[Four]Downfall
Four. Confession.
I pick up my pace as I realize that I am already late for my class.
Taking my shower this morning, I found myself doing something entirely different from my daily endeavors, I stood on my shower let a daydream take over me. As vivid as I can remember, it was the same recurring scene, how she took me by surprise with her hungry kisses and rough lovemaking. How we proceeded, felt like such a rush and neither of us could deny the attraction we had for each other. The way she made me feel last night, it was invigorating, liberating, and…
I think I am in love.
Heavily panting, I arrive to the classroom with only a few minutes to spare. I then look around for Yoona and I see her next to an empty seat and I believe she has saved for me. I approach her and she gives me an upset expression before I sit on the desk.
“We need to talk.”
I give her a nod as she hands the bag I left her yesterday.
As we start the latter half of my class, my mind starts to drift away from the lecture and thoughts of her flood my thoughts once again. I go into the other daze, as if it is a guilty pleasure and I welcome it with intense zeal as I try to linger on every single detail that I recall. Despite of these lustful thoughts overtaking me, I do not feel aroused by the act of recalling the sinful events but I feel my knees weaken, and my heartbeat start to pace.
All these symptoms start to fade away as I feel a tap on my shoulder in a suddenly empty lecture hall.
“Are you okay?” Yoona looked at me with concern in her voice.
I feel myself to catch my breath before responding. Strange enough, I do not seem to recall the professor dismissing the class or seeing any of my classmates leave the hall. I feel somewhat worried as these newfound emotions may take the toll in my markings for this semester.
“I’m fine.” I find it hard to breathe.
After packing my belongings, me and Yoona make our way through the university breezeway, where we are able to find a place that we are able to converse.
“What happened to you? I see you lose your focus most of the time that we’re in class. Is anything wrong?” Yoona confronts me, I can hear concern from her tone of voice.
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that, there are certain things.” I feel hesitant since I know how protective she is of me.
“Things? What things? I thought I was your bestfriend? Why are you hiding things from me?” Her voice is shaky. I can tell she is very upset about this.
“There’s...this girl, I’ve been seeing. We are not dating but we’ve been hanging out a lot.” I honestly tell her.
Spending time in satisfying her questions, I finally tell her everything I know and feel about her. I tell her everything, from our first encounter, until the fateful event last night under my own sheets. Being my good friend, Yoona has always given me her honest opinions though at times, I would stray away from what she would advice me to do.
“Yoona, I think I’m in love with her.”
“Yuri, you don’t know her well enough to assert such a thing. Examine your feelings a bit more.”
“I can’t seem to get her off my mind. When I close my eyes, she is all I see. As I start to think, I find myself lost in the abyss of my memories of her. I don’t think I can stop these symptoms at all.”
“Yuri, love can sometimes be magic...but sometimes it can just be a mere illusion.”
Eventually, I sense that our conversation is ending towards a stalemate that I decide to end it. I am not upset with her but to my regret, I somewhat expected her to be supportive of the emotions I am holding at this moment.
Gathering all my items, I wave goodbye to her and I start walking towards the theatre that I meet her in. Although it was emitted as a faint whisper, I still caught the small soundbite from Yoona’s mouth.
“Yuri, be careful.”
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I arrive at the theatre where she rehearses and unlike any other rehearsal, only the fluorescent spotlight could only be seen. I take a seat on the shadows, carefully eyeing her lovely features as she recites the lines to the play.
With the time I have been with her, I have memorized most of the lines to her play as it would be the prelude for our time together. I try to mouth the words, following her intonations as I gaze at her allure.
My mind, just like that stage is lit up only with the thoughts of her. Her beauty, like an ethereal seraph that has descended from the heavens, abundantly flowing all around her. Her physical features, only blessed to those that are inducted to be Demi-humans, can easily distinguished from afar. Being able to look at her from this proximity, I sense my own feeling of worthlessness as there is such a large gap between us.
Upon furthering my introspection, I feel a slight nudge on my side and as I look onto the source, I see her looking straight to me.
“I’m done.” She said, her expression looked slightly upset.
I give her a weak smile as I stand up and follow her to the food court.
Walking through the halls, we do the same routine that that we have always done. I wait for her to finish practice, we walk together with our hands linked together, we eat dinner and I sometimes take her home. Despite of how many times I have done this schedule with her, this is the first time that I find value in the little things that we have been doing.
I hold her hand and she acts the same, as if nothing happened between us. For the first time, I notice the softness and the warmth that her hand gave out. It was the same hand caressed my face last night, the hand she used to pull me with to make me close to her so that I can taste her lips; and in a way, it was responsible for making all these feelings inside me awaken.
Silence creep upon us as we both consume our meal. Once in a while, I notice that I have been constantly glancing onto her direction and I believe she is slightly bothered with it. I then decide to concentrate on other things, such as my upcoming surgery test, graduation, or anything under the sun, just to get rid of her uneasiness.
We finally finish our dinners and we start to pack our belongings. She then bids me goodbye but before she could get away, I stop her.
“Let me take you home.” I tell her.
I think I should let her know about my own true feelings as this separation is doing nothing but hurting me.
“Okay.”
Slowly walking our way towards her house, the same scene from a few weeks ago, greeted us. The golden sunset is upon us and we continue to stare at it as we hike through the sea of houses.
We are now in her front door and I feel my heartbeat pace as I look at her in front of me. It has been a long time since I have felt this way and in a few minutes, I will take this burden off from my chest. Looking at her, I drown myself in her grandeur. She has probably been blessed by Zeus and Hera, while inheriting the grace of Aphrodite. I have come to the epiphany that I am deluded in my own thoughts; I can only see nothing but her.
I now start to hold both her hands and take a deep breath, as I prepare myself to utter the words that will determine my entire being.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
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(Five. Subsistence.)