Why Did I Fall In Love With You?
i. story by: hydraheiress
ii. pairing: yunjae
iii. genre: romance, drama, slight-angst
iv. length: one-shot
v. rating: pg-13
vi. summary: If only Yunho could control his heart, he'd rather not love Jaejoong and be this miserable.
why did i fall in love with you?
“Maybe that’s how it is,” Yunho answered in an almost monotonous tone. “You allow someone to hurt you because-”
“Because you love him.” Yoochun, his best friend and co-worker, butted in. “You’re in love Yunho. Admit it.”
If six months ago somebody told Jung Yunho that a man could be head over heels in love with another man, he would have snickered. No - he would have died laughing. He had never believed in love with the same sex. Period. Call it companionship, or physical attraction or desire, or whatever. But romantic love? That was just highly impossible.
“We’re just friends Yoochun ah.” Yunho clarified with a shake of his head.
“Bullshit.” Yoochun responded with a smirk. “Do you really think I’m buying that crap?”
Yunho wasn’t quite sure he was buying what he just said either.
Yoochun sighed, pulled his coat from his chair and gave Yunho a cynical smile. “Look man. You said so yourself. You often dine out with him. You always send him home after every night you go out. He calls you, you call him. Hell, ever since Kim Jaejoong came into your life you haven’t been able to wipe that stupid look off your face.”
Yunho opened his mouth to give a retort but Yoochun beat him to it.
“And don’t give me that shit about you being 100% straight either.” Yoochun continued. “Because whether you like it or not, everybody’s just a little bit gay inside. it's the twentieth century and yes, South Korea is still as stuck up as ever with a stick shoved a mile up it's ass but come on, love is love! And you…” he said, pointing a finger at him. “… are both duping yourselves into thinking that what you have is merely male platonic bonding.”
Yoochun stood up and headed out the door.
Yunho haven’t even taken his eyes off the door that had just closed when it swung open again. “Though seriously man, you look like crap. Pining over him is unhealthy for you. I think it’s better if you forget him before you fall in too deep.”
And with that Yoochun was gone.
Sitting on his chair, Yunho buried his head in his hands, groaning heavily. Forget Kim Jaejoong? That was the thing! Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t forget the man. They had a lot of fun. Jaejoong and him.
They made a hell of a pair even though they were on opposite ends.
Jaejoong was funny, witty; while he was just plain old cranky. He preferred rock music while Jaejoong listened to soft and sentimental ones. He loved break dancing, Jaejoong loved jazz dance. Jaejoong did most of the talking and was the one asking a lot of questions, while he preferred to listen, digest every word that came out of Jaejoong’s lips, and laugh at his corniest jokes. Jaejoong in return never got tired of his grouchiness with work. Opposite forces attract.
Yunho could be himself when he was with him and Jaejoong accepted him just the way he was.
Their friendship didn’t really click right away at first. But then things eventually just, fitted. They fitted. The two of them. And they've been inseparable ever since. Even Yoochun got jealous with the amount of time he was spending with him.
Yunho's life was perfect back then and he couldn't be more happier.
Everything, however, seemed to change when Jaejoong was sent overseas by his clothing company, where he was one of the top designers, for a convention. Yunho had sleepless nights when he was away. Imagine. Jung Yunho, having sleepless nights over a guy? It was unheard of. Yunho kept telling himself that he wasn’t pining over Jaejoong at all.
But no matter how much he tried to convince himself. Jaejoong was still at the foot of his bed when he'd wake up in the morning. He could still see his shadow on the glass of his car. He was still in front of his office table wearing that sweet breathtaking smile. He was a waft that he could see everywhere. And he realized too late that Yoochun had a point.
Months seemed to drag on without Jaejoong by his side, but alas that one Monday morning, Jaejoong finally arrived.
“Yunho-yah, what happened to you?” Jaejoong asked in concern upon seeing Yunho and Yoochun as they were about to go out of their office. “You have lost weight.” he pointed out, coming closer and cupping Yunho’s face in his hand, eyebrows knitted together, his usual cross examination. “And look at your eyes. They’re sunken. Have you been sick?”
“Eherm.” Yoochun cleared his throat on purpose as he tried to walk a bit faster. Then he stopped and faced them. “If you’ll excuse me, I will go ahead of you.” he said, walking briskly away before Yunho could say a word.
There was silence. Yunho looked down not really knowing how to approach the subject.
“Okay now.” Jaejoong murmured softly as he rested both hands on Yunho’s shoulder and peered into his eyes. “Have you got problems, Yunho-yah? You know you can always talk to me about anything right? What’s troubling you?”
Yunho was speechless. He didn’t know whether he should take Jaejoong’s advise, of confiding to him regarding what it was that had been weighing down on him for months or bolt right out the door. But after much self debate and mustering some very much needed courage, Yunho decided that it was the right time to clear the air between them.
Looking at Jaejoong squarely in the face, Yunho took a deep breath and spoke. “I won’t beat around the bush Jaejoong. I had sleepless nights when you were away. I don’t really know what’s happening to me but I think it's because of you.”
All the time Yunho was talking, he could see from the corner of his eyes how Jaejoong’s face was painted with sheer astonishment. When Yunho paused to catch his breath, it was clear that Jaejoong was waiting his next words.
Yunho bit at his bottom lip hard, before meeting Jaejoong’s eyes again and asked. “Are we in some kind of a relationship where, you know, there is a commitment and deep feelings… and…” Not knowing what to say next, Yunho stood there, hearing his heart pound wildly.
Jaejoong looked down as if he was waiting for some heavenly intervention. Yunho waited patiently, the pounding of his heart was about to make him burst. Jaejoong looked up again and Yunho held his breath.
“Actually…” That was all Jaejoong said before he shook his head and bent his head low once more.
Yunho felt his heart drop to his stomach.
He could clearly see the sudden transformation on Jaejoong’s face from surprise to sadness.
“I’ll give you a call at your office tomorrow Yunho-yah,” he said as they slowly walked along the narrow catwalk in the parking space. Until they parted and went on their different ways, Jaejoong never said another word.
Doubt and fear shattered Yunho’s consciousness. Was Jaejoong angry? Was he disgusted of what Yunho had just said? He was after all a man confessing to another man. But they were good friends right? Yunho had always felt that some kind of bond held them together. And although Jaejoong never spoke about his feelings, it was mutual right?
Days passed and Yunho was reduced to sulking. Even Yoochun’s attempts at brightening his mood failed miserably. For some time, Yunho didn’t hear a word from Jaejoong. He called up the older male’s office but the person on the other line said that was he was on indefinite leave. Yunho got more depressed. Was Jaejoong avoiding him?
“Aren’t you going to give us a hand here Yunho?” Yoochun asked as he and some office mates prepared some props for an office party. Their floor was buzzing with excitement. Everyone was busy and happy. Except him.
“I need to go home early. I have to fix something important.” Yunho informed without really knowing what to fix.
The rain gently pattered Yunho’s windshield as he was cruising along the street where Jaejoong’s office stood adjacent to theirs. He noticed some kids playing on the flanks, finding himself wishing that he was a kid again.
Wishing that he wasn’t feeling this pain that people called love.
And so finally, Yunho conceded. He could feel the stabs on his chest. Literally.
Jaejoong made him know how it was to walk on cloud nine, to be invincible, to walk on water, to run as the next president and be confident that he’d win. But the emotions Jaejoong once made him feel was now crushing his heart into powder.
Was Jaejoong some kind of a sadist?
Yunho was about to swerve to the right lane when he saw a familiar figure walking at a distance. The sadist!
He could have sworn Jaejoong saw him too. And even from that distance, he could clearly see the sadness in his eyes.
What happened to you Jaejoong? Not wanting to miss his chance for a talk, Yunho quickly pulled over about half a meter from where Jaejoong was standing. Yunho rolled down the window and leaned against the opposite door.
“You're getting wet. Get in and I'll just drop you off where you’re going.” Yunho noticed how the rain was getting heavy.
“Thanks.” Jaejoong replied. Yunho knew that he had no choice anyway.
“Where’s your car?” Yunho asked as he stepped on the gas pedal, handing Jaejoong a small towel to dry up his hair.
“It’s in the autoshop.” Jaejoong took the towel then muttered. “I had a head on collision with another car a week ago.”
“Oh really?” Yunho glanced at him but found that Jaejoong was making it a point to not make eye contact.
The ride was considerably silent - until Yunho heard Jaejoong take a heavy breath and squinted over his shoulder.
'Was his mind as troubled as mine?' Yunho’s eyebrows furrowed in worry as he asked. “Were you hurt?”
“No. Not at all." Jaejoong replied, his tone dull. "The headlights just need to be replaced and some painting job is needed."
Silence fell between them again. They were both waiting for the other to talk next.
“I was... transferred to one of our branches.” Jaejoong finally said.
’Was he transferred or he asked to be transferred?’
The car suddenly gathered speed as Yunho stepped on the accelerator, gnashing his teeth. He was trying to suppress the anger that all too quickly surfaced. His heart was breaking into pieces and blind rage was choking him.
“Aren’t we going a bit too fast Yunho-yah?”
Fucking bastard! Jaejoong didn’t even noticed that he was contemplating homicide, or suicide or whatever!
“Will you pull over please?” Jaejoong pleaded, sensing Yunho’s huff as the younger man’s hands were quivering while he held firmly onto the steering wheel. “Yunho-yah, calm down. Let’s talk, okay?”
That’s what Yunho have long wanted! A simple talk. But Jaejoong left him hanging and now he was telling him that he was going to be transferred without even consulting him? “Damn Jaejoong! Why do you have to leave?” Yunho snapped, the car screeching into a stop as he felt hot tears prickle at his eyelids. “I thought we had something. I thought…”
“Please, Yunho-yah. Don’t make this any harder for me.” Jaejoong held Yunho’s hand as he tried to appease him.
"I hate you for making me feel this way.” Yunho’s voice dropped to a whisper as he sobbed. “I love you Jaejoong."
Jaejoong held his hands tighter and squeezed them gently. Yunho kept his head carefully bent low, his vision was blurring with tears and dammit, he wasn’t going to give Jaejoong the satisfaction of seeing him cry like a fucking girl.
If someone had told him months ago that he was going to be shedding tears for a man, he would have murdered them.
Jaejoong moved closer. Yunho could hear his heavy breathing against his neck as he gently placed both hands on his shoulders. He tried to shove the other man, but his hold on him was strong and Yunho who was too heartbroken at that moment just didn’t have the strength to fight. But then to his surprise, when Jaejoong jerked him forward against him, Jaejoong’s lips covered his, almost smothering him. And for a mad moment, Yunho felt his world stand transfixed.
Before Yunho had a moment to rationalize the situation, Jaejoong nudged at his lips, forcing them open. Yunho gasped and then nearly choked when Jaejoong shoved his tongue inside, ravishing every corner of his mouth.
Yunho’s hands were instantly cupping the other’s face as he brought him closer, lips devouring lips and tongue gliding against tongue. Yunho nibbled on Jaejoong’s lower lip and bit hard. Reaching a hand onto the side of Jaejoong’s seat, Yunho released the lock and instantaneously, the older male fell on his back with Yunho hovering on top of him.
Hands roamed against each other, seeking skin, every movement spoke of desperation and need. Yunho growled low in his throat as he fervently tried to work on Jaejoong’s buttons. When he was finally able to accomplish the task, with one more bruising kiss, Yunho dragged his mouth away from Jaejoong’s own as he began to move down from his lips to his jaw, then to his neck, planting biting kisses along the smooth expanse of skin.
Shifting to his collarbone, Yunho descended down onto Jaejoong’s exposed chest, mouth salivating at the arousing sight of Jaejoong’s very interested nubs. Swooping down, Yunho bit down hard, causing Jaejoong to whimper above him, shivers coursing through his body while he tugged at Yunho’s hair, gripping them tightly in between his fingers.
“Jae.” Yunho hotly moaned midst suck on Jaejoong’s nipple, while his left hand pinched at the other.
With their groins pressed flush, both men began to rock and grind against each other, creating delicious friction.
Jaejoong bit at his bottom lip, trying his damnest best to keep the moans from escaping. “Ngghhh… Yun… Yun-ah.”
Yunho laid his palm on Jaejoong’s hip and gripped him tightly as they rutted, stroking the heated flesh under his touch. Outside the car, the rain eventually slowed down to a stop. “Jaejoong... please… don’t leave me. I love you… too much.”
Jaejoong’s eyes suddenly snapped open wide, a harsh gasp escaping his mouth, those three words rousing him from his lust-filled mind. They were both panting heavily, erections painfully evident to each other. Yet, quickly, he pushed Yunho off his frame, who could only gape at him in disbelief when Jaejoong hurriedly buttoned down his shirt.
“Jaejoong.” Yunho began, trying to catch his breath, a groan escaping his lips. What the hell?
Refusing to meet his eyes, Jaejoong wiped at his mouth and raked fingers through his hair, as if he was making sure that he didn’t looked like he had just got kissed to within an inch of his life. “Don’t… Yunho ah.”
Yunho reached out and Jaejoong reflexively recoiled at seeing the approaching hand. Seeing his expression, Yunho retracted the limb. Jaejoong leaned against the car's window, sagging against it. Long silence. “I’m sorry.”
“What the hell, Jaejoong?” Yunho was sure Jaejoong felt the same way. He felt it in the way he kissed him dammit! And Jaejoong was still hard, hard from what they had just did and yet there he was keeping a good distance away from him saying that he was sorry? I know you enjoyed that as much as I did Jaejoong. So why are you apologizing?!
“I have to leave, Yunho ah.” Jaejoong shakily replied, the heel of his hand digging on his forehead, eyes half mast in brooding. “I-I’m doing this for you.” he continued, eyes closing shut. “I’m leaving because… because I love you.” Turning his neck to the side, Jaejoong looked at Yunho, his eyes begging for empathy. “Can’t you please try to understand?”
I will never understand! I don’t understand a thing Jaejoong!
“I’m afraid we’re getting too attached with each other.” he said, eyes seemed fixed on a faraway object. “Yunho-yah this is wrong. We’re… we’re two men and… and we’re getting nowhere. And we might find it hard to let go in the end.”
Why would two people so in love with each other have to let go of the feeling that felt so right?
In that moment Yunho finally realized how much he hated society’s prejudices and their stupid fucked up logic.
“We better stop seeing each other.” Jaejoong said with finality to his tone.
It felt like a hammering of the last nail on the coffin. The love that burgeoned fell to a swooping, loud thud.
“I’ll get off here.” Jaejoong said as he opened the door, avoiding Yunho's eyes. “I’m sorry for ending it like this.”
Closing the car door gently, Jaejoong slowly walked away.
Yunho knew that Jaejoong was the kind of person who hated prolonging misery.
“Where are you going?” Yunho managed to find his voice as he rolled down the window.
“I’m going home.” Jaejoong said without even looking back.
For Jaejoong, home was where a wife and four kids were waiting. Yunho knew of it from one of their late night phone conversations. He actually had the same plans for his future, but right now Jaejoong was all he wanted.
All along Yoochun was right. When Jaejoong’s lips touched his for the first and last time, Yunho realized that they have long been fooling themselves into believing that they were just friends. And now look where it got them.
Yunho felt another lump on his throat and the mist in his eyes intensified.
Why couldn’t it be him and Jaejoong? Why did it matter if they were both men?
There were a lot of questions, and there were answers too. But the reasons were not enough.
Yunho's eyes were foggy and his vision was blurred. Feeling his heart shatter with every step that Jaejoong took, Yunho revved up the engine and stepped on the pedal as he began to take incredible speed along the high way. He knew what he was thinking of doing was stupid. But at that very moment, Yunho didn't care.
Jaejoong's widened eyes were trained after the speeding vehicle, knowing just whose car it belonged to.
In a split moment, his already bleeding heart shattered, the same time that the car collided against a 10-wheeler truck and was smashed underneath, knowing full well that Yunho was inside.
END
sequel: don't say goodbye
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A/N: Hmmm, first take on angst. *bricked* And it failed so bad. I don't think it's angsty at all. Maybe dramatic a bit, but not angst. Project Yunho will be updated in a few hours. XDD! So... just wait for a bit and maybe read this for now? I can't believe I wrote something like this T_T Sorry, I just finished watching a really sad movie so maybe my muse is sad too.