Today, I, in a moment of glory, snuck up on a wild squirrel and smacked it on the ass. Caught him totally by surprise! I feel like such a fuckin' hero.

I'm so proud of me.

It's already been a year to the day.

Has it reall been that long?

By its very function as the body's filter, liver is the source of the most concentrated delic-osity in the animaml.

I came home from Orlando last night bruised, exhausted, and smelling like every flavor of BO that saunters into Downtown Disney with $20.50 in his pocket. I step into the shower and, massaging the product into my scalp as the directions recommend, shampoo all the semen and urine out of my hair. Rinse and repeat. Having worked up a good lather, I ( Read more... )

...when we finally convert an old Sam's Club into a roller disco Mexican restaurant with 2 full bars and we get around to laying the psychedelic astronomy-themed hard carpeting and drafting the Magna Carta Vol.2 so that we can properly secede from the Union, then Thursdays will be Ladies' Nights and every day will boast $1 Punquila (Pumpkin tequila ( Read more... )

Some people simply aren't suitable to play the role of comforter. Case in point, my boss "consoling" sobbing people in my office after one of their former coworkers died from complications during surgery upon a brain tumor after being on sick leave for three months ( Read more... )

"This is what personal motivation means: the ability to live and work each day of your life in the freeing sun of positive expentancy ( Read more... )

So, for no good reason, I have decided that it would be better off if, instead of having how many-odd individual entries, it would be more effecient to condense them all into one single entry. Sort of a compendium in lieu of a running narration of whatever events of the past year or so that I've been bored enough to document ( Read more... )

No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice I need undergo, I want one. That's gumption right there. The guy gets pissed, wants to do some serious damage, but then realizes that he's limited as long as he doesn't have a tank, so the crazy bastard goes out and constructs himself one, complete with armor, fifty-cals, and all those other amenities we' ( Read more... )

For the past two years now, in almost all of my dreams, I find myself to be telekinetic and, thanks to its ubiquitousness, it stopped being a bizarre element long ago. I give no more thought to lifting objects thirty, forty feet away and whisking them across the room than I do to putting one foot in front of the other and, most of the time, neither ( Read more... )