[Eight]Downfall

Jul 27, 2010 10:41


Eight. Epiphany.
For the twentieth time, I’ve been trying to reach her by making calls to her phone but it would always ring and go to voicemail. We haven’t seen each other ever since that girl scolded at me and I’m very worried about her. I try once more and then I hear something on the other end, and then it got cut off.

Even if it’s not the response I’m looking for, at least she’s still able to answer her phone.

I put my phone on my purse as it was already time for our last performance, before the big event on Friday. Though it’s just Tuesday, the director wanted us to relax before the actual show on next week Friday.

I head to the stage as we start to get in our characters.

“Act One, Scene One. Action.” I hear the director say and it cues me to recite my lines.

I execute with calmness and confidence with each word I say since it was something that I already practiced, ever since I took up the role.

We continue to go through the script until we finish the entire thing. I feel so tired because unlike our usual practice, we did everything with the same costumes and time that we would be doing for the main performance.

“Bye.” I tell them, I think I’m just going to stay home and sleep today. I’m too tired to eat anything. Then I feel a tug on my arm. It was Sulli, my dongsaeng from the class I took last semester.

“Unnie, how are you?” she asked, still clinging on my arm.

“Um, I’m fine but I’m really tired. I wanna go home and rest.”

“Can we have some ice cream for a little bit? It’s my treat.”

“Can I reschedule? Please, sorry but not today.” The only thing on my mind right now is my bed.

“Please? We can’t reschedule because you’re graduating in less than two weeks and I know you’re going to be busy. Please Unnie?”

I let out a sigh. Seriously, I didn’t know graduation is really vast approaching. I’ve been so occupied with practicing that I lost track of time. Well, maybe I’ll just go with her. I’ll just hold my tiredness in for thirty more minutes or so.

“Okay, fine let’s go.”

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We arrive at the food court and Sulli goes to the stall where they sell ice cream.

I take a seat and look at my cellphone out of boredom and I give a sigh to myself as I see no voicemails, messages, or anything from Yuri.

“Honey you really need to eat. You’re getting skinnier.” I hear from the other table as I continue to read through my text messages. Maybe the guy is busy with his portable game or something that he won’t eat.

“Please? Just one bite?”

Seriously, this girl’s voice is making me sick.

“Mmm, taste good right? Would you like to have some kimchi now?”

“No.” I hear someone else say. Her voice seems awfully familiar.

I look at where the couple is located and I see her. It was Yuri and the girl that I saw her with.

Yuri’s expression was sad and pained that even her appearance looks altered.

I see the girl put a spoonful of food onto her mouth and then placing another serving in front of Yuri.

In a way, I feel envious of this girl’s closeness with Yuri.

She’s holding onto Yuri’s arm while she spoonfeeds her.

Now she’s smiling and pinching Yuri’s cheek while Yuri’s chewing on her food.

I see her plant a kiss on her cheek and then feeling embarrassed about it.

How lame is that.

But truth be told, I am quite jealous of what she is doing. When I was with her, all we did was hold hands and occasionally I would brush strands of hair away from her face.

I really want to be the one that is doing all that to her. I wish she didn’t fall in love with me and our relationship stayed just like that. I think she would’ve liked that as well.

Everything felt so simple that we didn’t even have to think twice with the things we did or even the words we said to each other because it wasn’t such a big deal.

I’m wondering though, when did she fall in love with me? Was it really on that night that we slept together or was it before that.

I look at her and her girlfriend again. She doesn’t look happy and that hurts me a lot.

Am I the source of all this pain? Because I don’t think I can live with this guilt.

I wanna be the one that makes her happy again if that’s even possible.

I don’t want to do it out of pity because seeing her happy is not enough.

I want to stay next to her and keep her company as long as I can, just because I was able to act transparent with her most of the time.

Maybe this is love? But I beg to differ. Love is when you feel your heartbeat pace and your stomach flutters. Then you get nervous whenever that person is around. I don’t feel any of that at all. So I’m sure this is something else.

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It’s now Friday and it’s exactly three days since I last saw her. I’m really annoyed because she is the only one occupying my mind for the past few days. I don’t have to go to school until next week Friday so I’ve been staying at home and doing nothing.

Maybe it’s just because I’m bored and I don’t have anything to do that I’m forced to think about her.

I think…I’m going to school today.

Hang out with some people and just walk around. Then I can get my mind off of her.

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“Don’t forget to bring my flowers and chocolate after the play okay oppa? Just kidding! Bye!” I scream before leaving the auditorium.

After three long hours of just doing nothing but fooling around, I’m still bored but I’m glad that I killed some time in the process.

I walk around at the courtyard where people are sitting while writing and reading. I then notice that girl, Soohoon or whatever, reading in one of the chairs.

“Hi.” I wave.

She notices me and then she looks up on me and takes off her earphones.

“Oh hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine, just a bit bored, so I’m walking around.”

“Ooh, take a seat!”

I then sit down she gives me a warm smile.

“I forgot, um, my name is Tiffany, drama major.”

“I’m Seohyun, biology major, in case you forgot.”

She extends her hand and I shake it. When I did, I just realized her similarities with Yuri.

Just like her, she is tall. She seems kind like Yuri. Besides the fact that she talks more than Yuri does, I think they’re pretty similar.

“Do you live near here?” I ask her, just as topic starter.

“Somewhat, I live near ummm Y Bookstore?”

Oh what a surprise, we live next to each other.

“Oh really? Me too actually.”

“Great! Would you like to walk together? I’m almost done reading this chapter.”

“Sure.” I give her a smile.

We start walking towards the exit and I’m really having thoughts of holding her hand but I won’t. She will probably think I’m weird since we barely know each other and then I would be touchy with her just like that.

Strange, I never really thought like this when I first met Yuri and held her hand.

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We continue talking about random things until we get to her doorstep. I feel this has happened before with Yuri, during that time when I broke up with my boyfriend and just wanted to kill time so I went to her house and yup, we ended up killing time alright.

“Would you like to come in and have some tea for a bit?” She offers. I probably should say no to this but well, I have nothing else to do.

“Sure.”

I sit on the couch waiting for her to boil water. Seriously, this is exactly what happened with Yuri. Should I do it? To prove a point that this what happened with Yuri was just lust?

Here she comes, with the cup. If she sets mine down before her own, I think that’s a sign.

And she does.

I grab her wrist and she looks at me with such a confused face. I do the same things that I did with Yuri but this doesn’t feel right. Maybe if I do more it will eventually turn out the same.

I straddle myself on her lap and I kiss her. She’s not resisting so I’m guessing that she wants it too.

“Take me to your bedroom.” I breathlessly say to her.

As our kisses grew more passionate; I direct her kisses and touches to carefully replicate the night I spent with Yuri.

We spend the night devouring each other hungrily.

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I get home and go straight to the bathroom. Before I left, I placed a note for Seohyun with my apology. I’m really scared that like Yuri, she might take it the wrong way.

I take off my clothes and stand in front of the mirror. I see evidence of last night and I feel a lot of pain on my chest.

Instead of crying, I head to the shower to wash away my tears but they’re still flowing.

I continue to scrub off the places where Seohyun touched and kissed me.

I feel filthy and stupid with what I’ve done.

I scrub a little bit harder until I feel a sting on my skin. I stop and cry some more.

Yesterday confirmed something and I’m shedding tears because of it.

It wasn’t Seohyun’s fault that I feel like this since I was the one that initiated it. It’s not because of that girl’s hurtful words, though I admit they hurt me a lot. I realized that I didn’t just long for the sexual contact, company, or entertainment that Yuri provided me.

All this time, I realized that I’ve been longing for her.

And now I’m too late to do anything about it.

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(Nine. Curtain Call.)

yulti, fanfic

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