One Day at a Time
Pairing - Taecyeon/Chansung
Words - 13.6K
Rated- Pg-13
Warning - Mild cursing
Info - Chansung finds that with time everything changes. Even him.
A/N - Previusly posted on AFF as Day by Day, sly changes made from the original.
Chansung is just another face in the crowd, all dressed in sparkling blue robes and matching hats, all identical to the ones he wears over the suit his mother has gotten him for the occasion.
He looks around, a lot of familiar faces, faces which he can't match to a name, but faces he'll remember all the same. Faces he has seen on the hallways for the last four years, faces from science and geometry. From morning assemblies and one too many detentions, half of which he may or may not have deserved. So many faces, some eager and excited, others unsure and afraid. Some trying way too hard to seem like they don’t care.
Faces that would become the lawyers and doctors of his generation, the entrepreneurs and politicians. Faces he would see when he’s in the mood for a cup of coffee, or working behind the counter at a local McDonalds.
Chansung’s just another face amongst the crowd. His future as uncertain as theirs.
The valedictorian takes the stage, a face Chansung can actually put a name to, and is halfway through the well rehearse speech before he gives up on it, sighs deeply and tosses the paper to the side. Chansung chuckles, along with a few others and listens more attentively because the words that follow come from the heart, they are not rehearse or meant to please. There’s hollering and cheers when he finally steps of the stage, and Chansung joins them, he gets on his feet and whistles as his friend takes an exaggerated bow, somehow managing to keep his cap in place and giving one last big toothy grin before the principal takes over and urges everyone to calm down. Taecyeon has always known how to rally up a crowd.
Bored now that the principal has taken over, Chansung goes back to staring at the many faces, the person on the stage no longer holding his interest. They talk about bright futures, the end of a chapter and the beginning of another. Things Chansung has heard one too many times before. He’s more interested on the many faces, the ones from biology and statistics. The ones with scholarships and acceptance letters and the ones resign to the community colleges and technical schools. The ones without a plan, and the ones with one too many. The ones people say would never amount to nothing and the ones that at such a young age already have a mouth to feed.
Chansung stares at the many faces, wondering if anyone of those faces notices him.
Chansung’s staring at the ceiling, his eyes doing rounds as they follow the ceiling fan, round and around and around until Junho’s rambling is tuned out. There’s a knock on the door and Junho’s mom peeks into the room, asking if they want a snack for the 3rd time that hour.
There’s something peaceful about Junho’s home. His mom is sweet and pretty and a great cook. Junho always complains he only comes around for the food, Chansung tells him is his charming personality that keeps him coming. Junho calls bullshit on that every time; Chansung has personally reminded Junho just what a shitty personality he has.
“When are you heading out Channie?” Mrs. Lee asks and Chansung is quick to answer.
“Tomorrow morning, I want to be settle before orientation.” She nods, wishes him good luck and says dinner would be ready in a while, he should stick around, and leaves them be.
Junho is quite for the remaining of the time and the silence is unsettling, but Chansung hasn’t said anything for a while either. Everyone is gone. Somehow they all managed to find a different destination, away from home and away from each other. Chansung would be the last one to leave, Junho the only one to be left behind.
“I know she’s disappointed, even if she doesn’t say it.”
“She’s a mom. Is her job to be disappointed in you every once a while.”
“She would probably like it if Taecyeon was her son.”
“So would my mother. Sad, isn’t?” The last statement was meant as a joke, but Junho fails to notice. Chansung glances at him from the corner of his eye, and worries silently about him. Junho's always been headstrong, full of bullshit-confidence and sure of himself. Always eager to try his hand at everything, never stopping long enough to consider the possibility of having to settle for just one thing.
Junho has always been fire, passion and drive, and Chansung is not prepared to handle this defeated side of his best friend. Junho’s stuck. Junho can’t handle stuck.
It’s normal for people to take a year off.
It’s best to go in knowing what you want, rather than waste two years on general classes.
Is ok if you don’t know what you want to do. Not everyone has it figured out.
“Taecyeon is a freak of nature.” He says instead and Junho’s boisterous laugh replaces all the tension that had settled in the room.
“Maybe I’ll become an actor, she’ll like it if her son becomes someone famous.”
“Don’t come crying to me when you are starving, because the money you make as an extra on those low budget porn films are not enough to sustain you.”
“The fuck Chansung, why does it have to be porn?”
“Uh. Just fits.” Theirs a series of profanities and various things from Junho’s room thrown in his direction seconds after the words leave his mouth, and Chansung takes it all willingly. He sends a silent prayer to whoever is listening. He wishes for things to stay like this. Always. Simple and effortless. He prays that things between them would never change. He promises to himself that he would never change.
ii.
There's a phone call Chansung chooses to ignore.
He’s buried nose deep in a paper that he should have started 3 weeks ago and now he just can’t be bothered with mundane distractions such as answering the phone. His professor is a dick, the teacher assistant is useless and there’s two more classes he’s risking to fail if he doesn’t get his shit together. His cell buzzes again, a text message this time, he sets the pencil down, somewhat annoy, and looks away from the computer screen.
It’s Nichkhun. Saying he’ll be in town for another day. They should meet. Chansung pushes away the guilt that threatened to take his already foul mood to epic levels (because Nichkhun has already tried to contact him various times and Chansung always has something more important to do) and sends a reply. Sure. I’ll call you after class tomorrow. Short and sweet. He really means it this time.
Is not that he doesn’t want to see his friend. He does. He really does. It’s been a year since he’s been home, regular calls had turned into once-in-a-while text messages, and even those had become less frequent as the months when by. He’s just been busy, with life, and he really wanted to see Nichkhun and ask how well he’s doing and all, but the next day comes around and the opportunity to stay after class to make up some extra credit arises and he just can’t say no, God knows he needs it. There is a lab partner he has to meet right after and a meeting with his counselor about a scholarship he’s at the risk of losing if he doesn’t get it together.
There’s just so much going on that by the time Chansung makes it back to his dorm he’s just too exhausted to check his phone.
There’s one more message from Nichkhun that he doesn’t read until the alarms goes off at 5am the next morning.
Heading back. Hopefully next time Chansungie.
New Years day at exactly 12:05 a.m. He finds a quiet corner away from the craziness that's going on inside, and presses the phone to his ear, trying hard to differentiate between the voices that are trying to make themselves be heard on the other side of the line.
"I have you on speaker Chan-, do you really need to be that loud MinJun?!" Taecyeon's outburst is followed by some whining, and if possible MinJun's voice has gotten even louder as Chansung hears a scream (Taecyeon's?), “I love you man! So so much' you know that righ- YO!! Get the fuc-” (defenetly a drunk Wooyoung) follow by MinJun telling him how much he misses him, making Chansung wonder just how drunk they all are.
"I miss you too Hyung!" He yells back "I missed you all!" He means every word, and even more so after the conversation that follows:
He wishes he was there too, but his parents came to see him for Christmas and so going home for New Year’s made no sense. Yeah, he knows Junho is right, it doesn't matter, but he has classes in two days, so there's also that.
Yeah, he heard about Junho joining that acting agency and yes, he agrees with Wooyoung, Junho's out of his mind, but he also thinks that's the reason why he'll make it. He also adds that he still thinks Junho has a better chance as a porn start. Everyone but Junho agrees. No MinJun, he didn't stay cooped up in his room, his roommate wouldn't allow it. Yes Nichkhun, he's eating well and he got the care package a few days ago, the stack of bananas was a nice touch. No, he's not getting laid as often as he should, thank you MinJun for bringing it up, but he barely has time to socialize now that he's gotten a part time job as well.
"Taecyeon…" he says into the receiver a little more intimately now that everyone has said their final goodbyes and it's only Taecyeon left.
“I’m sorry I haven’t call…”
“Is ok Channie.”
“Yeah, but I just…”
“You are busy, yeah I know. Aren’t we all.”
“Is not that…”
“Then what it is?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” There’s a pause on the other end, and Chansung has to remind himself that it was his decision. That he shouldn’t let a moment of weakness cloud his judgment.
"Answer your phone every once in a while you little shit, you know it works both ways right? You can call to." Taecyeon says and Chansung stays silent because what can he say?
"Let's get together soon ok? I gotta g- YEAH, I'M COMING HOLD UP A SEC! Bye Channie, love you!" The line goes dead, but he holds the phone to his ear for a while longer, the response to Taecyeon's last words on the tip of his tongue.
“First holiday away from home?” Someone asks and Chansung just now notices the guy sitting not far from where he’s standing. He recognizes the face, JinWoon, the one whose house was now being used for the New Year’s bash. A few things go through his mind, embarrassment, annoyance, but mostly relief. At least he’s not alone.
“Does it get better?”
“Not really,” JinWoon says, “but eventually you become too numb to really notice that is supposed to hurt.”
Chansung does not object when a few hours later JinWoon takes him to one of the empty rooms upstairs. They don’t talk much. Don’t share much about each other either. They’ve been drinking, maybe a little something else in JinWoon’s case. He closes the door and pushes Chansung against it, already getting on his knees and Chansung undoes his belt buckle, letting his pants drop to his knees. He leans back and closes his eyes, his hand resting on JinWoon’s shoulder. Pushing away all thoughts of guilt and loneliness. He wants to feel just like JinWoon said, he wants to feel nothing.
Just this once.
He tells himself.
Just this once…
iii.
Chansung has never been big on modern art. Mostly because he just doesn’t understand it. He remembers MinJun, and the man’s fascination with paintings, bold colors and patterns. Part of him, wishes he could give him a call right now. Ask for some advice, but MinJun had changed his number and Chansung never bother to update his phone contact. It wasn’t intentional. It just simply slipped his mind.
Now he was faced with a predicament. One he brought on himself, because really, what was he thinking when he picked Arts Ed as an elective when he couldn’t even tell a Van Gogh from a Monet? Not to mention half of the so call art pieces he was supposed to be examining look like they had been done by a 5 year old during arts and crafts, but really, what did he know?
The exhibition was put together by a nearby Art school and Chansung’s grade, (and peace of mind) depended on finding out the artist intended meaning behind their work. A lot easier said than done.
He picked the least offensive of them all, a white canvas splashed with a combination of blue, orange and green, tittle Fire Works, and hope that the artist was a lot easier to understand than his work.
It didn't take long to find him, the blonde chatting it up with two girls he recognized from his class. Though he's sure there's a lot more flirting then studying going on. Chansung goes over his own questions as he waits (considering if asking how high he was when he made the painting was an appropriate question or not) while sneaking a glance at the painter every once in a while.
There's something familiar about him, but he can’t quite put his finger on it. He would have remembered meeting someone with such a peculiar hair color, so he’s sure they haven’t met before. Still, there's something about the posture…
The girls finally let him go, and Chansung moves in before anyone else gets a chance. He really needs to get this assignment done or he’ll be late for his shift. He opens his mouth to offer a proper greeting, but before the awkward hi gets a chance to leave his mouth the painter looks his way and the look of surprise in his face is only rival but Chansung's.
“Chansung!?”
The artist seems shocked, and for a moment, so is Chansung, because he knows this face. The chubby cheeks are gone, somewhat, giving way to a more mature profile. Dark messy locks had been replaced with platinum blonde hair shaved low on the sides, and the baggy sweats and Jerseys that used to be so familiar are now fitted jeans, designer jacket and a pair of shoes that Chansung is willing to bet cost more than his entire outfit.
Wooyoung.
“It’s been a long time Channie.”
It has.
A lot has happened in two years. Fail grades and dick professors. New friends, new life. He has a job now, new responsibilities. And sometimes that means missing out on some things. Like Wooyoung’s last two birthdays, and Khun’s camping trip last spring break. Sometimes is hard to pick up a phone. To make a call. What is he supposed to say? He does not want that awkward silence when there is nothing to talk about because they simply are not part of each other’s life anymore. He doesn’t want to face the fact that he has no one but himself to blame for that.
They share a cup of coffee before Chansung’s shift that evening, and he finds that Wooyoung’s clothing style is not the only thing that has changed.
He’s majoring in graphic design, and Contemporary art and should had been close to graduating if it wasn’t because he almost dropped out a year ago, and at this Chansung has to stop and asked, because, well shit.
"I know right?" Wooyoung's smile is halfhearted, cynical, and for the first time that night Chansung gets a glimpse of his old friend. “You don’t have to say anything. I know. MinJun gave me a hard time about it as it.”
“MinJun? Since when is he so caring?”
“Exactly.” They share a laugh. A fleeting moment that warms Chansung’s heart, but passes as quickly as it comes.
"Natural talent can only get you so far." He says, but doesn't add anything else, yet Chansung knows that with Wooyoung less has always been more.
What happened? He wants to ask. What changed your mind? The words don't make it out. Trying to fit 2 years of mix connections into 30 minutes is impossible, even for him. His time is up and Wooyoung is getting up and ready to leave, but Chansung is not ready to let him go. He just doesn't know how to stop him.
"Are you free tomorrow morning?" Wooyoung asks and Chansung wonders if even after all this time he's still so easy to read. "I don't have a class until noon."
He's woken by unnecessary yelling and someone banging on his door. Next to him JinWoon stirs, the sheets only covering half of his naked body and his head bury under the pillow. Chansung doesn't understand the mumbling, but he's sure it promises the death of whoever is responsible for the god forsaken noise.
"I'm coming!" He yells, a little more awake now and promises to chop Seulong's hand off if he wakes up JinWoon. That person is not easy to handle when forcefully woken, but when he opens the door, his frown is quick to disappear. Wooyoung's standing behind Seulong, looking extremely amused.
"Fuck, I forgot"
“Of course you did.”
Wooyoung didn't seem to mind, Chansung on the other hand is painfully aware of a few things. Like the fact that he's standing almost naked, with nothing on but a pair of loose boxers and his door is partially open, giving Wooyoung a clear view of the body still tangled up in Chansung's sheets. Normally he wouldn't care. Had it been anybody else.
"Have you been here long?" He closes the door, trying to not be obvious, and scratches the back of his head somewhat nervously. Is not that his preferences were a secret from his friends. He just didn't want Wooyoung to get the wrong idea.
"Is ok, I just didn't want to leave without saying bye. You have a class soon right?"
Chansung's heart sinks. He didn't mean to over sleep. He wasn't expecting JinWoon to show up either, and last night he had been in a somewhat emotional state.
"What time do you leave?"
"I don't have to be back until tomorrow, but don't you have classes most of the day?"
Yes, he does. He also has a closing shift at the coffee shop, but for once he feels like it wouldn't hurt to be a bit irresponsible. He notices Wooyoung watching him, a smile playing at the corner of his lips and he knows Wooyoung is just waiting for him to make a decision.
"You are a bad influence you know that?" He finally says, knowing that he won't be going to class today, and would probably be getting someone to cover his shift for the night.
"What's JinWoon to you?"
Wooyoung asks when they meet for pizza and beer a few weeks later. Wooyoung's school is only a two hour drive with good traffic and this was the third time the painter had come to visit. Chansung knew it was only a matter of time before the ever observant Jang Wooyoung would ask the question.
"He's just a friend." Chansung hopes the conversation would end there. He doesn't want to talk about relationships and complications. Least of all, if it is with Wooyoung.
"Does he know that?" Wooyoung retorts and Chansung tries to find the words to properly explain the situation.
"We sleep together." There really was no other way of putting it. "He didn't want commitment, I didn't need the complications of a relationship, so it works out."
"How long ago?"
"That we know each other?"
"That you've been sleeping together"
"I don’t know Woo, is on an off. It just happens. But what’s with the inquisition?”
"I don't think he likes me very much." Wooyoung simply says. "Doesn't take a genius to figure out why."
Chansung wishes he could deny it, but he knows he can't. JinWoon had gotten clingy and obsessive, and it only became worse since that morning Chansung had left him in the apartment to spend time with Wooyoung.
"I don't know what his problem is." He admits. He had been clear with the other from the start, it wasn't his responsibility if JinWoon decided to change the rules without his consent. “Nor do I care.”
Nightfall finds them getting comfortable on Fei’s couch, one of the few people Chansung has gotten comfortable with. There’s a stack of DVDs on the table, and enough cheap beer, cheese puffs, and chips and dip to last them the night. Min is busy arguing with Seulong as to which one of the avengers they should watch first, when Fei comes into the room carrying a bowl of freshly made guacamole and announces Downey Jr has precedence over everyone else. Seulong agrees, puts on Iron Man, and Chansung uses the distraction to steal the bag of cheese puffs for him and Wooyoung to share. All in all, is the perfect example of a Friday night with not much to do, and little money to spare.
They are already on the second movie by the time JinWoon joins them, a half empty bottle of Hennessey on hand, which he continues to sip on stray out of the battle as he takes the empty spot next to Chansung. Chansung glances at Wooyoung, wondering if he’s bother by the way JinWoon greeted everyone in the room except for him, but Wooyoung doesn’t seem to notice, or care.
Chansung also chooses to ignore the way JinWoon’s fingers land on his tight, the way they move up and down, teasing, pushing buttons, but been ignore doesn’t sit too well with an impatient JinWoon. He leans in, buries his face in Chansung’s neck and nibbles on the flesh.
Chansung pushes him away, annoy by the insistence, and excuses himself to go grab another beer. He comes back with two, one for Wooyoung, and rather than sit back on the couch next to JinWoon he gets comfortable on the floor next to Wooyoung's legs, and as far from JinWoon as he can. It doesn't go unnoticed by JinWoon.
Neither does the way Chansung throws his head back, leaning even closer to Wooyoung, whose fingers tangle in Chansung's brown hair, and run through messy locks until Chansung's eyes begin to droop.
He doesn't do anything about it though, not until the guacamole is all gone and Chansung decides to take a bathroom break in between movies. Jealousy and a misguided sense of ownership pushes JinWoon to do something he would surely regret later.
Chansung wasn't gone for long, a minute, maybe two, but he returns to a living room where chaos has ensued, and right on time to see JinWoon swing in the direction of Wooyoung's face. There's yelling, and screaming. Blood gushes from Wooyoung’s broken lips, and Chansung sees red. His first reaction is to throw himself at JinWoon, the next second knuckles connect with a chiseled jaw, and JinWoon's heavy body stumbles back, unable to keep his balance, or dignity, in place.
Fei rushes in with a towel and ice for Wooyoung's lips, and Seulong is standing in between Chansung and JinWoon, trying his best to not let things escalate any further than they already have. Is clear whose side Seulong's taking, as he tells JinWoon to pick up his shit and go, but stubborn to the end, rationality impaired, the younger doesn't move. Not until Chansung redelivers the message, venom dripping from every word that leaves his mouth.
"Get the fuck out." He growls, and Seulong had to put a hand on his chest to keep him from getting closer to JinWoon.
"Get the fuck out and don't let me see your sorry ass anywhere near me, or I swear JinWoon-"
"Screw you!" JinWoon retorts with only half the intensity he meant to show. "We are fucking through."
"Grow up." Is Wooyoung the one that speaks now, and if possible JinWoon looks more livid than before, but Seulong's there this time, and so is Chansung, and JinWoon knows he's going to lose. So he leaves, hiding the hurt in his eyes from an uncaring Chansung.
"It's sad how easily you are able to dismiss people.”
Wooyoung says out of the blue while lazing around Chansung’s couch one very hot afternoon. Is the beginning of summer and Wooyoung is due to go back home in a few days. Chansung as usual won’t be going. He has a summer class on Micro Biology he wanted to get out of the way before the semester began.
Chansung looks up from his desk, and at Wooyoung. What is he talking about now?
"Taecyeon," Wooyoung says and Chansung's hold on the pen tightens
“and JinWoon." He finishes and Chansung sighs, his attention back to the paper on the correlation between the two data sets he was supposed to be analyzing, which turns out was way too boring to keep his mind occupied for long.
“Last I check, it was your face JinWoon bashed in, and now you want me to go back to being cool with him?”
"So what was your reason for dismissing Taec?"
"Wooyoung..." Chansung warns because he is not getting on this subject. Not with Wooyoung.
“I don’t want to be the reason you and JinWoon don’t speak anymore.” He says, Taecyeon’s name not to be mentioned again for the rest of the conversation.
“Is not just about you Wooyoung. JinWoon has always been temperamental.”
“I don’t know.” Wooyoung says, voice low. “I guess I understand why he was upset."
“Do you now?”
“He was threatened by me, and didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Threaten without a reason.”
“You sure about that?”
There was a line that was never crossed between them, but Chansung felt like they were getting too close for comfort to the boundaries. How much longer until things were said, and a point of no return was reached? Did he even have the guts? Or better yet, did he want to ever reach that point? Wooyoung remained on his spot, his eyes searching Chansung’s face, waiting for a reaction. It was what Wooyoung did best, push buttons, find limits, imply way too much without using many words. It irritated Chansung to no end.
“Why do you keep coming here Wooyoung?”
“Because knowing you, you probably would not call or text, or communicate, unless I force my presence on you.”
“Is a long two hour drive.”
“Then make it up to me and tell me where Seulong keeps his stash.”
Chansung rolls his eyes, and Wooyoung laughs. Typical. There’s a short argument as to whether or not pleasing Wooyoung is worth dealing with Seulong’s wraths, but Wooyoung promises info on Seulong and Fei’s new relationship status, and Chansung agrees. Pretending not to be bothered that Wooyoung is better informed about his friend’s life than he is. At some point between Wooyoung taking his first puff and Chansung deciding that he would not get any studying done that night, the line finally blurs, and Chansung can’t no longer tell if it was ever there at all.
Wooyoung makes the first move. He takes one more hit before setting the joint down on an ashtray and straddling Chansung. A million thoughts go through Chansung’s mind at that moment, but the second Wooyoung’s lips are on him, everything is forgotten.
“Don’t worry so much.” Wooyoung tells him, his lips on Chansung’s neck. “This is just for fun.” An open mouth kiss to Chansung’s collarbone. “I know better than to expect anything to come out of this.” The next move belongs to Chansung and he gets up from the couch, forgetting about inhibitions and worries, and guiding a willing Wooyoung to the privacy of his bedroom.
Chansung calls JinWoon the day after Wooyoung leaves, and they meet for coffee on neutral grounds. JinWoon says he's sorry. Chansung tells him things can't be like before. JinWoon agrees is best that way. The type of relationship they used to have leaves no room for feelings. JinWoon was feeling way more than he should have. Chansung wants to remain friends. JinWoon agrees, but the look on his face says otherwise.
"What did you expect?" Fei asks him later on when Chansung had told her everything that had happened.
“Nothing.” He says honestly. Wooyoung’s words coming back to haunt him. It was sad. How easily he could dismiss it. Eventually you just become too busy and too numb to remember a person’s absence is supposed to hurt.
Chansung wishes he could tell JinWoon he finally understands the meaning behind those words and how much bullshit they actually were, but then he realizes that it doesn’t matter anymore.
Sometimes, it was easier to just walk away.
Part II
Part III
Words - 13.6K
Rated- Pg-13
Warning - Mild cursing
Info - Chansung finds that with time everything changes. Even him.
A/N - Previusly posted on AFF as Day by Day, sly changes made from the original.
Chansung is just another face in the crowd, all dressed in sparkling blue robes and matching hats, all identical to the ones he wears over the suit his mother has gotten him for the occasion.
He looks around, a lot of familiar faces, faces which he can't match to a name, but faces he'll remember all the same. Faces he has seen on the hallways for the last four years, faces from science and geometry. From morning assemblies and one too many detentions, half of which he may or may not have deserved. So many faces, some eager and excited, others unsure and afraid. Some trying way too hard to seem like they don’t care.
Faces that would become the lawyers and doctors of his generation, the entrepreneurs and politicians. Faces he would see when he’s in the mood for a cup of coffee, or working behind the counter at a local McDonalds.
Chansung’s just another face amongst the crowd. His future as uncertain as theirs.
The valedictorian takes the stage, a face Chansung can actually put a name to, and is halfway through the well rehearse speech before he gives up on it, sighs deeply and tosses the paper to the side. Chansung chuckles, along with a few others and listens more attentively because the words that follow come from the heart, they are not rehearse or meant to please. There’s hollering and cheers when he finally steps of the stage, and Chansung joins them, he gets on his feet and whistles as his friend takes an exaggerated bow, somehow managing to keep his cap in place and giving one last big toothy grin before the principal takes over and urges everyone to calm down. Taecyeon has always known how to rally up a crowd.
Bored now that the principal has taken over, Chansung goes back to staring at the many faces, the person on the stage no longer holding his interest. They talk about bright futures, the end of a chapter and the beginning of another. Things Chansung has heard one too many times before. He’s more interested on the many faces, the ones from biology and statistics. The ones with scholarships and acceptance letters and the ones resign to the community colleges and technical schools. The ones without a plan, and the ones with one too many. The ones people say would never amount to nothing and the ones that at such a young age already have a mouth to feed.
Chansung stares at the many faces, wondering if anyone of those faces notices him.
Chansung’s staring at the ceiling, his eyes doing rounds as they follow the ceiling fan, round and around and around until Junho’s rambling is tuned out. There’s a knock on the door and Junho’s mom peeks into the room, asking if they want a snack for the 3rd time that hour.
There’s something peaceful about Junho’s home. His mom is sweet and pretty and a great cook. Junho always complains he only comes around for the food, Chansung tells him is his charming personality that keeps him coming. Junho calls bullshit on that every time; Chansung has personally reminded Junho just what a shitty personality he has.
“When are you heading out Channie?” Mrs. Lee asks and Chansung is quick to answer.
“Tomorrow morning, I want to be settle before orientation.” She nods, wishes him good luck and says dinner would be ready in a while, he should stick around, and leaves them be.
Junho is quite for the remaining of the time and the silence is unsettling, but Chansung hasn’t said anything for a while either. Everyone is gone. Somehow they all managed to find a different destination, away from home and away from each other. Chansung would be the last one to leave, Junho the only one to be left behind.
“I know she’s disappointed, even if she doesn’t say it.”
“She’s a mom. Is her job to be disappointed in you every once a while.”
“She would probably like it if Taecyeon was her son.”
“So would my mother. Sad, isn’t?” The last statement was meant as a joke, but Junho fails to notice. Chansung glances at him from the corner of his eye, and worries silently about him. Junho's always been headstrong, full of bullshit-confidence and sure of himself. Always eager to try his hand at everything, never stopping long enough to consider the possibility of having to settle for just one thing.
Junho has always been fire, passion and drive, and Chansung is not prepared to handle this defeated side of his best friend. Junho’s stuck. Junho can’t handle stuck.
It’s normal for people to take a year off.
It’s best to go in knowing what you want, rather than waste two years on general classes.
Is ok if you don’t know what you want to do. Not everyone has it figured out.
“Taecyeon is a freak of nature.” He says instead and Junho’s boisterous laugh replaces all the tension that had settled in the room.
“Maybe I’ll become an actor, she’ll like it if her son becomes someone famous.”
“Don’t come crying to me when you are starving, because the money you make as an extra on those low budget porn films are not enough to sustain you.”
“The fuck Chansung, why does it have to be porn?”
“Uh. Just fits.” Theirs a series of profanities and various things from Junho’s room thrown in his direction seconds after the words leave his mouth, and Chansung takes it all willingly. He sends a silent prayer to whoever is listening. He wishes for things to stay like this. Always. Simple and effortless. He prays that things between them would never change. He promises to himself that he would never change.
ii.
There's a phone call Chansung chooses to ignore.
He’s buried nose deep in a paper that he should have started 3 weeks ago and now he just can’t be bothered with mundane distractions such as answering the phone. His professor is a dick, the teacher assistant is useless and there’s two more classes he’s risking to fail if he doesn’t get his shit together. His cell buzzes again, a text message this time, he sets the pencil down, somewhat annoy, and looks away from the computer screen.
It’s Nichkhun. Saying he’ll be in town for another day. They should meet. Chansung pushes away the guilt that threatened to take his already foul mood to epic levels (because Nichkhun has already tried to contact him various times and Chansung always has something more important to do) and sends a reply. Sure. I’ll call you after class tomorrow. Short and sweet. He really means it this time.
Is not that he doesn’t want to see his friend. He does. He really does. It’s been a year since he’s been home, regular calls had turned into once-in-a-while text messages, and even those had become less frequent as the months when by. He’s just been busy, with life, and he really wanted to see Nichkhun and ask how well he’s doing and all, but the next day comes around and the opportunity to stay after class to make up some extra credit arises and he just can’t say no, God knows he needs it. There is a lab partner he has to meet right after and a meeting with his counselor about a scholarship he’s at the risk of losing if he doesn’t get it together.
There’s just so much going on that by the time Chansung makes it back to his dorm he’s just too exhausted to check his phone.
There’s one more message from Nichkhun that he doesn’t read until the alarms goes off at 5am the next morning.
Heading back. Hopefully next time Chansungie.
New Years day at exactly 12:05 a.m. He finds a quiet corner away from the craziness that's going on inside, and presses the phone to his ear, trying hard to differentiate between the voices that are trying to make themselves be heard on the other side of the line.
"I have you on speaker Chan-, do you really need to be that loud MinJun?!" Taecyeon's outburst is followed by some whining, and if possible MinJun's voice has gotten even louder as Chansung hears a scream (Taecyeon's?), “I love you man! So so much' you know that righ- YO!! Get the fuc-” (defenetly a drunk Wooyoung) follow by MinJun telling him how much he misses him, making Chansung wonder just how drunk they all are.
"I miss you too Hyung!" He yells back "I missed you all!" He means every word, and even more so after the conversation that follows:
He wishes he was there too, but his parents came to see him for Christmas and so going home for New Year’s made no sense. Yeah, he knows Junho is right, it doesn't matter, but he has classes in two days, so there's also that.
Yeah, he heard about Junho joining that acting agency and yes, he agrees with Wooyoung, Junho's out of his mind, but he also thinks that's the reason why he'll make it. He also adds that he still thinks Junho has a better chance as a porn start. Everyone but Junho agrees. No MinJun, he didn't stay cooped up in his room, his roommate wouldn't allow it. Yes Nichkhun, he's eating well and he got the care package a few days ago, the stack of bananas was a nice touch. No, he's not getting laid as often as he should, thank you MinJun for bringing it up, but he barely has time to socialize now that he's gotten a part time job as well.
"Taecyeon…" he says into the receiver a little more intimately now that everyone has said their final goodbyes and it's only Taecyeon left.
“I’m sorry I haven’t call…”
“Is ok Channie.”
“Yeah, but I just…”
“You are busy, yeah I know. Aren’t we all.”
“Is not that…”
“Then what it is?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” There’s a pause on the other end, and Chansung has to remind himself that it was his decision. That he shouldn’t let a moment of weakness cloud his judgment.
"Answer your phone every once in a while you little shit, you know it works both ways right? You can call to." Taecyeon says and Chansung stays silent because what can he say?
"Let's get together soon ok? I gotta g- YEAH, I'M COMING HOLD UP A SEC! Bye Channie, love you!" The line goes dead, but he holds the phone to his ear for a while longer, the response to Taecyeon's last words on the tip of his tongue.
“First holiday away from home?” Someone asks and Chansung just now notices the guy sitting not far from where he’s standing. He recognizes the face, JinWoon, the one whose house was now being used for the New Year’s bash. A few things go through his mind, embarrassment, annoyance, but mostly relief. At least he’s not alone.
“Does it get better?”
“Not really,” JinWoon says, “but eventually you become too numb to really notice that is supposed to hurt.”
Chansung does not object when a few hours later JinWoon takes him to one of the empty rooms upstairs. They don’t talk much. Don’t share much about each other either. They’ve been drinking, maybe a little something else in JinWoon’s case. He closes the door and pushes Chansung against it, already getting on his knees and Chansung undoes his belt buckle, letting his pants drop to his knees. He leans back and closes his eyes, his hand resting on JinWoon’s shoulder. Pushing away all thoughts of guilt and loneliness. He wants to feel just like JinWoon said, he wants to feel nothing.
Just this once.
He tells himself.
Just this once…
iii.
Chansung has never been big on modern art. Mostly because he just doesn’t understand it. He remembers MinJun, and the man’s fascination with paintings, bold colors and patterns. Part of him, wishes he could give him a call right now. Ask for some advice, but MinJun had changed his number and Chansung never bother to update his phone contact. It wasn’t intentional. It just simply slipped his mind.
Now he was faced with a predicament. One he brought on himself, because really, what was he thinking when he picked Arts Ed as an elective when he couldn’t even tell a Van Gogh from a Monet? Not to mention half of the so call art pieces he was supposed to be examining look like they had been done by a 5 year old during arts and crafts, but really, what did he know?
The exhibition was put together by a nearby Art school and Chansung’s grade, (and peace of mind) depended on finding out the artist intended meaning behind their work. A lot easier said than done.
He picked the least offensive of them all, a white canvas splashed with a combination of blue, orange and green, tittle Fire Works, and hope that the artist was a lot easier to understand than his work.
It didn't take long to find him, the blonde chatting it up with two girls he recognized from his class. Though he's sure there's a lot more flirting then studying going on. Chansung goes over his own questions as he waits (considering if asking how high he was when he made the painting was an appropriate question or not) while sneaking a glance at the painter every once in a while.
There's something familiar about him, but he can’t quite put his finger on it. He would have remembered meeting someone with such a peculiar hair color, so he’s sure they haven’t met before. Still, there's something about the posture…
The girls finally let him go, and Chansung moves in before anyone else gets a chance. He really needs to get this assignment done or he’ll be late for his shift. He opens his mouth to offer a proper greeting, but before the awkward hi gets a chance to leave his mouth the painter looks his way and the look of surprise in his face is only rival but Chansung's.
“Chansung!?”
The artist seems shocked, and for a moment, so is Chansung, because he knows this face. The chubby cheeks are gone, somewhat, giving way to a more mature profile. Dark messy locks had been replaced with platinum blonde hair shaved low on the sides, and the baggy sweats and Jerseys that used to be so familiar are now fitted jeans, designer jacket and a pair of shoes that Chansung is willing to bet cost more than his entire outfit.
Wooyoung.
“It’s been a long time Channie.”
It has.
A lot has happened in two years. Fail grades and dick professors. New friends, new life. He has a job now, new responsibilities. And sometimes that means missing out on some things. Like Wooyoung’s last two birthdays, and Khun’s camping trip last spring break. Sometimes is hard to pick up a phone. To make a call. What is he supposed to say? He does not want that awkward silence when there is nothing to talk about because they simply are not part of each other’s life anymore. He doesn’t want to face the fact that he has no one but himself to blame for that.
They share a cup of coffee before Chansung’s shift that evening, and he finds that Wooyoung’s clothing style is not the only thing that has changed.
He’s majoring in graphic design, and Contemporary art and should had been close to graduating if it wasn’t because he almost dropped out a year ago, and at this Chansung has to stop and asked, because, well shit.
"I know right?" Wooyoung's smile is halfhearted, cynical, and for the first time that night Chansung gets a glimpse of his old friend. “You don’t have to say anything. I know. MinJun gave me a hard time about it as it.”
“MinJun? Since when is he so caring?”
“Exactly.” They share a laugh. A fleeting moment that warms Chansung’s heart, but passes as quickly as it comes.
"Natural talent can only get you so far." He says, but doesn't add anything else, yet Chansung knows that with Wooyoung less has always been more.
What happened? He wants to ask. What changed your mind? The words don't make it out. Trying to fit 2 years of mix connections into 30 minutes is impossible, even for him. His time is up and Wooyoung is getting up and ready to leave, but Chansung is not ready to let him go. He just doesn't know how to stop him.
"Are you free tomorrow morning?" Wooyoung asks and Chansung wonders if even after all this time he's still so easy to read. "I don't have a class until noon."
He's woken by unnecessary yelling and someone banging on his door. Next to him JinWoon stirs, the sheets only covering half of his naked body and his head bury under the pillow. Chansung doesn't understand the mumbling, but he's sure it promises the death of whoever is responsible for the god forsaken noise.
"I'm coming!" He yells, a little more awake now and promises to chop Seulong's hand off if he wakes up JinWoon. That person is not easy to handle when forcefully woken, but when he opens the door, his frown is quick to disappear. Wooyoung's standing behind Seulong, looking extremely amused.
"Fuck, I forgot"
“Of course you did.”
Wooyoung didn't seem to mind, Chansung on the other hand is painfully aware of a few things. Like the fact that he's standing almost naked, with nothing on but a pair of loose boxers and his door is partially open, giving Wooyoung a clear view of the body still tangled up in Chansung's sheets. Normally he wouldn't care. Had it been anybody else.
"Have you been here long?" He closes the door, trying to not be obvious, and scratches the back of his head somewhat nervously. Is not that his preferences were a secret from his friends. He just didn't want Wooyoung to get the wrong idea.
"Is ok, I just didn't want to leave without saying bye. You have a class soon right?"
Chansung's heart sinks. He didn't mean to over sleep. He wasn't expecting JinWoon to show up either, and last night he had been in a somewhat emotional state.
"What time do you leave?"
"I don't have to be back until tomorrow, but don't you have classes most of the day?"
Yes, he does. He also has a closing shift at the coffee shop, but for once he feels like it wouldn't hurt to be a bit irresponsible. He notices Wooyoung watching him, a smile playing at the corner of his lips and he knows Wooyoung is just waiting for him to make a decision.
"You are a bad influence you know that?" He finally says, knowing that he won't be going to class today, and would probably be getting someone to cover his shift for the night.
"What's JinWoon to you?"
Wooyoung asks when they meet for pizza and beer a few weeks later. Wooyoung's school is only a two hour drive with good traffic and this was the third time the painter had come to visit. Chansung knew it was only a matter of time before the ever observant Jang Wooyoung would ask the question.
"He's just a friend." Chansung hopes the conversation would end there. He doesn't want to talk about relationships and complications. Least of all, if it is with Wooyoung.
"Does he know that?" Wooyoung retorts and Chansung tries to find the words to properly explain the situation.
"We sleep together." There really was no other way of putting it. "He didn't want commitment, I didn't need the complications of a relationship, so it works out."
"How long ago?"
"That we know each other?"
"That you've been sleeping together"
"I don’t know Woo, is on an off. It just happens. But what’s with the inquisition?”
"I don't think he likes me very much." Wooyoung simply says. "Doesn't take a genius to figure out why."
Chansung wishes he could deny it, but he knows he can't. JinWoon had gotten clingy and obsessive, and it only became worse since that morning Chansung had left him in the apartment to spend time with Wooyoung.
"I don't know what his problem is." He admits. He had been clear with the other from the start, it wasn't his responsibility if JinWoon decided to change the rules without his consent. “Nor do I care.”
Nightfall finds them getting comfortable on Fei’s couch, one of the few people Chansung has gotten comfortable with. There’s a stack of DVDs on the table, and enough cheap beer, cheese puffs, and chips and dip to last them the night. Min is busy arguing with Seulong as to which one of the avengers they should watch first, when Fei comes into the room carrying a bowl of freshly made guacamole and announces Downey Jr has precedence over everyone else. Seulong agrees, puts on Iron Man, and Chansung uses the distraction to steal the bag of cheese puffs for him and Wooyoung to share. All in all, is the perfect example of a Friday night with not much to do, and little money to spare.
They are already on the second movie by the time JinWoon joins them, a half empty bottle of Hennessey on hand, which he continues to sip on stray out of the battle as he takes the empty spot next to Chansung. Chansung glances at Wooyoung, wondering if he’s bother by the way JinWoon greeted everyone in the room except for him, but Wooyoung doesn’t seem to notice, or care.
Chansung also chooses to ignore the way JinWoon’s fingers land on his tight, the way they move up and down, teasing, pushing buttons, but been ignore doesn’t sit too well with an impatient JinWoon. He leans in, buries his face in Chansung’s neck and nibbles on the flesh.
Chansung pushes him away, annoy by the insistence, and excuses himself to go grab another beer. He comes back with two, one for Wooyoung, and rather than sit back on the couch next to JinWoon he gets comfortable on the floor next to Wooyoung's legs, and as far from JinWoon as he can. It doesn't go unnoticed by JinWoon.
Neither does the way Chansung throws his head back, leaning even closer to Wooyoung, whose fingers tangle in Chansung's brown hair, and run through messy locks until Chansung's eyes begin to droop.
He doesn't do anything about it though, not until the guacamole is all gone and Chansung decides to take a bathroom break in between movies. Jealousy and a misguided sense of ownership pushes JinWoon to do something he would surely regret later.
Chansung wasn't gone for long, a minute, maybe two, but he returns to a living room where chaos has ensued, and right on time to see JinWoon swing in the direction of Wooyoung's face. There's yelling, and screaming. Blood gushes from Wooyoung’s broken lips, and Chansung sees red. His first reaction is to throw himself at JinWoon, the next second knuckles connect with a chiseled jaw, and JinWoon's heavy body stumbles back, unable to keep his balance, or dignity, in place.
Fei rushes in with a towel and ice for Wooyoung's lips, and Seulong is standing in between Chansung and JinWoon, trying his best to not let things escalate any further than they already have. Is clear whose side Seulong's taking, as he tells JinWoon to pick up his shit and go, but stubborn to the end, rationality impaired, the younger doesn't move. Not until Chansung redelivers the message, venom dripping from every word that leaves his mouth.
"Get the fuck out." He growls, and Seulong had to put a hand on his chest to keep him from getting closer to JinWoon.
"Get the fuck out and don't let me see your sorry ass anywhere near me, or I swear JinWoon-"
"Screw you!" JinWoon retorts with only half the intensity he meant to show. "We are fucking through."
"Grow up." Is Wooyoung the one that speaks now, and if possible JinWoon looks more livid than before, but Seulong's there this time, and so is Chansung, and JinWoon knows he's going to lose. So he leaves, hiding the hurt in his eyes from an uncaring Chansung.
"It's sad how easily you are able to dismiss people.”
Wooyoung says out of the blue while lazing around Chansung’s couch one very hot afternoon. Is the beginning of summer and Wooyoung is due to go back home in a few days. Chansung as usual won’t be going. He has a summer class on Micro Biology he wanted to get out of the way before the semester began.
Chansung looks up from his desk, and at Wooyoung. What is he talking about now?
"Taecyeon," Wooyoung says and Chansung's hold on the pen tightens
“and JinWoon." He finishes and Chansung sighs, his attention back to the paper on the correlation between the two data sets he was supposed to be analyzing, which turns out was way too boring to keep his mind occupied for long.
“Last I check, it was your face JinWoon bashed in, and now you want me to go back to being cool with him?”
"So what was your reason for dismissing Taec?"
"Wooyoung..." Chansung warns because he is not getting on this subject. Not with Wooyoung.
“I don’t want to be the reason you and JinWoon don’t speak anymore.” He says, Taecyeon’s name not to be mentioned again for the rest of the conversation.
“Is not just about you Wooyoung. JinWoon has always been temperamental.”
“I don’t know.” Wooyoung says, voice low. “I guess I understand why he was upset."
“Do you now?”
“He was threatened by me, and didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Threaten without a reason.”
“You sure about that?”
There was a line that was never crossed between them, but Chansung felt like they were getting too close for comfort to the boundaries. How much longer until things were said, and a point of no return was reached? Did he even have the guts? Or better yet, did he want to ever reach that point? Wooyoung remained on his spot, his eyes searching Chansung’s face, waiting for a reaction. It was what Wooyoung did best, push buttons, find limits, imply way too much without using many words. It irritated Chansung to no end.
“Why do you keep coming here Wooyoung?”
“Because knowing you, you probably would not call or text, or communicate, unless I force my presence on you.”
“Is a long two hour drive.”
“Then make it up to me and tell me where Seulong keeps his stash.”
Chansung rolls his eyes, and Wooyoung laughs. Typical. There’s a short argument as to whether or not pleasing Wooyoung is worth dealing with Seulong’s wraths, but Wooyoung promises info on Seulong and Fei’s new relationship status, and Chansung agrees. Pretending not to be bothered that Wooyoung is better informed about his friend’s life than he is. At some point between Wooyoung taking his first puff and Chansung deciding that he would not get any studying done that night, the line finally blurs, and Chansung can’t no longer tell if it was ever there at all.
Wooyoung makes the first move. He takes one more hit before setting the joint down on an ashtray and straddling Chansung. A million thoughts go through Chansung’s mind at that moment, but the second Wooyoung’s lips are on him, everything is forgotten.
“Don’t worry so much.” Wooyoung tells him, his lips on Chansung’s neck. “This is just for fun.” An open mouth kiss to Chansung’s collarbone. “I know better than to expect anything to come out of this.” The next move belongs to Chansung and he gets up from the couch, forgetting about inhibitions and worries, and guiding a willing Wooyoung to the privacy of his bedroom.
Chansung calls JinWoon the day after Wooyoung leaves, and they meet for coffee on neutral grounds. JinWoon says he's sorry. Chansung tells him things can't be like before. JinWoon agrees is best that way. The type of relationship they used to have leaves no room for feelings. JinWoon was feeling way more than he should have. Chansung wants to remain friends. JinWoon agrees, but the look on his face says otherwise.
"What did you expect?" Fei asks him later on when Chansung had told her everything that had happened.
“Nothing.” He says honestly. Wooyoung’s words coming back to haunt him. It was sad. How easily he could dismiss it. Eventually you just become too busy and too numb to remember a person’s absence is supposed to hurt.
Chansung wishes he could tell JinWoon he finally understands the meaning behind those words and how much bullshit they actually were, but then he realizes that it doesn’t matter anymore.
Sometimes, it was easier to just walk away.
Part II
Part III