When the World Made Sense (Part Three)
Title: When the World Made Sense
Author: hunters_retreat
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 26,000+
Warnings: pre-story off-screen death of a secondary character, slash
Author's Notes:Thank you so much to the mod's for this amazing challenge! And all my love to my amazing artist sillie82!
Summary: Once upon a time, Logan Cale's life made sense. Maybe not to anyone else, but it did to him. That was before he'd ever heard of Manticore, or X-5's, and certainly before he found himself the head of the Trans-normal movement that had sparked after the explosive outing of transgenics in Terminal City. Two years of fighting for the cause had taken its toll though, and not just on Logan. Anti-trans groups put a price on their heads and none more so than for Alec McDowell.
Alec tried to act like none of it bothered him but Logan knew different. They were co-conspirators and stood shoulder to shoulder leading the movement. An offhanded comment has Logan thinking it's time for a change, for the movement and for himself. Will Logan's grand experiment - a self-sustaining farming community for humans and transgenics alike - give them the chance to make peace with the world or will it fail? Will it give Alec the chance to finally heal from his emotional scars that a life as a Manticore assassin left him? And will they both finally realize what they’ve been fighting for all along?
“Cadence,” she purred the name and Alec took a step back as she brushed past him, tip of her tail trailing over his chest.
Logan watched the scene with growing trepidation. She’s practically ignored him as she came in even though Logan was the one explaining how they worked. As soon as Alec showed up, she’d jumped out of her seat to get close to him.
“Cadence, this is Alec.”
“Pleasure,” Alec said, looking questioningly at Logan. “I didn’t realize you were busy.”
“The car from San Francisco just dropped her off.” Logan had thought they’d have time to talk to them and he’d offered them a place to stay for the night. They’d been polite about it, but a few quick glances at Cadence and Logan understood that they just needed to be away from her.
He almost wished he’d listened to Mole.
“My friends call my Caddy,” she said to Alec, smiling up at him with her jet black face and white pointed teeth. Her voice slurred slightly against the teeth but it just made her seem more exotic and more dangerous.
“And I’m still Alec,” Alec said to her, moving away from her to take a seat in front of Logan’s desk.
The girl’s eyes went wide at the rejection but then she narrowed them as she looked back at Logan. “I’m tired. May I please see my room?”
“I’ll have someone take you down to the Dorm.”
“I won’t be staying here?”
“These are the main offices of Touchstone. Everyone lives in the Dorm when they get here.”
“Why do I smell the two of you here then?” she demanded, leaning over Logan’s desk as she nearly hissed.
Logan stood up, his patience at an end. He’d had to fight to get her here and this was the way she acted? “Where Alec and I sleep is none of your business. We took you in because you were having trouble in San Francisco. We’re opening up our home to you. I suggest you take some time to see what we’re about, to rest up, and to put your attitude in check because tomorrow morning you’ll be put to work and no one will be taking it easy on you. We all do a hard day’s work to contribute here. If you missed what I was telling you before, someone in the Dorm’s is sure to be able to fill you in.”
There was a knock on the door’s frame and Logan looked up, grateful for the person on the other side. “Thank you Dylan. You’re just in time. Can you take Cadence down to the Dorm? It’s her first night on the farm.”
Cadence looked over her shoulder and Logan watched as her formerly hostile stance became softer, more seductive. “Thank you so much for showing me the way,” she cooed, her tail wrapping around the X-6’s wrist. He seemed slightly afraid of her but when she nodded to her bags, he picked them up and led her out of the main house.
Logan let out a deep breath as he watched them heading down the stairs and he looked down at Alec to find the corners of his lips turned up ever so slightly.
“Wow, she really got to you. I don’t think you’ve ever disliked anyone so fast before. Except me.”
Logan rolled his eyes because he didn’t want to get into it with Alec. He didn’t want to talk about the way he had felt about Alec when he’d first come into his life, as assassin who was ready to turn Eyes Only over to Manticore. He didn’t want to talk about the way he felt about Alec now either. He wasn’t sure he even had words for it. If he did, Alec would never let him live it down so Logan just shook his head.
“She wasn’t even listening to me but as soon as you walked in, she was all over you.”
“Yeah, that tail was kinda freaky.”
“Alec.” The other man looked at him and there was too much mirth in his eyes. “We need to keep an eye on her. I want to see if she’s reacting to me as an administrator, or if she’s reacting to me because I’m human.”
Alec nodded. “Aye-aye Captain.” He started to walk out the door, but stopped and looked back. “And just so you know, I won’t tell her where I’m sleeping either.”
With a wink he was gone, quickly down the stairs and Logan was left in his office, alone, trying not to think about Alec and the wave of jealousy he’d felt when Cadence touched him.
**
The work is hard and no one is given much in the way of luxury. Everyone has a warm bed, food to eat, and the knowledge that they’re safe for the night. It was more than they had back in Terminal City and mostly it was appreciated. There were always grumbles, bruised bodies and people saying someone wasn’t doing their share, but mostly it was good. The Tribunal kept the justice if someone was adamant about unfair treatment and Logan was left to run the place. Alec got to watch Logan and throw his two cents in every so often.
Even with the good harvest they were getting, Alec couldn’t seem to relax. He enjoyed the farm far more than he’d have thought he would. Touchstone was a far better home than any other he’d had. He was his own man here, not someone shuffled around by orders, nor someone who was doing what they had to in a world they didn’t understand. Alec knew his role at the farm and he liked that aspect of it. There were plenty of days when he was out in the dirt with everyone else. He taught some of the older kids to pull weeds and the younger adults to work the animals. He spent nights reading the books from the main room and learned more about the native flora than he really wanted to but it was all information that would help them succeed. He’d learned about solar paneling and green house construction and how to compost. He also took his time helping to design the walls that they were building around the farm. So far, they’d managed to get the only road coming into the farm walled off. It wouldn’t stop someone from coming around it, but it would slow down anyone coming through with big vehicles and that was a start. The wall project would take a long time, but it was still going strong.
Alec was all over it, making sure that everything was running smoothly. Of course, they still had Mole and he made a point of annoying Alec at least once a day, but he’d learned to accept that into the routine of his life. Get up, eat breakfast with Logan, check in with the office and see if Logan needed him for anything, head out to the farm and help out where he was needed, lunch with the people he worked with usually taken as they lounged in the grass by the house or Dorm, and then back to the house to see what Logan needed in the afternoon with Mole interrupting him as he walked.
Today was no different. The sun was high and the farm crew was taking a long lunch after back breaking harvesting that morning. There was more work to be done but Syl’s people were out swimming or lying around the pond.
Logan was with them, sitting at a picnic table the construction crew had put together a week before. Lunch was spread out on the table in front of him and he was talking quietly to Syl. Logan could tell from the distance that whatever was being said wasn’t great news. It wasn’t as bad as another bounty on his head, but something was happening and neither Logan nor Syl were happy about it.
Before Alec could get Logan’s attention, he felt the soft brush of fur over his wrist and turned sharply. There was muffled laughter behind him but Alec didn’t bother to look at them. He glared at Cadence as she smiled seductively at him.
“Going to join us for lunch, Alec?” she asked as she brought a hand up to rest against his chest. “It feels so good to stretch out on the grass and relax.”
He grabbed her wrist and pushed her hand away. “Cadence, I have other plans for lunch.” He tried hard not to be rude to her, but Cadence was one of the problems that never seemed to go away. The mention of her name gave him a headache - as many complaints as they had about her it wasn’t hard to figure out why - and he had started to tense up whenever he saw her. She was constantly trying to touch him, making innuendos, and in general, rubbing him the wrong way. He could see the way some of the others stared at him and he was afraid to ask what sort of rumors she was making up about him. About them.
“Think I’ll find a little shade. It’s a bit warm for my tastes.”
Alec paced away from her and towards Logan. The picnic table was close to the pond’s edge but most of the people that were lying closer were on the dock a few feet away. Alec was always careful around water. It wasn’t a phobia, but he preferred to keep his feet dry and he didn’t want to fall victim to pranks in the water.
He took a seat next to Logan and didn’t bother to look at the other man to see if he needed privacy. Nothing that happened on the farm was hidden between them. If Syl had a complaint then Alec would know about it before the night’s end. He wasn’t really paying attention though. His attention was still on Cadence, annoyed and watchful as ever when she was close by. She seemed to take any attention he gave her as attention and she was preening on the dock, black furred body stretched out on the wooden planks.
There was a mixed group around her as was usual at Touchstone, normal with transgenics no matter where you looked. Cadence seemed to section them off whenever she was in a group though, like her DNA was mixed with a herding dog instead of a cat. Even now, Alec watched as she teased Dylan into moving closer to her, gesturing him over to whisper into his ear before subtly moving to sit between the transgenics and the humans on the dock. He didn’t know how she was so damn good at manipulating people but Alec was tired of dealing with it. He knew Logan felt the same way. It’d been the topic of more than one conversation.
“Alec, you sure you don’t want to join us in a swim?” Cadence asked, turning her body to stare at him over her shoulder.
“No thanks. Thought everyone knew cats don’t like water.”
Alec knew without looking that Logan was frowning over his words. Logan never liked it when Alec talked like he was a cat but in a lot of ways they resembled the animals they were mixed with and if Alec chose to make it a joke there were plenty of ordinaries who seemed more comfortable with that way of dealing with it.
“I’m going to head back to the office,” Alec told Logan as he stood up. “I should probably tackle all that paperwork you keep leaving on my desk.”
Logan gave him a tight smile but Alec knew his partner was aware of why he was leaving. Alec could only put up with Cadence in small increments and today he’d been overloaded with her. Syl didn’t say anything but she was watching Alec with a look he hadn’t seen before. He wasn’t sure he liked it, but for an escapee Syl was pretty cool and he let it go.
He took a step back from the tables but he felt Cadence’s tail wrapped over his arm, the tip trailing over the nape of his neck. “Come on Alec, come get wet with me.”
Alec didn’t have time to react before she grabbed him and pushed. Her tail moved as quickly as her arms and while her tail cut his legs out from him, she pushed his shoulders, throwing him back into the pond.
It wasn’t deep water, but it came up to Alec’s torso on the few occasions he’d waded in. Being off balance as he was, he fell into the water, completely submerging himself. He held his breath, eyes held shut as he pulled himself down to the bottom. He pushed away, trying to find a corner that he could hide in, a way to escape but he knew they would find him anyway. No matter how many times he tried to come up for air, they always pushed him back under, forced him down longer and longer each time until he passed out and they had to revive him. He felt the pressure on his lungs and tried to keep his calm, held back the screams that wanted to erupt from his throat before the need to breath built up inside him again.
He had pushed far enough away though and he knew realized it was larger than the Manticore tank had been. He went up for air, surprised when his head breeched the water’s surface and he wasn’t pushed back down or punished for surfacing early. He stood up in the water, stunned to hear laughter and feel the bright sun on his face.
“Alec?” Logan’s voice called him back from the past and he focused on the other man, remembering where he was. Who he was now.
He shook his head, running his hands over his face and through his hair as if he was wringing the water from his body to hide his disorientation. He felt a tremor in his limbs and started swimming back towards the shore to hide it. He didn’t go for the dock, but a few feet away from it where Logan stood.
“Come on Alec, stay in with us,” Cadence said.
Alec turned, glaring at her, and she finally seemed to notice the thin ice she walked on. She had no idea what was going on in Alec’s head but he didn’t care. They could all think him a humorless idiot but they were lucky he was trying to hold himself together or he’d have gone for her throat already. Cadence must have seen it in his eyes because she took a step back. Syl stood up from the table then. “Alight, lunch is over. Time to get back to it folks.”
Alec turned and walked away, heading back towards the main house. He could still feel the water in the back of his throat even though he hadn’t swallowed any today. The same way he could feel the pain in his chest from where they’d had to resuscitate him and his fingers ached from where he’d pounded at the tank walls, looking for escape. That hadn’t happened today though and Alec kept telling himself that. He made it back to the mud room of the house, grateful for the spare towels they kept there. He took off his shoes and socks and left them there as he stripped out of his shirt before he started to dry himself off.
“Alec?”
He ignored Logan’s words, afraid of what he’d see in Logan’s eyes if he looked up at him. “Fuck, I need a shower now.”
He barely had the words out of his mouth before another tremor hit. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. His mind might be a mess but he knew how to handle this. He knew how to keep his shit together and he wasn’t going to lose it in front of Logan.
“Alec?”
He didn’t know when he’d sat down on the bench just inside the back door, or when Logan had crouched down in front of him, but there was a warmth coming from Logan’s hand on his thigh and the one on the back of his neck. He held onto that feeling and let it ground him in the here in now, in Logan and Touchstone and the life he had.
There was more noise behind them and suddenly Logan stood up, pulling at Alec. “Let’s get you to the shower. I think the others are coming for the meeting.”
Alec didn’t say anything but he was grateful that Logan was helping him out of the mud room and up the stairs to their apartment. Logan didn’t say anything as they got there, just unlocked the door and pushed Alec inside. Alec was having a hard time thinking of what he should be doing and part of him knew it was shock but he still couldn’t wrap his brain around it.
The door closed behind him and Alec registered the way Logan moved away from him and into the bathroom. He registered the gentle way Logan was talking to him, constantly moving around him, touching him, keeping him in the present.
He walked with Logan when he wrapped his hand around Alec’s arm and pulled him into the bathroom. Steam filled the room and Alec leaned back against the wall as he felt Logan’s fingers begin to undo the button of his pants.
“Logan?”
“We need to get you warm, Alec,” Logan said with so much concern in his voice that Alec suddenly snapped back to himself.
He took a deep breath, grabbing Logan’s hands before he could do any more. “I got it,” he said softly, afraid to look Logan in the eye.
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Logan walked out of the room after looking at him for a minute, but he didn’t close the door when he walked out and Alec didn’t particularly want a divider between them at the moment either. He hated feeling so weak and needy, but he already knew that Logan had gotten under his skin and he needed to know the other man was close by.
He was leaning against the shower wall, watching the warm water circle the drain, when he heard noise on the other side of the shower curtain.
“Are you going to tell me what that was?”
Logan’s voice carried over the sound of the water but only just. It held the same concern as before and Alec hated doing that to Logan. After all the trouble he’d caused the other man, he didn’t want to add more.
“I don’t … I don’t like water,” Alec said softly. He shut the water off, grateful that the shaking had stopped soon after he’d stepped into the shower’s warmth.
A towel was thrown over the top of the curtain rod and Alec grabbed it, quickly drying his hair before wrapping it around his waist and opening the curtain.
Logan was standing against the door frame, watching.
“We were trained to stay under water for long periods of time,” Alec said as he stepped out of the shower. He stood and looked himself in the mirror instead of having to look Logan in the eye. It was easier that way and Logan gave him the time to pull himself together.
“I was inferior in breath control though. I repeatedly fell below the standards for the rest of my unit and I was given extra training. Which is a really nice way of saying they held me under the water until my breath capacity increased enough to join my unit.”
Out of the corner of his eye he could see Logan stiffen as he realized what they’d done. “Alec, they could have killed you.”
There was terror in Logan’s voice and it never failed to confuse Alec when Logan seemed so distressed by what he’d been through. “They did,” he said with a short laugh. “More than once I was drowned and they had to resuscitate me so that I could continue the training. Eventually my lungs were strong enough to handle the time under water and I got over it. I just … I stay away from water most of the time and I keep my head up so it doesn’t bother me. Today, with Cadence throwing me in like that, it felt too much like that.”
Logan didn’t say anything and Alec sighed. “I’m sorry I worried you.”
He felt the warmth of Logan against his back and looked up in the mirror to see Logan right behind him, eyes boring into his with an expression he wished he didn’t know.
“I’m fine, Logan. It just spooked me a little.”
“You were in shock.”
He couldn’t deny it. They both knew what shock looked like. Hell, they both knew what Alec was suffering from too, if he was honest about it, but neither of them was going to put a name to it tonight.
“I’m fine. Think I’ll just get dressed and find something to eat before the meeting.”
“Eat, then get some rest Alec,” Logan said as he finally backed out of Alec’s personal space. “I’ll take care of the meeting myself.”
“You sure you ca-”
“I’ll manage. If they really want you there then we’ll reschedule until tomorrow.”
Logan’s fingers trailed over Alec’s barcode and he shivered with the touch, but then Logan was gone and Alec took a deep breath before going to his room and getting dressed. He’d stay in their apartment, but only because he had those books to read and he knew he needed to keep to himself. He didn’t know what he’d do around Cadence tonight and he was pretty sure no one on Touchstone wanted to find out.
**
It wasn’t hard to figure out, though Logan’s mind kept returning to it time and time again. He knew that Alec wasn’t what he seemed, what Logan had once thought he was. When he had met Alec it’d been at the other end of his gun, Max hovering over him as Alec explained the poison that was running through his veins. Alec had been cold and threatening back then. He’d accepted his life as an assassin for Manticore and he’d learned not to want anything more. When he was sent to watch Logan die, he’d been happy enough to take the assignment.
Over time, Alec had grown into the man he was supposed to be. He wasn’t cold and calculating like the man Logan had seen. The Alec he knew was passionate and loyal. He cared about the community he lived in and he worked hard to make sure everyone was safe. When Max left the community, Alec had been brash and headstrong. He and Max fought about everything and it was only after she was gone that Logan realized Alec did it all to make Max a better leader. When she left, he stepped up and took on her responsibilities, but he did the same thing with the Tribunal, teaching them to think for the community. As Alec became more a fixture in Logan’s life, Alec became the one person Logan could turn to. He was a confidante, the perfect partner for Logan to bounce ideas off of, and in the end, a good friend. Alec was one of the most noble people he’d ever met and only a handful of people got to see the truth of that.
There were times when Logan saw something almost vulnerable in Alec, like that afternoon. He’d wanted to strangle Cadence more than once since she’d arrived at Toushstone - almost everyone had - but never more than when he’d seen Alec’s eyes as he climbed out of the water. No one else noticed it, too caught up in their laughter to see the moment where Alec started shaking, but Logan had never seen anything bother Alec like that.
His explanation was horrifying, like almost everything heard about his upbringing in Manticore, but Logan could see the way Alec was disconnected from the events. He knew it was a coping mechanism Alec used. Max had used it as well, though her trauma at the hands of Manticore had ended much earlier. It gave them a way to talk about the terrible things that had been done to them without breaking them down.
Logan sighed as he dropped the book to the desk. No matter how much he loved rereading Sherlock Holmes, he just wasn’t able to focus on it tonight. He was too restless to sleep and no matter what he tried to do - reading, work, research - he couldn’t keep his mind of Alec.
He didn’t want to admit to this thing between them, but it was a little late to start the denial now. It had been there for a while, the gnawing feeling at the pit of his stomach whenever he saw someone take too much of an interest in Alec. The transgenic was known for his string of one nighters in the community - he kept it honest so no one said anything. He’d apparently learned his lesson from his Jam Pony days - and even though Logan knew they didn’t mean anything more than a night of stress relief and fun it bothered him to see Alec walked off with someone.
Cadence had brought it fully to light of course. She couldn’t walk past Alec without letting that tail of hers slide up Alec’s back or wrap around his wrist and try to pull him closer. No matter how much Logan knew Alec disliked her, he felt the twinge of jealousy all the same.
He knew there was something there. It wasn’t one sided. Alec trusted him in ways he didn’t trust anyone else. Logan wasn’t sure Alec had ever been as deeply involved with anyone as he was Logan. They worked hard to pull the community together and even before their current living arrangements, they’d been at each other’s side almost every waking hour for months on end. Logan never tired of Alec’s company and Alec never seemed to feel the need to cover the silences that often crept up with tacky humor or senseless trivia the way he sometimes did with other people to hide his intelligence. Their current relationship might have begun as two men mourning for a dear friend, but they’d moved quickly past that to becoming true companions.
Logan pushed away from the desk, wishing he could push the thoughts away as easily. He walked out of the bedroom and through the living area to the kitchen to get some water. He was quiet as he opened the cabinet and pulled a cup down. He was just as quiet getting the pitcher of water out of the fridge. Alec was a light sleeper and he usually woke up when Logan was restless. Damn genetically engineered hearing kept Alec awake whenever Logan was.
Logan took a long drink, focusing on the cool water as it dripped down the back of his throat. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was normally better able to control his thoughts. It was Alec though and he’d been the exception to just about every rule Logan had.
He heard a noise from the bedrooms and sighed, wondering how long before Alec joined him. He went to take another drink but stopped before it reached his lips. He heard another sound from Alec’s room, but he could hear it better this time and it wasn’t Alec up and awake.
Logan set the cup down and walked back towards the bedrooms, listening carefully. He heard a moan on the other side of Alec’s door but it wasn’t the pleasurable kind. Logan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to ignore this. He didn’t want to go to his own room and try to hide the fact that he knew Alec was having a nightmare. He didn’t want Alec to have to suffer through it on his own, not when it was bad enough to have him screaming out in the night. Another scream filled the air, wordless and pain filled, and Logan turned the doorknob, letting himself into Alec’s room.
The only light in the room was the reflection of moon light through the open window and Logan was captivated by the shadowy figure on the bed. Alec wasn’t moving, but his hands were clenched tight in the sheets, the blanket lying in a puddle on the floor where Alec must have kicked it off at some point.
“Alec?” Logan said his name softly. He wasn’t sure what Alec would do if Logan had to touch him to wake him up but he couldn’t leave his friend in the grasp of the nightmare like that. He had a good enough idea of what Alec was dreaming about.
Alec didn’t wake to his voice. Logan took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of Alec’s bed. He stayed at the edge of the bed in case Alec woke violently, but he reached out, touching Alec’s shoulder gently. The touch was all it took and Alec’s eyes shot open as he sat up in bed, gulping in air.
“You’re alright, Alec,” Logan said softly, reaching across the space to touch Alec’s shoulder again.
Alec didn’t seem to be aware of him. He kept taking deep breaths and Logan moved closer until he could grab both of Alec’s shoulders. “Alec, look at me. It’s Logan. I’m here. You’re alright.”
“I’m alright,” Alec whispered, his voice trembling and less certain than Logan had ever heard from him before.
“I’ve got you, Alec.”
He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t for Alec to bury his head in Logan’s neck. Logan wrapped him tighter in his arms, awkwardly patting his back. Alec leaned more heavily into his body and Logan let go of all the ways he knew Alec would respond to his care and began calmly rubbing his arm up and down Alec’s back. He turned his head, breathing in Alec’s scent as he whispered a continuous litany of comfort until Alec finally relaxed against him.
Logan didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but when Alec’s back stiffened under his touch Logan let him pull back.
“I’m alright, Logan,” he said softly.
“Yeah, I can tell. What’s going on with you, Alec?”
It was the wrong thing to say apparently because Alec’s eyes narrowed slightly and Logan could see the anger creeping in. “It’s fine.”
“Don’t do this.”
“What?” Alec got off the bed to go stand against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.
Logan wanted to scream at him, but there was a wet patch on his shirt from the tears Alec would never admit to releasing and the nightmare was still in Alec’s eyes. “Don’t shut me out now. You need help.”
“Fuck you, Logan!” Alec yelled. “You think you know what I need? You don’t know the half of it but I’m keeping it together for you and Touchstone and everything else that needs a piece of me right now. I might not be great at it, but I’m dealing, Logan and I don’t need you looking over my shoulder on top of everything else.”
Logan felt the words like a slap to the face. He wanted to help Alec and he’d thought for a few minutes that Alec had actually been comforted by him. He knew he had, but Alec was reverting to old tactics to keep his misery to himself. As much as Logan hated it, he knew there was nothing else he could do. No matter how much this thing between them seemed to grow, he wasn’t sure Alec would ever be able to accept what they could be. He wasn’t even sure Alec was capable of opening himself up to another person like that again and it hurt to realize it now, after Logan had started to understand just how far he’d fallen for Alec.
“Fine, if you don’t need me, I’ll leave.”
He pushed up off the bed and turned his back on Alec. He didn’t stop until he was back in his own room, sliding between the cool covers to try to find a way to put Alec from his mind. It wouldn’t work, he knew, but Alec never made anything easy on him. When he finally closed his eyes in the early hours of the morning, it was to fitful dreams of the pained look in Alec’s eyes and sleep warmed skin against his hands.
On to Part Four
Author: hunters_retreat
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 26,000+
Warnings: pre-story off-screen death of a secondary character, slash
Author's Notes:Thank you so much to the mod's for this amazing challenge! And all my love to my amazing artist sillie82!
Summary: Once upon a time, Logan Cale's life made sense. Maybe not to anyone else, but it did to him. That was before he'd ever heard of Manticore, or X-5's, and certainly before he found himself the head of the Trans-normal movement that had sparked after the explosive outing of transgenics in Terminal City. Two years of fighting for the cause had taken its toll though, and not just on Logan. Anti-trans groups put a price on their heads and none more so than for Alec McDowell.
Alec tried to act like none of it bothered him but Logan knew different. They were co-conspirators and stood shoulder to shoulder leading the movement. An offhanded comment has Logan thinking it's time for a change, for the movement and for himself. Will Logan's grand experiment - a self-sustaining farming community for humans and transgenics alike - give them the chance to make peace with the world or will it fail? Will it give Alec the chance to finally heal from his emotional scars that a life as a Manticore assassin left him? And will they both finally realize what they’ve been fighting for all along?
“Cadence,” she purred the name and Alec took a step back as she brushed past him, tip of her tail trailing over his chest.
Logan watched the scene with growing trepidation. She’s practically ignored him as she came in even though Logan was the one explaining how they worked. As soon as Alec showed up, she’d jumped out of her seat to get close to him.
“Cadence, this is Alec.”
“Pleasure,” Alec said, looking questioningly at Logan. “I didn’t realize you were busy.”
“The car from San Francisco just dropped her off.” Logan had thought they’d have time to talk to them and he’d offered them a place to stay for the night. They’d been polite about it, but a few quick glances at Cadence and Logan understood that they just needed to be away from her.
He almost wished he’d listened to Mole.
“My friends call my Caddy,” she said to Alec, smiling up at him with her jet black face and white pointed teeth. Her voice slurred slightly against the teeth but it just made her seem more exotic and more dangerous.
“And I’m still Alec,” Alec said to her, moving away from her to take a seat in front of Logan’s desk.
The girl’s eyes went wide at the rejection but then she narrowed them as she looked back at Logan. “I’m tired. May I please see my room?”
“I’ll have someone take you down to the Dorm.”
“I won’t be staying here?”
“These are the main offices of Touchstone. Everyone lives in the Dorm when they get here.”
“Why do I smell the two of you here then?” she demanded, leaning over Logan’s desk as she nearly hissed.
Logan stood up, his patience at an end. He’d had to fight to get her here and this was the way she acted? “Where Alec and I sleep is none of your business. We took you in because you were having trouble in San Francisco. We’re opening up our home to you. I suggest you take some time to see what we’re about, to rest up, and to put your attitude in check because tomorrow morning you’ll be put to work and no one will be taking it easy on you. We all do a hard day’s work to contribute here. If you missed what I was telling you before, someone in the Dorm’s is sure to be able to fill you in.”
There was a knock on the door’s frame and Logan looked up, grateful for the person on the other side. “Thank you Dylan. You’re just in time. Can you take Cadence down to the Dorm? It’s her first night on the farm.”
Cadence looked over her shoulder and Logan watched as her formerly hostile stance became softer, more seductive. “Thank you so much for showing me the way,” she cooed, her tail wrapping around the X-6’s wrist. He seemed slightly afraid of her but when she nodded to her bags, he picked them up and led her out of the main house.
Logan let out a deep breath as he watched them heading down the stairs and he looked down at Alec to find the corners of his lips turned up ever so slightly.
“Wow, she really got to you. I don’t think you’ve ever disliked anyone so fast before. Except me.”
Logan rolled his eyes because he didn’t want to get into it with Alec. He didn’t want to talk about the way he had felt about Alec when he’d first come into his life, as assassin who was ready to turn Eyes Only over to Manticore. He didn’t want to talk about the way he felt about Alec now either. He wasn’t sure he even had words for it. If he did, Alec would never let him live it down so Logan just shook his head.
“She wasn’t even listening to me but as soon as you walked in, she was all over you.”
“Yeah, that tail was kinda freaky.”
“Alec.” The other man looked at him and there was too much mirth in his eyes. “We need to keep an eye on her. I want to see if she’s reacting to me as an administrator, or if she’s reacting to me because I’m human.”
Alec nodded. “Aye-aye Captain.” He started to walk out the door, but stopped and looked back. “And just so you know, I won’t tell her where I’m sleeping either.”
With a wink he was gone, quickly down the stairs and Logan was left in his office, alone, trying not to think about Alec and the wave of jealousy he’d felt when Cadence touched him.
**
The work is hard and no one is given much in the way of luxury. Everyone has a warm bed, food to eat, and the knowledge that they’re safe for the night. It was more than they had back in Terminal City and mostly it was appreciated. There were always grumbles, bruised bodies and people saying someone wasn’t doing their share, but mostly it was good. The Tribunal kept the justice if someone was adamant about unfair treatment and Logan was left to run the place. Alec got to watch Logan and throw his two cents in every so often.
Even with the good harvest they were getting, Alec couldn’t seem to relax. He enjoyed the farm far more than he’d have thought he would. Touchstone was a far better home than any other he’d had. He was his own man here, not someone shuffled around by orders, nor someone who was doing what they had to in a world they didn’t understand. Alec knew his role at the farm and he liked that aspect of it. There were plenty of days when he was out in the dirt with everyone else. He taught some of the older kids to pull weeds and the younger adults to work the animals. He spent nights reading the books from the main room and learned more about the native flora than he really wanted to but it was all information that would help them succeed. He’d learned about solar paneling and green house construction and how to compost. He also took his time helping to design the walls that they were building around the farm. So far, they’d managed to get the only road coming into the farm walled off. It wouldn’t stop someone from coming around it, but it would slow down anyone coming through with big vehicles and that was a start. The wall project would take a long time, but it was still going strong.
Alec was all over it, making sure that everything was running smoothly. Of course, they still had Mole and he made a point of annoying Alec at least once a day, but he’d learned to accept that into the routine of his life. Get up, eat breakfast with Logan, check in with the office and see if Logan needed him for anything, head out to the farm and help out where he was needed, lunch with the people he worked with usually taken as they lounged in the grass by the house or Dorm, and then back to the house to see what Logan needed in the afternoon with Mole interrupting him as he walked.
Today was no different. The sun was high and the farm crew was taking a long lunch after back breaking harvesting that morning. There was more work to be done but Syl’s people were out swimming or lying around the pond.
Logan was with them, sitting at a picnic table the construction crew had put together a week before. Lunch was spread out on the table in front of him and he was talking quietly to Syl. Logan could tell from the distance that whatever was being said wasn’t great news. It wasn’t as bad as another bounty on his head, but something was happening and neither Logan nor Syl were happy about it.
Before Alec could get Logan’s attention, he felt the soft brush of fur over his wrist and turned sharply. There was muffled laughter behind him but Alec didn’t bother to look at them. He glared at Cadence as she smiled seductively at him.
“Going to join us for lunch, Alec?” she asked as she brought a hand up to rest against his chest. “It feels so good to stretch out on the grass and relax.”
He grabbed her wrist and pushed her hand away. “Cadence, I have other plans for lunch.” He tried hard not to be rude to her, but Cadence was one of the problems that never seemed to go away. The mention of her name gave him a headache - as many complaints as they had about her it wasn’t hard to figure out why - and he had started to tense up whenever he saw her. She was constantly trying to touch him, making innuendos, and in general, rubbing him the wrong way. He could see the way some of the others stared at him and he was afraid to ask what sort of rumors she was making up about him. About them.
“Think I’ll find a little shade. It’s a bit warm for my tastes.”
Alec paced away from her and towards Logan. The picnic table was close to the pond’s edge but most of the people that were lying closer were on the dock a few feet away. Alec was always careful around water. It wasn’t a phobia, but he preferred to keep his feet dry and he didn’t want to fall victim to pranks in the water.
He took a seat next to Logan and didn’t bother to look at the other man to see if he needed privacy. Nothing that happened on the farm was hidden between them. If Syl had a complaint then Alec would know about it before the night’s end. He wasn’t really paying attention though. His attention was still on Cadence, annoyed and watchful as ever when she was close by. She seemed to take any attention he gave her as attention and she was preening on the dock, black furred body stretched out on the wooden planks.
There was a mixed group around her as was usual at Touchstone, normal with transgenics no matter where you looked. Cadence seemed to section them off whenever she was in a group though, like her DNA was mixed with a herding dog instead of a cat. Even now, Alec watched as she teased Dylan into moving closer to her, gesturing him over to whisper into his ear before subtly moving to sit between the transgenics and the humans on the dock. He didn’t know how she was so damn good at manipulating people but Alec was tired of dealing with it. He knew Logan felt the same way. It’d been the topic of more than one conversation.
“Alec, you sure you don’t want to join us in a swim?” Cadence asked, turning her body to stare at him over her shoulder.
“No thanks. Thought everyone knew cats don’t like water.”
Alec knew without looking that Logan was frowning over his words. Logan never liked it when Alec talked like he was a cat but in a lot of ways they resembled the animals they were mixed with and if Alec chose to make it a joke there were plenty of ordinaries who seemed more comfortable with that way of dealing with it.
“I’m going to head back to the office,” Alec told Logan as he stood up. “I should probably tackle all that paperwork you keep leaving on my desk.”
Logan gave him a tight smile but Alec knew his partner was aware of why he was leaving. Alec could only put up with Cadence in small increments and today he’d been overloaded with her. Syl didn’t say anything but she was watching Alec with a look he hadn’t seen before. He wasn’t sure he liked it, but for an escapee Syl was pretty cool and he let it go.
He took a step back from the tables but he felt Cadence’s tail wrapped over his arm, the tip trailing over the nape of his neck. “Come on Alec, come get wet with me.”
Alec didn’t have time to react before she grabbed him and pushed. Her tail moved as quickly as her arms and while her tail cut his legs out from him, she pushed his shoulders, throwing him back into the pond.
It wasn’t deep water, but it came up to Alec’s torso on the few occasions he’d waded in. Being off balance as he was, he fell into the water, completely submerging himself. He held his breath, eyes held shut as he pulled himself down to the bottom. He pushed away, trying to find a corner that he could hide in, a way to escape but he knew they would find him anyway. No matter how many times he tried to come up for air, they always pushed him back under, forced him down longer and longer each time until he passed out and they had to revive him. He felt the pressure on his lungs and tried to keep his calm, held back the screams that wanted to erupt from his throat before the need to breath built up inside him again.
He had pushed far enough away though and he knew realized it was larger than the Manticore tank had been. He went up for air, surprised when his head breeched the water’s surface and he wasn’t pushed back down or punished for surfacing early. He stood up in the water, stunned to hear laughter and feel the bright sun on his face.
“Alec?” Logan’s voice called him back from the past and he focused on the other man, remembering where he was. Who he was now.
He shook his head, running his hands over his face and through his hair as if he was wringing the water from his body to hide his disorientation. He felt a tremor in his limbs and started swimming back towards the shore to hide it. He didn’t go for the dock, but a few feet away from it where Logan stood.
“Come on Alec, stay in with us,” Cadence said.
Alec turned, glaring at her, and she finally seemed to notice the thin ice she walked on. She had no idea what was going on in Alec’s head but he didn’t care. They could all think him a humorless idiot but they were lucky he was trying to hold himself together or he’d have gone for her throat already. Cadence must have seen it in his eyes because she took a step back. Syl stood up from the table then. “Alight, lunch is over. Time to get back to it folks.”
Alec turned and walked away, heading back towards the main house. He could still feel the water in the back of his throat even though he hadn’t swallowed any today. The same way he could feel the pain in his chest from where they’d had to resuscitate him and his fingers ached from where he’d pounded at the tank walls, looking for escape. That hadn’t happened today though and Alec kept telling himself that. He made it back to the mud room of the house, grateful for the spare towels they kept there. He took off his shoes and socks and left them there as he stripped out of his shirt before he started to dry himself off.
“Alec?”
He ignored Logan’s words, afraid of what he’d see in Logan’s eyes if he looked up at him. “Fuck, I need a shower now.”
He barely had the words out of his mouth before another tremor hit. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. His mind might be a mess but he knew how to handle this. He knew how to keep his shit together and he wasn’t going to lose it in front of Logan.
“Alec?”
He didn’t know when he’d sat down on the bench just inside the back door, or when Logan had crouched down in front of him, but there was a warmth coming from Logan’s hand on his thigh and the one on the back of his neck. He held onto that feeling and let it ground him in the here in now, in Logan and Touchstone and the life he had.
There was more noise behind them and suddenly Logan stood up, pulling at Alec. “Let’s get you to the shower. I think the others are coming for the meeting.”
Alec didn’t say anything but he was grateful that Logan was helping him out of the mud room and up the stairs to their apartment. Logan didn’t say anything as they got there, just unlocked the door and pushed Alec inside. Alec was having a hard time thinking of what he should be doing and part of him knew it was shock but he still couldn’t wrap his brain around it.
The door closed behind him and Alec registered the way Logan moved away from him and into the bathroom. He registered the gentle way Logan was talking to him, constantly moving around him, touching him, keeping him in the present.
He walked with Logan when he wrapped his hand around Alec’s arm and pulled him into the bathroom. Steam filled the room and Alec leaned back against the wall as he felt Logan’s fingers begin to undo the button of his pants.
“Logan?”
“We need to get you warm, Alec,” Logan said with so much concern in his voice that Alec suddenly snapped back to himself.
He took a deep breath, grabbing Logan’s hands before he could do any more. “I got it,” he said softly, afraid to look Logan in the eye.
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Logan walked out of the room after looking at him for a minute, but he didn’t close the door when he walked out and Alec didn’t particularly want a divider between them at the moment either. He hated feeling so weak and needy, but he already knew that Logan had gotten under his skin and he needed to know the other man was close by.
He was leaning against the shower wall, watching the warm water circle the drain, when he heard noise on the other side of the shower curtain.
“Are you going to tell me what that was?”
Logan’s voice carried over the sound of the water but only just. It held the same concern as before and Alec hated doing that to Logan. After all the trouble he’d caused the other man, he didn’t want to add more.
“I don’t … I don’t like water,” Alec said softly. He shut the water off, grateful that the shaking had stopped soon after he’d stepped into the shower’s warmth.
A towel was thrown over the top of the curtain rod and Alec grabbed it, quickly drying his hair before wrapping it around his waist and opening the curtain.
Logan was standing against the door frame, watching.
“We were trained to stay under water for long periods of time,” Alec said as he stepped out of the shower. He stood and looked himself in the mirror instead of having to look Logan in the eye. It was easier that way and Logan gave him the time to pull himself together.
“I was inferior in breath control though. I repeatedly fell below the standards for the rest of my unit and I was given extra training. Which is a really nice way of saying they held me under the water until my breath capacity increased enough to join my unit.”
Out of the corner of his eye he could see Logan stiffen as he realized what they’d done. “Alec, they could have killed you.”
There was terror in Logan’s voice and it never failed to confuse Alec when Logan seemed so distressed by what he’d been through. “They did,” he said with a short laugh. “More than once I was drowned and they had to resuscitate me so that I could continue the training. Eventually my lungs were strong enough to handle the time under water and I got over it. I just … I stay away from water most of the time and I keep my head up so it doesn’t bother me. Today, with Cadence throwing me in like that, it felt too much like that.”
Logan didn’t say anything and Alec sighed. “I’m sorry I worried you.”
He felt the warmth of Logan against his back and looked up in the mirror to see Logan right behind him, eyes boring into his with an expression he wished he didn’t know.
“I’m fine, Logan. It just spooked me a little.”
“You were in shock.”
He couldn’t deny it. They both knew what shock looked like. Hell, they both knew what Alec was suffering from too, if he was honest about it, but neither of them was going to put a name to it tonight.
“I’m fine. Think I’ll just get dressed and find something to eat before the meeting.”
“Eat, then get some rest Alec,” Logan said as he finally backed out of Alec’s personal space. “I’ll take care of the meeting myself.”
“You sure you ca-”
“I’ll manage. If they really want you there then we’ll reschedule until tomorrow.”
Logan’s fingers trailed over Alec’s barcode and he shivered with the touch, but then Logan was gone and Alec took a deep breath before going to his room and getting dressed. He’d stay in their apartment, but only because he had those books to read and he knew he needed to keep to himself. He didn’t know what he’d do around Cadence tonight and he was pretty sure no one on Touchstone wanted to find out.
**
It wasn’t hard to figure out, though Logan’s mind kept returning to it time and time again. He knew that Alec wasn’t what he seemed, what Logan had once thought he was. When he had met Alec it’d been at the other end of his gun, Max hovering over him as Alec explained the poison that was running through his veins. Alec had been cold and threatening back then. He’d accepted his life as an assassin for Manticore and he’d learned not to want anything more. When he was sent to watch Logan die, he’d been happy enough to take the assignment.
Over time, Alec had grown into the man he was supposed to be. He wasn’t cold and calculating like the man Logan had seen. The Alec he knew was passionate and loyal. He cared about the community he lived in and he worked hard to make sure everyone was safe. When Max left the community, Alec had been brash and headstrong. He and Max fought about everything and it was only after she was gone that Logan realized Alec did it all to make Max a better leader. When she left, he stepped up and took on her responsibilities, but he did the same thing with the Tribunal, teaching them to think for the community. As Alec became more a fixture in Logan’s life, Alec became the one person Logan could turn to. He was a confidante, the perfect partner for Logan to bounce ideas off of, and in the end, a good friend. Alec was one of the most noble people he’d ever met and only a handful of people got to see the truth of that.
There were times when Logan saw something almost vulnerable in Alec, like that afternoon. He’d wanted to strangle Cadence more than once since she’d arrived at Toushstone - almost everyone had - but never more than when he’d seen Alec’s eyes as he climbed out of the water. No one else noticed it, too caught up in their laughter to see the moment where Alec started shaking, but Logan had never seen anything bother Alec like that.
His explanation was horrifying, like almost everything heard about his upbringing in Manticore, but Logan could see the way Alec was disconnected from the events. He knew it was a coping mechanism Alec used. Max had used it as well, though her trauma at the hands of Manticore had ended much earlier. It gave them a way to talk about the terrible things that had been done to them without breaking them down.
Logan sighed as he dropped the book to the desk. No matter how much he loved rereading Sherlock Holmes, he just wasn’t able to focus on it tonight. He was too restless to sleep and no matter what he tried to do - reading, work, research - he couldn’t keep his mind of Alec.
He didn’t want to admit to this thing between them, but it was a little late to start the denial now. It had been there for a while, the gnawing feeling at the pit of his stomach whenever he saw someone take too much of an interest in Alec. The transgenic was known for his string of one nighters in the community - he kept it honest so no one said anything. He’d apparently learned his lesson from his Jam Pony days - and even though Logan knew they didn’t mean anything more than a night of stress relief and fun it bothered him to see Alec walked off with someone.
Cadence had brought it fully to light of course. She couldn’t walk past Alec without letting that tail of hers slide up Alec’s back or wrap around his wrist and try to pull him closer. No matter how much Logan knew Alec disliked her, he felt the twinge of jealousy all the same.
He knew there was something there. It wasn’t one sided. Alec trusted him in ways he didn’t trust anyone else. Logan wasn’t sure Alec had ever been as deeply involved with anyone as he was Logan. They worked hard to pull the community together and even before their current living arrangements, they’d been at each other’s side almost every waking hour for months on end. Logan never tired of Alec’s company and Alec never seemed to feel the need to cover the silences that often crept up with tacky humor or senseless trivia the way he sometimes did with other people to hide his intelligence. Their current relationship might have begun as two men mourning for a dear friend, but they’d moved quickly past that to becoming true companions.
Logan pushed away from the desk, wishing he could push the thoughts away as easily. He walked out of the bedroom and through the living area to the kitchen to get some water. He was quiet as he opened the cabinet and pulled a cup down. He was just as quiet getting the pitcher of water out of the fridge. Alec was a light sleeper and he usually woke up when Logan was restless. Damn genetically engineered hearing kept Alec awake whenever Logan was.
Logan took a long drink, focusing on the cool water as it dripped down the back of his throat. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was normally better able to control his thoughts. It was Alec though and he’d been the exception to just about every rule Logan had.
He heard a noise from the bedrooms and sighed, wondering how long before Alec joined him. He went to take another drink but stopped before it reached his lips. He heard another sound from Alec’s room, but he could hear it better this time and it wasn’t Alec up and awake.
Logan set the cup down and walked back towards the bedrooms, listening carefully. He heard a moan on the other side of Alec’s door but it wasn’t the pleasurable kind. Logan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to ignore this. He didn’t want to go to his own room and try to hide the fact that he knew Alec was having a nightmare. He didn’t want Alec to have to suffer through it on his own, not when it was bad enough to have him screaming out in the night. Another scream filled the air, wordless and pain filled, and Logan turned the doorknob, letting himself into Alec’s room.
The only light in the room was the reflection of moon light through the open window and Logan was captivated by the shadowy figure on the bed. Alec wasn’t moving, but his hands were clenched tight in the sheets, the blanket lying in a puddle on the floor where Alec must have kicked it off at some point.
“Alec?” Logan said his name softly. He wasn’t sure what Alec would do if Logan had to touch him to wake him up but he couldn’t leave his friend in the grasp of the nightmare like that. He had a good enough idea of what Alec was dreaming about.
Alec didn’t wake to his voice. Logan took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of Alec’s bed. He stayed at the edge of the bed in case Alec woke violently, but he reached out, touching Alec’s shoulder gently. The touch was all it took and Alec’s eyes shot open as he sat up in bed, gulping in air.
“You’re alright, Alec,” Logan said softly, reaching across the space to touch Alec’s shoulder again.
Alec didn’t seem to be aware of him. He kept taking deep breaths and Logan moved closer until he could grab both of Alec’s shoulders. “Alec, look at me. It’s Logan. I’m here. You’re alright.”
“I’m alright,” Alec whispered, his voice trembling and less certain than Logan had ever heard from him before.
“I’ve got you, Alec.”
He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t for Alec to bury his head in Logan’s neck. Logan wrapped him tighter in his arms, awkwardly patting his back. Alec leaned more heavily into his body and Logan let go of all the ways he knew Alec would respond to his care and began calmly rubbing his arm up and down Alec’s back. He turned his head, breathing in Alec’s scent as he whispered a continuous litany of comfort until Alec finally relaxed against him.
Logan didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but when Alec’s back stiffened under his touch Logan let him pull back.
“I’m alright, Logan,” he said softly.
“Yeah, I can tell. What’s going on with you, Alec?”
It was the wrong thing to say apparently because Alec’s eyes narrowed slightly and Logan could see the anger creeping in. “It’s fine.”
“Don’t do this.”
“What?” Alec got off the bed to go stand against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.
Logan wanted to scream at him, but there was a wet patch on his shirt from the tears Alec would never admit to releasing and the nightmare was still in Alec’s eyes. “Don’t shut me out now. You need help.”
“Fuck you, Logan!” Alec yelled. “You think you know what I need? You don’t know the half of it but I’m keeping it together for you and Touchstone and everything else that needs a piece of me right now. I might not be great at it, but I’m dealing, Logan and I don’t need you looking over my shoulder on top of everything else.”
Logan felt the words like a slap to the face. He wanted to help Alec and he’d thought for a few minutes that Alec had actually been comforted by him. He knew he had, but Alec was reverting to old tactics to keep his misery to himself. As much as Logan hated it, he knew there was nothing else he could do. No matter how much this thing between them seemed to grow, he wasn’t sure Alec would ever be able to accept what they could be. He wasn’t even sure Alec was capable of opening himself up to another person like that again and it hurt to realize it now, after Logan had started to understand just how far he’d fallen for Alec.
“Fine, if you don’t need me, I’ll leave.”
He pushed up off the bed and turned his back on Alec. He didn’t stop until he was back in his own room, sliding between the cool covers to try to find a way to put Alec from his mind. It wouldn’t work, he knew, but Alec never made anything easy on him. When he finally closed his eyes in the early hours of the morning, it was to fitful dreams of the pained look in Alec’s eyes and sleep warmed skin against his hands.
On to Part Four