[Series] Secret Ramblings - Secret 02
Title: Secret Ramblings
Pairing: Changmin/Yoochun, Jaejoong/Yoochun
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: R
Summery: Changmin is Selfish.
A/N This is a series comprised of secrets. A collection of disjointed stories that have nothing in common but the fact that they all share a secret.
(He didn't want to.
But I'm selfish.
You made him sound like he was perfect.)
"What are you doing?" Yoochun gasps when he feels a hand inching closer to his zipper. He grabs it roughly but doesn't move it away.
Changmin grins, filled with satisfaction and he kisses him, hard, crushing their lips together and it doesn't take long before he responds, hot and heavy, their tongues twisted in wonton desire.
"I shouldn't be doing this," Yoochun gasps when he breaks away and Changmin's nimble fingers undo the button of his jeans.
"You want to, I know you do," he stares into his eyes, dripping with lust and knows the truthful answer, it's so clear, it's real, it's what he's wanted for so long. "We don't have to tell him," he promises and slowly lowers the zipper.
Yoochun kisses him again, urgently, grasping his hair, curling his fingers so tight it may pull from his scalp and Changmin plunges his hand in, touching him slowly, enticingly, until Yoochun bucks against his palm in need.
"Fuck," he whimpers and Changmin moves him to the bed, carrying him with legs wound tightly around his center, his arousal pushed against his stomach and Changmin craves to taste him. "Don't make me wait," he pleads when he's lying on his back and Changmin between his legs, moving painstakingly slow against him.
"Tell me you want me," he licks into Yoochun's mouth slowly, bites down on his lip, buries his hand between them and squeezes hard enough to elicit a breathy gasp.
Yoochun's eyes are dark, heady in their desire and he digs his hand into Changmin's shoulders, nearly tearing through the skin. "I want you," he writhes beautifully under him and kisses him again, like he never wants to breathe.
"Fuck," Yoochun cries out, biting down on the pillow but his breathing is too loud, his wails like explosions and when Changmin pushes into him again and again, hitting. That. Spot. He sees stars sparkling behind his eyes. "Please, Changmin," he begs loudly, grasping for him, wanting him, finding him in the throes of euphoria when he's thrust in to the tilt. "Oh, God. Fuck," he yells and pulls Changmin up to him, sweat drops stinging his eyes, his hair a damp curtain around his face. He kisses him, wants to taste him and Changmin smiles when he reaches that spot again and Yoochun cries out. "Again," he begs tearfully and breathes into his neck, moving together holding him tightly.
"Do you want to come?" Changmin asks deeply, licking Yoochun's neck and when he answers it's eager and he feels his nails scrape his back.
Changmin grabs him, pumps him slowly, prolonging the pleasure, working him until he wants to lose his mind.
Changmin walks out of the bathroom and Yoochun is on the bed, his head down, like he's ashamed and it almost stops his heart when he thinks regret may jeopardize future encounters.
"Are you ok?" he asks softly and takes a seat beside him, touching the damp hair that curls around his ears. He kisses his neck and when Yoochun responds with a soft hum he doesn't feel like he has to worry.
"We shouldn't have done that," Yoochun turns his head and his eyes have lost some light, it almost makes Changmin's heart hurt if he wasn't thinking of throwing him back on the bed to fuck the guilt away. Instead he grabs his shirt and pulls him in until they're kissing and Yoochun doesn't stop him, holds him close, opens his mouth to let him in, curls his fingers into his neck.
Changmin smiles against his mouth and pulls away, watching his eyes open with fluttering eyelashes. "It doesn't have to happen again," he tells him and Yoochun nods. "Unless," he runs his fingertips against Yoochun's cheeks, allows his thumb to slide against the soft bottom lip that's still swollen, "you want too." And Yoochun nods again.
When Changmin walks him to the door he's holding Yoochun's hand and it feels warm and safe.
It feels right.
He doesn't want to let it go but he knows he has to and when Yoochun's phone rings he knows he does.
"I'll call you," Yoochun smiles, holding the ringing cell in his hand and Changmin knows he won't. But when he kisses him in the doorway and it's natural and feels so good, he thinks, maybe he means it.
(I know I should feel guilty when I look at you.
Sometimes I do.
But most of the time I don't, because it's not fair you've found him before I could.)
Jaejoong looks radiant in his dark blue dress shirt and he's excited, far more than usual. "I got flowers today at the office," he tells Changmin with a smile so bright it's blinding behind his soft chocolate eyes. "I understand now what the big deal is," he laughs happily.
Changmin smiles for him and hands him a glass of wine, watches as he drinks it eagerly before setting it down on the coffee table. "Must be nice," he tells him and hopes the sarcasm is hidden behind his smile.
Jaejoong doesn't seem to catch it because his smile is still on his face. "Changmin, I swear, I'm going to set you up," he says with a plotting air and looks at him a little sad around the corners of his mouth. "You deserve to be happy too," he frowns suddenly and Changmin brushes it away with his fingers.
"I'm happy with the way things are now," he promises and looks at the clock. "We should be going," he announces and sets his own glass beside Jaejoong's. Jaejoong nods and checks his cell phone briefly before putting on his jacket.
"Yoochun's supposed to meet us at the restaurant," he says while texting and Changmin leads him out the apartment. "Maybe Yoochun knows someone he could introduce you too."
Changmin keeps his eyes on the steel doors that lock them in the elevator. "Jaejoong, if I want to be set up, I'd ask," he looks at him with an easy smile and Jaejoong wraps his arm around his shoulders. It feels heavy around over his skin.
(Sometimes when I look at him, I see you.
When I kiss him, I wonder if this is what it feels like to kiss you.
It's not so bad because after a while, I forget about you and it's just me and him.)
Yoochun groans when Changmin pins him against the brick wall, outside the club, slides his leg between Yoochun's and applies the right amount of pressure to make him bite his lip in the way that gets Changmin hard.
"You're fucking crazy," he laughs and bites at Changmin's neck gently, never hard, never to leave a mark. "We're going to get caught if you keep this up," he groans a little when Changmin shifts his knee just perfectly enough to heat him up.
"He thinks you're having a cigarette and I'm getting drinks at the bar," he whispers and touches him intimately, holding him hot in his hands, rubbing him perfectly to get him there.
When Yoochun shudders so close Changmin lets him go and grins at the desperately haunted look in his eyes of dissatisfaction. "You're such a fucking slut," he whispers and rubs over Yoochun's leather pants swiftly enough to make him come in a gasping moan he hides behind his kiss. "I'm going in," he removes his hand and is thankful for the darkness that hides his assault. "Have a smoke," he laughs deep in his throat and kisses him one more time, "You deserve it."
Then he leaves him.
Jaejoong is sitting in the booth and looks relived when Changmin walks over with two shots in his hand. "You didn't see Yoochun did you?" He asks and takes his drink gratefully, downing it in one fast swallow.
Changmin wonders if he was one of the few bred to not feel guilt. Instead his mind flashes to Yoochun pressed against the wall, whimpering against him, wanting him, his eyes begging for release and he feels a tightness in his pants no one can see. "No," Changmin answers and takes a sip of the alcohol before throwing it into his throat and feeling the pleasant burn as it slides down. "Has he been gone long?" he asks casually and reaches out wrapping his arm around Jaejoong's shoulders, gaining a shy smile. "You look great tonight," he compliments and Jaejoong laughs behind his hand.
"So do you," he responds and his eyes brighten when Yoochun appears, properly sated and glorious. Changmin watches him slide in beside Jaejoong, watches as he kisses him. Watches as Yoochun's eyes open and stare right at him.
Jaejoong asks Changmin to dance, not before making sure it's ok with Yoochun. When he gives his approval Jaejoong holds his hand and leads him to the dance floor. The music pulses and the rhythm flows seducingly around them as Jaejoong pulls him against his body and dances far too close.
"I worry about you sometimes," he says over the music, into his ear, his hands holding his hips while they sway and Changmin allows himself an indulgent laugh.
"You don't need to worry about me, Jaejoong," he flips and whips Jaejoong around, pressing him close to his chest, his ass gyrating innocently against his groin. "I'm glad you're happy, that's all I've ever wanted," he whispers into his ear and kisses his neck.
If the lights were on, Changmin knows Jaejoong would be blushing by the way he ducks his head and pulls his arms around him. "I want the same for you," he says and Changmin pulls his hands away, taking a solid grip on Jaejoong's hips.
"I am happy," Changmin tells him and rolls his hips to the beat.
Over Jaejoong's shoulder he locks eyes with him and when he knows he's got him, he smirks.
(I never said I was a saint.
I was born to make mistakes.
But when I introduced you to him, I knew you'd fall hard and I think I sealed my fate in hell)
Changmin fusses over Yunho's clothing. "You can't meet my friends looking like that!" he frowns and grabs him, pulling him into the bedroom in frustration.
Yunho trips over his own clumsy feet and steadies himself against the wall when Changmin starts pulling articles of clothing out of his closet. He throws them on the bed messily and then grabs a few pairs of shoes.
"I thought he was your best friend," Yunho crosses his arms over his chest, watching him and Changmin hesitates for a moment.
"He is my best friend," he responds and starts assorting various outfits for Yunho to change into, he particularly likes the dark wash jeans and charcoal v-neck sweater. "Here, try this on," he tosses the clothes and leaves Yunho in the room to change.
Changmin's hears a text come to his phone and pulls it out of his pocket. Where you at? Yoochun's in line, we're getting a table for four, right?"
Changmin responds quickly and looks at the clock. "Shit," they're running so late. "Yunho!" he yells and is about to open the door when it comes flying open on it's own and Yunho's standing in the doorway in his clothes, possibly looking far better in them than he does. "Fuck," he says and Yunho laughs a little.
On their way out Changmin holds his hand and rushes him to the car.
"One more time, we're acting like a couple right?" Changmin nods, accelerating, and speeds down the street. "And kissing is involved?" he makes sure his seatbelt is fastened properly with the way Changmin is whipping around corners.
Again, Changmin nods. "A lot of it, we have to act like we're dating," he reminds him and slams on the breaks when the light turns red a little too fast sending them crashing forward painfully abrupt. He looks over at Yunho. "You're not weirded out are you?" he asks suddenly quite aware of the fact that he's asked a friend who he hasn't seen in years to pretend to be his potential boyfriend.
Yunho scratches his neck slowly, "Pretending to like you so you can make someone else jealous and possibly introducing me to the love of my life?" Changmin worries but when he smiles he feels relieved. "Sounds like old times," he laughs and grips the handle for dear life when Changmin speeds down the street.
"How come I've never been introduced to you before?" Jaejoong asks a little suspicious when Yunho tells him about his history with Changmin.
Changmin loves that he's cool under pressure, it's always been a great characteristic of his and a part of him thinks it's one of the best things he's learned from Yunho. "I'm out of town a lot," Yunho smiles with ease and he's charismatic with dancing eyes that make the hardest of stone just a little softer. He knows it's working when Jaejoong smiles a little too kindly at Yunho. "Actually, I haven't seen Changmin in years but a few weeks ago we ran into each other at a business convention and well," he slides his arm around his shoulder like a master and Changmin finds himself almost in awe of his capabilities, "it felt like old times, right?" Yunho glances over at him and Changmin flushes under the restaurant lights.
He grins despite himself, "That's right," he drinks from his water and notices that Yoochun is glaring right at him. He feels his heart dance in his chest and bites his lip to stop the smile.
"A business meeting? So you you're in the fashion industry too?" Jaejoong asks and looks enthralled almost immediately. Yunho squeezes Changmin's shoulder and slides it back down onto the table, clasping his fingers around his drink.
"You could say that. I own a design company that works with Changmin's company. We handle a lot of their marketing schemes, it's all very boring," he laughs after a while and Changmin knows Jaejoong is anything but bored.
"No, it's all very fascinating," he takes a drink and looks over briefly at Yoochun before turning his eyes back to Yunho. "You seem really young to own your company," he says after a few moments and Yunho smiles effortlessly with grace.
"I've worked very hard," he nods and leans in, kissing Changmin's neck by surprise. Changmin notices Yoochun's fingers tightening around his beer bottle. "Thanks to Changmin, it's been a lot easier. He really helped me out when I was practically killing myself in school, was there when I was unhappy with just being another guy in a cubical," he runs his hand across Changmin's cheek and Changmin blushes. "I'm just glad after all this time, we're able to pick up where we left off," he sighs contently and Changmin can see Jaejoong's eyes practically glowing with affection.
"Yeah, it's about time for another drink," Yoochun speaks out suddenly and slaps his hand down on the table in loud intrusion. Everyone looks at him. He looks ripe with agitation and Changmin gives Yunho a subtle nod. "Jaejoong, you want anything?" Jaejoong shakes his head and pats Yunho's hand to get his attention before rambling off about something that has to do with marketing he's been interested in.
With the two of them in conversation it leaves Changmin and Yoochun looking at each other. "Bathroom, now," he mouths and gets up abruptly, unnoticed and after a while Changmin slides away.
He sees him walk in the direction of the bathroom and before he makes his way in he looks over at their table and Jaejoong and Yunho look so consumed in their conversation he's almost certain they haven't even realized they've both left.
It hits him, just for a moment, a tiny second, that he's playing with the devil and he asks for forgiveness but when he walks into the bathroom and a hand pulls him into a stall, Yoochun's eyes deadly in sin, he feels a little proud.
He ravishes his mouth in dirty assault and rips the top buttons of Changmin's shirt open.
"I don't appreciate being ignored," Yoochun growls and bites Changmin's jaw angrily, he licks it to soothe the pain away and Changmin melts against the bathroom stall. "You're doing it on purpose," he glares into his eyes with heat that leave Changmin a little breathless.
"Maybe I am," he shifts and his words fail him when Yoochun presses his hard on against his hip while his hand locks the door.
"You should be punished for fucking with me like that," he sucks on his neck painfully and Changmin gasps, eyes slammed shut. "Now Jaejoong won't wonder if he sees it," he pulls away and looks at the mark he leaves, a branding on his neck he thinks will definitely be visible.
Changmin feels the heat rise, course through his veins in thirst. "Punish me," he begs.
As he watches Yoochun slide to his knees, nimble fingers fast, mouth hot and wet around him, he throws his head back and ignores the dull throb in his ears at the impact.
(If you saw us, you'd think it was just sex. If you saw us, you'd think there was no love.
But you don't see us, so you don't know.
But I do and I know the truth.)
Changmin tilts Yoochun's head to the side and lets his sudsy fingers weave ribbons into a rich lather through his dark ebony hair. He massages his scalp and smiles when Yoochun's head falls back against his chest and he closes his eyes, a gentle smile on his lips.
"This is nice," he murmurs and his hands splash a little into the water before he settles comfortably against Changmin's chest.
"Sit up," he instructs and reaches for the bowl, dipping water in. He holds his other hand at Yoochun's brow and lets the water flow through his hair, bubbles and soap falling elegantly into the warm bath. Changmin runs his fingers into Yoochun's hair to make sure all the shampoo is out before pulling him back against his chest.
Yoochun shifts around for a few second and sighs, "Sometimes I wonder if Jaejoong knows," he speaks softly and slants his face up, his eyes just a little worried. Changmin grabs the sponge from the corner and dunks into the warm water.
"Would it bother you if he did?" Changmin asks as he makes soft strokes against Yoochun's porcelain skin, watches the water as it makes small rivers against his chest, he traces a, invisible heart around his bellybutton and sweeps it away before Yoochun can make a comment. He wonders if Yoochun's answer will be the one he wants to hear. If it's not, Changmin doesn't know how he'll handle it.
"Changmin," Yoochun sighs with a tired sigh that makes Changmin's heart just a little weak. "I'm with Jaejoong," he says and Changmin's hand stills for a moment.
Changmin closes his eyes and tries to not hurt because he knows. He's known for years.
"I just don't want to hurt him," Yoochun grabs Changmin's hand into his and they watch together as they intertwine into a perfect fit. Yoochun holds it tightly, turns their hands around and finally brings them to his soft lips and kisses them, "but I don't want to stop seeing you," he whispers and Changmin leans in, kissing his temple.
For a moment he wonders if he should tell Yoochun Jaejoong talks about Yunho every time he sees him.
Or that he thinks if he isn't cheating on Yoochun now, he soon will be.
Yoochun purrs a little while Changmin rubs the towel over his hair, ruffling his damp locks. When he brushes the towel away Yoochun grins up at him under the messy array of hair and Changmin pulls him to his feet.
"How much longer do we have?" Changmin asks, hands falling to the knot on Yoochun's robe. He gives it a little tug and Yoochun chuckles.
"Not long," he murmurs and folds Changmin around his arms, kissing his neck, running his hands through his hair, down his chest, until he opens Changmin's robe and takes him in his hand.
Changmin's breath sears past his lips and his mouth falls open. "That gives us plenty of time," he smiles as they stumble into the bedroom.
(Sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror.
It's because of me you're hurting.
And you don't even know I'm sleeping with Yoochun)
Changmin opens the door before Jaejoong flies through. He's shaking, his eyes are glassy from spilled tears and he clings onto Changmin with far more strength one should possess.
"I'm a terrible person," he whispers brokenly between shuddery breaths. Changmin holds him, runs his fingers through his hair and shushes the quiet sobs that seep pained tears into his shoulder.
"No, you're not," Changmin soothes, pulling him away, wiping his eyes, kissing his mouth gently, hoping his own guilt won't spill through. Sometimes he feels guilt too.
Jaejoong smiles thankfully and moves away, walking to the couch with burdened shoulders and curls himself into a fetal position. "He's going to hate me," he whimpers softly, grabbing a pillow to hide his shame and Changmin sits beside him rubbing his back. "You might kill me."
"Jaejoong, what's going on?" he asks, but he already has a feeling he knows.
Jaejoong tries to even his breath, calm himself down, but when he looks at Changmin his eyes leak of crystal tears and he looks pained.
"I slept with Yunho," he confesses and buries his face in the pillow.
He knew it. He knew the moment Jaejoong called him, hearing the shame in his voice, the adultery dripping in his tone and although he thinks he should be happy, his heart should be soaring with triumph. Because he's won.
It doesn't.
Because Jaejoong is his best friend. And Jaejoong loves Yoochun.
"I’m so sorry Changmin, I didn't mean for it to happen. I'm a terrible best friend," he cries and throws himself in Changmin's arms, holding him tight. "Please don't hate me," he begs.
And because he forgot about Yunho and their fake relationship he holds him close.
"I don't hate you, Jaejoong," he whispers calmly, far too calm for someone who's just been told his best friend has slept with his supposed boyfriend.
He wonders if it would be this easy when he tells him.
He doesn't think so.
"I'm sorry," he whispers and Changmin pulls him closer.
"It's okay," he mummers, "I didn't like him that much anyway," he says.
And Jaejoong cries harder.
(Sometimes I want to tell you.
But I know you'll be devastated.
And I'm not ready to lose my best friend)
He's had far too much to drink.
And everything is kind of moving in a dizzy frenzy that makes him struggle to see clearly. Jaejoong looks like a happy blur in front of his eyes and when he falls back against the bed he laughs a little too manically.
"You are too wasted," Jaejoong chuckles and rubs Changmin's stomach, who jerks and twitches at the touch. After a few more seconds he sighs and Changmin hasn't the energy to lift his head so he rolls his body in a direction he can see him.
Jaejoong looks thoughtful, his dark hair mussed, cheeks flushed with alcohol and Changmin grabs his hand and holds him tightly. "Changmin, we haven't-" he bites his lip tenderly; "we haven't really talked about, Yunho."
Changmin hopes his face is as puzzled as he thinks it may be. "I know what?" he asks confused and laughs when Jaejoong's mouth falls open.
"Changmin," he shakes him a little then helps him up. "Yunho, you know the guy you've been dating? The one I-" he flushes in guilt and Changmin sees his eyes fall down behind his blurred vision.
"Oh," he frowns and his buzz hits him with a bad twist of his gut. "Jaejoong, don't talk about that."
He shakes his head and sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "We have to. You're my best friend, Changmin, I betrayed you," he says and watches with wide eyes as Changmin rolls over and onto his feet.
He's feeling sick and the room tilts a little too far with a loud rush to head. "No," he says trying to clear his vision, "don't," he shakes his hand and stumbles towards the bathroom and shuts the door behind him with a slam.
Inside he slides to the ground and hits his head against the hard wood. He can't let Jaejoong feel guilty.
"Goddamnit, you son of a bitch," he groans and crawls to the sink, turning on the water. He lays his face on the granite for a moment, breathing roughly.
He needs to tell him.
Changmin pulls himself up and slaps water over his face. Looks in the mirror.
He's finally knowing what guilt feels like.
And it makes him look terrible.
He has to tell him.
End it all.
Let him know it's okay.
Changmin turns the water off slowly and tries his best to walk steadily back to the door but his legs are shaky and he knows it's not because of the alcohol.
He holds the doorknob in his hand, feels the cool metal soothe his skin and after a moment turns it.
Jaejoong looks distressed when he sees him sitting on the bed and his eyes are a little glassy.
He gathers his courage. "Jaejoong, Yoochun and I-" he starts.
And Jaejoong looks like he may cry. "What, Changmin?"
Be strong.
"Yoochun and I, we-"
But now he is crying and it's beautiful when he weeps.
It leaves him with a rush of air and he walks unsteadily back to the bed, sitting beside his best friend, grabbing his hand.
"Yoochun and I, we forgive you," he says and touches his face, catching his falling emotion.
"Changmin, I'm sorry," he breaks and hugs him close.
Changmin is drunk and drunk people tell the truth, but he wonders why he can't.
"It's okay," he promises and holds him close. "We'll all be ok."
Yoochun kisses his eyes, his nose, his cheek, the corner of his mouth.
Changmin sighs happily and smiles, laughs when he touches him dirtily between his legs. "Stop that," he groans when Yoochun's hands fall on his zipper.
"Stop me," he chuckles and lowers it slowly before his hand slips in, under his boxers and his fingers are hot against him.
Changmin gasps. "Yoochun," he whispers and looks into his eyes.
Yoochun's hand moves slowly up and down in gentle, even strokes and Changmin shudders. "Jaejoong's in love with Yunho," he whispers and licks into Changmin's ear.
Changmin thinks his heart may stop. "What?"
And the hand stops, slides out easily and Yoochun sits up slowly.
Changmin doesn't remember how to breathe and Yoochun is looking almost accusingly at him.
"You did it on purpose," he blames and Changmin sits up, his body shaking.
"What?" he asks and moves to him but Yoochun stands up and walks away from him.
He knows what he's done.
Everyone always get's caught eventually.
Maybe now it's his turn.
And he hates the burning feeling starting in his stomach.
"Yoochun."
"You weren't dating him," Yoochun looks disappointed and Changmin turns away, lowering his head.
He's feeling it more.
The longer it goes on.
A fiery sensation.
Guilt.
"You knew Jaejoong would fall for him," he speaks steadily and he crosses his arms over his chest. "Why'd you do it?" he whispers and Changmin brings his hands to his face, rubbing them roughly to stop what he thinks may possibly be tears.
"For us," he answers but doesn't look at him.
They're quiet.
And it's deafening.
Changmin thinks his chest may explode from his trespasses.
"I love Jaejoong, Changmin," he finally says and Changmin looks at him and his vision is blurred.
He really may cry.
"I want you to love me too," he murmurs and Yoochun's eyes burn into his for a moment.
He walks back to the bed, kneels and touches Changmin's face, catches the first tear he's felt in years.
It feels painfully wonderful he's there to catch them.
"I do love you, Changmin," he whispers and kisses him softly. He runs his fingers through Changmin's hair and Changmin's hands clutch at his shirt, breathing him in, holding on just in case he'll never get to feel it again. "I should hate you," he mouths against Changmin's lips.
Changmin whimpers and holds him tighter, kissing him harder, pulling him down to the bed. "Please don't," he begs and Yoochun hands finds it's way back into his pants and he's gripping him hard, squeezing him roughly, it's fast, dirty and Changmin's toes curl, sees stars and cries out when he comes in Yoochun's hand.
"There could've been an easier way," Yoochun kisses his neck and pulls out his hand, when he licks it clean Changmin thinks he may come again just watching him.
He breathes heavily in uneven trembles, his body still tingling, his mind still a little crazy.
"If he fell in love with someone else," he rolls on top of Yoochun and pins him against the bed, his eyes wide in wonderment, "it would be easier to let you go," he confesses and kisses him deeply.
Yoochun groans and pulls away when his lungs can't bare it any longer. He grins slowly. "You're the devil, Changmin," he laughs but stops when Changmin looks serious.
"Then be my angel," he whispers with hope and kisses him again, "and save me."
(I'll tell you one day.
And you'll hate me.
But I'm selfish.
And I love him.)
Secret: I got your boyfriend to cheat on you, with me. And I know I'm supposed to be your best friend… but now he's mine and I think I could really love him someday…
|Secret 01| : |Secret 03|
[Master Fic List]
Pairing: Changmin/Yoochun, Jaejoong/Yoochun
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: R
Summery: Changmin is Selfish.
A/N This is a series comprised of secrets. A collection of disjointed stories that have nothing in common but the fact that they all share a secret.
(He didn't want to.
But I'm selfish.
You made him sound like he was perfect.)
"What are you doing?" Yoochun gasps when he feels a hand inching closer to his zipper. He grabs it roughly but doesn't move it away.
Changmin grins, filled with satisfaction and he kisses him, hard, crushing their lips together and it doesn't take long before he responds, hot and heavy, their tongues twisted in wonton desire.
"I shouldn't be doing this," Yoochun gasps when he breaks away and Changmin's nimble fingers undo the button of his jeans.
"You want to, I know you do," he stares into his eyes, dripping with lust and knows the truthful answer, it's so clear, it's real, it's what he's wanted for so long. "We don't have to tell him," he promises and slowly lowers the zipper.
Yoochun kisses him again, urgently, grasping his hair, curling his fingers so tight it may pull from his scalp and Changmin plunges his hand in, touching him slowly, enticingly, until Yoochun bucks against his palm in need.
"Fuck," he whimpers and Changmin moves him to the bed, carrying him with legs wound tightly around his center, his arousal pushed against his stomach and Changmin craves to taste him. "Don't make me wait," he pleads when he's lying on his back and Changmin between his legs, moving painstakingly slow against him.
"Tell me you want me," he licks into Yoochun's mouth slowly, bites down on his lip, buries his hand between them and squeezes hard enough to elicit a breathy gasp.
Yoochun's eyes are dark, heady in their desire and he digs his hand into Changmin's shoulders, nearly tearing through the skin. "I want you," he writhes beautifully under him and kisses him again, like he never wants to breathe.
"Fuck," Yoochun cries out, biting down on the pillow but his breathing is too loud, his wails like explosions and when Changmin pushes into him again and again, hitting. That. Spot. He sees stars sparkling behind his eyes. "Please, Changmin," he begs loudly, grasping for him, wanting him, finding him in the throes of euphoria when he's thrust in to the tilt. "Oh, God. Fuck," he yells and pulls Changmin up to him, sweat drops stinging his eyes, his hair a damp curtain around his face. He kisses him, wants to taste him and Changmin smiles when he reaches that spot again and Yoochun cries out. "Again," he begs tearfully and breathes into his neck, moving together holding him tightly.
"Do you want to come?" Changmin asks deeply, licking Yoochun's neck and when he answers it's eager and he feels his nails scrape his back.
Changmin grabs him, pumps him slowly, prolonging the pleasure, working him until he wants to lose his mind.
Changmin walks out of the bathroom and Yoochun is on the bed, his head down, like he's ashamed and it almost stops his heart when he thinks regret may jeopardize future encounters.
"Are you ok?" he asks softly and takes a seat beside him, touching the damp hair that curls around his ears. He kisses his neck and when Yoochun responds with a soft hum he doesn't feel like he has to worry.
"We shouldn't have done that," Yoochun turns his head and his eyes have lost some light, it almost makes Changmin's heart hurt if he wasn't thinking of throwing him back on the bed to fuck the guilt away. Instead he grabs his shirt and pulls him in until they're kissing and Yoochun doesn't stop him, holds him close, opens his mouth to let him in, curls his fingers into his neck.
Changmin smiles against his mouth and pulls away, watching his eyes open with fluttering eyelashes. "It doesn't have to happen again," he tells him and Yoochun nods. "Unless," he runs his fingertips against Yoochun's cheeks, allows his thumb to slide against the soft bottom lip that's still swollen, "you want too." And Yoochun nods again.
When Changmin walks him to the door he's holding Yoochun's hand and it feels warm and safe.
It feels right.
He doesn't want to let it go but he knows he has to and when Yoochun's phone rings he knows he does.
"I'll call you," Yoochun smiles, holding the ringing cell in his hand and Changmin knows he won't. But when he kisses him in the doorway and it's natural and feels so good, he thinks, maybe he means it.
(I know I should feel guilty when I look at you.
Sometimes I do.
But most of the time I don't, because it's not fair you've found him before I could.)
Jaejoong looks radiant in his dark blue dress shirt and he's excited, far more than usual. "I got flowers today at the office," he tells Changmin with a smile so bright it's blinding behind his soft chocolate eyes. "I understand now what the big deal is," he laughs happily.
Changmin smiles for him and hands him a glass of wine, watches as he drinks it eagerly before setting it down on the coffee table. "Must be nice," he tells him and hopes the sarcasm is hidden behind his smile.
Jaejoong doesn't seem to catch it because his smile is still on his face. "Changmin, I swear, I'm going to set you up," he says with a plotting air and looks at him a little sad around the corners of his mouth. "You deserve to be happy too," he frowns suddenly and Changmin brushes it away with his fingers.
"I'm happy with the way things are now," he promises and looks at the clock. "We should be going," he announces and sets his own glass beside Jaejoong's. Jaejoong nods and checks his cell phone briefly before putting on his jacket.
"Yoochun's supposed to meet us at the restaurant," he says while texting and Changmin leads him out the apartment. "Maybe Yoochun knows someone he could introduce you too."
Changmin keeps his eyes on the steel doors that lock them in the elevator. "Jaejoong, if I want to be set up, I'd ask," he looks at him with an easy smile and Jaejoong wraps his arm around his shoulders. It feels heavy around over his skin.
(Sometimes when I look at him, I see you.
When I kiss him, I wonder if this is what it feels like to kiss you.
It's not so bad because after a while, I forget about you and it's just me and him.)
Yoochun groans when Changmin pins him against the brick wall, outside the club, slides his leg between Yoochun's and applies the right amount of pressure to make him bite his lip in the way that gets Changmin hard.
"You're fucking crazy," he laughs and bites at Changmin's neck gently, never hard, never to leave a mark. "We're going to get caught if you keep this up," he groans a little when Changmin shifts his knee just perfectly enough to heat him up.
"He thinks you're having a cigarette and I'm getting drinks at the bar," he whispers and touches him intimately, holding him hot in his hands, rubbing him perfectly to get him there.
When Yoochun shudders so close Changmin lets him go and grins at the desperately haunted look in his eyes of dissatisfaction. "You're such a fucking slut," he whispers and rubs over Yoochun's leather pants swiftly enough to make him come in a gasping moan he hides behind his kiss. "I'm going in," he removes his hand and is thankful for the darkness that hides his assault. "Have a smoke," he laughs deep in his throat and kisses him one more time, "You deserve it."
Then he leaves him.
Jaejoong is sitting in the booth and looks relived when Changmin walks over with two shots in his hand. "You didn't see Yoochun did you?" He asks and takes his drink gratefully, downing it in one fast swallow.
Changmin wonders if he was one of the few bred to not feel guilt. Instead his mind flashes to Yoochun pressed against the wall, whimpering against him, wanting him, his eyes begging for release and he feels a tightness in his pants no one can see. "No," Changmin answers and takes a sip of the alcohol before throwing it into his throat and feeling the pleasant burn as it slides down. "Has he been gone long?" he asks casually and reaches out wrapping his arm around Jaejoong's shoulders, gaining a shy smile. "You look great tonight," he compliments and Jaejoong laughs behind his hand.
"So do you," he responds and his eyes brighten when Yoochun appears, properly sated and glorious. Changmin watches him slide in beside Jaejoong, watches as he kisses him. Watches as Yoochun's eyes open and stare right at him.
Jaejoong asks Changmin to dance, not before making sure it's ok with Yoochun. When he gives his approval Jaejoong holds his hand and leads him to the dance floor. The music pulses and the rhythm flows seducingly around them as Jaejoong pulls him against his body and dances far too close.
"I worry about you sometimes," he says over the music, into his ear, his hands holding his hips while they sway and Changmin allows himself an indulgent laugh.
"You don't need to worry about me, Jaejoong," he flips and whips Jaejoong around, pressing him close to his chest, his ass gyrating innocently against his groin. "I'm glad you're happy, that's all I've ever wanted," he whispers into his ear and kisses his neck.
If the lights were on, Changmin knows Jaejoong would be blushing by the way he ducks his head and pulls his arms around him. "I want the same for you," he says and Changmin pulls his hands away, taking a solid grip on Jaejoong's hips.
"I am happy," Changmin tells him and rolls his hips to the beat.
Over Jaejoong's shoulder he locks eyes with him and when he knows he's got him, he smirks.
(I never said I was a saint.
I was born to make mistakes.
But when I introduced you to him, I knew you'd fall hard and I think I sealed my fate in hell)
Changmin fusses over Yunho's clothing. "You can't meet my friends looking like that!" he frowns and grabs him, pulling him into the bedroom in frustration.
Yunho trips over his own clumsy feet and steadies himself against the wall when Changmin starts pulling articles of clothing out of his closet. He throws them on the bed messily and then grabs a few pairs of shoes.
"I thought he was your best friend," Yunho crosses his arms over his chest, watching him and Changmin hesitates for a moment.
"He is my best friend," he responds and starts assorting various outfits for Yunho to change into, he particularly likes the dark wash jeans and charcoal v-neck sweater. "Here, try this on," he tosses the clothes and leaves Yunho in the room to change.
Changmin's hears a text come to his phone and pulls it out of his pocket. Where you at? Yoochun's in line, we're getting a table for four, right?"
Changmin responds quickly and looks at the clock. "Shit," they're running so late. "Yunho!" he yells and is about to open the door when it comes flying open on it's own and Yunho's standing in the doorway in his clothes, possibly looking far better in them than he does. "Fuck," he says and Yunho laughs a little.
On their way out Changmin holds his hand and rushes him to the car.
"One more time, we're acting like a couple right?" Changmin nods, accelerating, and speeds down the street. "And kissing is involved?" he makes sure his seatbelt is fastened properly with the way Changmin is whipping around corners.
Again, Changmin nods. "A lot of it, we have to act like we're dating," he reminds him and slams on the breaks when the light turns red a little too fast sending them crashing forward painfully abrupt. He looks over at Yunho. "You're not weirded out are you?" he asks suddenly quite aware of the fact that he's asked a friend who he hasn't seen in years to pretend to be his potential boyfriend.
Yunho scratches his neck slowly, "Pretending to like you so you can make someone else jealous and possibly introducing me to the love of my life?" Changmin worries but when he smiles he feels relieved. "Sounds like old times," he laughs and grips the handle for dear life when Changmin speeds down the street.
"How come I've never been introduced to you before?" Jaejoong asks a little suspicious when Yunho tells him about his history with Changmin.
Changmin loves that he's cool under pressure, it's always been a great characteristic of his and a part of him thinks it's one of the best things he's learned from Yunho. "I'm out of town a lot," Yunho smiles with ease and he's charismatic with dancing eyes that make the hardest of stone just a little softer. He knows it's working when Jaejoong smiles a little too kindly at Yunho. "Actually, I haven't seen Changmin in years but a few weeks ago we ran into each other at a business convention and well," he slides his arm around his shoulder like a master and Changmin finds himself almost in awe of his capabilities, "it felt like old times, right?" Yunho glances over at him and Changmin flushes under the restaurant lights.
He grins despite himself, "That's right," he drinks from his water and notices that Yoochun is glaring right at him. He feels his heart dance in his chest and bites his lip to stop the smile.
"A business meeting? So you you're in the fashion industry too?" Jaejoong asks and looks enthralled almost immediately. Yunho squeezes Changmin's shoulder and slides it back down onto the table, clasping his fingers around his drink.
"You could say that. I own a design company that works with Changmin's company. We handle a lot of their marketing schemes, it's all very boring," he laughs after a while and Changmin knows Jaejoong is anything but bored.
"No, it's all very fascinating," he takes a drink and looks over briefly at Yoochun before turning his eyes back to Yunho. "You seem really young to own your company," he says after a few moments and Yunho smiles effortlessly with grace.
"I've worked very hard," he nods and leans in, kissing Changmin's neck by surprise. Changmin notices Yoochun's fingers tightening around his beer bottle. "Thanks to Changmin, it's been a lot easier. He really helped me out when I was practically killing myself in school, was there when I was unhappy with just being another guy in a cubical," he runs his hand across Changmin's cheek and Changmin blushes. "I'm just glad after all this time, we're able to pick up where we left off," he sighs contently and Changmin can see Jaejoong's eyes practically glowing with affection.
"Yeah, it's about time for another drink," Yoochun speaks out suddenly and slaps his hand down on the table in loud intrusion. Everyone looks at him. He looks ripe with agitation and Changmin gives Yunho a subtle nod. "Jaejoong, you want anything?" Jaejoong shakes his head and pats Yunho's hand to get his attention before rambling off about something that has to do with marketing he's been interested in.
With the two of them in conversation it leaves Changmin and Yoochun looking at each other. "Bathroom, now," he mouths and gets up abruptly, unnoticed and after a while Changmin slides away.
He sees him walk in the direction of the bathroom and before he makes his way in he looks over at their table and Jaejoong and Yunho look so consumed in their conversation he's almost certain they haven't even realized they've both left.
It hits him, just for a moment, a tiny second, that he's playing with the devil and he asks for forgiveness but when he walks into the bathroom and a hand pulls him into a stall, Yoochun's eyes deadly in sin, he feels a little proud.
He ravishes his mouth in dirty assault and rips the top buttons of Changmin's shirt open.
"I don't appreciate being ignored," Yoochun growls and bites Changmin's jaw angrily, he licks it to soothe the pain away and Changmin melts against the bathroom stall. "You're doing it on purpose," he glares into his eyes with heat that leave Changmin a little breathless.
"Maybe I am," he shifts and his words fail him when Yoochun presses his hard on against his hip while his hand locks the door.
"You should be punished for fucking with me like that," he sucks on his neck painfully and Changmin gasps, eyes slammed shut. "Now Jaejoong won't wonder if he sees it," he pulls away and looks at the mark he leaves, a branding on his neck he thinks will definitely be visible.
Changmin feels the heat rise, course through his veins in thirst. "Punish me," he begs.
As he watches Yoochun slide to his knees, nimble fingers fast, mouth hot and wet around him, he throws his head back and ignores the dull throb in his ears at the impact.
(If you saw us, you'd think it was just sex. If you saw us, you'd think there was no love.
But you don't see us, so you don't know.
But I do and I know the truth.)
Changmin tilts Yoochun's head to the side and lets his sudsy fingers weave ribbons into a rich lather through his dark ebony hair. He massages his scalp and smiles when Yoochun's head falls back against his chest and he closes his eyes, a gentle smile on his lips.
"This is nice," he murmurs and his hands splash a little into the water before he settles comfortably against Changmin's chest.
"Sit up," he instructs and reaches for the bowl, dipping water in. He holds his other hand at Yoochun's brow and lets the water flow through his hair, bubbles and soap falling elegantly into the warm bath. Changmin runs his fingers into Yoochun's hair to make sure all the shampoo is out before pulling him back against his chest.
Yoochun shifts around for a few second and sighs, "Sometimes I wonder if Jaejoong knows," he speaks softly and slants his face up, his eyes just a little worried. Changmin grabs the sponge from the corner and dunks into the warm water.
"Would it bother you if he did?" Changmin asks as he makes soft strokes against Yoochun's porcelain skin, watches the water as it makes small rivers against his chest, he traces a, invisible heart around his bellybutton and sweeps it away before Yoochun can make a comment. He wonders if Yoochun's answer will be the one he wants to hear. If it's not, Changmin doesn't know how he'll handle it.
"Changmin," Yoochun sighs with a tired sigh that makes Changmin's heart just a little weak. "I'm with Jaejoong," he says and Changmin's hand stills for a moment.
Changmin closes his eyes and tries to not hurt because he knows. He's known for years.
"I just don't want to hurt him," Yoochun grabs Changmin's hand into his and they watch together as they intertwine into a perfect fit. Yoochun holds it tightly, turns their hands around and finally brings them to his soft lips and kisses them, "but I don't want to stop seeing you," he whispers and Changmin leans in, kissing his temple.
For a moment he wonders if he should tell Yoochun Jaejoong talks about Yunho every time he sees him.
Or that he thinks if he isn't cheating on Yoochun now, he soon will be.
Yoochun purrs a little while Changmin rubs the towel over his hair, ruffling his damp locks. When he brushes the towel away Yoochun grins up at him under the messy array of hair and Changmin pulls him to his feet.
"How much longer do we have?" Changmin asks, hands falling to the knot on Yoochun's robe. He gives it a little tug and Yoochun chuckles.
"Not long," he murmurs and folds Changmin around his arms, kissing his neck, running his hands through his hair, down his chest, until he opens Changmin's robe and takes him in his hand.
Changmin's breath sears past his lips and his mouth falls open. "That gives us plenty of time," he smiles as they stumble into the bedroom.
(Sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror.
It's because of me you're hurting.
And you don't even know I'm sleeping with Yoochun)
Changmin opens the door before Jaejoong flies through. He's shaking, his eyes are glassy from spilled tears and he clings onto Changmin with far more strength one should possess.
"I'm a terrible person," he whispers brokenly between shuddery breaths. Changmin holds him, runs his fingers through his hair and shushes the quiet sobs that seep pained tears into his shoulder.
"No, you're not," Changmin soothes, pulling him away, wiping his eyes, kissing his mouth gently, hoping his own guilt won't spill through. Sometimes he feels guilt too.
Jaejoong smiles thankfully and moves away, walking to the couch with burdened shoulders and curls himself into a fetal position. "He's going to hate me," he whimpers softly, grabbing a pillow to hide his shame and Changmin sits beside him rubbing his back. "You might kill me."
"Jaejoong, what's going on?" he asks, but he already has a feeling he knows.
Jaejoong tries to even his breath, calm himself down, but when he looks at Changmin his eyes leak of crystal tears and he looks pained.
"I slept with Yunho," he confesses and buries his face in the pillow.
He knew it. He knew the moment Jaejoong called him, hearing the shame in his voice, the adultery dripping in his tone and although he thinks he should be happy, his heart should be soaring with triumph. Because he's won.
It doesn't.
Because Jaejoong is his best friend. And Jaejoong loves Yoochun.
"I’m so sorry Changmin, I didn't mean for it to happen. I'm a terrible best friend," he cries and throws himself in Changmin's arms, holding him tight. "Please don't hate me," he begs.
And because he forgot about Yunho and their fake relationship he holds him close.
"I don't hate you, Jaejoong," he whispers calmly, far too calm for someone who's just been told his best friend has slept with his supposed boyfriend.
He wonders if it would be this easy when he tells him.
He doesn't think so.
"I'm sorry," he whispers and Changmin pulls him closer.
"It's okay," he mummers, "I didn't like him that much anyway," he says.
And Jaejoong cries harder.
(Sometimes I want to tell you.
But I know you'll be devastated.
And I'm not ready to lose my best friend)
He's had far too much to drink.
And everything is kind of moving in a dizzy frenzy that makes him struggle to see clearly. Jaejoong looks like a happy blur in front of his eyes and when he falls back against the bed he laughs a little too manically.
"You are too wasted," Jaejoong chuckles and rubs Changmin's stomach, who jerks and twitches at the touch. After a few more seconds he sighs and Changmin hasn't the energy to lift his head so he rolls his body in a direction he can see him.
Jaejoong looks thoughtful, his dark hair mussed, cheeks flushed with alcohol and Changmin grabs his hand and holds him tightly. "Changmin, we haven't-" he bites his lip tenderly; "we haven't really talked about, Yunho."
Changmin hopes his face is as puzzled as he thinks it may be. "I know what?" he asks confused and laughs when Jaejoong's mouth falls open.
"Changmin," he shakes him a little then helps him up. "Yunho, you know the guy you've been dating? The one I-" he flushes in guilt and Changmin sees his eyes fall down behind his blurred vision.
"Oh," he frowns and his buzz hits him with a bad twist of his gut. "Jaejoong, don't talk about that."
He shakes his head and sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "We have to. You're my best friend, Changmin, I betrayed you," he says and watches with wide eyes as Changmin rolls over and onto his feet.
He's feeling sick and the room tilts a little too far with a loud rush to head. "No," he says trying to clear his vision, "don't," he shakes his hand and stumbles towards the bathroom and shuts the door behind him with a slam.
Inside he slides to the ground and hits his head against the hard wood. He can't let Jaejoong feel guilty.
"Goddamnit, you son of a bitch," he groans and crawls to the sink, turning on the water. He lays his face on the granite for a moment, breathing roughly.
He needs to tell him.
Changmin pulls himself up and slaps water over his face. Looks in the mirror.
He's finally knowing what guilt feels like.
And it makes him look terrible.
He has to tell him.
End it all.
Let him know it's okay.
Changmin turns the water off slowly and tries his best to walk steadily back to the door but his legs are shaky and he knows it's not because of the alcohol.
He holds the doorknob in his hand, feels the cool metal soothe his skin and after a moment turns it.
Jaejoong looks distressed when he sees him sitting on the bed and his eyes are a little glassy.
He gathers his courage. "Jaejoong, Yoochun and I-" he starts.
And Jaejoong looks like he may cry. "What, Changmin?"
Be strong.
"Yoochun and I, we-"
But now he is crying and it's beautiful when he weeps.
It leaves him with a rush of air and he walks unsteadily back to the bed, sitting beside his best friend, grabbing his hand.
"Yoochun and I, we forgive you," he says and touches his face, catching his falling emotion.
"Changmin, I'm sorry," he breaks and hugs him close.
Changmin is drunk and drunk people tell the truth, but he wonders why he can't.
"It's okay," he promises and holds him close. "We'll all be ok."
Yoochun kisses his eyes, his nose, his cheek, the corner of his mouth.
Changmin sighs happily and smiles, laughs when he touches him dirtily between his legs. "Stop that," he groans when Yoochun's hands fall on his zipper.
"Stop me," he chuckles and lowers it slowly before his hand slips in, under his boxers and his fingers are hot against him.
Changmin gasps. "Yoochun," he whispers and looks into his eyes.
Yoochun's hand moves slowly up and down in gentle, even strokes and Changmin shudders. "Jaejoong's in love with Yunho," he whispers and licks into Changmin's ear.
Changmin thinks his heart may stop. "What?"
And the hand stops, slides out easily and Yoochun sits up slowly.
Changmin doesn't remember how to breathe and Yoochun is looking almost accusingly at him.
"You did it on purpose," he blames and Changmin sits up, his body shaking.
"What?" he asks and moves to him but Yoochun stands up and walks away from him.
He knows what he's done.
Everyone always get's caught eventually.
Maybe now it's his turn.
And he hates the burning feeling starting in his stomach.
"Yoochun."
"You weren't dating him," Yoochun looks disappointed and Changmin turns away, lowering his head.
He's feeling it more.
The longer it goes on.
A fiery sensation.
Guilt.
"You knew Jaejoong would fall for him," he speaks steadily and he crosses his arms over his chest. "Why'd you do it?" he whispers and Changmin brings his hands to his face, rubbing them roughly to stop what he thinks may possibly be tears.
"For us," he answers but doesn't look at him.
They're quiet.
And it's deafening.
Changmin thinks his chest may explode from his trespasses.
"I love Jaejoong, Changmin," he finally says and Changmin looks at him and his vision is blurred.
He really may cry.
"I want you to love me too," he murmurs and Yoochun's eyes burn into his for a moment.
He walks back to the bed, kneels and touches Changmin's face, catches the first tear he's felt in years.
It feels painfully wonderful he's there to catch them.
"I do love you, Changmin," he whispers and kisses him softly. He runs his fingers through Changmin's hair and Changmin's hands clutch at his shirt, breathing him in, holding on just in case he'll never get to feel it again. "I should hate you," he mouths against Changmin's lips.
Changmin whimpers and holds him tighter, kissing him harder, pulling him down to the bed. "Please don't," he begs and Yoochun hands finds it's way back into his pants and he's gripping him hard, squeezing him roughly, it's fast, dirty and Changmin's toes curl, sees stars and cries out when he comes in Yoochun's hand.
"There could've been an easier way," Yoochun kisses his neck and pulls out his hand, when he licks it clean Changmin thinks he may come again just watching him.
He breathes heavily in uneven trembles, his body still tingling, his mind still a little crazy.
"If he fell in love with someone else," he rolls on top of Yoochun and pins him against the bed, his eyes wide in wonderment, "it would be easier to let you go," he confesses and kisses him deeply.
Yoochun groans and pulls away when his lungs can't bare it any longer. He grins slowly. "You're the devil, Changmin," he laughs but stops when Changmin looks serious.
"Then be my angel," he whispers with hope and kisses him again, "and save me."
(I'll tell you one day.
And you'll hate me.
But I'm selfish.
And I love him.)
Secret: I got your boyfriend to cheat on you, with me. And I know I'm supposed to be your best friend… but now he's mine and I think I could really love him someday…
|Secret 01| : |Secret 03|
[Master Fic List]