Real Person Fic - CW: Pharmakon [Part 2/4]
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PART TWO
Now that he can go wherever he wants in the palace, Jared begins to learn the passages for himself. Jensen never complains about Jared taking up too much of his time, but he knows that, as a prince, Jensen has much more important things to do than show him around.
It takes him two weeks of exploring to fully familiarize himself with the layout of the expansive castle. Every time he thinks he has it down, he finds a new twisting hall attached to another wing. For Jared, it seems like magic, like there's an entire world stuffed inside the stones of this palace, and it grows with Jared's imagination, limitless.
Finally, he gets tired of wandering the halls and decides to see the grounds. It's late winter now, almost warming, the temperature a perfect mix of cool and refreshing. It was only beginning to get cold the last time Jared spent any significant amount of time outside, but there is also the fact that he now has layer upon layer of fine, thick clothing to keep him comfortable as opposed to the thin muslin he had before Jensen found him.
This change in circumstances makes Jared's work much more pleasant than it would otherwise be, and if it weren't for the burning in his hands as he handles his yarn, he would be quite content.
All told, he's pretty content even taking the pain into account.
Today is his fourth day out. The grass is wet from the previous night's rain, but the sun is shining, and Jared has found a quiet spot next to a small pond with flat rocks that serve as a bench for him as he works. He's been steady and persistent in his task, and he's confident he'll be able to finish the first shirt by suppertime today.
It's only been a few months since he made the deal with the witch, and if he stays at this pace, he'll be done with the shirts in less than two years. Jared dreams of it when he's feeling wistful, of saving his family, of course, but even more so, he yearns for the day he can speak to Jensen. Say his prince's name out loud, laugh at his bad jokes, and tell him his own name so he can hear it on Jensen's beautiful lips.
His mind is wandering down that path when a loud cooing shocks him out of his reverie. He looks around and sees a medium-sized swan, mostly white, but with dark brown plumes adorning its head.
It pecks at his shirt, and then looks up at him with its head cocked to one side. A bold bird indeed, and Jared would know his little sister anywhere, even, apparently, when she's been turned into a swan.
He smiles and pats her on the brown patch, which makes her squack in a way that doesn't honestly sound very different from how she would respond to Jared touching her hair as a human. He almost says something, asks how she is or what the baby is like. He desperately wants to tell her to let Jeff know that he's not upset, that he can come and see Jared, too. He knows his brother will be mortified by the mess he's caused, too proud to visit Jared without being expressly invited.
Of course, he can't say any of this out loud, and it's hard to tell if his sister is understanding his wild gestures and pleading expressions on account of her being a bird.
"Are you hoping the swan is going to dance with you?"
Jared turns to see Jensen standing behind him, one eyebrow raised and an incredibly amused expression on his face. Jared wishes the lake would extend just a few more feet, swallow him up so he doesn't have to face the reality that his perfect prince just caught him trying to communicate with an animal.
"I've been looking for you, David," he says.
Jared shakes his head, and Jensen snaps his fingers. "Oh well. Dawson, maybe? Or Dean? Dennis? Am I even close?"
He lets his expression answer for him, and Jensen laughs, waving Megan away before sitting on the rock next to Jared. "The guards said they saw you come out and I was about to have lunch so I thought I would-"
Jensen sucks in a breath then, and Jared sits up straighter, instantly on edge and looking around for whatever has made Jensen suddenly look so concerned.
But Jensen just reaches out for his hands, holds them up for inspection. Jared's palms have been bleeding for so many days that he'd honestly forgotten. It only hurts when he thinks about it, and with Jensen this close, there isn't room to think of anything else.
"You've hurt yourself again, Sammy," Jensen says. "Why?"
He looks up and Jared nods his head at the almost-complete shirt he's been working on.
Jensen shakes his head. "We have other yarns if you enjoy knitting. Spinning wheels so you don't have to handle the flax. You shouldn't keep touching this; it's poison."
He reaches out, but Jared stops his hand. The thistles are still poisonous to anyone who hasn't built an immunity to them yet, and they will be until the shirt is fully complete and the evil plant he weaved it from well and truly dead.
"You won't let me take it from you?" Jensen asks. "Is there some reason you have to use this flax in particular? It's not attractive or easy to work with, it won't make for finer clothes than I can give you."
Jared shrugs, trying to say 'that's just the way it is,' and Jensen seems to understand.
"Fine, at least let me find servants who can help you. Or me, I'll help. I'll take the antidote as soon as the poison starts in on me, it won't get as bad as it did for you. Let me help you."
The idea of letting Jensen endure that for a moment would be preposterous even if he could accept help, so Jared makes a cutting motion with both his hands, signaling that he doesn't want to consider the options Jensen is offering.
Jensen sighs and looks out at the castle. "I wish you could tell me why you do this to yourself."
Jared gives him a small smile, appreciative of Jensen's care even if he can't do much with it. The prince looks over at him with a warm but sad smile. "At least come have some food, then."
That's something he can give Jensen, so he stands immediately, gathering his things together.
"I'm throwing the Ds out entirely," Jensen tells him as he watches Jared prepare to follow him inside. "Earl? Edgar? Edmund? Edwin?"
Jared huffs a laugh and slaps Jensen on the back as they begin walking, Jensen continuing to list names all the while.
_______________________________________________________________
On rainy days, Jared works inside. Jensen has an office of his own, and he spends most of the time he isn't with Jared hunched over papers-land deeds and correspondences and other duties the king has passed on to him. He likes to hum while he works, sometimes even gets carried away and sings. Jensen's voice is as beautiful as the rest of him, rich and rumbling. It soothes Jared like a balm, making it even easier to ignore the sting of his hands.
Jensen has a large desk on one side of the room, and Jared sits in the chair by the window, knitting and looking out and listening to the idle observations of his prince, or the way he mutters unhappily at the people whose letters he's replying to.
They spend so much time there, together, focused and supporting each other, that they begin to build a language. Jared can tell Jensen entire ideas with a few turns of his wrist, and sometimes Jensen returns it in kind. There have been days where they go through hours of conversation together, and even Jensen doesn't have to say a word. It's silent but not quiet; Jared doesn't even realize until he looks back on the day that they'd both been mute.
But then there are days like this. Jensen must have slept poorly, because he's in a mood from the moment Jared walks in that morning. He's slumped over what looks like an elaborate budget, his hands carding nervously through his hair.
Jared goes straight to him before setting up his own materials, looks over Jensen's shoulder at what's troubling him.
"We're having a feast," Jensen explains when Jared points and shrugs to ask. "I'm in charge of the budget, but the numbers are off. I don’t know where. I've been looking at this for hours and I still can't see it. My eyes are swimming."
Jared leans in, and almost right away, he notices that the amount set aside for transportation of guests is not correctly distributed between the number of people being accommodated and the servants who will need to be paid along the way.
He puts his finger first over the category, then the amount, and then underlines the broken down expenses to draw Jensen's attention to the problem. Jensen rubs his hands over his eyes and blinks at the paper for a long minute before he looks up at Jared.
"You found it," he says excitedly. "Just like that? You did all of that math that quickly?"
Jared shrugs. He waves a hand at the paper dismissively. You did all the rest of it, but Jensen doesn't accept his dismissal.
He looks back at Jared and then stands, turning to lean on his desk so he can face Jared directly. "You're something else," he says.
I don't like to brag, Jared signs at him, and Jensen smiles.
"You're brilliant, you know," he tells Jared. Jared rolls his eyes, but Jensen puts one hand on Jared's cheek, turning him until he's looking directly into Jensen's face. "You are. They all-Beaver and the guards and…I know you hear what they say about you. They think you're slow because you can't speak."
Jared looks away, but he feels Jensen's hand slide down until it's wrapped lightly around his throat. The touch should startle him, should make him feel threatened or vulnerable, but it doesn't. It feels right to have Jensen's hands on him, anyway he can get them, and he looks at Jensen again so that he can see that in Jared's expression.
Jensen gives him a sad smile and his fingers rub Jared's neck lightly. "There's nothing wrong with you just because you're different," he says. "There's nothing wrong with you. My Sammy. You're perfect. I'll tear down anyone who tries to make you think otherwise."
_______________________________________________________________
"Put down the knitting needles and saddle up, Jared. We're going for a ride."
Jared's head snaps up the instant he hears it, his heart suddenly beating faster. They'd stopped at J the day before, and Jared had thought if he skips right to Jason from James, I'm going to kill him. So, intellectually, there was a good chance Jensen would get it today. But still, somehow the sound of his name in Jensen's voice thrills him like a shock of magic flowing through him.
His face must be saying a lot, because Jensen pauses, stares at him for a long time, and then his eyes widen. "Jared," he says again. "Your name is Jared."
Before he even has a chance to confirm, Jensen is wrapping him up in his arms. "Jared!" he exclaims. "I thought I was never going to get it. I thought you would end up being Zachary." He pulls away enough for Jared to see his smile, and then, as if he can't help himself, he says "Jared!" again.
Jared presses his hand to Jensen's chest, just over his heart. The way Jensen had done to him, a gesture Jared now uses as a stand in for Jensen's name, as dear to him as the nickname Sammy seems to be to Jensen, and if the prince doesn't understand that's what he's saying, well, it serves him right.
After a few moments, Jensen laughs and pulls away. "Come on, I wasn't joking. I'm gonna teach you how to ride a horse. It'll be fun. It's a gorgeous day, and you can come back to bleed into your needlework tomorrow."
Jared figures he's right-he has plenty of time to finish his shirts and one day off won't hurt anybody.
So he lets Jensen lead him through hallways he's never been down, paths that take them through the kitchen and servants' quarters until finally they step outside into an open area with stables and fenced fields off to the side.
"You didn't think all those eggs you eat every morning and the milk you drink by the gallon came from nowhere, did you?"
Jared realizes he's gaping and he closes his mouth, giving Jensen a brief shake of his head. He just didn't really think about it. Of course they have their own farmland, their own animals, and what seems like a small army of workers milling about tending to the daily chores.
He points to himself, then at the servants passing by, giving Jensen an imploring look. He can work. He knows how and he's good at it, and he feels awful now, realizing that he hasn't been earning his keep.
Jensen shakes his head, taking Jared's hand in his own for just a moment, long enough to calm him, and then dropping it with a crease between his eyebrows. "Jared, no, that's not why I brought you out here. Everyone here works fair hours and is fed and housed comfortably."
But I don't do anything, Jared tells him with their silent language.
Again, Jensen catches his hands, holding them steady so Jared can't say anything, can't do anything but listen to him.
"That's not true. I hope you know how true that isn't. How much you do for me just by-" The prince clears his throat and looks away, letting go of Jared's hands abruptly. "You're still injured. Your hands will never heal enough for labor if you keep knitting with that flax and…I don't know why you do that. I hate that you do it. But I know it's important to you. I won't ask you to stop. You don't have to do anything else while you're here. You're doing enough."
For a long second, Jensen keeps his face turned toward the ground, and Jared thinks he really upset him. Then Jensen looks up at him with a bright smile.
"Come on, Jared. You're going to love this."
He grabs Jared's hand for the third time in as many minutes, but this time he doesn't seem to be concerned about whatever made him drop it before. He pulls Jared around to the other side of the stable and calls out to a small man standing near the door.
"Osric!"
Osric turns at the sound of his voice, smiling and wiping his filthy hands on his even filthier pants. "My liege," he says, with a half-assed bow. "What can I do for you on this fine day?"
Jensen puts a hand low on Jared's back and urges him a few steps forward. "Jared, this is Osric. He's our main horse handler."
Osric gives him a salute and a nod. "I'd shake your hand, but you look kind of clean."
He's hardly more than a boy, his long black hair in his bright eyes. He looks too young to be in charge of the horses for the royal palace, but his smile is wide and Jared likes him immediately.
"Osric works for Mark Sheppard, who oversees all our livestock. He grew up in the palace, just a few years younger than Josh and I."
Osric gives Jared a sly smile. "The old man likes to pretend we’re the same age just because he rode his horse as well as I did when I was 8 and he was 16."
"This is why I never stopped Josh from tripping you into the lake. This exact kind of behavior is why."
They both laugh, and Jensen gives Osric a slap on the back. "Would you mind doing me a favor?"
"It's my job to do you favors, but I guess I won't mind too much personally, either."
"Jared's never ridden before. I wanted to teach him. I think I'll be alright giving him the basics, but since you know the horses better than I do, I thought you could recommend a good fit?"
"Well, we shouldn't put him on a small horse, should we?" Osric gives Jared a smug grin. "See, you might be taller than I am, but I can race on anything in that stable and your heavy ass couldn’t dream of it."
"Picking fights with people twice his size has been Osric's defining character trait since he was about five," Jensen tells Jared, as if he's explaining something very serious.
"Yeah, and winning them!" Osric responds, not letting Jensen spoil his chipper mood. "Harley's our biggest but he's a little temperamental for a beginner. I think Sadie would be a good fit?"
"She's the brown one, right?" Jensen asks. "With the floppy ears?"
Osric nods. "Yeah, the goofy one. Thinks she's a dog instead of a horse."
Jensen's grin is immediate. "That's the horse for Jared."
"And you'll ride Icarus?" Osric asks.
"Sure will," Jensen replies. "Could you get them all saddled up?"
"Of course, my lord."
Jared watches Osric head back toward the stable, amused by the way he seems to trot more than walk, and then turns to Jensen. He's about to say something contrary just for the sake of it, like asking just what Jensen is trying to imply by giving him a goofy horse.
Then Osric reappears leading the fluffy white horse Jensen had been riding the first time they'd met, and he's closely followed by a blonde girl leading the brown horse that must be Jared's. And Jared's heart melts more with every step they take, until the girl stops in front of him.
"I'm Alona," the girl says, leading the horse forward a little and handing Jared the reins she's holding. "And this lovely girl is Sadie."
Sadie's immediate response to being introduced is to stick her nose in Jared's face and huff, and that does it as far as Jared is concerned. Suddenly he loves horses, especially goofy ones.
Alona gives Jared a few hurried instructions on how to mount Sadie, how to steer, how to go faster, and how to avoid hurting anyone. He listens carefully, eager to be liked by the horse, and then it's time for him to climb up.
He wishes the trainers were just a bit larger so they could help him instead of just holding Sadie's head as he works on putting his foot in the stirrup and lifting himself up. Then Jensen is behind him, his hands holding Jared steady and helping to lift him, and Jared can feel himself flushing bright red all over just from the prince's touch.
"You feel okay up there?" Jensen asks, patting Sadie's side gently once Jared is finally in place.
Jared is too terrified to let the reins go enough to say anything, so he just gives Jensen a nervous nod and watches as his friend climbs easily onto Icarus' back, as easy as if he was hopping up a stair.
Once he's astride his own horse, Jensen looks over to Jared and smiles. "You look like you've got it," he says. "Do you remember how to ask her to start and stop?"
Jared nods.
"Show me."
Jared squeezes his lower legs as he was instructed, and just as easy as anything, Sadie starts walking. He only lets her go a few seconds before pulling back on the reins, signaling her to stop. He doesn't want to lose Jensen, but Jensen just laughs, says something encouraging, and then he's walking forward himself.
They go at a steady pace for half an hour or so, and then they reach a large, empty field. Jensen encourages Jared to try going faster, and before long, he's galloping alongside Jensen and Icarus, Sadie neighing cheerfully and the wind passing through his hair.
He's never done anything so fun or freeing, and Jared can't think of anything else he's ever been this good at this quickly.
They continue to ride for what feels like a long time, Jared losing track of the day, until finally Jensen gives him a wicked grin.
"You're so good I'd almost challenge you to a race. Of course, I've been doing this my whole life, and I wouldn't want to embarrass you."
Smug is not a good look on Jensen, Jared decides. He takes both of the reins in his left hand and signs race to where? with his right.
Jensen grins. "That line of trees over there, you see it? We won't go far into that forest, but I do want to show you something."
Jared nods. Then he lets his face fall, a look of sheer horror coming over it. Jensen's response is immediate. His expression goes from bright to worried in seconds, and then he's turning his face so he can see what’s behind him, looking in the direction Jared is pointing.
And Jared is off, galloping as quickly as he trusts himself to go. He hears Jensen's laugh a few seconds behind him and then the sound of another horse's hooves and a "you cheated!" yelled after him.
Sadie must have her own competitive streak, because she picks up speed when she hears Icarus gaining on her, and Jared wins the race easy. He stops his horse in the shade of the trees and waits for Jensen there, a shit-eating grin on his face.
Jensen catches up to him, still winded from laughing and looks him in the face. "You know, you're kind of a dick. You do know that, right?"
Jared just smiles his victory smile in response, which Jensen decides to read as a sign Jared does, in fact, know that he is a little bit of a dick.
"Fine!" Jensen says as he hops down off of Icarus. "I was going to help you dismount, but you can figure it out yourself."
Jared lets Sadie get a little closer, trusting the horse to sweet talk Jensen enough for the both of them. She rubs her nose against him and he pats her sweetly, pulling a sugar cube out of his pocket for her and then another for Icarus.
He looks up and sees Jared's pout and laughs. "Fine, fine," he says before stepping up to Sadie's side, coaching Jared through how to get down and helping to catch him as he does so.
They lead the horses a little ways into the forest, enough to find a lake where they can drink, and Jensen ties them to a tree by the water, giving them enough space to graze and drink freely. Jensen must know these woods much better than he knew the ones by Jared's house, because he seems to have a specific spot in mind, and he knows it as soon as they reach it.
"I brought food," he says, taking a satchel down from Icarus's side. "I thought we could…"
He blushes bright red as he pulls out a blanket and lies it down on the grass. If Jared didn't know better, he would think this was a date. He follows Jensen's lead, sitting cross-legged on the blanket and helping to lay out the fine cheeses and breads and sweetmeats Jensen brought for them to share.
As he's unloading their food, Jared sees Jensen pull out a vial of a bubbly pink liquid. He's seen the prince drink it with meals or in the morning, and now he watches as Jensen unscrews the bottle and pours it into the grass next to them.
"We'll have wine to drink," he says, tossing the empty bottle of potion back into his bag with a smile as if he and Jared are sharing a secret, and Jared wishes he knew what it was, but he has no right to ask.
They eat their fill and then Jared lies back on the blanket, lets his eyes relax as he listens to Jensen talk about the forest they're in and how he and Josh used to play in it before his brother became king.
"There's magic here, too." Jensen laughs. "I mean, there's magic everywhere, I know. We don't have very much in my family, we signed over the majority of it centuries ago. Not safe, is it? To let people who are politically powerful have strong magic, too."
Jared shrugs. His family certainly couldn't afford to pay to bring any magic that may have been latent in their blood to the surface, so he wouldn't know if he had magic in him or not.
"I have one kind of cool thing I can do. I mean. It sucks as a party trick, but it's pretty useful." He smiles. "I can predict the weather. Can't influence it or anything, but I knew today would be sunny and tomorrow is going to be overcast, and the three days after that there'll be rain."
Good for planning picnics, Jared signs, pointing to the spread of mostly eaten food between them. Jensen nods.
"But there's better magic than that in this forest," he says. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a rose petal and then gestures for Jared to follow him. When he stops, he kneels in front of a tree stump that looks like a regular tree stump until he gets down next to Jensen and sees that the rings on it are all different colors.
Jensen places the rose petal on the stump, and it sinks in as if it's drowning in water. Jared's eyebrows crease together and he turns to ask Jensen, but Jensen shakes his head.
"Just watch," he says quietly.
Within a few seconds, the tree is shifting, and Jared gasps as he watches first a few small sprouts, but they grow larger and larger by the second until Jared is looking at a whole rose bush growing out of the tree stump.
"The sad thing is that it doesn't last long. The bush will be dead and disappeared in a few hours." Jensen smiles at him and reaches out, snapping the best flower off the bush and handing it to Jared. "But whatever you take off it will last. I mean, the flower will die after a few days, just like a normal rose, but you'll still have the dead flower."
Jared watches as Jensen picks a few more, piling them in Jared's hands like a bouquet. "Be careful of the thorns," he says as he places the last one, and then he laughs at himself. "Though, I guess after that flax you handle, I must sound silly warning you against simple rose thorns."
Jared sets the flowers aside and touches Jensen's cheek, ashamed of how calloused his hands are. From the fact that they weren't really different before the witch's spell, when it was his work in the fields that roughened them. Jensen places his hand over Jared's and smiles, and his skin is soft and well cared for. Nothing like Jared's. Jared will never be anything like Jensen, and he can't understand any of this, but he can't shake the sensation that this is real nonetheless. That Jensen wants him just as much as he wants Jensen.
He wants to lean forward and kiss the prince so much it physically hurts him, but he can't be the one to do it. It has to be Jensen. So he stares into his friend's eyes, silently pleading.
Jensen chooses not to hold the gaze. "There are things about me I think you would hate if you knew," Jensen says. "I want to tell you, but I-I can't."
I'll listen when you're ready, Jared tells him.
The prince smiles, but it looks sad this time. "I know you will. You always listen to me, Sammy."
Jared points to himself, then makes a questioning motion, and Jensen licks his lips.
"Sammy," he repeats. "You want to know what it means?"
Jared nods.
"It's nothing," he says, and Jared can tell he's lying. "Just a word from a dead language. Acklonian, it was the royal tongue of my family. Used to be how nobles spoke when they were doing political business, but it fell out of favor a few centuries ago. Apparently no one thought it was worth learning a whole language just for the sake of secrecy."
Jared shows that he's still paying attention by waving his hand. Go on.
"Now only about five people speak it. Me, my brother, and the bards who taught it to us, of course. It's the bards' problem to keep track of things like that when the rest of us get lazy. I'm not that good at it. I mean, I'm not fluent. My brother is even worse. We really only needed to learn enough to say we could speak it."
Jared sighs. He didn't want to know the history of the language, and he knows Jensen knows that, because the prince is stalling. Jensen looks up when he hears Jared's huff of frustration and shakes his head.
"It's nothing, it's stupid. Just a word. I'll call you Jared now that I know your name."
Jared wants to pursue it, but Jensen jumps to his feet. "It's going to get late on us if we don't head back soon."
He gathers his roses and tucks the bouquet as safely as he thinks he can into one of the satchels attached to his saddle, and Jensen cleans up the rest of their mess. They ride back much more leisurely than they had been that morning with Jared eager to learn and test out his new skill, and when they arrive back at the stable, Osric is already waiting.
"No incidents?" he asks, taking Icarus's reins from Jensen and watching Jared climb down.
"He's quite the gifted horseman, actually," Jensen says, sounding weirdly proud. "A natural."
Jared's face is breaking into a smile at the praise before his brain has any say in the matter. He'd had every intention of staying annoyed at Jensen's evasion for a little longer, but oh well.
"Of course, he didn't beat me. I am, as you know, unbeatable on a horse."
"Oh, yeah, sure." Osric shakes his head 'no' even as he agrees with the prince.
Jared lets his head fall back on a soundless laugh, and Jensen is pouting at him when he focuses again.
"You shut up!" he says, pointing at Jared.
You're the one talking, Jared signs at him, before taking an exaggeratedly elaborate bow. Which is supposed to be a mocking "your majesty" and he knows Jensen got that from the way he huffs.
"Are you seeing this?" Jensen asks Osric. Osric shrugs, clearly not understanding any of what's going on "He's the only person I've ever known who manages to make 'your majesty' sound like an insult. And he doesn't even have to open his mouth. Incredible!"
Jared just grins and wears Jensen's annoyance as a badge of honor.
_______________________________________________________________
"I find this frustrating."
Jared looks up over the edge of his book and sees Genevieve glaring at him from across the desk.
"I have absolutely no way to know if you're actually reading or if you're just moving your eyes across the page at what you've decided is the right speed and then turning it over."
He shrugs and smiles at her, gesturing at the papers laid between them as if to say well what do you want me to do about it?
Her pout only intensifies. "I don't know! I just wanted you to know you bring me problems."
It took three weeks of absolutely no progress for Jensen to decide he was giving up on teaching Jared to read himself. He introduced Jared to Genevieve, one of three of the palace bards, and they’ve been working steadily for several months now.
Jared likes her, likes her better than just about anyone other than Jensen, and he's made incredible progress since they've started. He can read entire books on his own, with only a few instances of having to ask her to help him by sounding out a word. Sure, they're not the most complicated books in the world just yet, mostly short stories written for children, but it's thousands of words more than he knew how to read just a few weeks ago.
But then her foot brushes Jared's under the table, and he looks up to see her ducking her head and smiling, and he feels the same uncomfortable tightening in his gut that he feels every time they're alone. He knows she's been flirting with him for almost as long as he's been coming to her for help, and he has no way to explain that he can never feel that way about her.
Even if he could speak or take her up on her offer of writing lessons, it's not like he could admit that he's in love with the prince. He has no right to be.
He taps his finger on the desk to get her attention, and when she looks up at him, he presses his hand over his heart, hoping she won't misread it.
Genevieve is a smart girl, though, and she's picked up on what passes for language with Jared with ease. Hand over heart always means Jensen.
Her smile dulls. "Where's Jensen?" she asks for him.
Jared nods. He usually comes by to see them by now. Jared hasn't seen him all day, not even at breakfast.
"I don't know," she says dismissively. "Last I heard he was locked up in his room. You know how he gets."
Jared doesn't know what she means by that, but she looks concerned while also looking like she's trying to mask her concern, and that throws up red flags for Jared.
He closes his book and places it in front of her, their established way of Jared telling her that he's done for the day.
"You only just got here," she says. "Don't you at least want to finish the story you're on?"
Jared shakes his head and is up and out of the room before she can say anything else. He hurries to Jensen's room, unsure of what is causing the urgency, and finds the door closed.
He knocks, and after a long moment, he hears a gentle, "Come in."
As soon as the door opens, Jared is struck by how dark Jensen's room is. It's midday, but the heavy curtains are still drawn over the windows, only the barest rays of light peeking out on the sides. There are no candles lit, and Jensen is still in bed.
"Jared?" he says. His voice sounds odd and strained, and Jared rushes to his side to check if he's been wounded.
Jensen laughs once he realizes what Jared is doing and catches Jared's hands to stop them, shaking his head. "I'm not hurt."
Then why? Jared asks, shaking off Jensen's hold and gesturing around the room.
Jensen frowns and looks down at his hands. "I thought you would be busy with your reading lesson today," he says. "I didn't want you to see me like this."
Jared cups his cheek in one hand and Jensen turns his face into it.
"I'm not hurt," he says again. "I'm okay, really. I'm just…sick. I'm a little sick."
Jared shakes his head 'no' but Jensen nods.
"It's in my head. It's not…not real. You shouldn't worry about it."
That Jared doesn't even bother considering. He lets his hand slip down to Jensen's chest and holds it there over his heart. Of course he's going to worry. Or course he's going to worry. It's his Jensen.
"They don't know what's wrong with me," Jensen explains. "Or. Well. They do. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just ungrateful."
What's that supposed to mean? Jared signs.
Jensen licks his lips and turns toward the window, and Jared gets up to push the curtains aside for him, to let some light in, and to allow Jensen to say whatever comes next without Jared staring at him.
"I get…sad sometimes. It's. All the time, and then it'll go away, and then it'll come back. I feel so empty. It's not even-sad isn't the right word for it, Jared. It's like nothing matters. I don't know why. I don't know what’s wrong with me. I'm a prince. I have it so much better than most people, and everyone tries to tell me that, but it doesn't help. It doesn't make it go away. I don't know why I can't just be happy."
You feel that way now? Jared asks once there's enough light for Jensen to see him across the room.
"You must think I'm disgusting," Jensen says. "With everything you've been through. And here I am sitting in my castle feeling sorry for myself."
Jared sits at the edge of his bed and tucks the covers around Jensen.
"I try," Jensen insists. "No one believes that I try. I try so hard to be happy. Sometimes I just…can't."
He mimes drinking something to ask if this is why Jensen takes the pink potion, and Jensen nods.
Then he takes Jared's hands with urgency and looks up into his face. "But I stopped. I know I wasn't supposed to stop taking it, I knew this would happen if I did."
Jared doesn't want to take his hands away from Jensen, so he tries to mouth why did you stop?
"Because of you," Jensen admits, and Jared feels his face fall before Jensen adds, "The potion, it only helps by numbing me. It makes it so things don't feel as bad. But when I'm okay, when I feel happy, it's not all the way. And you…I wanted to feel it all the way."
Jared nods to show he understands, and Jensen continues, "It's worth it. Even though…even though I'm like this today. I don't feel like eating or getting out of bed or seeing anyone, and I know what everyone in the palace will be saying about me by suppertime. But it's worth it."
He squeezes Jared's hands between his own. "Don't tell them I stopped drinking it. Please don't tell. They'll be so mad at me and they'll make me. I know I'm messed up, but I just want to try taking care of it on my own."
Shaking his hands so that Jensen lets them go, Jared moves slowly, deliberately, so he can be sure Jensen is tracking his every movement. He presses his hands to Jensen's neck, the same way Jensen had the first time he told Jared there's nothing wrong with you just because you're different.
Jensen clutches Jared's shirt tight in his hands, lets out a broken sound. He whispers, "Sammy" and hides his face against Jared's chest, and Jared holds him there as long as Jensen lets him.
ON TO PART THREE
or
BACK TO MASTERPOST
PART TWO
Now that he can go wherever he wants in the palace, Jared begins to learn the passages for himself. Jensen never complains about Jared taking up too much of his time, but he knows that, as a prince, Jensen has much more important things to do than show him around.
It takes him two weeks of exploring to fully familiarize himself with the layout of the expansive castle. Every time he thinks he has it down, he finds a new twisting hall attached to another wing. For Jared, it seems like magic, like there's an entire world stuffed inside the stones of this palace, and it grows with Jared's imagination, limitless.
Finally, he gets tired of wandering the halls and decides to see the grounds. It's late winter now, almost warming, the temperature a perfect mix of cool and refreshing. It was only beginning to get cold the last time Jared spent any significant amount of time outside, but there is also the fact that he now has layer upon layer of fine, thick clothing to keep him comfortable as opposed to the thin muslin he had before Jensen found him.
This change in circumstances makes Jared's work much more pleasant than it would otherwise be, and if it weren't for the burning in his hands as he handles his yarn, he would be quite content.
All told, he's pretty content even taking the pain into account.
Today is his fourth day out. The grass is wet from the previous night's rain, but the sun is shining, and Jared has found a quiet spot next to a small pond with flat rocks that serve as a bench for him as he works. He's been steady and persistent in his task, and he's confident he'll be able to finish the first shirt by suppertime today.
It's only been a few months since he made the deal with the witch, and if he stays at this pace, he'll be done with the shirts in less than two years. Jared dreams of it when he's feeling wistful, of saving his family, of course, but even more so, he yearns for the day he can speak to Jensen. Say his prince's name out loud, laugh at his bad jokes, and tell him his own name so he can hear it on Jensen's beautiful lips.
His mind is wandering down that path when a loud cooing shocks him out of his reverie. He looks around and sees a medium-sized swan, mostly white, but with dark brown plumes adorning its head.
It pecks at his shirt, and then looks up at him with its head cocked to one side. A bold bird indeed, and Jared would know his little sister anywhere, even, apparently, when she's been turned into a swan.
He smiles and pats her on the brown patch, which makes her squack in a way that doesn't honestly sound very different from how she would respond to Jared touching her hair as a human. He almost says something, asks how she is or what the baby is like. He desperately wants to tell her to let Jeff know that he's not upset, that he can come and see Jared, too. He knows his brother will be mortified by the mess he's caused, too proud to visit Jared without being expressly invited.
Of course, he can't say any of this out loud, and it's hard to tell if his sister is understanding his wild gestures and pleading expressions on account of her being a bird.
"Are you hoping the swan is going to dance with you?"
Jared turns to see Jensen standing behind him, one eyebrow raised and an incredibly amused expression on his face. Jared wishes the lake would extend just a few more feet, swallow him up so he doesn't have to face the reality that his perfect prince just caught him trying to communicate with an animal.
"I've been looking for you, David," he says.
Jared shakes his head, and Jensen snaps his fingers. "Oh well. Dawson, maybe? Or Dean? Dennis? Am I even close?"
He lets his expression answer for him, and Jensen laughs, waving Megan away before sitting on the rock next to Jared. "The guards said they saw you come out and I was about to have lunch so I thought I would-"
Jensen sucks in a breath then, and Jared sits up straighter, instantly on edge and looking around for whatever has made Jensen suddenly look so concerned.
But Jensen just reaches out for his hands, holds them up for inspection. Jared's palms have been bleeding for so many days that he'd honestly forgotten. It only hurts when he thinks about it, and with Jensen this close, there isn't room to think of anything else.
"You've hurt yourself again, Sammy," Jensen says. "Why?"
He looks up and Jared nods his head at the almost-complete shirt he's been working on.
Jensen shakes his head. "We have other yarns if you enjoy knitting. Spinning wheels so you don't have to handle the flax. You shouldn't keep touching this; it's poison."
He reaches out, but Jared stops his hand. The thistles are still poisonous to anyone who hasn't built an immunity to them yet, and they will be until the shirt is fully complete and the evil plant he weaved it from well and truly dead.
"You won't let me take it from you?" Jensen asks. "Is there some reason you have to use this flax in particular? It's not attractive or easy to work with, it won't make for finer clothes than I can give you."
Jared shrugs, trying to say 'that's just the way it is,' and Jensen seems to understand.
"Fine, at least let me find servants who can help you. Or me, I'll help. I'll take the antidote as soon as the poison starts in on me, it won't get as bad as it did for you. Let me help you."
The idea of letting Jensen endure that for a moment would be preposterous even if he could accept help, so Jared makes a cutting motion with both his hands, signaling that he doesn't want to consider the options Jensen is offering.
Jensen sighs and looks out at the castle. "I wish you could tell me why you do this to yourself."
Jared gives him a small smile, appreciative of Jensen's care even if he can't do much with it. The prince looks over at him with a warm but sad smile. "At least come have some food, then."
That's something he can give Jensen, so he stands immediately, gathering his things together.
"I'm throwing the Ds out entirely," Jensen tells him as he watches Jared prepare to follow him inside. "Earl? Edgar? Edmund? Edwin?"
Jared huffs a laugh and slaps Jensen on the back as they begin walking, Jensen continuing to list names all the while.
_______________________________________________________________
On rainy days, Jared works inside. Jensen has an office of his own, and he spends most of the time he isn't with Jared hunched over papers-land deeds and correspondences and other duties the king has passed on to him. He likes to hum while he works, sometimes even gets carried away and sings. Jensen's voice is as beautiful as the rest of him, rich and rumbling. It soothes Jared like a balm, making it even easier to ignore the sting of his hands.
Jensen has a large desk on one side of the room, and Jared sits in the chair by the window, knitting and looking out and listening to the idle observations of his prince, or the way he mutters unhappily at the people whose letters he's replying to.
They spend so much time there, together, focused and supporting each other, that they begin to build a language. Jared can tell Jensen entire ideas with a few turns of his wrist, and sometimes Jensen returns it in kind. There have been days where they go through hours of conversation together, and even Jensen doesn't have to say a word. It's silent but not quiet; Jared doesn't even realize until he looks back on the day that they'd both been mute.
But then there are days like this. Jensen must have slept poorly, because he's in a mood from the moment Jared walks in that morning. He's slumped over what looks like an elaborate budget, his hands carding nervously through his hair.
Jared goes straight to him before setting up his own materials, looks over Jensen's shoulder at what's troubling him.
"We're having a feast," Jensen explains when Jared points and shrugs to ask. "I'm in charge of the budget, but the numbers are off. I don’t know where. I've been looking at this for hours and I still can't see it. My eyes are swimming."
Jared leans in, and almost right away, he notices that the amount set aside for transportation of guests is not correctly distributed between the number of people being accommodated and the servants who will need to be paid along the way.
He puts his finger first over the category, then the amount, and then underlines the broken down expenses to draw Jensen's attention to the problem. Jensen rubs his hands over his eyes and blinks at the paper for a long minute before he looks up at Jared.
"You found it," he says excitedly. "Just like that? You did all of that math that quickly?"
Jared shrugs. He waves a hand at the paper dismissively. You did all the rest of it, but Jensen doesn't accept his dismissal.
He looks back at Jared and then stands, turning to lean on his desk so he can face Jared directly. "You're something else," he says.
I don't like to brag, Jared signs at him, and Jensen smiles.
"You're brilliant, you know," he tells Jared. Jared rolls his eyes, but Jensen puts one hand on Jared's cheek, turning him until he's looking directly into Jensen's face. "You are. They all-Beaver and the guards and…I know you hear what they say about you. They think you're slow because you can't speak."
Jared looks away, but he feels Jensen's hand slide down until it's wrapped lightly around his throat. The touch should startle him, should make him feel threatened or vulnerable, but it doesn't. It feels right to have Jensen's hands on him, anyway he can get them, and he looks at Jensen again so that he can see that in Jared's expression.
Jensen gives him a sad smile and his fingers rub Jared's neck lightly. "There's nothing wrong with you just because you're different," he says. "There's nothing wrong with you. My Sammy. You're perfect. I'll tear down anyone who tries to make you think otherwise."
_______________________________________________________________
"Put down the knitting needles and saddle up, Jared. We're going for a ride."
Jared's head snaps up the instant he hears it, his heart suddenly beating faster. They'd stopped at J the day before, and Jared had thought if he skips right to Jason from James, I'm going to kill him. So, intellectually, there was a good chance Jensen would get it today. But still, somehow the sound of his name in Jensen's voice thrills him like a shock of magic flowing through him.
His face must be saying a lot, because Jensen pauses, stares at him for a long time, and then his eyes widen. "Jared," he says again. "Your name is Jared."
Before he even has a chance to confirm, Jensen is wrapping him up in his arms. "Jared!" he exclaims. "I thought I was never going to get it. I thought you would end up being Zachary." He pulls away enough for Jared to see his smile, and then, as if he can't help himself, he says "Jared!" again.
Jared presses his hand to Jensen's chest, just over his heart. The way Jensen had done to him, a gesture Jared now uses as a stand in for Jensen's name, as dear to him as the nickname Sammy seems to be to Jensen, and if the prince doesn't understand that's what he's saying, well, it serves him right.
After a few moments, Jensen laughs and pulls away. "Come on, I wasn't joking. I'm gonna teach you how to ride a horse. It'll be fun. It's a gorgeous day, and you can come back to bleed into your needlework tomorrow."
Jared figures he's right-he has plenty of time to finish his shirts and one day off won't hurt anybody.
So he lets Jensen lead him through hallways he's never been down, paths that take them through the kitchen and servants' quarters until finally they step outside into an open area with stables and fenced fields off to the side.
"You didn't think all those eggs you eat every morning and the milk you drink by the gallon came from nowhere, did you?"
Jared realizes he's gaping and he closes his mouth, giving Jensen a brief shake of his head. He just didn't really think about it. Of course they have their own farmland, their own animals, and what seems like a small army of workers milling about tending to the daily chores.
He points to himself, then at the servants passing by, giving Jensen an imploring look. He can work. He knows how and he's good at it, and he feels awful now, realizing that he hasn't been earning his keep.
Jensen shakes his head, taking Jared's hand in his own for just a moment, long enough to calm him, and then dropping it with a crease between his eyebrows. "Jared, no, that's not why I brought you out here. Everyone here works fair hours and is fed and housed comfortably."
But I don't do anything, Jared tells him with their silent language.
Again, Jensen catches his hands, holding them steady so Jared can't say anything, can't do anything but listen to him.
"That's not true. I hope you know how true that isn't. How much you do for me just by-" The prince clears his throat and looks away, letting go of Jared's hands abruptly. "You're still injured. Your hands will never heal enough for labor if you keep knitting with that flax and…I don't know why you do that. I hate that you do it. But I know it's important to you. I won't ask you to stop. You don't have to do anything else while you're here. You're doing enough."
For a long second, Jensen keeps his face turned toward the ground, and Jared thinks he really upset him. Then Jensen looks up at him with a bright smile.
"Come on, Jared. You're going to love this."
He grabs Jared's hand for the third time in as many minutes, but this time he doesn't seem to be concerned about whatever made him drop it before. He pulls Jared around to the other side of the stable and calls out to a small man standing near the door.
"Osric!"
Osric turns at the sound of his voice, smiling and wiping his filthy hands on his even filthier pants. "My liege," he says, with a half-assed bow. "What can I do for you on this fine day?"
Jensen puts a hand low on Jared's back and urges him a few steps forward. "Jared, this is Osric. He's our main horse handler."
Osric gives him a salute and a nod. "I'd shake your hand, but you look kind of clean."
He's hardly more than a boy, his long black hair in his bright eyes. He looks too young to be in charge of the horses for the royal palace, but his smile is wide and Jared likes him immediately.
"Osric works for Mark Sheppard, who oversees all our livestock. He grew up in the palace, just a few years younger than Josh and I."
Osric gives Jared a sly smile. "The old man likes to pretend we’re the same age just because he rode his horse as well as I did when I was 8 and he was 16."
"This is why I never stopped Josh from tripping you into the lake. This exact kind of behavior is why."
They both laugh, and Jensen gives Osric a slap on the back. "Would you mind doing me a favor?"
"It's my job to do you favors, but I guess I won't mind too much personally, either."
"Jared's never ridden before. I wanted to teach him. I think I'll be alright giving him the basics, but since you know the horses better than I do, I thought you could recommend a good fit?"
"Well, we shouldn't put him on a small horse, should we?" Osric gives Jared a smug grin. "See, you might be taller than I am, but I can race on anything in that stable and your heavy ass couldn’t dream of it."
"Picking fights with people twice his size has been Osric's defining character trait since he was about five," Jensen tells Jared, as if he's explaining something very serious.
"Yeah, and winning them!" Osric responds, not letting Jensen spoil his chipper mood. "Harley's our biggest but he's a little temperamental for a beginner. I think Sadie would be a good fit?"
"She's the brown one, right?" Jensen asks. "With the floppy ears?"
Osric nods. "Yeah, the goofy one. Thinks she's a dog instead of a horse."
Jensen's grin is immediate. "That's the horse for Jared."
"And you'll ride Icarus?" Osric asks.
"Sure will," Jensen replies. "Could you get them all saddled up?"
"Of course, my lord."
Jared watches Osric head back toward the stable, amused by the way he seems to trot more than walk, and then turns to Jensen. He's about to say something contrary just for the sake of it, like asking just what Jensen is trying to imply by giving him a goofy horse.
Then Osric reappears leading the fluffy white horse Jensen had been riding the first time they'd met, and he's closely followed by a blonde girl leading the brown horse that must be Jared's. And Jared's heart melts more with every step they take, until the girl stops in front of him.
"I'm Alona," the girl says, leading the horse forward a little and handing Jared the reins she's holding. "And this lovely girl is Sadie."
Sadie's immediate response to being introduced is to stick her nose in Jared's face and huff, and that does it as far as Jared is concerned. Suddenly he loves horses, especially goofy ones.
Alona gives Jared a few hurried instructions on how to mount Sadie, how to steer, how to go faster, and how to avoid hurting anyone. He listens carefully, eager to be liked by the horse, and then it's time for him to climb up.
He wishes the trainers were just a bit larger so they could help him instead of just holding Sadie's head as he works on putting his foot in the stirrup and lifting himself up. Then Jensen is behind him, his hands holding Jared steady and helping to lift him, and Jared can feel himself flushing bright red all over just from the prince's touch.
"You feel okay up there?" Jensen asks, patting Sadie's side gently once Jared is finally in place.
Jared is too terrified to let the reins go enough to say anything, so he just gives Jensen a nervous nod and watches as his friend climbs easily onto Icarus' back, as easy as if he was hopping up a stair.
Once he's astride his own horse, Jensen looks over to Jared and smiles. "You look like you've got it," he says. "Do you remember how to ask her to start and stop?"
Jared nods.
"Show me."
Jared squeezes his lower legs as he was instructed, and just as easy as anything, Sadie starts walking. He only lets her go a few seconds before pulling back on the reins, signaling her to stop. He doesn't want to lose Jensen, but Jensen just laughs, says something encouraging, and then he's walking forward himself.
They go at a steady pace for half an hour or so, and then they reach a large, empty field. Jensen encourages Jared to try going faster, and before long, he's galloping alongside Jensen and Icarus, Sadie neighing cheerfully and the wind passing through his hair.
He's never done anything so fun or freeing, and Jared can't think of anything else he's ever been this good at this quickly.
They continue to ride for what feels like a long time, Jared losing track of the day, until finally Jensen gives him a wicked grin.
"You're so good I'd almost challenge you to a race. Of course, I've been doing this my whole life, and I wouldn't want to embarrass you."
Smug is not a good look on Jensen, Jared decides. He takes both of the reins in his left hand and signs race to where? with his right.
Jensen grins. "That line of trees over there, you see it? We won't go far into that forest, but I do want to show you something."
Jared nods. Then he lets his face fall, a look of sheer horror coming over it. Jensen's response is immediate. His expression goes from bright to worried in seconds, and then he's turning his face so he can see what’s behind him, looking in the direction Jared is pointing.
And Jared is off, galloping as quickly as he trusts himself to go. He hears Jensen's laugh a few seconds behind him and then the sound of another horse's hooves and a "you cheated!" yelled after him.
Sadie must have her own competitive streak, because she picks up speed when she hears Icarus gaining on her, and Jared wins the race easy. He stops his horse in the shade of the trees and waits for Jensen there, a shit-eating grin on his face.
Jensen catches up to him, still winded from laughing and looks him in the face. "You know, you're kind of a dick. You do know that, right?"
Jared just smiles his victory smile in response, which Jensen decides to read as a sign Jared does, in fact, know that he is a little bit of a dick.
"Fine!" Jensen says as he hops down off of Icarus. "I was going to help you dismount, but you can figure it out yourself."
Jared lets Sadie get a little closer, trusting the horse to sweet talk Jensen enough for the both of them. She rubs her nose against him and he pats her sweetly, pulling a sugar cube out of his pocket for her and then another for Icarus.
He looks up and sees Jared's pout and laughs. "Fine, fine," he says before stepping up to Sadie's side, coaching Jared through how to get down and helping to catch him as he does so.
They lead the horses a little ways into the forest, enough to find a lake where they can drink, and Jensen ties them to a tree by the water, giving them enough space to graze and drink freely. Jensen must know these woods much better than he knew the ones by Jared's house, because he seems to have a specific spot in mind, and he knows it as soon as they reach it.
"I brought food," he says, taking a satchel down from Icarus's side. "I thought we could…"
He blushes bright red as he pulls out a blanket and lies it down on the grass. If Jared didn't know better, he would think this was a date. He follows Jensen's lead, sitting cross-legged on the blanket and helping to lay out the fine cheeses and breads and sweetmeats Jensen brought for them to share.
As he's unloading their food, Jared sees Jensen pull out a vial of a bubbly pink liquid. He's seen the prince drink it with meals or in the morning, and now he watches as Jensen unscrews the bottle and pours it into the grass next to them.
"We'll have wine to drink," he says, tossing the empty bottle of potion back into his bag with a smile as if he and Jared are sharing a secret, and Jared wishes he knew what it was, but he has no right to ask.
They eat their fill and then Jared lies back on the blanket, lets his eyes relax as he listens to Jensen talk about the forest they're in and how he and Josh used to play in it before his brother became king.
"There's magic here, too." Jensen laughs. "I mean, there's magic everywhere, I know. We don't have very much in my family, we signed over the majority of it centuries ago. Not safe, is it? To let people who are politically powerful have strong magic, too."
Jared shrugs. His family certainly couldn't afford to pay to bring any magic that may have been latent in their blood to the surface, so he wouldn't know if he had magic in him or not.
"I have one kind of cool thing I can do. I mean. It sucks as a party trick, but it's pretty useful." He smiles. "I can predict the weather. Can't influence it or anything, but I knew today would be sunny and tomorrow is going to be overcast, and the three days after that there'll be rain."
Good for planning picnics, Jared signs, pointing to the spread of mostly eaten food between them. Jensen nods.
"But there's better magic than that in this forest," he says. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a rose petal and then gestures for Jared to follow him. When he stops, he kneels in front of a tree stump that looks like a regular tree stump until he gets down next to Jensen and sees that the rings on it are all different colors.
Jensen places the rose petal on the stump, and it sinks in as if it's drowning in water. Jared's eyebrows crease together and he turns to ask Jensen, but Jensen shakes his head.
"Just watch," he says quietly.
Within a few seconds, the tree is shifting, and Jared gasps as he watches first a few small sprouts, but they grow larger and larger by the second until Jared is looking at a whole rose bush growing out of the tree stump.
"The sad thing is that it doesn't last long. The bush will be dead and disappeared in a few hours." Jensen smiles at him and reaches out, snapping the best flower off the bush and handing it to Jared. "But whatever you take off it will last. I mean, the flower will die after a few days, just like a normal rose, but you'll still have the dead flower."
Jared watches as Jensen picks a few more, piling them in Jared's hands like a bouquet. "Be careful of the thorns," he says as he places the last one, and then he laughs at himself. "Though, I guess after that flax you handle, I must sound silly warning you against simple rose thorns."
Jared sets the flowers aside and touches Jensen's cheek, ashamed of how calloused his hands are. From the fact that they weren't really different before the witch's spell, when it was his work in the fields that roughened them. Jensen places his hand over Jared's and smiles, and his skin is soft and well cared for. Nothing like Jared's. Jared will never be anything like Jensen, and he can't understand any of this, but he can't shake the sensation that this is real nonetheless. That Jensen wants him just as much as he wants Jensen.
He wants to lean forward and kiss the prince so much it physically hurts him, but he can't be the one to do it. It has to be Jensen. So he stares into his friend's eyes, silently pleading.
Jensen chooses not to hold the gaze. "There are things about me I think you would hate if you knew," Jensen says. "I want to tell you, but I-I can't."
I'll listen when you're ready, Jared tells him.
The prince smiles, but it looks sad this time. "I know you will. You always listen to me, Sammy."
Jared points to himself, then makes a questioning motion, and Jensen licks his lips.
"Sammy," he repeats. "You want to know what it means?"
Jared nods.
"It's nothing," he says, and Jared can tell he's lying. "Just a word from a dead language. Acklonian, it was the royal tongue of my family. Used to be how nobles spoke when they were doing political business, but it fell out of favor a few centuries ago. Apparently no one thought it was worth learning a whole language just for the sake of secrecy."
Jared shows that he's still paying attention by waving his hand. Go on.
"Now only about five people speak it. Me, my brother, and the bards who taught it to us, of course. It's the bards' problem to keep track of things like that when the rest of us get lazy. I'm not that good at it. I mean, I'm not fluent. My brother is even worse. We really only needed to learn enough to say we could speak it."
Jared sighs. He didn't want to know the history of the language, and he knows Jensen knows that, because the prince is stalling. Jensen looks up when he hears Jared's huff of frustration and shakes his head.
"It's nothing, it's stupid. Just a word. I'll call you Jared now that I know your name."
Jared wants to pursue it, but Jensen jumps to his feet. "It's going to get late on us if we don't head back soon."
He gathers his roses and tucks the bouquet as safely as he thinks he can into one of the satchels attached to his saddle, and Jensen cleans up the rest of their mess. They ride back much more leisurely than they had been that morning with Jared eager to learn and test out his new skill, and when they arrive back at the stable, Osric is already waiting.
"No incidents?" he asks, taking Icarus's reins from Jensen and watching Jared climb down.
"He's quite the gifted horseman, actually," Jensen says, sounding weirdly proud. "A natural."
Jared's face is breaking into a smile at the praise before his brain has any say in the matter. He'd had every intention of staying annoyed at Jensen's evasion for a little longer, but oh well.
"Of course, he didn't beat me. I am, as you know, unbeatable on a horse."
"Oh, yeah, sure." Osric shakes his head 'no' even as he agrees with the prince.
Jared lets his head fall back on a soundless laugh, and Jensen is pouting at him when he focuses again.
"You shut up!" he says, pointing at Jared.
You're the one talking, Jared signs at him, before taking an exaggeratedly elaborate bow. Which is supposed to be a mocking "your majesty" and he knows Jensen got that from the way he huffs.
"Are you seeing this?" Jensen asks Osric. Osric shrugs, clearly not understanding any of what's going on "He's the only person I've ever known who manages to make 'your majesty' sound like an insult. And he doesn't even have to open his mouth. Incredible!"
Jared just grins and wears Jensen's annoyance as a badge of honor.
_______________________________________________________________
"I find this frustrating."
Jared looks up over the edge of his book and sees Genevieve glaring at him from across the desk.
"I have absolutely no way to know if you're actually reading or if you're just moving your eyes across the page at what you've decided is the right speed and then turning it over."
He shrugs and smiles at her, gesturing at the papers laid between them as if to say well what do you want me to do about it?
Her pout only intensifies. "I don't know! I just wanted you to know you bring me problems."
It took three weeks of absolutely no progress for Jensen to decide he was giving up on teaching Jared to read himself. He introduced Jared to Genevieve, one of three of the palace bards, and they’ve been working steadily for several months now.
Jared likes her, likes her better than just about anyone other than Jensen, and he's made incredible progress since they've started. He can read entire books on his own, with only a few instances of having to ask her to help him by sounding out a word. Sure, they're not the most complicated books in the world just yet, mostly short stories written for children, but it's thousands of words more than he knew how to read just a few weeks ago.
But then her foot brushes Jared's under the table, and he looks up to see her ducking her head and smiling, and he feels the same uncomfortable tightening in his gut that he feels every time they're alone. He knows she's been flirting with him for almost as long as he's been coming to her for help, and he has no way to explain that he can never feel that way about her.
Even if he could speak or take her up on her offer of writing lessons, it's not like he could admit that he's in love with the prince. He has no right to be.
He taps his finger on the desk to get her attention, and when she looks up at him, he presses his hand over his heart, hoping she won't misread it.
Genevieve is a smart girl, though, and she's picked up on what passes for language with Jared with ease. Hand over heart always means Jensen.
Her smile dulls. "Where's Jensen?" she asks for him.
Jared nods. He usually comes by to see them by now. Jared hasn't seen him all day, not even at breakfast.
"I don't know," she says dismissively. "Last I heard he was locked up in his room. You know how he gets."
Jared doesn't know what she means by that, but she looks concerned while also looking like she's trying to mask her concern, and that throws up red flags for Jared.
He closes his book and places it in front of her, their established way of Jared telling her that he's done for the day.
"You only just got here," she says. "Don't you at least want to finish the story you're on?"
Jared shakes his head and is up and out of the room before she can say anything else. He hurries to Jensen's room, unsure of what is causing the urgency, and finds the door closed.
He knocks, and after a long moment, he hears a gentle, "Come in."
As soon as the door opens, Jared is struck by how dark Jensen's room is. It's midday, but the heavy curtains are still drawn over the windows, only the barest rays of light peeking out on the sides. There are no candles lit, and Jensen is still in bed.
"Jared?" he says. His voice sounds odd and strained, and Jared rushes to his side to check if he's been wounded.
Jensen laughs once he realizes what Jared is doing and catches Jared's hands to stop them, shaking his head. "I'm not hurt."
Then why? Jared asks, shaking off Jensen's hold and gesturing around the room.
Jensen frowns and looks down at his hands. "I thought you would be busy with your reading lesson today," he says. "I didn't want you to see me like this."
Jared cups his cheek in one hand and Jensen turns his face into it.
"I'm not hurt," he says again. "I'm okay, really. I'm just…sick. I'm a little sick."
Jared shakes his head 'no' but Jensen nods.
"It's in my head. It's not…not real. You shouldn't worry about it."
That Jared doesn't even bother considering. He lets his hand slip down to Jensen's chest and holds it there over his heart. Of course he's going to worry. Or course he's going to worry. It's his Jensen.
"They don't know what's wrong with me," Jensen explains. "Or. Well. They do. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just ungrateful."
What's that supposed to mean? Jared signs.
Jensen licks his lips and turns toward the window, and Jared gets up to push the curtains aside for him, to let some light in, and to allow Jensen to say whatever comes next without Jared staring at him.
"I get…sad sometimes. It's. All the time, and then it'll go away, and then it'll come back. I feel so empty. It's not even-sad isn't the right word for it, Jared. It's like nothing matters. I don't know why. I don't know what’s wrong with me. I'm a prince. I have it so much better than most people, and everyone tries to tell me that, but it doesn't help. It doesn't make it go away. I don't know why I can't just be happy."
You feel that way now? Jared asks once there's enough light for Jensen to see him across the room.
"You must think I'm disgusting," Jensen says. "With everything you've been through. And here I am sitting in my castle feeling sorry for myself."
Jared sits at the edge of his bed and tucks the covers around Jensen.
"I try," Jensen insists. "No one believes that I try. I try so hard to be happy. Sometimes I just…can't."
He mimes drinking something to ask if this is why Jensen takes the pink potion, and Jensen nods.
Then he takes Jared's hands with urgency and looks up into his face. "But I stopped. I know I wasn't supposed to stop taking it, I knew this would happen if I did."
Jared doesn't want to take his hands away from Jensen, so he tries to mouth why did you stop?
"Because of you," Jensen admits, and Jared feels his face fall before Jensen adds, "The potion, it only helps by numbing me. It makes it so things don't feel as bad. But when I'm okay, when I feel happy, it's not all the way. And you…I wanted to feel it all the way."
Jared nods to show he understands, and Jensen continues, "It's worth it. Even though…even though I'm like this today. I don't feel like eating or getting out of bed or seeing anyone, and I know what everyone in the palace will be saying about me by suppertime. But it's worth it."
He squeezes Jared's hands between his own. "Don't tell them I stopped drinking it. Please don't tell. They'll be so mad at me and they'll make me. I know I'm messed up, but I just want to try taking care of it on my own."
Shaking his hands so that Jensen lets them go, Jared moves slowly, deliberately, so he can be sure Jensen is tracking his every movement. He presses his hands to Jensen's neck, the same way Jensen had the first time he told Jared there's nothing wrong with you just because you're different.
Jensen clutches Jared's shirt tight in his hands, lets out a broken sound. He whispers, "Sammy" and hides his face against Jared's chest, and Jared holds him there as long as Jensen lets him.
ON TO PART THREE
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