The Romanian Massacre.
Second semis. Same ground rules as the first post in terms of formatting.
01 | Latvia: PeR - "Here We Go"
FINALLY A TROLLISH ACT. (Although I don't know if they know they're trolling us.) They are so very, very terribad and so very, very white. And so very, very energetic. Bless - we might have found the Latvian Jedward.
They are actually the second least clothed this year so far (Belarus is the only one that got naked so far), which is...surprising.
And then one of the dudes (the one in the silver - the other one is in black) stagedives, which he declares to be the first stage dive in Eurovision history. Also, iPad keytar.
I am sad when they don't qualify, but not as angry as I was Tuesday night.
02 | San Marino: Valentina Monetta - "Crisialde (Vola)"
Well played, Signora Monetta. Well played.
At first I thought you were just going to bring a ballad with you dressed as a fortune teller fondling one of Russia's rejected light globes. And then you stand up and it breaks out into disco. And wind machine. And minor costume reveal (that is a MAJOR red dress, by the way, but not as major as Aliona Moon's white). Thank you for fooling me.
Also, she is the first shoeless woman of the night.
03 | FYR Greece Is An Asshole: Esma & Lozano - "Pred Da Se Razdeni"
...or should that be "FUCK YOU REALLY GREECE (Macedonia)?"
Anyway: ...the fuck did I just hear.
Lozano can actually sing. Esma...not so much, and she looks old enough to be his mother. Macedonia, what is it with you guys and women of a certain age? (And do they all smoke? It sounds like it. Although Kaliopi actually managed to pull it off last year; however, I must ALWAYS give props to 40-something metal queens.)
The stage show is...I thought it was going to be boring, and then it breaks out into electronic and Esme shuffles on stage in an insanely huge red dress and turban.
It is not the most insane thing worn that night, by a long shot. (That crown goes to Petra Mede, who requires a post of her own. Cezar would have taken the crown, but...you will have to see. I was actually in disbelief when I first saw it.)
That said, Croatia, take notes. This is how you go cultural.
04 | Azerbaijan: Farid Mammadov - "Hold Me"
WE NEED TO DISCUSS AZERBAIJAN. THIS IS POSSIBLY THE MOST INTENSE STAGE SHOW EVER.
Not so much what Farid does. He's dressed in gray (with sparkly sneakers) crouched on top of a glass box in the beginning. He stands up. Then he climbs off and fondles the glass box. Then a chick in a red dress with an insane train (it covers the entire catwalk) struts on (without shoes) and starts fondling one side of the box while he fondles the other side as rose petals shoot up. Then he walks off and she continues fondling said box. The song itself is not that memorable, although he's a competent singer.
Now would be a good time to mention what's in the box.
It's a guy dressed and styled almost exactly like Farid, except in black (as such, I will refer to him as shadow-Farid). Shadow-Farid starts off crouched on the bottom of the glass box right side up. As real-Farid stands up, shadow-Farid crawls to the top of the box and STANDS ON HIS HEAD.
AND HE MIRRORS EVERYTHING REAL-FARID DOES FOR THE FIRST CHORUS. WHILE STANDING ON HIS HEAD.
That is...holy fuck, that is genuinely crazy - and I don't mean that in the "what the fuck did I just watch" sense that Eurovision normally demands, but the "holy fuck I didn't know humans could DO that" sense.
I was tired after Loreen's show last year. I was exhausted after this because holy fucking shit that is intense.
Also:
...you couldn't get shadow-Farid a mic of his own? AFTER ALL HE'S DONE FOR YOU?
STOP BREAKING UP THE PERFECT BROMANCE. (I should also mention that the train of her dress goes all the way down the catwalk. Also: BAREFOOT WAIF ALERT
05 | Finland: Krista Siegfrieds - "Marry Me"
One thing about Finland: They know how to have fun. (They're the home of Lordi, who won in...2006, I think?)
That said, I looked at her and said, "Oh my God, she's the Finnish Katy Perry." Really, though, I could imagine Katy Perry wearing her outfit (a mullet wedding dress with hot pink platform heels and hot pink undershorts, singing that song (one of the lyrics is "I'm your slave and you're my master"), and...well, the end.
Considering that the erstwhile Mrs. Brand's breakout song was "I Kissed A Girl," I thought the finale was highly appropriate.
DING-DONG indeed.
06 | Malta: Gianluca - "Tomorrow"
This is what Zooey Deschanel listens to on Spotify.
But seriously, what the fuck Gianluca this is Eurovision you're not supposed to be totally fucking adorable on Eurovision. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME D'AWW. (Halfway through, he runs out onto the catwalk and high-fives everyone. At the end, there's a singalong on a set of bleachers. It's what would happen if kittens were distilled into a Eurovision performance.) And the song is probably the most catchy one of the night - and in this case, his slight accent actually makes it MORE endearing.
The background is the lyrics of the song animated to illustrate the song. It actually works here. Roberto Bellarosa, take note.
07 | Bulgaria: Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov - "Samo Shampioni (Only Champions)"
Literal first thought: "Oh my fuck, she's the Bulgarian Sheena E."
On the strength of the singing, I can see why this didn't qualify. She is not that good of a singer.
On the strength of the performance, I CAN'T see why this didn't qualify. The costumes were mildly nuts (she's wearing a band jacket over a jumpsuit with heels that she proceeds to lose about 2/3 of the way through the song; a dude in a MAJOR mask comes out at the end). The percussion is INSANE. There are drums everywhere. There are glowstick drumsticks.
And then the guy playing a bagpipe. Without a shirt. I take back what I said earlier. THIS is how you go cultural.
08 | Iceland: Eythor Ingi - "Ég Á Líf"
Um...hot blond long-haired bear in a tux singing in a foreign language. You sure this isn't Estonia?
He is also wearing huge amounts of bling - he has three rings on each hand and like five bracelets. I am quite impressed.
I'd rank this higher if it were more interesting - I irrationally loved Iceland's entry last year BECAUSE they were so insanely intense. He belts at the end, though, which makes it not that much of a snoozer.
09 | Greece: Koza Mostra f. Agathon Iakevidis - "Alcohol Is Free"
I would have expected this from Moldova, to be honest. (To be fair, I would have expected Belarus's show from the Greeks. And I would have expected Moldova's show from the Serbs. And honestly, I would have expected what Serbia sent us from Belarus, because Belarus usually sends crap.)
So basically, Greek ska as performed by five guys in rugby shirts, knee socks, and Chucks. And kilts. Also, light-up instruments.
The only thing that I'd ding them on is their background, which is black and gold. Considering they're Greek, this is HIGHLY unfortunate.
Also unfortunate? No up-kilt shots. Holla.
10 | Israel: Moran Mazor - "Rak Bishvilo"
...uh, Moldova? I think we may have found the new champion of insanely ginormous ballads.
Speaking of insanely ginormous: WE NEED TO DISCUSS ISRAEL'S CLEAVAGE.
Moran is wearing a black fishtail dress with white detailing and gemstones. And Jennifer Lopez-level cleav (literally, the neckline plunges down to her navel).
I should also mention that Ms. Mazor is very generously endowed up top. Yeah.
She does not move from her spot, and frankly, I don't blame her - one wrong step and all of Europe (and Israel) would be scandalized. On the other hand, unless you have an elevator dress, or you have been planted on a stump by a dude that's taller than Shaq, MOVE YOUR ASS.
On the song: Holy hell, she melted my face off with her singing. If I was blind, I probably would have had her win. Maybe. She was singing her ass off, and this was the most exhausting ballad of the competition - for me at least.
But the song is in Hebrew, I think. Sometimes, having your national language works (Moldova's song was beautiful, and although I dinged the Croats hard, that was mostly staging - "Mizerja" is actually kind of pretty). However, here...not so much for the tone of the song, which I'm gathering (from the sound) as a torch song. The hard consonants and guttural sounds threw me out of it a bit. I still think she's insanely talented. (SO I LIKE CHUBBY JEWISH CHICKS IN MASSIVE GLASSES WHO CAN SCREAM. SUE ME.)
When Petra interviews her in the green room, she mentions it's her birthday that night and that she's turning 22. I feel slightly bad that she didn't qualify for finals (that must SUCK), and quite old because holy hell I was in grade school when she was a fetus.
11 | Armenia: Dorians - "Lonely Planet"
Welcome back, Armenia! We missed you! Also, nice man-mane - you might want to give Iceland some pointers.
But after a year's absence, you couldn't do better than reheated Creed?
12 | Hungary: ByeAlex - "Kedvesem"
So basically, it's a dirty hipster singing a dirty hipster song while dirty hipster cartoons play in a dirty hipster way.
I WAS OVER THIS IN 2005.
Yes, I know, the Hungarians probably trolled us this year. But if you're going to troll us, at least be entertaining (see: Latvia).
13 | Norway: Margaret Berger - "I Feed You My Love"
Straight talk: Margaret Berger is not that good of a singer. It's not that she's off-key - it's that her voice is weak and cannot stand up to that song. In a way, it's much like listening to Rihanna actually trying to sing.
That said, major points for ACTUALLY BEING IN KEY UNLIKE LAST YEAR. (Speaking of which, guess who makes an appearance in the finals?) Unfortunately, this song and production isn't quite as memorable as last year's - although I will give her points for actually trying to move. (And also for her hair. Second most insane hairstyle of the competition.
14 | Albania: Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sojko - "Identitet"
I am dead convinced that Europe just took out their animus against Albania's entry last year on these poor guys. Sob.
But seriously, between Belarus and these guys, I'm surprised there was fireworks left over.
Also, major guitar solo WITH SPARKLERS SHOOTING OUT OF THE GUITAR. THANK YOU EUROVISION. THAT IS ALL I NEEDED.
15 | Georgia: Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Golovani - "Waterfall"
You might want to call up Greta Salome and Jonsi (Iceland's entry last year) for a few quick lessons on how to do a duet.
1) Moar violin.
2) Moar contrived affection.
3) MOAR EXPLODING SHIT.
Or, Georgia could just send us Anri Jokhadze again. Actually, I'd prefer that.
16 | Switzerland: Takesa - "You And Me"
My rule this year was that the cooler the interstitial was, the worse the performance.
They had the one I liked the best (it's the members of the band making a Eurovision logo out of chocolate).
I refuse to say any more, because I don't think I can without devolving into profanities.
On the other hand, their backstory is kind of awesome (apparently, they're a Salvation Army band, and...the old dude is NINETY-FIVE, which I never would have guessed - he doesn't look a day over 70). On the other other hand, context is completely unimportant.
17 | Romania: Cezar - "It's My Life"
Apparently, this was the night that Moldova got served. Screenshots are actually from his finals performance, but they're almost exactly the same.
Anyway. This is seriously Moldova's show as imagined by a drag queen.
So like, Cezar is just standing there. He's wearing a black sequined jacket, slicked back hair, and insanely diabolic eyebrows.
And a major black and red skirt. He looks like a gay club Dracula.
He then goes into falsetto, and three scantily clad dudes come out from under his skirt to do interpretive dance.
And then there's an elevator under HIS skirt (oh, you thought only Moldova could play that game?) and then another backup dancer comes out from it (this time in gold paint).
And then SHE gets on stilts (or someone's shoulders?) and reaches out to him. I can't.
All the while, he keeps singing in falsetto. It's like Sylvester was reborn in Romania.
Congratulations, Cezar. You win.
Oh yeah, song. I would ding him on his English enunciation, but considering he's a Romanian guy singing in falsetto at a higher pitch than most of the women in the comp for 90% of the song, I'm surprised he managed to stay in key. That was some seriously difficult shit. Even a native English speaker would be hard-pressed.
And power rankings:
1) Romania. This goes without explanation. Also, Cezar, you shady bitch.
2) Malta. Adorable singing doctor for the win. I was initially going to put him lower, but I caught myself singing along to "Tomorrow" during the finals. That was the ONLY song I sang along to. Well played, Gianluca, well played. (Also, he got "Jeremy from IT" to trend in Europe on Twitter. Most memetic song of the competition y/y?)
3) Greece. Honestly, this pains me to put them so low. Yes, third is low for them, although to be honest, they would have placed third on Tuesday as well since I love Montenegro and Moldova THAT much. Thank you, Greece, for doing what the Moldovans wouldn't.
4) Finland. If she was a better singer, this might get ranked higher. But kisses that scandalize the Turks are always appreciated.
5) Bulgaria. Of the top five, this was the most insanely campy next to Romania.
6) Latvia. This is how you troll us.
7) Albania. I almost forgive you for last year.
8) Azerbaijan. This night was really stacked for me. I'll put it like this - if Denmark had performed Thursday night, she would have placed no higher than this.
9) Norway. Of the second tier, she was the liveliest. If you're not going to have insane backup dancers, at least shake your ass.
10) San Marino. Mostly because she surprised me in a good way.
11) Israel. This is going to be controversial ranking her this high (I had her in the top 10 until I remembered Latvia), but...I am dead surprised her top did not pop off while she was belting. That was some intense shit there. And some scary shit.
12) Iceland. SPEAKING OF INTENSE. Hand to God, at the end, dude looked like he was passing the most major dook in mankind. Still not as intense as last year (then again, NOTHING could be as intense as Iceland 2012).
13) Macedonia. Plus: It was kinda wacky. Minus: Esma CANNOT SING. Plus: Esma is honest, apparently.
14) Georgia. Get a room, you two.
15) Switzerland. As much as I find their backstory adorable, the performance was listless. So was the song.
16) Armenia. I STILL HATE CREED.
17) Hungary. Go back to Williamsburg and never come back.
Also, this post will get edited - I need to go back and screencap some more shit. Oy.
01 | Latvia: PeR - "Here We Go"
FINALLY A TROLLISH ACT. (Although I don't know if they know they're trolling us.) They are so very, very terribad and so very, very white. And so very, very energetic. Bless - we might have found the Latvian Jedward.
They are actually the second least clothed this year so far (Belarus is the only one that got naked so far), which is...surprising.
And then one of the dudes (the one in the silver - the other one is in black) stagedives, which he declares to be the first stage dive in Eurovision history. Also, iPad keytar.
I am sad when they don't qualify, but not as angry as I was Tuesday night.
02 | San Marino: Valentina Monetta - "Crisialde (Vola)"
Well played, Signora Monetta. Well played.
At first I thought you were just going to bring a ballad with you dressed as a fortune teller fondling one of Russia's rejected light globes. And then you stand up and it breaks out into disco. And wind machine. And minor costume reveal (that is a MAJOR red dress, by the way, but not as major as Aliona Moon's white). Thank you for fooling me.
Also, she is the first shoeless woman of the night.
03 | FYR Greece Is An Asshole: Esma & Lozano - "Pred Da Se Razdeni"
...or should that be "FUCK YOU REALLY GREECE (Macedonia)?"
Anyway: ...the fuck did I just hear.
Lozano can actually sing. Esma...not so much, and she looks old enough to be his mother. Macedonia, what is it with you guys and women of a certain age? (And do they all smoke? It sounds like it. Although Kaliopi actually managed to pull it off last year; however, I must ALWAYS give props to 40-something metal queens.)
The stage show is...I thought it was going to be boring, and then it breaks out into electronic and Esme shuffles on stage in an insanely huge red dress and turban.
It is not the most insane thing worn that night, by a long shot. (That crown goes to Petra Mede, who requires a post of her own. Cezar would have taken the crown, but...you will have to see. I was actually in disbelief when I first saw it.)
That said, Croatia, take notes. This is how you go cultural.
04 | Azerbaijan: Farid Mammadov - "Hold Me"
WE NEED TO DISCUSS AZERBAIJAN. THIS IS POSSIBLY THE MOST INTENSE STAGE SHOW EVER.
Not so much what Farid does. He's dressed in gray (with sparkly sneakers) crouched on top of a glass box in the beginning. He stands up. Then he climbs off and fondles the glass box. Then a chick in a red dress with an insane train (it covers the entire catwalk) struts on (without shoes) and starts fondling one side of the box while he fondles the other side as rose petals shoot up. Then he walks off and she continues fondling said box. The song itself is not that memorable, although he's a competent singer.
Now would be a good time to mention what's in the box.
It's a guy dressed and styled almost exactly like Farid, except in black (as such, I will refer to him as shadow-Farid). Shadow-Farid starts off crouched on the bottom of the glass box right side up. As real-Farid stands up, shadow-Farid crawls to the top of the box and STANDS ON HIS HEAD.
AND HE MIRRORS EVERYTHING REAL-FARID DOES FOR THE FIRST CHORUS. WHILE STANDING ON HIS HEAD.
That is...holy fuck, that is genuinely crazy - and I don't mean that in the "what the fuck did I just watch" sense that Eurovision normally demands, but the "holy fuck I didn't know humans could DO that" sense.
I was tired after Loreen's show last year. I was exhausted after this because holy fucking shit that is intense.
Also:
...you couldn't get shadow-Farid a mic of his own? AFTER ALL HE'S DONE FOR YOU?
STOP BREAKING UP THE PERFECT BROMANCE. (I should also mention that the train of her dress goes all the way down the catwalk. Also: BAREFOOT WAIF ALERT
05 | Finland: Krista Siegfrieds - "Marry Me"
One thing about Finland: They know how to have fun. (They're the home of Lordi, who won in...2006, I think?)
That said, I looked at her and said, "Oh my God, she's the Finnish Katy Perry." Really, though, I could imagine Katy Perry wearing her outfit (a mullet wedding dress with hot pink platform heels and hot pink undershorts, singing that song (one of the lyrics is "I'm your slave and you're my master"), and...well, the end.
Considering that the erstwhile Mrs. Brand's breakout song was "I Kissed A Girl," I thought the finale was highly appropriate.
DING-DONG indeed.
06 | Malta: Gianluca - "Tomorrow"
This is what Zooey Deschanel listens to on Spotify.
But seriously, what the fuck Gianluca this is Eurovision you're not supposed to be totally fucking adorable on Eurovision. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME D'AWW. (Halfway through, he runs out onto the catwalk and high-fives everyone. At the end, there's a singalong on a set of bleachers. It's what would happen if kittens were distilled into a Eurovision performance.) And the song is probably the most catchy one of the night - and in this case, his slight accent actually makes it MORE endearing.
The background is the lyrics of the song animated to illustrate the song. It actually works here. Roberto Bellarosa, take note.
07 | Bulgaria: Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov - "Samo Shampioni (Only Champions)"
Literal first thought: "Oh my fuck, she's the Bulgarian Sheena E."
On the strength of the singing, I can see why this didn't qualify. She is not that good of a singer.
On the strength of the performance, I CAN'T see why this didn't qualify. The costumes were mildly nuts (she's wearing a band jacket over a jumpsuit with heels that she proceeds to lose about 2/3 of the way through the song; a dude in a MAJOR mask comes out at the end). The percussion is INSANE. There are drums everywhere. There are glowstick drumsticks.
And then the guy playing a bagpipe. Without a shirt. I take back what I said earlier. THIS is how you go cultural.
08 | Iceland: Eythor Ingi - "Ég Á Líf"
Um...hot blond long-haired bear in a tux singing in a foreign language. You sure this isn't Estonia?
He is also wearing huge amounts of bling - he has three rings on each hand and like five bracelets. I am quite impressed.
I'd rank this higher if it were more interesting - I irrationally loved Iceland's entry last year BECAUSE they were so insanely intense. He belts at the end, though, which makes it not that much of a snoozer.
09 | Greece: Koza Mostra f. Agathon Iakevidis - "Alcohol Is Free"
I would have expected this from Moldova, to be honest. (To be fair, I would have expected Belarus's show from the Greeks. And I would have expected Moldova's show from the Serbs. And honestly, I would have expected what Serbia sent us from Belarus, because Belarus usually sends crap.)
So basically, Greek ska as performed by five guys in rugby shirts, knee socks, and Chucks. And kilts. Also, light-up instruments.
The only thing that I'd ding them on is their background, which is black and gold. Considering they're Greek, this is HIGHLY unfortunate.
Also unfortunate? No up-kilt shots. Holla.
10 | Israel: Moran Mazor - "Rak Bishvilo"
...uh, Moldova? I think we may have found the new champion of insanely ginormous ballads.
Speaking of insanely ginormous: WE NEED TO DISCUSS ISRAEL'S CLEAVAGE.
Moran is wearing a black fishtail dress with white detailing and gemstones. And Jennifer Lopez-level cleav (literally, the neckline plunges down to her navel).
I should also mention that Ms. Mazor is very generously endowed up top. Yeah.
She does not move from her spot, and frankly, I don't blame her - one wrong step and all of Europe (and Israel) would be scandalized. On the other hand, unless you have an elevator dress, or you have been planted on a stump by a dude that's taller than Shaq, MOVE YOUR ASS.
On the song: Holy hell, she melted my face off with her singing. If I was blind, I probably would have had her win. Maybe. She was singing her ass off, and this was the most exhausting ballad of the competition - for me at least.
But the song is in Hebrew, I think. Sometimes, having your national language works (Moldova's song was beautiful, and although I dinged the Croats hard, that was mostly staging - "Mizerja" is actually kind of pretty). However, here...not so much for the tone of the song, which I'm gathering (from the sound) as a torch song. The hard consonants and guttural sounds threw me out of it a bit. I still think she's insanely talented. (SO I LIKE CHUBBY JEWISH CHICKS IN MASSIVE GLASSES WHO CAN SCREAM. SUE ME.)
When Petra interviews her in the green room, she mentions it's her birthday that night and that she's turning 22. I feel slightly bad that she didn't qualify for finals (that must SUCK), and quite old because holy hell I was in grade school when she was a fetus.
11 | Armenia: Dorians - "Lonely Planet"
Welcome back, Armenia! We missed you! Also, nice man-mane - you might want to give Iceland some pointers.
But after a year's absence, you couldn't do better than reheated Creed?
12 | Hungary: ByeAlex - "Kedvesem"
So basically, it's a dirty hipster singing a dirty hipster song while dirty hipster cartoons play in a dirty hipster way.
I WAS OVER THIS IN 2005.
Yes, I know, the Hungarians probably trolled us this year. But if you're going to troll us, at least be entertaining (see: Latvia).
13 | Norway: Margaret Berger - "I Feed You My Love"
Straight talk: Margaret Berger is not that good of a singer. It's not that she's off-key - it's that her voice is weak and cannot stand up to that song. In a way, it's much like listening to Rihanna actually trying to sing.
That said, major points for ACTUALLY BEING IN KEY UNLIKE LAST YEAR. (Speaking of which, guess who makes an appearance in the finals?) Unfortunately, this song and production isn't quite as memorable as last year's - although I will give her points for actually trying to move. (And also for her hair. Second most insane hairstyle of the competition.
14 | Albania: Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sojko - "Identitet"
I am dead convinced that Europe just took out their animus against Albania's entry last year on these poor guys. Sob.
But seriously, between Belarus and these guys, I'm surprised there was fireworks left over.
Also, major guitar solo WITH SPARKLERS SHOOTING OUT OF THE GUITAR. THANK YOU EUROVISION. THAT IS ALL I NEEDED.
15 | Georgia: Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Golovani - "Waterfall"
You might want to call up Greta Salome and Jonsi (Iceland's entry last year) for a few quick lessons on how to do a duet.
1) Moar violin.
2) Moar contrived affection.
3) MOAR EXPLODING SHIT.
Or, Georgia could just send us Anri Jokhadze again. Actually, I'd prefer that.
16 | Switzerland: Takesa - "You And Me"
My rule this year was that the cooler the interstitial was, the worse the performance.
They had the one I liked the best (it's the members of the band making a Eurovision logo out of chocolate).
I refuse to say any more, because I don't think I can without devolving into profanities.
On the other hand, their backstory is kind of awesome (apparently, they're a Salvation Army band, and...the old dude is NINETY-FIVE, which I never would have guessed - he doesn't look a day over 70). On the other other hand, context is completely unimportant.
17 | Romania: Cezar - "It's My Life"
Apparently, this was the night that Moldova got served. Screenshots are actually from his finals performance, but they're almost exactly the same.
Anyway. This is seriously Moldova's show as imagined by a drag queen.
So like, Cezar is just standing there. He's wearing a black sequined jacket, slicked back hair, and insanely diabolic eyebrows.
And a major black and red skirt. He looks like a gay club Dracula.
He then goes into falsetto, and three scantily clad dudes come out from under his skirt to do interpretive dance.
And then there's an elevator under HIS skirt (oh, you thought only Moldova could play that game?) and then another backup dancer comes out from it (this time in gold paint).
And then SHE gets on stilts (or someone's shoulders?) and reaches out to him. I can't.
All the while, he keeps singing in falsetto. It's like Sylvester was reborn in Romania.
Congratulations, Cezar. You win.
Oh yeah, song. I would ding him on his English enunciation, but considering he's a Romanian guy singing in falsetto at a higher pitch than most of the women in the comp for 90% of the song, I'm surprised he managed to stay in key. That was some seriously difficult shit. Even a native English speaker would be hard-pressed.
And power rankings:
1) Romania. This goes without explanation. Also, Cezar, you shady bitch.
2) Malta. Adorable singing doctor for the win. I was initially going to put him lower, but I caught myself singing along to "Tomorrow" during the finals. That was the ONLY song I sang along to. Well played, Gianluca, well played. (Also, he got "Jeremy from IT" to trend in Europe on Twitter. Most memetic song of the competition y/y?)
3) Greece. Honestly, this pains me to put them so low. Yes, third is low for them, although to be honest, they would have placed third on Tuesday as well since I love Montenegro and Moldova THAT much. Thank you, Greece, for doing what the Moldovans wouldn't.
4) Finland. If she was a better singer, this might get ranked higher. But kisses that scandalize the Turks are always appreciated.
5) Bulgaria. Of the top five, this was the most insanely campy next to Romania.
6) Latvia. This is how you troll us.
7) Albania. I almost forgive you for last year.
8) Azerbaijan. This night was really stacked for me. I'll put it like this - if Denmark had performed Thursday night, she would have placed no higher than this.
9) Norway. Of the second tier, she was the liveliest. If you're not going to have insane backup dancers, at least shake your ass.
10) San Marino. Mostly because she surprised me in a good way.
11) Israel. This is going to be controversial ranking her this high (I had her in the top 10 until I remembered Latvia), but...I am dead surprised her top did not pop off while she was belting. That was some intense shit there. And some scary shit.
12) Iceland. SPEAKING OF INTENSE. Hand to God, at the end, dude looked like he was passing the most major dook in mankind. Still not as intense as last year (then again, NOTHING could be as intense as Iceland 2012).
13) Macedonia. Plus: It was kinda wacky. Minus: Esma CANNOT SING. Plus: Esma is honest, apparently.
14) Georgia. Get a room, you two.
15) Switzerland. As much as I find their backstory adorable, the performance was listless. So was the song.
16) Armenia. I STILL HATE CREED.
17) Hungary. Go back to Williamsburg and never come back.
Also, this post will get edited - I need to go back and screencap some more shit. Oy.