It's been a long time. A hard time. Life certainly isn't what I expected it would be when I was little. Why didn't anyone prepare me for that? Well, that's a silly question. What my parents prepared me for was to carry the burden of their brokenness. They prepared me to carry it as best they could. Unfortunately, they did not prepare me to heal it ( Read more... )

Basically, I'm pissed. I'm frustrated. I'm fucking fed up. I should no longer give a shit what people around me think of my intuitions, gut feelings, etc. I just got back from a 3 week backpacking adventure both in the Olympic mountains and on the beach out on the peninsula. If there's anything I learned out there - it's that my gut is dead-fucking ( Read more... )

she always starts here with emptiness ( Read more... )

Outside in the sticks
There is a place of soft dirt
Not too far down
There is a spring in this place
A well for the waiting
And in the springtime
A girl from the village
Will come in search of fairytale magic
And will find this well
Bubbling up from a love eternal
They will dance together
And she will become the tree
That marks the miracle
Small in the ( Read more... )

I want to be done with this

Colossal void emptiness death show

The dragon's lair

Where everything spins

And everything wilts

And everything eats itself

In an endless display of death fucking death

The death show

Why it haunts me so aggressively

Is an atrocity to God

An atrocity He can bear

In the hall that echos my Fear

Is His presence only

He lives and breaths ( Read more... )

So this thing keeps happening with Slavik. We spend a few days together - the feelings are really intense, then there's this undertow thing that happens. He pulls away, I pull toward - all the sudden we're adrift in a sea of compulsion. We become quite compelled. The compulsion covers some sort of fear, mine of abandonment, his of engulfment. Then ( Read more... )

I don't really know how to keep being with this feeling. Last night Slavik told me before we went to Enessa's house that he has been experiencing what I would call a pretty cataclysmic ambivalence about being with me. At times, he says, he knows that he wants to be with me (especially when we're hanging out). At other times, he knows he does not ( Read more... )

My heart literally hurts. I've never felt this kind of physical pain in the heart before. I just let Slavik go. May God guide us both. I've never felt this way about someone, I've never felt this ability to do the right thing, in the face of my fears, in the face of what I feel that I want, which is this man to choose me. But that is a choice I ( Read more... )

I choose to let go. Praise God, I let go. Teach me through this night, I long to wake up, long for the courage and strength to truly live. I'm so sorry for resisting Your will. I'm so sorry I keep forgetting that all else is death. I love you Lord and I choose the cross. Choose reality and pain and life. May I not forget the life in this moment, ( Read more... )

Today I feel blank. Today I feel empty. Today I am angry that I'm sitting here with this feeling - when I had planned something else. I know this anger is just a self-punishment for my lack of control. I want to control, to run away from the upending cacophony of silence within. It hurts to look at. It hurts to sit with. I don't know what I believe ( Read more... )