[Mini-Series] Undeniable Sin - Part 03
Disclaimer: So I've been thinking about it and I think it's important to mention that there are some religious aspects in this chapter, and for that reason I feel like I should have some form of disclaimer. It is not my intent to offend anyone with this story.
Title: Undeniable Sin
Pairing: Yoochun/Changmin
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: R
Warnings: Blood relative incest
Summery: Yoochun is unable to deny Changmin
Sin: a term used mainly in a religious context to describe an act that violates a moral rule, or the state of having committed such a violation
Even though he's not Catholic, Yoochun thinks he should go to confession.
To cleanse his sins.
To save his soul.
And he should drag Changmin with him.
His friend, Junsu, curiously calls him one afternoon when he's looking for his bible, the nice one with the gold inscription of his name on the corner. His parents gifted both him and Changmin one on Christmas years ago.
Yoochun remembers that Changmin's is currently being used to prop a table upright beside his closet door. He figures if worst comes to worst, he'll have to mission impossible it into his room when Changmin's not around.
He's been doing everything possible to avoid him.
It's easier not to think about it when he's not throwing himself in his face, looking at him with those eyes, running his pink tongue across his lips. Yoochun's become a pod person, only leaving his room to eat and when he has to face Changmin at the table, he sits on the opposite side; as far away from him as possible and stares at his plate while he shovels food into his mouth so fast it rivals Changmin.
He's on his knees pulling storage boxes from under his bed when he hears the phone ring.
For a heart stopping moment he thinks it may be Changmin, who's taken to calling him almost every day, sending him text messages and pictures, terribly arousing pictures that Yoochun deletes when he's flushed with guilt.
But it's not Changmin and Yoochun slides to the floor and answers.
"I had this really strong urge to call you," Junsu says over the phone his voice chipper with an undertone of something serious.
They chit chat while Yoochun continues to look and finally agree to have lunch in an hour. For a least a few hours he knows he won't have to worry about the suffocating clutches of his brother's seduction.
"I'll see you soon," Yoochun tells him and hangs up the phone. He looks at the state of his room and sighs disgusted, it's in shambles, like a tornado has ripped through it leaving nothing but devastation in its wake. He wonders if there are darker powers working against him as he grabs some clothes and heads to the bathroom.
On his way out he runs into Changmin coming in.
"Hyung," his eyes are bright and alive and Yoochun almost misses seeing them.
If it didn't hurt so much.
He lowers the brim of his fedora and moves aside, rolling his car keys in his hand when Changmin's wall of a body blocks him further. "I'm going out," he tells him quickly and makes sure to leave the door open for him.
Changmin doesn't move. "Where?" he asks curiously, shoving his hands into his pockets but staying put.
Yoochun licks his lips and looks at him, "to lunch with a friend."
Changmin's eyes start to turn a little stormy and Yoochun swallows loudly, he hates how awkward it is, it shouldn't be this way. "With who?" he inquires a little too suspiciously.
"Junsu," Yoochun slips perfectly between him and the railing and starts heading down the porch steps, stopping when he hears Changmin's voice again.
"Oh. I like him, can I come too?" and his voice is back to being sweet and cheerful and he's almost smiling. He looks so handsome in his dark wash jeans and soft grey sweater that he bought him for his first day of school.
Yoochun chokes on his own breathe as he shakes his head. "No, Changmin, you can't come."
He hates seeing the disappointment that washes over his handsome face or the small fall of his strong shoulders. "Yoochun-"
But he's already walking away, his chest seizing in regret, "Go inside, Changmin. I'll be back in a few hours."
He can see Changmin still standing in front of the open door as he pulls his car out. Through the dusty layer on his windshield he can feel his grief.
When he drives off there's a moment, just a second of pure desire to go back and pick him up, because despite it all, he misses spending time with his dongsaeng.
Junsu is already there when Yoochun walks in and he looks bright and handsome.
They hug quickly before he takes a seat and calls a waiter over.
"Something's bothering you," he says almost immediately after their order is taken.
Unlike Jaejoong, Junsu has always been nothing but a friend. A good friend, probably one of his best friends and it never surprises him that without even a word or any encouragement, he always knows.
Always.
Yoochun takes a drink from his glass to stall for some time before he answers. "I haven't seen you in a while and that's the first thing you say to me?" he jokes behind the electric palpations against his chest.
Junsu smiles, "Forgive me," he reaches out and pats his hand in apology, "how are you?"
"I'm good," Yoochun smiles and grabs his napkin.
Junsu is watching him.
"Now, something's bothering you," he repeats and looks serious.
Yoochun looks around the room, ignoring him and Junsu shifts in his chair, drinking slowly from his tea.
"Don't try and deny it," he sets the porcelain cup back onto its saucer and his gaze is intense.
Too intense and Yoochun feels it pressing hard onto his shoulders in heavy burden. Almost like it's circling his throat in seducing serpents, tightening around his throat.
To say something is bothering him is quite the understatement. A pebble in a shoe is bothersome, getting a food order wrong is bothersome; this current situation is devastating.
He's doing unimaginable things with his own brother.
He hates himself for it.
And the worst part is that he can't seem to stop thinking about it, imagining it, replaying it in his mind, dreaming about it.
And he can't seem to stop the want.
The desire that flares like red hot fire in his chest, burning at his insides until it's almost too painful to breathe, to live.
And because of that, Yoochun doesn't think it's in his best interest to talk about it, at least not in public.
So he twists at his napkin and finishes his water before addressing the thick silence that has fallen solemnly around them. "There is but I'd rather not discuss it," he finally tells him and Junsu digs deep into his eyes, through this soul and Yoochun grimaces afraid he'll find out, afraid somehow… he'll know.
But Junsu doesn't say anything and drinks from his tea again. "Ok, but we're going to talk later," he states and there's no room for argument.
They talk about other things while they eat. Junho has finally landed himself a modeling contract with a top modeling agency in the city and his parents although don't approve, are wishing the best for him.
"How's Changmin?" Junsu asks curiously and Yoochun chokes on the piece of chicken in his mouth.
It's not a question that takes him by surprise because it was inevitable he would ask.
It's just with all the heightened sensitivity surrounding his relationship with Changmin, it has him on edge and hearing his name does things to him.
Good and bad.
It takes him a few minutes and many painful coughs before he clears his throat and can swallow down the water into his churning stomach.
"He's. Changmin. He's good," Yoochun croaks and averts his eyes as he clears his throat.
It's not a smart move because Junsu is on him like a sniffing bear who's found honey.
"Is that what's bothering you?" Junsu asks and Yoochun feels his hands shaking and he knows that Junsu can see it. "Has something happened to Changmin?"
Only that he jerked him off days earlier.
And he gives the best kisses he's probably ever had.
And he loves him far more than he should on so many dangerous levels.
A terrible swell of nausea crawls up, past his stomach, creeping into his throat.
"No," he coughs and reaches for his water, his fingers trembling.
Junsu watches like an eagle, bringing his elbows to the table. "Yoochun."
Yoochun moves his unfinished plate aside and calls the waiter over. "We should go. Are you finished?" he asks him, pulling out his wallet.
Junsu nods slowly and finishes what's left before they get the check.
They're walking to the parking lot in silence.
"It must be something bad if you can't talk about it in public," Junsu nudges his shoulder and Yoochun looks over with a frown, lowering the brim of his hat.
They reach his car first and Yoochun drums at the roof with his finger tips, looking at his friend who's waiting for him to talk. Who's not going to push him but will be patient until he's ready.
It's the gentle temperament that is Junsu.
"Sit with me," Yoochun tells him, unlocking the door and getting in. He reaches over and opens the passenger's side door for Junsu and when he climbs in he locks the doors.
Junsu sits and waits, his face painted in curiosity and worry. He taps his foot restlessly on the floor and it rocks the car unnervingly, which seems aptly appropriate.
Yoochun feels a little dizzy but if he's going to talk about it now would be the time.
Maybe Junsu could help him.
Of all his friends, Junsu, is the most religious, devote in his Christianity and the only one who says a prayer for him when he can't do it himself.
He doesn't really know how to talk about it though.
How he should even start.
"Sometimes it's best just to say it," Junsu reaches over and grabs his hand, applying the right amount of comfort.
Yoochun closes his eyes and breathes deeply before turning in his seat. "There's. I mean," he tries to compose himself and ease away the unsettling pinpricks of self loathing. "I have this friend," Yoochun clears his throat unable to do it.
Too embarrassed.
Possibly to scared.
What would Junsu say to him? What would he think of him?
It's a sin.
He knows it and he's pretty sure Changmin knows it.
It's a reason to go to hell.
And Hell terrifies him.
"A friend?" Junsu quirks his eyebrow in doubt.
He nods. "A friend."
"Is this one of those situations where I'm supposed to think it's a friend but really you're talking about yourself?" he asks, seeing right through him, like Yoochun knew he would. Completely transparent.
Yoochun takes his hat off and runs his fingers carelessly through his hair, his eyes down and closed, clenched tight in distress. "It's a friend, Junsu, if I'm going to talk to you about it, it's a friend."
He feels the same hand curl around his tightly. "Ok. Ok," he soothes, "what's wrong with your friend?"
Yoochun thinks he may throw up. "My friend has a brother and they-" he doesn't know if he can finish. It may just be too hard.
"It's ok, you can tell me," Junsu squeezes his hand and Yoochun looks into his comforting eyes.
He hopes, wishes, prays Junsu won't hate him.
"He and his brother have done things," he finishes and pulls his hand away, letting it slip onto his lap.
Junsu stiffens and the air in the car is crushing. "Yoochun," he looks at him but the comfort is gone and it's inquisitive and something filled with horror. "What have you and Changmin done?"
He sighs defeated. "I told you it was a fri-"
But Junsu is not having it. "Stop. What have you and Changmin done, Yoochun?" he demands, voice tight and wired as he moves only slightly away.
But completely noticeable.
It does nothing to soften the pain.
So he might as well just tell him, rip the band aid off in one painful pull. "It started with a kiss." He doesn't look at him because he thinks it would be filled with disgust and he would rather not add on to the overwhelming disappointment he already feels in himself. "And I-"
Junsu groans in his throat and this time really moves away. "You've done more?"
Yoochun nods, filled with disgrace.
He thinks he may cry.
"I also gave him a-"
But it seems too much for his friend and Junsu interrupts before he can finish the horrible revelation. "No. Stop. Stop," he sighs and shudders physically, "I don't want to know."
"You asked," he reminds him, staring down at the black area where his feet are shaking in his shoes. A part of him wishes the world would open up and suck him right through, it would take care of so many problems.
"I know but I didn't-" he turns quiet for a moment, then Yoochun hears him shift over the warm leather seat and move, "have you had sex with him?"
In his dreams.
Nightmares.
They are nightmares.
"No," he answers him quickly and feels an deep penetrating evil creep along his shoulder filled with venom, sick against his skin.
Though, it's not like he hasn't thought about it.
"No, Junsu, we haven't had sex." Junsu looks skeptical but Yoochun grabs his hands forcing their gazes to lock, because even though he's done unthinkable things with his brother, to his brother, he hasn't done that. "Really, we haven't."
Junsu nods slowly and Yoochun can tell he's still unsure as he slides his hands away as he turns and looks out through the windshield, towards the dull grey building in front of them. He looks thoughtful and a little disturbed. "Even so, Yoochun," his voice lowers, "that's disgusting," he turns to him, "he's your brother. You're blood." He sighs, "and it's a sin."
"I know," Yoochun mutters and brings his face to his hands, breathing laboriously. It feels like he can't catch enough air. His heart is pounding and he feels repulsive. "Junsu, I know," he sighs, "You need to help me, please."
He can't see his friend but he can only imagine what the request has painted over his features. Something close to shock and possibly… refusal.
When he pulls his hand away from his face Yoochun looks over and Junsu is watching him silently. "What do you want me to do?" he asks carefully.
He wants him to save him.
He wants him to make sure he isn't going to hell.
He wants him to stop him from feeling this way.
He wants to love Changmin the only possible way he should.
Like a brother.
Only a brother.
He wants Junsu to help him make sure he gets everything he wants.
"Tell me what to do," he asks softly and Junsu bites at his lip gently, looking through his eyes, into his soul and it makes him feel like he's engulfed in fire.
"You need to repent," Junsu tells him and runs his hands through his hair. "Ask God for forgiveness, he is the only one who can help you."
Repentance.
Yoochun remembers listening about the gift of repentance at church, if the sin is forgivable and you ask with a pure heart, God will forgive you, wipe the sin away, clean the slate.
It sounds so easy.
Junsu reaches out and touches his hand and Yoochun jumps slightly from the warmth. "But to truly be forgiven, Yoochun, you have to mean it," he slides his fingers between the cold, balmy skin and holds Yoochun's hand tight. "To repent and plead the Lord's forgiveness is to promise never to do it again."
And it just got harder.
Yoochun lowers his head and thinks of Changmin.
It makes his heart hurt when he sees the flash of his smile.
It makes it hard to breathe when he remembers his kisses.
He tightens his hold on Junsu's strong hand in resolve.
"Then I have to leave," he looks up slowly and Junsu nods in agreement.
Yoochun can feel the painful sting of tears as he realizes what he has to do.
"If that's the only way," he controls his himself and looks out the window as cold emotion slides down his cheek, "I have to leave him."
Junsu offers to let him stay at his place until he finds an apartment.
He sits in his car, looking at the door of the slate grey garage in front of him. His parents are home, he hope's Changmin is too. Junsu told him to gather some things and leave as soon as possible. He'll be waiting for him and if Changmin tries anything to stop him from leaving, call him.
Yoochun can't stop thinking of Changmin. How this will devastate him.
It makes him sick and he had to pull over onto the side of the street on his way home in fear he would vomit in the car.
They've never been separated, not as children not now. Even after he graduated high school he decided to go to a college in the city to stay close to the family, to Changmin.
Changmin is possibly the most important person in his life.
And now, to fix what he's done, he has to leave him.
And it's overwhelmingly painful.
Like asking him to rip off a piece of himself, to cut his heart in two.
When he walks through the front door, his steps, heavy in heart, he can hear the television.
His parents are on the couch and look over at his entrance.
Before they can greet him he speaks, "Where's Changmin?"
His mother smiles so kindly and Yoochun knows if she knew the truth, she wouldn't be so loving. "I believe he's in his room," she answers and waves him over.
Yoochun kisses her cheek and touches his father's shoulder as he makes the hardest walk of his life up the stairs.
He knocks; when no answer follows he says a little prayer and opens the door to find the room completely empty. It doesn't take him long to realize where Changmin is hiding and he makes his way over to his own bedroom.
Inside he finds him.
Sleeping in one of his shirts, blankets curled around his waist and his face frozen in childlike slumber.
It's hard to imagine someone so manipulative can look so innocent while they dream.
Yoochun moves into the room and closes the door behind him, creeping over his self made disaster and walks to the closet, trying to keep as quiet as possible.
Maybe it's easier this way.
If he leaves while he's sleeping he won't have to face him and the pain he feels now won't escalate into something horrific and unbearable that will leave him succumbing to Changmin's wishes.
This way is better.
Yoochun grabs an overnight bag and some clothes to cover the rest of the week. He finds his slippers and sneakers buried under a mountain of dirty laundry and slips in a couple handfuls of socks and underwear. He slides the drawer closed quietly pausing when he hears a soft noise from the bed, he looks over his shoulder and Changmin rolls onto his side, pulling his shirt up and exposing the most delicious slice of tan skin that leaves Yoochun's knees buckled where he stands.
His fingers itch at the sight and his heart races with goose bumps in the wake.
Changmin moans and turns again and the shirt rises just a little more.
Yoochun's feet move forward on their own and when he hears "Hyung" sweep past the delicate folds of Changmin's mouth he's already at the bed, intoxicated.
He just wants to watch him sleep.
There's nothing dangerous about watching someone sleep.
So he finds himself sitting down on the edge of the bed watching him, the flutter of his eyelashes, the soft movement of his mouth. When the urge to do anything more gets too strong he clutches at his belongs until he thinks his nails make crack and break.
Because it's too hard and he doesn't want to leave him.
Not ever.
But he has too.
And it has to be now. When it's easy.
As Yoochun starts to stand up he hears Changmin sigh and he looks over at him, sees the flutter of his lashes lifting and soon the soft happy eyes that meet his own.
"Hyung," he whispers sleepily with a smile and Yoochun tries to breathe.
"I'm leaving," he tells him and it hurts when the smile remains, confused and a little tired, but still there. Still soft, still sweet.
"What?" he reaches out for him but Yoochun shakes his head and stands up, backing away slowly.
"I'm leaving, Changmin," he reaches the bag and sets his items in before closing it and throwing the strap over his shoulder. Changmin's sitting up now and the smile is gone.
"Hyung," he's confused and sounds a little frantic as he tries to throw the blankets away but they're swathed tight, like a cocoon, around his waist and it buys Yoochun time as he moves towards the door.
"I love you, Changmin," he stands in the doorway watching him struggle, watching the frustration around his face and when he looks up Yoochun sees tears. "I know you don't understand, but I have to." And Yoochun leaves him, running down the stairs, ignoring the startled look of his parents and out the door towards his car.
He's trying not to cry when he puts the car in reverse and peels out of the dive way but when he see's Changmin running after him he hits the gas and the tears won't stop.
| 02 | : | 04 |
[Master Fic List]
Title: Undeniable Sin
Pairing: Yoochun/Changmin
Genre: Angst, Drama
Rating: R
Warnings: Blood relative incest
Summery: Yoochun is unable to deny Changmin
Sin: a term used mainly in a religious context to describe an act that violates a moral rule, or the state of having committed such a violation
Even though he's not Catholic, Yoochun thinks he should go to confession.
To cleanse his sins.
To save his soul.
And he should drag Changmin with him.
His friend, Junsu, curiously calls him one afternoon when he's looking for his bible, the nice one with the gold inscription of his name on the corner. His parents gifted both him and Changmin one on Christmas years ago.
Yoochun remembers that Changmin's is currently being used to prop a table upright beside his closet door. He figures if worst comes to worst, he'll have to mission impossible it into his room when Changmin's not around.
He's been doing everything possible to avoid him.
It's easier not to think about it when he's not throwing himself in his face, looking at him with those eyes, running his pink tongue across his lips. Yoochun's become a pod person, only leaving his room to eat and when he has to face Changmin at the table, he sits on the opposite side; as far away from him as possible and stares at his plate while he shovels food into his mouth so fast it rivals Changmin.
He's on his knees pulling storage boxes from under his bed when he hears the phone ring.
For a heart stopping moment he thinks it may be Changmin, who's taken to calling him almost every day, sending him text messages and pictures, terribly arousing pictures that Yoochun deletes when he's flushed with guilt.
But it's not Changmin and Yoochun slides to the floor and answers.
"I had this really strong urge to call you," Junsu says over the phone his voice chipper with an undertone of something serious.
They chit chat while Yoochun continues to look and finally agree to have lunch in an hour. For a least a few hours he knows he won't have to worry about the suffocating clutches of his brother's seduction.
"I'll see you soon," Yoochun tells him and hangs up the phone. He looks at the state of his room and sighs disgusted, it's in shambles, like a tornado has ripped through it leaving nothing but devastation in its wake. He wonders if there are darker powers working against him as he grabs some clothes and heads to the bathroom.
On his way out he runs into Changmin coming in.
"Hyung," his eyes are bright and alive and Yoochun almost misses seeing them.
If it didn't hurt so much.
He lowers the brim of his fedora and moves aside, rolling his car keys in his hand when Changmin's wall of a body blocks him further. "I'm going out," he tells him quickly and makes sure to leave the door open for him.
Changmin doesn't move. "Where?" he asks curiously, shoving his hands into his pockets but staying put.
Yoochun licks his lips and looks at him, "to lunch with a friend."
Changmin's eyes start to turn a little stormy and Yoochun swallows loudly, he hates how awkward it is, it shouldn't be this way. "With who?" he inquires a little too suspiciously.
"Junsu," Yoochun slips perfectly between him and the railing and starts heading down the porch steps, stopping when he hears Changmin's voice again.
"Oh. I like him, can I come too?" and his voice is back to being sweet and cheerful and he's almost smiling. He looks so handsome in his dark wash jeans and soft grey sweater that he bought him for his first day of school.
Yoochun chokes on his own breathe as he shakes his head. "No, Changmin, you can't come."
He hates seeing the disappointment that washes over his handsome face or the small fall of his strong shoulders. "Yoochun-"
But he's already walking away, his chest seizing in regret, "Go inside, Changmin. I'll be back in a few hours."
He can see Changmin still standing in front of the open door as he pulls his car out. Through the dusty layer on his windshield he can feel his grief.
When he drives off there's a moment, just a second of pure desire to go back and pick him up, because despite it all, he misses spending time with his dongsaeng.
Junsu is already there when Yoochun walks in and he looks bright and handsome.
They hug quickly before he takes a seat and calls a waiter over.
"Something's bothering you," he says almost immediately after their order is taken.
Unlike Jaejoong, Junsu has always been nothing but a friend. A good friend, probably one of his best friends and it never surprises him that without even a word or any encouragement, he always knows.
Always.
Yoochun takes a drink from his glass to stall for some time before he answers. "I haven't seen you in a while and that's the first thing you say to me?" he jokes behind the electric palpations against his chest.
Junsu smiles, "Forgive me," he reaches out and pats his hand in apology, "how are you?"
"I'm good," Yoochun smiles and grabs his napkin.
Junsu is watching him.
"Now, something's bothering you," he repeats and looks serious.
Yoochun looks around the room, ignoring him and Junsu shifts in his chair, drinking slowly from his tea.
"Don't try and deny it," he sets the porcelain cup back onto its saucer and his gaze is intense.
Too intense and Yoochun feels it pressing hard onto his shoulders in heavy burden. Almost like it's circling his throat in seducing serpents, tightening around his throat.
To say something is bothering him is quite the understatement. A pebble in a shoe is bothersome, getting a food order wrong is bothersome; this current situation is devastating.
He's doing unimaginable things with his own brother.
He hates himself for it.
And the worst part is that he can't seem to stop thinking about it, imagining it, replaying it in his mind, dreaming about it.
And he can't seem to stop the want.
The desire that flares like red hot fire in his chest, burning at his insides until it's almost too painful to breathe, to live.
And because of that, Yoochun doesn't think it's in his best interest to talk about it, at least not in public.
So he twists at his napkin and finishes his water before addressing the thick silence that has fallen solemnly around them. "There is but I'd rather not discuss it," he finally tells him and Junsu digs deep into his eyes, through this soul and Yoochun grimaces afraid he'll find out, afraid somehow… he'll know.
But Junsu doesn't say anything and drinks from his tea again. "Ok, but we're going to talk later," he states and there's no room for argument.
They talk about other things while they eat. Junho has finally landed himself a modeling contract with a top modeling agency in the city and his parents although don't approve, are wishing the best for him.
"How's Changmin?" Junsu asks curiously and Yoochun chokes on the piece of chicken in his mouth.
It's not a question that takes him by surprise because it was inevitable he would ask.
It's just with all the heightened sensitivity surrounding his relationship with Changmin, it has him on edge and hearing his name does things to him.
Good and bad.
It takes him a few minutes and many painful coughs before he clears his throat and can swallow down the water into his churning stomach.
"He's. Changmin. He's good," Yoochun croaks and averts his eyes as he clears his throat.
It's not a smart move because Junsu is on him like a sniffing bear who's found honey.
"Is that what's bothering you?" Junsu asks and Yoochun feels his hands shaking and he knows that Junsu can see it. "Has something happened to Changmin?"
Only that he jerked him off days earlier.
And he gives the best kisses he's probably ever had.
And he loves him far more than he should on so many dangerous levels.
A terrible swell of nausea crawls up, past his stomach, creeping into his throat.
"No," he coughs and reaches for his water, his fingers trembling.
Junsu watches like an eagle, bringing his elbows to the table. "Yoochun."
Yoochun moves his unfinished plate aside and calls the waiter over. "We should go. Are you finished?" he asks him, pulling out his wallet.
Junsu nods slowly and finishes what's left before they get the check.
They're walking to the parking lot in silence.
"It must be something bad if you can't talk about it in public," Junsu nudges his shoulder and Yoochun looks over with a frown, lowering the brim of his hat.
They reach his car first and Yoochun drums at the roof with his finger tips, looking at his friend who's waiting for him to talk. Who's not going to push him but will be patient until he's ready.
It's the gentle temperament that is Junsu.
"Sit with me," Yoochun tells him, unlocking the door and getting in. He reaches over and opens the passenger's side door for Junsu and when he climbs in he locks the doors.
Junsu sits and waits, his face painted in curiosity and worry. He taps his foot restlessly on the floor and it rocks the car unnervingly, which seems aptly appropriate.
Yoochun feels a little dizzy but if he's going to talk about it now would be the time.
Maybe Junsu could help him.
Of all his friends, Junsu, is the most religious, devote in his Christianity and the only one who says a prayer for him when he can't do it himself.
He doesn't really know how to talk about it though.
How he should even start.
"Sometimes it's best just to say it," Junsu reaches over and grabs his hand, applying the right amount of comfort.
Yoochun closes his eyes and breathes deeply before turning in his seat. "There's. I mean," he tries to compose himself and ease away the unsettling pinpricks of self loathing. "I have this friend," Yoochun clears his throat unable to do it.
Too embarrassed.
Possibly to scared.
What would Junsu say to him? What would he think of him?
It's a sin.
He knows it and he's pretty sure Changmin knows it.
It's a reason to go to hell.
And Hell terrifies him.
"A friend?" Junsu quirks his eyebrow in doubt.
He nods. "A friend."
"Is this one of those situations where I'm supposed to think it's a friend but really you're talking about yourself?" he asks, seeing right through him, like Yoochun knew he would. Completely transparent.
Yoochun takes his hat off and runs his fingers carelessly through his hair, his eyes down and closed, clenched tight in distress. "It's a friend, Junsu, if I'm going to talk to you about it, it's a friend."
He feels the same hand curl around his tightly. "Ok. Ok," he soothes, "what's wrong with your friend?"
Yoochun thinks he may throw up. "My friend has a brother and they-" he doesn't know if he can finish. It may just be too hard.
"It's ok, you can tell me," Junsu squeezes his hand and Yoochun looks into his comforting eyes.
He hopes, wishes, prays Junsu won't hate him.
"He and his brother have done things," he finishes and pulls his hand away, letting it slip onto his lap.
Junsu stiffens and the air in the car is crushing. "Yoochun," he looks at him but the comfort is gone and it's inquisitive and something filled with horror. "What have you and Changmin done?"
He sighs defeated. "I told you it was a fri-"
But Junsu is not having it. "Stop. What have you and Changmin done, Yoochun?" he demands, voice tight and wired as he moves only slightly away.
But completely noticeable.
It does nothing to soften the pain.
So he might as well just tell him, rip the band aid off in one painful pull. "It started with a kiss." He doesn't look at him because he thinks it would be filled with disgust and he would rather not add on to the overwhelming disappointment he already feels in himself. "And I-"
Junsu groans in his throat and this time really moves away. "You've done more?"
Yoochun nods, filled with disgrace.
He thinks he may cry.
"I also gave him a-"
But it seems too much for his friend and Junsu interrupts before he can finish the horrible revelation. "No. Stop. Stop," he sighs and shudders physically, "I don't want to know."
"You asked," he reminds him, staring down at the black area where his feet are shaking in his shoes. A part of him wishes the world would open up and suck him right through, it would take care of so many problems.
"I know but I didn't-" he turns quiet for a moment, then Yoochun hears him shift over the warm leather seat and move, "have you had sex with him?"
In his dreams.
Nightmares.
They are nightmares.
"No," he answers him quickly and feels an deep penetrating evil creep along his shoulder filled with venom, sick against his skin.
Though, it's not like he hasn't thought about it.
"No, Junsu, we haven't had sex." Junsu looks skeptical but Yoochun grabs his hands forcing their gazes to lock, because even though he's done unthinkable things with his brother, to his brother, he hasn't done that. "Really, we haven't."
Junsu nods slowly and Yoochun can tell he's still unsure as he slides his hands away as he turns and looks out through the windshield, towards the dull grey building in front of them. He looks thoughtful and a little disturbed. "Even so, Yoochun," his voice lowers, "that's disgusting," he turns to him, "he's your brother. You're blood." He sighs, "and it's a sin."
"I know," Yoochun mutters and brings his face to his hands, breathing laboriously. It feels like he can't catch enough air. His heart is pounding and he feels repulsive. "Junsu, I know," he sighs, "You need to help me, please."
He can't see his friend but he can only imagine what the request has painted over his features. Something close to shock and possibly… refusal.
When he pulls his hand away from his face Yoochun looks over and Junsu is watching him silently. "What do you want me to do?" he asks carefully.
He wants him to save him.
He wants him to make sure he isn't going to hell.
He wants him to stop him from feeling this way.
He wants to love Changmin the only possible way he should.
Like a brother.
Only a brother.
He wants Junsu to help him make sure he gets everything he wants.
"Tell me what to do," he asks softly and Junsu bites at his lip gently, looking through his eyes, into his soul and it makes him feel like he's engulfed in fire.
"You need to repent," Junsu tells him and runs his hands through his hair. "Ask God for forgiveness, he is the only one who can help you."
Repentance.
Yoochun remembers listening about the gift of repentance at church, if the sin is forgivable and you ask with a pure heart, God will forgive you, wipe the sin away, clean the slate.
It sounds so easy.
Junsu reaches out and touches his hand and Yoochun jumps slightly from the warmth. "But to truly be forgiven, Yoochun, you have to mean it," he slides his fingers between the cold, balmy skin and holds Yoochun's hand tight. "To repent and plead the Lord's forgiveness is to promise never to do it again."
And it just got harder.
Yoochun lowers his head and thinks of Changmin.
It makes his heart hurt when he sees the flash of his smile.
It makes it hard to breathe when he remembers his kisses.
He tightens his hold on Junsu's strong hand in resolve.
"Then I have to leave," he looks up slowly and Junsu nods in agreement.
Yoochun can feel the painful sting of tears as he realizes what he has to do.
"If that's the only way," he controls his himself and looks out the window as cold emotion slides down his cheek, "I have to leave him."
Junsu offers to let him stay at his place until he finds an apartment.
He sits in his car, looking at the door of the slate grey garage in front of him. His parents are home, he hope's Changmin is too. Junsu told him to gather some things and leave as soon as possible. He'll be waiting for him and if Changmin tries anything to stop him from leaving, call him.
Yoochun can't stop thinking of Changmin. How this will devastate him.
It makes him sick and he had to pull over onto the side of the street on his way home in fear he would vomit in the car.
They've never been separated, not as children not now. Even after he graduated high school he decided to go to a college in the city to stay close to the family, to Changmin.
Changmin is possibly the most important person in his life.
And now, to fix what he's done, he has to leave him.
And it's overwhelmingly painful.
Like asking him to rip off a piece of himself, to cut his heart in two.
When he walks through the front door, his steps, heavy in heart, he can hear the television.
His parents are on the couch and look over at his entrance.
Before they can greet him he speaks, "Where's Changmin?"
His mother smiles so kindly and Yoochun knows if she knew the truth, she wouldn't be so loving. "I believe he's in his room," she answers and waves him over.
Yoochun kisses her cheek and touches his father's shoulder as he makes the hardest walk of his life up the stairs.
He knocks; when no answer follows he says a little prayer and opens the door to find the room completely empty. It doesn't take him long to realize where Changmin is hiding and he makes his way over to his own bedroom.
Inside he finds him.
Sleeping in one of his shirts, blankets curled around his waist and his face frozen in childlike slumber.
It's hard to imagine someone so manipulative can look so innocent while they dream.
Yoochun moves into the room and closes the door behind him, creeping over his self made disaster and walks to the closet, trying to keep as quiet as possible.
Maybe it's easier this way.
If he leaves while he's sleeping he won't have to face him and the pain he feels now won't escalate into something horrific and unbearable that will leave him succumbing to Changmin's wishes.
This way is better.
Yoochun grabs an overnight bag and some clothes to cover the rest of the week. He finds his slippers and sneakers buried under a mountain of dirty laundry and slips in a couple handfuls of socks and underwear. He slides the drawer closed quietly pausing when he hears a soft noise from the bed, he looks over his shoulder and Changmin rolls onto his side, pulling his shirt up and exposing the most delicious slice of tan skin that leaves Yoochun's knees buckled where he stands.
His fingers itch at the sight and his heart races with goose bumps in the wake.
Changmin moans and turns again and the shirt rises just a little more.
Yoochun's feet move forward on their own and when he hears "Hyung" sweep past the delicate folds of Changmin's mouth he's already at the bed, intoxicated.
He just wants to watch him sleep.
There's nothing dangerous about watching someone sleep.
So he finds himself sitting down on the edge of the bed watching him, the flutter of his eyelashes, the soft movement of his mouth. When the urge to do anything more gets too strong he clutches at his belongs until he thinks his nails make crack and break.
Because it's too hard and he doesn't want to leave him.
Not ever.
But he has too.
And it has to be now. When it's easy.
As Yoochun starts to stand up he hears Changmin sigh and he looks over at him, sees the flutter of his lashes lifting and soon the soft happy eyes that meet his own.
"Hyung," he whispers sleepily with a smile and Yoochun tries to breathe.
"I'm leaving," he tells him and it hurts when the smile remains, confused and a little tired, but still there. Still soft, still sweet.
"What?" he reaches out for him but Yoochun shakes his head and stands up, backing away slowly.
"I'm leaving, Changmin," he reaches the bag and sets his items in before closing it and throwing the strap over his shoulder. Changmin's sitting up now and the smile is gone.
"Hyung," he's confused and sounds a little frantic as he tries to throw the blankets away but they're swathed tight, like a cocoon, around his waist and it buys Yoochun time as he moves towards the door.
"I love you, Changmin," he stands in the doorway watching him struggle, watching the frustration around his face and when he looks up Yoochun sees tears. "I know you don't understand, but I have to." And Yoochun leaves him, running down the stairs, ignoring the startled look of his parents and out the door towards his car.
He's trying not to cry when he puts the car in reverse and peels out of the dive way but when he see's Changmin running after him he hits the gas and the tears won't stop.
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