[One-Shot] Shades of Grey pt 2

[ephemeral_blue]

Jaejoong doesn't come home.

And he doesn't answer Yoochun's calls.

Yoochun calls Changmin but he doesn't answer his calls either.

Jaejoong smells like alcohol and smoke when he walks into the bedroom.

"Where were you?" Yoochun asks him when he sees him laying on the bed, fully dressed; looking wasted. Jaejoong doesn't open his eyes.

"Clients," he mumbles and rolls onto his side grabbing the nearest pillow.

He didn't tell him there were any clients to entertain and Jaejoong has always been good when it comes to it.

It makes him feel sick.

Yoochun stands there. "Jaejoong," he calls for him but the distinct sounds of his heavy breathing radiates against the walls. "Jaejoong!" he calls again and presses a hand to his hip, shaking him.

Jaejoong bats his hand away. "Leave me alone. I'm tired," he mumbles and curls around the pillow.

"What clients?" Yoochun shakes him again and Jaejoong opens his eyes briefly.

"They're Japanese," he answers grumpily and moves away from him.

"Why didn't you answer my calls?" Yoochun asks trying hard to suppress the anger. "Jaejoong!" he yells and Jaejoong sighs sitting up.

"Fuck, Yoochun, I'm fucking tired," he snaps and glares for a moment. "They came in today, they wanted to go out. Junsu made me go, chill the fuck out."

Yoochun watches as he rolls to his feet and stands up with a wobble. "You could've answered my calls."

Things were going so well, after he came home, he didn't work so much and for a moment Yoochun thought things were going well. He didn't have to worry.

"Look, it's my fucking job. If they want me to show them a good time, I have too. You're so fucking paranoid. What the hell do you think I'm doing?" he demands an answer, his eyes accusing.

Yoochun swallows loudly and thinks of Changmin for a moment. Just for a moment he remembers the kisses, the secret. "I don't know what you're doing and when you don't answer my calls, I can't help but think you're doing something you shouldn't be," he answers honestly and Jaejoong scoffs.

"I'm going to sleep," he says taking off his jacket and pulling the covers around him. "You can either come to bed or not. I don't care," he says and it sounds like he's someone else.

Yoochun watches him for a moment. When he knows he's asleep Yoochun grabs his phone from the night stand and calls Changmin.

"I've been ignoring you, you've been ignoring me. Let's stop now. I'm sorry, Changmin. Please call me back."

Jaejoong disappears again, like before and when Yoochun asks what he's doing, he always answers the same way.

"Work, Yoochun."

"You've been working too much. I haven't seen you all week."

"Don't worry, Yoochun," he kisses him on the cheek. It's innocent and dissolved of affection. "It's not like I want to do this." Jaejoong fixes his tie and grabs for his watch. "You should call Changmin, you know, so you're not lonely," he suggests.

Yoochun stares incredulously. "Not two weeks ago you were jealous of him."

Jaejoong's fingers still on the silk material of his tie, "I wasn't jealous," he says matter-of-factly but Yoochun knows him well enough to know when he's lying.

"I've called him, he hasn't called me back," Yoochun admits and it makes him feel sad. He hasn't talked to him since the kiss. Had he known a kiss would ruin his relationship, he never would've done it. With Jaejoong super busy, doing god knows what, he feels lonely. He wants his friend back but it appears Changmin doesn't want anything to do with him and it hurts.

"What did you do?" Jaejoong slides himself into his jacket and Yoochun thinks he looks amazing. If only it was for him.

He thinks back on drinks and kisses. He remembers trying to help but cheating never helps. "I didn't do anything," Yoochun walks over to Jaejoong and runs his hands down his shoulders, smoothing out the material. Jaejoong looks wonderful, so handsome.

Jaejoong turns around and he's looking into his eyes. "Well, I'll be home late," he kisses him, this time on the mouth and it somehow feels distant and cold. He misses the nights Jaejoong's kisses made his heart beat faster. "Don't wait up," he says and moves away, leaving the bedroom.

Yoochun follows and watches him grab his wallet from the fireplace. "Jaejoong," he calls out and Jaejoong stops before opening the door.

"What, Yoochun?" he questions and Yoochun moves to him, sliding his fingers into his hair, pulling him in desperately.

He kisses him with passion, hard against his lips, impressing his taste on his tongue, moaning softly as Jaejoong clutches at his back. When he pulls away Yoochun licks his bottom lip. "I love you."

Jaejoong smiles, beautifully, the way he misses, "You're acting weird," he says.

Yoochun feels a pain in his heart when he doesn't say it back. "Have a good time," Yoochun fixes his collar. "I'll miss you."

Jaejoong grins and opens the door. "I'll see you later, Yoochun," he winks and leaves him alone in the house.

Yoochun watches the door close and he wants to cry but doesn't. Sometimes Yoochun thinks Jaejoong is undeserving of his tears.

Changmin calls him and they decide to meet at a bar.

He looks sad.

"I'm sorry I haven't called you back," he apologizes, looking eternally sorry. Yoochun smiles, he's glad he isn't alone again.

"It's ok," he tells him, taking a drink from his beer. "How are things?" he asks him.

Changmin picks at the label of his bottle. He looks tired. "The same, he won't confess and a part of me doesn't want him too."

Yoochun nods thinking about Jaejoong. "Jaejoong's been working late," he tells him. "Usually he'll tell me when clients come in but lately he hasn't been saying anything, just staying out. Working late. He comes home drunk though so how hard can he be working?" he mutters against the lip of the glass bottle.

Changmin nods and looks him in the eyes. "I think I want to tell Yunho."

Yoochun's stomach plummets to his feet. "Changmin."

He shakes his head. "We were drunk, we were vulnerable. They can't hate us for it," he says softly and takes a drink. Yoochun sees the determination in his eyes and he relents. "I don't know what Yunho does when I'm not with him but I want-" he sighs, "I fucking hate secrets, Yoochun. They should know. It didn't even mean anything," he looks at him with heartbroken eyes. "And maybe," there's a small glimmer of hope in his eyes, "maybe if I tell him, he'll tell me." He takes a drink and looks away.

Yoochun can't help but agree. He frowns, "Changmin, if you tell Yunho, I'll tell Jaejoong," he says heavily.

Changmin tries to smile. "Fuck. This sucks," he laughs sadly and orders another beer.

Yoochun and Changmin part ways a block from their apartments but before they do, they stand at the corner of the street.

"I want you to be happy, Yoochun," Changmin holds him by the elbow. He's honest and sincere. "I'm going to tell Yunho tonight," he admits and Yoochun nods, shoving his cold hands into his pockets, breaking from Changmin's hold.

"I don't know what Jaejoong is going to say," he says softly and Changmin takes a few steps closer to him, bringing his hands up and runs his fingers through his hair. It's warm and comforting. Changmin really is beautiful in his heartache.

"I'm scared," he whispers softly. Yoochun touches his face and Changmin grasps his hand holding him steady. "What if I've been wrong?" he asks.

"Everyone is entitled to make mistakes," Yoochun tries to comfort him but he asks himself the same thing. He doesn't know anything; he doesn't know what Jaejoong does when he's not around him. There is a very real possibility he's imagined everything and Jaejoong has truly been a faithful lover.

Though Yoochun's intuition has never been wrong. Never.

Changmin clutches Yoochun's hand and gives it a squeeze before he pulls away and takes a deep breath. "I'll call you. I may need a place to stay," he laughs and it's sorrowful.

Yoochun pats his shoulder and pulls out his phone. It's already late and he wonders if Jaejoong is home, he's pretty sure he isn't and won't be for a long time. "I may need a place too," he tries to soothe and Changmin's eyes sparkle under the moon. "Maybe we'll need to stay in a hotel."

"Separate rooms," Changmin jokes and Yoochun nods.

"Separate rooms," he repeats and begins to walk away slowly. "I'm going. Good luck," he waves and Changmin nods.

The last thing Yoochun sees is his careful smile before he heads down the street alone.

Yoochun plans to tell Jaejoong the moment he walks through the door. If Changmin is brave enough to tell Yunho, then he should be brave enough to tell Jaejoong.

Yoochun rests back on the couch and turns on the television as he reaches for the throw blanket. He decides he'll wait up for him, even if Jaejoong told him not to.

"Yoochun," he can hear Jaejoong's voice above him as Yoochun's eyes flutter open sleepily.

His eyes are glassy and drunk and his fingers are creeping into his shirt. Yoochun shivers under the blanket and presses against the touch of his hand. "You're home," he mutters and frees a hand, looping it around Jaejoong's neck to pull him down. He kisses him and there's something about the way he tastes. He doesn't taste the same and Yoochun pulls away.

"What did you do?" Yoochun questions, becoming alert. He moves away immediately and searches his eyes while Jaejoong stands up straight and pulls at his tie.

"I had a lot to drink," he coughs and begins stumbling towards the hallway. "Shower," he mumbles and disappears around the corner.

Yoochun watches him, his chest tight, his hands shaking. He shoves the cover off his legs and stands up, feeling lightheaded he has to steady himself.

Jaejoong is in the shower when he enters the bedroom. He can hear the steady flow of water.

There's something suffocating in the room, the air, the fear, the disappointment. Yoochun's eyes dart to his clothes, his jacket thrown on the bed. He doesn't know what he expects to find as he reaches for it and sits on the bed.

It smells like smoke and the faint mixture of perfume and cologne. Yoochun's hand shakes while his fingers investigate the pockets; a pack of cigarettes, a receipt for a very expensive dinner. Matches and a lighter. He bites at his lip and curls his fingers around the material of the jacket and feels his phone.

Yoochun's heart stops for a moment before he opens the jacket and digs into his inside pocket. He holds Jaejoong's phone in his hand and thinks about what he's about to do. He thinks it's childish, grown men shouldn't be looking through their boyfriend's phone to check up on him. He isn't fifteen years old but he wants to know.

Yoochun looks up towards the bathroom and listens to make sure the water is still running. He can still hear it and he turns back to the phone; carefully he flips it open and turns it on. The screen lights up after a couple seconds and he frowns at the background picture of Jaejoong. "So fucking conceited," he mutters to himself and makes his way to the call log. He scrolls over the names and numbers and recognizes a few names, his own, Yunho's, his mothers, his sisters. There are several other numbers with no names but the name and number that seems to have the most calls is Junsu. Junsu who he's never met in person, who seems to be the main force behind keeping him out all night with clients. In fact, Yoochun scrolls down, Jaejoong calls Junsu even more than he calls him.

Yoochun closes the phone and takes a deep breath. He looks towards the bathroom. Jaejoong is taking a long shower, he wonders if he fell asleep. Another thought pops into his mind and he opens the phone again and makes his way to Jaejoong's texts.

Jaejoong is a texting fiend. When he's not on the phone, he's texting. If there are any answers to Yoochun's questions, he's pretty sure he'll find them there.

He's surprised there are no texts in his inbox. Not a single one.

Yoochun's stomach clenches unhappily. He's only known one reason to erase texts and that's to cover tracks.

The water stops in the bathroom and Yoochun fumbles the phone clumsily as he stows it back into the pocket and he hugs the jacket to his chest as he waits for Jaejoong to come out of the bathroom.

The moment he sees him he wants answers and he knows to get them, he'll have to make the first move. So he waits.

He can feel his insides tearing up with worry as he hears the door open and an opaque cloud of smoke slithers through the air. It's only a moment before Jaejoong appears, bare chested with a fluffy black towel wrapped around his waist.

Yoochun swallows the pain in his throat as he admires Jaejoong's body, firm and sculpted. He catches his eyes and they're glossy.

He hopes his confessions will only strengthen their relationship. He's not ready to live a life without Jaejoong in it. He wants to finally know the truth.

Jaejoong smiles when he sees Yoochun watching him. He smirks and throws the towel in his hand around his neck. Yoochun tries to smile but with what he's about to say, he can't find it in himself to be appeasing.

"I kissed him," he says instantly, straight faced and intentional.

Jaejoong's smiles falls momentarily and he tries to laugh. "What?" He knows what Yoochun said, he can tell by the way he stumbles just an inch and his fingers clench around the towel on his neck.

Yoochun sets Jaejoong's jacket aside and looks at him solemnly. "Your turn." He wants him to admit something now that he's shared his own sins.

Jaejoong's mouth opens and closes, he grasps the towel around his neck tightly. "You. You what?" he says slowly and suddenly looks sober. "What are you talking about?"

Yoochun swallows heavily and tells himself it's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. "Changmin kissed me, I kissed back," he confesses, his eyes tearing up and he hates the instantaneous emotion, "we kissed again. Now," he controls his voice and ignores the horrified look that crosses Jaejoong's eyes. "It's your turn."

But Jaejoong doesn't say anything. He stands there gaping at him and Yoochun hates the betrayed look in his eyes. Not once in three years has he seen the look in his eyes. "You kissed Changmin?" he asks and Yoochun sighs tiredly.

"Jaejoong-"

He interrupts him. "Wait. No," he rests his hands on his hip for a moment just a moment before they fall at his sides tensely and he curls and uncurls his fingers. "You fucking kissed him?" he clenches his teeth and looks incredulous. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he demands.

Yoochun takes a deep breath. He won't let Jaejoong deter him from his point. He just wants him to confess. He needs him too. Yoochun counts to ten in his head. "Your turn, Jaejoong," he says firmly.

Jaejoong storms to the dresser and Yoochun can see he's shaking. He grabs a pair of shorts and slams the drawer angrily. "My turn to what?" he flips around and glares at Yoochun, his eyes filled with anger and something that almost seems sad. It's a rare sight and Yoochun tries not to let it get to him. "What are you talking about? I don't know what that means," he throws the towel around his neck on the bed. "What the fuck does that mean?" he snaps.

Yoochun jerks when his voice barks like that, so heated, so biting. He curls his fingers around his legs and squeezes painfully. "It's your turn to tell me what you've done."

Jaejoong takes a deep breath and his mouth quivers in anger. "I haven't done anything," he says slowly, just. Looks at him. His shoulders fall and the light dims behind in his eyes. "You kissed him?" he repeats carefully, quietly and like he really doesn't want to believe its truth.

Yoochun's heart plummets; it's the way he says it as if it's unbelievable. It wasn't supposed to be this difficult. "Jaejoong-"

He shakes his head and stops him from continuing. "No," he lets the towel fall as he pulls his underwear on and Yoochun looks away suddenly embarrassed to look at him naked, he's seen him naked hundreds of times, has been the cause of his nakedness but it's different. With just a small few words, everything has become different.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jaejoong asks him, shaking his head. He stands, his hair wet, his eyes foggy and unnaturally emotional. "Why? I mean. Seriously?" he stutters and Yoochun closes his eyes to take deep clearing breaths of air.

He needs to control the erratic beat of his heart before it shoots clear out of his chest. It's not going well. Nowhere near the direction he expected the conversation to go.

Jaejoong is clearly upset and Yoochun never imagined he would be, not when he's positive there are secrets on his lips.

"It's your turn," Yoochun holds onto to the hope that he didn't just make the mistake of his life. He needs Jaejoong to confess to something. Anything. "I told you what I've done now," he takes a deep breath, sounding appeasing and reassuring that whatever secrets Jaejoong has in his closet, he can clear them. He looks into Jaejoong's red eyes. "Now it's your turn. You can tell me anything," he feels the tears pooling terribly in his eyes, threatening to spill at Jaejoong's confession. "Just. Just tell me now."

He stands by the bed, looks at Yoochun; pierces him with turbulent pupils, complex emotions written beautifully across his face. "You're so stupid," he shakes his head sadly.

And he knows he's made a mistake. No matter what has left his mouth, Jaejoong is adamantly denying any wrong doing and Yoochun thinks he may have been wrong this entire time. He makes one last effort, he couldn't have been wrong. He couldn't have. Being wrong means he cheated, means he cheated on a good boyfriend. "I know you have, just tell me. I kissed Changmin. So tell me. I fucked up." Yoochun stands up carefully and takes a step towards him. "You can tell me now," he insists hopefully.

Jaejoong holds a hand up. "Stop talking," he orders harshly, painfully. He weaves his fingers through his hair with trembling hands. "I've never done anything," he says poignantly and Yoochun bows his head. "You. With Changmin," he closes his eyes, "You're so fucking stupid."

It's like a movie, where betrayal is the antagonist and Yoochun is the damsel who ruined everything. Everything.

Jaejoong rushes past Yoochun and when Yoochun tries to reach for him, he moves out of his grasp in horror and clamps his hand around the door knob, clutching it tightly in his fingers, holding himself up. His skin is still damp from the shower and his chest is heaving out of breath or from anger, maybe frustration. "Get out," he whispers softly, so softly Yoochun struggles to hear him. Though he does and clearly so. It's the only noise in the room save his pounding heart.

Yoochun stares at him. "Jae-"

He opens the door wider and swallows loudly, he looks tortured or what Yoochun thinks may be tortured since he's never actually seen it. "I'm really angry right now," Jaejoong says slowly, intentionally, as his free hand curls into a fist, his nails digging into his skin. "I don't think I can look at you right now," he bites his lips to stop whatever emotion is strumming through his body.

Yoochun's shoulders tense. He was wrong and now, now there needs to be damage control; now he needs to explain himself. The feeling begins to claw at his stomach, begins to ripple under his skin and he thinks he's getting heartburn. He was stupid and he was drunk and if Jaejoong only knew they were both so frustrated, both so convinced they were being cheated on, maybe he wouldn't look at him like he hates him.

"We were drunk," Yoochun begins to explain but Jaejoong laughs cruelly.

"Maybe you didn't hear me," he manages to let go of the door and Yoochun watches him walk over and clamp his powerful hand around his wrist. He's never felt Jaejoong touch him so unkindly and Yoochun can feel his eyes burn. Jaejoong looks right at him, in his eyes, piercing him with anger and betrayal. "I told you to get out." He gives him a strong pull and soon Yoochun is stumbling behind him, through the hall, past the living room and right in front of the door. "You've got to go," he insists his mouth curled down into a menacing frown.

Yoochun's chin trembles, he won't cry, but it's hard not to, not when the love of his fucking life is looking at him so terribly. Not when he still thinks he could be right about Jaejoong and he's only reacting to his bruised ego. There is no possible way he's been perfect in this entire relationship. He knows it. He needs to believe it. "I'm trying to be honest with you," Yoochun puts his hand on the door to stop Jaejoong from opening it but Jaejoong is clearly stronger than he is and he opens it easily, moving aside to throw him out if he needs to.

"Go," Jaejoong doesn't even look at him, turns his glance away from him, as if he were a dog; an animal that doesn’t deserve to be loved.

Yoochun watches him for a moment and takes a step closer then another and another until he's inches away and he can hear Jaejoong's uneven breathing. A part of him wants to touch Jaejoong, wants to feel his skin, memorize it; indulge in the beauty of its flawlessness. But Jaejoong won't let him. He doesn't want to be touched, at least not by him and he moves from his grasp, moves away like he were a disease. Yoochun holds in the cry, holds in the terrible lump in his throat threatening to explode in tears. Instead he tries to be strong, even if it's a lie.

"It was just a kiss. We were drunk, it meant nothing," he says softly and Jaejoong looks at him, into his eyes and they are glistening, willing to believe him but not ready to accept it. "You've been breaking my heart every night for longer than I can remember," he tells him for the first time, lays his heart out for him to see. "Go ahead and be mad," he whispers, "When you're ready to tell me, I'll come back."

And he leaves.

He gets half a block down before he starts crying.

Crying so hard he can barely see the sidewalk ahead of him.

Changmin opens the door just as Yoochun pulls his phone from his ear.

"Oh fuck," he mutters and he still looks a little drunk.

It seems like everything happened in slow motion and took forever but it took maybe an hour.

"I'm sorry," he wipes at his eyes and tries to stop the tears.

Changmin walks him to the couch; he must look like a mess.

"It's ok," he sets him down and wobbles a little bit to the kitchen. Yoochun sniffs and rubs at his nose with the cuff of his shirt. He sees a picture of Changmin and Yunho on the coffee table through his blurry vision and he reaches over to pick it up.

He thinks he looks really happy and they look good together.

They are an amazing looking couple.

There's another picture and he sets the first one down and picks up the other frame. They're standing in front of what looks like the Eifel Tower. He didn't know they went to Paris.

Changmin sets a Cup of Noodles in front of Yoochun and Yoochun looks up sadly at him.

"Are you really trying to feed me right now?" he asks and Changmin looks completely hopeless.

"I." he shrugs and cross his arms over his chest. "I don't know what to do," he answers honestly. It seems Yoochun has always been his source of comfort; never did he imagine he would have to be the stronger of them. Yoochun feels himself cry a little more. "It helps me," he sounds apologetic and moves the food closer to him in offering.

"It's ok," he pats his knee and sets the picture down and he reaches for the steaming styrofoam cup. He brings it to his lips and blows to cool his first sip.

Changmin yawns regretfully. "So you told him," he says carefully and uses the back of his hand to wipe the damp tear streaks staining Yoochun's cheek. Yoochun sniffs and lowers the cup to his lap, looking at his hands. "Was it as bad as it looks?" he asks and Yoochun sniffs again and shakes his head.

"He got really mad," he answers and wipes at his eyes. He can't bring himself to look at Changmin. "He said he didn't-" he shakes his head and bites at his lip. "He didn't do anything," he finishes and Changmin sighs beside him.

"Yunho hasn't come home," Changmin tells him, as if it will make things a little better. It doesn't, although Yoochun is almost positive now that Yunho is totally cheating on his friend and that makes him feel terrible. "Did he break up with you?" he asks and Yoochun shakes his head and takes another drink.

The hot soup burns down his throat but feels oddly comforting. "It was just a kiss," he sighs and braves a glance at Changmin with a frown. "I don't think we'll break up over that, at least," he sniffs again, "I hope not anyway."

Changmin nods and Yoochun can see him eyeing his food. He narrows his eyes at him for a second, "You've got to be kidding me," he mutters and hands it over. Changmin smiles and knocks his knee against Yoochun's affectionately. Yoochun eyes an errant noodle on the side of the cup and he reaches up and pulls it out easily. "He says he hasn't done anything but I don't believe him," he shrugs and chews slowly on the noodle, staring blanking ahead of him.

Changmin wipes at the soup skid by his lip and sets the cup on the table top. "Maybe he's just asking for some alone time," he suggests and Yoochun thinks that sounds reasonable. He feels a little sorry for Changmin who doesn't even know where Yunho is.

"Have you tried calling Yunho?" Yoochun turns the conversation around and Changmin grimaces.

"He's not answering," he scratches at his neck. "I don't know," he sighs and leans back on the couch with a terrible frown on his lips. "I don't think he'll care that we kissed. I don't think he'd care if I wasn't home when he came back," he yawns again and Yoochun places a comforting hand on his knee.

"I'm sorry, Changmin."

He wipes at his eyes and laughs. "It's not your fault," he exhales and runs his hands up and down his thighs. "Yunho's changed," he admits more to himself than to Yoochun. "There was a time Yunho didn't do anything without telling me," he wipes at eyes sadly. "I don't know," he shakes his head. "I don't know what he's doing."

Yoochun gives him the rest of his food and Changmin smiles sadly. "Eat," he tells him and watches with careful eyes as his best friend swallows most of the food in one heavy gulp.

There's something about terrible situations and food. The mix is clearly a perfect match.

Changmin uses a dirty napkin from his pocket to wipe at his mouth. He's silent, brutally quietly as he keeps his gaze on the wall ahead of them. He's handsome in his pain and Yoochun wishes for a moment he could console him the way a lover would, dragging him into a sense of comfort. But Changmin is a friend he cherishes and Jaejoong is the man he loves so he grasps at his hand and holds it like the world is ending and he's there right beside him.

Changmin smiles affectionately and thankful. "I don't know if I've thanked you for being here, Yoochun," Changmin speaks carefully, without looking at him.

Yoochun feels his despair inching away from him. "You don't have to tell me anything, Changmin," he answers and Changmin's fingers tighten around his. "I know."

After a moment, a good thoughtful minute, he stands up. "Come on," he pulls Yoochun to his feet and drags him to the door.

Yoochun follows behind him confused. "What are we doing?"

Changmin grabs his wallet from the table by the front door and shoves his keys into his pocket. "I'm not going to stay here," he says and opens the door. "Fuck him," he looks back over his shoulder and scans the room and it looks like he's making a memory. Yoochun sees him take a deep breath and there are tears in his eyes. "He doesn't care. So," he swallows heavily, "neither should I," he takes a deep breath and closes the door behind him. "We're getting a room."

The room is big and expensive. There's a king bed and they look at each other briefly; it was the only room available. They've shared a bed before, in slightly better circumstances, though only slightly. There's nothing to worry about.

"I'm going to take a shower," Changmin tells him and Yoochun nods walking towards the desk. He sees an empty pad of paper and a pen and for a moment he considers writing Jaejoong a letter. But what use would it be?

"Ok," Yoochun nods and takes a seat at the desk. "I'll take one after you," he says and Changmin throws his belongings on the bed casually.

"I won't be long," he promises tugging at his shirt and Yoochun turns away briefly to give him some privacy. "I shower fast," he laughs and Yoochun smiles to himself. Jaejoong takes a lifetime in the bathroom.

"Ok," Yoochun nods. "Go. I'll be here," he tells him and Changmin tosses his shirt on the bed, gloriously confident of his own skin and Yoochun admires it blatantly. Though he thinks Jaejoong is much more defined in his nakedness.

While Changmin disappears behind the bathroom doors Yoochun grabs the pen. He thinks maybe he can filter his emotions through writing, although without Jaejoong standing in front him he doesn't know how successful that will be.

Yoochun rolls over when he hears his phone ringing. He can hear Changmin snoring from the other side of the bed. His head hurts and he when he shakes it to see clearly he hates himself for it.

Jaejoong is calling and he stares at the phone for a few seconds before he realizes his voicemail will pick up soon if he doesn't answer it.

"Hey," he says deeply, yawning directly into the phone as he rolls onto his back and stares up at the water stained ceiling. For such an expensive room, he'd think they would take care of such problems.

"Where are you?" Jaejoong asks.

Yoochun yawns again and looks over at the clock; it's not even seven o'clock. He's had about two hours of sleep. "I'm downtown, in a hotel."

Jaejoong is silent for a moment, longer than a moment and Yoochun fears he may fall asleep on him if he doesn't say something soon. "Are you alone?" he asks tentatively.

Yoochun looks over and he can see the expanse of Changmin's shoulders, wide and masculine. He smiles sadly, remembering the long talk filled with heartache and tears. "No," he says and throws the covers off of him; he needs to use the bathroom.

"I figured," Jaejoong mutters over the phone carefully. "Yunho called, asking if I knew where Changmin was," he says, "I figured you'd be with him." He doesn't sound bothered by it, says it as if it were normal, as if he's accepted it but there seems to be a ghost of resentment in his tone.

Yoochun walks to the bathroom and turns the light on. He looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and he looks haggard. "He's my best friend, Jaejoong," Yoochun tells him and leans against the counter. "I'm not going to leave my best friend alone when he needs me."

Jaejoong remains silent for a moment. "I'm your boyfriend. I'm supposed to be your best friend," he finally says and Yoochun rolls his eyes.

"You're not around enough to be my best friend. You're hardly around enough to be my boyfriend," he adds quickly and rubs at his eyes. It's too fucking early for this.

"We need to talk," Jaejoong wastes no time and Yoochun sighs. "I want you to come home."

"What about Changmin?" Yoochun wakes up a little and turns the faucet on. "I can't just leave him here." He splashes some water on his face.

Jaejoong sighs. "It's me or him, Yoochun."

He never thought he would be preposition with such an idea. It's almost absurd.

Yoochun scoffs and pulls the phone from his ear. He thinks Jaejoong is being ridiculous. He pees and can hear Jaejoong's voice from the speaker calling for him. When he's finished and has washed his hands he picks the phone back up.

"What's there to talk about?" he says immediately and Jaejoong goes silent. He confessed his discretions and Jaejoong kicked him out. There isn't much to talk about.

"Yoochun. You kissed Changmin," he breaks away and Yoochun remembers the horrible fear he had before confessing. It was just a drunken kiss. It meant nothing. He had a lapse of judgment. That's all it was. "We need to talk," he repeats and Yoochun sighs.

He thinks on it.

"I'll be there in about half an hour," he tells him and hangs up the phone.

Yoochun walks out of the bathroom and crawls into bed, shaking Changmin's shoulder.

"Changmin," he whispers and Changmin bats at him mumbling incoherently in his sleep. "Changmin, I'm going home," he shakes him again and Changmin's eyes flutter open for a moment.

"Yunho?" he asks gently and Yoochun feels his heart stop.

"No," he runs his hand through his hair, brushing gently against his temple. "No, it's me, Yoochun," he says and leans down kissing his cheek. "I'm going home," he tells him and moves away. Changmin mutters as Yoochun grabs for his wallet.

He looks at his friend once more and leaves the hotel room, heading home.

Jaejoong is waiting for him when he calls. He opens the door the moment Yoochun knocks and he's wearing the shorts he had on when he left.

Yoochun doesn't try anything; doesn't even attempt to look at him. He walks to the couch and takes a seat.

The smell of coffee hits him and he thanks Jaejoong when he sets a mug filled with some in front of him.

Jaejoong looks like he hasn't slept at all and yet, he's still the most beautiful man Yoochun has ever laid eyes on.

Yoochun takes a careful drink and doesn't say anything.

So Jaejoong does. "I hate you for kissing Changmin," he says quietly and quite awfully the tears form in Yoochun's eyes, tears of insufferable regret. "But you told me about it," he chews at his lip. Yoochun touches his wrist to his nose and breathes in, trying his best to stifle the sniffle. "You told me and that's a good thing," he nods and looks at him. Dead in the eye.

Yoochun feels a terrible dread at the look on his face, the way Jaejoong pulls his hands in and moved away slightly.

"I need to tell you something," and there's something secretive in his voice. Something sad, something worth worrying about.

Yoochun grips the mug between his hands and prepares his heart. "What did you do?" he speaks for the first time and Jaejoong runs his hands through his hair restlessly.

He stands suddenly and Yoochun watches him desperately, holding his breath. "I. Um. Fuck," he rests his hands on his hips and bows his head for a moment. "I need to think, give me a second," he asks and brings a hand to his mouth, rubbing carefully before he looks back up at him.

The longer it takes for him the more Yoochun feels sick. "Jaejoong-"

He shakes his head sharply, "Don't," he tells him. "I need you to not talk right now because I need to say this," he clears his throat and his eyes are more emotional than he's ever seen. "Ok. Yoochun," he waves his hand but then it falls at his side limply when he doesn't say more. "I. Well," he clears his throat having difficulty, "I haven't done anything, like you may be thinking," he begins talking, fidgeting and moving nervously.

He thinks if Jaejoong just doesn’t say it, he'll kill him. This is worse, the anticipation of what he's done and clearly he's done something, is worse. "Just tell me," Yoochun asks him softly and Jaejoong stills.

He breathes heavily. "Ok," he nods confidently and closes his eyes. Yoochun's fingers clutch at the mug. "About a year ago the company brought in a new District Manager; it was my job to train him," Jaejoong begins his story, "he and I got close," he swallows painfully and Yoochun can see the strength leaving his shoulders, the light dimming into sorrow.

Yoochun's head falls forward and his chin touches his chest.

"We've never done anything; haven't slept together or even kissed. We've hugged," he pauses, "we've held hands," Jaejoong admits painfully. "We've basically spent time together. A lot. A lot of time together and not just with clients."

Yoochun feels as if the world is closing in on him. Jaejoong has never been gentle, never been a man who's acted affectionately towards other people, not since he's known him. It took almost 6 months worth of dating before he let him hold his hand. Before he kissed him. It almost feels too painful to hear.

"I like him," he finally says it, his confession. "I think I may even love him, Yoochun."

He's heard about people's hearts breaking. Though he never really thought it was possible. Until now.

"Jaejoong," he looks at him and there's a tear running down Jaejoong's cheek. It looks out of place, Jaejoong never cries. Never.

"I'm sorry," he says and slowly moves to the couch and touches his leg, his hand warm and wet under his palm. "You kissed Changmin because you thought I was cheating," he says sadly and Yoochun doesn't want him to touch him so he moves away and Jaejoong frowns apologetically. "I. I kind of have been," he admits softly.

Yoochun shakes his head incredulously. "Who is it?" but he thinks he knows the answer. The number he remembers seeing; the number who Jaejoong calls most often, more often than him. He looks at him. "Junsu," he says painfully and Jaejoong doesn't turn away, nor does he make any indication that he's wrong.

Instead, he covers his eyes with his hand, blocking away the shame, the horrible shame that crosses his face down to the frown of his lips.

He wonders how it's possible to feel so completely devastated and betrayed and confused all at once.

"There's something else," Jaejoong says and Yoochun doesn't understand what else there could be.

Isn't it bad enough?

Yoochun sighs, taking a painful breath of air into his lungs. "What?" he asks him. Though he's not sure he really wants to know.

Jaejoong stands back up and scratches at his neck, looking pitiful. "Last week, the trip," he pauses and Yoochun feels ready to throw up as Jaejoong continues. "When you left me last weekend," he stops for a moment and Yoochun prepares to hear the worst, "I called him and we spent the week together. We did. I did everything I knew you want to do… with him," he finishes softly.

Yoochun doesn't know what to say. This. It's so much worse than he expected. A kiss, a flirtation, even possibly a meaningless one-night stand he was expecting. This is so much worse.

When he kissed Changmin it was out of drunkenness, out of fear and vulnerability. It lasted seconds, seconds because his heart was dedicated to Jaejoong.

Always has been.

Yoochun feels his pain fall passionately to his cheeks and when Jaejoong tries to touch him he jerks away. "I don't," he shakes his head. "I thought. I thought you were going to tell me something horrible but this. Jaejoong," he wipes at his face. This isn't even close.

"I'm sorry," he starts but Yoochun shakes his head and stops him. He doesn't want to hear it. He's heard enough.

"No," he holds his hands up, "stop saying you're sorry. You're always sorry," he breathes. Yoochun closes his eyes. "I don't want to hear anymore, Jaejoong," he whispers. He doesn't think he can take it. Not something like this. He lived him with. He acted like himself with him. Junsu got to see his smile, got to wake up and spend every minute of every day with him. "Stop," he opens his eyes with damp lashes and tries not to cry as he looks at Jaejoong's struggling emotion. "Just stop now."

"I love you," Jaejoong says softly and Yoochun scoffs incredulously past his pain.

"What are you doing?" he demands and he sets his coffee mug on the table. "You called me stupid. You told me you hadn't done anything. This," Yoochun controls the tremble of his lips, "This isn't nothing, Jaejoong. This is. Fuck, this isn't nothing," he shakes his head and stands up swiftly. "I have to go."

Jaejoong bites his lip emotionally. "Yoochun," he begs and his voice is wet with emotion. "But we didn't do anything-"

Yoochun stares at him sadly. "I kissed Changmin because I was drunk, I was vulnerable. For a moment I wondered what it would be like to get away from this fucking pain. It was only an instant. A second, Jaejoong. And when we kissed I thought of you. It was always you," he moves away from the couch towards the door. "I need to go," he mutters and opens the door.

"Wait!" he yells and walks to him, unsteady on his feet. "This isn't fair. You told me to tell you, you asked. Isn't this what you wanted?" he asks.

Yoochun thinks for a moment, takes him in and Jaejoong moves in close and closer until he can smell the beautiful scent of his skin; the lilac body wash he bought him for Valentine's Day. "It is," he finally answers and Jaejoong sighs terribly, his arms coming around him, holding him. He's warm and his face is damp on his neck. "But it's not what I expected. I thought you you'd tell me you were sleeping with someone. Something different. I didn't think you'd fall in love-"

"I can't. I can't tell you it's love," Jaejoong kisses his neck, pulls away and brings his hands to his face. "But do I love you."

Yoochun looks into his tear stained eyes. "I need to think," he touches Jaejoong's hands, holds them for a moment before he slides them from his cheek. "I need to think about this," he says and steps away towards the door. "I'm leaving now," he whispers and feels his fingers slipping from Jaejoong's hold as he walks out.

Yoochun doesn't go back to the hotel and he turns off his phone when Jaejoong won't stop calling him. He leaves him message after message. He tells him he'll move departments. He tells him he loves him. He tells him he wants him to come home.

Yoochun finishes what's left the last voicemail and turns his phone off again.

He licks his cracked lips and crosses his legs over each other as he leans back on the park bench.

He hates how the world swims in front of his eyes.

Yoochun finds himself at Yunho and Changmin's apartment. Yunho opens the door and he looks disheveled and Yoochun frowns at him.

"Is Changmin here?" he asks plainly and Yunho shakes his head.

"I haven't seen him all day," he answers and opens the door for him. "Want to come in?"

Yoochun wants to punch him but walks through despite himself. "Do you know when he's coming back?" he asks making his way to the couch.

Yunho closes the door behind him and scratches at his neck. "I don't know," he answers truthfully and sighs, taking a seat on the chair opposite him. "Do you know where he is?" he asks hesitantly and Yoochun glares at him.

"If I knew where he was do you think I would be here?" he snaps and Yunho clears his throat uncomfortably. He stares at him until it makes him fidget. He wants to berate him, he wants to dig at him, wants to make him feel a foot tall. "What are you doing?" he asks after a few minutes of silence.

Yunho looks at him crossing his legs nervously. "What are you talking about?"

Yoochun shakes his head and thinks of the events earlier today. "You're fucking up one of the greatest guys I know," he clenches his fists together in anger. "Do you even know how much he loves you? Can you even understand what you're putting him through? For you, you son of a bitch," he shakes his head and stands up.

Yunho jumps to his feet but doesn't say anything as Yoochun walks to the door. Yoochun turns to him.

"You don't deserve him. Whatever you're doing, he's worth so much more and what you do deserve is to have him leave you." He opens the door but isn't finished. "You may not be fucking anyone but you're fucking with him and no one deserves that," he finishes and walks out.

He turns is phone on and calls Changmin, tells him to call him when he can and hangs up.

Jaejoong's number pops up immediately. He considers pressing ignore but he doesn't.

"Yeah?" he walks slowly down the street, taking care not to bump into the steady rush of people coming at him.

"Where are you?" he asks softly, tentatively.

Yoochun looks up at the street light. "I'm downtown," he says and waits at the corner until he can walk.

"Are you coming back?" he asks hopefully.

Yoochun starts walking the moment the light turns red and presses the phone to his ear. "I'm not ready."

He can hear Jaejoong's voice shake as he takes a breath. "Ok. But you will right?"

He doesn't answer.

"Yoochun. You will come home right?"

"I don't know," Yoochun answers softly, thankful he's got sunglasses to cover his tears. "I'm hanging up now."

Yoochun gets coffee at one of his favorite spots in the city and he sits and thinks. He thinks about Changmin and Yunho. He thinks about Jaejoong. He mostly thinks about Jaejoong and his heart breaks, shatters into pieces.

People see his tears and ask if he's ok. He tells them he's fine and watches the drops from his eyes stain the white table cloth.

Changmin picks him up at the coffee shop.

Yoochun grabs his hand the moment he sits down and they pull out onto the street.

He doesn't pry. It's one of the beauties of Changmin's character.

They drive out of town, past fields and green hills.

Yoochun sniffs, there are no more tears. He doesn't think he can cry anymore. "He thinks he loves someone else," Yoochun tells him softly.

Changmin sighs. "That's bad," he apologizes and speeds up.

Yoochun nods, looking out the window. "He says they haven't done anything. Haven't kissed or slept together," he brings his fingers to his mouth and chews carefully at his abused nails. "Nothing like that, but. But, that almost makes it worse."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Yoochun admits. He still loves him. This hasn't made him stop loving him and he thinks that's important. "Just, keep driving," he sighs and slumps down in his seat.

It's dark outside when Changmin drops him off. He tells him he loves him and gives him a tight hug, holding onto him and trying his best to gather some strength.

"Call me if you want," Changmin tightens his arms around his back.

Yoochun squeezes. "I will," he mutters and pulls away, getting out of the car.

He has to face Jaejoong. It's unavoidable and although he hates to look at him, he wants to see him.

After a few minutes of calming himself down he uses his key to unlock the door and opens it.

The living room looks the same; he holds his breath as he walks through the hallways. The bedroom door is closed and he hesitates before he opens it.

Jaejoong is on the floor, legs pulled to his chest and he's looking at their couple picture. His eyes are red and puffy and a soft gasp of surprise escapes him when he sees Yoochun.

"Yoochun," he breathes but doesn't make a move otherwise.

It's hard to look at him without wanting to cry. He's still beautiful. He's still Jaejoong, who he loves. Yoochun swallows painfully and walks into the room. "How are you?" he thinks the questions sounds almost ludicrous but he can't help it.

Jaejoong smiles sadly, "Not good," he admits and turns to look back at the picture. "You?" he asks.

He moves towards the bed and takes a seat with a sigh. "Not good either," he admits and when he see's Jaejoong pull a hand away and reach for him he shakes his head. "Don't," he orders and Jaejoong nods and wraps it around his leg again.

He's never felt so uncomfortable, so wounded sitting alone with Jaejoong in their room. The air is tense and fogged with painful emotions.

"Why did we choose that picture?" Jaejoong speaks after awhile.

Yoochun looks up at the smiling faces. He remembers the both of them excited to see the result of the impromptu photo session. "We looked the happiest in that one," he answers softly.

At first glance, they're right. They do look happy, smiling, shining in the glow of contentment. The longer he looks at it, the more he wonders if Jaejoong really was happy then.

"I made a mistake," Jaejoong says, uncurling his legs in front of him, pulling his hands together on his lap.

Yoochun turns to him; it's painful seeing him looking so broken. It's painful feeling broken. "Falling in love with someone else is not a mistake, Jaejoong," he rubs at his arm slowly. "No, this is bigger than just a mistake."

Jaejoong closes his eyes and sighs loudly as he stands up and sits on the bed, not touching Yoochun but close enough that Yoochun can feel his warmth. "I know," he nods understandably, looking awful and sick. "But, Yoochun, I didn't do anything with him-"

"I really don't want to hear-"

Jaejoong turns and grabs Yoochun's hand, grasping it tightly, holding on even tighter when he tries to pull away. "No, you have to because this is important," he slides his fingers along Yoochun's and uses his other hand to hold them together. His eyes are begging. "We didn't do anything, not because we didn't want to but because I-" tightens his hands around Yoochun's. "I couldn't. I know what I have done is wrong. I know you hate me right now but I do love you. I love you so fucking much, so I couldn't," he confesses and releases his hand. "That's all I wanted to say," he says and moves away.

Yoochun stares at him and hates that he has fucking tears in his eyes. "Do you want to be with him?" he asks.

Jaejoong pulls a leg onto the bed and rests his chin on his knee. "I want to be with you," he turns his head looking pitiful and charming and Yoochun hates him so much.

He hates the pain and the love. He hates him.

"Do you want to be with him?" he asks again firmly.

"No," he finally answers. "No, I want to be with you."

His heart skips as he looks at him and curses the blasted tears in his eyes. "Ok," he nods and grabs Jaejoong's hand, holding it tightly. "Ok."

He doesn't ask Jaejoong to leave his job, though he's offered to quit.

"Don't be stupid," Yoochun prepares the couch, fluffing a pillow. "You love your job," he mutters and stands up. "I'll see you in the morning."

Jaejoong looks down at the couch with a frown. "I'd rather wake up to you," he mutters and leans in to kiss him but Yoochun steps back and he catches air. "Yoochun."

"I told you, it's either this or nothing," he crosses his arms over his chest and sighs. He's lost his trust. Not all of it but most of it and there are rules.

Jaejoong is clearly unhappy with the new arrangement.

"Ok," he nods and moves to the couch.

Yoochun nods and walks over to turn off the light. "Good night, Jaejoong."

Jaejoong pulls himself up in his elbows and turns to him. "Yoochun," he calls for him.

He leans against the door. "What, Jaejoong?"

"I really am sorry," he says and lies back down.

Yoochun breathes for a moment before turning the light off.

For the first time. He believes him.

Love isn't ever black and white.

Yoochun feels like his love has kept him in a world of grey.

Though slowly, it's fading.

Changmin hands him a bowl of rice and some chop sticks. He smiles at him with the side of his mouth and Yoochun winks as he sets it down on the table.

"Are you still talking to Jaejoong?" he asks curiously, pulling his chair out.

Yoochun takes a bite of the chicken he barbecued in the back yard. "I am," he answers hiding his smile and Changmin snorts.

"Things are getting better then?" he replies and stirs his tea with a clean chop stick. "Is he still looking for a new apartment?" he inquires.

Yoochun clears his throat and begins to make a ball of rice with his fingers. "Yes," he nods and looks around Changmin's apartment. It looks different with Yunho's things gone. The pictures, the text books. He frowns while he thinks about his friend's heartache. "How are you doing?"

Changmin shrugs. "Every day it gets easier," he nods slowly and takes a bite of his meat. "This is really good," he says past a full mouth.

"Have you talked to him?" he probes carefully and Changmin shakes his head.

"I don't want to talk to him," he scratches at his chin, setting his chopsticks down to grab his cup. "He calls me a few times a day but-" he shakes his head thinking to himself, "I'm not ready to talk to him. Maybe-" he picks his utensils back up, "maybe in a few months I'll be more willing."

Yoochun nods and feels his phone vibrating against his leg. He sets the rice ball in the bowl and digs into his pocket. It's Jaejoong.

"I'll be right back," he tells him and makes his way into the hall. "Is there something you need?" he leans against the wall scratching at his hair.

"I needed to talk to you," Jaejoong's voice is smooth over the line and Yoochun blushes.

"Don't be a cheese ball," he berates with a smile. "I'm eating, what do you need?"

"Are you with Changmin?"

His voice no longer has the jealous bite when he speaks his name.

Yoochun can see Changmin's shoulders from his spot in the hall. They're still deflated and sagging but he's better than he was weeks ago.

"I am," he finally answers, "and you're interrupting so, is there something you need?"

"Will you be home tonight?"

Yoochun chews on his finger nail. "I don't know. We're supposed to see a movie after this. I'll probably be home later," he sniffs, "are you working late?"

Jaejoong's quiet. "I asked for the rest of the day off. I found a couple apartments to look at," he says a little roughly, "they were nice. Affordable."

"That's good," he shifts his weight. "I should be getting back so I'll call you later," he says and he can hear Jaejoong's heavy sigh.

"Don't be out too late," he whispers before Yoochun hangs up.

"I won't," he promises and considers saying it. He hasn't said in a long time.

"I love you," Jaejoong's voice is so soft he can barely hear him. He says it after every phone call. He says it and waits for him to say it back.

"I'll see you later," Yoochun clenches his hand into a fist and he bumps his head on the wall softly.

"Ok," he responds.

Yoochun bites his lip when he doesn't hear him hang up. "Jaejoong," he calls out curiously, just to make sure he's still there.

"Yeah?" he sounds eager.

"I. I'll see you later." He hangs up before Jaejoong can say anything else and makes his way to join Changmin at the table.

"Everything ok?" he asks and Yoochun nods taking his seat.

"Just called to chat."

"How cute," Changmin grins and Yoochun kicks him under the table.

Yoochun walks into the apartment and sees packing boxes. He tosses his jacket over the couch and walks down the hall where he finds Jaejoong on the floor taping a box up in the bedroom.

"Did you find something?" he asks him, leaning against the door frame.

Jaejoong looks up, broken from his concentration. "No, but it wouldn't hurt to get started," he shrugs and pushes the finished box against the wall. He sighs heavily and turns back to Yoochun. "How's Changmin?" he asks.

Yoochun picks at his sweater. "Getting better," he answers and walks further in the room. "How's Junsu?" he asks casually taking a seat on the bed in front of Jaejoong.

He eyes him carefully; the fearful look he used to have whenever Yoochun mentioned his name has passed now. "He packed up the rest of his things yesterday. Today was his last day," he answers and moves in a few inches closer, close enough to lean his head against Yoochun's knee. "He's really excited about the new position in Japan," he reaches up and picks at the hole in Yoochun's pants. He scrubs a finger nail over the skin and smiles when Yoochun twitches.

"How are you handling it?" he asks and looks down at Jaejoong, touching his head, sliding his fingers through his hair. Jaejoong presses his lips together.

"I wanted you," he says thoughtfully and wraps his arms around Yoochun's legs. "When I made that decision I tried to stop caring about him," he confesses. Yoochun rubs at Jaejoong's temples carefully. "I'm sad he's leaving. Aside from you, he was the only other person who knew me," he sighs, "he was like my Changmin."

Yoochun slides his fingers along Jaejoong's cheeks and sighs. "I'll let you borrow Changmin," Yoochun offers with a smile.

Jaejoong laughs and lifts his head looking into his eyes. "I'd rather have you."

Yoochun bites his lip and gives a little tug. "Good," he watches him climb onto the bed.

Jaejoong smiles beautifully. The same kind of smile he fell in love with. His hand comes to Yoochun's cheek and he's missed his touch. He feels the same, somehow better. "I love you," he whispers, closing in until his mouth presses gently on his lips.

Yoochun holds him tight, kissing him tenderly, sweetly, brand new and soft.

Everyday it gets better.

But it will take some time.

Yoochun pulls away and touches his face, running his thumb across his lips. "I love you too," he tells him and kisses him again.

|pt. 1|
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