I was just in the hospital ( Read more... )

So I have this coworker, and I really think everyone needs to hear about this girl, because my head is just going to implode if I don't share her with the world. So - things to know about my coworker ( Read more... )

Man... Tim Russert, Stan Winston, and now George fucking Carlin! Just what does life have against being awesome, all of a sudden?

Carlin has always been one of my personal models for what being funny should be like. It barely even occurred to me such a force was mortal.

Damn.

Prank caller: Hello, do you sell kitty condoms?

Me: What flavor?

Prank Caller: yellow

Me: Yellow is not a flavor.

Prank Caller (amazed): Wait, did you say flavors?  What flavors?

Me: Oh, you know, cat flavors - mouse, tuna, songbird.

Prank Caller: . . . are you pulling my leg?

Me: Yes.

*click*

So for the past week or so I have been deep in the bowels of the American justice system, serving as judge, jury, and executioner, or at least that middle one.

Now before I get into the case itself, here are three things of interest which happened in the courthouse

1. I hate, in all honesty, even to mention this, lest people begin to feel my ( Read more... )

So my grandma had a heart attack. No worries, she is fine! I visited her in the hospital, watched over her the day she got home. She's doing pretty good - she's a tough old bird. She had one heart attack prior to the big one, which she decided not to mention. She also refused an ambulance when she had the big one, saying it would be "a waste of ( Read more... )

I would just like to inform everyone that - out of sympathy for the plight of women everywhere - I have begun to bleed profusely from my genitals ( Read more... )

I have had almost nothing to do with livejournal for months, and I apologize to those of you out there waving your arms in the air while my back was turned. I saw none of it! I've been disappearing down the hole and into my various obsessions, and I come out to find my room is a mess and I have said nothing that will remain recorded ( Read more... )

See if you can make out the identity of this bizarrely popular political figure!


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If you are the sort of person who, upon seeing something that could be described as a "super worm" will respond by shrieking and throwing the container in the air; my advice to you would be to not open the container labeled "super worms" in the first place. I did not need a shower of super worms in my day ( Read more... )