[Series] Secret Ramblings - Secret 01
Title: Secret Ramblings
Pairing: Changmin/Yunho (broken), JaeChun BFF-ery
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summery: Changmin wants to be happy.
A/N This is a series comprised of secrets. A collection of disjointed stories that have nothing in common but the fact that they all share a secret.
Yunho kicked him out a week ago.
Jaejoong was nice enough to let him stay at his place while he looked for another apartment, one he would be sharing with only himself as company.
He hasn't lived alone in almost three years.
"You really need to stop," Jaejoong sets a cup of coffee down in front of him and Changmin looks up from the letter he's writing. Jaejoong is looking at him the same way he does every day, with sorrow. It's written across his face like the ink still drying on his paper. "It's over, Changmin. You need to let it go."
He knows he should, he knows he has too, but he can't.
He. Can't.
Not when he sees Yunho at work every day, laughing, talking, flirting with everyone right in front of him. It's like he's washed everything away, dirt from his heart and it's clean again, brand new and Changmin means nothing.
It's not so easy for him to stop something he feels every morning he wakes up, something he wants every night he goes to sleep.
He doesn't work like that. He never has.
Everything reminds him of Yunho.
It's not so easy to erase that as if it were a mistake to be rewritten. Even the cup of coffee that's sitting so innocently in front of him is an identical twin to the cup he gave Yunho for Christmas one year.
Jaejoong sits and sips his coffee and Changmin continues to write. "What are you writing?"
"A letter," he answers quickly and finishes his sentence.
Do you remember when we went to the river? You told me you loved me.
"To whom?" he inquires, though Changmin knows he's very much aware of the answer while he continues to write.
I sleep in your shirt, the one with the hole under the arm. It smells like you and helps me sleep easier. How do you sleep at night?
"Yunho," Changmin answers and sets the pen down, note pad aside and when Jaejoong reaches to steal it away he grabs it quickly and presses it against his chest. "I know you're trying to help me, I'm grateful for it," he glares into his eyes, "but you don't understand what it's like. What I'm feeling right now," he tells him and stands up, keeping the notebook against his heart and taking the cup of coffee with his free hand. "Thanks for the coffee," he mutters and leaves for his room.
Changmin can feel Jaejoong, with the same look on his face, the way he looks at him every day, watching him until the door closes with a quiet click.
I love you
Changmin sets his contact and stares at the black text that shines against his pillow.
After a second he closes his phone when his eyes burn too much and he can't see anything more but wavering words that mean nothing to him, but everything to Changmin.
"Jaejoong's worried you're depressed," Yoochun settles beside him in the booth. A man with several lip piercing on his face walks up to them and Yoochun orders two beers. Changmin pulls out his phone to see if anyone's called, more specifically if he has called.
But he hasn't.
And probably won't.
"Does that mean I should be worried too?" Yoochun asks, tugging the phone from Changmin's hand.
Changmin lowers his head to the sticky table and sighs. "Jaejoong is suffocating me," he groans and suddenly feels the gentle stroke of fingers along his hair, cool and comforting.
"Jaejoong just wants you to get back to being yourself. He doesn't understand," he comforts and Changmin sits up, Yoochun's hand falling from his hair to rest against his neck. He gives it a loving squeeze that doesn't help, but the effort is appreciated. "He's dead inside remember?" and Yoochun laughs.
Changmin sometimes wishes he could be dead inside too.
"I still think about him, all the time, Yoochun. I think," he starts to play with the knife on the table, running his finger along the dull edge; for a moment he wishes it were just a little sharper. "I think I'm going crazy," he presses against it hard.
No one knows he likes to sit on the rooftop by himself.
He remembers the first time he brought Yunho with him, the wind, vicious in the air and Yunho laughed when Changmin almost got carried away from the ledge and he wrapped his arms around him, hugging him close.
"I'll always catch you," he whispered deeply before kissing him and the wind seemed to stop.
Changmin reads his letters when Jaejoong is out with Yoochun. They're scattered around him in a protective circle, letters of devotion, letters of love, letters of hope.
I'd forgive you, if only you'd ask.
Changmin touches the white paper with his finger tips reverently.
I still hope one day you'll call me and want me to come back.
He grabs another.
I saw you at our favorite restaurant. You were with someone else and you looked happy. Do you know it breaks my heart that you don't care anymore?
He doesn't feel the tears that start to make the ink bleed.
When the door opens his face is pressed into his knees and someone's arms are around him. He wants it to be Yunho.
"Fuck," he hears Yoochun whisper.
He cries harder when he see's Jaejoong's face instead.
I miss you
Yunho kicked him out two weeks ago.
Jaejoong doesn't ask him if he's found another apartment.
He quit his job and he hasn't seen Yunho since.
Have a wonderful day
He reads it over and over again. When it stops making sense he closes his phone and throws it against the wall.
"I think we should go out tonight," Jaejoong settles next to him on the couch and Changmin turns from the black television screen he's been staring into for the last hour. "Yoochun found this great bar." Changmin turns back to the black screen then feels Jaejoong's warm hand grasp his desperately. "Please, Changmin," he begs softly and Changmin tells himself to breathe.
He looks at Jaejoong; he doesn't remember when he started looking so tired. Knows it's his fault. And for that reason, for the shame that sweeps over him in silent apology, he agrees.
"You are not wearing that," Jaejoong tells him the moment Changmin steps out. He looks down at himself curiously then at Yoochun who's gone a little pale.
"Changmin, you've got to be kidding me," he jumps from the bar stool and walks over to him.
Changmin thinks he looks great. Better than ever.
"What's wrong with this?" he ask genuinely confused but Jaejoong's looking at him like he wants to hit him, shake him, knock sense that's been long overdue back into him.
Yoochun holds his hand up in Jaejoong's direction to stop him from advancing any further. "This is kind of sick," he tells him and Changmin knows it was meant to be heard by him. He leads him back into his room and closes the door behind him.
Changmin stands in the center of his room, smoothing down the gray shirt. When his fingers run over the fabric it makes his body tingle and in a second he's lost in himself.
"That's why you can't wear that," Yoochun steals into his thoughts and he opens his eyes, Yoochun looks sad and full of understanding. "You can't wear his clothes, Changmin."
His mouth dries. "I love this shirt," he adjusts the collar and glances in the mirror. He see's Yunho staring back at him and his heart flutters.
"Yeah," Yoochun bites his lip and moves in, blocking Yunho's image. "You've got to change your shirt," he tugs him towards the closet and turns on the light, takes a quick inventory glance at him, "and the belt, god are those his socks?"
When they come out of the bedroom Jaejoong is already drinking, there's a half empty bottles of Soju, a full shot glass to his mouth. He looks Changmin over and knocks the drink back in one fluid motion. "Better," he wheezes and sets the glass down quickly. "Let's go."
Changmin hangs his head as Yoochun leads him out the door. "You look great," he affirms and grabs his hand tightly.
Changmin thinks he looks terrible. When Jaejoong wraps his arm around his neck, he feels cold.
The bar is in fact great, lots of people are drinking, having fun. Jaejoong's unbuttoned his shirt a little to relieve the heat of the atmosphere and Yoochun's coat is handing along the chair. They have too many empty bottles on the table and Changmin wants to pass out. It's been drink after drink after drink after… he doesn't know how many he's had but it's a lot.
They're trying to drown his sorrows with alcohol.
It doesn't seem to be working.
Changmin remembers drunken nights, the excitement of going out, having fun, drinking till it seemed completely appropriate to fondle Yunho in front of everyone. Remembers the time they were kicked out for lewd behavior and ran from the cops when someone caught them having sex by the dumpster.
When he remembers the burn in his eyes intensifies and he grabs another shot glass filled to the brim with tequila in hopes to make it go away.
The way Jaejoong touches his hair he thinks of Yunho and he lets out a strangled cry that makes both he and Yoochun jump.
"Move," Changmin shoves Yoochun from the booth, "move," he burps and feels the liquor in his stomach jolt violently.
Yoochun scurries out quickly and Changmin almost falls when he gets to his feet.
"You ok?" Jaejoong turns concerned and Yoochun holds his elbow while Changmin feels the sick slowly rising into his throat. He covers his mouth.
"Shit, I think he's gonna blow," Yoochun pulls his hand away and Changmin rushes off, too intent on finding the bathroom to apologize to everyone he's shoved, pushed and bumped into on his way.
When he actually finds himself an empty stall and he's kneeling over the toilet, glad it's clean, nothing comes out. He waits for a few moments, just in case. Instead he burps, loudly and the feeling is gone.
On shaky legs he opens the door and wobbles towards the sink. He holds himself up when the room starts to spin in dizzy circles around him and flips on the water, leaning down to wet his face. It feels soothing against his flushed skin.
When he looks in the mirror, he doesn't recognize himself.
Jaejoong made him cut his hair to clean the slate. Yoochun bought him new earrings so he wouldn't have to wear the only other pair he had, a gift from Yunho the first year that marked their relationship.
His eyes are empty, lifeless, cold and he wonders if they'll ever shine they way they used to when he looked at him.
Or if he'll ever be happy again.
As Changmin manages to walk back to the table Yoochun and Jaejoong hand him another drink.
"Just drink it," Jaejoong insists and together all three of them down the shot which leaves a burning trail down his throat into his stomach, he almost wishes it would burn into his heart.
Changmin can hardly see straight; he thinks his feet have forgotten how to work and Yoochun and Jaejoong have one of his arms thrown over their shoulders as they lead him out. It's difficult with all the people trying to get in, but they somehow manage and the cold air hits him like a slap in the face. Changmin groans and his head flops backwards in agony. He feels like he's on a tilt and whirl and it's never going to stop.
"Maybe we went a little overboard," Yoochun laughs a little and Jaejoong snorts, pressing close as a row of girls walk past them.
Changmin just want to go home already but they stop walking and he hears Yoochun whisper beside him.
"Fuck."
"What?" Changmin lifts his head and opens his eyes.
And he sees him.
Yunho.
Who looks amazing dressed all in black.
His smile falls when their eyes lock.
"Shit, Changmin," Jaejoong holds him when he starts to sink down.
His heart is dying again.
A serrated knife slicing layer by layer, starting from the top working until there's nothing left.
He was smiling.
He was laughing.
He was holding another guy's hand.
Before the tears fall Changmin folds over and empties his stomach on the ground.
Yunho told him in a restaurant, where he couldn't make a scene, where he was forced to remain calm. Where he didn't have to see his tears.
"I don't love you anymore."
Changmin still wonders how someone could be so heartless.
Yunho kicked him out three weeks ago.
Jaejoong told him he could stay there as long as he wants.
And Changmin can't find any of the letters he's written. He looks in the drawers, opens shoe boxes, ransacks his entire room for them.
He's on his bed, surrounded by his own mess when Jaejoong opens the door and he knows he knows.
His eyes are red and tears stain his devastated face. "You shouldn't have done it," he cries and moves away when Jaejoong tries to hug him.
"It's unhealthy, Changmin, please, you have to understand. I had to," he comforts and finally manages to wrap his arms around his shaking body.
He cries harder and clutches onto Jaejoong desperately. "When is it going to stop?"
"I don't know," Jaejoong whispers and runs his hands up and down his back.
Changmin tries to stop crying but he just can't seem too. "I just want it to stop."
Yoochun starts to stay over more often. Changmin thinks Jaejoong can't handle the burden of his broken heart so he needs reinforcements.
Yoochun is a beautiful assortment of pain. He understands. He can help.
Sometimes Yoochun sleeps with him, holds him when the tears come and soothes him when he thinks he can't handle it anymore. It's not that Jaejoong can't help, it's that Yoochun does it better.
He lets him write letters to Yunho, watches in silence and when he's done, his emotions on a piece of paper he can't keep inside, Yoochun hands him a lighter.
"Now burn it," he tells him and Changmin looks up at him a little devastated.
When he can't, Yoochun slides the notebook from his fingers, rips the page out and lights it on fire.
"The longer you hold on to it, the harder it'll be to let go," Yoochun says.
Together they watch it burn and Yoochun holds his hands so he won't stop it.
The wind is cold, blowing icily around his shoulders as Changmin gazes over the edge into the city below.
"If you're thinking of jumping, don't."
He turns around and Yoochun is smiling faintly behind him, walking over with two cups of coffee.
Sometimes he thinks about it.
"Besides, I'd be forced to go after you and there's no sense in both of us dying, right?" he nudges his shoulders and Changmin leans against him for strength.
"It would be a shame," Changmin says and Yoochun laughs.
They stand quietly for a few more minutes until Changmin feels Yoochun's arm come around him and steer him away.
"Come on, Jaejoong's making dinner," he says and Changmin takes one last look behind him as Yoochun leads him back to safety.
Yunho kicked him out a month ago.
Jaejoong helps Changmin box up all of Yunho's things.
"What about this?" he asks, holding up a picture of the two of them at Haeundae Beach.
Changmin looks at it for a second and forces the memories away before he starts to suffer more. "Yes. Everything," he turns back around and grabs the gray dress shirt from the bed. He holds it for a moment and smells it, inhales deeply into his lungs before he throws it into the box with the other things.
"I think that's it," Jaejoong walks to the bed with treasures he needs to bury.
Changmin feels like his room is empty now. Sucked dry.
"One more thing," he says and pulls his shirt off, the one with the hole under the arm and with it goes the rest of his memories, wiping him clean, starting anew. It's the hardest thing he's had to do.
The shirt feels so warm in his hands, consumed with a love that was lost long ago. He feels emotion rush to his eyes and he lets them fall as he hugs the shirt against his chest one final time. When he tosses it into the box he makes sure to tape it shut tightly.
"That’s it," Changmin says when they're sitting on the floor, brown boxes around them; Jaejoong looks proud of him and his happy smile is the most comforting feeling he's had in a long time.
One day, he thinks, he'll feel happy again.
Secret: Every day I type you little text messages. I tell you I love you. I miss you. Have a wonderful day. But I don't send them. I know I’m not supposed to. But I hope that somehow, you know…
|Secret 02|
[Master Fic List]
Pairing: Changmin/Yunho (broken), JaeChun BFF-ery
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summery: Changmin wants to be happy.
A/N This is a series comprised of secrets. A collection of disjointed stories that have nothing in common but the fact that they all share a secret.
Yunho kicked him out a week ago.
Jaejoong was nice enough to let him stay at his place while he looked for another apartment, one he would be sharing with only himself as company.
He hasn't lived alone in almost three years.
"You really need to stop," Jaejoong sets a cup of coffee down in front of him and Changmin looks up from the letter he's writing. Jaejoong is looking at him the same way he does every day, with sorrow. It's written across his face like the ink still drying on his paper. "It's over, Changmin. You need to let it go."
He knows he should, he knows he has too, but he can't.
He. Can't.
Not when he sees Yunho at work every day, laughing, talking, flirting with everyone right in front of him. It's like he's washed everything away, dirt from his heart and it's clean again, brand new and Changmin means nothing.
It's not so easy for him to stop something he feels every morning he wakes up, something he wants every night he goes to sleep.
He doesn't work like that. He never has.
Everything reminds him of Yunho.
It's not so easy to erase that as if it were a mistake to be rewritten. Even the cup of coffee that's sitting so innocently in front of him is an identical twin to the cup he gave Yunho for Christmas one year.
Jaejoong sits and sips his coffee and Changmin continues to write. "What are you writing?"
"A letter," he answers quickly and finishes his sentence.
Do you remember when we went to the river? You told me you loved me.
"To whom?" he inquires, though Changmin knows he's very much aware of the answer while he continues to write.
I sleep in your shirt, the one with the hole under the arm. It smells like you and helps me sleep easier. How do you sleep at night?
"Yunho," Changmin answers and sets the pen down, note pad aside and when Jaejoong reaches to steal it away he grabs it quickly and presses it against his chest. "I know you're trying to help me, I'm grateful for it," he glares into his eyes, "but you don't understand what it's like. What I'm feeling right now," he tells him and stands up, keeping the notebook against his heart and taking the cup of coffee with his free hand. "Thanks for the coffee," he mutters and leaves for his room.
Changmin can feel Jaejoong, with the same look on his face, the way he looks at him every day, watching him until the door closes with a quiet click.
I love you
Changmin sets his contact and stares at the black text that shines against his pillow.
After a second he closes his phone when his eyes burn too much and he can't see anything more but wavering words that mean nothing to him, but everything to Changmin.
"Jaejoong's worried you're depressed," Yoochun settles beside him in the booth. A man with several lip piercing on his face walks up to them and Yoochun orders two beers. Changmin pulls out his phone to see if anyone's called, more specifically if he has called.
But he hasn't.
And probably won't.
"Does that mean I should be worried too?" Yoochun asks, tugging the phone from Changmin's hand.
Changmin lowers his head to the sticky table and sighs. "Jaejoong is suffocating me," he groans and suddenly feels the gentle stroke of fingers along his hair, cool and comforting.
"Jaejoong just wants you to get back to being yourself. He doesn't understand," he comforts and Changmin sits up, Yoochun's hand falling from his hair to rest against his neck. He gives it a loving squeeze that doesn't help, but the effort is appreciated. "He's dead inside remember?" and Yoochun laughs.
Changmin sometimes wishes he could be dead inside too.
"I still think about him, all the time, Yoochun. I think," he starts to play with the knife on the table, running his finger along the dull edge; for a moment he wishes it were just a little sharper. "I think I'm going crazy," he presses against it hard.
No one knows he likes to sit on the rooftop by himself.
He remembers the first time he brought Yunho with him, the wind, vicious in the air and Yunho laughed when Changmin almost got carried away from the ledge and he wrapped his arms around him, hugging him close.
"I'll always catch you," he whispered deeply before kissing him and the wind seemed to stop.
Changmin reads his letters when Jaejoong is out with Yoochun. They're scattered around him in a protective circle, letters of devotion, letters of love, letters of hope.
I'd forgive you, if only you'd ask.
Changmin touches the white paper with his finger tips reverently.
I still hope one day you'll call me and want me to come back.
He grabs another.
I saw you at our favorite restaurant. You were with someone else and you looked happy. Do you know it breaks my heart that you don't care anymore?
He doesn't feel the tears that start to make the ink bleed.
When the door opens his face is pressed into his knees and someone's arms are around him. He wants it to be Yunho.
"Fuck," he hears Yoochun whisper.
He cries harder when he see's Jaejoong's face instead.
I miss you
Yunho kicked him out two weeks ago.
Jaejoong doesn't ask him if he's found another apartment.
He quit his job and he hasn't seen Yunho since.
Have a wonderful day
He reads it over and over again. When it stops making sense he closes his phone and throws it against the wall.
"I think we should go out tonight," Jaejoong settles next to him on the couch and Changmin turns from the black television screen he's been staring into for the last hour. "Yoochun found this great bar." Changmin turns back to the black screen then feels Jaejoong's warm hand grasp his desperately. "Please, Changmin," he begs softly and Changmin tells himself to breathe.
He looks at Jaejoong; he doesn't remember when he started looking so tired. Knows it's his fault. And for that reason, for the shame that sweeps over him in silent apology, he agrees.
"You are not wearing that," Jaejoong tells him the moment Changmin steps out. He looks down at himself curiously then at Yoochun who's gone a little pale.
"Changmin, you've got to be kidding me," he jumps from the bar stool and walks over to him.
Changmin thinks he looks great. Better than ever.
"What's wrong with this?" he ask genuinely confused but Jaejoong's looking at him like he wants to hit him, shake him, knock sense that's been long overdue back into him.
Yoochun holds his hand up in Jaejoong's direction to stop him from advancing any further. "This is kind of sick," he tells him and Changmin knows it was meant to be heard by him. He leads him back into his room and closes the door behind him.
Changmin stands in the center of his room, smoothing down the gray shirt. When his fingers run over the fabric it makes his body tingle and in a second he's lost in himself.
"That's why you can't wear that," Yoochun steals into his thoughts and he opens his eyes, Yoochun looks sad and full of understanding. "You can't wear his clothes, Changmin."
His mouth dries. "I love this shirt," he adjusts the collar and glances in the mirror. He see's Yunho staring back at him and his heart flutters.
"Yeah," Yoochun bites his lip and moves in, blocking Yunho's image. "You've got to change your shirt," he tugs him towards the closet and turns on the light, takes a quick inventory glance at him, "and the belt, god are those his socks?"
When they come out of the bedroom Jaejoong is already drinking, there's a half empty bottles of Soju, a full shot glass to his mouth. He looks Changmin over and knocks the drink back in one fluid motion. "Better," he wheezes and sets the glass down quickly. "Let's go."
Changmin hangs his head as Yoochun leads him out the door. "You look great," he affirms and grabs his hand tightly.
Changmin thinks he looks terrible. When Jaejoong wraps his arm around his neck, he feels cold.
The bar is in fact great, lots of people are drinking, having fun. Jaejoong's unbuttoned his shirt a little to relieve the heat of the atmosphere and Yoochun's coat is handing along the chair. They have too many empty bottles on the table and Changmin wants to pass out. It's been drink after drink after drink after… he doesn't know how many he's had but it's a lot.
They're trying to drown his sorrows with alcohol.
It doesn't seem to be working.
Changmin remembers drunken nights, the excitement of going out, having fun, drinking till it seemed completely appropriate to fondle Yunho in front of everyone. Remembers the time they were kicked out for lewd behavior and ran from the cops when someone caught them having sex by the dumpster.
When he remembers the burn in his eyes intensifies and he grabs another shot glass filled to the brim with tequila in hopes to make it go away.
The way Jaejoong touches his hair he thinks of Yunho and he lets out a strangled cry that makes both he and Yoochun jump.
"Move," Changmin shoves Yoochun from the booth, "move," he burps and feels the liquor in his stomach jolt violently.
Yoochun scurries out quickly and Changmin almost falls when he gets to his feet.
"You ok?" Jaejoong turns concerned and Yoochun holds his elbow while Changmin feels the sick slowly rising into his throat. He covers his mouth.
"Shit, I think he's gonna blow," Yoochun pulls his hand away and Changmin rushes off, too intent on finding the bathroom to apologize to everyone he's shoved, pushed and bumped into on his way.
When he actually finds himself an empty stall and he's kneeling over the toilet, glad it's clean, nothing comes out. He waits for a few moments, just in case. Instead he burps, loudly and the feeling is gone.
On shaky legs he opens the door and wobbles towards the sink. He holds himself up when the room starts to spin in dizzy circles around him and flips on the water, leaning down to wet his face. It feels soothing against his flushed skin.
When he looks in the mirror, he doesn't recognize himself.
Jaejoong made him cut his hair to clean the slate. Yoochun bought him new earrings so he wouldn't have to wear the only other pair he had, a gift from Yunho the first year that marked their relationship.
His eyes are empty, lifeless, cold and he wonders if they'll ever shine they way they used to when he looked at him.
Or if he'll ever be happy again.
As Changmin manages to walk back to the table Yoochun and Jaejoong hand him another drink.
"Just drink it," Jaejoong insists and together all three of them down the shot which leaves a burning trail down his throat into his stomach, he almost wishes it would burn into his heart.
Changmin can hardly see straight; he thinks his feet have forgotten how to work and Yoochun and Jaejoong have one of his arms thrown over their shoulders as they lead him out. It's difficult with all the people trying to get in, but they somehow manage and the cold air hits him like a slap in the face. Changmin groans and his head flops backwards in agony. He feels like he's on a tilt and whirl and it's never going to stop.
"Maybe we went a little overboard," Yoochun laughs a little and Jaejoong snorts, pressing close as a row of girls walk past them.
Changmin just want to go home already but they stop walking and he hears Yoochun whisper beside him.
"Fuck."
"What?" Changmin lifts his head and opens his eyes.
And he sees him.
Yunho.
Who looks amazing dressed all in black.
His smile falls when their eyes lock.
"Shit, Changmin," Jaejoong holds him when he starts to sink down.
His heart is dying again.
A serrated knife slicing layer by layer, starting from the top working until there's nothing left.
He was smiling.
He was laughing.
He was holding another guy's hand.
Before the tears fall Changmin folds over and empties his stomach on the ground.
Yunho told him in a restaurant, where he couldn't make a scene, where he was forced to remain calm. Where he didn't have to see his tears.
"I don't love you anymore."
Changmin still wonders how someone could be so heartless.
Yunho kicked him out three weeks ago.
Jaejoong told him he could stay there as long as he wants.
And Changmin can't find any of the letters he's written. He looks in the drawers, opens shoe boxes, ransacks his entire room for them.
He's on his bed, surrounded by his own mess when Jaejoong opens the door and he knows he knows.
His eyes are red and tears stain his devastated face. "You shouldn't have done it," he cries and moves away when Jaejoong tries to hug him.
"It's unhealthy, Changmin, please, you have to understand. I had to," he comforts and finally manages to wrap his arms around his shaking body.
He cries harder and clutches onto Jaejoong desperately. "When is it going to stop?"
"I don't know," Jaejoong whispers and runs his hands up and down his back.
Changmin tries to stop crying but he just can't seem too. "I just want it to stop."
Yoochun starts to stay over more often. Changmin thinks Jaejoong can't handle the burden of his broken heart so he needs reinforcements.
Yoochun is a beautiful assortment of pain. He understands. He can help.
Sometimes Yoochun sleeps with him, holds him when the tears come and soothes him when he thinks he can't handle it anymore. It's not that Jaejoong can't help, it's that Yoochun does it better.
He lets him write letters to Yunho, watches in silence and when he's done, his emotions on a piece of paper he can't keep inside, Yoochun hands him a lighter.
"Now burn it," he tells him and Changmin looks up at him a little devastated.
When he can't, Yoochun slides the notebook from his fingers, rips the page out and lights it on fire.
"The longer you hold on to it, the harder it'll be to let go," Yoochun says.
Together they watch it burn and Yoochun holds his hands so he won't stop it.
The wind is cold, blowing icily around his shoulders as Changmin gazes over the edge into the city below.
"If you're thinking of jumping, don't."
He turns around and Yoochun is smiling faintly behind him, walking over with two cups of coffee.
Sometimes he thinks about it.
"Besides, I'd be forced to go after you and there's no sense in both of us dying, right?" he nudges his shoulders and Changmin leans against him for strength.
"It would be a shame," Changmin says and Yoochun laughs.
They stand quietly for a few more minutes until Changmin feels Yoochun's arm come around him and steer him away.
"Come on, Jaejoong's making dinner," he says and Changmin takes one last look behind him as Yoochun leads him back to safety.
Yunho kicked him out a month ago.
Jaejoong helps Changmin box up all of Yunho's things.
"What about this?" he asks, holding up a picture of the two of them at Haeundae Beach.
Changmin looks at it for a second and forces the memories away before he starts to suffer more. "Yes. Everything," he turns back around and grabs the gray dress shirt from the bed. He holds it for a moment and smells it, inhales deeply into his lungs before he throws it into the box with the other things.
"I think that's it," Jaejoong walks to the bed with treasures he needs to bury.
Changmin feels like his room is empty now. Sucked dry.
"One more thing," he says and pulls his shirt off, the one with the hole under the arm and with it goes the rest of his memories, wiping him clean, starting anew. It's the hardest thing he's had to do.
The shirt feels so warm in his hands, consumed with a love that was lost long ago. He feels emotion rush to his eyes and he lets them fall as he hugs the shirt against his chest one final time. When he tosses it into the box he makes sure to tape it shut tightly.
"That’s it," Changmin says when they're sitting on the floor, brown boxes around them; Jaejoong looks proud of him and his happy smile is the most comforting feeling he's had in a long time.
One day, he thinks, he'll feel happy again.
Secret: Every day I type you little text messages. I tell you I love you. I miss you. Have a wonderful day. But I don't send them. I know I’m not supposed to. But I hope that somehow, you know…
|Secret 02|
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