The last few days have been rough ( Read more... )

I don't know what the hell happened with therapy ( Read more... )

I am so far past done with all of this bullshit. I'm not going to get better. I've been too fucked up for too long. I worked my ass off at trying, and it just blows up in my face ( Read more... )

1:00 a.m. fire alarm: "This is not a drill." 45 minutes standing outside in the pouring rain. Best guess on the cause: "A bug probably got in there." Fuckin' A, man ( Read more... )

I'm really nauseous right now, and I'm not sure why ( Read more... )

I sent an email to Mary Ellen, my trauma therapist back home. Speaks for itself.

( Letter )

...aaaaaannnnd, the potassium is dropping fast. A while of progressively worse restriction and one day of not eating, and suddenly the leg cramps again? And I'm lightheaded like whoa every time I stand up. This is ridiculous. Before I "recovered" (read: "gained weight") my body could and did take so much more, and suddenly it decides it doesn't ( Read more... )

I just found out an hour ago that I'm losing Janet, my nursing care coordinator, who I've been working with for 11 months. In the program I'm in, I have more frequent contact with her than with my therapist. She's the one who's really been working with me to find ways to push back the ED so my sanity can make a comeback. It feels like the people ( Read more... )

Dr. Charles's take on my using the concept of choice to beat myself up for not being entirely sick or entirely better: "You're trying to cross a river with a very strong current and very few tools. It isn't fair to take your first several attempts failing as proof that you must not have really wanted to get across ( Read more... )

I'm finding myself really confused by the concepts of choice and control in regards to my eating disorder. Did I choose it, or did it happen to me? I don't remember making a conscious decision to stop eating. I remember being in elementary school and not eating when my mother would go on one of her screaming rages. It would make her even ( Read more... )