it would be nice to get back to something normal and benign. something calm. it's calm now but that's only because of the come down. but i guess i'd only be fooling myself if i couldn't see that, in my life, coming down from hard drugs numb out in the sun IS normal. two mccafes, a quick clean sweep of the house before my family gets home, a lot of ( Read more... )

step1: pay off credit card debt
step2: make sure rent is paid
step3: no delivery food ever
step4: drink only while painting
step5: put away savings for athens, georgia

dug myself into a pretty deep k-hole last night. i couldn't see. the shape and heights of our courtyard had been contorted. i took all the strength i had to crawl down the basement stairs and wrench open the door that i might puke in the toilet instead of outside. and all the while i lay there spitting and gagging my guest was arriving. the night's ( Read more... )

#1: somedays essential to my survival, tripling both my rate of breath and bouts of agony.
#2: tailor made for each other.

you.

i definitely find pieces if you to be extremely unattractive.
but in blocking out those parts
i found you perfect.

i've thought about a lot of terrible things today ( Read more... )

just remembering, rereading something i used to feel or have faith in

sets the sides of my skull on fire. 
there's a heaviness, a dull pain, a hot & hard pressure like this iron clamp that sometimes i truly wish would crush my head.

but that would be far too easy
and it would not become me.

existence is such a painful experience. exposition hurts. an accurate perception of one's self is damning. i need a drink so terribly that i feel guilt. my room is filth, my body is filth, and my thoughts are filth just as my very birth was filth. most days i am this lifeless bum only burdened by the knowledge that others can see and hear me. my ( Read more... )

i need a cigarette.
or like
any human contact maybe.

i need to see a guy about some oxycodone. 

 your eyes were closed as i held you on the floor. cradling your head in my lap, i wiped the vomit from your face in a gentle manner. you'd shiver and you'd shake and i'd delicately stroke your hair. i wanted you to get better. and i really had confirmed to myself: this is not work. this not a bother. i am happy to be here, taking care of you. why ( Read more... )