Has anyone, other than myself, ever made a list of exactly what you want/expect in a partner/relationship? I Figured I may not be the only one, considering, it sounds like a very idealist thing to do
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I have a sort of mental list. I never find anyoen who comes close hence my terminal singleness! I;m leanrign to be less picky now but I'm still picky. I can't help it I suppsoe i always will be!
Every time i'm single, i stay single for a very long time, until i get to the point where i decide the list doesn't matter, and end up in a crappy relationship.
I am not so sure about that. I think it is good to think about what you want regardless.
I just really want exactly what i'm looking for, and settling for something less, will never seem to bring me true happiness.
Is it a fixed list? Is it long?
I think people change over time and have a certain range of adjustability. I am sure that different combinations of traits might work for me, though they would mean a relationship would develop in a different way.
we drive each other crazy with our differences
I think you need to have enough in common to really communicate well. However, I also think that given that other differences can be overcome, and it is largely a matter of dealing with them.
he is of course lacking a few things on the list
Would you be more specific or rather not?
he has violated a few things that i would never like to see in a partner (such as drug use)You may have a good reason not to like that. I would not easily accept drug use
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Well, those wishes seem reasonable, and you describe your boyfriend as if he is not very mature.
Now, let's see what misunderstandings might occur. He might have more feelings than you realise, but if he does not respect yours, there is something wrong. He is probably more orderly than you are, agreeing about a reasonable compromise might help prevent that you cross each other's tolerance boundaries. I find it highly unusual for an INTJ to want someone to be like anyone else--that seems out of character. I will assume that "appreciate" does not hold the expectation of walking around on eggshells.
I hope I do not sound too critical.. I am not implying you are doing anything wrong, I don't know you or your situation, I am just thinking out loud about things that might go wrong in a relationship that could on an abstract level be described as how you did. :) And I don't want to pry.
i would be highly embarrassed by people seeing how picky i amThat is an interesting statement to make. FTR, I first got a girlfriend at 30, so I am not
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he seems pretty mature, perhaps i am the immature one. He just doesn't understand me, or love me on the levels that i want to be loved and understood, and i know that is irrational, but its how i feel.
And he seriously seems emotionless. No matter how i am feeling, he always seems to act the same. When i'm pissed off at him, or when i'm head over hills in love with him kissing on him, he always shows the same emotion...which is nothing.
sort of depressing for someone who has a lot of emotion.
i totally understand all of that, because my list has things like that, that need to be explained, and someone who is ambitious is also on my list. I just want someone who is just as ambitious as me, and i almost require someone who has intelligence in logic and math, because i'm highly lacking in those areas of intelligence!
Like melloncollieclo, I have a sort of mental list. It is fairly long, but I am more flexible on some items than others. Let's say that I have a handful of absolute "musts." Then I have a large number of items that range in importance, but the presence of some of them can compensate for the absence of others -- something like "one from Column A can compensate for the absence of three from Column B."
For example, any significant other of mine should be supportive of my creative endeavors, which are singing and writing. That is completely non-negotiable. I'd like for my significant other to be interested in buying a house in a streetcar suburb, as I am, but that's not necessary if other things are present.
I just really want exactly what i'm looking for, and settling for something less, will never seem to bring me true happiness. Same with me.
A lot of people take a (relatively) practical approach to relationships and marriage. I don't: I find it more isolating and unhappy to be in a less-than-excellent relationship than to be single.
yeah i know exactly what you are talking about. I also have a few things that are musts like absolutely no drug use..and then i have things that i can go with or without..such as being spontaneous.
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the list is my only way to happiness.
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I am not so sure about that. I think it is good to think about what you want regardless.
I just really want exactly what i'm looking for, and settling for something less, will never seem to bring me true happiness.
Is it a fixed list? Is it long?
I think people change over time and have a certain range of adjustability. I am sure that different combinations of traits might work for me, though they would mean a relationship would develop in a different way.
we drive each other crazy with our differences
I think you need to have enough in common to really communicate well. However, I also think that given that other differences can be overcome, and it is largely a matter of dealing with them.
he is of course lacking a few things on the list
Would you be more specific or rather not?
he has violated a few things that i would never like to see in a partner (such as drug use)You may have a good reason not to like that. I would not easily accept drug use ( ... )
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Now, let's see what misunderstandings might occur. He might have more feelings than you realise, but if he does not respect yours, there is something wrong. He is probably more orderly than you are, agreeing about a reasonable compromise might help prevent that you cross each other's tolerance boundaries. I find it highly unusual for an INTJ to want someone to be like anyone else--that seems out of character. I will assume that "appreciate" does not hold the expectation of walking around on eggshells.
I hope I do not sound too critical.. I am not implying you are doing anything wrong, I don't know you or your situation, I am just thinking out loud about things that might go wrong in a relationship that could on an abstract level be described as how you did. :) And I don't want to pry.
i would be highly embarrassed by people seeing how picky i amThat is an interesting statement to make. FTR, I first got a girlfriend at 30, so I am not ( ... )
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And he seriously seems emotionless. No matter how i am feeling, he always seems to act the same. When i'm pissed off at him, or when i'm head over hills in love with him kissing on him, he always shows the same emotion...which is nothing.
sort of depressing for someone who has a lot of emotion.
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For example, any significant other of mine should be supportive of my creative endeavors, which are singing and writing. That is completely non-negotiable. I'd like for my significant other to be interested in buying a house in a streetcar suburb, as I am, but that's not necessary if other things are present.
I just really want exactly what i'm looking for, and settling for something less, will never seem to bring me true happiness.
Same with me.
A lot of people take a (relatively) practical approach to relationships and marriage. I don't: I find it more isolating and unhappy to be in a less-than-excellent relationship than to be single.
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hear hear. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I'm much happier single than I ever was when I was with a crappy guy.
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