I feel estranged from my own history and self today. I feel like a sack of unpolished marbles, poured out on concrete. I want to trust God and yet I find my own faith in a state of disrepair. I'm guilty of being human - of assuming that I'm safe in my patterns, of assuming that patterns will keep me safe. I'm not particularly angry or ashamed of ( Read more... )

I have to go to bed soon. But I wanted to say hello. Hello journal, hello Jamie of the future looking back. I love you. I trust that you'll be coming back to me in this moment, coming to me to show me the comfort and compassion I don't yet understand how to show myself. I am trying though. Trying hard. I'm going to find a new job, because I do not ( Read more... )

All my words have been shit
Since the day I chose to say the truth here
And not spin syllables
To roll and dance around your mouth
Tickling lies, which sound so nice

Until you see the aftermath
Of nothingness
Of creation in the drift
It is tremendously sad
When I chose to not live
Simply to survive

I'm beginning to trust myself :)

I had some really eye-opening dreams last night. I feel really lonely today, now. I spent time with Kim yesterday and today that I think I probably should have spent alone. My room is a mess. I'm still working at Chipotle and have little or nothing to show for my job efforts. I can't seem to bring myself to work on my resume, even though I really ( Read more... )

I spoke with Jeff last night face to face. I'm beginning to feel the withdrawal. It is the nauseousness. A sickening brokeness. I think the belief attached to this terrible physical sensation is a denial-based hope. Hoping that I can somehow do the same things I did and expect a different result. Of course, in my mind, deep down, I'm not telling ( Read more... )

There is a blackness ( Read more... )

Jeff and I broke up last week. We said goodbye on Friday (Nov. 27). We promised each other to have absolutely no contact for a minimum of four months ( Read more... )

I need space. Space from you, your dreams, your nightmares, your worlds. I need to get away from you all so that I might begin to hear myself. I'm missing my song. And I know it's not easy to hear this, but me getting this need met is more important to me than what you need. Simple as that.

The last few days have been very painful and also adventurous. I have much to do -alone. My whole body hurts. I must learn to say goodbye. The obvious and most torturous answer.