Today my son James broke my heart. He quit Cub Scouts. As his den leader, I know I have failed him, though his biggest complaints were the uniform and meetings every Tuesday night. I have no more words.

We were at a wedding today and they provided wedding themed coloring books. While James was coloring in the wedding bell dot-to-dot, he marked the page "K <3 N" and then showed me and explained that it was love "Kenzal & Nikki ( Read more... )

Today asked more of me than I was able to give. I needed to turn on all of the utilities, find all of the paper work to register James for school, schedule an appointment for registration, do laundry, dishes, and continue packing. With the unexpected phone calls, nausea, and James' sudden bust of energy...I just could not accomplish it all. Now I ( Read more... )

It seems so trivial, a friend request on Facebook. But this one stopped me dead in my tracks. So much so that I am writing this instead of packing. This boy, for in my head he still is, changed the course of my life in such a fundamental way that nearly 20 years later even the sight of his face is enough to wrench my heart ( Read more... )

Just got the call today. Closing date is in mid-July. Trying not to bounce out of my skin.

The full weight of his passing just hit me, at 4 AM. I'm never gonna hear his voice again, in this lifetime. He's not gonna see James finish kindergarten or See the new house or hold anymore babies in this family. I'm never gonna hear him pray or say grace or tell me to "Be Sweet" when I leave. Even the smell of him is gone from this earth. As I ( Read more... )

How do you measure a year? James' first day of school. K's best job yet. The death of my grandfather. A new car. Turning 30. My 9th wedding anniversary ( Read more... )

Apparently, enough time has passed that seeing you doesn't hurt. I took nothing but joy and good memories from today. Thank you!

It is not often that a mere dream can wake me with weeping, but this morning's dream did. It was the few months after K's death (Again this was a dream. There is nothing wrong with K. I just checked.) But the raw and very real emotions that come with the funeral arrangements, housing, what to do with his stuff, grieving, our friends trying to help ( Read more... )

It was somehow the day after graduation and also now. I was running to all of the places at LHS and LMS that held deep memories for me. They were all empty. That hill we hung out at on Middle School, the band trailer, our spot in front of the library, our lunch table, the bedrooms I remember hanging out in, the nature trail. I was running so hard, ( Read more... )