[One-Shot] Shades of Grey pt 1
Title: Shades of Grey
Pairings: Jaejoong/Yoochun, Yunho/Changmin (minor) Yoochun/Changmin (bff)
Rating: R
Genre: General, Drama, Angst, Romance
Summary: Yoochun and Changmin think they're cheating and find comfort in friendship.
A/N: For my wonderful wife nivani Happy belated Birthday my dear!!
A/N2: The story ended up being so long I couldn't post it as one, so this will be posted in two entries.
"Do you love me?" Yoochun asks under the glow of a crescent moon.
Jaejoong looks over at him with a curious smile. "What?"
His hope drains to grey. "Nothing," he shrugs and stands up stripping off his shirt. "I'm going in," he says tossing the clothing beside Jaejoong as he walks into the lake.
Jaejoong tells him he loves him the moment he comes and falls spent and exhausted over Yoochun's chest. When Yoochun tries to wrap his arms around him Jaejoong rolls away and grabs for a cigarette on the night table. He offers Yoochun one.
"No thanks," he shivers from the cold combination of sweat and air. "Changmin and Yunho invited us to dinner tomorrow, do you want to g-"
"I've got to work," Jaejoong shuffles away and grabs his shorts. "I'm going to take a shower, want to join?" he asks with a sly grin, taking a slow drag from his cigarette.
Yoochun sits up, the sheet sliding down his narrow hips. "Are you going to the dinner with me?" he asks carefully and Jaejoong rolls his eyes walking towards the bathroom. When the door closes behind him and the sound of the shower starts up Yoochun lies back down and rolls himself into the blankets hoping to fall asleep before Jaejoong comes out.
He doesn't know when things started changing.
"How was dinner?" Jaejoong asks from the couch, a drink in his hand as he watches a movie they promised to watch together.
Yoochun tries not to let it burn as he slides out of his jacket and throws his bag on the couch. "It was nice," he takes a seat beside Jaejoong and grabs the bottle, taking a long drink. "They asked where you were," he adds as he hands it back and Jaejoong reclines a little more, their shoulders bumping together. Yoochun runs his fingers through Jaejoong's hair.
"This movie sucks," he holds the bottle to his mouth. "That girl's a real bitch," he mutters and takes a sip.
"I thought we were going to watch this together," he scratches at the base of Jaejoong's neck, feeling the sting of abandon as he pulls away from his touch.
"I forgot," Jaejoong shrugs and hands over the remote. "Let's go to bed," he suggests and stands up with a yawn.
Yoochun runs into Changmin at the laundry mat.
"How's Yunho?" he asks him casually as they fold clothes together. He sees a detergent stain on one of Jaejoong's favorite shirts and rubs his fingertip over it. After a few moments he realizes Changmin hasn't answered him and when he casts a glance in his direction Changmin looks troubled.
"I think he's seeing someone else," Changmin confesses thoughtfully as he folds a pair of Yunho's pants.
Yoochun drops the shirt in his hands and he thinks his heart skips a beat. "Really?" he finds his voice after several seconds of silence and Changmin nods, still folding. "How-" he's perfectly aware that his hands are trembling, "how do you know?" he asks grabbing for a pair of shorts, making quick work of them.
Changmin clears his throat as he thinks and leans against the counter, "I found a letter," he crosses his arms over his chest and looks down at the floor, kicking the awful green linoleum with the tip of his shoe. "He said it was something he confiscated from one of the students. It didn't have his name or anything, but-" Changmin takes a deep breath and turns back to the deserted clothes, "something's wrong. He's different, detached. I feel like-"
"You're the only one making an effort?" Yoochun sighs tiredly because these thoughts have passed through his mind all too recently. When Changmin looks at him he quirks a sad smile. "I know," he nods and begins piling the folded clothes into the basket.
Changmin does the same and when they're both walking out of the building he pulls at Yoochun's elbow. "Do you think Jaejoong has or. Well. Is?"
Yoochun doesn't recall a time he hasn't thought Jaejoong wasn't. "He would tell me," he finally manages a simple answer and Changmin nods, looking at him like he's not alone in the painful world of denial.
"I'll see you later, Yoochun. Tell Jaejoong I said hi," he waves before walking away and Yoochun nods.
"Yunho too," he calls out but Changmin is already down the street and too far away to hear him.
He feels crazy as he searches every inch, crevice, corner of the apartment. He finds receipts and playbills and gum wrappers. He finds a shirt he doesn't recognize until he remembers it's his brother's. He feels crazy but his brain keeps telling him to look for more.
"What the fuck happened in here?" Jaejoong is standing in the doorway looking horrified, his eyes moving about the destruction. "Yoochun?"
Yoochun is sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, back pressed against the mattress. He's staring at the wall with a framed picture of the two of them hanging in the center. He doesn't remember hearing the door open or close and at the intrusion of Jaejoong's voice he turns his head with blank, depleted eyes and stares up at Jaejoong; who's still holding his briefcase. "Are you cheating on me?" he asks him and holds his breath.
He's spent the last hour figuring out a way to ask him. Different words, different inclinations; whether or not to scream at him or whether to throw something. He didn't want to cry so after mindlessly sitting on the floor, legs folded and numb, he just talks.
Jaejoong closes his eyes, clenches them tight and Yoochun thinks his heart is breaking. "What's wrong with you?" he demands quietly before looking back at him. Yoochun watches him set his briefcase down and he enters the room slowly, making sure to avoid the piles of clothing, the scattered books laying open-faced on the floor.
Yoochun wants to cry because he thinks this is where Jaejoong's going to break up with him but he won't let himself do that and turns his eyes back to the picture of two people smiling like they're the happiest couple in the world. "I hate that shirt. You shouldn't have worn it," he says hoping to save himself the heartbreak.
Jaejoong takes a seat beside him, moving a balled up sheet to the bed. "What happened?" he asks softly and reaches for his hand, the first initiation of touch he's done in a very long time.
Yoochun moves away only slightly enough to feel his hand slid down to his thigh, where he keeps it and it burns under his denim pants. "Yunho's cheating on Changmin," Yoochun scrutinizes the picture with critical eyes. He thinks Jaejoong looks too happy, his smile pulled tight, overcompensating.
"Really?" Jaejoong's hand doesn't move away.
He turns and looks at him, his eyes are clear and they look genuinely surprised. "I don't know," he admits and finally allows his hand to touch Jaejoong's. When their fingers connect Jaejoong slides them through and holds it. "Changmin thinks he is but I don't know."
"Is that why you asked me?" he leans in and kisses his cheek. Yoochun nods slowly. His lips are warm and gentle. "I think you'd know if I was," he pulls away and stands up, bringing Yoochun to his feet in one swift motion. He tries to kiss him on the mouth and Yoochun pulls back, looking into his eyes again, making sure.
Jaejoong has always had secrets in his eyes.
"Yoochun?"
He tugs his hands free and steps around a pile of clothing, "I really hate that shirt," he looks at the happy couple one more time from the door way but before he leaves he turns to Jaejoong who's studying the picture himself. "And you're right, I would know," he grips the doorway for support, "but you've always been a good liar," he reminds Jaejoong and himself, then turns and walks away.
He's never sure about what Jaejoong does when they're not together. Yoochun only knows when Jaejoong's gone, he's alone and he hates to be alone.
Jaejoong doesn't come home after work and forwards his calls when he tries to get a hold of him. With dinner getting cold on the table and the wine practically frozen in the ice bucket Yoochun finally gets the call he's been expecting all night. There's loud music in the background and voices, so many voices it's clear he's in a public club, not at home or at work where he should be.
"I've got some clients who wanted to go out. I'm sorry, Yoochun," Jaejoong apologizes and Yoochun looks at the feast he prepared for him looking sad and pathetic on the dinner table.
"I thought you'd make an effort to come home today," he says sadly.
Jaejoong is quiet for a moment and all Yoochun can hear is the steady beat of house music playing loudly. "I'm sorry, Baby."
Yoochun tenses at the insufferable endearment. It's always made him feel belittled and unimportant. "Jaejoong, it's our three year anniversary," he reminds him carefully and he can hear the heavy sigh on the other end.
"Yoochun, it's a multimillion dollar account. I can't-"
He knows it's pointless trying to change his mind.
"You're right," he frowns. "Have fun," he says with heartache in his voice. "I'll see you later tonight?" he asks hopefully.
"I'll be home as soon as I can," Jaejoong promises half heartedly and Yoochun tries not to hear the lack of sincerity in his tone. "I'm sorry," he says one more time but the apology is overused and lost of meaning.
Yoochun hangs up and looks across the abandoned table, all his hard work wasted. He wants to cry; he wants to scream but does neither and looks at his phone. It shouldn't go to waste so he calls Changmin and asks if he and Yunho are aching for some company.
"Yunho isn't home yet," Changmin tells him and Yoochun can hear their dogs barking. "I could eat though," he says and Yoochun scoops the plates up from the table top, making his way to the stove to warm it up again.
"Well, come by. I've got tons of food." He turns the stove on and slides the meat back into the sauté pan. "I would hate to waste it."
"I'll be there in ten minutes," Changmin promises and says his goodbye.
Changmin rubs at his stomach, short of unbuttoning his pants. "That was delicious," he smiles in gluttonous satisfaction. Yoochun takes a drink from his wine glass and appreciates his honesty. He can't recall the last time Jaejoong praised him for a good meal.
"I'm glad you liked it." He finishes what's left of his glass and prepares to fill it up again, first adding some to Changmin's glass. "So, Yunho?" he approaches the topic carefully when he see's Changmin's face fall in disappointment.
"He told me he was working late at the university," he sighs and wraps his long fingers around the wineglass, watching the captivating swish of burgundy liquid sloshing back and forth. "He hasn't called me since," he admits and takes a long drink. His cheeks are pink and flushed. "I don't know what to think anymore," he shakes his head and finishes what's left of his glass.
Yoochun sighs heavily and thinks how similar his situation is with Jaejoong. He's not 100% sure Jaejoong is cheating on him but as of late his disinterest has not painted him in the best light. "What are you going to do?" he asks, maybe for help, maybe for suggestions.
Changmin hiccups with embarrassment and grabs for his napkin, "Excuse me," he apologizes and wipes at his mouth with lowered eyes. "I don't know what to do," he finally answers. After drinking some water, his hiccups are gone. "I haven't talked to him about it, not since the letter," Changmin confesses with a frown. "I don't know what to say to him, he always has an excuse." Changmin taps his fingers on the table, biting at his worried lip. "Maybe I'm paranoid," he shrugs and grabs for the wine bottle. When he hiccups again Yoochun smiles helplessly and takes the bottle from his hands.
"I think you've had enough," he corks the wine and sets it aside. "Have you actually asked him if he is?" Yoochun proposes and stands up to begin clearing the table. He glances at the clock, it's very late. Very late and Jaejoong has neither called nor come home.
"No I haven't but it doesn't matter, he'd lie about it anyway." Changmin helps him on wobbly legs; when he almost drops a plate Yoochun grabs his elbow to hold him up. "Sorry, I'm useless when I drink," Changmin frowns and falls back down in his seat with the help of his friend.
Yoochun shakes his head and walks to the kitchen setting up the coffee machine. "Do you think he's unhappy?" Yoochun asks from the kitchen. He can see Changmin with his head on the table, looking miserable. "Changmin?"
He makes a muffled noise and jerks his shoulders to prove he's still alive.
Yoochun smiles despite himself and walks back to the table to clean the rest of the mess.
He lays a blanket over Changmin's body and watches him sleep. Changmin's eyelashes ruffle while he dreams and his lips move in silent words. He looks handsome and serene, young and untroubled. Changmin only drinks when he's upset.
Yoochun sighs and walks to the kitchen for a glass of water, he sets it on the coffee table and beside the glass he sets two pills of ibuprofen to help him when he wakes up in the morning. Quietly, he turns the lights off and heads to bed.
Jaejoong comes home when light touches the sky; his disturbance rouses Yoochun from his dreamless sleep and he opens his eyes for a brief moment and glances at the clock. It's almost 6 in the morning. There are a few scuffles and heavy breaths of air before he feels the lift of the blankets as Jaejoong slides in behind him, curling an arm around his waist. He smells the night on him.
"Did you have a good time?" he asks when the touch of Jaejoong's mouth presses against his shoulder.
"They seemed to enjoy themselves," he yawns, "I think they were satisfied." He pulls Yoochun even closer against his chest. Yoochun can feel his breath on his neck. "Is Changmin sleeping on our couch?" he asks after a moment and Yoochun's eyes open again.
He can see the morning through the curtains.
"He had too much to drink," Yoochun answers sleepily. "I didn't want the food to go to waste." Yoochun looks over his shoulder and he can see Jaejoong's profile. "He kept me company," he finishes and presses his cheek to the pillow.
Jaejoong hums behind him. "I'm sorry," Jaejoong apologizes, his voice just above the sound of a whisper. "I’m sorry, Yoochun," he says it again and runs his hand down the side of his body.
Yoochun turns on his back and Jaejoong looks down at him, his hair falling over his eyes, he looks exhausted. "Your gift is on the fireplace," Yoochun tells him and Jaejoong laughs tiredly and leans down kissing his mouth.
He doesn't taste of alcohol or of cigarettes, the way he smells. He tastes like Jaejoong and no one else. "I'm sorry," he breathes against his lips and Yoochun wraps his arms around him, pulling him down. "I'm sorry," he pulls away and kisses his cheek. "I'm sorry," he kisses his nose. "I'm sorry," he presses his lips over his mouth and steals his breath.
Jaejoong is gone when Yoochun wakes up but Changmin is sitting at the table and he looks terrible.
"Jaejoong says he's sorry he had to leave," Changmin looks up from his coffee cup, "but he liked his gift," he tries to smile. "It must have been expensive." He takes a drink and looks down at the table again.
Yoochun nods covering up a yawn and pulls out a chair as he takes a seat. "You look bad, how do you feel?" he takes a drink from Changmin's mug. "Want me to make you some breakfast before I go to work?" he offers and Changmin shakes his head standing up with a terrible wince.
"No but thanks, Yoochun. I should go home." He pulls out his cell phone and scoffs with a shake of his head. "He didn't even call," he laughs grimly, "fucking bastard."
"Come on, Changmin, I'll give you a ride."
Jaejoong's clients decide to stay the rest of the week and Changmin becomes his new best friend.
"Is Jaejoong working late again?" Changmin asks as he bends over the table, lining his pool stick for the shot.
Yoochun watches him carefully; it looks like an impossible shot. "Supposedly," he answers just a little indignantly and smiles in amazement as the ball sails easily into the pocket. "Is there anything you're not good at?" he laughs and steps aside as Changmin stations himself where he used to stand.
Changmin quirks a grin and leans down, assessing his shot. "Not really," he chuckles and hits the cue ball sending a red ball rolling into the distant pocket like it was meant to be. "Oh wait," he straightens and walks around to the other side of the table for the lone purple ball. "There is one thing," he reaches for the chalk and twists it over the tip slowly, losing the edge in his eyes. He falls quiet and Yoochun feels his smile drop. "But," he clears his throat, "but I may give that up soon," he finishes and aims.
"How is Yun-"
"Don't say his name; it'll fuck up my shot," Changmin snaps a little too bitterly as he realigns but misses and groans, falling down towards the pool table in defeat. "Fuck," he mutters and Yoochun pats him on the back.
"Don't worry too much. I'm almost positive you'll get your chance back in a moment," he laughs and Changmin lifts his head in better spirits. Yoochun chuckles as he eyes his shot and takes a chance. It sails right past the ball he was intending to hit and makes contact with one of the few balls Changmin has left on the table, leading it straight into the pocket. "Well fuck," he curses and Changmin laughs.
While Changmin readies his next shot Yoochun feels his pocket vibrating and pulls his phone out. It's Jaejoong; he sets his pool stick against the table and turns to his friend. "Jaejoong's calling. I'll be right back," he tells him and Changmin nods as he walks away.
Outside people are smoking and talking almost as loudly as inside the pool hall when Yoochun answers the call. "Hey."
"Where are you?" Jaejoong's voice is smooth over the line.
Yoochun looks around the dirty parking lot and reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. "I'm at the pool hall downtown. Where are you?"
"I'm at home," Jaejoong answers and coughs. "Come home. I want to see you," he says after a second and Yoochun looks at his watch. It's almost midnight.
"I thought you were entertaining your clients," Yoochun says as he lights his smoke and takes a deep drag.
Jaejoong is silent for a moment. "I handed them over to Junsu for the night," he answers shortly. "Are you with Changmin?" he asks and Yoochun can hear a hint of jealousy. He knows Jaejoong hasn't completely approved of all the time they've been spending together but Yoochun thinks he has no right, someone has to fill the void he's voluntarily left. He's entitled to find some companionship in Changmin when Jaejoong won't give it to him.
"I am," he confirms his assumptions and Yoochun takes another drag, "but I can cut it short if you want me to come home," he adds.
"Come home," he says almost too quickly and there's a part of Yoochun that feels over-excited to hear him say it. He hasn't been alone with Jaejoong in a while. "I mean," he hesitates, "I want you to come home only if you want too."
Yoochun bites his lip to stop the impending smile. "I'll be home soon," he says and throws his cigarette on the floor, rubbing it out with the tip of his shoe.
He drops Changmin off at his apartment and tells him the next round of drinks is on him. Changmin understands.
"Just because my relationship is headed towards the shit hole doesn't mean I want to keep you from Jaejoong," he says before he gets out of the car. "Tell Jae I said hi and not to hate me too much for taking up your free time," he smiles and opens the door about to leave.
"Changmin," Yoochun calls out, rolling down the passenger's window.
"Yeah?" he looks through with shining eyes and sweet expectation.
"I want you to work things out with Yunho because you deserve to be happy," he says like a good friend should, he actually really likes Yunho, "but if you don't," he clears his throat, "I'm here for you," he adds and Changmin winks playfully.
"You're the best, Yoochun," he reaches into the car and they do their own special friendship handshake no one else knows about, "get laid tonight for me," he adds before pulling his hand back and Yoochun blushes, beside himself.
"Changmin!" he screeches but Changmin only laughs and Yoochun watches him walk into his building.
Yoochun walks into the apartment to find Jaejoong lying on the couch. He's got a bottle of beer in his hand and he's watching some variety show that's sending him into laughing fits. Yoochun smiles as he closes the door behind him. He slides off his jacket and walks around the couch slowly.
Jaejoong's eyes look away from the screen and up at him, he smiles. Yoochun has always loved his smile. Years ago Jaejoong mentioned he hated his smile, tried to hide it behind delicate hands. Yoochun's always loved his smile, he has so many of them. But the way he's smiling at him now makes his heart beat faster and the hair on the back of his neck rise.
"Hey," he sits up and Yoochun walks around the couch taking a seat at the edge. Jaejoong kisses his mouth and Yoochun sighs in contentment for a moment. "Did you have fun with Changmin?" he asks licking his lips and Yoochun nods.
He leans against Jaejoong's body and takes in a good breath of air, inhaling his cologne and natural scent. "I'm glad that you're home," he says softly and reaches for his hand. Jaejoong rubs at the skin above his thumb sweetly.
"I brought you some flowers," he says.
Yoochun looks at the beautiful arrangement of roses on the coffee table and he tries not to smile.
"I'm not a girl, Jaejoong," he looks at their hands, though he feels appreciated.
"I considered that," Jaejoong laughs and Yoochun looks at him. "I've got some expensive beer in the refrigerator cooling for you," he grins and Yoochun laughs helplessly.
"You just want to liquor me up to get me easy," he jokes and Jaejoong turns, boxing him within his arms. He looks handsome and predatory.
"Is that so bad?" Jaejoong speaks under his breath and Yoochun folds under his power, bringing his arms around Jaejoong's neck.
He kisses him, long and sweet, opening his mouth with a gentle intrusion of his tongue.
"I love the way you taste," Jaejoong mummers and Yoochun smiles looking into his eyes. "I was thinking we could go out of town this weekend," Jaejoong kisses his lips again and Yoochun slides down on the couch, Jaejoong's pressure comforting against his chest.
He kisses him. "I think that would be nice," he kisses him softly, savoring the tender touch of his mouth. "I've missed you," he tells him honestly and Jaejoong's eyes glitter they way they did when they first started dating.
"I love you," he says suddenly and Yoochun feels a sudden onslaught of tears, though they don't spill.
He hopes going away is the beginning of change. Away from home, from work, from everyone else's problems they can be together. Just the two of them and go back to the way they were.
Yoochun looks out the window at the view from his hotel suite. It's beautiful. Beside him is the untouched breakfast he ordered for Jaejoong the night before as a surprise.
When he woke up Jaejoong was gone and resting on his pillow was a note, written in his handwriting.
Yoochun reads it:
I'm sorry I can't be here when you wake up but I'll do my best to get out of the meeting as soon as possible. Take my card and go shopping, don't worry about the cost.
Love,
Jaejoong
Yoochun folds the note over and sets it beside the untouched breakfast plate.
He turns his eyes towards the window and can see the ocean from where he sits. It looks serene and like it's calling for him. He thinks he'll have to go, even if he has to do it alone.
Jaejoong shows up right before dinner and Yoochun has been watching television for almost five hours. He spent his day shopping and seeing the sights. He even got Jaejoong a beautifully made shirt at one of the most expensive stores in the most expensive area of the city.
"You're back," Yoochun looks over his shoulder and turns his position on the couch. Jaejoong, looking handsome in his business suit and perfect hair, makes his way to where he's sitting and gives him a kiss. It's quick and detached.
"Not for long," Jaejoong says with a frown on his lips as he pulls away and loosens his tie. "I've got dinner reservations," he tells Yoochun and for a moment he's naive enough to believe it’s for the both of them.
"Oh, that's good. I was hoping to spend some time with you," he looks hopefully but Jaejoong's firm, straight lips whittle that hope to nothing. "You're not talking about us," Yoochun deducts and Jaejoong rubs at his eyes. "When you mentioned going away for the weekend, I half expected you meant to spend time with me," Yoochun sighs and turns back around to the television. He can't believe he fell for another veiled charm.
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong says softly and Yoochun scoffs.
"Do you think I believe one word that comes out of your mouth right now?" Yoochun turns and glares at him. "You lied to me. You lied to me to get me here. Why didn't you just tell me the truth?" he demands because he's owed an explanation.
Jaejoong runs a hand though his hair and sighs uncomfortably; Yoochun thinks he should feel uncomfortable. "I didn't want to come alone and I thought-"
"You thought as long as I came, you wouldn't be. You're so fucking selfish," Yoochun shakes his head in disappointment. "I shouldn't have come."
"Yoochun, I'm so-"
"You're sorry," he finishes for him. He laughs even though it’s clearly inappropriate. "You're always sorry, Jaejoong. Well, I am too. I thought this was progress," he shakes his head solemnly; "I'm your boyfriend, not a substitute or here for your beck and call. Had I known this trip was business I wouldn't have come," he tells him and stands up, turning the television off with an angry click of his finger. "I could be home. Doing something, spending time with-"
Jaejoong's eye's flash. "With Changmin?" he questions heatedly and Yoochun doesn't remember the last time he's looked so angry, "who tells you he's having problems with Yunho so you come running to him?"
Yoochun looks at him, lost for words and Jaejoong's eyes are lit with fire and Yoochun scoffs incredulously. "Fuck you, Jaejoong," he walks around the couch heading for the room, "I would rather spend time with someone who cares than someone who doesn't." He stops walking and turns slowly, meeting Jaejoong's eyes. "If you go to your dinner, I won't be here when you come back," he promises and slams the door behind him.
Changmin is waiting for him when his flight lands and they walk together towards the luggage claim.
"It wasn't a good trip?" Changmin asks watching the constant rotation of bags, searching for the lime green piece of luggage he remembers buying with Yoochun.
"I don't want to talk about it." Yoochun spots his bag and reaches for it. Together, with the help of Changmin, they pull it from the conveyer belt. "I just want to go home," he pulls at the handle and they begin walking through Inchon airport together.
Changmin sets his bag in the trunk while Yoochun sits in the passenger's seat and looks out into the night. His heart pounds and he feels sick. On the plane he replayed his conversation with Jaejoong over and over again, remembered the look on his face, the scowl on his lips. He couldn't stop thinking about how the hotel room was empty when he walked out of the bedroom just a short while after their argument. Jaejoong didn't even change his clothes.
Yoochun wipes his eyes and puts a smile on his face when Changmin gets into the car and starts it up. Yoochun knows he can see his tears and tries his best to hide them. "If you want, I can stay with you," Changmin begins pulling out of the parking lot.
He shakes his head and feels more tears fall silently. "It's ok, I think," he wipes his face with the back of his hand, "I just want to be alone," he sniffs and doesn't remember the last time he cried over Jaejoong.
Changmin's arms feel warm around him as he lies in bed.
"He doesn't do it on purpose," Changmin runs his hands through his hair and Yoochun wishes they were as soft as Jaejoong. "He loves you."
Yoochun digs his cheek in his pillow. "I wish I could believe that," he whispers and feels Changmin's arms tighten around him. "I think he's jealous of you," he laughs carefully and Changmin loosens his grip.
"Really?" he asks alarmed.
Yoochun looks over his shoulder and pulls the covers over them tightly, "I cherish your friendship, Changmin," he tells him, clutching onto his arm. "You're my best friend."
Changmin's stays quiet but it doesn't take long before he talks again. "He's insecure," he says rather intelligently and Yoochun wants to agree with him; though he's not sure. Someone who looks and is as successful as Jaejoong shouldn't feel insecure.
"I love him, Changmin," he confesses softly, looking out the window. "Sometimes I try not to. Sometimes I think I could do better, but," he feels the wetness spring to his eyes as he remembers the good times. "But I love him."
"I know," Changmin holds him close. "You don't have to tell me."
Yoochun bites his lip to stop the emotion. "Do you still love Yunho?" he asks cautiously and Changmin holds his breathe. Yoochun can feel him pressed against his back.
"I try not to," he answers with a whisper, "but how do you stop loving someone?" he wonders out loud.
Yoochun closes his eyes and asks himself the same question.
Jaejoong doesn't return for another week and Yoochun can't help wonder if maybe it was because he met someone. "It took you long enough," Yoochun sits on the edge of the bed, watching Jaejoong unpack. "I thought you'd be home sooner."
Jaejoong gives him a sidelong glance. "I thought you needed time," he answers plainly and Yoochun gets to his feet. "Where are you going? You're dressed like you're meeting someone," he comments and Yoochun looks down at his clothes.
He isn't wearing anything particularly special. "What's it matter to you?" he challenges and Jaejoong's hand stops in mid air.
"Yoochun," he drops the shirt back into the suitcase. "Why are you doing this?" he asks him.
Yoochun wets his lips and looks at the clock. He's supposed to meet Changmin in ten minutes at the pool hall. "You've been gone all week and the first thing you ask me is where I'm going?" Yoochun scoffs and reaches for his watch on the desk. "You're making it so easy," he shakes his head and grabs his folded jacket over the vanity chair. "I'm going out."
"With Changmin?" Jaejoong stands up immediately.
Yoochun strides past him. "Yes, with Changmin," he confirms and stops at the door way. "You're right, I did need time. I had a lot of time to think while you were away," he sighs, "I'll be home late," he resigns and leaves him.
They decide to skip the pool hall and just sit and drink at a bar not too far from their apartments. Changmin has rocks in his stomach and knives in his heart.
His eyes are red rimmed and intoxicated. "It's happened," his fingers fumble over an empty shot glass and Yoochun watches him attempt to drink from it. "I caught him," Changmin grumbles, head falling on the high top table. It resounds with a loud smack. "Ow. Fuck," he groans.
Yoochun motions for two more beers from the waiter. "Changmin, I'm sorry," Yoochun pats his shoulder. "It's over?" he questions cautiously and Changmin lifts his head and looks like he's trying not to cry. Yoochun has never seen Changmin cry.
"I can't do it," he sounds pathetic, "I'm so fucking pathetic," he slams a closed fist on the table just as the waiter drops off two more drinks. He yanks it out of his hand and chugs it down.
Yoochun apologizes to the affronted man named Danny and stares in amazement while Changmin doesn't even drop the bottle long enough to breathe. His chest heaves deeply when sets the empty beer on the table and he collapse over his folded arms. "How did you catch him?" Yoochun shakes his arm to rouse him back to consciousness.
Changmin tries to lift his head and after a few failed attempts he's successful. He groans, it's clearly difficult for him to think at the moment. "Well, I followed him," he slurs and burps rather unattractively. Yoochun shakes his head. "Sorry," he apologizes.
"You followed him? Changmin, that's creepy," Yoochun hands him a napkin and he wipes his mouth.
"I'm desperate! Fuck!" he hits the table again angrily, far gone in his own emotion. "I think about it all the time, Yoochun. It's like I'm obsessed. He tells me there isn't anyone. He tells me I'm being paranoid but I'm not stupid. He thinks I'm so fucking stupid," he shakes his head and Yoochun can see his emotion ready to expose itself. Changmin grabs for Yoochun's beer and takes a long drink. "I love him so fucking much I'm ready to believe anything," he wipes at his eyes before anything falls because Changmin is a tough guy. As long as Yoochun has known him, he's never been weak.
"I'm sorry," he says and thinks they've had enough. "We should go, you can't keep drinking and well," he finishes what Changmin left in his bottle; "I should get home to Jaejoong. He's finally come back and as much as I hate to admit it-"
"You missed him," Changmin pulls out his wallet and Yoochun nods.
"I know it's naive but I hope he didn't do anything stupid," Yoochun says softly, trying to comfort the gnawing feeling that he's very wrong. "I can't help it," he shrugs and pulls out some cash after the check is on the table.
"We're completely hopeless," Changmin struggles with the sleeve of his jacket and after a while, once the waiter has taken the tab to the register Yoochun walks around the table and helps Changmin. "Fuck," he mutters stumbling towards the exit.
The owner of the bar asks if he should call them a cab and Yoochun tells him they don't have far to go and leave the bar.
Yoochun holds Changmin's hand, just in case he tips over and falls.
"You know, he was with a girl. A fucking girl," Changmin groans looking sick. "Do you know how insulting that is?"
Yoochun tries to think back on the time he's known Yunho and he's never seen him with a girl. Never. "Are you sure it was a girl?" he asks Changmin and Changmin trips over the uneven cement of the sidewalk. Yoochun tightens his grip and curls an arm around his waist to make sure he doesn't go sailing face first into the ground.
"Yes!" Changmin wails sadly. "She had on a pink shirt and a stupid skirt with flowers on it. Fuck, she was really pretty too," he adds sadly.
Yoochun frowns, "Maybe his parents-"
Changmin flails uncontrollably. "His parents are assholes!" he yells angrily and Yoochun tries to calm him down, hoping the families sleeping in the neighborhood don't start looking through their windows like the nosey people they are.
"Changmin, calm down," he shushes and Changmin grumbles waving his arms wildly, pulling from his embrace and Yoochun grabs his hands and attempts his best to control his erratic motions. "It's late, be quiet."
Changmin glares at the sky. "They want him to get married and have kids. It's such bullshit. It's bullshit!" Changmin stumbles drunkenly. "He likes guys, Yoochun. He likes me," he adds softly. "He loves me," he mumbles and stops walking. "He fucking loves me," and Yoochun thinks there may be tears in his eyes.
Yoochun pauses and looks at his distraught friend. "Changmin, I'm sorry," he apologizes and Changmin wipes at his eyes with a trembling hand.
As he pulls out his keys Changmin turns to him. He's wobbly and unsteady on his feet so Yoochun rushes to hold him up from falling.
"You need help to the door?" he asks him worriedly, the last thing he wants is for Changmin to miss a step on the stairs and tumble to his death.
Changmin shakes his head with assurance. "I'll be fine," he burps and Yoochun feels sick at the smell. "You're a good friend, Yoochun," Changmin mumbles softly and Yoochun can see his eyes glossed over. "You've been here for me and I. Well. Thank you," he finishes, pressing his full weight on Yoochun's lean frame.
"You're my best friend, Changmin. I only want to help," he smiles kindly and makes sure he's stable before moving aside.
"Help," he repeats and turns swiftly, despite his drunken state. He settles his hands on Yoochun's steady shoulders. "I know how you can help," he whispers and he moves too quickly for Yoochun to stop him.
In an instant Yoochun feels his mouth pressed over his and his lips are gentle. Changmin tastes of a mixed cocktail. He's tender and sweet and when his tongue pries his mouth open, Yoochun allows it only for a moment. For a second he lets him because he's not forceful or intrusive. Changmin's kissing him delicately, like a new lover.
It's wrong. Everything about it is wrong and it doesn't take long before Yoochun pulls away. "Changmin," he whispers wiping his mouth.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." He looks flushed under the artificial light of the apartment building. "I'm just fucked up right now," he says with a grimace.
Yoochun squeezes his shoulder. "It's ok. I wish I could help," Jaejoong's face flashes into his head, "but not like that."
Changmin nods in understanding and slightly embarrassed as he stumbles over his feet. "I'm sorry," he says again and holds his keys in his hands. "Thank you for coming out with me tonight, I just needed-" he clears his throat, "I just needed to be with someone who cares," he says and turns away.
Yoochun watches him walk towards the building, the slump of Changmin's defeated shoulders, the way he wobbles on his feet walking like a desperate man. He looks so sad, he thinks about Yunho being with other people. He thinks about the pain Changmin's torturing himself with. He plays every single possible thing Jaejoong could've done without him, thousands of miles away. He didn't even call him. He could've done anything he wanted.
Yoochun's heart stutters, skips for a moment and the overwhelming desire to make both him and Changmin feel better washes over him in a sturdy wave of emotion.
Wait!" he calls and walks over with determined steps and grasps his strong shoulder, flipping him around.
Changmin looks startled, "Yoochun."
"Wait," he says again and moves in, cupping his hands around his face.
He can see the puzzlement in his eyes, the vulnerability and it only confirms his desire to make it better. He kisses him in a rush of emotion and forgets about Jaejoong just for a second. In an instant he considers what it would be like to be single again and he knows it's wrong but the urge is almost suffocating.
Changmin kisses back carefully and Yoochun slides his tongue into his mouth.
But as fast as the desire comes, it lasts only a second and he pulls away.
Changmin opens his eyes in shock and steps back, licking his lips.
And Yoochun thinks about Jaejoong despite himself. He thinks about the touch of his hands, the softness of his lips. He remembers the way he loves how Jaejoong smiles at him and recalls the feeling of being wrapped in Jaejoong's arms. He can't escape him, he hates himself for that. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry," Yoochun apologizes, stumbling back looking guilty.
Changmin touches his mouth. "I understand," he says softly, it's full of understanding and Yoochun can't find it in himself to hate his actions or feel disgusted even though he thinks he should, at least for Jaejoong. Changmin doesn't expect anything and Changmin loves Yunho, no matter how drunk he is, no matter how much he wants to hate him and Yoochun can understand that.
Kissing Changmin only confirms his feelings. If there was ever a moment of complete weakness, this is it and he wants Jaejoong.
He's only ever wanted Jaejoong, no matter the heartache.
"I'm going now," Yoochun rubs his hands on his thighs and begins to back away. Changmin nods. "I'll call you later," he gives a little wave and Changmin smirks drunkenly and heads into the building so Yoochun can't see him anymore.
People do desperate things sometimes. It doesn't mean they mean them.
On the walk home Yoochun feels sick. He stumbles blindly into a rose garden and empties the contents of his stomach. In a rather self deprecating way, it feels like he's ridding himself of the sins he's committed.
Yoochun shivers at the foul taste and feels his eyes burn through the pain in his throat.
It's not that Changmin kissed him that Yoochun finds as the problem; it's that he kissed him back and then kissed him again. Two acts of deceit. He doesn't even know for sure if Jaejoong's been unfaithful and now. Now he's done it. He's done it for sure and he can't take it back.
He wretches again and feels the burn of thorns piercing his skin.
When he's at his front door Yoochun tells himself he must keep it a secret, at least until he knows for sure Jaejoong's done the same to him. He won't bring it up; he won't do or say anything that may let it slip.
If only he could have that much faith in himself to keep silent. He frowns and opens the door.
It's dark inside and Yoochun feels around for the switch.
In an instant the room is flooded in light, the living room is clean and the kitchen smells of chemicals and lemon. He turns on a lamp and hits the switch on the wall, walking towards the hall. He's sober now and his mouth tastes foul.
He brushes his teeth and stares at his reflection. He's pale and looks sick.
Yoochun turns away.
Jaejoong's sleeping on his side of the bed, arms wrapped around his pillow. It churns Yoochun's stomach to watch him so he turns the bathroom light off and lifts the blankets, sliding in behind Jaejoong. His back is warm against his chest and Yoochun presses his nose into his neck, smelling him in desperation.
"Did you have fun?" Jaejoong speaks softly. When Yoochun feels his hand creep around and he slides their fingers together, Yoochun presses his mouth to Jaejoong's shoulder to stop them from trembling. "Are you ok?" he asks when the silence is too long.
Yoochun clears his throat. "It was fun," he answers kissing his neck and Jaejoong turns around in bed. He can't see his face but his breath brushes as soft as feathers against his cheek. "I'm glad you're back," he whispers.
"Me too," Jaejoong answers. "I'm sorry. I don't think sometimes and I'm sorry."
Yoochun reaches in the darkness and slides his hand through his tangled hair, until his fingers curl around his neck. "Stop apologizing," Yoochun gives him a squeeze. "I don't want to hear your apologies. I just want you to love me," he knows he sounds overly emotional and he is but he can't help it.
"I do love you," Jaejoong kisses him. "I'll always love you."
The kiss flashes like lighting across Yoochun's eyes. "No matter what?" he asks softly.
Jaejoong rolls on top of him and presses him down into the bed. "No matter what," he repeats and kisses him again.
Yoochun doesn't call Changmin and Changmin doesn't call him. He thinks it's better this way.
"Did you and Changmin fight?" Jaejoong asks while making dinner. Yoochun doesn't remember the last time Jaejoong was home at night to make dinner. He looks so domesticated with his apron on and the fluffy yellow slippers he gifted him over a year ago.
Yoochun looks up from his work. "What?"
Jaejoong pours some oil in a sauté pan. "You haven't gone out with Changmin, is everything ok?" he looks at him curiously and Yoochun clears his throat.
He's kept it a secret for almost a week. "Yeah," he nods after a moment and turns back to the account he brought home to finish. "Everything's fine," he mutters and slides his pen between his teeth.
Things are starting to feel normal.
Until they stop.
pt. 2
Pairings: Jaejoong/Yoochun, Yunho/Changmin (minor) Yoochun/Changmin (bff)
Rating: R
Genre: General, Drama, Angst, Romance
Summary: Yoochun and Changmin think they're cheating and find comfort in friendship.
A/N: For my wonderful wife nivani Happy belated Birthday my dear!!
A/N2: The story ended up being so long I couldn't post it as one, so this will be posted in two entries.
"Do you love me?" Yoochun asks under the glow of a crescent moon.
Jaejoong looks over at him with a curious smile. "What?"
His hope drains to grey. "Nothing," he shrugs and stands up stripping off his shirt. "I'm going in," he says tossing the clothing beside Jaejoong as he walks into the lake.
Jaejoong tells him he loves him the moment he comes and falls spent and exhausted over Yoochun's chest. When Yoochun tries to wrap his arms around him Jaejoong rolls away and grabs for a cigarette on the night table. He offers Yoochun one.
"No thanks," he shivers from the cold combination of sweat and air. "Changmin and Yunho invited us to dinner tomorrow, do you want to g-"
"I've got to work," Jaejoong shuffles away and grabs his shorts. "I'm going to take a shower, want to join?" he asks with a sly grin, taking a slow drag from his cigarette.
Yoochun sits up, the sheet sliding down his narrow hips. "Are you going to the dinner with me?" he asks carefully and Jaejoong rolls his eyes walking towards the bathroom. When the door closes behind him and the sound of the shower starts up Yoochun lies back down and rolls himself into the blankets hoping to fall asleep before Jaejoong comes out.
He doesn't know when things started changing.
"How was dinner?" Jaejoong asks from the couch, a drink in his hand as he watches a movie they promised to watch together.
Yoochun tries not to let it burn as he slides out of his jacket and throws his bag on the couch. "It was nice," he takes a seat beside Jaejoong and grabs the bottle, taking a long drink. "They asked where you were," he adds as he hands it back and Jaejoong reclines a little more, their shoulders bumping together. Yoochun runs his fingers through Jaejoong's hair.
"This movie sucks," he holds the bottle to his mouth. "That girl's a real bitch," he mutters and takes a sip.
"I thought we were going to watch this together," he scratches at the base of Jaejoong's neck, feeling the sting of abandon as he pulls away from his touch.
"I forgot," Jaejoong shrugs and hands over the remote. "Let's go to bed," he suggests and stands up with a yawn.
Yoochun runs into Changmin at the laundry mat.
"How's Yunho?" he asks him casually as they fold clothes together. He sees a detergent stain on one of Jaejoong's favorite shirts and rubs his fingertip over it. After a few moments he realizes Changmin hasn't answered him and when he casts a glance in his direction Changmin looks troubled.
"I think he's seeing someone else," Changmin confesses thoughtfully as he folds a pair of Yunho's pants.
Yoochun drops the shirt in his hands and he thinks his heart skips a beat. "Really?" he finds his voice after several seconds of silence and Changmin nods, still folding. "How-" he's perfectly aware that his hands are trembling, "how do you know?" he asks grabbing for a pair of shorts, making quick work of them.
Changmin clears his throat as he thinks and leans against the counter, "I found a letter," he crosses his arms over his chest and looks down at the floor, kicking the awful green linoleum with the tip of his shoe. "He said it was something he confiscated from one of the students. It didn't have his name or anything, but-" Changmin takes a deep breath and turns back to the deserted clothes, "something's wrong. He's different, detached. I feel like-"
"You're the only one making an effort?" Yoochun sighs tiredly because these thoughts have passed through his mind all too recently. When Changmin looks at him he quirks a sad smile. "I know," he nods and begins piling the folded clothes into the basket.
Changmin does the same and when they're both walking out of the building he pulls at Yoochun's elbow. "Do you think Jaejoong has or. Well. Is?"
Yoochun doesn't recall a time he hasn't thought Jaejoong wasn't. "He would tell me," he finally manages a simple answer and Changmin nods, looking at him like he's not alone in the painful world of denial.
"I'll see you later, Yoochun. Tell Jaejoong I said hi," he waves before walking away and Yoochun nods.
"Yunho too," he calls out but Changmin is already down the street and too far away to hear him.
He feels crazy as he searches every inch, crevice, corner of the apartment. He finds receipts and playbills and gum wrappers. He finds a shirt he doesn't recognize until he remembers it's his brother's. He feels crazy but his brain keeps telling him to look for more.
"What the fuck happened in here?" Jaejoong is standing in the doorway looking horrified, his eyes moving about the destruction. "Yoochun?"
Yoochun is sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, back pressed against the mattress. He's staring at the wall with a framed picture of the two of them hanging in the center. He doesn't remember hearing the door open or close and at the intrusion of Jaejoong's voice he turns his head with blank, depleted eyes and stares up at Jaejoong; who's still holding his briefcase. "Are you cheating on me?" he asks him and holds his breath.
He's spent the last hour figuring out a way to ask him. Different words, different inclinations; whether or not to scream at him or whether to throw something. He didn't want to cry so after mindlessly sitting on the floor, legs folded and numb, he just talks.
Jaejoong closes his eyes, clenches them tight and Yoochun thinks his heart is breaking. "What's wrong with you?" he demands quietly before looking back at him. Yoochun watches him set his briefcase down and he enters the room slowly, making sure to avoid the piles of clothing, the scattered books laying open-faced on the floor.
Yoochun wants to cry because he thinks this is where Jaejoong's going to break up with him but he won't let himself do that and turns his eyes back to the picture of two people smiling like they're the happiest couple in the world. "I hate that shirt. You shouldn't have worn it," he says hoping to save himself the heartbreak.
Jaejoong takes a seat beside him, moving a balled up sheet to the bed. "What happened?" he asks softly and reaches for his hand, the first initiation of touch he's done in a very long time.
Yoochun moves away only slightly enough to feel his hand slid down to his thigh, where he keeps it and it burns under his denim pants. "Yunho's cheating on Changmin," Yoochun scrutinizes the picture with critical eyes. He thinks Jaejoong looks too happy, his smile pulled tight, overcompensating.
"Really?" Jaejoong's hand doesn't move away.
He turns and looks at him, his eyes are clear and they look genuinely surprised. "I don't know," he admits and finally allows his hand to touch Jaejoong's. When their fingers connect Jaejoong slides them through and holds it. "Changmin thinks he is but I don't know."
"Is that why you asked me?" he leans in and kisses his cheek. Yoochun nods slowly. His lips are warm and gentle. "I think you'd know if I was," he pulls away and stands up, bringing Yoochun to his feet in one swift motion. He tries to kiss him on the mouth and Yoochun pulls back, looking into his eyes again, making sure.
Jaejoong has always had secrets in his eyes.
"Yoochun?"
He tugs his hands free and steps around a pile of clothing, "I really hate that shirt," he looks at the happy couple one more time from the door way but before he leaves he turns to Jaejoong who's studying the picture himself. "And you're right, I would know," he grips the doorway for support, "but you've always been a good liar," he reminds Jaejoong and himself, then turns and walks away.
He's never sure about what Jaejoong does when they're not together. Yoochun only knows when Jaejoong's gone, he's alone and he hates to be alone.
Jaejoong doesn't come home after work and forwards his calls when he tries to get a hold of him. With dinner getting cold on the table and the wine practically frozen in the ice bucket Yoochun finally gets the call he's been expecting all night. There's loud music in the background and voices, so many voices it's clear he's in a public club, not at home or at work where he should be.
"I've got some clients who wanted to go out. I'm sorry, Yoochun," Jaejoong apologizes and Yoochun looks at the feast he prepared for him looking sad and pathetic on the dinner table.
"I thought you'd make an effort to come home today," he says sadly.
Jaejoong is quiet for a moment and all Yoochun can hear is the steady beat of house music playing loudly. "I'm sorry, Baby."
Yoochun tenses at the insufferable endearment. It's always made him feel belittled and unimportant. "Jaejoong, it's our three year anniversary," he reminds him carefully and he can hear the heavy sigh on the other end.
"Yoochun, it's a multimillion dollar account. I can't-"
He knows it's pointless trying to change his mind.
"You're right," he frowns. "Have fun," he says with heartache in his voice. "I'll see you later tonight?" he asks hopefully.
"I'll be home as soon as I can," Jaejoong promises half heartedly and Yoochun tries not to hear the lack of sincerity in his tone. "I'm sorry," he says one more time but the apology is overused and lost of meaning.
Yoochun hangs up and looks across the abandoned table, all his hard work wasted. He wants to cry; he wants to scream but does neither and looks at his phone. It shouldn't go to waste so he calls Changmin and asks if he and Yunho are aching for some company.
"Yunho isn't home yet," Changmin tells him and Yoochun can hear their dogs barking. "I could eat though," he says and Yoochun scoops the plates up from the table top, making his way to the stove to warm it up again.
"Well, come by. I've got tons of food." He turns the stove on and slides the meat back into the sauté pan. "I would hate to waste it."
"I'll be there in ten minutes," Changmin promises and says his goodbye.
Changmin rubs at his stomach, short of unbuttoning his pants. "That was delicious," he smiles in gluttonous satisfaction. Yoochun takes a drink from his wine glass and appreciates his honesty. He can't recall the last time Jaejoong praised him for a good meal.
"I'm glad you liked it." He finishes what's left of his glass and prepares to fill it up again, first adding some to Changmin's glass. "So, Yunho?" he approaches the topic carefully when he see's Changmin's face fall in disappointment.
"He told me he was working late at the university," he sighs and wraps his long fingers around the wineglass, watching the captivating swish of burgundy liquid sloshing back and forth. "He hasn't called me since," he admits and takes a long drink. His cheeks are pink and flushed. "I don't know what to think anymore," he shakes his head and finishes what's left of his glass.
Yoochun sighs heavily and thinks how similar his situation is with Jaejoong. He's not 100% sure Jaejoong is cheating on him but as of late his disinterest has not painted him in the best light. "What are you going to do?" he asks, maybe for help, maybe for suggestions.
Changmin hiccups with embarrassment and grabs for his napkin, "Excuse me," he apologizes and wipes at his mouth with lowered eyes. "I don't know what to do," he finally answers. After drinking some water, his hiccups are gone. "I haven't talked to him about it, not since the letter," Changmin confesses with a frown. "I don't know what to say to him, he always has an excuse." Changmin taps his fingers on the table, biting at his worried lip. "Maybe I'm paranoid," he shrugs and grabs for the wine bottle. When he hiccups again Yoochun smiles helplessly and takes the bottle from his hands.
"I think you've had enough," he corks the wine and sets it aside. "Have you actually asked him if he is?" Yoochun proposes and stands up to begin clearing the table. He glances at the clock, it's very late. Very late and Jaejoong has neither called nor come home.
"No I haven't but it doesn't matter, he'd lie about it anyway." Changmin helps him on wobbly legs; when he almost drops a plate Yoochun grabs his elbow to hold him up. "Sorry, I'm useless when I drink," Changmin frowns and falls back down in his seat with the help of his friend.
Yoochun shakes his head and walks to the kitchen setting up the coffee machine. "Do you think he's unhappy?" Yoochun asks from the kitchen. He can see Changmin with his head on the table, looking miserable. "Changmin?"
He makes a muffled noise and jerks his shoulders to prove he's still alive.
Yoochun smiles despite himself and walks back to the table to clean the rest of the mess.
He lays a blanket over Changmin's body and watches him sleep. Changmin's eyelashes ruffle while he dreams and his lips move in silent words. He looks handsome and serene, young and untroubled. Changmin only drinks when he's upset.
Yoochun sighs and walks to the kitchen for a glass of water, he sets it on the coffee table and beside the glass he sets two pills of ibuprofen to help him when he wakes up in the morning. Quietly, he turns the lights off and heads to bed.
Jaejoong comes home when light touches the sky; his disturbance rouses Yoochun from his dreamless sleep and he opens his eyes for a brief moment and glances at the clock. It's almost 6 in the morning. There are a few scuffles and heavy breaths of air before he feels the lift of the blankets as Jaejoong slides in behind him, curling an arm around his waist. He smells the night on him.
"Did you have a good time?" he asks when the touch of Jaejoong's mouth presses against his shoulder.
"They seemed to enjoy themselves," he yawns, "I think they were satisfied." He pulls Yoochun even closer against his chest. Yoochun can feel his breath on his neck. "Is Changmin sleeping on our couch?" he asks after a moment and Yoochun's eyes open again.
He can see the morning through the curtains.
"He had too much to drink," Yoochun answers sleepily. "I didn't want the food to go to waste." Yoochun looks over his shoulder and he can see Jaejoong's profile. "He kept me company," he finishes and presses his cheek to the pillow.
Jaejoong hums behind him. "I'm sorry," Jaejoong apologizes, his voice just above the sound of a whisper. "I’m sorry, Yoochun," he says it again and runs his hand down the side of his body.
Yoochun turns on his back and Jaejoong looks down at him, his hair falling over his eyes, he looks exhausted. "Your gift is on the fireplace," Yoochun tells him and Jaejoong laughs tiredly and leans down kissing his mouth.
He doesn't taste of alcohol or of cigarettes, the way he smells. He tastes like Jaejoong and no one else. "I'm sorry," he breathes against his lips and Yoochun wraps his arms around him, pulling him down. "I'm sorry," he pulls away and kisses his cheek. "I'm sorry," he kisses his nose. "I'm sorry," he presses his lips over his mouth and steals his breath.
Jaejoong is gone when Yoochun wakes up but Changmin is sitting at the table and he looks terrible.
"Jaejoong says he's sorry he had to leave," Changmin looks up from his coffee cup, "but he liked his gift," he tries to smile. "It must have been expensive." He takes a drink and looks down at the table again.
Yoochun nods covering up a yawn and pulls out a chair as he takes a seat. "You look bad, how do you feel?" he takes a drink from Changmin's mug. "Want me to make you some breakfast before I go to work?" he offers and Changmin shakes his head standing up with a terrible wince.
"No but thanks, Yoochun. I should go home." He pulls out his cell phone and scoffs with a shake of his head. "He didn't even call," he laughs grimly, "fucking bastard."
"Come on, Changmin, I'll give you a ride."
Jaejoong's clients decide to stay the rest of the week and Changmin becomes his new best friend.
"Is Jaejoong working late again?" Changmin asks as he bends over the table, lining his pool stick for the shot.
Yoochun watches him carefully; it looks like an impossible shot. "Supposedly," he answers just a little indignantly and smiles in amazement as the ball sails easily into the pocket. "Is there anything you're not good at?" he laughs and steps aside as Changmin stations himself where he used to stand.
Changmin quirks a grin and leans down, assessing his shot. "Not really," he chuckles and hits the cue ball sending a red ball rolling into the distant pocket like it was meant to be. "Oh wait," he straightens and walks around to the other side of the table for the lone purple ball. "There is one thing," he reaches for the chalk and twists it over the tip slowly, losing the edge in his eyes. He falls quiet and Yoochun feels his smile drop. "But," he clears his throat, "but I may give that up soon," he finishes and aims.
"How is Yun-"
"Don't say his name; it'll fuck up my shot," Changmin snaps a little too bitterly as he realigns but misses and groans, falling down towards the pool table in defeat. "Fuck," he mutters and Yoochun pats him on the back.
"Don't worry too much. I'm almost positive you'll get your chance back in a moment," he laughs and Changmin lifts his head in better spirits. Yoochun chuckles as he eyes his shot and takes a chance. It sails right past the ball he was intending to hit and makes contact with one of the few balls Changmin has left on the table, leading it straight into the pocket. "Well fuck," he curses and Changmin laughs.
While Changmin readies his next shot Yoochun feels his pocket vibrating and pulls his phone out. It's Jaejoong; he sets his pool stick against the table and turns to his friend. "Jaejoong's calling. I'll be right back," he tells him and Changmin nods as he walks away.
Outside people are smoking and talking almost as loudly as inside the pool hall when Yoochun answers the call. "Hey."
"Where are you?" Jaejoong's voice is smooth over the line.
Yoochun looks around the dirty parking lot and reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. "I'm at the pool hall downtown. Where are you?"
"I'm at home," Jaejoong answers and coughs. "Come home. I want to see you," he says after a second and Yoochun looks at his watch. It's almost midnight.
"I thought you were entertaining your clients," Yoochun says as he lights his smoke and takes a deep drag.
Jaejoong is silent for a moment. "I handed them over to Junsu for the night," he answers shortly. "Are you with Changmin?" he asks and Yoochun can hear a hint of jealousy. He knows Jaejoong hasn't completely approved of all the time they've been spending together but Yoochun thinks he has no right, someone has to fill the void he's voluntarily left. He's entitled to find some companionship in Changmin when Jaejoong won't give it to him.
"I am," he confirms his assumptions and Yoochun takes another drag, "but I can cut it short if you want me to come home," he adds.
"Come home," he says almost too quickly and there's a part of Yoochun that feels over-excited to hear him say it. He hasn't been alone with Jaejoong in a while. "I mean," he hesitates, "I want you to come home only if you want too."
Yoochun bites his lip to stop the impending smile. "I'll be home soon," he says and throws his cigarette on the floor, rubbing it out with the tip of his shoe.
He drops Changmin off at his apartment and tells him the next round of drinks is on him. Changmin understands.
"Just because my relationship is headed towards the shit hole doesn't mean I want to keep you from Jaejoong," he says before he gets out of the car. "Tell Jae I said hi and not to hate me too much for taking up your free time," he smiles and opens the door about to leave.
"Changmin," Yoochun calls out, rolling down the passenger's window.
"Yeah?" he looks through with shining eyes and sweet expectation.
"I want you to work things out with Yunho because you deserve to be happy," he says like a good friend should, he actually really likes Yunho, "but if you don't," he clears his throat, "I'm here for you," he adds and Changmin winks playfully.
"You're the best, Yoochun," he reaches into the car and they do their own special friendship handshake no one else knows about, "get laid tonight for me," he adds before pulling his hand back and Yoochun blushes, beside himself.
"Changmin!" he screeches but Changmin only laughs and Yoochun watches him walk into his building.
Yoochun walks into the apartment to find Jaejoong lying on the couch. He's got a bottle of beer in his hand and he's watching some variety show that's sending him into laughing fits. Yoochun smiles as he closes the door behind him. He slides off his jacket and walks around the couch slowly.
Jaejoong's eyes look away from the screen and up at him, he smiles. Yoochun has always loved his smile. Years ago Jaejoong mentioned he hated his smile, tried to hide it behind delicate hands. Yoochun's always loved his smile, he has so many of them. But the way he's smiling at him now makes his heart beat faster and the hair on the back of his neck rise.
"Hey," he sits up and Yoochun walks around the couch taking a seat at the edge. Jaejoong kisses his mouth and Yoochun sighs in contentment for a moment. "Did you have fun with Changmin?" he asks licking his lips and Yoochun nods.
He leans against Jaejoong's body and takes in a good breath of air, inhaling his cologne and natural scent. "I'm glad that you're home," he says softly and reaches for his hand. Jaejoong rubs at the skin above his thumb sweetly.
"I brought you some flowers," he says.
Yoochun looks at the beautiful arrangement of roses on the coffee table and he tries not to smile.
"I'm not a girl, Jaejoong," he looks at their hands, though he feels appreciated.
"I considered that," Jaejoong laughs and Yoochun looks at him. "I've got some expensive beer in the refrigerator cooling for you," he grins and Yoochun laughs helplessly.
"You just want to liquor me up to get me easy," he jokes and Jaejoong turns, boxing him within his arms. He looks handsome and predatory.
"Is that so bad?" Jaejoong speaks under his breath and Yoochun folds under his power, bringing his arms around Jaejoong's neck.
He kisses him, long and sweet, opening his mouth with a gentle intrusion of his tongue.
"I love the way you taste," Jaejoong mummers and Yoochun smiles looking into his eyes. "I was thinking we could go out of town this weekend," Jaejoong kisses his lips again and Yoochun slides down on the couch, Jaejoong's pressure comforting against his chest.
He kisses him. "I think that would be nice," he kisses him softly, savoring the tender touch of his mouth. "I've missed you," he tells him honestly and Jaejoong's eyes glitter they way they did when they first started dating.
"I love you," he says suddenly and Yoochun feels a sudden onslaught of tears, though they don't spill.
He hopes going away is the beginning of change. Away from home, from work, from everyone else's problems they can be together. Just the two of them and go back to the way they were.
Yoochun looks out the window at the view from his hotel suite. It's beautiful. Beside him is the untouched breakfast he ordered for Jaejoong the night before as a surprise.
When he woke up Jaejoong was gone and resting on his pillow was a note, written in his handwriting.
Yoochun reads it:
I'm sorry I can't be here when you wake up but I'll do my best to get out of the meeting as soon as possible. Take my card and go shopping, don't worry about the cost.
Love,
Jaejoong
Yoochun folds the note over and sets it beside the untouched breakfast plate.
He turns his eyes towards the window and can see the ocean from where he sits. It looks serene and like it's calling for him. He thinks he'll have to go, even if he has to do it alone.
Jaejoong shows up right before dinner and Yoochun has been watching television for almost five hours. He spent his day shopping and seeing the sights. He even got Jaejoong a beautifully made shirt at one of the most expensive stores in the most expensive area of the city.
"You're back," Yoochun looks over his shoulder and turns his position on the couch. Jaejoong, looking handsome in his business suit and perfect hair, makes his way to where he's sitting and gives him a kiss. It's quick and detached.
"Not for long," Jaejoong says with a frown on his lips as he pulls away and loosens his tie. "I've got dinner reservations," he tells Yoochun and for a moment he's naive enough to believe it’s for the both of them.
"Oh, that's good. I was hoping to spend some time with you," he looks hopefully but Jaejoong's firm, straight lips whittle that hope to nothing. "You're not talking about us," Yoochun deducts and Jaejoong rubs at his eyes. "When you mentioned going away for the weekend, I half expected you meant to spend time with me," Yoochun sighs and turns back around to the television. He can't believe he fell for another veiled charm.
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong says softly and Yoochun scoffs.
"Do you think I believe one word that comes out of your mouth right now?" Yoochun turns and glares at him. "You lied to me. You lied to me to get me here. Why didn't you just tell me the truth?" he demands because he's owed an explanation.
Jaejoong runs a hand though his hair and sighs uncomfortably; Yoochun thinks he should feel uncomfortable. "I didn't want to come alone and I thought-"
"You thought as long as I came, you wouldn't be. You're so fucking selfish," Yoochun shakes his head in disappointment. "I shouldn't have come."
"Yoochun, I'm so-"
"You're sorry," he finishes for him. He laughs even though it’s clearly inappropriate. "You're always sorry, Jaejoong. Well, I am too. I thought this was progress," he shakes his head solemnly; "I'm your boyfriend, not a substitute or here for your beck and call. Had I known this trip was business I wouldn't have come," he tells him and stands up, turning the television off with an angry click of his finger. "I could be home. Doing something, spending time with-"
Jaejoong's eye's flash. "With Changmin?" he questions heatedly and Yoochun doesn't remember the last time he's looked so angry, "who tells you he's having problems with Yunho so you come running to him?"
Yoochun looks at him, lost for words and Jaejoong's eyes are lit with fire and Yoochun scoffs incredulously. "Fuck you, Jaejoong," he walks around the couch heading for the room, "I would rather spend time with someone who cares than someone who doesn't." He stops walking and turns slowly, meeting Jaejoong's eyes. "If you go to your dinner, I won't be here when you come back," he promises and slams the door behind him.
Changmin is waiting for him when his flight lands and they walk together towards the luggage claim.
"It wasn't a good trip?" Changmin asks watching the constant rotation of bags, searching for the lime green piece of luggage he remembers buying with Yoochun.
"I don't want to talk about it." Yoochun spots his bag and reaches for it. Together, with the help of Changmin, they pull it from the conveyer belt. "I just want to go home," he pulls at the handle and they begin walking through Inchon airport together.
Changmin sets his bag in the trunk while Yoochun sits in the passenger's seat and looks out into the night. His heart pounds and he feels sick. On the plane he replayed his conversation with Jaejoong over and over again, remembered the look on his face, the scowl on his lips. He couldn't stop thinking about how the hotel room was empty when he walked out of the bedroom just a short while after their argument. Jaejoong didn't even change his clothes.
Yoochun wipes his eyes and puts a smile on his face when Changmin gets into the car and starts it up. Yoochun knows he can see his tears and tries his best to hide them. "If you want, I can stay with you," Changmin begins pulling out of the parking lot.
He shakes his head and feels more tears fall silently. "It's ok, I think," he wipes his face with the back of his hand, "I just want to be alone," he sniffs and doesn't remember the last time he cried over Jaejoong.
Changmin's arms feel warm around him as he lies in bed.
"He doesn't do it on purpose," Changmin runs his hands through his hair and Yoochun wishes they were as soft as Jaejoong. "He loves you."
Yoochun digs his cheek in his pillow. "I wish I could believe that," he whispers and feels Changmin's arms tighten around him. "I think he's jealous of you," he laughs carefully and Changmin loosens his grip.
"Really?" he asks alarmed.
Yoochun looks over his shoulder and pulls the covers over them tightly, "I cherish your friendship, Changmin," he tells him, clutching onto his arm. "You're my best friend."
Changmin's stays quiet but it doesn't take long before he talks again. "He's insecure," he says rather intelligently and Yoochun wants to agree with him; though he's not sure. Someone who looks and is as successful as Jaejoong shouldn't feel insecure.
"I love him, Changmin," he confesses softly, looking out the window. "Sometimes I try not to. Sometimes I think I could do better, but," he feels the wetness spring to his eyes as he remembers the good times. "But I love him."
"I know," Changmin holds him close. "You don't have to tell me."
Yoochun bites his lip to stop the emotion. "Do you still love Yunho?" he asks cautiously and Changmin holds his breathe. Yoochun can feel him pressed against his back.
"I try not to," he answers with a whisper, "but how do you stop loving someone?" he wonders out loud.
Yoochun closes his eyes and asks himself the same question.
Jaejoong doesn't return for another week and Yoochun can't help wonder if maybe it was because he met someone. "It took you long enough," Yoochun sits on the edge of the bed, watching Jaejoong unpack. "I thought you'd be home sooner."
Jaejoong gives him a sidelong glance. "I thought you needed time," he answers plainly and Yoochun gets to his feet. "Where are you going? You're dressed like you're meeting someone," he comments and Yoochun looks down at his clothes.
He isn't wearing anything particularly special. "What's it matter to you?" he challenges and Jaejoong's hand stops in mid air.
"Yoochun," he drops the shirt back into the suitcase. "Why are you doing this?" he asks him.
Yoochun wets his lips and looks at the clock. He's supposed to meet Changmin in ten minutes at the pool hall. "You've been gone all week and the first thing you ask me is where I'm going?" Yoochun scoffs and reaches for his watch on the desk. "You're making it so easy," he shakes his head and grabs his folded jacket over the vanity chair. "I'm going out."
"With Changmin?" Jaejoong stands up immediately.
Yoochun strides past him. "Yes, with Changmin," he confirms and stops at the door way. "You're right, I did need time. I had a lot of time to think while you were away," he sighs, "I'll be home late," he resigns and leaves him.
They decide to skip the pool hall and just sit and drink at a bar not too far from their apartments. Changmin has rocks in his stomach and knives in his heart.
His eyes are red rimmed and intoxicated. "It's happened," his fingers fumble over an empty shot glass and Yoochun watches him attempt to drink from it. "I caught him," Changmin grumbles, head falling on the high top table. It resounds with a loud smack. "Ow. Fuck," he groans.
Yoochun motions for two more beers from the waiter. "Changmin, I'm sorry," Yoochun pats his shoulder. "It's over?" he questions cautiously and Changmin lifts his head and looks like he's trying not to cry. Yoochun has never seen Changmin cry.
"I can't do it," he sounds pathetic, "I'm so fucking pathetic," he slams a closed fist on the table just as the waiter drops off two more drinks. He yanks it out of his hand and chugs it down.
Yoochun apologizes to the affronted man named Danny and stares in amazement while Changmin doesn't even drop the bottle long enough to breathe. His chest heaves deeply when sets the empty beer on the table and he collapse over his folded arms. "How did you catch him?" Yoochun shakes his arm to rouse him back to consciousness.
Changmin tries to lift his head and after a few failed attempts he's successful. He groans, it's clearly difficult for him to think at the moment. "Well, I followed him," he slurs and burps rather unattractively. Yoochun shakes his head. "Sorry," he apologizes.
"You followed him? Changmin, that's creepy," Yoochun hands him a napkin and he wipes his mouth.
"I'm desperate! Fuck!" he hits the table again angrily, far gone in his own emotion. "I think about it all the time, Yoochun. It's like I'm obsessed. He tells me there isn't anyone. He tells me I'm being paranoid but I'm not stupid. He thinks I'm so fucking stupid," he shakes his head and Yoochun can see his emotion ready to expose itself. Changmin grabs for Yoochun's beer and takes a long drink. "I love him so fucking much I'm ready to believe anything," he wipes at his eyes before anything falls because Changmin is a tough guy. As long as Yoochun has known him, he's never been weak.
"I'm sorry," he says and thinks they've had enough. "We should go, you can't keep drinking and well," he finishes what Changmin left in his bottle; "I should get home to Jaejoong. He's finally come back and as much as I hate to admit it-"
"You missed him," Changmin pulls out his wallet and Yoochun nods.
"I know it's naive but I hope he didn't do anything stupid," Yoochun says softly, trying to comfort the gnawing feeling that he's very wrong. "I can't help it," he shrugs and pulls out some cash after the check is on the table.
"We're completely hopeless," Changmin struggles with the sleeve of his jacket and after a while, once the waiter has taken the tab to the register Yoochun walks around the table and helps Changmin. "Fuck," he mutters stumbling towards the exit.
The owner of the bar asks if he should call them a cab and Yoochun tells him they don't have far to go and leave the bar.
Yoochun holds Changmin's hand, just in case he tips over and falls.
"You know, he was with a girl. A fucking girl," Changmin groans looking sick. "Do you know how insulting that is?"
Yoochun tries to think back on the time he's known Yunho and he's never seen him with a girl. Never. "Are you sure it was a girl?" he asks Changmin and Changmin trips over the uneven cement of the sidewalk. Yoochun tightens his grip and curls an arm around his waist to make sure he doesn't go sailing face first into the ground.
"Yes!" Changmin wails sadly. "She had on a pink shirt and a stupid skirt with flowers on it. Fuck, she was really pretty too," he adds sadly.
Yoochun frowns, "Maybe his parents-"
Changmin flails uncontrollably. "His parents are assholes!" he yells angrily and Yoochun tries to calm him down, hoping the families sleeping in the neighborhood don't start looking through their windows like the nosey people they are.
"Changmin, calm down," he shushes and Changmin grumbles waving his arms wildly, pulling from his embrace and Yoochun grabs his hands and attempts his best to control his erratic motions. "It's late, be quiet."
Changmin glares at the sky. "They want him to get married and have kids. It's such bullshit. It's bullshit!" Changmin stumbles drunkenly. "He likes guys, Yoochun. He likes me," he adds softly. "He loves me," he mumbles and stops walking. "He fucking loves me," and Yoochun thinks there may be tears in his eyes.
Yoochun pauses and looks at his distraught friend. "Changmin, I'm sorry," he apologizes and Changmin wipes at his eyes with a trembling hand.
As he pulls out his keys Changmin turns to him. He's wobbly and unsteady on his feet so Yoochun rushes to hold him up from falling.
"You need help to the door?" he asks him worriedly, the last thing he wants is for Changmin to miss a step on the stairs and tumble to his death.
Changmin shakes his head with assurance. "I'll be fine," he burps and Yoochun feels sick at the smell. "You're a good friend, Yoochun," Changmin mumbles softly and Yoochun can see his eyes glossed over. "You've been here for me and I. Well. Thank you," he finishes, pressing his full weight on Yoochun's lean frame.
"You're my best friend, Changmin. I only want to help," he smiles kindly and makes sure he's stable before moving aside.
"Help," he repeats and turns swiftly, despite his drunken state. He settles his hands on Yoochun's steady shoulders. "I know how you can help," he whispers and he moves too quickly for Yoochun to stop him.
In an instant Yoochun feels his mouth pressed over his and his lips are gentle. Changmin tastes of a mixed cocktail. He's tender and sweet and when his tongue pries his mouth open, Yoochun allows it only for a moment. For a second he lets him because he's not forceful or intrusive. Changmin's kissing him delicately, like a new lover.
It's wrong. Everything about it is wrong and it doesn't take long before Yoochun pulls away. "Changmin," he whispers wiping his mouth.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." He looks flushed under the artificial light of the apartment building. "I'm just fucked up right now," he says with a grimace.
Yoochun squeezes his shoulder. "It's ok. I wish I could help," Jaejoong's face flashes into his head, "but not like that."
Changmin nods in understanding and slightly embarrassed as he stumbles over his feet. "I'm sorry," he says again and holds his keys in his hands. "Thank you for coming out with me tonight, I just needed-" he clears his throat, "I just needed to be with someone who cares," he says and turns away.
Yoochun watches him walk towards the building, the slump of Changmin's defeated shoulders, the way he wobbles on his feet walking like a desperate man. He looks so sad, he thinks about Yunho being with other people. He thinks about the pain Changmin's torturing himself with. He plays every single possible thing Jaejoong could've done without him, thousands of miles away. He didn't even call him. He could've done anything he wanted.
Yoochun's heart stutters, skips for a moment and the overwhelming desire to make both him and Changmin feel better washes over him in a sturdy wave of emotion.
Wait!" he calls and walks over with determined steps and grasps his strong shoulder, flipping him around.
Changmin looks startled, "Yoochun."
"Wait," he says again and moves in, cupping his hands around his face.
He can see the puzzlement in his eyes, the vulnerability and it only confirms his desire to make it better. He kisses him in a rush of emotion and forgets about Jaejoong just for a second. In an instant he considers what it would be like to be single again and he knows it's wrong but the urge is almost suffocating.
Changmin kisses back carefully and Yoochun slides his tongue into his mouth.
But as fast as the desire comes, it lasts only a second and he pulls away.
Changmin opens his eyes in shock and steps back, licking his lips.
And Yoochun thinks about Jaejoong despite himself. He thinks about the touch of his hands, the softness of his lips. He remembers the way he loves how Jaejoong smiles at him and recalls the feeling of being wrapped in Jaejoong's arms. He can't escape him, he hates himself for that. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry," Yoochun apologizes, stumbling back looking guilty.
Changmin touches his mouth. "I understand," he says softly, it's full of understanding and Yoochun can't find it in himself to hate his actions or feel disgusted even though he thinks he should, at least for Jaejoong. Changmin doesn't expect anything and Changmin loves Yunho, no matter how drunk he is, no matter how much he wants to hate him and Yoochun can understand that.
Kissing Changmin only confirms his feelings. If there was ever a moment of complete weakness, this is it and he wants Jaejoong.
He's only ever wanted Jaejoong, no matter the heartache.
"I'm going now," Yoochun rubs his hands on his thighs and begins to back away. Changmin nods. "I'll call you later," he gives a little wave and Changmin smirks drunkenly and heads into the building so Yoochun can't see him anymore.
People do desperate things sometimes. It doesn't mean they mean them.
On the walk home Yoochun feels sick. He stumbles blindly into a rose garden and empties the contents of his stomach. In a rather self deprecating way, it feels like he's ridding himself of the sins he's committed.
Yoochun shivers at the foul taste and feels his eyes burn through the pain in his throat.
It's not that Changmin kissed him that Yoochun finds as the problem; it's that he kissed him back and then kissed him again. Two acts of deceit. He doesn't even know for sure if Jaejoong's been unfaithful and now. Now he's done it. He's done it for sure and he can't take it back.
He wretches again and feels the burn of thorns piercing his skin.
When he's at his front door Yoochun tells himself he must keep it a secret, at least until he knows for sure Jaejoong's done the same to him. He won't bring it up; he won't do or say anything that may let it slip.
If only he could have that much faith in himself to keep silent. He frowns and opens the door.
It's dark inside and Yoochun feels around for the switch.
In an instant the room is flooded in light, the living room is clean and the kitchen smells of chemicals and lemon. He turns on a lamp and hits the switch on the wall, walking towards the hall. He's sober now and his mouth tastes foul.
He brushes his teeth and stares at his reflection. He's pale and looks sick.
Yoochun turns away.
Jaejoong's sleeping on his side of the bed, arms wrapped around his pillow. It churns Yoochun's stomach to watch him so he turns the bathroom light off and lifts the blankets, sliding in behind Jaejoong. His back is warm against his chest and Yoochun presses his nose into his neck, smelling him in desperation.
"Did you have fun?" Jaejoong speaks softly. When Yoochun feels his hand creep around and he slides their fingers together, Yoochun presses his mouth to Jaejoong's shoulder to stop them from trembling. "Are you ok?" he asks when the silence is too long.
Yoochun clears his throat. "It was fun," he answers kissing his neck and Jaejoong turns around in bed. He can't see his face but his breath brushes as soft as feathers against his cheek. "I'm glad you're back," he whispers.
"Me too," Jaejoong answers. "I'm sorry. I don't think sometimes and I'm sorry."
Yoochun reaches in the darkness and slides his hand through his tangled hair, until his fingers curl around his neck. "Stop apologizing," Yoochun gives him a squeeze. "I don't want to hear your apologies. I just want you to love me," he knows he sounds overly emotional and he is but he can't help it.
"I do love you," Jaejoong kisses him. "I'll always love you."
The kiss flashes like lighting across Yoochun's eyes. "No matter what?" he asks softly.
Jaejoong rolls on top of him and presses him down into the bed. "No matter what," he repeats and kisses him again.
Yoochun doesn't call Changmin and Changmin doesn't call him. He thinks it's better this way.
"Did you and Changmin fight?" Jaejoong asks while making dinner. Yoochun doesn't remember the last time Jaejoong was home at night to make dinner. He looks so domesticated with his apron on and the fluffy yellow slippers he gifted him over a year ago.
Yoochun looks up from his work. "What?"
Jaejoong pours some oil in a sauté pan. "You haven't gone out with Changmin, is everything ok?" he looks at him curiously and Yoochun clears his throat.
He's kept it a secret for almost a week. "Yeah," he nods after a moment and turns back to the account he brought home to finish. "Everything's fine," he mutters and slides his pen between his teeth.
Things are starting to feel normal.
Until they stop.
pt. 2