No colors [3/?]
Title : No colors
Chapter : 3/?
Author :
Fandom : Super Junior
Pairing : KyuMin, SiChul, mentions of HeeMin
Genre : angst, romance
Rating : NC-17
Warnings : naughty words, possibly sex
Disclaimer : I don't own them.
Summary : He loved and then betrayed him for his own selfish desires.
A/N : I'm again late.. T^T
Previous chapters :{ 1 } // { 2 }
===
"Heechul hyung... is your TV broken?"
Two men sitting on a wine-scarlet couch in Heechul’s apartment was the scene; the dark haired, in his jeans and white shirt; the other man, wearing pajamas of satin pants and a black hoodie that almost swallowed his slight frame, blonde hair pulled back out of his face so that you could see the beauty of his features, although it was nearly lost to expressions of annoyance at the moment. His question went unanswered except for the continuous clicking of the remote which Heechul had commandeered, the monotonous background static of infomercials and excercise programs on the television.
"That's a strange question." Heechul said, tucking his legs up underneath him; his thumb's motions on the channel button continued without pause. Siwon gave a grand sigh, leaning into the plush cushions with a skeptical look on his face.
"It's a practical one, considering I got here about an hour ago and all you've been doing is watching the TV since then." Siwon replied pointedly, which was true, although Heechul made no comment to affirm that. He leaned over, peering purposely into Heechul's face with curious eyes. "You must have been very attached to your TV, it seems you've even been crying over it..."
"Siwon." Heechul set the remote to the side, and flung himself melodramatically into Siwon's lap with a prima-donna whine. "It went all wrong!"
"What did?" The brunette looked down, hands up in the air as if he was quite unsure of where to put them. Heechul's head was resting in his lap, his feminine arms wrapped loosely around Siwon's waist, legs curled up in a half-fetal position.
"Everything. Everything went wrong, Siwonnie." His grip tightened, face hidden under a thin veil of blonde. "It's all fucked up."
"Come on, what happened?" Siwon asked quietly, his hands finding their place in Heechul's silken hair. "It's not like you to be all cryptic all of a sudden..."
"I just..." Heechul sighed, placing one hand over his mouth as he thought for the right explination. "You've been in love before, right? You know what that's like?"
Siwon let out a breath, patting the blonde's hair sympathetically, clearly aware as to what was coming next. "Oh, Chullie..."
"I mean, I... I thought it was really something." Heechul continued, burying his face in Siwon's sweater. "I thought I was really... but I was just being used. That's fucked up, isn't it? I was just a substitute for someone else." He exhaled slowly and closed his eyes; Siwon's lap sure was comfortable. He breathed in, and could smell the brand of soap Siwon used, a much less feminine scent than his own preferred brand. "I thought I was actually, really in love. But now I can't even remember if that was real..."
"I'm sorry." Siwon said, for lack of anything better to say.
"Everything was fake." Heechul could feel the stinging in his eyes, the telltale drops of moisture threatening to push out under his eyelids and ruin his strength. He pressed himself closer to Siwon. "The whole time, everything was fake... I feel like I don't even know myself because I... I should know what I feel. And I don't..."
"I don't really know what to say..." Siwon started, thinking about it. What did people usually say to him when he went through this sort of thing? "Everyone has bad break-ups and... it's natural to feel confused or whatever..."
"Confused?" Heechul laughed, the hollow sound lacking any amusement. "Really? You ever had sex with someone, and the whole time they've been thinking about someone else? No? Have you been told to your face that you were just a fling?" His voice turned bitter and dead, muffled through the fabric pressed to his face. "I'm not sure you have the right to talk, then, Siwon."
"Well, why did you come to me, then? Leeteuk or someone else would be much better at this sort of thing..." Siwon complained.
"You were the only one I could come to."
"Why?"
There was a silence. "Teuki wasn't home." And Sungmin and Kyuhyun were out of the question, of course. And he didn’t want to open up to the other members. Siwon was really the last resort.
"You're such a difficult man." Siwon sighed down at the head resting on his lap, but then he gave a halfhearted smile. "But I think anyone would be lucky to have you, so your ex must be pretty damn dumb for giving you up."
Heechul paused, and his grip around Siwon's waist loosened slightly. "Are you just saying that because you want me to get out of your crotch?"
Siwon laughed, patting Heechul's head fondly. "Partly, but partly because it's true. Now do you want some tea or something? Or we could take-out..."
"No, I don't want anything." There was a smile in Heechul's tone, but he didn't lift his head, curling his body tighter and snuggling into Siwon's stomach as though he were seeking warmth. Siwon looked down at him for a moment, contemplating his next course of action. An emotional Heechul could be difficult to handle, if not taken care of properly. He let his arms drape comfortingly over Heechul's arched back, one hand resuming its course in his blonde hair.
"Are you crying, Chullie?"
"Of course I'm not." Heechul replied offendedly, and sniffed. "Men don't cry."
"Of course." Siwon just sighed. He rubbed the other man's back. He didn’t have much practice at comforting broken people, but having a friend like Heechul, he supposed he should probably learn.
"I don't suppose you'd mind too much letting me stay here for a while?" Heechul asked in a weak tone, like he would completely shatter if Siwon denied him now. And Siwon never would have, anyway.
"Sure you can, stay as long as you want." The body in his lap relaxed a little, and Siwon smiled to himself. "When you're done not crying, we can order in and watch movies all day, if you like."
Heechul turned slightly, bringing one willowy hand up to wipe his cheeks. "And... maybe a little drinkie as well, please, Siwon?" He rolled over, grinning boyishly, the smirk of a spoiled child pasted across his face, someone who always got their way. Especially with Siwon around; he was never denied anything. "I think I deserve it."
"You don't deserve it, but I suppose you could probably use it." Siwon sighed fondly, patting the golden hair beneath him. He wiggled his legs, needle pricks spreading through his flesh as blood began circulating again. "Get on up, my legs are falling asleep, Chullie."
"Just another minute." Heechul replied in a whisper-soft voice, face buried in the folds of Siwon's hoodie. His fingers' grip tightened on Siwon's back, a signal of his need, a plea for comfort from a child to a mother. Heechul wasn't naive, but he was, in so many ways, and Siwon wanted to wrap him up in his arms and never let go if that would make the blonde feel better. He wasn't sure what the feeling was that was making him feel that way, it was new and unique, almost frightening in its obscurity. But it was something he didn't feel he could give up for the world. "Just one more minute, okay?"
Siwon smiled, and he leaned over to gather Heechul up in his embrace. Well, he could give him that. That was just fine.
Everything was dark and quiet, colours melted together in front of Kyuhyun's eyes as he awoke, the spidery feeling of fingers dancing across his torso gently, over his spine, across protruding ribs, nudging him into careful awareness. The cold pads of skin pressing into his back were a sharp and unpleasant contrast to the feverish warmth surrounding him, icy reality penetrating his security barrier. With painfully slow movements, he turned, closing his eyes against the whirling ceiling. The fingers stopped their designs on his back and withdrew lazily, almost as if hesitant, almost as if afraid.
Those fingers. They weren't Heechul's, there was only one person they could belong to. Kyuhyun's eyes wouldn't focus; there was only one shape, the shape of everything, the shape of the world seen through a milky glass window.
"Kyuhyun... you're very sick." A voice, the voice of wine. Even if his eyes were working against him, Kyuhyun still knew that voice, those fingers, the fingers he'd imagined on his skin so many times, the voice he'd heard calling out his name in his dreams.
"I know." He answered, groaning, his own voice sounding like he'd swallowed gravel. He made another attempt at unsticking his eyelids with just a fraction more success this time, and Sungmin's concerned face invaded his field of vision, mocking him in its worry. Why was Sungmin even there? Why not Heechul, why not anyone besides Sungmin?
"I mean it." Sungmin said, sitting on the edge of Kyuhyun's bed, small hand stroking the soft sheets. "You've lost weight... you're thin. Like you haven't been eating at all." He paused, smoothing out minute wrinkles in the bedspread. " You're not the same person you used to be."
"I don't need to hear it." Kyuhyun said, letting his aching head sink down into the welcoming plush of the pillows. "Especially not from you." He added vindictively, watching Sungmin's face fall.
"Everyone's noticed." Sungmin continued. "We're all worried... You're always quiet, you're practically lifeless..." He paused, and Kyuhyun could feel the intensity of his eyes burning into him, nearly scorching his skin. "You always drink..." Another pause, a long and uncomfortable silence. "You look like shit. I don't know if you've noticed that, but no matter how much of your face you cover up, it still shows."
Kyuhyun couldn't find an answer. It was true, it was probably all true, but it was reality, something he couldn't deal with. Better to stay wrapped in his linen paradise, away from Sungmin, away from real life, dreams his only window to the outside world. "Kyuhyun, why are you doing this?" Sungmin asked, his voice weak with concern. "It hurts the people you care about...." He trailed off uncertainly, studying his hands nervously. Then, with sudden, sharp movements, he reached out, retrieving something from the bedside table, his face distressed, eyes turmoiled. He pushed a small bottle and a glass of water into Kyuhyun's hands, face so close that Kyuhyun had no choice but to look up at him, to see the anguished look in Sungmin's dark eyes. "Take these." He commanded.
Kyuhyun pried the top off the bottle and poured out a small handful of pills. He threw them back and chugged the water, shivering violently as the icy cold ran through his system, as if it was seeping into his muscles and veins and numbing him. He thrust the bottle and the glass back into Sungmin's hands and stared at him defiantly, refusing to be taken in by Sungmin's obvious worry about his state. Sungmin just watched him sadly.
"Heechul thinks you hate him." Sungmin stated matter-of-factly, as if it was just a statement, as if it meant nothing. "It's not his fault, so... please don't hate him."
"I don't." Kyuhyun answered, although it was half a lie, half wishful thinking. When he smiles at me and I think about how many times those lips have kissed you, tasted your skin, whispered things to you in the middle of the night... I want to hate him. "I don't hate him."
"We broke up." Sungmin said quietly, running his tongue over dry, pink lips. "Something happened last night, so... we broke up."
"So, what... you've come crawling back to me because of that?" Kyuhyun spat, the words harsher than he intended them to be, but no regret. "Sungmin, what are you thinking?"
"I just... I still love you." His voice no higher than a whisper, a breath of red wine. "I still love you and I'm not going to be stupid anymore. I want you to give me a chance. I'm ready to be with you."
"Sungmin..." Kyuhyun couldn't help but sigh, and he rubbed his dully aching forehead. What was Sungmin thinking? He just assumed that everyone else was going to bend to his will, that the world obeyed his whims. He sighed again. Where were the words for this? "Sungmin... I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know." Kyuhyun replied truthfully. There was that want, that piece of him that had been waiting for this chance, that had been longing to hear those words from Sungmin for years, but there was also the part of him that couldn't stand Sungmin's way of thinking, the part that called for revenge. It was logical, it was practical. "Sungmin..." He started again, and looked up, meeting Sungmin's terrified gaze, recognizing the fear that was held there. It was his own kind of fear, the same he'd felt when this was first brought up, when he was rejected, heart broken. It was a mirror image of his own soul. "When you... chose Heechul over me, simply because you didn't want to be tied into a serious relationship... when you made that decision..." He swallowed, throat sore and gravelly. "What made you think that... I would still be waiting for you when you finally realized you wanted me?"
"What do you mean?" Sungmin asked in response, and Kyuhyun thought he could almost hear his heartbeat speeding up, his pulse racing.
"Were you really... so arrogant that you just assumed I'd hold out for you?" He closed his eyes and tried to think through the torturous, throbbing pain on the inside of his skull, pain that was no longer physical and the medicine did nothing to help. Sungmin was the pain; life was the pain. "You just... you can't expect everything to go your way all the time, you know?"
"I don't understand." Sungmin's look said he didn't understand, those eyes darkening in confusion at this new twist in a conversation he'd probably planned out in his head ahead of time. Kyuhyun just sighed, because truthfully, he didn't understand it either.
"It's complicated... it could have been simple, but you made it complicated, Sungmin." Eyelids cracked open a fraction and dull grey light seeped through his retinas, like mercury, burning holes in his vision. A poisonous burn. That's all love was, it was a poison that burned you dry. Kyuhyun made a frustrated noise, not knowing where to begin, or how to end, or if there even were ends and beginnings. Perhaps such things did not exist in this world where love flayed your skin like hydrochloric acid. Where did this start, and when would it end?
Kyuhyun shook his head minutely. After all, if this sort of thing could be explained, it wouldn't be so difficult, so compelling. Who would want to love if love was simple? But that wasn't the point. The point was he couldn't stand the completely devastated expression on Sungmin's pale face, and he felt utterly nauseous knowing he had caused it, and yet... satisfied. It was almost a high, in a way, the suffering he was causing Sungmin just by denying him the one thing he had been denied... what a terrible person he must be. Deriving this sick pleasure from the pain of someone he cared about. Monster.
"I'm really sorry." Sungmin whispered in a broken voice, each syllable cracked like an eggshell down the middle. So very delicate. So agonizingly sincere that it made Kyuhyun's insides burn with guilt and he hated himself for wanting to take Sungmin into his arms and tell him everything was alright, because it wasn't. Possibly wouldn't ever be. Real life wasn't a fairy tale, no matter how Kyuhyun wished it could be. There were monsters here.
"I know, Sungmin... I'm..." He paused, searching for words. "I understand. I understand that you're sorry..."
Kyuhyun closed his eyes, gritting teeth together until every muscle in his body, every atom of his being throbbed relentlessly, as if his flesh was punishing him too, as if he wasn't getting enough punishment already. Why was he the one suffering so much? He'd done nothing wrong, he was the victim, wasn't he? Victim of his own stupidity. Allowing Sungmin to be so selfish, letting him think he could get away with it, that was his mistake. Waiting. Hoping, hoping maybe Sungmin would start making sense. These were his sins and his flesh was burning for it.
"I just need to think about this." He said, although could he really? There was nothing to think about. Just an excuse. But Sungmin's face fell. "Just give me some time," He continued, the words tumbling out of his lips raspily, tearing holes in his throat with their false mockery. "And let me think. I just need some space, that's all."
Sungmin nodded sadly, staring down at the covers twisted between his fidgeting fingers. "I just didn't want to hurt you." He said, as if that would explain everything, make it all better. Words just a tiny band-aid over a gaping hole of a wound. "I knew I would, and that's why I chose him instead of you. I just didn't want to hurt you then."
"What made you think that telling me you loved me and then picking someone else wouldn't hurt me, Sungmin?" Kyuhyun snapped, a lash of anger consuming him. He'd had enough of Sungmin's excuses. The other blanched at his vindictive words, making a pained face. If only he knew pain.
"I didn't want to hurt either of you." He muttered meekly. "It was hard, Kyu. He's my friend too and I didn't want to hurt you..."
"Well you've done a great job." Kyuhyun spat sarcastically, rage and loathing thick in his voice. He watched as sparkles welled up in Sungmin's downturned eyes, his jaw firmly set and trembling like a leaf, trying his hardest not to spill. It wasn't even relevant anymore; did it matter if Sungmin cried now, if Kyuhyun apologized? Would it even make a pixel of difference?
"I'll just leave you for a bit, then." Sungmin choked, rising from the bed with wrung hands, his face conveniently turned away from Kyuhyun's view. "I'll give you some space. Besides, I'm not sure how pleased Heechul would be if I was still here when he returned..."
"Good-bye, Sungmin." Kyuhyun bid him farewell, tone flat and compassionless for Sungmin's plight. If he'd brought it on himself, he didn't deserve Kyuhyun's pity, and Kyuhyun wouldn't spare him any. Darwin's rule; take care of your own. Kyuhyun would be strong, and if Sungmin wanted to be weak, he would feast on him. That's how life was.
Sungmin nodded lifelessly, head bobbing up and down, darkly-dyed hair fluttering in the air. Kyuhyun couldn't see his face but he could picture it, pale white skin with blossoming red on his cheekbones, little diamonds of tears glittering their way down his face. It was a beautiful thing, a piece of art, and Kyuhyun had created it. But Sungmin would take it with him. The ugliest beautiful thing that ever existed.
Kyuhyun clenched his eyes shut, rolling over into the bed and yanking the covers over his head. The thick, warm air was stifling but he pressed the pillow to his face. Moments later he heard the bedroom door shut softly, and fading footsteps as Sungmin left, one final click to signal the front door closing and shutting Sungmin off entirely. Kyuhyun began to cry.
When he awoke again the room was deathly dark and the pain was gone, leaving behind a trembling emptiness, like the hollow feeling after a near-death experience, a vague void inside him. His face was cold and rubbery like an ice bag, hands clammy, skin all over unhealthily pallid with a texture like frozen plastic wrap. But he felt better, physically, just a little better. He took a painfully hot shower and decided he was okay.
It was night, and Heechul was back. Kyuhyun wandered down the hall and into the parlour area, past the couch where his flatmate was sitting facing away from him, into the kitchen, reached for a drink in the fridge. He didn't know if Heechul would talk to him or ignore him. Kyuhyun leaned against the counter, sipping his soda.
Heechul let out a sigh, head rolling over the back of the couch, tilted towards Kyuhyun, a lazy gesture of his forgiveness. "That you, Kyu? Feeling better?"
He studied the top of his soda can. "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you... alright?"
"Well, I've been better. Been worse. I'm not the sick one, am I?"
Kyuhyun held his answer. He chugged the drink, citrus flavor bubbling all the way down his abused throat and empty stomach. He padded slowly towards Heechul on the couch. "You went out today?"
"Yeah..." The blonde sucked on his lower lip, feet tucked up under each other on the deep-set couch. "I hung out with Siwon for a while, that's all. I didn't want you to infect me..."
Kyuhyun sat on a chair, managing to pull a wry smile out of him somewhere, and he let it sit on his face like a stigma, something that meant something. It didn't even matter what it meant. Nothing meant anything anymore.
"Listen... you know about... me and Sungmin, right?" Heechul asked quietly, his gaze turned to the floor. Kyuhyun let his head drop.
"That you... were dating?" He answered hesitantly. Yeah, of course he knew. Hell, he was the one who had made Sungmin do it in the first place, wasn't he? But Heechul didn't know how much he knew.
"Something like that..." Just fuckbuddies, his voice said. Words as transparent as wax paper, so flimsy. "Well we broke up. Turns out he, um... he loved someone else."
Kyuhyun didn't miss the scathingly dejected glance Heechul gave him, Heechul must have known who it was that Sungmin truly wanted to be with, but he would never say that to Kyuhyun. Heechul was kind, and as far as he knew, Kyuhyun was completely oblivious to the situation erupting around him. Heechul didn't know about Sungmin's and his agreement, about his true feelings that lay deep inside the thick onion skins of his well-crafted facade. Kyuhyun felt his stomach churn.
"Sorry." He muttered, as though it would be some kind of consolation. When really, nothing he said would probably please Heechul; after all, he was the one who had stolen Sungmin's heart away, unknowingly or not.
"Well, shit happens." Heechul just shrugged.
"Heechul..." He mused, stretching languidly over the chair and wrapping his neck in icily cold hands, the pads of his fingers pressing into his spinal cord. "What do you think we could have been?"
Heechul looked up, small creases appearing on his face in a frown. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if we hadn't been... this." He gestured between the two of them, biting his lip to try and find the right words for the abstract idea he was trying to express. Heechul looked confused. It was useless. His brain was full of gaping holes, a meshed net of ideas without anything solid to support them. "Never mind. It was a wierd thought."
"You... are crazy." Heechul shook his head and blonde fringe danced around his eyes, but he allowed himself a smile. "But I love you that way."
Kyuhyun tilted his head up, watching the stark white cieling, picturing the flawless black sky far above, speckled with a confetti of stars and the moon like a coin set in velvet. His lips curled into a shy excuse for a smile. "I know, hyung. I know."
To be continued...
---------------------------
So here it is 3rd chapter. I really hope you will forgive me for being late in updating, I really didn't find the right time since I'm busy because of school. I know many of you find it weird the way I pictured Sungmin in this fic, but please don't hate him. ^^ I guess maybe you start to like him more since this chapter....? ^^
I'm really sorry for being very late with replying your comments. I will reply all of them soon, I promise you. Please don't stop commenting me because I really enjoy reading your comments and it makes me want to write more. ^^
Another thing,
blacknox17 madamfishie icejuice coffeback totayelnsuerngd blue_gamer kyushiana pinku_haato teexsaurus amp morpher14
Thank you all for giving me all those songs suggestions. I can't thank you enough my dears for taking from your time and giving me those songs. I really checked all of them and I was more into the songs than writing the fic. I blame you all for liking such great music! ^^ Thank you ♥ You more than helped me. I'm sorry I don't have time to thank you all one by one, so I'm just writing this here. Thank you again my dears ♥
Love you all my readers! ♥
Please don't be silent and comment ^^
I don't bite.
COMMENTS ARE LOVE <3
follow me on twitter :) @kangins_
Chapter : 3/?
Author :
Fandom : Super Junior
Pairing : KyuMin, SiChul, mentions of HeeMin
Genre : angst, romance
Rating : NC-17
Warnings : naughty words, possibly sex
Disclaimer : I don't own them.
Summary : He loved and then betrayed him for his own selfish desires.
A/N : I'm again late.. T^T
Previous chapters :{ 1 } // { 2 }
===
"Heechul hyung... is your TV broken?"
Two men sitting on a wine-scarlet couch in Heechul’s apartment was the scene; the dark haired, in his jeans and white shirt; the other man, wearing pajamas of satin pants and a black hoodie that almost swallowed his slight frame, blonde hair pulled back out of his face so that you could see the beauty of his features, although it was nearly lost to expressions of annoyance at the moment. His question went unanswered except for the continuous clicking of the remote which Heechul had commandeered, the monotonous background static of infomercials and excercise programs on the television.
"That's a strange question." Heechul said, tucking his legs up underneath him; his thumb's motions on the channel button continued without pause. Siwon gave a grand sigh, leaning into the plush cushions with a skeptical look on his face.
"It's a practical one, considering I got here about an hour ago and all you've been doing is watching the TV since then." Siwon replied pointedly, which was true, although Heechul made no comment to affirm that. He leaned over, peering purposely into Heechul's face with curious eyes. "You must have been very attached to your TV, it seems you've even been crying over it..."
"Siwon." Heechul set the remote to the side, and flung himself melodramatically into Siwon's lap with a prima-donna whine. "It went all wrong!"
"What did?" The brunette looked down, hands up in the air as if he was quite unsure of where to put them. Heechul's head was resting in his lap, his feminine arms wrapped loosely around Siwon's waist, legs curled up in a half-fetal position.
"Everything. Everything went wrong, Siwonnie." His grip tightened, face hidden under a thin veil of blonde. "It's all fucked up."
"Come on, what happened?" Siwon asked quietly, his hands finding their place in Heechul's silken hair. "It's not like you to be all cryptic all of a sudden..."
"I just..." Heechul sighed, placing one hand over his mouth as he thought for the right explination. "You've been in love before, right? You know what that's like?"
Siwon let out a breath, patting the blonde's hair sympathetically, clearly aware as to what was coming next. "Oh, Chullie..."
"I mean, I... I thought it was really something." Heechul continued, burying his face in Siwon's sweater. "I thought I was really... but I was just being used. That's fucked up, isn't it? I was just a substitute for someone else." He exhaled slowly and closed his eyes; Siwon's lap sure was comfortable. He breathed in, and could smell the brand of soap Siwon used, a much less feminine scent than his own preferred brand. "I thought I was actually, really in love. But now I can't even remember if that was real..."
"I'm sorry." Siwon said, for lack of anything better to say.
"Everything was fake." Heechul could feel the stinging in his eyes, the telltale drops of moisture threatening to push out under his eyelids and ruin his strength. He pressed himself closer to Siwon. "The whole time, everything was fake... I feel like I don't even know myself because I... I should know what I feel. And I don't..."
"I don't really know what to say..." Siwon started, thinking about it. What did people usually say to him when he went through this sort of thing? "Everyone has bad break-ups and... it's natural to feel confused or whatever..."
"Confused?" Heechul laughed, the hollow sound lacking any amusement. "Really? You ever had sex with someone, and the whole time they've been thinking about someone else? No? Have you been told to your face that you were just a fling?" His voice turned bitter and dead, muffled through the fabric pressed to his face. "I'm not sure you have the right to talk, then, Siwon."
"Well, why did you come to me, then? Leeteuk or someone else would be much better at this sort of thing..." Siwon complained.
"You were the only one I could come to."
"Why?"
There was a silence. "Teuki wasn't home." And Sungmin and Kyuhyun were out of the question, of course. And he didn’t want to open up to the other members. Siwon was really the last resort.
"You're such a difficult man." Siwon sighed down at the head resting on his lap, but then he gave a halfhearted smile. "But I think anyone would be lucky to have you, so your ex must be pretty damn dumb for giving you up."
Heechul paused, and his grip around Siwon's waist loosened slightly. "Are you just saying that because you want me to get out of your crotch?"
Siwon laughed, patting Heechul's head fondly. "Partly, but partly because it's true. Now do you want some tea or something? Or we could take-out..."
"No, I don't want anything." There was a smile in Heechul's tone, but he didn't lift his head, curling his body tighter and snuggling into Siwon's stomach as though he were seeking warmth. Siwon looked down at him for a moment, contemplating his next course of action. An emotional Heechul could be difficult to handle, if not taken care of properly. He let his arms drape comfortingly over Heechul's arched back, one hand resuming its course in his blonde hair.
"Are you crying, Chullie?"
"Of course I'm not." Heechul replied offendedly, and sniffed. "Men don't cry."
"Of course." Siwon just sighed. He rubbed the other man's back. He didn’t have much practice at comforting broken people, but having a friend like Heechul, he supposed he should probably learn.
"I don't suppose you'd mind too much letting me stay here for a while?" Heechul asked in a weak tone, like he would completely shatter if Siwon denied him now. And Siwon never would have, anyway.
"Sure you can, stay as long as you want." The body in his lap relaxed a little, and Siwon smiled to himself. "When you're done not crying, we can order in and watch movies all day, if you like."
Heechul turned slightly, bringing one willowy hand up to wipe his cheeks. "And... maybe a little drinkie as well, please, Siwon?" He rolled over, grinning boyishly, the smirk of a spoiled child pasted across his face, someone who always got their way. Especially with Siwon around; he was never denied anything. "I think I deserve it."
"You don't deserve it, but I suppose you could probably use it." Siwon sighed fondly, patting the golden hair beneath him. He wiggled his legs, needle pricks spreading through his flesh as blood began circulating again. "Get on up, my legs are falling asleep, Chullie."
"Just another minute." Heechul replied in a whisper-soft voice, face buried in the folds of Siwon's hoodie. His fingers' grip tightened on Siwon's back, a signal of his need, a plea for comfort from a child to a mother. Heechul wasn't naive, but he was, in so many ways, and Siwon wanted to wrap him up in his arms and never let go if that would make the blonde feel better. He wasn't sure what the feeling was that was making him feel that way, it was new and unique, almost frightening in its obscurity. But it was something he didn't feel he could give up for the world. "Just one more minute, okay?"
Siwon smiled, and he leaned over to gather Heechul up in his embrace. Well, he could give him that. That was just fine.
Everything was dark and quiet, colours melted together in front of Kyuhyun's eyes as he awoke, the spidery feeling of fingers dancing across his torso gently, over his spine, across protruding ribs, nudging him into careful awareness. The cold pads of skin pressing into his back were a sharp and unpleasant contrast to the feverish warmth surrounding him, icy reality penetrating his security barrier. With painfully slow movements, he turned, closing his eyes against the whirling ceiling. The fingers stopped their designs on his back and withdrew lazily, almost as if hesitant, almost as if afraid.
Those fingers. They weren't Heechul's, there was only one person they could belong to. Kyuhyun's eyes wouldn't focus; there was only one shape, the shape of everything, the shape of the world seen through a milky glass window.
"Kyuhyun... you're very sick." A voice, the voice of wine. Even if his eyes were working against him, Kyuhyun still knew that voice, those fingers, the fingers he'd imagined on his skin so many times, the voice he'd heard calling out his name in his dreams.
"I know." He answered, groaning, his own voice sounding like he'd swallowed gravel. He made another attempt at unsticking his eyelids with just a fraction more success this time, and Sungmin's concerned face invaded his field of vision, mocking him in its worry. Why was Sungmin even there? Why not Heechul, why not anyone besides Sungmin?
"I mean it." Sungmin said, sitting on the edge of Kyuhyun's bed, small hand stroking the soft sheets. "You've lost weight... you're thin. Like you haven't been eating at all." He paused, smoothing out minute wrinkles in the bedspread. " You're not the same person you used to be."
"I don't need to hear it." Kyuhyun said, letting his aching head sink down into the welcoming plush of the pillows. "Especially not from you." He added vindictively, watching Sungmin's face fall.
"Everyone's noticed." Sungmin continued. "We're all worried... You're always quiet, you're practically lifeless..." He paused, and Kyuhyun could feel the intensity of his eyes burning into him, nearly scorching his skin. "You always drink..." Another pause, a long and uncomfortable silence. "You look like shit. I don't know if you've noticed that, but no matter how much of your face you cover up, it still shows."
Kyuhyun couldn't find an answer. It was true, it was probably all true, but it was reality, something he couldn't deal with. Better to stay wrapped in his linen paradise, away from Sungmin, away from real life, dreams his only window to the outside world. "Kyuhyun, why are you doing this?" Sungmin asked, his voice weak with concern. "It hurts the people you care about...." He trailed off uncertainly, studying his hands nervously. Then, with sudden, sharp movements, he reached out, retrieving something from the bedside table, his face distressed, eyes turmoiled. He pushed a small bottle and a glass of water into Kyuhyun's hands, face so close that Kyuhyun had no choice but to look up at him, to see the anguished look in Sungmin's dark eyes. "Take these." He commanded.
Kyuhyun pried the top off the bottle and poured out a small handful of pills. He threw them back and chugged the water, shivering violently as the icy cold ran through his system, as if it was seeping into his muscles and veins and numbing him. He thrust the bottle and the glass back into Sungmin's hands and stared at him defiantly, refusing to be taken in by Sungmin's obvious worry about his state. Sungmin just watched him sadly.
"Heechul thinks you hate him." Sungmin stated matter-of-factly, as if it was just a statement, as if it meant nothing. "It's not his fault, so... please don't hate him."
"I don't." Kyuhyun answered, although it was half a lie, half wishful thinking. When he smiles at me and I think about how many times those lips have kissed you, tasted your skin, whispered things to you in the middle of the night... I want to hate him. "I don't hate him."
"We broke up." Sungmin said quietly, running his tongue over dry, pink lips. "Something happened last night, so... we broke up."
"So, what... you've come crawling back to me because of that?" Kyuhyun spat, the words harsher than he intended them to be, but no regret. "Sungmin, what are you thinking?"
"I just... I still love you." His voice no higher than a whisper, a breath of red wine. "I still love you and I'm not going to be stupid anymore. I want you to give me a chance. I'm ready to be with you."
"Sungmin..." Kyuhyun couldn't help but sigh, and he rubbed his dully aching forehead. What was Sungmin thinking? He just assumed that everyone else was going to bend to his will, that the world obeyed his whims. He sighed again. Where were the words for this? "Sungmin... I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know." Kyuhyun replied truthfully. There was that want, that piece of him that had been waiting for this chance, that had been longing to hear those words from Sungmin for years, but there was also the part of him that couldn't stand Sungmin's way of thinking, the part that called for revenge. It was logical, it was practical. "Sungmin..." He started again, and looked up, meeting Sungmin's terrified gaze, recognizing the fear that was held there. It was his own kind of fear, the same he'd felt when this was first brought up, when he was rejected, heart broken. It was a mirror image of his own soul. "When you... chose Heechul over me, simply because you didn't want to be tied into a serious relationship... when you made that decision..." He swallowed, throat sore and gravelly. "What made you think that... I would still be waiting for you when you finally realized you wanted me?"
"What do you mean?" Sungmin asked in response, and Kyuhyun thought he could almost hear his heartbeat speeding up, his pulse racing.
"Were you really... so arrogant that you just assumed I'd hold out for you?" He closed his eyes and tried to think through the torturous, throbbing pain on the inside of his skull, pain that was no longer physical and the medicine did nothing to help. Sungmin was the pain; life was the pain. "You just... you can't expect everything to go your way all the time, you know?"
"I don't understand." Sungmin's look said he didn't understand, those eyes darkening in confusion at this new twist in a conversation he'd probably planned out in his head ahead of time. Kyuhyun just sighed, because truthfully, he didn't understand it either.
"It's complicated... it could have been simple, but you made it complicated, Sungmin." Eyelids cracked open a fraction and dull grey light seeped through his retinas, like mercury, burning holes in his vision. A poisonous burn. That's all love was, it was a poison that burned you dry. Kyuhyun made a frustrated noise, not knowing where to begin, or how to end, or if there even were ends and beginnings. Perhaps such things did not exist in this world where love flayed your skin like hydrochloric acid. Where did this start, and when would it end?
Kyuhyun shook his head minutely. After all, if this sort of thing could be explained, it wouldn't be so difficult, so compelling. Who would want to love if love was simple? But that wasn't the point. The point was he couldn't stand the completely devastated expression on Sungmin's pale face, and he felt utterly nauseous knowing he had caused it, and yet... satisfied. It was almost a high, in a way, the suffering he was causing Sungmin just by denying him the one thing he had been denied... what a terrible person he must be. Deriving this sick pleasure from the pain of someone he cared about. Monster.
"I'm really sorry." Sungmin whispered in a broken voice, each syllable cracked like an eggshell down the middle. So very delicate. So agonizingly sincere that it made Kyuhyun's insides burn with guilt and he hated himself for wanting to take Sungmin into his arms and tell him everything was alright, because it wasn't. Possibly wouldn't ever be. Real life wasn't a fairy tale, no matter how Kyuhyun wished it could be. There were monsters here.
"I know, Sungmin... I'm..." He paused, searching for words. "I understand. I understand that you're sorry..."
Kyuhyun closed his eyes, gritting teeth together until every muscle in his body, every atom of his being throbbed relentlessly, as if his flesh was punishing him too, as if he wasn't getting enough punishment already. Why was he the one suffering so much? He'd done nothing wrong, he was the victim, wasn't he? Victim of his own stupidity. Allowing Sungmin to be so selfish, letting him think he could get away with it, that was his mistake. Waiting. Hoping, hoping maybe Sungmin would start making sense. These were his sins and his flesh was burning for it.
"I just need to think about this." He said, although could he really? There was nothing to think about. Just an excuse. But Sungmin's face fell. "Just give me some time," He continued, the words tumbling out of his lips raspily, tearing holes in his throat with their false mockery. "And let me think. I just need some space, that's all."
Sungmin nodded sadly, staring down at the covers twisted between his fidgeting fingers. "I just didn't want to hurt you." He said, as if that would explain everything, make it all better. Words just a tiny band-aid over a gaping hole of a wound. "I knew I would, and that's why I chose him instead of you. I just didn't want to hurt you then."
"What made you think that telling me you loved me and then picking someone else wouldn't hurt me, Sungmin?" Kyuhyun snapped, a lash of anger consuming him. He'd had enough of Sungmin's excuses. The other blanched at his vindictive words, making a pained face. If only he knew pain.
"I didn't want to hurt either of you." He muttered meekly. "It was hard, Kyu. He's my friend too and I didn't want to hurt you..."
"Well you've done a great job." Kyuhyun spat sarcastically, rage and loathing thick in his voice. He watched as sparkles welled up in Sungmin's downturned eyes, his jaw firmly set and trembling like a leaf, trying his hardest not to spill. It wasn't even relevant anymore; did it matter if Sungmin cried now, if Kyuhyun apologized? Would it even make a pixel of difference?
"I'll just leave you for a bit, then." Sungmin choked, rising from the bed with wrung hands, his face conveniently turned away from Kyuhyun's view. "I'll give you some space. Besides, I'm not sure how pleased Heechul would be if I was still here when he returned..."
"Good-bye, Sungmin." Kyuhyun bid him farewell, tone flat and compassionless for Sungmin's plight. If he'd brought it on himself, he didn't deserve Kyuhyun's pity, and Kyuhyun wouldn't spare him any. Darwin's rule; take care of your own. Kyuhyun would be strong, and if Sungmin wanted to be weak, he would feast on him. That's how life was.
Sungmin nodded lifelessly, head bobbing up and down, darkly-dyed hair fluttering in the air. Kyuhyun couldn't see his face but he could picture it, pale white skin with blossoming red on his cheekbones, little diamonds of tears glittering their way down his face. It was a beautiful thing, a piece of art, and Kyuhyun had created it. But Sungmin would take it with him. The ugliest beautiful thing that ever existed.
Kyuhyun clenched his eyes shut, rolling over into the bed and yanking the covers over his head. The thick, warm air was stifling but he pressed the pillow to his face. Moments later he heard the bedroom door shut softly, and fading footsteps as Sungmin left, one final click to signal the front door closing and shutting Sungmin off entirely. Kyuhyun began to cry.
When he awoke again the room was deathly dark and the pain was gone, leaving behind a trembling emptiness, like the hollow feeling after a near-death experience, a vague void inside him. His face was cold and rubbery like an ice bag, hands clammy, skin all over unhealthily pallid with a texture like frozen plastic wrap. But he felt better, physically, just a little better. He took a painfully hot shower and decided he was okay.
It was night, and Heechul was back. Kyuhyun wandered down the hall and into the parlour area, past the couch where his flatmate was sitting facing away from him, into the kitchen, reached for a drink in the fridge. He didn't know if Heechul would talk to him or ignore him. Kyuhyun leaned against the counter, sipping his soda.
Heechul let out a sigh, head rolling over the back of the couch, tilted towards Kyuhyun, a lazy gesture of his forgiveness. "That you, Kyu? Feeling better?"
He studied the top of his soda can. "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you... alright?"
"Well, I've been better. Been worse. I'm not the sick one, am I?"
Kyuhyun held his answer. He chugged the drink, citrus flavor bubbling all the way down his abused throat and empty stomach. He padded slowly towards Heechul on the couch. "You went out today?"
"Yeah..." The blonde sucked on his lower lip, feet tucked up under each other on the deep-set couch. "I hung out with Siwon for a while, that's all. I didn't want you to infect me..."
Kyuhyun sat on a chair, managing to pull a wry smile out of him somewhere, and he let it sit on his face like a stigma, something that meant something. It didn't even matter what it meant. Nothing meant anything anymore.
"Listen... you know about... me and Sungmin, right?" Heechul asked quietly, his gaze turned to the floor. Kyuhyun let his head drop.
"That you... were dating?" He answered hesitantly. Yeah, of course he knew. Hell, he was the one who had made Sungmin do it in the first place, wasn't he? But Heechul didn't know how much he knew.
"Something like that..." Just fuckbuddies, his voice said. Words as transparent as wax paper, so flimsy. "Well we broke up. Turns out he, um... he loved someone else."
Kyuhyun didn't miss the scathingly dejected glance Heechul gave him, Heechul must have known who it was that Sungmin truly wanted to be with, but he would never say that to Kyuhyun. Heechul was kind, and as far as he knew, Kyuhyun was completely oblivious to the situation erupting around him. Heechul didn't know about Sungmin's and his agreement, about his true feelings that lay deep inside the thick onion skins of his well-crafted facade. Kyuhyun felt his stomach churn.
"Sorry." He muttered, as though it would be some kind of consolation. When really, nothing he said would probably please Heechul; after all, he was the one who had stolen Sungmin's heart away, unknowingly or not.
"Well, shit happens." Heechul just shrugged.
"Heechul..." He mused, stretching languidly over the chair and wrapping his neck in icily cold hands, the pads of his fingers pressing into his spinal cord. "What do you think we could have been?"
Heechul looked up, small creases appearing on his face in a frown. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, if we hadn't been... this." He gestured between the two of them, biting his lip to try and find the right words for the abstract idea he was trying to express. Heechul looked confused. It was useless. His brain was full of gaping holes, a meshed net of ideas without anything solid to support them. "Never mind. It was a wierd thought."
"You... are crazy." Heechul shook his head and blonde fringe danced around his eyes, but he allowed himself a smile. "But I love you that way."
Kyuhyun tilted his head up, watching the stark white cieling, picturing the flawless black sky far above, speckled with a confetti of stars and the moon like a coin set in velvet. His lips curled into a shy excuse for a smile. "I know, hyung. I know."
To be continued...
---------------------------
So here it is 3rd chapter. I really hope you will forgive me for being late in updating, I really didn't find the right time since I'm busy because of school. I know many of you find it weird the way I pictured Sungmin in this fic, but please don't hate him. ^^ I guess maybe you start to like him more since this chapter....? ^^
I'm really sorry for being very late with replying your comments. I will reply all of them soon, I promise you. Please don't stop commenting me because I really enjoy reading your comments and it makes me want to write more. ^^
Another thing,
blacknox17 madamfishie icejuice coffeback totayelnsuerngd blue_gamer kyushiana pinku_haato teexsaurus amp morpher14
Thank you all for giving me all those songs suggestions. I can't thank you enough my dears for taking from your time and giving me those songs. I really checked all of them and I was more into the songs than writing the fic. I blame you all for liking such great music! ^^ Thank you ♥ You more than helped me. I'm sorry I don't have time to thank you all one by one, so I'm just writing this here. Thank you again my dears ♥
Love you all my readers! ♥
Please don't be silent and comment ^^
I don't bite.
COMMENTS ARE LOVE <3
follow me on twitter :) @kangins_