[SPN, 1/2] no one takes your freedom
Probably the rawest thing I've ever written, but I really had to get it out. Basically following Season 4 of SPN through the eyes of one Jimmy Novak, better known as the guy who was the guy before he became Cas's meatsuit.
Title: no one takes your freedom (part 1 of 2)
Fandom: That show about dick angels Supernatural
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Jimmy Novak & family, Castiel, the Winchesters, Zachariah, Uriel, Anna, Chuck and other people involved in season 4. Oh, and then there's the whole Castiel → Dean thing and vague Jimmy/Castiel? IDK IDK IDK. Mostly Castiel → Dean though.
Warning: Spoilers for all of season 4, some parts of season 5 and mentions of Castiel's 'Heaven' in season 6. Also terrible KB-level English.
Notes: I... I really don't know what I'm doing. Oh, and title comes from the prompt for January 27th 2011 from 31_days.
no one takes your freedom.
part one, 5829 / 11333 words
It had hurt at first, being possessed by an angel. It wasn’t as pleasant as one might have expected it to be-how could it be, when you could feel both fire and ice threading through your veins simultaneously? That was what it felt like to Jimmy Novak, as Grace poured through his blood like lava and liquid nitrogen at the same time, his entire body combusting and freezing as the angel Castiel entered his body and claimed it as its own vessel to walk the earth. Jimmy would have screamed if he had been able to, but the angel had already slipped inside, blocking out the pain effortlessly and the resulting relief had made the pain a distant memory already. The process had only been but a moment, he knew, but yet it had felt like forever, with light blinding his eyes while the whispers sharpened themselves into the screeching cry he first heard when Castiel talked to him through his television those few months earlier.
Only now that he could begin to make out the cries, the whispers of the other angels as Castiel settled into his body. He heard their stirrings, the restlessness of the younger angels amongst the Host who belonged to Castiel’s garrison up in Heaven. He heard the faint hushes of the older angels who only watched and observed as Castiel raised his hand and flexed it experimentally, feeling every movement of muscle and tendon, seeing the bones moving under skin and flesh. Seemingly satisfied, he lowered back the hand as Jimmy felt a sense of acknowledgement sent towards the connection that linked the angel to the rest of the host-a confirmation that he had obtained his vessel, and was ready to proceed with his mission.
What mission? He wondered, but received no response in return, not from the one who controlled his body now. Castiel was still silent, and continued to remain so as the front door behind them clicked open and Jimmy heard the worried tone in his daughter’s voice. “Daddy?”
They-Castiel-turned around, head inclined as the angel studied his daughter with a frown on his face. Jimmy could feel the small surge of confusion that came from Castiel, and he tried to help as he explained. She’s my daughter, Castiel.
There was still no response from Castiel, however, although Jimmy felt his head raising up a little higher before his body turned back to face the road ahead of them. Jimmy wanted to say something again-tell her that she’ll be okay, tell her that I’ll be back-but then the angel opened his mouth to speak and he found himself literally stopped at the words that came out from his mouth. “I am not your father.”
The abrupt difference in his voice barely registered to Jimmy at all, not so much as the words the angel had said. He was still recovering from his shock as Castiel started to move, walking down the path out of his house and away from the sight of his daughter. As soon as he realized that Jimmy recovered and started to pound himself against the unearthly power that was Castiel, shouting and raging at it with words he wouldn’t have ever expect himself to use. Castiel-that was not what the angel should have said! With words like that, he wouldn’t ever be able to face his family again, not like this-
Castiel! he demanded, continuing to pound in his mind without pause. What’s the meaning of this?!
But still Castiel said nothing, and Jimmy could only find himself helpless to the angel’s work as the sound of wings beat the air once with a thunderous echo that rang in his ears and the both of them vanish from the human eye.
All it took was a blink, and then suddenly Jimmy found himself before a shabby, rundown shed which looked pretty much like something anybody would just past by and never give it a second glance, Jimmy himself included.
Jimmy, of course, was as confused as hell and wanted more answers in addition to the others that he wanted. Why did Castiel bring him here? What was this mission the other angels were going on about? Just what was going on? Even though it had only been a few minutes Jimmy had the distinct feeling that he was chewing more than he could have-then again, when an angel was processing your body that should be something of a sign that something was off. Jimmy was more than pleased to be chosen for something like this-this holy mission, this sacred pilgrimage that only few would ever be able to do, but now a part of him wasn’t sure just what he had gotten himself into.
There was no time for him to ask however, as Castiel started to move before Jimmy could speak, a single thread of Grace sparking the air and sending the winds howling into frenzy. Loose boards from the roof banged and flapped against the frame, and as they neared the door the angel raised his hand to make it open, the wooden doors slowly swinging open as they stepped in. Sparks skittered down from above, raining across his skin and clothes and hair-Jimmy knew that they should hurt, but somehow he couldn’t feel anything at all. Castiel, of course, only remained unflinching and continued to walk forward.
Even with the dim lighting now Jimmy could still make out the two figures who were before them-two men, one of them notably older than the other. Jimmy wasn’t quite sure at all what to make of anything or said two men when they started to fire their guns at him. The pain never even registered, and judging from Castiel’s lack of flinching Jimmy was pretty certain that it had just taken the bullets like they were nothing and healed his body back up without so much as a thought.
So what, I’m just a meatsuit? Jimmy asked aloud, not really expecting a response now; and neither did he get one as the angel turned his head to look at the younger man and-and Jimmy paused as he felt a strange stirring from Castiel when the angel laid eyes properly on him, and suddenly Jimmy knew the younger man’s name, as if he had known him since forever.
Dean Winchester.
“Who are you?” Dean asked, voice all tense and on edge as he looked at Castiel with wary eyes.
To Jimmy’s surprise, Castiel did respond. “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”
Perdition?
“Yeah,” Dean returned, sounding utterly disbelieving, “Thanks for that.” That was something which both Jimmy and Castiel picked up, and something that seemed to make the angel confused all over again. That confusion was probably the only reason why Castiel didn’t even move an inch when the knife came running into his heart, plunging through skin and muscle and Jimmy couldn’t help but wince, because he technically just died twice in a matter of minutes. Take better care of my body, would you?
I apologize.
Jimmy paused, startled that Castiel was actually replying to him. The angel glanced down at the knife lodged in his chest, reaching up and pulling it out with another thought. Jimmy felt the wound healing up instantly as Castiel dropped the knife to the ground, and then they were looking back up into Dean’s now wide-eyed expression of shock.
What just happened? Jimmy asked before he could stop himself.
The annoyance was evident in Castiel’s response, although Jimmy found himself more concerned about the words rather than the delivery. He believed that I was a demon.
Demons existed in the world, too? Jimmy paused, taken aback by yet even more startling info and found his entire world flipped upside down once more, barely noticing Castiel moving in the next few moments as the elder man tried to attack them and was quickly put out with a brush of fingers and the whisper of Grace. Angels and demons and heaven and hell-he had believed, but to think that they were real-
Of course they are real, the angel replied with a bit more annoyance before there was a frown and Castiel spoke aloud. “We need to talk, Dean.” A pause as the angel looked down back at the other unconscious man before adding on. “Alone.”
They were far away now from that barn, out elsewhere Jimmy couldn’t recognize at all and he was pretty certain that he was at another continent entirely, what with the angel’s ability to take them anywhere with just a thought. Castiel was silent again even as he gazed at the distance before them, hearing nothing but the night itself. Considering everything that had happened, Jimmy figured that now would be a bad time to ask questions.
(“Who are you?” Dean had asked.
“Castiel.”
“I mean what are you?”
Castiel raised his head to stare at Dean straight in the eye and replied in the most confident voice Jimmy had heard from the angel so far. “I’m an angel of the Lord.”)
He doesn’t believe, Jimmy faintly heard from Castiel, the angel feeling incredibly frustrated. Jimmy supposed he could relate in a way, but he was a bit more towards Dean’s side. Still, he did emphasize with the angel a little. He had only seen bits and pieces of the things that Castiel had flashing across, memories of Hell that burned with fire and brimstones and echoes of damned souls pleading for salvation and mercy. Mercy they would never and could never get there, no matter what. Even if they were mere flashes, they were terrifying enough for Jimmy. He could only wonder how was it that Dean was still okay the way he was, if he had been there until Castiel pulled him out.
(Dean sucked in a breath, pushing himself back up on the ground to stand on his feet at he looked back at Castiel, the expression on his face set into an unreadable expression.
“Get the hell out of here,” he breathed out, voice grating out through clenched teeth. “There’s no such thing.”
Castiel rounded on Dean, and Jimmy felt another tinge of annoyance from the angel even as he replied evenly. “This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.”
After he said that Jimmy felt Grace slipping out again, and the next thing he knew lightning was flashing and in the reflection of Dean’s eyes he saw the shadows of Castiel’s wings against the wall of the shed, the black shapes a stark contrast to the intense light.)
Jimmy made a mental shrug. Lots of people don’t believe, he went in an attempt to be comforting. Just give him time.
Castiel sighed in response. Time is what the world lacks now.
(“Some angel you are,” Dean went a while later, once the quiet shock had ridden over him. “You burned out that poor woman’s eyes.”
The angel let out a breath, making a small shrug as he took a few steps closer to Dean. “I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be… overwhelming to humans. And so can my real voice-but you already knew that.”
Jimmy found himself confused at that. What about me?
“You mean the gas station and the motel?” the wariness had crept back into Dean’s voice again. “That was you talking?”
Castiel nodded.
Dean made a vaguely unimpressed face. “Buddy, next time, lower the volume.”
“That was my mistake,” Castiel admitted, sighing quietly. “Certain people-special people-can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them.” A pause, and then the angel added on. “I was wrong.”
Well. At least that answered his question.
Dean scoffed, face twisting as he just about sneered at Castiel. “And what ‘visage’ are you in now, huh? What… holy tax accountant?”
I am not an accountant- Jimmy started, but then stopped when he remembered that Dean wouldn’t hear him anyway.
Castiel on the other hand looked down at his body for a moment before glancing back up. “This? This is… a vessel.”
If anything, that answer only made Dean more suspicious if his answer was anything to go by. “You’re possessing some poor bastard?”
“He’s a devout man.” Castiel replied, voice even again. “He… actually prayed for this.”
Not exactly.
“Look, pal,” Dean instantly replied, voice almost a snap. “I’m not buying what you’re selling so who are you, really?”
Jimmy felt the confusion in the angel again, feeling a frown crossing his face as Castiel tilted his head and stared at Dean. Suddenly Jimmy found himself hearing whispers and echoes of cries and screams, sobs and pleas for mercy amongst the scattered sounds of explosions and gunshots and then all Jimmy could feel was pain and a crushing darkness so deep he wasn’t sure if he’d ever hit the bottom.)
What do you mean? Jimmy asked the angel, even though he knew it was most likely a bad idea to do so.
(“I told you,” he faintly registered Castiel saying that even as the sensations continued to wash across him like a tsunami and Jimmy couldn’t help but be caught by it.
“Right.” Dean paused to shift a bit, voice dipping right into the realm of cynical. “And why would an angel rescue me from hell?”
“Good things do happen, Dean.”
“Not in my experience.”
“What’s the matter?” And then suddenly, the sensations that Jimmy felt intensified even more, crushing him up without warning and squeezing him so tight Jimmy almost believed he was being strangled even though he was now only a resident of his mind. The darkness… it just felt so painful.
Castiel-
And just like that, the feeling abruptly vanished, leaving Jimmy gasping in his own mind as he heard Castiel speaking again. “You don’t think you deserved to be saved.”
Jimmy never considered himself to be an expert in understanding other people, but the expression that flickered across Dean’s eyes there and then was all the confirmation that Jimmy needed to know that what Castiel said was true.
He had never seen anybody with eyes that broken before.)
Dean is the righteous man, Castiel replied with a resounding finality, as if that was the only answer that he needed.
(“Why d’you do it?” Dean finally asked after the moment passed, voice tight and controlled.)
The righteous man?
(“Because God commanded it,” Castiel returned, voice resounding with Grace now as he started back at Dean intently, frowning even more. “Because we have work for you.”)
Castiel nodded. And the righteous man who begins it is the only one who can end it.
And that means…? Jimmy let the question hang, mostly because he wasn’t sure what he should do with the answer he would get.
I have faith. was all that Castiel said as the angel closed his eyes and bowed his head in prayer. And I will make up for the faith he lacks.
He had felt it when the seal broke, had felt it as keenly as Castiel did and had felt the sudden rush of voices in his head that was the rest of the Host talking. The earth had cried and moaned while at the same time Jimmy heard the triumphant roar of Hell as the demons took one step closer into starting the end of the world.
The Apocalypse. He had always been a believer, of course, but to have everything bringing home to him, to have everything suddenly exist before his eyes… it had been a lot to take in. Castiel hadn’t really helped on that account, what with his bluntness and lack of a proper mind-to-mouth filter. Not that it actually mattered, since Jimmy was tuned into almost everything that the angel thought and felt-one of the things that came with sharing a body with an angel, he supposed.
Still, he couldn’t help but be surprised at the surge of anger that came from Castiel when was speaking with Dean later in his dream, after the spell had been reversed and the witnesses laid to rest once again.
It doesn’t matter, Castiel had said. The seal was broken.
Why break the seals anyway? Dean asked, and the angel explained. Explained about Lucifer and the cage, explained how Lilith was breaking the seals to free the devil and kick-start the Apocalypse.
Jimmy could hear the disbelief in Dean’s voice, pick out the confusion and uncertainty and underneath all of that, denial. Denial that the devil existed, denial that there was such a thing as the Apocalypse and denial that now, the entire world was in danger and not just people unfortunate enough to meet things that bumped in the dark.
Three days ago, you thought there was no such thing as me, Castiel could only return Dean’s disbelief with the angel’s own brand of dryness, the calm in its voice hiding the building frustration that Jimmy was feeling. Why do you think we’re here walking among you now for the first time in two thousand years?
Dean replied, and then they talked and Castiel tried to stay calm, tried to explain to Dean as much as was possible but Dean only scoffed and rolled his eyes and Jimmy felt the surge of anger that ran through the angel, the angel who was frustrated and confused and irritated at the lack of concern that Dean was showing. Dean who was supposed to be The Righteous Man, the human who Castiel tore through hell to drag him back out and who he could throw back in.
Jimmy opted to remain silent as Castiel withdrew from Dean’s dream and returned back to the world in order to resume his work (whatever it was). The frustration was still there, but Castiel was doing a good job of keeping it silent. The angel was a soldier of God, one of many who shouldn’t doubt and feel and only serve the greater good. They were a far cry from the angels the rest of the world thought they’d be. Jimmy understood all of that, and more now. They weren’t pacifists; they weresoldiers, soldiers like the ones out in the Middle East and Africa and Congo.
There’s a bigger picture here.
Dean was absolutely right, Jimmy reflected quietly-these guys were dicks.
The door that slammed shut behind Dean sounded rather absolute, but Castiel paid no heed to the sound and the action and merely turned his head back, falling silent as Jimmy tried to recollect himself after everything that had happened.
What was that all about? he eventually managed to ask, even as he was still trying to make sense of what had had just seen with the angel in the days past April 30, 1973.
It simply means what it means, was the only thing Castiel had said in response before he transported both of them out of the place, and then the angel said no more about the matter.
If anything, all this only made Jimmy even more confused than before.
Again: angels really were dicks.
The look on Uriel’s face said everything both Castiel and Jimmy needed to know as they returned, even if the other angel didn’t say anything. The seal had been broken, when it could have been prevented. Because Castiel listened to Dean, because Dean was given a chance when there were other opportunities to do so. And now Castiel gave Dean that chance when he shouldn’t, and yet another seal had been broken.
Another step closer to a literal Hell on Earth.
Uriel said nothing still, although Jimmy could very well hear the scoff of ‘mud monkeys’ as Castiel brushed past the other angel, already starting to head off to the next destination the voices of the Host had given. He had been silent ever since the angel had talked to Dean, although Jimmy really couldn’t blame him-he was silent too, caught by surprise at the words Castiel had said to Dean as he thought about it himself. Thinking about it, and recalling the conflict of emotions that Castiel had felt on the angel’s end when he spoke.
I’m not… a hammer, as you say. I have questions, I… I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, and whether you passed or failed here.
It was the first time he had seen that crack in Castiel’s otherwise flawless conviction, that insistence that everything had to be done for the greater good. It surprised him, just as it had surprised Dean. In the time he had been with Castiel already the angel was nothing but convinced, so full of certainty and never, ever having a shred of doubt or regret within themselves.
Hearing Castiel just now, though, made Jimmy pause and revise his opinion. How much of Castiel’s conviction was actually real? How much had the angel done to convince that everything that was going on was for the greater good, the ‘greater picture’? Just how much was Castiel saying these things to convince himself?
Himself, because it was getting harder and harder to think of Castiel as an angel-for even with everything, these emotions that Jimmy kept feeling, these sensations; the frustration and anger and irritation… Jimmy couldn’t help but place them as incredibly human. Castiel was lost and confused and uncertain of anything right now after countless years of always being certain, and he… he was just a guy who had a family but lost it in a single second when he uttered that one word (yes) and had his world flipped upside down in a matter of minutes.
Angels and demons, heaven and hell, the Apocalypse and Armageddon. Everything was so unreal, so out of this world-and it was funny, how all of this was now starting to become normality for him now. Jimmy already lost count of the times his body had been shot and stabbed and wounded and broken; for all he knew he could have already died a thousand times, but it was Castiel’s Grace that kept his body moving, kept his heart pumping and his now angelic blood flowing through his veins. In a way perhaps he should be glad, but being in his own corner like this, seeing everything happening and not being able to do anything else about it? It was-it was just tiring. It hadn’t even been long, but it was so tiring.
Jimmy tried not to think about it though, for he had agreed, and he had said yes. It was nobody’s fault but his own, and Jimmy knew that. So he kept silent, quiet in his place as Castiel went all over the world (China and Iceland and Brazil and so many other places he’d never be able to go as a human), fighting battles and preventing broken seals and watching more and more of his brothers and sisters die with each conflict and each seal.
Is it true? he finally gathered the courage to ask nearly a week later, after one particularly exhausting battle over in Australia with more demons (another seal, more fighting, but unlike the rest this one the angels had won-but not without sacrifices; he had felt Castiel’s pain when Ayil, Sariel and Jaoel fell to the earth, the last of their Grace burning out with their lives) and the angel was resting up.
There was a long moment of silence on Castiel’s part before he finally answered. What is?
What you-what you told to Dean, Jimmy hesitated for a second, hoping that Castiel wouldn’t smite him or anything for it. Do you really…?
A sigh. I shouldn’t be, Castiel replied softly, almost regretfully. But-yes. It is true.
The question came before Jimmy could help himself. Why?
The cynicism in Castiel’s voice was as clear as day when he answered. If I knew the answer, I wouldn’t have doubts in the first place.
But what if the answers you get aren’t what you expect? he returned.
I’m a soldier, the angel replied almost instantly, voice rising for just a brief moment. Sacrifices have to be made.
Then-Dean?
Castiel was silent again, and Jimmy was almost certain that the other wouldn’t respond until he did, voice quiet and almost a whisper that even Jimmy had to strain himself to hear. I cannot disobey what the Lord commands.
Even as he said those words however, Jimmy could sense the angel’s feelings going otherwise. He doubted, and for some reason, Jimmy had just made him doubt even more.
Anna.
The name echoed in his head as Castiel turned it in his head over and over again, bits and pieces of memory flashing past his mind’s eye. Anna, who was kind and graceful to everyone in the garrison but yet fierce and powerful on the battlefield. Anna, the strong-hearted angel who obeyed orders and had never faltered until the day she ripped out her Grace and Fell. Anna, the angel who Castiel had admired and adored listened to and loved once upon a time before she Fell and before the threat of the Apocalypse loomed over their heads.
But that time was over, and those memories were nothing but recollections of a time now lost. But the hurt was still there, Jimmy knew-he could feel it as keenly as his own, the sharp pang of what was as close to regret as Castiel knew how to feel.
As strong as that emotion was-as powerful as it was, and it was powerful that Jimmy found himself stunned speechless by the force of that feeling-Castiel was still nothing but the picture of perfect calmness outside, silent and stoic as the Host whispered immediate orders to them, orders to terminate the human known as Anna Milton, otherwise once known as the angel Anael. She had disobeyed and Fell, and now she was found with the Winchesters-and now the Host wanted her dead.
Jimmy could feel how much Castiel didn’t want to do it, how the angel had prayed that it would be otherwise-but Uriel had taken the orders with sick joy and Castiel knew he had to do it, or things would not be in his favour. After Samhain, the Host had not been looking kindly on him at all. Jimmy sympathized with the angel, he really did, but he still couldn’t help but attempt to protest as they were making their way to where Anna and the Winchesters would be.
You don’t need to do this, Castiel, he tried to reason, even though he knew it really wasn’t going to work. Even then, he wasn’t going to just… let something like this happen without him attempting something.
The Host has ordered it, was the response Jimmy got, and he recognized the cold edge that had crept into Castiel’s voice. It came up more and more now these days, and Jimmy knew it for what it was; that was Castiel hardening himself, steeling himself to be the soldier that he should be, to be the warrior he had been until the moment the angel claimed his body and met Dean Winchester. This was Castiel trying to reason to himself but failing, and in the end simply killing off the part of him that doubted in order to do his duty. Jimmy had seen that happen to some of his friends before, cops and detectives and marines and many other lines of work.
It had never ended well for any of them.
Castiel, don’t! Jimmy attempted to stress, but they were already there and Castiel had shut Jimmy off, and there was nothing else he could do but watch as the angels demanded Anna from the Winchesters and their tag-along demon (Ruby, he recalled its name was). He wanted to pound against the wall that separated him from Castiel when Uriel tossed Ruby to the side and Castiel himself reached out to Sam with his fingers and put the younger Winchester to sleep, stepping over his unconscious form and reaching out for the door. Jimmy pounded against the wall even more.
Cas-
-time stopped and suddenly seemed to skip, and the next thing Jimmy knew he found himself sprawled many miles away; far, far away from where Anna and the Winchesters were. Without even thinking, Jimmy let out a sigh of relief in his head as Castiel struggled to get back on his feet after being thrown away by the banishing sigil.
He felt a mixture of emotions coming from the angel once they were upright again, and Jimmy took his chances. Cas-Castiel?
Stop talking. The tone in the angel’s voice brooked no further argument.
Jimmy decided to do just that.
He continued to stay silent after that, only watching as Castiel grew even more troubled, watched as the angel gritted his teeth and attempted to reason with the Host (and Uriel) that throwing Dean Winchester back into Hell was not going to help anything with the situation (even though Castiel himself had made that threat once)-that not was not going to get Anael.
“Dean Winchester would rather let himself go back to Hell than give up Anna Milton” he had attempted to explain. “It would be unwise to throw Dean back him, when we still need him.”
Uriel, of course, had only sneered when he heard that. “You’re sympathizing too much, Castiel,” he almost spat in disgust. “Dean Winchester is merely but a mud monkey. An ant, one of many.”
“He is the Righteous Man, and he can put an end to the Apocalypse,” Castiel shot back, and only Jimmy could hear the quiet desperation in his voice. “If we put him back in, then our efforts would have come to naught.”
“You put too much stock into him,” Uriel returned, clearly not impressed. “His time is up, and we will need an answer from him.”
“I will-” Castiel started, but Uriel put up a hand before he could finish.
“I will go,” the other angel looked up, the look on his face flashing a clear warning to Castiel. “Things will be easier for us all if I do.”
Jimmy heard the Host giving their agreement, and he felt Castiel sagging his shoulders as the angel nodded quietly. “If that is what the Host desires.”
Uriel smiled at the response, and then vanished with a beat of giant wings.
There were many things that Jimmy wanted to say to Castiel right there and then, but Castiel had told him to not talk and when he felt all of the emotions that the angel was feeling right now-there really was nothing that Jimmy could say either. It was hard for the both of them, and just as how Castiel didn’t envy Dean for the things he had to face, Jimmy himself wasn’t going to envy Castiel for everything that the angel was going through right now.
Anael has allowed herself to be defiled by that mud monkey.
Both Jimmy and Castiel heard it, but somehow the angel refused to acknowledge it until they saw Dean for themselves and saw how Anna turned to him and they pressed their lips together like they meant it.
That was the first time Jimmy felt the angel feeling jealously and want, and he wasn’t sure what to say about it.
Just like when Castiel first entered his body, Jimmy had a feeling this was way over his head.
Castiel stayed silent in the aftermath of everything, after Anna (Anael, Jimmy corrected himself) stole her Grace back from Uriel and had fled into hiding. Uriel was less then pleased with how things had turned out, and spent his time cursing those ‘despicable, filthy mud monkeys’ as Castiel sought revelation and heard the Host’s immense disapproval.
You failed again, Castiel, they had whispered, and Jimmy keenly felt the shame that the angel was feeling. You allowed Anael to escape, and you did not take out Alistair.
I was weak, Castiel had replied, voice quiet. I will not do so again.
Your sympathies are clouding your judgement, Castiel,the Host cautioned, You cannot let that happen.
I understand.
Uriel will take over your duties, as punishment for this failure.
Castiel bowed his head. If that is what the Host commands, I will accept it.
Jimmy didn’t expect to be seeing Dean Winchester again, not so soon-and most certainly not the very same night. But he was there; or rather, Castiel was there. He was, as always, just an observer and a watcher, an audience of one within his own body.
He had to ask though, because he couldn’t help it (again). What are we doing here, Castiel?
Again, there was no answer, and Jimmy bit back a sigh in his mind as he looked at where the angel was looking-down at the bed where Dean Winchester was sleeping and dreaming a nightmare, from the difficult expression that crossed the man’s face.
What’s going on?” he asked.
He’s remembering Hell, was all that Castiel said before he reached out with one hand and gently brushed fingers across Dean’s forehead. The moment he did that, the expression vanished entirely and Dean sank back into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. It didn’t take much after that for Jimmy to put two and two together.
“You’re still sympathizing, Castiel.”
And neither did Uriel, from the sound of it.
Castiel turned around to face the other angel, face an expression of blank neutrality. “It would not help us if Dean is not in the best state of mind to do his duty.”
Uriel’s face twisted into a sneer. “He deserves it.”
In another time Castiel would have said something in response to that-and Jimmy could feel something bubbling right under the surface-but Castiel held his tongue and only looked at the other angel, staying silent.
Seemingly satisfied with the silence, Uriel turned right back around and spoke through the Host. There is more work to be done, Castiel. We must go.
I understand. Castiel replied with a bow of his head, turning around as well in order to leave-but not before he turned back to cast one last look at Dean when he could help it, but after that they were gone in a flash of wings and unfurled Grace.
He’s not supposed to tell them. He shouldn’t. This seal was too complicated, and the warding was keeping them all away. The Host has already moved on and given up, fighting other more important battles, seals that had more chance of being saved.
He’s not supposed to tell them.
But Castiel does anyway, even against orders.
The Host was not pleased, but capturing Alistair and preventing a seal spared Castiel from any punishment.
This was a victory, Jimmy heard the angel say to Dean.
The response Dean gave to Castiel though made him feel otherwise.
PART TWO HERE
Title: no one takes your freedom (part 1 of 2)
Fandom: That show about dick angels Supernatural
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Jimmy Novak & family, Castiel, the Winchesters, Zachariah, Uriel, Anna, Chuck and other people involved in season 4. Oh, and then there's the whole Castiel → Dean thing and vague Jimmy/Castiel? IDK IDK IDK. Mostly Castiel → Dean though.
Warning: Spoilers for all of season 4, some parts of season 5 and mentions of Castiel's 'Heaven' in season 6. Also terrible KB-level English.
Notes: I... I really don't know what I'm doing. Oh, and title comes from the prompt for January 27th 2011 from 31_days.
no one takes your freedom.
part one, 5829 / 11333 words
It had hurt at first, being possessed by an angel. It wasn’t as pleasant as one might have expected it to be-how could it be, when you could feel both fire and ice threading through your veins simultaneously? That was what it felt like to Jimmy Novak, as Grace poured through his blood like lava and liquid nitrogen at the same time, his entire body combusting and freezing as the angel Castiel entered his body and claimed it as its own vessel to walk the earth. Jimmy would have screamed if he had been able to, but the angel had already slipped inside, blocking out the pain effortlessly and the resulting relief had made the pain a distant memory already. The process had only been but a moment, he knew, but yet it had felt like forever, with light blinding his eyes while the whispers sharpened themselves into the screeching cry he first heard when Castiel talked to him through his television those few months earlier.
Only now that he could begin to make out the cries, the whispers of the other angels as Castiel settled into his body. He heard their stirrings, the restlessness of the younger angels amongst the Host who belonged to Castiel’s garrison up in Heaven. He heard the faint hushes of the older angels who only watched and observed as Castiel raised his hand and flexed it experimentally, feeling every movement of muscle and tendon, seeing the bones moving under skin and flesh. Seemingly satisfied, he lowered back the hand as Jimmy felt a sense of acknowledgement sent towards the connection that linked the angel to the rest of the host-a confirmation that he had obtained his vessel, and was ready to proceed with his mission.
What mission? He wondered, but received no response in return, not from the one who controlled his body now. Castiel was still silent, and continued to remain so as the front door behind them clicked open and Jimmy heard the worried tone in his daughter’s voice. “Daddy?”
They-Castiel-turned around, head inclined as the angel studied his daughter with a frown on his face. Jimmy could feel the small surge of confusion that came from Castiel, and he tried to help as he explained. She’s my daughter, Castiel.
There was still no response from Castiel, however, although Jimmy felt his head raising up a little higher before his body turned back to face the road ahead of them. Jimmy wanted to say something again-tell her that she’ll be okay, tell her that I’ll be back-but then the angel opened his mouth to speak and he found himself literally stopped at the words that came out from his mouth. “I am not your father.”
The abrupt difference in his voice barely registered to Jimmy at all, not so much as the words the angel had said. He was still recovering from his shock as Castiel started to move, walking down the path out of his house and away from the sight of his daughter. As soon as he realized that Jimmy recovered and started to pound himself against the unearthly power that was Castiel, shouting and raging at it with words he wouldn’t have ever expect himself to use. Castiel-that was not what the angel should have said! With words like that, he wouldn’t ever be able to face his family again, not like this-
Castiel! he demanded, continuing to pound in his mind without pause. What’s the meaning of this?!
But still Castiel said nothing, and Jimmy could only find himself helpless to the angel’s work as the sound of wings beat the air once with a thunderous echo that rang in his ears and the both of them vanish from the human eye.
All it took was a blink, and then suddenly Jimmy found himself before a shabby, rundown shed which looked pretty much like something anybody would just past by and never give it a second glance, Jimmy himself included.
Jimmy, of course, was as confused as hell and wanted more answers in addition to the others that he wanted. Why did Castiel bring him here? What was this mission the other angels were going on about? Just what was going on? Even though it had only been a few minutes Jimmy had the distinct feeling that he was chewing more than he could have-then again, when an angel was processing your body that should be something of a sign that something was off. Jimmy was more than pleased to be chosen for something like this-this holy mission, this sacred pilgrimage that only few would ever be able to do, but now a part of him wasn’t sure just what he had gotten himself into.
There was no time for him to ask however, as Castiel started to move before Jimmy could speak, a single thread of Grace sparking the air and sending the winds howling into frenzy. Loose boards from the roof banged and flapped against the frame, and as they neared the door the angel raised his hand to make it open, the wooden doors slowly swinging open as they stepped in. Sparks skittered down from above, raining across his skin and clothes and hair-Jimmy knew that they should hurt, but somehow he couldn’t feel anything at all. Castiel, of course, only remained unflinching and continued to walk forward.
Even with the dim lighting now Jimmy could still make out the two figures who were before them-two men, one of them notably older than the other. Jimmy wasn’t quite sure at all what to make of anything or said two men when they started to fire their guns at him. The pain never even registered, and judging from Castiel’s lack of flinching Jimmy was pretty certain that it had just taken the bullets like they were nothing and healed his body back up without so much as a thought.
So what, I’m just a meatsuit? Jimmy asked aloud, not really expecting a response now; and neither did he get one as the angel turned his head to look at the younger man and-and Jimmy paused as he felt a strange stirring from Castiel when the angel laid eyes properly on him, and suddenly Jimmy knew the younger man’s name, as if he had known him since forever.
Dean Winchester.
“Who are you?” Dean asked, voice all tense and on edge as he looked at Castiel with wary eyes.
To Jimmy’s surprise, Castiel did respond. “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”
Perdition?
“Yeah,” Dean returned, sounding utterly disbelieving, “Thanks for that.” That was something which both Jimmy and Castiel picked up, and something that seemed to make the angel confused all over again. That confusion was probably the only reason why Castiel didn’t even move an inch when the knife came running into his heart, plunging through skin and muscle and Jimmy couldn’t help but wince, because he technically just died twice in a matter of minutes. Take better care of my body, would you?
I apologize.
Jimmy paused, startled that Castiel was actually replying to him. The angel glanced down at the knife lodged in his chest, reaching up and pulling it out with another thought. Jimmy felt the wound healing up instantly as Castiel dropped the knife to the ground, and then they were looking back up into Dean’s now wide-eyed expression of shock.
What just happened? Jimmy asked before he could stop himself.
The annoyance was evident in Castiel’s response, although Jimmy found himself more concerned about the words rather than the delivery. He believed that I was a demon.
Demons existed in the world, too? Jimmy paused, taken aback by yet even more startling info and found his entire world flipped upside down once more, barely noticing Castiel moving in the next few moments as the elder man tried to attack them and was quickly put out with a brush of fingers and the whisper of Grace. Angels and demons and heaven and hell-he had believed, but to think that they were real-
Of course they are real, the angel replied with a bit more annoyance before there was a frown and Castiel spoke aloud. “We need to talk, Dean.” A pause as the angel looked down back at the other unconscious man before adding on. “Alone.”
They were far away now from that barn, out elsewhere Jimmy couldn’t recognize at all and he was pretty certain that he was at another continent entirely, what with the angel’s ability to take them anywhere with just a thought. Castiel was silent again even as he gazed at the distance before them, hearing nothing but the night itself. Considering everything that had happened, Jimmy figured that now would be a bad time to ask questions.
(“Who are you?” Dean had asked.
“Castiel.”
“I mean what are you?”
Castiel raised his head to stare at Dean straight in the eye and replied in the most confident voice Jimmy had heard from the angel so far. “I’m an angel of the Lord.”)
He doesn’t believe, Jimmy faintly heard from Castiel, the angel feeling incredibly frustrated. Jimmy supposed he could relate in a way, but he was a bit more towards Dean’s side. Still, he did emphasize with the angel a little. He had only seen bits and pieces of the things that Castiel had flashing across, memories of Hell that burned with fire and brimstones and echoes of damned souls pleading for salvation and mercy. Mercy they would never and could never get there, no matter what. Even if they were mere flashes, they were terrifying enough for Jimmy. He could only wonder how was it that Dean was still okay the way he was, if he had been there until Castiel pulled him out.
(Dean sucked in a breath, pushing himself back up on the ground to stand on his feet at he looked back at Castiel, the expression on his face set into an unreadable expression.
“Get the hell out of here,” he breathed out, voice grating out through clenched teeth. “There’s no such thing.”
Castiel rounded on Dean, and Jimmy felt another tinge of annoyance from the angel even as he replied evenly. “This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.”
After he said that Jimmy felt Grace slipping out again, and the next thing he knew lightning was flashing and in the reflection of Dean’s eyes he saw the shadows of Castiel’s wings against the wall of the shed, the black shapes a stark contrast to the intense light.)
Jimmy made a mental shrug. Lots of people don’t believe, he went in an attempt to be comforting. Just give him time.
Castiel sighed in response. Time is what the world lacks now.
(“Some angel you are,” Dean went a while later, once the quiet shock had ridden over him. “You burned out that poor woman’s eyes.”
The angel let out a breath, making a small shrug as he took a few steps closer to Dean. “I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be… overwhelming to humans. And so can my real voice-but you already knew that.”
Jimmy found himself confused at that. What about me?
“You mean the gas station and the motel?” the wariness had crept back into Dean’s voice again. “That was you talking?”
Castiel nodded.
Dean made a vaguely unimpressed face. “Buddy, next time, lower the volume.”
“That was my mistake,” Castiel admitted, sighing quietly. “Certain people-special people-can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them.” A pause, and then the angel added on. “I was wrong.”
Well. At least that answered his question.
Dean scoffed, face twisting as he just about sneered at Castiel. “And what ‘visage’ are you in now, huh? What… holy tax accountant?”
I am not an accountant- Jimmy started, but then stopped when he remembered that Dean wouldn’t hear him anyway.
Castiel on the other hand looked down at his body for a moment before glancing back up. “This? This is… a vessel.”
If anything, that answer only made Dean more suspicious if his answer was anything to go by. “You’re possessing some poor bastard?”
“He’s a devout man.” Castiel replied, voice even again. “He… actually prayed for this.”
Not exactly.
“Look, pal,” Dean instantly replied, voice almost a snap. “I’m not buying what you’re selling so who are you, really?”
Jimmy felt the confusion in the angel again, feeling a frown crossing his face as Castiel tilted his head and stared at Dean. Suddenly Jimmy found himself hearing whispers and echoes of cries and screams, sobs and pleas for mercy amongst the scattered sounds of explosions and gunshots and then all Jimmy could feel was pain and a crushing darkness so deep he wasn’t sure if he’d ever hit the bottom.)
What do you mean? Jimmy asked the angel, even though he knew it was most likely a bad idea to do so.
(“I told you,” he faintly registered Castiel saying that even as the sensations continued to wash across him like a tsunami and Jimmy couldn’t help but be caught by it.
“Right.” Dean paused to shift a bit, voice dipping right into the realm of cynical. “And why would an angel rescue me from hell?”
“Good things do happen, Dean.”
“Not in my experience.”
“What’s the matter?” And then suddenly, the sensations that Jimmy felt intensified even more, crushing him up without warning and squeezing him so tight Jimmy almost believed he was being strangled even though he was now only a resident of his mind. The darkness… it just felt so painful.
Castiel-
And just like that, the feeling abruptly vanished, leaving Jimmy gasping in his own mind as he heard Castiel speaking again. “You don’t think you deserved to be saved.”
Jimmy never considered himself to be an expert in understanding other people, but the expression that flickered across Dean’s eyes there and then was all the confirmation that Jimmy needed to know that what Castiel said was true.
He had never seen anybody with eyes that broken before.)
Dean is the righteous man, Castiel replied with a resounding finality, as if that was the only answer that he needed.
(“Why d’you do it?” Dean finally asked after the moment passed, voice tight and controlled.)
The righteous man?
(“Because God commanded it,” Castiel returned, voice resounding with Grace now as he started back at Dean intently, frowning even more. “Because we have work for you.”)
Castiel nodded. And the righteous man who begins it is the only one who can end it.
And that means…? Jimmy let the question hang, mostly because he wasn’t sure what he should do with the answer he would get.
I have faith. was all that Castiel said as the angel closed his eyes and bowed his head in prayer. And I will make up for the faith he lacks.
He had felt it when the seal broke, had felt it as keenly as Castiel did and had felt the sudden rush of voices in his head that was the rest of the Host talking. The earth had cried and moaned while at the same time Jimmy heard the triumphant roar of Hell as the demons took one step closer into starting the end of the world.
The Apocalypse. He had always been a believer, of course, but to have everything bringing home to him, to have everything suddenly exist before his eyes… it had been a lot to take in. Castiel hadn’t really helped on that account, what with his bluntness and lack of a proper mind-to-mouth filter. Not that it actually mattered, since Jimmy was tuned into almost everything that the angel thought and felt-one of the things that came with sharing a body with an angel, he supposed.
Still, he couldn’t help but be surprised at the surge of anger that came from Castiel when was speaking with Dean later in his dream, after the spell had been reversed and the witnesses laid to rest once again.
It doesn’t matter, Castiel had said. The seal was broken.
Why break the seals anyway? Dean asked, and the angel explained. Explained about Lucifer and the cage, explained how Lilith was breaking the seals to free the devil and kick-start the Apocalypse.
Jimmy could hear the disbelief in Dean’s voice, pick out the confusion and uncertainty and underneath all of that, denial. Denial that the devil existed, denial that there was such a thing as the Apocalypse and denial that now, the entire world was in danger and not just people unfortunate enough to meet things that bumped in the dark.
Three days ago, you thought there was no such thing as me, Castiel could only return Dean’s disbelief with the angel’s own brand of dryness, the calm in its voice hiding the building frustration that Jimmy was feeling. Why do you think we’re here walking among you now for the first time in two thousand years?
Dean replied, and then they talked and Castiel tried to stay calm, tried to explain to Dean as much as was possible but Dean only scoffed and rolled his eyes and Jimmy felt the surge of anger that ran through the angel, the angel who was frustrated and confused and irritated at the lack of concern that Dean was showing. Dean who was supposed to be The Righteous Man, the human who Castiel tore through hell to drag him back out and who he could throw back in.
Jimmy opted to remain silent as Castiel withdrew from Dean’s dream and returned back to the world in order to resume his work (whatever it was). The frustration was still there, but Castiel was doing a good job of keeping it silent. The angel was a soldier of God, one of many who shouldn’t doubt and feel and only serve the greater good. They were a far cry from the angels the rest of the world thought they’d be. Jimmy understood all of that, and more now. They weren’t pacifists; they weresoldiers, soldiers like the ones out in the Middle East and Africa and Congo.
There’s a bigger picture here.
Dean was absolutely right, Jimmy reflected quietly-these guys were dicks.
The door that slammed shut behind Dean sounded rather absolute, but Castiel paid no heed to the sound and the action and merely turned his head back, falling silent as Jimmy tried to recollect himself after everything that had happened.
What was that all about? he eventually managed to ask, even as he was still trying to make sense of what had had just seen with the angel in the days past April 30, 1973.
It simply means what it means, was the only thing Castiel had said in response before he transported both of them out of the place, and then the angel said no more about the matter.
If anything, all this only made Jimmy even more confused than before.
Again: angels really were dicks.
The look on Uriel’s face said everything both Castiel and Jimmy needed to know as they returned, even if the other angel didn’t say anything. The seal had been broken, when it could have been prevented. Because Castiel listened to Dean, because Dean was given a chance when there were other opportunities to do so. And now Castiel gave Dean that chance when he shouldn’t, and yet another seal had been broken.
Another step closer to a literal Hell on Earth.
Uriel said nothing still, although Jimmy could very well hear the scoff of ‘mud monkeys’ as Castiel brushed past the other angel, already starting to head off to the next destination the voices of the Host had given. He had been silent ever since the angel had talked to Dean, although Jimmy really couldn’t blame him-he was silent too, caught by surprise at the words Castiel had said to Dean as he thought about it himself. Thinking about it, and recalling the conflict of emotions that Castiel had felt on the angel’s end when he spoke.
I’m not… a hammer, as you say. I have questions, I… I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, and whether you passed or failed here.
It was the first time he had seen that crack in Castiel’s otherwise flawless conviction, that insistence that everything had to be done for the greater good. It surprised him, just as it had surprised Dean. In the time he had been with Castiel already the angel was nothing but convinced, so full of certainty and never, ever having a shred of doubt or regret within themselves.
Hearing Castiel just now, though, made Jimmy pause and revise his opinion. How much of Castiel’s conviction was actually real? How much had the angel done to convince that everything that was going on was for the greater good, the ‘greater picture’? Just how much was Castiel saying these things to convince himself?
Himself, because it was getting harder and harder to think of Castiel as an angel-for even with everything, these emotions that Jimmy kept feeling, these sensations; the frustration and anger and irritation… Jimmy couldn’t help but place them as incredibly human. Castiel was lost and confused and uncertain of anything right now after countless years of always being certain, and he… he was just a guy who had a family but lost it in a single second when he uttered that one word (yes) and had his world flipped upside down in a matter of minutes.
Angels and demons, heaven and hell, the Apocalypse and Armageddon. Everything was so unreal, so out of this world-and it was funny, how all of this was now starting to become normality for him now. Jimmy already lost count of the times his body had been shot and stabbed and wounded and broken; for all he knew he could have already died a thousand times, but it was Castiel’s Grace that kept his body moving, kept his heart pumping and his now angelic blood flowing through his veins. In a way perhaps he should be glad, but being in his own corner like this, seeing everything happening and not being able to do anything else about it? It was-it was just tiring. It hadn’t even been long, but it was so tiring.
Jimmy tried not to think about it though, for he had agreed, and he had said yes. It was nobody’s fault but his own, and Jimmy knew that. So he kept silent, quiet in his place as Castiel went all over the world (China and Iceland and Brazil and so many other places he’d never be able to go as a human), fighting battles and preventing broken seals and watching more and more of his brothers and sisters die with each conflict and each seal.
Is it true? he finally gathered the courage to ask nearly a week later, after one particularly exhausting battle over in Australia with more demons (another seal, more fighting, but unlike the rest this one the angels had won-but not without sacrifices; he had felt Castiel’s pain when Ayil, Sariel and Jaoel fell to the earth, the last of their Grace burning out with their lives) and the angel was resting up.
There was a long moment of silence on Castiel’s part before he finally answered. What is?
What you-what you told to Dean, Jimmy hesitated for a second, hoping that Castiel wouldn’t smite him or anything for it. Do you really…?
A sigh. I shouldn’t be, Castiel replied softly, almost regretfully. But-yes. It is true.
The question came before Jimmy could help himself. Why?
The cynicism in Castiel’s voice was as clear as day when he answered. If I knew the answer, I wouldn’t have doubts in the first place.
But what if the answers you get aren’t what you expect? he returned.
I’m a soldier, the angel replied almost instantly, voice rising for just a brief moment. Sacrifices have to be made.
Then-Dean?
Castiel was silent again, and Jimmy was almost certain that the other wouldn’t respond until he did, voice quiet and almost a whisper that even Jimmy had to strain himself to hear. I cannot disobey what the Lord commands.
Even as he said those words however, Jimmy could sense the angel’s feelings going otherwise. He doubted, and for some reason, Jimmy had just made him doubt even more.
Anna.
The name echoed in his head as Castiel turned it in his head over and over again, bits and pieces of memory flashing past his mind’s eye. Anna, who was kind and graceful to everyone in the garrison but yet fierce and powerful on the battlefield. Anna, the strong-hearted angel who obeyed orders and had never faltered until the day she ripped out her Grace and Fell. Anna, the angel who Castiel had admired and adored listened to and loved once upon a time before she Fell and before the threat of the Apocalypse loomed over their heads.
But that time was over, and those memories were nothing but recollections of a time now lost. But the hurt was still there, Jimmy knew-he could feel it as keenly as his own, the sharp pang of what was as close to regret as Castiel knew how to feel.
As strong as that emotion was-as powerful as it was, and it was powerful that Jimmy found himself stunned speechless by the force of that feeling-Castiel was still nothing but the picture of perfect calmness outside, silent and stoic as the Host whispered immediate orders to them, orders to terminate the human known as Anna Milton, otherwise once known as the angel Anael. She had disobeyed and Fell, and now she was found with the Winchesters-and now the Host wanted her dead.
Jimmy could feel how much Castiel didn’t want to do it, how the angel had prayed that it would be otherwise-but Uriel had taken the orders with sick joy and Castiel knew he had to do it, or things would not be in his favour. After Samhain, the Host had not been looking kindly on him at all. Jimmy sympathized with the angel, he really did, but he still couldn’t help but attempt to protest as they were making their way to where Anna and the Winchesters would be.
You don’t need to do this, Castiel, he tried to reason, even though he knew it really wasn’t going to work. Even then, he wasn’t going to just… let something like this happen without him attempting something.
The Host has ordered it, was the response Jimmy got, and he recognized the cold edge that had crept into Castiel’s voice. It came up more and more now these days, and Jimmy knew it for what it was; that was Castiel hardening himself, steeling himself to be the soldier that he should be, to be the warrior he had been until the moment the angel claimed his body and met Dean Winchester. This was Castiel trying to reason to himself but failing, and in the end simply killing off the part of him that doubted in order to do his duty. Jimmy had seen that happen to some of his friends before, cops and detectives and marines and many other lines of work.
It had never ended well for any of them.
Castiel, don’t! Jimmy attempted to stress, but they were already there and Castiel had shut Jimmy off, and there was nothing else he could do but watch as the angels demanded Anna from the Winchesters and their tag-along demon (Ruby, he recalled its name was). He wanted to pound against the wall that separated him from Castiel when Uriel tossed Ruby to the side and Castiel himself reached out to Sam with his fingers and put the younger Winchester to sleep, stepping over his unconscious form and reaching out for the door. Jimmy pounded against the wall even more.
Cas-
-time stopped and suddenly seemed to skip, and the next thing Jimmy knew he found himself sprawled many miles away; far, far away from where Anna and the Winchesters were. Without even thinking, Jimmy let out a sigh of relief in his head as Castiel struggled to get back on his feet after being thrown away by the banishing sigil.
He felt a mixture of emotions coming from the angel once they were upright again, and Jimmy took his chances. Cas-Castiel?
Stop talking. The tone in the angel’s voice brooked no further argument.
Jimmy decided to do just that.
He continued to stay silent after that, only watching as Castiel grew even more troubled, watched as the angel gritted his teeth and attempted to reason with the Host (and Uriel) that throwing Dean Winchester back into Hell was not going to help anything with the situation (even though Castiel himself had made that threat once)-that not was not going to get Anael.
“Dean Winchester would rather let himself go back to Hell than give up Anna Milton” he had attempted to explain. “It would be unwise to throw Dean back him, when we still need him.”
Uriel, of course, had only sneered when he heard that. “You’re sympathizing too much, Castiel,” he almost spat in disgust. “Dean Winchester is merely but a mud monkey. An ant, one of many.”
“He is the Righteous Man, and he can put an end to the Apocalypse,” Castiel shot back, and only Jimmy could hear the quiet desperation in his voice. “If we put him back in, then our efforts would have come to naught.”
“You put too much stock into him,” Uriel returned, clearly not impressed. “His time is up, and we will need an answer from him.”
“I will-” Castiel started, but Uriel put up a hand before he could finish.
“I will go,” the other angel looked up, the look on his face flashing a clear warning to Castiel. “Things will be easier for us all if I do.”
Jimmy heard the Host giving their agreement, and he felt Castiel sagging his shoulders as the angel nodded quietly. “If that is what the Host desires.”
Uriel smiled at the response, and then vanished with a beat of giant wings.
There were many things that Jimmy wanted to say to Castiel right there and then, but Castiel had told him to not talk and when he felt all of the emotions that the angel was feeling right now-there really was nothing that Jimmy could say either. It was hard for the both of them, and just as how Castiel didn’t envy Dean for the things he had to face, Jimmy himself wasn’t going to envy Castiel for everything that the angel was going through right now.
Anael has allowed herself to be defiled by that mud monkey.
Both Jimmy and Castiel heard it, but somehow the angel refused to acknowledge it until they saw Dean for themselves and saw how Anna turned to him and they pressed their lips together like they meant it.
That was the first time Jimmy felt the angel feeling jealously and want, and he wasn’t sure what to say about it.
Just like when Castiel first entered his body, Jimmy had a feeling this was way over his head.
Castiel stayed silent in the aftermath of everything, after Anna (Anael, Jimmy corrected himself) stole her Grace back from Uriel and had fled into hiding. Uriel was less then pleased with how things had turned out, and spent his time cursing those ‘despicable, filthy mud monkeys’ as Castiel sought revelation and heard the Host’s immense disapproval.
You failed again, Castiel, they had whispered, and Jimmy keenly felt the shame that the angel was feeling. You allowed Anael to escape, and you did not take out Alistair.
I was weak, Castiel had replied, voice quiet. I will not do so again.
Your sympathies are clouding your judgement, Castiel,the Host cautioned, You cannot let that happen.
I understand.
Uriel will take over your duties, as punishment for this failure.
Castiel bowed his head. If that is what the Host commands, I will accept it.
Jimmy didn’t expect to be seeing Dean Winchester again, not so soon-and most certainly not the very same night. But he was there; or rather, Castiel was there. He was, as always, just an observer and a watcher, an audience of one within his own body.
He had to ask though, because he couldn’t help it (again). What are we doing here, Castiel?
Again, there was no answer, and Jimmy bit back a sigh in his mind as he looked at where the angel was looking-down at the bed where Dean Winchester was sleeping and dreaming a nightmare, from the difficult expression that crossed the man’s face.
What’s going on?” he asked.
He’s remembering Hell, was all that Castiel said before he reached out with one hand and gently brushed fingers across Dean’s forehead. The moment he did that, the expression vanished entirely and Dean sank back into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. It didn’t take much after that for Jimmy to put two and two together.
“You’re still sympathizing, Castiel.”
And neither did Uriel, from the sound of it.
Castiel turned around to face the other angel, face an expression of blank neutrality. “It would not help us if Dean is not in the best state of mind to do his duty.”
Uriel’s face twisted into a sneer. “He deserves it.”
In another time Castiel would have said something in response to that-and Jimmy could feel something bubbling right under the surface-but Castiel held his tongue and only looked at the other angel, staying silent.
Seemingly satisfied with the silence, Uriel turned right back around and spoke through the Host. There is more work to be done, Castiel. We must go.
I understand. Castiel replied with a bow of his head, turning around as well in order to leave-but not before he turned back to cast one last look at Dean when he could help it, but after that they were gone in a flash of wings and unfurled Grace.
He’s not supposed to tell them. He shouldn’t. This seal was too complicated, and the warding was keeping them all away. The Host has already moved on and given up, fighting other more important battles, seals that had more chance of being saved.
He’s not supposed to tell them.
But Castiel does anyway, even against orders.
The Host was not pleased, but capturing Alistair and preventing a seal spared Castiel from any punishment.
This was a victory, Jimmy heard the angel say to Dean.
The response Dean gave to Castiel though made him feel otherwise.
PART TWO HERE