Tomorrow
Title: Tomorrow
Pairing: Eli/Kevin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: And the moral of the story is that you should never bet your bottom dollar on anything, because bets are always risky.
He didn’t want it anymore. There were some days when Eli would wake up and lie in bed, with the blanket twisted around his torso, and wish that he had never left America. He wished that he was still in high school; that soon his mother would yell at him to get up and get ready. He wished that he had never gone to China and starved: failing as an actor. He wished that he had never come to Korea, never joined Ukiss, because frankly he was tired, and it had all added up to nothing in the end. He had given up his life for this band, and now AJ was leaving to go to America and have “The College Experience,” and that was something Eli could never have, because he had already traded it away. He had traded his entire life away, and for what? It hurt him to think that every moment he had ever experienced, every memory he had ever made, and all the energy he put into things in his life had all amounted to this moment, which, honestly speaking, didn’t feel like much of anything. It hurt to think that all of his old friends in America were having life experiences he had always assumed belonged to everyone: college parties, meeting new people, learning new things and pursuing even greater knowledge. Eli didn’t have any of it. His life was a routine, get up everyday, rehearse until he felt like he was going to dry up, and then do it the next day. Life smelled like hair dye and felt like makeup caked around his eyes to cover his dark circles. It felt like putting different outfits on every night, until he had no idea what the fuck he was wearing, and performing in shoes that didn’t always fit right, until he had blisters. It was getting up everyday and plastering a smile on his face, trying to fill himself up with forced happiness, to cover the fact that he was running on fumes, just like everyone else in the band. Well, everyone except Kevin.
Kevin was running on something other people couldn’t see, something like purity. When he was tired he smiled, when he cried he smiled, and even when he slept he smiled. For a while Eli had been tempted to ask Kevin what the fuck he was smiling about, exactly, but finally he had realized. Kevin was smiling because he saw the world as a place that was good, and simply merited happiness. He saw beauty in things other people didn’t. It was charming, more charming than Eli cared to admit. He didn’t really even like to think about it, because it scared him. Kevin was sweet, he was caring, and he was pretty. Very pretty. For years Eli had been convinced that it was ok to think that another guy was pretty, it was ok to want to be around him all the time, and it was perfectly normal to feel jealous when Kevin hung out with other people. But even Eli had to draw the line at kissing, because that was not something that guys thought about doing to other guys, unless they were… well, you know. Different. Eli didn’t think he was… different, so he just pushed all the not so platonic thoughts out of his head, convincing himself that this was just a phase that he was going through, because he had been shut up in his practice room without girls for too long now, and half the time Kevin looked like a goddamned girl anyway. Of course, convincing himself of these things was difficult, considering he spent the majority of all of his days around Kevin, but he tried, and it was the best he could do. So, when Kevin came up to him and tapped his chin, asking what was wrong, Eli just invited Kevin to hang out with him after they finished practice. Because they were friends, and friends did stuff like this, right? They would drive around the city, then up into the mountains to see the view. He would bitch about Ukiss for a while, about how they always worked so hard, and about how his life was slowly becoming a meaningless rut. Kevin would cheer him up. Kevin always cheered everyone up. And then they would talk about something else; girls maybe, and it would be all very well and good.
They sat in the car together, and Eli started the engine. His car was nice; a luxury brand that was highly regarded around the world, but Eli didn’t really give a shit about stuff like that. Driving was something Eli had, one of the few things Eli had, that allowed him to feel free, like he wasn’t owned by some stupid contract. When he drove he was solely in control of his life, and at least that was something. Not to mention the acceleration of his engine, which was a little more than merely something. He drove fast, very fast, and when he did the numbness of the endless days slowly started to wear off. Of course, driving an automatic allowed for people to sink into back into their routines, to let the numbness take hold of them again, and Eli hated that so he stuck to roads with curves. Sharp curves. As they wound their way up the mountain, Eli lightly pressed down on the acceleration, feeling his body slide gently in his seat. He felt awake, like his eyes had been cleared of the fog that had been weighing downon him all day. He stepped harder on the gas pedal.
“Eli” Kevin said quietly, “We should probably slow down. The road is really curvy.”
Eli ignored him. They shot around another curve and this time they both slid in their seats. Eli felt his hip hit the seatbelt, and it tingled, like he hadn’t in days. At the next turn, he audibly heard his tires squeal on the pavement. A stream of warnings was flowing from Kevin’s mouth, but Eli ignored them. It wasn’t until they rounded the next curve, tires screeching, and nearly scraping the guardrail, that Kevin shouted at Eli to slow down. “Sorry.” Eli muttered, pulling the car off to the side of the road. He parked and turned off the engine. Kevin was quiet. Eli stared at his hands, resting on the steering wheel, and thought about apologizing, sincerely apologizing, for scaring the shit out of Kevin. But instead he got out of that car, and inspected where they had ended up. He had pulled his car onto a small patch of dirt on the side of the road, overlooking the city at night. Seoul was glowing, lit up with a thousand different colors that were definitely not visible during the day. It shimmered, the city lights dancing in front of his eyes. It was beautiful. So beautiful that if he stared at it long enough, Eli could almost believe the world was as good Kevin viewed it, almost. The sound of a car door tore him out of his reverie; Kevin was standing next to him.
“Why did you do that?” Kevin asked. His voice was calm, not the least bit angry. But this was Kevin, who was never angry. The world could be blown to shit, and Kevin would probably forgive the people responsible, and then become friends with them. It would be infuriating if it weren’t so admirable.
“I was… I felt trapped. Sometimes the world just pisses me off, you know? Like I’m completely confined in my own life…” Eli trailed off. He sounded stupid; even he could hear it. The words just weren’t coming out right. What was the use of speaking three, no, nearly four languages fluently, if he couldn’t say anything he wanted to?
Kevin looked confused. “What do you mean?” he asked. Eli breathed in deeply:
“Can’t you see it Kevin? People, people every where, are just digging themselves into these trenches, working harder and harder so they can build themselves more securely into their lives, doing things they hate, and you know what it adds up to in the end? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“That’s not true.” Kevin countered. “People aren’t boxing themselves in. Some of them are doing what they love. Look at us. We’re doing what we love, right?”
Eli stared. “No, Kevin, we’re not. You’re doing what you love, and I’m just sitting here, running out of poses to do for the fucking music videos. Music doesn’t mean to the same thing to me as it does to you. Music, Ukiss, it’s just…. My job. It’s rehearsals, and performances, and stage outfits, but it’s a fucking job. For you it’s natural. Like breathing, or something.”
“What does that mean?” Kevin’s voice quavered. “Does that mean you want to quit?”
“It means I’m tired.” Eli sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, you guys don’t really need me, what with AJ. So yeah, sometimes I think about quitting.”
“What about me?” Kevin asked quietly. His bottom lip trembled. Eli stared at him blankly.
“I… What?”
“I said, what about me?” Kevin asked again, and this time his voice was stronger. “ I don’t want you to leave. I need you here.”
Eli laughed, but stopped quickly, because Kevin looked so serious. He glanced at his hands, trying to think of something to say. Kevin obviously didn’t need him. Kevin was like a magnet; people were naturally drawn to him. No more than that. Kevin was like the sun: light, and beautiful all the time. People orbited him, people like Eli. If Eli thought about it, the sun didn’t need anything orbiting around it. Even if all the planets were demolished, the sun would still keep shining, because that was what the sun did; it just shone. And that was what Kevin would do if Eli left. Even if all the members left, Kevin would shine. Eli smiled, and opened his mouth, about to explain his theory about the sun, but stopped when he saw how close Kevin’s face was to his. There was barely an inch of space between their noses. “Kevin, what are you… I mean… you’re sorta, like, close to me” Eli stuttered.
“Eli, I need to tell you something, and please, whatever you do, don’t hate me,” Kevin quavered. “Okay” Eli nodded, nearly knocking his forehead against Kevin’s. He had a sick kind of feeling in his stomach, because the way Kevin was acting felt like something else, and it excited him a bit, but also made him want to throw up, because he knew it couldn’t possibly be that. Kevin was just standing there, biting his lip and staring at the ground, a look of deep concentration in his eyes, so Eli pressed his forehead against Kevin’s and closed his eyes. He could feel Kevin’s breath tickle his upper lip, and his head was spinning now, really spinning, but he liked it, because finally his life didn’t just feel like a schedule written out on a piece of fucking paper. So he leaned in, surprising himself, and kissed Kevin nearly forgetting how to breathe as he felt the world stop around him.
And then Kevin kissed him back. Kevin was sweet; smelled sweet, and his lips were soft and gentle. Eli nearly laughed when he realized that he was Kevin’s first kiss, the first person Kevin had ever had any romantic experience with, and Kevin was kissing him now, and he felt like he could fly. The world seemed to be flipping over, and apparently Kevin felt it too, because he latched onto Eli and dug his fingers into Eli’s hair. And Eli pulled him closer, clinging desperately, trying to memorize everything: the fruity smell if his hair, the tingling feeling he had in his stomach as Kevin’s long fingers lightly traced the shell of his ear, and the way that Kevin’s petite body fit so well in his arms. Kevin’s lips were smooth, and his kissing, like everything else about him, just felt sincere. Eli felt Kevin pulling away, and immediately regret pooled in his stomach. He wished he could stay here, away from the world, kissing Kevin’s pink lips forever. But he couldn’t. So instead he grinned at Kevin. “Is that what you wanted to say?”
Kevin looked down at his shoes, a light blush appearing on his cheeks.
“Me too.” Eli smiled and pecked Kevin on the lips. “But I think you should probably tell me again. I’m feeling a wee bit confused still…” Eli smirked.
“Stop ruining the moment!” Kevin tried to glare at him, but his mouth seemed to be carved into a permanent smile.
“Come on” Eli grabbed Kevin’s wrist and pulled him to the hood of his car. They lay there together, basking in the left over warmth from the engine, legs tangled together, with Kevin’ s head resting on Eli’s shoulder. They laughed, and kicked their shoes off so they could feel the warmth with their feet, and tickled each other with their toes. The city lights sparkled, reminding Eli of reality, of the millions of people who would ruin his little bubble of happiness right now. The people who, no matter how hard he wished differently, would end up taking Kevin away from him. But he couldn’t think things like that. Not now. So he pushed the feeling of dread out of his stomach and admired the ways Kevin’s fingers fit between his, raising their clasped hands, like a declaration. It was the best he could do.
“They’re beautiful,” Kevin said, gesturing to the city lights below them. “ Sometimes I feel sad because they block out the stars, but I think it’s better this way.”
“Why?” Eli asked, as he felt his breath get caught in his throat. Trust Kevin to find everything beautiful, even the fucking city full of people who would ruin everything for them. People who Eli wished right now didn’t exist.
“Because each of those lights is a person, lighting up the night, and I think that’s more comforting than a bunch of stars burning millions of miles away. Every tiny light is turned on for a human; a human who laughs and eats and sleeps and breathes. It’s comforting to think of all the people shining. It’s like we can see each of their souls glowing, so bright they block out the stars. Beautiful, right?” Kevin laughed.
Eli stared at the cityscape. What did it look like to him? Yes, each of those people was a light, but it wasn’t their souls that glowed. It was the glow of florescent bulbs in office buildings, lighting up the small cubicles of people working past their hours, of Ajuhsshis prematurely loosing their hair, of student studying until their heads ached at Hagwons. It was the businessmen who worked so hard that all they ever saw of their children were their sleeping faces after midnight. It was people working, working so they could be respected for being like everyone else, and then when they died everyone would gather round and say “He was a good man,” when what they really should have been saying was “He blended in well.”
“Yeah, it is.” Eli smiled.
“Eli, what are we going to do?” Kevin asked, staring at their two pairs of knees pressed together, silhouetted by the city.
“What do you mean?” Eli asked, even though he knew. He didn’t want Kevin to ask that question, because he knew he couldn’t give Kevin the answer he wanted.
“You know what I mean,” Kevin pocked Eli’s foot with his socked toe. “I mean us.”
Eli glanced at Kevin, saw his small face illuminated by the lights, a smile playing around his lips, and before he could stop himself the words came tumbling out: “Well, first of all, Ukiss will win an award, and as the confetti tumbles down around us I’ll kiss you, right then and there, for the whole world to see. After a few years, and more awards than we can count, Ukiss will breakup, but I’ll still be by your side. We’ll move back to the U.S. somewhere nice, and get an apartment together--.”
San Francisco!” Kevin interrupted excitedly. “And I can show you around, and you can see all the places where I grew up!”
Eli smirked, “Not happening. When we’re finally done with Ukiss I'm not doing anything that requires effort. I’m gonna sleep all day and lay around our apartment in my underwear. And never dance for the rest of my life!”
“Well” Kevin laughed. “I suppose we could do that too. And order takeout every night!”
“And eat In-and-Out burger everyday.”
“And pizza, American style. Not sweet like it is here in Korea.”
“And Pop Tarts”
“And Ego waffles!”
“And Toaster-Strudel!”
“And Hot Pockets!”
“And Chipotle!”
“And steak. Lot’s of steak.”
They laughed, and Eli silently berated himself for lying. They would never have this life, they would never tell, because if they did people would get upset. The judgment of thousands of people, strangers who didn’t know them, would be too much, and Ukiss would inevitably crack under the strain. They would break up. The members would try their hardest to be supportive, but Dongho would probably be angry at them, and Soohyun would feel like it was his fault the band fell apart. Hoon and Kiseop would be supportive, but eventually they would probably loose contact and become complete strangers, just stories about when he was young and in a Kpop group. AJ wouldn’t even know anything had happened, until he came back and found nothing waiting for him, just the shadows of a group destroyed by the world. But there was so much more than Ukiss at stake. NH would fall apart and go bankrupt without them, and there was also the matter of their parents. Eli knew his parents wouldn’t be supportive, and neither would Kevin’s. His father worried him the most. His father, who worked so hard, would be disappointed in his son, and Eli didn’t think he could handle that.
And then there was Kevin. Kevin would slowly watch as all the people around him suffered because of his relationship, and Eli would be able to do nothing but watch as Kevin fell apart, trying so desperately to fix everything without hurting anyone, trapped in a situation that hurt them all. Kevin would probably eventually stop smiling, and loose the sparkle in his eyes. In the end he would loose his glow, and people wouldn’t be drawn to him anymore. That was the worst. Eli couldn’t make himself the one who stopped Kevin from glowing. So he would tell Kevin everything, explain how they couldn’t be together, how there was too much at stake, and then watch as Kevin cried. But Kevin was strong, and he would finally get to become to true emotional vocal of Ukiss, to sing and cry about how his first love broke his heart, and no one would know why Eli would be crying in the shadows. And eventually Kevin would meet a girl, a girl so genuinely sweet and pure that just looking at her touched people’s souls. The kind of girl who amazed people with her kindness and openness; who laughed like sunshine, and wore yellow shirts, with frills, to match her laughter. She and Kevin would shyly hold hands, and kiss when they were all alone on the beach, then giggle and build castles in the sand. And Kevin would be glowing, brighter than ever, having long forgotten the tears he had shed along time ago. Because someone as average as Eli didn’t have the power to put out the sun. He didn’t deserve it, and didn’t want it.
“Eli~~” Kevin poked his side, “What are you thinking about?”
Eli looked at Kevin, and saw a pair of smiling eyes framed with delicate lashes looking back at him. It hurt.
“Just, you know, stuff. Us.”
“What about us?” Kevin gently traced his finger along Eli’s jaw line, leaving goose bumps behind.
“I….” Eli heard his own voice crack in his throat, and winced. Kevin would know something was wrong. “I just….” Eli looked away. Kevin would marry that girl one day, and his mother would tear up and stare proudly at her son the whole time. Kevin’s sister would look pretty in her bride’s maid dress, and the ceremony would be beautiful. Eli wouldn’t be there. But Eli was there right now, and no one else was, so fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck the stupid girl and her innocent smile, fuck the priests who said they couldn’t be together, fuck the media that would tear Ukiss apart, and fuck the city full of people who would avidly read all the stupid fucking articles that came out. None of those things mattered right now, because this was the only chance he would ever have.
“I love you.” Eli smiled, and was surprised when he suddenly felt tears running silently down his cheeks.
“I love you too,” Kevin said instantly. “But why are you crying? Don’t cry, I love you, I love you.” Kevin was crying too now, and Eli smiled as he wiped Kevin’s tears away.
“Idiot, you shouldn’t cry just because I am.”
“Eli,” Kevin stared at him “You won’t leave, will you? You can’t.” Both of them could hear the raw earnestness in Kevin’s voice: genuine, scared, and slightly desperate.
“I won’t,” Eli promised, and decided that tonight, just tonight, Kevin could be his. He would tell him everything tomorrow. Tomorrow.
They kissed again, and Eli let himself relax. Kevin was a sloppy kisser, and the kiss was wet and clingy. But it was more than that. It was Kevin begging Eli to not leave, to stay with him and make him happy, and it was Eli lying, because he couldn’t do anything else. The kiss ended, and Kevin burrowed into his side; he felt small and warm.
“Let’s tell them tomorrow,” Kevin said, and Eli could hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah, tomorrow.” Eli lied. “Tomorrow is the day.”
Pairing: Eli/Kevin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: And the moral of the story is that you should never bet your bottom dollar on anything, because bets are always risky.
He didn’t want it anymore. There were some days when Eli would wake up and lie in bed, with the blanket twisted around his torso, and wish that he had never left America. He wished that he was still in high school; that soon his mother would yell at him to get up and get ready. He wished that he had never gone to China and starved: failing as an actor. He wished that he had never come to Korea, never joined Ukiss, because frankly he was tired, and it had all added up to nothing in the end. He had given up his life for this band, and now AJ was leaving to go to America and have “The College Experience,” and that was something Eli could never have, because he had already traded it away. He had traded his entire life away, and for what? It hurt him to think that every moment he had ever experienced, every memory he had ever made, and all the energy he put into things in his life had all amounted to this moment, which, honestly speaking, didn’t feel like much of anything. It hurt to think that all of his old friends in America were having life experiences he had always assumed belonged to everyone: college parties, meeting new people, learning new things and pursuing even greater knowledge. Eli didn’t have any of it. His life was a routine, get up everyday, rehearse until he felt like he was going to dry up, and then do it the next day. Life smelled like hair dye and felt like makeup caked around his eyes to cover his dark circles. It felt like putting different outfits on every night, until he had no idea what the fuck he was wearing, and performing in shoes that didn’t always fit right, until he had blisters. It was getting up everyday and plastering a smile on his face, trying to fill himself up with forced happiness, to cover the fact that he was running on fumes, just like everyone else in the band. Well, everyone except Kevin.
Kevin was running on something other people couldn’t see, something like purity. When he was tired he smiled, when he cried he smiled, and even when he slept he smiled. For a while Eli had been tempted to ask Kevin what the fuck he was smiling about, exactly, but finally he had realized. Kevin was smiling because he saw the world as a place that was good, and simply merited happiness. He saw beauty in things other people didn’t. It was charming, more charming than Eli cared to admit. He didn’t really even like to think about it, because it scared him. Kevin was sweet, he was caring, and he was pretty. Very pretty. For years Eli had been convinced that it was ok to think that another guy was pretty, it was ok to want to be around him all the time, and it was perfectly normal to feel jealous when Kevin hung out with other people. But even Eli had to draw the line at kissing, because that was not something that guys thought about doing to other guys, unless they were… well, you know. Different. Eli didn’t think he was… different, so he just pushed all the not so platonic thoughts out of his head, convincing himself that this was just a phase that he was going through, because he had been shut up in his practice room without girls for too long now, and half the time Kevin looked like a goddamned girl anyway. Of course, convincing himself of these things was difficult, considering he spent the majority of all of his days around Kevin, but he tried, and it was the best he could do. So, when Kevin came up to him and tapped his chin, asking what was wrong, Eli just invited Kevin to hang out with him after they finished practice. Because they were friends, and friends did stuff like this, right? They would drive around the city, then up into the mountains to see the view. He would bitch about Ukiss for a while, about how they always worked so hard, and about how his life was slowly becoming a meaningless rut. Kevin would cheer him up. Kevin always cheered everyone up. And then they would talk about something else; girls maybe, and it would be all very well and good.
They sat in the car together, and Eli started the engine. His car was nice; a luxury brand that was highly regarded around the world, but Eli didn’t really give a shit about stuff like that. Driving was something Eli had, one of the few things Eli had, that allowed him to feel free, like he wasn’t owned by some stupid contract. When he drove he was solely in control of his life, and at least that was something. Not to mention the acceleration of his engine, which was a little more than merely something. He drove fast, very fast, and when he did the numbness of the endless days slowly started to wear off. Of course, driving an automatic allowed for people to sink into back into their routines, to let the numbness take hold of them again, and Eli hated that so he stuck to roads with curves. Sharp curves. As they wound their way up the mountain, Eli lightly pressed down on the acceleration, feeling his body slide gently in his seat. He felt awake, like his eyes had been cleared of the fog that had been weighing downon him all day. He stepped harder on the gas pedal.
“Eli” Kevin said quietly, “We should probably slow down. The road is really curvy.”
Eli ignored him. They shot around another curve and this time they both slid in their seats. Eli felt his hip hit the seatbelt, and it tingled, like he hadn’t in days. At the next turn, he audibly heard his tires squeal on the pavement. A stream of warnings was flowing from Kevin’s mouth, but Eli ignored them. It wasn’t until they rounded the next curve, tires screeching, and nearly scraping the guardrail, that Kevin shouted at Eli to slow down. “Sorry.” Eli muttered, pulling the car off to the side of the road. He parked and turned off the engine. Kevin was quiet. Eli stared at his hands, resting on the steering wheel, and thought about apologizing, sincerely apologizing, for scaring the shit out of Kevin. But instead he got out of that car, and inspected where they had ended up. He had pulled his car onto a small patch of dirt on the side of the road, overlooking the city at night. Seoul was glowing, lit up with a thousand different colors that were definitely not visible during the day. It shimmered, the city lights dancing in front of his eyes. It was beautiful. So beautiful that if he stared at it long enough, Eli could almost believe the world was as good Kevin viewed it, almost. The sound of a car door tore him out of his reverie; Kevin was standing next to him.
“Why did you do that?” Kevin asked. His voice was calm, not the least bit angry. But this was Kevin, who was never angry. The world could be blown to shit, and Kevin would probably forgive the people responsible, and then become friends with them. It would be infuriating if it weren’t so admirable.
“I was… I felt trapped. Sometimes the world just pisses me off, you know? Like I’m completely confined in my own life…” Eli trailed off. He sounded stupid; even he could hear it. The words just weren’t coming out right. What was the use of speaking three, no, nearly four languages fluently, if he couldn’t say anything he wanted to?
Kevin looked confused. “What do you mean?” he asked. Eli breathed in deeply:
“Can’t you see it Kevin? People, people every where, are just digging themselves into these trenches, working harder and harder so they can build themselves more securely into their lives, doing things they hate, and you know what it adds up to in the end? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
“That’s not true.” Kevin countered. “People aren’t boxing themselves in. Some of them are doing what they love. Look at us. We’re doing what we love, right?”
Eli stared. “No, Kevin, we’re not. You’re doing what you love, and I’m just sitting here, running out of poses to do for the fucking music videos. Music doesn’t mean to the same thing to me as it does to you. Music, Ukiss, it’s just…. My job. It’s rehearsals, and performances, and stage outfits, but it’s a fucking job. For you it’s natural. Like breathing, or something.”
“What does that mean?” Kevin’s voice quavered. “Does that mean you want to quit?”
“It means I’m tired.” Eli sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, you guys don’t really need me, what with AJ. So yeah, sometimes I think about quitting.”
“What about me?” Kevin asked quietly. His bottom lip trembled. Eli stared at him blankly.
“I… What?”
“I said, what about me?” Kevin asked again, and this time his voice was stronger. “ I don’t want you to leave. I need you here.”
Eli laughed, but stopped quickly, because Kevin looked so serious. He glanced at his hands, trying to think of something to say. Kevin obviously didn’t need him. Kevin was like a magnet; people were naturally drawn to him. No more than that. Kevin was like the sun: light, and beautiful all the time. People orbited him, people like Eli. If Eli thought about it, the sun didn’t need anything orbiting around it. Even if all the planets were demolished, the sun would still keep shining, because that was what the sun did; it just shone. And that was what Kevin would do if Eli left. Even if all the members left, Kevin would shine. Eli smiled, and opened his mouth, about to explain his theory about the sun, but stopped when he saw how close Kevin’s face was to his. There was barely an inch of space between their noses. “Kevin, what are you… I mean… you’re sorta, like, close to me” Eli stuttered.
“Eli, I need to tell you something, and please, whatever you do, don’t hate me,” Kevin quavered. “Okay” Eli nodded, nearly knocking his forehead against Kevin’s. He had a sick kind of feeling in his stomach, because the way Kevin was acting felt like something else, and it excited him a bit, but also made him want to throw up, because he knew it couldn’t possibly be that. Kevin was just standing there, biting his lip and staring at the ground, a look of deep concentration in his eyes, so Eli pressed his forehead against Kevin’s and closed his eyes. He could feel Kevin’s breath tickle his upper lip, and his head was spinning now, really spinning, but he liked it, because finally his life didn’t just feel like a schedule written out on a piece of fucking paper. So he leaned in, surprising himself, and kissed Kevin nearly forgetting how to breathe as he felt the world stop around him.
And then Kevin kissed him back. Kevin was sweet; smelled sweet, and his lips were soft and gentle. Eli nearly laughed when he realized that he was Kevin’s first kiss, the first person Kevin had ever had any romantic experience with, and Kevin was kissing him now, and he felt like he could fly. The world seemed to be flipping over, and apparently Kevin felt it too, because he latched onto Eli and dug his fingers into Eli’s hair. And Eli pulled him closer, clinging desperately, trying to memorize everything: the fruity smell if his hair, the tingling feeling he had in his stomach as Kevin’s long fingers lightly traced the shell of his ear, and the way that Kevin’s petite body fit so well in his arms. Kevin’s lips were smooth, and his kissing, like everything else about him, just felt sincere. Eli felt Kevin pulling away, and immediately regret pooled in his stomach. He wished he could stay here, away from the world, kissing Kevin’s pink lips forever. But he couldn’t. So instead he grinned at Kevin. “Is that what you wanted to say?”
Kevin looked down at his shoes, a light blush appearing on his cheeks.
“Me too.” Eli smiled and pecked Kevin on the lips. “But I think you should probably tell me again. I’m feeling a wee bit confused still…” Eli smirked.
“Stop ruining the moment!” Kevin tried to glare at him, but his mouth seemed to be carved into a permanent smile.
“Come on” Eli grabbed Kevin’s wrist and pulled him to the hood of his car. They lay there together, basking in the left over warmth from the engine, legs tangled together, with Kevin’ s head resting on Eli’s shoulder. They laughed, and kicked their shoes off so they could feel the warmth with their feet, and tickled each other with their toes. The city lights sparkled, reminding Eli of reality, of the millions of people who would ruin his little bubble of happiness right now. The people who, no matter how hard he wished differently, would end up taking Kevin away from him. But he couldn’t think things like that. Not now. So he pushed the feeling of dread out of his stomach and admired the ways Kevin’s fingers fit between his, raising their clasped hands, like a declaration. It was the best he could do.
“They’re beautiful,” Kevin said, gesturing to the city lights below them. “ Sometimes I feel sad because they block out the stars, but I think it’s better this way.”
“Why?” Eli asked, as he felt his breath get caught in his throat. Trust Kevin to find everything beautiful, even the fucking city full of people who would ruin everything for them. People who Eli wished right now didn’t exist.
“Because each of those lights is a person, lighting up the night, and I think that’s more comforting than a bunch of stars burning millions of miles away. Every tiny light is turned on for a human; a human who laughs and eats and sleeps and breathes. It’s comforting to think of all the people shining. It’s like we can see each of their souls glowing, so bright they block out the stars. Beautiful, right?” Kevin laughed.
Eli stared at the cityscape. What did it look like to him? Yes, each of those people was a light, but it wasn’t their souls that glowed. It was the glow of florescent bulbs in office buildings, lighting up the small cubicles of people working past their hours, of Ajuhsshis prematurely loosing their hair, of student studying until their heads ached at Hagwons. It was the businessmen who worked so hard that all they ever saw of their children were their sleeping faces after midnight. It was people working, working so they could be respected for being like everyone else, and then when they died everyone would gather round and say “He was a good man,” when what they really should have been saying was “He blended in well.”
“Yeah, it is.” Eli smiled.
“Eli, what are we going to do?” Kevin asked, staring at their two pairs of knees pressed together, silhouetted by the city.
“What do you mean?” Eli asked, even though he knew. He didn’t want Kevin to ask that question, because he knew he couldn’t give Kevin the answer he wanted.
“You know what I mean,” Kevin pocked Eli’s foot with his socked toe. “I mean us.”
Eli glanced at Kevin, saw his small face illuminated by the lights, a smile playing around his lips, and before he could stop himself the words came tumbling out: “Well, first of all, Ukiss will win an award, and as the confetti tumbles down around us I’ll kiss you, right then and there, for the whole world to see. After a few years, and more awards than we can count, Ukiss will breakup, but I’ll still be by your side. We’ll move back to the U.S. somewhere nice, and get an apartment together--.”
San Francisco!” Kevin interrupted excitedly. “And I can show you around, and you can see all the places where I grew up!”
Eli smirked, “Not happening. When we’re finally done with Ukiss I'm not doing anything that requires effort. I’m gonna sleep all day and lay around our apartment in my underwear. And never dance for the rest of my life!”
“Well” Kevin laughed. “I suppose we could do that too. And order takeout every night!”
“And eat In-and-Out burger everyday.”
“And pizza, American style. Not sweet like it is here in Korea.”
“And Pop Tarts”
“And Ego waffles!”
“And Toaster-Strudel!”
“And Hot Pockets!”
“And Chipotle!”
“And steak. Lot’s of steak.”
They laughed, and Eli silently berated himself for lying. They would never have this life, they would never tell, because if they did people would get upset. The judgment of thousands of people, strangers who didn’t know them, would be too much, and Ukiss would inevitably crack under the strain. They would break up. The members would try their hardest to be supportive, but Dongho would probably be angry at them, and Soohyun would feel like it was his fault the band fell apart. Hoon and Kiseop would be supportive, but eventually they would probably loose contact and become complete strangers, just stories about when he was young and in a Kpop group. AJ wouldn’t even know anything had happened, until he came back and found nothing waiting for him, just the shadows of a group destroyed by the world. But there was so much more than Ukiss at stake. NH would fall apart and go bankrupt without them, and there was also the matter of their parents. Eli knew his parents wouldn’t be supportive, and neither would Kevin’s. His father worried him the most. His father, who worked so hard, would be disappointed in his son, and Eli didn’t think he could handle that.
And then there was Kevin. Kevin would slowly watch as all the people around him suffered because of his relationship, and Eli would be able to do nothing but watch as Kevin fell apart, trying so desperately to fix everything without hurting anyone, trapped in a situation that hurt them all. Kevin would probably eventually stop smiling, and loose the sparkle in his eyes. In the end he would loose his glow, and people wouldn’t be drawn to him anymore. That was the worst. Eli couldn’t make himself the one who stopped Kevin from glowing. So he would tell Kevin everything, explain how they couldn’t be together, how there was too much at stake, and then watch as Kevin cried. But Kevin was strong, and he would finally get to become to true emotional vocal of Ukiss, to sing and cry about how his first love broke his heart, and no one would know why Eli would be crying in the shadows. And eventually Kevin would meet a girl, a girl so genuinely sweet and pure that just looking at her touched people’s souls. The kind of girl who amazed people with her kindness and openness; who laughed like sunshine, and wore yellow shirts, with frills, to match her laughter. She and Kevin would shyly hold hands, and kiss when they were all alone on the beach, then giggle and build castles in the sand. And Kevin would be glowing, brighter than ever, having long forgotten the tears he had shed along time ago. Because someone as average as Eli didn’t have the power to put out the sun. He didn’t deserve it, and didn’t want it.
“Eli~~” Kevin poked his side, “What are you thinking about?”
Eli looked at Kevin, and saw a pair of smiling eyes framed with delicate lashes looking back at him. It hurt.
“Just, you know, stuff. Us.”
“What about us?” Kevin gently traced his finger along Eli’s jaw line, leaving goose bumps behind.
“I….” Eli heard his own voice crack in his throat, and winced. Kevin would know something was wrong. “I just….” Eli looked away. Kevin would marry that girl one day, and his mother would tear up and stare proudly at her son the whole time. Kevin’s sister would look pretty in her bride’s maid dress, and the ceremony would be beautiful. Eli wouldn’t be there. But Eli was there right now, and no one else was, so fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck the stupid girl and her innocent smile, fuck the priests who said they couldn’t be together, fuck the media that would tear Ukiss apart, and fuck the city full of people who would avidly read all the stupid fucking articles that came out. None of those things mattered right now, because this was the only chance he would ever have.
“I love you.” Eli smiled, and was surprised when he suddenly felt tears running silently down his cheeks.
“I love you too,” Kevin said instantly. “But why are you crying? Don’t cry, I love you, I love you.” Kevin was crying too now, and Eli smiled as he wiped Kevin’s tears away.
“Idiot, you shouldn’t cry just because I am.”
“Eli,” Kevin stared at him “You won’t leave, will you? You can’t.” Both of them could hear the raw earnestness in Kevin’s voice: genuine, scared, and slightly desperate.
“I won’t,” Eli promised, and decided that tonight, just tonight, Kevin could be his. He would tell him everything tomorrow. Tomorrow.
They kissed again, and Eli let himself relax. Kevin was a sloppy kisser, and the kiss was wet and clingy. But it was more than that. It was Kevin begging Eli to not leave, to stay with him and make him happy, and it was Eli lying, because he couldn’t do anything else. The kiss ended, and Kevin burrowed into his side; he felt small and warm.
“Let’s tell them tomorrow,” Kevin said, and Eli could hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah, tomorrow.” Eli lied. “Tomorrow is the day.”