[Five]Downfall
Five. Subsistence
“I think I’m in love with you.”
I finally say the words that I have been holding in, ever since the event that confirmed my emotions.
Those mere words that departed from my mouth moments ago, are now securing my chance of being together with her. Through it, there no doubt that I have communicated exactly what I want and what I expect from her.
My plan holds no misunderstandings, no mistakes, and no regrets.
I close my eyes and I give out a sigh of relief as I slowly remove the tension that had built up on my chest prior to my confession.
“No.” I faintly hear her say.
I open my eyes and I look at her with a softened expression. Probably I am just hearing things.
I look at her again, trying to make her repeat whatever she just said to me.
“I don’t love you.” She tells me, her voice is harsh, as if she is trying to break away from my touch.
“But…“ Is all that I can say. My heavy breathing continues and I feel pain on my chest.
“Last night was a mistake.” I do not see her keep eye contact with me while she tells me these things.
I am losing her, slowly losing her.
“No, we both wanted it…” I feel desperate. The situation has been turned against me as I feel my heart throb.
“I was overtaken by my emotions. I’m sorry I can’t return your feelings.”
Trying to muster up the courage to say something, I open my mouth but no words are coming out. My head is hurting, and at last, I let go of my tears in front of her. She hugs me tight as I weep for my broken heart.
Never in my life have I been so vulnerable to anyone, so hurt, but yet, so comforted.
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I am staring at the ceiling just a few minutes past eight o’clock. I hear nothing but the second hand of my clock ticking.
Time that I will never retain back is slowly slipping away from me.
My eyes are getting heavy and I think I want to escape from all this.
The only thing I have on my mind right now is the thoughts of her. So I guess I will utter goodnight, for the image in my head.
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It is now Thursday and we are together again. The same routine follows but on the inside, I am struggling.
Despite the rejection, I am still trying to constrain myself from my feelings. All her mere gestures that have been ignored in our previous encounters are becoming magnified as I start to take notice of her. It becomes harder for me to want only mere friendship.
We are walking on the pavement after our trip to the bookstore with the city lights behind us. We hold hands, just like lovers do and we do things that a real couple may be caught doing.
I will try to reiterate my feelings for her, as I think there is the possibility of it changing.
I stop on my tracks. We are in the fork that leads to both of our respective houses.
“I can’t go on without loving you.” I tell her.
She falls silent as she has her back on me during the time that I have said those words.
I patiently wait for her reply.
“You know my answer.”
She is still not facing me.
“Please.” I almost inaudibly say.
I can tell that she is upset. I see her walk away.
“Please!” I say it louder this time. I am again made defenseless.
“No. Stop this nonsense.” She firmly says.
“But I love you.” I tell her back.
“What you’re feeling is a mistake; a mistake that you should have let go when I said no to you the first time.”
My tears are staining my face. I am being stabbed continuously with her words that I eventually fall on my knees and weep.
“I love you so much.”
“Please. Stop hurting yourself like this.”
I continue to cry and eventually I realize that I am alone under this dimly lit alleyway.
I am hollow, incomplete, and should I dare to say it? Dying without you.
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A few weeks have passed and she has stopped having dinner with me and has been constantly avoiding me. Although this was the harsh reality, I refuse to admit it so I still stay and watch her perform but only to see her depart with company that is not mine.
It is now nearing the end of her practice and I continue to marvel at her from afar. I trap myself in a daze until I hear someone clear their throat.
I look to the source of the noise and I am in wonder, it was her.
“Let’s talk.” She tells me before turning away and walking towards the exit.
I say nothing but I follow.
We arrive at the hallways and we face each other.
“You need to stop this.” Her arms are crossed.
Looking away, I try to avoid eye contact with her.
“Every single day that you do this, it makes me become more annoyed with you.”
I can tell that she is enraged by my silence. I do nothing but let her continue.
“I tried making it easy for you but you are just making it hard for yourself. What happened between us was a one time thing. I do not love you at all. You and I both know that we were merely overtaken by lust, and lust is not love. You are being stupid and naïve to entertain the thought of falling in love with me after a one night stand. I do not love you and this is the whole truth. Your existence becoming sickening to me.”
Not hearing a word from my mouth, she walks away. I stay on my spot for a little bit longer as I try to keep myself calm from her piercing words.
I then take a deep breath and start to walk out of the wretched building.
As I walk, I hear a moan coming from the secluded corner of the edifice. My eyes widen at disbelief as I look at the scene.
It was her, with a man pinning her on the wall with his hand on her thigh. My heart does nothing but break, as I look at them hungrily exchange kisses.
I stay for a while longer, and she notices my presence. I then see her give me a devious smirk as she bites her lower lip in pleasure. It was same smirk that she greeted me with the first time we met.
My thoughts start wandering around as I walk towards my apartment. I try to block the scene I have witnessed a few moments ago but I fail as I can vividly remember everything, even the emotions that surged through my body when I witnessed it. I have no more tears to cry, just like my bleeding heart, I am at my limit.
Walking with sea of faces, I pace myself to the tempo of the footsteps around me. I try, but I am exhausted, my knees are failing me as I take each step further.
Eventually, I get pushed to the ground and I scrape my knee with blood forming around the wound. I walk to my abode, feeling the sensation of hurt, not from my knee but it is more from my heart.
I look at the dried blood forming around my wound and I apply disinfectant on it.
The blood gives me an epiphany.
Perhaps, this is just a battle of lust as she said. Perhaps, I am merely infatuated with her. Perhaps, it is her company that I want. Perhaps. I can sit and wonder at her rationale for her rejection, or perhaps, I can take revenge for the things that she killed inside.
Just like the first fall of man, I have tasted forbidden fruit. Retribution is seeping onto my body, like a poison that is slowly killing me.
But I feel quite satisfied, if not-jovial with my newly recognized emotions.
I have finally realized that all along, she has brought me nothing but pain.
I say in my most absolute thoughts, it is not sexual lust that she is inflicting upon me; it is nothing else but bloodlust.
They say that it is our burden to bleed, but nobody said anything about that blood being our own.
Am I becoming more like the prince of darkness, the archangel, or perhaps Angra Mainyu for having such inappropriate thoughts? Maybe this is becoming the case.
For if death becomes the only solution to vindicate myself from her grip, then I promise that by all means necessary, that she will be dying by my hand.
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( Six.Raison d’être.)