The song conveying the most basic desire of my soul, of my psyche, of my being: to be GOOD, not only for myself, but for those whom i love, and whom (i can only assume), love me in return ( Read more... )

i remember waking up with you. i remember the sunlight coming in through the windows of the van, even when my body was instinctively, diurnally, bracing for the cold that was sure to be impending, that never came until i pussied out and ran back 'home.' i remember cracking my eyes open, to feeling your arms around me, nuzzled up against me, your ( Read more... )

The dance, the dance, the dance, I can't get it out of my head or out of my heart. Normally so quiet, so shy and reserved, my soul just comes ALIVE when I'm with children; for this reason, I can NEVER let it go, no matter how intensely it haunts and seeks to destroy me - I would rather have a Dream, wasted on the way, than nothing, than nowhere, ( Read more... )

He got married today. I knew this was coming, truly I did - it was a strange flip of the coin between me going down there to meet up with him, and then we would go off on some merry little adventure (allegedly), or marrying her, because he just couldn't handle being Alone anymore, because he just couldn't say no to the one person in his life who ( Read more... )

My father and i went to see 'Waiting for Superman' tonight; i had originally intended to go by myself, because i knew it was one of those movies, one of those outlets, in which i could quite simply sit in the theatre with tears streaming down my face, for all those beautiful, beautiful Children. yet my mother, in her infinite attempts to 'entertain ( Read more... )

I read a wonderful and glorious celebration to flying a sign, to humility, to the compassion of strangers and the resilient nature of existence; despite my dad's admonitions about how i aspire to nothing more than being a panhandler, it was exactly what i needed to read. it wasn't simply the exhilaration at that shared covenhood of 'fliers', about ( Read more... )

It is still slow and sticky, like moving through molasses, yet accompanied by a high-pitched screeching in my ears and a pounding of my heart. Is this what it feels like when you wake up one day and you're 60, you're 70, you're 80, and you've wasted the entirety of your life? Perhaps - I hope to never find out, because this hurts badly enough; this ( Read more... )

But Patience - the need right now is for nothing but the divinest of Patience. To invest myself in things that seemingly make no sense, to go through each day with the Hope of a smile on my face, because each day, in some way i cannot quite fathom as of Now, WILL get me closer to the most Holy of Holies - teaching the children, be is as a volunteer ( Read more... )

So which path do i take, which direction do i go? neither seems good, neither seems fortuitous, neither leads to anything Good, to anything Pure, to anything True. neither leads me Home, because Home is nowhere - because Home is circle time, home is nap-time, lunch time, recess time, story time. home is the smiles of a hundred children, home is ( Read more... )

I am a shell of what I once was; my dreams have become nothing more than nightmares - fishhooks laden with pesticides that dangle in front of my nose upon waking every fucking morning, luring me out of sweet oblivion and into the world I have destroyed. I am a shell of what I once was, of that person who said, 'i have big FUCKING DREAMS - i want ( Read more... )