[Action] | May 23, after the events of the 19thsemper_cogitansMay 26 2011, 23:36:50 UTC
[Robert still regrets what happened, to an extent. He regrets the fact that he let Ingrid get sick, that he'd deliberately exposed her to more pathogens even so, that he'd allowed that brief soft kiss...
Ingrid is his friend, though. And those things are his fault, so he needs to take responsibility for them.
He's been checking Ingrid and Aella regularly at the Battle Dome clinic - one of the few things he can drag himself out of his apartment to do - and today Ingrid does seem to be feeling mostly better. Still:]
... Is your condition still stable, Ingrid?
[Even if she asked him to call her that while she was feverish, it seems better than going back to "Ms. Grimmholtz".]
[She smiles when he comes in, a bright genuine smile just for him. She still feels kind of terrible, but she's not going to die, Robert has been visiting her, and all in all things are looking up.]
Yes. [Her voice is soft, but strong.] I'm feeling much better now. How are you doing today, Robert?
[She savors the word on her tongue. His name. His first name.]
[The smile is reassuring. It speaks volumes about her improved health and coherency.]
I am very glad to hear that, Ingrid.
[Softly:] I... I am doing... better, I think.
Somewhat. [He's still anxious though, and sad about Vivi's loss, and uncomfortable with the fact that he probably should have made certain aspects of his life here in Luceti clear.]
[Robert's face is, by contrast, full of what looks like real shame. He traces her fingers softly; hesitantly.]
... I... I n-neglected to inform you of something before... and, and I r-realize I did you an immense disservice with my omission of it.
... [With some discomfort:] I... w-well, I have a partner here... a-and th-though he seems... untroubled by the fact you, er... [- and here he trails off, blushing a bit, before mumbling...] ... k-kissed me, I... I-I just... I a-assume it would likely not be s-something that should... b-be repeated in future.
...
I-I... I sincerely apologize, Ingrid. I... I did not mean to... t-to become a problem. For anybody.
Her eyes go slightly wider, pupils dilating, and her breath comes faster, shallower. She flushes cold, and she sits slowly down on the bed. Her brain isn't working. She can't process this.
A partner.
A male partner. Gay rights are in their infancy in Ingrid's world, and this revelation makes it that much harder to take.
She swallows, with difficulty, and blinks rapidly.]
[Brokenly:] I, I d-did not expect... ... e-expect any interest of, of this sort.
[He stares at the ground with an almost fierce guilt.] I, I have... n-never been desired by a woman... if, i-if indeed you do desire me; I m-mean, perhaps it was... s-simply the fever... [His gaze flickers everywhere, desperately, but he can't bring his eyes up to meet Ingrid's, yet. Hot tears prick at the backs of them.]
... It... I... F-Five years, before Luceti... n-nobody had any interest, and, a-and, I did not th-think... [He trails off slowly, his fingers reflexively knitted, gripping each other almost painfully.]
... I... w-was the one who... a-asked Don to b-be my partner.
... N-Nobody ever asked me...
[Certainly never a woman. And Robert... still wasn't entirely sure if Ingrid did... desire him that way. It's hard for him to accept that he's even desirable at all, let alone for a woman he only met a few weeks ago.]
[She still doesn't know what to think, and she'll probably be angry later, but right now all she can see is that there's a way. There's hope. It might be foolish and it might be a long shot, but if he's never been loved by a woman before, and his partner doesn't seem to love him that much, maybe Ingrid can...
Yeah, she's got entirely the wrong idea.]
I forgive you, Robert. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I just... want to be with you.
[She presses her hand against his a little. I'm here. I want to be with you even if no one else does. I'm your friend and maybe... more than that.]
[Even Robert can tell at this point that he's been giving the entirely wrong impression, and he actually flinches a bit. It hurts because all he can picture is his own rejection by Helios - as sweet as Helios was, as much as he smiled gently and assured Robert it wasn't his fault, it still hurt, as all rejections do.
God, he hates this. Part of him almost wishes that... that he really was a polyamoride, somebody willing to share some of this love-that-never-went-anywhere-for-five-years with somebody admittedly really wonderful, like Ingrid. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know if Don would be comfortable with that - he doesn't know if he would be comfortable with that, and he certainly doesn't know if Ingrid would be. And in any case, it's... it's not really a solution, is it?]
I...
I... m-must... m-must not be... c-c-communicating myself, pr-properly.
I, I am s-sorry, I... I h-have never been good at, at social things... I c-cannot read cues properly...
[The flame flickers as though in a strong gust of wind...
...but it does not die. Ingrid closes her eyes. She's never heard of polyamory, but she's familiar enough with Latin to guess at its meaning. He isn't outright rejecting her. He's iterating all the problems, and they are great. But she has a chance.]
I understand. You're not an abominable friend, Robert. Please don't say that. I just...
[He isn't outright rejecting her because he can't bring himself to - and because a small part of him is terrified that if he does, he'll lose whatever he does have with her.]
...
I... I r-really am sorry...
... P-Perhaps I can... m-make it up to you. Somehow. I, I w-would not know. [He shifts uncomfortably. How does he do this? He's literally never been in this position before. When he desired Don and Helios, it was initiated by him. When he desired Benjamin, it was initiated by him. How does he manage this treacherous new territory?
He wants to give Ingrid a hug, almost, but thinks it might be even more painful now.]
Ingrid is his friend, though. And those things are his fault, so he needs to take responsibility for them.
He's been checking Ingrid and Aella regularly at the Battle Dome clinic - one of the few things he can drag himself out of his apartment to do - and today Ingrid does seem to be feeling mostly better. Still:]
... Is your condition still stable, Ingrid?
[Even if she asked him to call her that while she was feverish, it seems better than going back to "Ms. Grimmholtz".]
Reply
Yes. [Her voice is soft, but strong.] I'm feeling much better now. How are you doing today, Robert?
[She savors the word on her tongue. His name. His first name.]
Reply
I am very glad to hear that, Ingrid.
[Softly:] I... I am doing... better, I think.
Somewhat. [He's still anxious though, and sad about Vivi's loss, and uncomfortable with the fact that he probably should have made certain aspects of his life here in Luceti clear.]
Reply
Do you want to talk about it?
Reply
... I... I n-neglected to inform you of something before... and, and I r-realize I did you an immense disservice with my omission of it.
... [With some discomfort:] I... w-well, I have a partner here... a-and th-though he seems... untroubled by the fact you, er... [- and here he trails off, blushing a bit, before mumbling...] ... k-kissed me, I... I-I just... I a-assume it would likely not be s-something that should... b-be repeated in future.
...
I-I... I sincerely apologize, Ingrid. I... I did not mean to... t-to become a problem. For anybody.
[He looks down with immense shame.]
Reply
Her eyes go slightly wider, pupils dilating, and her breath comes faster, shallower. She flushes cold, and she sits slowly down on the bed. Her brain isn't working. She can't process this.
A partner.
A male partner. Gay rights are in their infancy in Ingrid's world, and this revelation makes it that much harder to take.
She swallows, with difficulty, and blinks rapidly.]
Why... why didn't you tell me?
Reply
[He stares at the ground with an almost fierce guilt.] I, I have... n-never been desired by a woman... if, i-if indeed you do desire me; I m-mean, perhaps it was... s-simply the fever... [His gaze flickers everywhere, desperately, but he can't bring his eyes up to meet Ingrid's, yet. Hot tears prick at the backs of them.]
... It... I... F-Five years, before Luceti... n-nobody had any interest, and, a-and, I did not th-think... [He trails off slowly, his fingers reflexively knitted, gripping each other almost painfully.]
... I... w-was the one who... a-asked Don to b-be my partner.
... N-Nobody ever asked me...
[Certainly never a woman. And Robert... still wasn't entirely sure if Ingrid did... desire him that way. It's hard for him to accept that he's even desirable at all, let alone for a woman he only met a few weeks ago.]
Reply
Robert... I'm not certain how I feel about you. But...
[She stands again, placing her hand back where it was.]
I'd like the chance to find out.
[She'd also like the address of this Don person so she can give him a piece of her mind.]
Reply
... I... I d-do not want to hurt you, or Don. Or anybody. I, I n-never meant to hurt anybody...
[He puts his hand against Ingrid's again, biting his lip gently.]
I...
I understand if, if you are angry with me, though. It... it was a f-failure, an e-extreme one, of mine to not... t-to not let you know.
[It hasn't even registered to Robert that Ingrid might not be used to gay men, or might not be used to the idea of interspecies stuff.
... Yeah, poor Ingrid.]
Reply
Yeah, she's got entirely the wrong idea.]
I forgive you, Robert. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I just... want to be with you.
[She presses her hand against his a little. I'm here. I want to be with you even if no one else does. I'm your friend and maybe... more than that.]
Reply
God, he hates this. Part of him almost wishes that... that he really was a polyamoride, somebody willing to share some of this love-that-never-went-anywhere-for-five-years with somebody admittedly really wonderful, like Ingrid. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know if Don would be comfortable with that - he doesn't know if he would be comfortable with that, and he certainly doesn't know if Ingrid would be. And in any case, it's... it's not really a solution, is it?]
I...
I... m-must... m-must not be... c-c-communicating myself, pr-properly.
I, I am s-sorry, I... I h-have never been good at, at social things... I c-cannot read cues properly...
[He grits his teeth, almost feeling sick.]
I... I am... honoured that you ( ... )
Reply
...but it does not die. Ingrid closes her eyes. She's never heard of polyamory, but she's familiar enough with Latin to guess at its meaning. He isn't outright rejecting her. He's iterating all the problems, and they are great. But she has a chance.]
I understand. You're not an abominable friend, Robert. Please don't say that. I just...
Thank you for telling me.
Reply
...
I... I r-really am sorry...
... P-Perhaps I can... m-make it up to you. Somehow. I, I w-would not know. [He shifts uncomfortably. How does he do this? He's literally never been in this position before. When he desired Don and Helios, it was initiated by him. When he desired Benjamin, it was initiated by him. How does he manage this treacherous new territory?
He wants to give Ingrid a hug, almost, but thinks it might be even more painful now.]
Reply
[She would love a hug from him, but it doesn't even cross her mind.]
For now, please just keep... keep visiting me. Don't... leave me.
Reply
E-Especially not now. [Especially not when you almost died in my arms.]
... A-And I, I enjoy your company v-very much... so I w-would, I would w-want to visit anyway.
Reply
Thank you. That means so much to me.
[Shyly:] I enjoy your company too.
Reply
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