J[a]e•lous•y
title: Jaelousy [1/2]
pairing: Jaesu
rating: R
genre: melodrama
length: 9710 words, two shot
summary: Jaejoong has it bad for quite a few years and one day he decides that he's had enough. He has a plan... but it all goes so spectacularly wrong.
a/n: Since it's Jae's real birthday today, here's the first part! Happy (belated) Junsu&Jaejoong birthday!
J[a]e·lous·y
/ˈdʒeləsi/
- an unhappy feeling because someone has something that Jaejoong would like or can do something that Jaejoong would like to do
- a feeling of being unhappy and upset because Jaejoong thinks someone who he loves is attracted to someone else
e.g. a) Jaelousy can ruin relationships, b) sexual jaelousy
Jaejoong had it bad. He was irrevocably in love with Junsu and this was the truest feeling he had. He couldn’t exactly remember when it happened. No, actually, he could but thinking about the time made him only feel more pitiful.
-
It had all started that painful autumn in 2006. Yoochun and he had fought and at a gathering in a restaurant Yoochun had decided to make a scene by not talking to him when Jaejoong had approached him to - he had roughly turned his shoulder away from Jaejoong’s arm, for everybody to see. The reason was stupid, really, so stupid he hadn’t bothered to memorise it. At that time he had mentally been exhausted because his fight with Yoochun had clashed with other draining matters. His biological father had filed for a lawsuit and taken his family affairs to court a week prior to that incident, hence the public had gotten wind of his parents not being his real parents which had set them into a state of shock. Though they were real to him in every sense of the word, but not that the press and public had bothered to ask for his opinion. Not until he had felt obligated to give a statement anyway, for the sake of all the hurt family members. However, before he had decided to give a public statement, groups of his fans had united to give his biological father a shit-storm by accusing him he had only been after Jaejoong’s money, now that he was famous and successful as a singer. In spite of everything, Jaejoong had been the one to get the back-lash of this storm. So, all the bad Karma, his and Yoochun’s fight, his father’s lawsuit, the press not letting him live in peace, and the public’s wrath, had flooded and rolled over him at once that autumn. Only as he had reached his limit of tolerance in that restaurant, had it hit him emotionally though.
He could still clearly remember Yoochun giving him the cold shoulder. Then it was a blur of devastation, hurt, angst, the lack of breath, a shiver running down his whole body, and finally panic.
If it hadn’t been for a hand suddenly stroking his then long blond strands of hair over his scalp, he would have collapsed right there in front of everyone, despite what the public would have thought of him. But that one hand had made it possible to relax eventually.
The first thing he had heard had been Junsu’s voice asking him softly, just a breath away, what had been wrong, and it had made him confess all of his sorrows immediately.
It was a petty reason to like someone, but as he had listened to Junsu’s comforts, it had somehow happened. He had started to notice Junsu, his greater nice side always bubbling beneath the surface to come into sight when needed; his so very gentle heart. He had noticed his voice becoming only so soft-spoken when Junsu had talked to him, moreover the way he had said Hyung; without the usual teasing, jibe or haughtiness behind it, just pure, servile niceness, as if he was willing to do anything to make Jaejoong happy. And what Junsu had said, while ever speaking the truth, had been helpful and sweet. For example, “Hyung is so lucky; you not only have one but two pairs of parents that love you. You must have saved a country in your past life!” He didn’t know why but it was the nicest thing someone could have and had said to him in that situation, it had changed his whole view upon the matter.
He else had noticed that warm, warm hand had never stopped caressing him while he had spoken, and when Jaejoong had felt he wouldn’t cry and could look up from the floor, he had noticed the chubby face with the creaseless, almond eyes and knobby nose had been so uncharacteristically wise and grown up already, and those lips, goodness, had they always looked so cherry-red?
-
All in all, that was about how and when he had started to feel fonder of Junsu, and now, almost seven years later, Jaejoong had it bad. He couldn’t eat, he couldn’t drink, he couldn’t sleep, and he couldn’t breathe without thinking about Junsu. Junsu haunted him the moment he woke up, to the moment right before he went to sleep, and even slipped into his world of dreams on a regular basis, leaving him panting and desperate when he woke up every following day.
The worst part for Jaejoong, that made living a right hell, was that Junsu didn’t feel the same, never had done so and never will be. Jaejoong was convinced of it.
-
For example, that year when Jaejoong had had his epiphany, Junsu had already been in a relationship. It had been Junsu’s first girlfriend, he remembered it undoubtedly, and the bad part was that Junsu had loved her dearly. He had seen it in the way his eyes had shone every time he had talked to her on the phone, or the few times he had come back from a date and his whole face had been glowing, sometimes with visibly bruised lips that had made Jaejoong deliriously jealous. This had been a first. Junsu hadn’t met her more than three times in a hundred days of course, not with them being at the height of promoting their third group album and having the countless flights between Japan and back for other demanding schedules they had to go through. So, when Junsu had made the rare free time to meet her, it had always been a special event, despite the fact that the place they had met at had been the parking lot to the building they had lived at as a group of five. For Jaejoong this had been torture, thinking about all the possibilities that might have taken place just a short distance away.
Are they meeting at 4D?
No, they’re probably meeting at 6B, we always park the group-van at 6B, he had reasoned with himself.
Goodness, they’re probably snogging by now! Dear God, if you exist, don’t let them go further than snogging…
The moment he had thought about that had been the time Jaejoong had given his frustrations free reign by doing a hundred push-ups, when that hadn’t been enough, he had done a hundred sit-ups, and because that had also never been enough, he had started lifting dumbbells. When he had felt the dumbbells hadn’t been heavy enough anymore, he had started lifting heavier objects he could find in his surroundings, such as vases, chairs, the boxes of Kimchi from their freezer, Yunho’s five litres bottle filled to the brim with 500 Won coins, and Yoochun’s keyboard. By that time Changmin had usually found amusement in his doings and watched him or even participated in doing in-door gym. So he had started to lift Changmin always as his last station who had giggled every time before he lifted him in turn and he had laughed in response at which point his adrenaline-rush had slowly died down and the world had righted itself again.
That is, right to the moment Junsu had come home crying one day.
Yunho and Yoochun, who had usually used these free occasions for dates with their girlfriends, as well, hadn’t been at home. Changmin and he had been left to put the broken pieces of Junsu back together.
Changmin, who had avoided male-to-male contact and comfort on principal, and who wouldn’t have allowed Jaejoong to touch him if Jaejoong hadn’t spent the last two years to break through his outer shields, had gone to make some tea in the kitchen. Jaejoong had been the one to give Junsu the shoulder to cry on when Junsu had told him he had broken up with his first girlfriend.
Jaejoong had never before seen Junsu cry like that, and he had been torn between feeling heart-broken in pity and making a jump of joy in relief that Junsu had been freed of that relationship. Jaejoong had never felt so ashamed of himself either.
God, I’m the most terrible Hyung. I’m so sorry… I take everything back I ever said about his girlfriend or relationship. How can I be happy when Junsu is sad?
With that thought he had tried to remember how comforting Junsu’s hands had felt in his hair or around his torso when he had been in pain. So, he had returned the favour; caressed Junsu's hair in comfort and hugged him close to his body. When Junsu had hugged him as tightly and desperately back, he had tried not to feel any joy of it, tried to tame his beating heart.
This isn’t the right time to make a confession.
This hadn't been a time to be selfish, but selfless, and with that attitude Jaejoong had suppressed his own feelings for the while. He had concentrated on playing the Hyung that Junsu had needed more than anyone or anything else.
"I loved her, Hyung."
"Shh, I know."
"I really loved her, she was my first love."
"I know."
"But I broke up with her."
"It's okay."
"I had to. I had never time for her."
"Shush now, it's okay. You had your reasons."
"But I loved her." Junsu had repeated.
"Um... I made tea." Changmin had announced.
"Good, bring it here with two tissues,” he had said.
Then he had smiled at Changmin and whispered something into Junsu's ear at which point Junsu had said, "thank you, Changmin. I love you two."
Jaejoong had smiled again, but bitter-sweetly. "We love you also," he had said with all his heart.
"You wouldn't leave me, too, right?"
Jaejoong had hugged him tighter, trying to squeeze the insecurity away.
How can you demand that of me? One day you’re going to have your own house, and marry, and have pretty little babies with your creaseless almond eyes, and you will have forgotten about me… How can you demand such a cruel thing? Do you expect me to stand by and endure all that?
"Never," he had whispered against all logic, the word even over-flooded with sincerity that he would uphold no matter how many girlfriends of Junsu he had yet to see come, go, and endure.
"Promise?" Junsu had asked, holding out his pinkie finger. If Junsu demanded it like that, he would endure it all.
"Of course I promise," Jaejoong had said determinedly and tied his own pinkie around Junsu's before turning his thumb to face and kiss Junsu's.
When Changmin had said, "you guys are so childish," they had broken out laughing and gone had been the serious atmosphere.
On one hand he had wished that he had been the one to make Junsu laugh and blush like that, on another he had been utterly grateful to Changmin in that moment.
"Ya, we're still your Hyungs!" Junsu had said.
"No need to get informal with us, you prat!" Jaejoong had said.
He had loved those little moments when Junsu and he together had ganged up on Changmin. He couldn't have done this with anyone else because Yunho and Yoochun always would have picked Changmin's side with the reasoning that he had been the baby of the group. With Junsu it had been different since he had been so young, too and he had understood how Changmin ticked the best.
“All right, all right! Here is the tea and here are the tissues, cry-babies-”
“Do I have to listen to this kiddo when I’m upset, Hyung?” Junsu had asked Jaejoong.
“No, you don’t. Changmin, shut up.”
“I was going to say Hyungs!” he had jokingly said and put the tea-tray first down before holding out two tissues.
“Of course you were,” Jaejoong had said and taken the offered tissues with the intention to pass them on to Junsu when Changmin’s words had belatedly hit him, cry-babies. In shock he had realised he had really been crying with Junsu. He had kept one tissue to himself.
-
Three years later Jaejoong had been reminded of his promise to Junsu. He had seen another relationship of Junsu come and go the previous year whereas he had been the single and mourning but constant presence in Junsu’s life that the latter could return to for comfort.
Nonetheless, this year had been a turning point for all of them; the tension between their company and them had been palpable in the air. They had been fed up with being mistreated, being pushed around like marionettes, being exhausted to the bones and yet never having enough time to sleep, not being paid their share for the inhuman work they had been put through, and not being allowed to make their own investments, miserable attempts at making their own money. They had been sick of being exploited like slaves, but with the perspective of no improvement for another 8 years, 10 if the two years of military service had been included, they had been cornered with only one option left.
"Hyung, have you heard what they did to Yoochun?" Junsu had asked him one day.
"Yes, he couldn't stop crying while he told me.” Jaejoong’s fists had tensed in concealed rage. “Those damn bastards, what else have they said?"
"That we aren't allowed to invest either, they said they're going to stop us. They said there's no payment for the fourth album either."
"Are they even allowed to do that?"
Junsu had shrugged with his shoulders and clicked with his tongue. "Yoochun and I have discussed it; I told him that we should get a lawyer’s counsel. We’re going to tell our parents. You’re with us, aren’t you, Hyung?"
There had it been again, that softly spoken Hyung. Jaejoong hadn’t pondered for long. "Of course I am. It's not only about the investments, not only about the money."
"I don’t think the company realises how serious we are, they still treat us like kids and act as if we didn’t pull a great feat when in fact, we haven’t been any more successful or any higher in popularity than this. If they don’t listen to us at our height, they are never going to. Hyung, is it too much when people ask for what they deserve?"
This coming out of the mouth of the most humble person that he’d known had meant how serious an issue this had been. After all, Junsu had been the one who had known the company the best. "No. And how do you feel?" He had asked Junsu.
Junsu had tiredly smiled at him and sighed. "I've had enough."
This had been all the resolution that Jaejoong had needed. He had taken one of Junsu's veiny hands in his and squeezed it. "We're going to sue their fucking asses."
"Hyung," had Junsu said as he had squeezed back, "if it comes down to it, to leave the group, Changmin and Yunho-Hyung behind, would you do it?"
"They should know that we're leaving that company behind, not them, Junsu. But if it comes down to it..."
"Hyung, you promised..." Junsu had whispered ever so softly while staring at him, “how am I supposed to be strong for Yoochun… and myself, without your backup? Hyung, I need your presence… I can’t do this without you.” Then he had started crying, a thing he hadn’t done in front of Jaejoong since his last breakup.
"I'll go wherever you go," Jaejoong had said, looking down at their clasped hands and feeling light around the heart. "I promised," he had repeated as warmth had spread in his face.
Junsu had smiled at him with thick tears rolling down his cheeks, his body sagging against the couch they had been sitting on, obviously relieved.
Jaejoong hadn’t believed this one promise had meant so much to Junsu. After he had found out, he had been happy and he could have burst with the joy, but otherwise he had been endlessly sad that this still hadn’t meant that Junsu had loved him like he had wanted to be loved.
"Hyung, are you okay?" Junsu had asked him from up-close as he had wiped at Jaejoong's cheeks. He had been crying with Junsu without noticing, again. He had shaken his head.
"It's your fault. Stop crying," he had said and taken Junsu's head between his hands, wiping at Junsu's wet cheeks with his thumbs. "Heart hurts when I see you cry," he had mumbled. Junsu had laughed the matter of, as if Jaejoong hadn’t just revealed his truest feeling.
-
4 Years later he realised simply nothing had changed his truest feeling. It was not that he hadn't tried; he was just at his wit's end.
-
After 2010 he had dated a lot, for the first time in 7 years. What had triggered the change of mind? Junsu's third girlfriend, of course. He had had a few week-long relationships and a handful of thrown-in blind-dates with smart, unique, funny, nice, amazingly pretty, and or sexy women. That one time he had even met with the lady idol-killer they had used to call the "black-widow". He had unknowingly gotten charmed by his friend's ex who had been named after the deadly spider that first seduced its male partners, coupled with them, and then devoured them alive. She had fit the name precisely, and Jaejoong had dropped her the moment he had gotten wind of her true identity. He had had sex with some of the ladies when his sexual frustration had been at its peak, but no matter how spectacular, there had been no emotional attachment.
On the whole, he would just search for and compare with characteristics of solely one and at the end of the day; there would be no match so nothing would change his feelings for that one person. It only got worse every time he came out of a relationship lonelier than before, and Junsu made it more difficult by even comforting him after every break-up or failed date. Simply no woman could drive out his desire for this man, no matter how feminine and attractive her charms were, this wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a man, not any man, just Junsu. His heart was doomed to wither.
Sometimes he would think it was entirely his own fault, why fall for another man, and that a team-member out of all the people? He was told it was abnormal to like another man but whatsoever, he didn’t give a shit. Even if team-members were not there to fall for but to work with, he hadn’t cared about Junsu being male then when it had happened, and he wasn’t going to start caring after all these years.
Thinking that maybe another guy could drive Junsu out of his system, Jaejoong also visited a gay-bar. Yet, following several failed and embarrassing attempts of fellatio on his person he was left blue, hard, very much frustrated, and he swore he would never again let a stranger anywhere close to his genitals. The only comfort he got out of this night was the certainty that for him it should definitely be a guy. The feeling of another man's crotch against his was nice in the beginning, the hard pressure of an erect penis against his fingers when he gave the stranger a pity-handjob later was also nice, it felt right. He wanted to excite like that, he felt confident to arouse his counter-part like that because he knew what he was doing and how to do it naturally. The first time may have been sloppy but the guy in the bar moaned his appreciation into Jaejoong's shoulder and shuddered with his whole body before he came with his load over Jaejoong's hand. Jaejoong left him in his post-coital bliss before he noticed Jaejoong still had to be brought over the edge. Jaejoong took care of that himself in the security of his home’s bathroom with the shortest wank he ever had.
Afterwards he hated himself a little more. He felt miserable and guilty, as if he had betrayed Junsu - or his feelings to him at least. It had to be Junsu; his heart wouldn't accept anybody else. He wished the stranger had been Junsu. He cried himself to sleep.
-
It wouldn't be so severe if Junsu were just a friend like Yoochun, a category like respected brothers that he wouldn't even think of having these kinds of feelings for. The problem was, even though he was Junsu’s beloved Hyung, Junsu wasn't his friend. Junsu was his workmate, and when they spent time after work together, Jaejoong wouldn't think of it as outings, friends or family time but secretly as dates. He liked every aspect of Junsu in every second of these ‘dates’, every secret they shared, every observation he made about the other that no one else did, and every picture he took without the other's knowledge. Since he wanted to stay true to his feelings, he used many of these pictures as samples for his wanking fantasies. Nevertheless, short-timed release only brought him that far and was no solution to his permanent ache.
That's why he had to do something about Junsu. After years of loneliness, suppressed jealousy and his very nearly withered heart, he finally accepted that he had enough, he decided to confess - and it had nothing to do with Junsu breaking up with his fourth girlfriend in the latest summer of 2012. Now it was 2013 and Jaejoong was certain a confession was his last chance at peace of mind. Just once he wanted to have a full night’s rest without the thought of Junsu keeping him awake till the late morning hours. He didn’t want to be that miserable anymore.
As soon as he re-experienced how nerve-wrecking confessions in whatever way were, Jaejoong almost wanted to make a U-turn and accept the sleepless nights. The nervousness that gripped him when he was around Junsu virtually killed him at times. At other times he suspected and feared that Junsu knew exactly what he felt, ignored it completely and didn't respond or react to him on purpose. Alternatively, he would think Junsu was just that clueless. He didn't know what was worse. Junsu's presence was maddening enough but being apart from him was so much more painful. Jaejoong was doomed this way or that. The best he could do was hoping for a positive outcome but he didn't dare to, what with the disappointment being greater later, if it went bad.
Jaejoong thought he'd start confessing in natural surroundings, no special event to not shock Junsu for life, but he would get it over with once and for all, no more small hints that Junsu wouldn't get anyway or could misinterpret. He imagined it as an 'I love you' slipped during a video game in Junsu's or his own living room, or during a drive through the night-air that Junsu was so fond of. Bad idea, he would then think, he would never drive with me after that. He could let it slip during a casual goodbye-hug after work, or the annual birthday-hug. Already tried that, Jaejoong remembered, it didn't work. Even though Junsu had cutely complained about the goose-bumps he had gotten because Jaejoong’s ‘I love you’ had been whispered into his neck. Finding out one of Junsu’s sensitive spots was considered a small success. He could write the words in secret places in Junsu's house, waiting for him to discover his little notes, but he wouldn't be sure when the notes would be discovered. Too risky. He could write it as an electronic message and sent it to him, but he had already done it via Kakao talk and twitter so many times that the words had lost their weight and wouldn't be taken seriously the way he wanted them to. He could try to confess to Junsu at one of their trips to the beach, like not saying the words but drawing his name in the sand with hearts and trying to kiss him directly, but then he would think of Mahalo and he remembered he had already tried that, too, in front of the camera no less. The memory of Junsu’s face turning away in the last second broke him apart, even though he had laughed together with Junsu at that time. The cornfield-almost-kiss also came to mind; Junsu had lain under him - a perfect opportunity - but despite the grin on Junsu’s face, he had squinted his eyes so hard that Jaejoong hadn’t dared to go in for the kill, too pained by the expression. He cursed his actions, damning them for they seemed to be kidding to Junsu.
He wasn't even allowed to drunk-confess, no, he had even tried that, and ended up tonguing Junsu's neck and singing praises of his pheromones and scent even hours later, to the press above all. Junsu, of course, had shoved the reaction off to his drunken state and hadn’t taken it seriously; he had found it uproariously funny. Goodness, had Jaejoong been embarrassed later on!
He swore he wouldn't drink till he got it over with the confession. Drunken states were no joke, particularly the head-aches after...
No, he had to make it clear this time by saying the three words and meaning them, without breaking out into a smile, he had to stay serious.
So, what options was he left with? He could always invite Junsu to his new apartment since he hadn't seen it yet. For the last house-party Junsu had no time since he was busy with his second album preparations, so he could use this excuse to invite him alone.
Giving himself a confidence boost, he went to grab his cell-phone. He would call Junsu over, he could do this, he just had to sound casual. With shaking fingers he dialled Junsu's number, the first one on speed dial.
Instead of a ringtone he could hear their song In Heaven playing and that right at the part where he himself was singing. His heart was doing a back-flip in his chest.
♫ Those words; I can’t say them, I really can’t - as long as you are beside me ♫
Oh, the irony of it all, thought Jaejoong. Well yes, Jaejoong wrote the lyrics to the song after all, and there was no surprise about who he had in mind at this part.
Junsu was singing next, his natural hoarse voice being better than any liquid aphrodisiac. Jaejoong’s hands became sweaty.
♫ Waiting a little longer, walking in a dream, I come to the end that your inner eye must be closed ♫
Daaaaamn right, something in Junsu was ab-so-lute-ly too blind to see.
The refrain started but he didn’t pay attention to the lyrics anymore because he could hear his own pulse ringing in his ears.
When even that part supposedly finished, he started doubting whether Junsu was too busy taking his call. It probably rang already five times on Junsu’s end.
He was disappointed, he should hang up.
"Hello?" He heard as he was just about to press the disconnecting button.
His heart skipped a beat, he rapidly put the phone back to his ear. "Jaejoongie-Hyung?"
Oh God, Hyung! This word is the bane of my life!
"Oh Junsuya," he said, "what are you doing? Why weren't you answering the phone?"
"Hey! Hyung, I'm practicing for my next musical performance right now."
"Oh, Elisabeth?"
"Yes."
"Ah, when is your next performance?"
"Wednesday and Thursday, Hyung, do you want to come and watch? It will be difficult but I could reserve a seat for you."
To watch you kissing a woman AND another guy right in front of me? No, thanks. "Uh, I'll see if I have time and can make it."
"Okay, can I call you later, Hyung?"
"Yeah, babye." He hung up first, he always did. It was better than waiting for Junsu’s last hiss of voice to die out.
Great, he had about a couple of hours to make sure whether he had dates that could interfere with Junsu’s performances. So far he had been able to avoid watching Elisabeth, the whole first season of it and now the second. He would even make a schedule up if he had to.
-
To put it mildly, the last times Jaejoong had seen Junsu kissing someone hadn’t ended that well. The first of those times may have been through his computer screen but it hadn’t been any less shocking. He had stumbled upon a fan video of Junsu’s performance as Mozart, not that he had intentionally been searching for the particular kiss-scene. But to be honest, he had been curious; he had wanted to see what it had looked like when Junsu attached his lips to another person. Junsu had never kissed one of his girlfriends in front of the members; he was a very private person when it came to his relationships. Only his bruised lips had ever betrayed his actions, that and that stupid glow on his face. After a lot of mulling over and nail-chewing, Jaejoong had watched the scene, and oh, had he regretted it.
Jaejoong had been so jealous that one second his eyes had narrowed and his body had stiffened, and the next he had shot up from his chair and flipped it completely over. That innocent woman in the musical, that cute Nuna-actress had probably never harmed a fly in her life - he had been so jealous he had cursed her seven ways to hell. Thanks to his jealousy, and because he was such a masochist, Jaejoong had replayed the video the whole night till every image had been burned into his retinas and every millisecond had been memorized, while he was standing. He had noticed that Junsu had pouted into the kiss, his lips appearing redder than ever, he had analysed every crease those lips had created at contact, and he had noticed that Junsu had initiated the kiss, the actress passively accepting it. He had also observed the lack of tongue, which he had been grateful for if it hadn’t been for one last thing. He had seen a shared glow on Junsu’s and the actress’s face, as if some sparks had been exchanged, as if Jaejoong had just witnessed the moment of them falling in love.
It had been very late when Jaejoong had finally turned off his computer. Tired and dolefully he had made his way to his bed, with his thoughts elsewhere he had completely forgotten about the flipped chair. He had tripped over it, landing face-front on the floor. Lying there in the dark with a bruised forehead, pretending a more wretched person than him hadn’t existed on earth, he had wished he hadn’t foreseen a future relationship of Junsu but rather two very good actors at work. His wish hadn’t come true though, a year later she had become Junsu’s fourth girlfriend.
While a week later, this incident had still trailed after him and brought him more misfortune. After all the years of successful secrecy, Yoochun had become suspicious. It had been his own fault, Yoochun’s alarms had not ringed if it hadn’t been for his traitorous mouth running off, jealously addressing Junsu and unashamedly approaching him with the topic at work, while they had been filmed, as well. He had acted funnily and hyper as if it hadn’t bothered him deeply for the whole week.
“I saw your kiss-scene on the internet,” he had said. “You did it for real, didn’t you?”
“It was the first time,” Junsu had replied with a cautious smile.
“I mean, was it real?” he had asked, like he hadn’t known the answer.
“Yes.”
And because his masochistic nature had wanted another stab to the heart he had asked, “how was it?”
“How was what?” Junsu had coughed.
“How was the kiss?” he had insisted.
“Soft kind of feeling?”
Then they both had laughed loudly, Junsu out of embarrassment and Jaejoong to cover up that he had been burning inwardly.
Not five minutes later Yoochun had asked him to a changing cubicle. “Um, Jaejoong-Hyung, can I talk to you in private for a moment?”
With a foreboding feeling, like he had been caught in the act, he had followed the voice and left Junsu to be made up ready for a shoot. The second he had been inside the cubicle, Yoochun had drawn the curtain and cornered him against the wall before he had started whispering in accusing tones. “How did you really injure your forehead, Hyung?”
“I already said that I ran into a door.”
“Bullshit. You’re lying.”
“I’m not!”
“You keep wrinkling your nose the millisecond just before you lie.”
“I-I do not!”
“Does it have something to do with Junsu?”
“No.” He had tried to control his facial features at this point.
“Liar. You did it again, Hyung.”
Damn, he had inwardly cursed. Yoochun could and had read him better than anyone else, this had been a dangerous meeting. He had had to escape.
“And what’s this sudden interest in Junsu’s kissing scene?”
“Nothing, I was just happy for him.”
“Another lie. How was the kiss?” Yoochun had imitated his voice, “really, Hyung?”
Jaejoong had blushed, a thing he had rarely done in front of Yoochun. “What? Don’t act like you didn’t want to know about it!”
“I wouldn’t have gone into details! Why didn’t you just ask him how much spit he exchanged while you were at it, Hyung?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he had laughed.
“Hyung, does Junsu’s kissing bother you or something?” Yoochun had asked in a more serious tone.
“This meeting is over.” Jaejoong had shoved Yoochun aside and almost left the cubicle when he had frozen for a second.
“Oh, my God, it does!”
He had walked on without turning back.
Ten minutes later Yoochun had developed a devilish plan to find out the truth. While Jaejoong had been getting his make-up done, he had made Junsu wrestle with him over a phone to read some insider text messages, and that right behind Jaejoong so he had mirrored sight on every action. This had been the first and last time Jaejoong had ever been jealous of Yoochun. So much body-contact, Jaejoong had kept thinking, watching them with narrowed eyes. Why so much body-contact? If Junsu got any closer he would sit in Yoochun’s lap.
When Jaejoong had heard his own name being mentioned, his fibre of tension had been ripped and he had burst with a bout of temper. “Why do you talk about me behind my back?”
They had just laughed in response which had made him only more furious.
Hours after they had finished the photo-shoot, Jaejoong had still been mumbling grumpily, “insider jokes my ass. Keep laughing without me. Keep laughing about me.”
At one point Yoochun had heard it and broadly grinned at him. “Are you still mad about that, Hyung? There’s no need to be jealous.”
“I’m not jealous!”
“We weren’t laughing about you the whole time. I can’t believe how jealous you are right now, Hyung.”
“I said I’m not!”
“All I showed him were the text messages between me and my girlfriend. He was happy for me, why should you be jealous over that, Hyung?”
“I said- oh.”
“Oh, my God! See, you were jealous! But why? It’s not like he’s been spending more time with me than with you, or he’s been closer to me than to you.”
“I know.” Jaejoong had sighed ashamedly.
“Hyung, you see, either we accept it or not, Junsu has grown out of his Magnae-role, as well, what with him taking up roles with kissing and bed scenes. I know it makes us uncomfortable since we can’t arrange that image of his with the young boy that we’ve used to know… but he’s a grown up man now.” Yoochun’s little reprimanding speech had been quite mature and Jaejoong had known that every time Yoochun had said “we” or “us” he had actually meant “you”. It had made him feel very childish and reconsider who the real Hyung had been. More than once he had thought that in reality Yoochun had been a very old soul trapped inside a young body.
“I know, you are right,” he had admitted in capitulation, glad that Yoochun had been oblivious to the real reason.
“I usually am. Unless your jealousy is due to something completely else which… nah-” Yoochun, that damn telepathic bastard, had shaken his head, then changed his mind and read Jaejoong’s face again. Terrified, Jaejoong had seen it dawn on Yoochun in that moment. A series of expletives had left Yoochun’s mouth, right before a series of: “Oh. My. God. Oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my fucking-” his jaw had dropped at this point; Jaejoong had closed it for him. “Oh, my God, no! No, no, no!”
“Will you shut up before Junsu comes by and hears you?”
“Hyung, please, if you tell me no I will believe you. Please, tell me I am wrong.” Yoochun had begged, not wanting to accept this reality.
Jaejoong had sighed. “No. You’re wrong.”
“Okay,” Yoochun had nodded, still in shock. “I believe you.” This time he hadn’t read Jaejoong’s face, he had not wanted to see whether Jaejoong had told him the truth or not.
“Good- and not one word to Junsu, understand?” He had threatened.
Yoochun hadn’t protested.
“Now tell me more about your girlfriend. Who is she anyway?”
“Do you know who my co-star in Miss Ripley is?” Yoochun had accepted the pitiable distraction.
“Lee Da Hae? No way!”
“Well…”
-
A month later Junsu had invited them both to watch his performance in the musical Tears of Heaven, and Jaejoong had had a big problem with that. He had called Yoochun to tell him so. It had been time for Yoochun to finally hear the truth out of his own mouth.
“Yoochun, I can’t go to watch that musical.”
“Hyung, you can’t cancel that just a night before! Besides, Junsu already knows that we have no schedule for tomorrow. That’s why he invited us both on our free day!”
“I don’t care, I can’t go.”
“But why?” Yoochun had half-screamed into his device. “I know for a fact that you aren’t sick, Hyung!”
“…”
“Hyung?”
“I can’t watch Junsu kissing another person.”
He had practically heard how Yoochun’s jaw had cracked open at that, he had been able to visualise it before his inner eye, too. This had been one of the perks of being Yoochun’s soul-mate.
“Shut up.”
“I didn’t even say a thing!”
“Your actions speak for themselves.”
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!”
“Not this again…”
“Oh, my fucking- I knew it! You know when I said I believed you? Well, I didn’t. Since when?”
“A few… years?”
“Oh, my God! Why didn’t you ever tell me? You could have told me! It’s me, Yoochun! Your soul-mate, hello?”
“I couldn’t!”
“I could have helped you! I know Junsu the best! No, wait- you know Junsu the best! Oh, my God, why does everything make a sense now?”
“Yoochunah…”
There had been a long pause before Yoochun had replied after that.
“Hyung, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, we need to talk.”
“Tomorrow though, you definitely need to come, Hyung. If not, Junsu would ask questions and he would definitely think ill of you.”
“I don’t want him to think like that. But Yoochunah… I can’t endure it much longer.” He had confessed sadly.
“Jaejoong-Hyung, you have to endure it! Just a little longer, we’ll talk after that! I’ll bring Yoohwan along if that helps you to be distracted. We’ll have a great day together, I promise. Drink tonight if it helps, but tomorrow you must come!”
“All right,” Jaejoong had agreed.
That’s how Yoochun had found out and how it had been settled then.
-
Jaejoong had taken Yoochun’s words to heart and had gotten pissed. He had drunk so much that he had not fallen asleep but more likely into a coma, and when he had woken up, still alcoholised, then only because the symphony of his multiple alarm-clocks on the left, right, and in the centre of his bedpost had started, cannonading right above his head. The terrible head-ache after hadn’t started yet when he had gotten himself ready in slow-motion to leave for the musical. Yoochun calling him several times while he had been on his way had meant he had already been too late. He hadn’t taken up the phone, the knock-knock-knocking in his brain telling him he hadn’t been ready yet for Yoochun’s preaching. He had wanted to go back to sleep, so very much that on the little footway from the car to the musical-theatre he had thrown himself on the floor more than once, put his hands under his head and had just closed his eyes without any inhibitions. He hadn’t felt any embarrassment when people had told him it hadn’t been allowed to lie on the floor. “Oh really?” he had said with a smile, “but I do that a lot.” To prove his words he had stood up, walked a few steps, and had thrown himself back on the floor. He had repeated that cycle right to the moment Yoochun and his brother had met him on the way, and if that had been a camera following his every step, he hadn’t cared at that point.
He had had mood-swings, too. His moods had been so big in their difference, that he had gone from his drowsy state to extremely hyper in mere seconds, pulling out his cell-phone and playing strong beats while dancing in front of Yoochun. That a flock of female staff had formed around them hadn’t disturbed him in the slightest. That had lasted until Yoochun had said loudly, “you drank last night, right?” Only then he had replied with a goofy smile and thrown his arms around Yoochun to hide from the observing eyes of the strangers. Vaguely had he remembered the meeting with Junsu himself, it had been an on his behalf embarrassed Yoohwan who had told him later that he had thrown himself on Junsu’s lap and had called him “Oppa” a moment before he had hugged him and slurred an “I love you” as his departing words.
“Oh fuck, I didn’t!” He had said.
“Oh yes, you did, Hyung. It’s all on camera,” had a rather calm Yoohwan said.
“Oh shit, it isn’t!”
“Oh yes, it is. Hyung, since when?”
“Since when what?”
“Since when are you in love with him?” Well, that had been how Yoohwan had found out.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake! Am I that obvious?”
“No. I’d say your ‘I love you’ was a dead give-away though.” Usually Jaejoong had really liked the quality in Yoohwan to be very empathetic and to understand the people around him better than anyone else. Usually. He hadn’t liked it in that moment.
“Fuck! Did Junsu also notice? What did Junsu say?”
“I don’t think so. He didn’t say anything; he knew you were drunk so he just laughed.”
“Are you sure? What did he do when I called him Oppa? Oh, God!”
He kind of… patted your hair, as he would do to his cats.”
“What? Really?” Jaejoong’s hand had shot up to his head to fondle his own hair, as if he had been able to feel the after-traces of Junsu’s fingers.
“Hyung, you are having that goofy smile on again, it’s creepy.”
Jaejoong had wiped it off self-consciously. “Sorry.”
“Are you still drunk, Hyung? Or are you fit enough to watch the show?”
“I’m getting there, it’s half-half.”
“Good, ‘cause it’s starting.”
Yoochun had come back with three cans of coke, taking his seat next to Jaejoong’s other side.
“Did I miss anything?”
“Yes. Yoohwan knows.” Jaejoong had whispered.
“He knows?” Yoochun had pointed to Yoohwan and grinned broadly. “Well, guess who’s back to the world of the conscious? You’re even blushing again, Hyung.”
“I’m not.” Jaejoong had palmed his face nonetheless. His cheeks had felt warmer than expected.
“Did he also tell you how you called Junsu ‘Oppa’? That was hilarious!”
“He did.”
“And the part where you-”
“Stop it, will you.”
“I should have filmed it with my cam- oh wait, it is on camera! Ha!”
“Shut up.” Jaejoong had wanted the ground to swallow him up.
“Hyung, the show is starting,” Yoohwan had said.
The curtains had been pulled aside just as they had become still while the fans had started to cheer around them.
Jaejoong had taken a deep breath. “Guys, can one of you hold my hand?” he had asked, scared about running away. Both Yoochun and Yoohwan had slipped a hand each into his and pinned him like this to his seat. He had squeezed them, thankful they hadn’t made fun about that. “Let the show begin.”
When they had reached the kissing scene Jaejoong had not closed his eyes, just like he hadn’t when he had watched the Mozart scene on his screen, he hadn’t been able to turn away. He had paid attention to every detail, and despite the fact that his jealousy had reached a boiling point, it had slowly faded away when he had told himself that the actress had been only Haeri-nuna, a long time friend of theirs, a girl Junsu hadn’t had any feeling for because he still had feelings for his Mozart co-star. So Jaejoong’s short-timed hatred for Haeri had ebbed away like this and just been transferred to the other actress. Oh, how much Jaejoong had hated her when he had thought about it.
But he hadn’t had much time to think about her, he had been in too much awe by Junsu’s performance, thunderstruck not only by his improved singing but also acting; a new talent that had been unravelled and blossomed before his eyes, which had made him love Junsu that much more. He had felt ashamed that he hadn’t wanted to come at first and that he hadn’t come earlier. How in the world had he missed this? He had been touched and he had been glad that he had come in the end, right there to the place where he should be. The seat had belonged to him.
After the show they had congratulated Junsu on his performance and when they had sent Junsu off to have his after-party with his co-stars, Jaejoong had gone to Yoochun’s place to have “the talk” with him. It had lasted for hours, it had been sad, and it had been relieving, they had caught up on bonding time and more booze had loosened their tongues. Yoochun had even apologised to him for not reading his soul-mate correctly. “It must have been hard on you to keep that a secret for so long, Hyung. It shouldn’t have been necessary for you to tell me, I should have seen it. I don’t know why I haven’t read the signs.”
“Is’s not your fault, mate.” Jaejoong had slurred. “I’ve luved him for so long that… the way I acted around Jyunshu or the way I treated him only seemed natural to you. You were used to it, and to be honest- I’m very, veeery, verrrry good at keeping secress.”
They had fallen into each other’s arms, hugged and cried, had comforted each other and talked on but Jaejoong hadn’t remembered much more of that night. The important thing had been Yoochun being in on it, sometimes teasing him about the Junsu-issue and sometimes supporting him. Sometimes they had allied to make fun of Junsu together so they had something to giggle about in secret and they had analysed Junsu together because Jaejoong had found Junsu’s every reaction adorable. Yoochun had teased him about that, too.
-
Jaejoong wished he could recall that emotion of being proud of Junsu’s outstanding performance rather than the feeling of his own outstanding jealousy every time Junsu had a new musical. Jaejoong had recalled it only once during Mozart’s second run in the summer of 2011 and it had faded away instantly because he hadn’t liked how Junsu had treated that female co-star at all. Jung Sunah, it had been that summer that she had become Junsu’s fourth girlfriend, and their relationship had lasted for a year. Jaejoong hadn’t recalled the proud emotion after that though, that had been why he hadn’t gone to watch Elisabeth either- and he didn’t recall it now which meant he wasn’t going to go now. It was also because the Elisabeth actresses reminded Jaejoong more of the Mozart actress than the familiar Nuna from Tears of Heaven. It was as though he could sense whether Junsu was sexually attracted to his female counterparts or not. If Junsu weren’t, he would go gladly, and if Junsu were, then he would stay home. Elisabeth was more of a stay-home case. He wasn’t even going to think about the male actors that Junsu kissed, however briefly those kisses were. Jaejoong’s bigger part of hatred was aimed at Ock Juhyun, a dangerous Nuna. He not only cursed her seven but nine ways to hell.
-
Ever since the drunk-confession from two months ago Junsu was a little awkward with him. He hadn’t believed it at first but it had been Yoochun who had indirectly confirmed his suspicion. Jaejoong didn’t understand how it had all gone so spectacularly wrong. He had planned that confession for months. He had made Yoochun postpone his birthday party for this confession just so Junsu had had time to attend it. It had been the night before their second JYJ Membership Week, and he had been able to lure Junsu into a club, a place Junsu avoided like the plague, but he had come for Yoochun’s sake. His plan had been to loosen Junsu up with some drinks, make him move to the dance floor, dance up on him when nobody paid attention, get him aroused, and when the party ended, confess to him while driving him home. Reality had been the complete opposite. The music had been anything else but relaxing, the beat of it in a race with the beat of his heart. It had made him tremendously nervous. The lightings had been anything but supporting in his search for Junsu’s silhouette, and when he had spotted him an hour too late, Junsu had been danced up on by one of Yoochun’s friends. He had appeared at Jaejoong’s side much later; Jaejoong had already lost his nerves and had gone to the bar to have a drink. One drink had become two, two had become three and so on, and when he had become truly alcoholised, his sexual frustration and jealousy at the sight of Junsu’s shaking hips had died down. At one time Junsu had patted his arm away from his next drink, telling him he had had enough for the night. Normally, Jaejoong hadn’t become drunk by the amount of drinks he had had, but that night he had become very tipsy. So much that he had reached his touchy-feely state. It had been a state of legendary stories which Yoochun had no inhibitions in telling anyone who had wanted to listen. Allegedly, Jaejoong had hugged each of Yoochun’s friends who had appeared at the party till he had thrown his arms around Yoochun himself, kissing his cheeks and hugging him to the point that Jaejoong’s nose had been buried in Yoochun’s neck. “Happy belated birsday, Yoochwen.”
How he had gone from that point to tonguing Junsu’s neck had been a story according to Yoochun, meaning he had no idea whether it was true or not.
“Junsuya, help me! Junsu, I need some help, damn it!”
“Yoochwen, your voice is so loud. Make it stop ringing in my head.”
“JUNSU! Move your big ass over here! Jaejoong-hyung is all drunk. OW, stop biting me, Hyung!”
“Make it stop ringing!”
“JUNSU! OW!”
“I’m right here. Okay, I’ll take over. That’s enough, Hyung.”
“Here, take his arms, they’re out of control.”
“I’ve got him.”
“Junshyu! Hi.”
“You sure you’ve got him? Lean against the wall, he’s heavy.”
“We’ve already said hi, Hyung - Don’t worry, I’ve got him.”
“Jyunshu, Jyunshyu, Junshyu! You smell so nice, much better than Yoochwen.”
“See! He keeps doing it; he keeps sniffing which is disturbing as hell!”
“It’s all right, he's probably just searching for familiar scents. Don't babies do that too?”
“Are you comparing him to a baby now?”
“’M not a baby!”
“Why don’t you go and enjoy your party, Yoochun?”
“Jyunshu, you have the best pheromones! I think I’m addicted.”
“Hyung, please stop thinking! Junsu, are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”
“Yeah, just go. It’s better than him sniffing all of your friends anyway.”
“What did you just say?”
“Do you taste like you smell, Junshyu?”
“Ah!”
“Well, that doesn’t look like sniffing anymore to me.”
“I think you taste better, Jyunshu! Mmh~”
“Shit~ I mean- hahaha!”
“Hahaha! Stop that, Hyung! That tickles! Yoochun, what do you mean with shit? What do you mean with shit?”
“N-Nothing.”
“Yoochun, help me! I think he’s falling.”
“I’m not taking him back. Uh-uh.”
“Om nom nom nom-”
“Uh, I can feel his saliva all over my throat! Hahaha- will you stop tonguing me, Hyung?!”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Yoochun, help me get him out of here. He needs to go home.”
“Yum yum yummy-”
“I can’t leave, this is my b-day party! What should I tell the others?”
“Then make the way free and get me his car-keys.”
“Tell us what?”
“Oh hey, Seok Cheon-hyung! Haha!”
“Hey Hyung.”
“Hey guys.”
“Jyunshuuuu, you have the nicest scent in the world.”
“Hehehe, thanks Hyung.”
“What’s wrong with Jaejoongie?”
“Hyung, it’s nothing important. Jaejoong-hyung is just a little bit drunk. We need to get him home.”
“I could drive him home! You guys can enjoy your party.”
“That’s really nice of you, Hyung!”
“It’s okay, Hyung. I will drive him home.”
“Are you sure, Junsu? Do you think you can carry him?”
“Yes. Yoochun, can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Are you completely out of your mind?”
“Why now?”
“Have you forgotten who he is? That’s Hong Seok Cheon.”
“No shit. So?”
“He’s gay!”
“So?”
“Are you mad? You just offered him the golden opportunity to have a go at Jaejoongie-hyung!”
“Who’s having a go at me, Jyunshu?”
“He’s not like that. And what are you- the saviour of Hyung’s virtue? Please, he’s not a virgin.”
“He’s not gay, either.”
“How do you know that?”
“Just… just shut up and get the keys, and don’t forget his jacket.”
“Jyunshu, I’ve got to tell you something…”
“All right, I’ll get them. You make him stop babbling.”
“I don’t know how!”
“Jyunshu, is’s important~”
“Oh fuck- not now!”
“Hyung, can’t that wait?”
“Yes, Hyung, I’m sure that can wait!”
“Yoochun, what are you waiting for?”
“I’mtryingtopreventacatastrophe-”
“What did you say? Yoochunah, damn it! What do you know that I don’t?”
“Nothing. I’m off, you close his mouth.”
“I luv you, Junshu.”
“Oh shit!”
“Hahaha. I love you, too, Hyung. You’re pretty cute when you’re drunk.”
“Wait- you do? I mean, hehehe, of course you do! I love you, too, Hyung! And I love Junsu, and Junsu loves me, and we’re all a happy JYJ family!”
“Yoochunah! Will you get the keys or not? What the hell is wrong with you today?”
“Nooo, you don’t underssand, Junshu. I luv, luv, luv you! Different from Yoochwen.”
“What? Hahaha. I’m sure you don’t mean that.”
“I’ll get the keys!”
“About time.”
“I do!”
“Everybody move! Make some room, drunken ballast is on the way!”
“Ouch! Hyung, stop biting me!”
“But you’re not lissening. God! Why do you taste so good? Is that baby-powder?”
“Yoochun, hurry up! Uh, I think he’s kissing me now. My neck feels all sticky.”
“Keys, keys, keys! Junsuya, I have his jacket but I can’t find the fucking keys, damnit!”
“Junshyu… Junshyu… Junshyu!”
“What, Hyung?”
“Keys are in my pocket.”
So Junsu had driven him home in the end but for what it’s worth, he couldn’t remember it. He could remember the next day; the membership week, the fan-meeting, and another talk.
“You are fucking with me, Yoochun.”
“I’m not!”
“You are clearly fucking with me! See, I can remember some parts, like licking Junsu’s neck, and the taste of him-”
“That knows the whole world by now. Don’t you think that was too much information, Hyung?”
“-but it surely didn’t take place like that!”
“It surely did! Fine, don’t listen to me, Hyung. Why don’t you ask Junsu himself?”
“You know I can’t do that. So if I believed you, I’m not saying that I do, you basically tipped Junsu off with your weird behaviour!”
“I did not. It was you who told him that you loved him face-to-face, and he found the whole thing uproariously funny anyway. I don’t get why you are mad at me!”
“But you told him that I might be gay! No wonder he’s been acting awkward around me lately!”
“Hyung, he’s not awkward. You’re missing the point where he was over-protective of you. You two really need to talk about what happened.”
“What do you mean by that suddenly? Yoochunah, you would tell me if you knew something that I don’t, right?”
“Why do you two keep saying that? You’re putting me at the frontier which is stressing me! I don’t want to hear any more of it! You guys need to talk.”
“Yoochunah…”
“No, Hyung. Confess to him, isn’t that what you wanted to do anyway?”
“Yes, and it all went wrong, you were there. You saw it!”
“Do it again, sober-minded this time, please. Then you can come to me again and tell me every detail about it.”
-
Part 2-->
pairing: Jaesu
rating: R
genre: melodrama
length: 9710 words, two shot
summary: Jaejoong has it bad for quite a few years and one day he decides that he's had enough. He has a plan... but it all goes so spectacularly wrong.
a/n: Since it's Jae's real birthday today, here's the first part! Happy (belated) Junsu&Jaejoong birthday!
J[a]e·lous·y
/ˈdʒeləsi/
- an unhappy feeling because someone has something that Jaejoong would like or can do something that Jaejoong would like to do
- a feeling of being unhappy and upset because Jaejoong thinks someone who he loves is attracted to someone else
e.g. a) Jaelousy can ruin relationships, b) sexual jaelousy
Jaejoong had it bad. He was irrevocably in love with Junsu and this was the truest feeling he had. He couldn’t exactly remember when it happened. No, actually, he could but thinking about the time made him only feel more pitiful.
-
It had all started that painful autumn in 2006. Yoochun and he had fought and at a gathering in a restaurant Yoochun had decided to make a scene by not talking to him when Jaejoong had approached him to - he had roughly turned his shoulder away from Jaejoong’s arm, for everybody to see. The reason was stupid, really, so stupid he hadn’t bothered to memorise it. At that time he had mentally been exhausted because his fight with Yoochun had clashed with other draining matters. His biological father had filed for a lawsuit and taken his family affairs to court a week prior to that incident, hence the public had gotten wind of his parents not being his real parents which had set them into a state of shock. Though they were real to him in every sense of the word, but not that the press and public had bothered to ask for his opinion. Not until he had felt obligated to give a statement anyway, for the sake of all the hurt family members. However, before he had decided to give a public statement, groups of his fans had united to give his biological father a shit-storm by accusing him he had only been after Jaejoong’s money, now that he was famous and successful as a singer. In spite of everything, Jaejoong had been the one to get the back-lash of this storm. So, all the bad Karma, his and Yoochun’s fight, his father’s lawsuit, the press not letting him live in peace, and the public’s wrath, had flooded and rolled over him at once that autumn. Only as he had reached his limit of tolerance in that restaurant, had it hit him emotionally though.
He could still clearly remember Yoochun giving him the cold shoulder. Then it was a blur of devastation, hurt, angst, the lack of breath, a shiver running down his whole body, and finally panic.
If it hadn’t been for a hand suddenly stroking his then long blond strands of hair over his scalp, he would have collapsed right there in front of everyone, despite what the public would have thought of him. But that one hand had made it possible to relax eventually.
The first thing he had heard had been Junsu’s voice asking him softly, just a breath away, what had been wrong, and it had made him confess all of his sorrows immediately.
It was a petty reason to like someone, but as he had listened to Junsu’s comforts, it had somehow happened. He had started to notice Junsu, his greater nice side always bubbling beneath the surface to come into sight when needed; his so very gentle heart. He had noticed his voice becoming only so soft-spoken when Junsu had talked to him, moreover the way he had said Hyung; without the usual teasing, jibe or haughtiness behind it, just pure, servile niceness, as if he was willing to do anything to make Jaejoong happy. And what Junsu had said, while ever speaking the truth, had been helpful and sweet. For example, “Hyung is so lucky; you not only have one but two pairs of parents that love you. You must have saved a country in your past life!” He didn’t know why but it was the nicest thing someone could have and had said to him in that situation, it had changed his whole view upon the matter.
He else had noticed that warm, warm hand had never stopped caressing him while he had spoken, and when Jaejoong had felt he wouldn’t cry and could look up from the floor, he had noticed the chubby face with the creaseless, almond eyes and knobby nose had been so uncharacteristically wise and grown up already, and those lips, goodness, had they always looked so cherry-red?
-
All in all, that was about how and when he had started to feel fonder of Junsu, and now, almost seven years later, Jaejoong had it bad. He couldn’t eat, he couldn’t drink, he couldn’t sleep, and he couldn’t breathe without thinking about Junsu. Junsu haunted him the moment he woke up, to the moment right before he went to sleep, and even slipped into his world of dreams on a regular basis, leaving him panting and desperate when he woke up every following day.
The worst part for Jaejoong, that made living a right hell, was that Junsu didn’t feel the same, never had done so and never will be. Jaejoong was convinced of it.
-
For example, that year when Jaejoong had had his epiphany, Junsu had already been in a relationship. It had been Junsu’s first girlfriend, he remembered it undoubtedly, and the bad part was that Junsu had loved her dearly. He had seen it in the way his eyes had shone every time he had talked to her on the phone, or the few times he had come back from a date and his whole face had been glowing, sometimes with visibly bruised lips that had made Jaejoong deliriously jealous. This had been a first. Junsu hadn’t met her more than three times in a hundred days of course, not with them being at the height of promoting their third group album and having the countless flights between Japan and back for other demanding schedules they had to go through. So, when Junsu had made the rare free time to meet her, it had always been a special event, despite the fact that the place they had met at had been the parking lot to the building they had lived at as a group of five. For Jaejoong this had been torture, thinking about all the possibilities that might have taken place just a short distance away.
Are they meeting at 4D?
No, they’re probably meeting at 6B, we always park the group-van at 6B, he had reasoned with himself.
Goodness, they’re probably snogging by now! Dear God, if you exist, don’t let them go further than snogging…
The moment he had thought about that had been the time Jaejoong had given his frustrations free reign by doing a hundred push-ups, when that hadn’t been enough, he had done a hundred sit-ups, and because that had also never been enough, he had started lifting dumbbells. When he had felt the dumbbells hadn’t been heavy enough anymore, he had started lifting heavier objects he could find in his surroundings, such as vases, chairs, the boxes of Kimchi from their freezer, Yunho’s five litres bottle filled to the brim with 500 Won coins, and Yoochun’s keyboard. By that time Changmin had usually found amusement in his doings and watched him or even participated in doing in-door gym. So he had started to lift Changmin always as his last station who had giggled every time before he lifted him in turn and he had laughed in response at which point his adrenaline-rush had slowly died down and the world had righted itself again.
That is, right to the moment Junsu had come home crying one day.
Yunho and Yoochun, who had usually used these free occasions for dates with their girlfriends, as well, hadn’t been at home. Changmin and he had been left to put the broken pieces of Junsu back together.
Changmin, who had avoided male-to-male contact and comfort on principal, and who wouldn’t have allowed Jaejoong to touch him if Jaejoong hadn’t spent the last two years to break through his outer shields, had gone to make some tea in the kitchen. Jaejoong had been the one to give Junsu the shoulder to cry on when Junsu had told him he had broken up with his first girlfriend.
Jaejoong had never before seen Junsu cry like that, and he had been torn between feeling heart-broken in pity and making a jump of joy in relief that Junsu had been freed of that relationship. Jaejoong had never felt so ashamed of himself either.
God, I’m the most terrible Hyung. I’m so sorry… I take everything back I ever said about his girlfriend or relationship. How can I be happy when Junsu is sad?
With that thought he had tried to remember how comforting Junsu’s hands had felt in his hair or around his torso when he had been in pain. So, he had returned the favour; caressed Junsu's hair in comfort and hugged him close to his body. When Junsu had hugged him as tightly and desperately back, he had tried not to feel any joy of it, tried to tame his beating heart.
This isn’t the right time to make a confession.
This hadn't been a time to be selfish, but selfless, and with that attitude Jaejoong had suppressed his own feelings for the while. He had concentrated on playing the Hyung that Junsu had needed more than anyone or anything else.
"I loved her, Hyung."
"Shh, I know."
"I really loved her, she was my first love."
"I know."
"But I broke up with her."
"It's okay."
"I had to. I had never time for her."
"Shush now, it's okay. You had your reasons."
"But I loved her." Junsu had repeated.
"Um... I made tea." Changmin had announced.
"Good, bring it here with two tissues,” he had said.
Then he had smiled at Changmin and whispered something into Junsu's ear at which point Junsu had said, "thank you, Changmin. I love you two."
Jaejoong had smiled again, but bitter-sweetly. "We love you also," he had said with all his heart.
"You wouldn't leave me, too, right?"
Jaejoong had hugged him tighter, trying to squeeze the insecurity away.
How can you demand that of me? One day you’re going to have your own house, and marry, and have pretty little babies with your creaseless almond eyes, and you will have forgotten about me… How can you demand such a cruel thing? Do you expect me to stand by and endure all that?
"Never," he had whispered against all logic, the word even over-flooded with sincerity that he would uphold no matter how many girlfriends of Junsu he had yet to see come, go, and endure.
"Promise?" Junsu had asked, holding out his pinkie finger. If Junsu demanded it like that, he would endure it all.
"Of course I promise," Jaejoong had said determinedly and tied his own pinkie around Junsu's before turning his thumb to face and kiss Junsu's.
When Changmin had said, "you guys are so childish," they had broken out laughing and gone had been the serious atmosphere.
On one hand he had wished that he had been the one to make Junsu laugh and blush like that, on another he had been utterly grateful to Changmin in that moment.
"Ya, we're still your Hyungs!" Junsu had said.
"No need to get informal with us, you prat!" Jaejoong had said.
He had loved those little moments when Junsu and he together had ganged up on Changmin. He couldn't have done this with anyone else because Yunho and Yoochun always would have picked Changmin's side with the reasoning that he had been the baby of the group. With Junsu it had been different since he had been so young, too and he had understood how Changmin ticked the best.
“All right, all right! Here is the tea and here are the tissues, cry-babies-”
“Do I have to listen to this kiddo when I’m upset, Hyung?” Junsu had asked Jaejoong.
“No, you don’t. Changmin, shut up.”
“I was going to say Hyungs!” he had jokingly said and put the tea-tray first down before holding out two tissues.
“Of course you were,” Jaejoong had said and taken the offered tissues with the intention to pass them on to Junsu when Changmin’s words had belatedly hit him, cry-babies. In shock he had realised he had really been crying with Junsu. He had kept one tissue to himself.
-
Three years later Jaejoong had been reminded of his promise to Junsu. He had seen another relationship of Junsu come and go the previous year whereas he had been the single and mourning but constant presence in Junsu’s life that the latter could return to for comfort.
Nonetheless, this year had been a turning point for all of them; the tension between their company and them had been palpable in the air. They had been fed up with being mistreated, being pushed around like marionettes, being exhausted to the bones and yet never having enough time to sleep, not being paid their share for the inhuman work they had been put through, and not being allowed to make their own investments, miserable attempts at making their own money. They had been sick of being exploited like slaves, but with the perspective of no improvement for another 8 years, 10 if the two years of military service had been included, they had been cornered with only one option left.
"Hyung, have you heard what they did to Yoochun?" Junsu had asked him one day.
"Yes, he couldn't stop crying while he told me.” Jaejoong’s fists had tensed in concealed rage. “Those damn bastards, what else have they said?"
"That we aren't allowed to invest either, they said they're going to stop us. They said there's no payment for the fourth album either."
"Are they even allowed to do that?"
Junsu had shrugged with his shoulders and clicked with his tongue. "Yoochun and I have discussed it; I told him that we should get a lawyer’s counsel. We’re going to tell our parents. You’re with us, aren’t you, Hyung?"
There had it been again, that softly spoken Hyung. Jaejoong hadn’t pondered for long. "Of course I am. It's not only about the investments, not only about the money."
"I don’t think the company realises how serious we are, they still treat us like kids and act as if we didn’t pull a great feat when in fact, we haven’t been any more successful or any higher in popularity than this. If they don’t listen to us at our height, they are never going to. Hyung, is it too much when people ask for what they deserve?"
This coming out of the mouth of the most humble person that he’d known had meant how serious an issue this had been. After all, Junsu had been the one who had known the company the best. "No. And how do you feel?" He had asked Junsu.
Junsu had tiredly smiled at him and sighed. "I've had enough."
This had been all the resolution that Jaejoong had needed. He had taken one of Junsu's veiny hands in his and squeezed it. "We're going to sue their fucking asses."
"Hyung," had Junsu said as he had squeezed back, "if it comes down to it, to leave the group, Changmin and Yunho-Hyung behind, would you do it?"
"They should know that we're leaving that company behind, not them, Junsu. But if it comes down to it..."
"Hyung, you promised..." Junsu had whispered ever so softly while staring at him, “how am I supposed to be strong for Yoochun… and myself, without your backup? Hyung, I need your presence… I can’t do this without you.” Then he had started crying, a thing he hadn’t done in front of Jaejoong since his last breakup.
"I'll go wherever you go," Jaejoong had said, looking down at their clasped hands and feeling light around the heart. "I promised," he had repeated as warmth had spread in his face.
Junsu had smiled at him with thick tears rolling down his cheeks, his body sagging against the couch they had been sitting on, obviously relieved.
Jaejoong hadn’t believed this one promise had meant so much to Junsu. After he had found out, he had been happy and he could have burst with the joy, but otherwise he had been endlessly sad that this still hadn’t meant that Junsu had loved him like he had wanted to be loved.
"Hyung, are you okay?" Junsu had asked him from up-close as he had wiped at Jaejoong's cheeks. He had been crying with Junsu without noticing, again. He had shaken his head.
"It's your fault. Stop crying," he had said and taken Junsu's head between his hands, wiping at Junsu's wet cheeks with his thumbs. "Heart hurts when I see you cry," he had mumbled. Junsu had laughed the matter of, as if Jaejoong hadn’t just revealed his truest feeling.
-
4 Years later he realised simply nothing had changed his truest feeling. It was not that he hadn't tried; he was just at his wit's end.
-
After 2010 he had dated a lot, for the first time in 7 years. What had triggered the change of mind? Junsu's third girlfriend, of course. He had had a few week-long relationships and a handful of thrown-in blind-dates with smart, unique, funny, nice, amazingly pretty, and or sexy women. That one time he had even met with the lady idol-killer they had used to call the "black-widow". He had unknowingly gotten charmed by his friend's ex who had been named after the deadly spider that first seduced its male partners, coupled with them, and then devoured them alive. She had fit the name precisely, and Jaejoong had dropped her the moment he had gotten wind of her true identity. He had had sex with some of the ladies when his sexual frustration had been at its peak, but no matter how spectacular, there had been no emotional attachment.
On the whole, he would just search for and compare with characteristics of solely one and at the end of the day; there would be no match so nothing would change his feelings for that one person. It only got worse every time he came out of a relationship lonelier than before, and Junsu made it more difficult by even comforting him after every break-up or failed date. Simply no woman could drive out his desire for this man, no matter how feminine and attractive her charms were, this wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a man, not any man, just Junsu. His heart was doomed to wither.
Sometimes he would think it was entirely his own fault, why fall for another man, and that a team-member out of all the people? He was told it was abnormal to like another man but whatsoever, he didn’t give a shit. Even if team-members were not there to fall for but to work with, he hadn’t cared about Junsu being male then when it had happened, and he wasn’t going to start caring after all these years.
Thinking that maybe another guy could drive Junsu out of his system, Jaejoong also visited a gay-bar. Yet, following several failed and embarrassing attempts of fellatio on his person he was left blue, hard, very much frustrated, and he swore he would never again let a stranger anywhere close to his genitals. The only comfort he got out of this night was the certainty that for him it should definitely be a guy. The feeling of another man's crotch against his was nice in the beginning, the hard pressure of an erect penis against his fingers when he gave the stranger a pity-handjob later was also nice, it felt right. He wanted to excite like that, he felt confident to arouse his counter-part like that because he knew what he was doing and how to do it naturally. The first time may have been sloppy but the guy in the bar moaned his appreciation into Jaejoong's shoulder and shuddered with his whole body before he came with his load over Jaejoong's hand. Jaejoong left him in his post-coital bliss before he noticed Jaejoong still had to be brought over the edge. Jaejoong took care of that himself in the security of his home’s bathroom with the shortest wank he ever had.
Afterwards he hated himself a little more. He felt miserable and guilty, as if he had betrayed Junsu - or his feelings to him at least. It had to be Junsu; his heart wouldn't accept anybody else. He wished the stranger had been Junsu. He cried himself to sleep.
-
It wouldn't be so severe if Junsu were just a friend like Yoochun, a category like respected brothers that he wouldn't even think of having these kinds of feelings for. The problem was, even though he was Junsu’s beloved Hyung, Junsu wasn't his friend. Junsu was his workmate, and when they spent time after work together, Jaejoong wouldn't think of it as outings, friends or family time but secretly as dates. He liked every aspect of Junsu in every second of these ‘dates’, every secret they shared, every observation he made about the other that no one else did, and every picture he took without the other's knowledge. Since he wanted to stay true to his feelings, he used many of these pictures as samples for his wanking fantasies. Nevertheless, short-timed release only brought him that far and was no solution to his permanent ache.
That's why he had to do something about Junsu. After years of loneliness, suppressed jealousy and his very nearly withered heart, he finally accepted that he had enough, he decided to confess - and it had nothing to do with Junsu breaking up with his fourth girlfriend in the latest summer of 2012. Now it was 2013 and Jaejoong was certain a confession was his last chance at peace of mind. Just once he wanted to have a full night’s rest without the thought of Junsu keeping him awake till the late morning hours. He didn’t want to be that miserable anymore.
As soon as he re-experienced how nerve-wrecking confessions in whatever way were, Jaejoong almost wanted to make a U-turn and accept the sleepless nights. The nervousness that gripped him when he was around Junsu virtually killed him at times. At other times he suspected and feared that Junsu knew exactly what he felt, ignored it completely and didn't respond or react to him on purpose. Alternatively, he would think Junsu was just that clueless. He didn't know what was worse. Junsu's presence was maddening enough but being apart from him was so much more painful. Jaejoong was doomed this way or that. The best he could do was hoping for a positive outcome but he didn't dare to, what with the disappointment being greater later, if it went bad.
Jaejoong thought he'd start confessing in natural surroundings, no special event to not shock Junsu for life, but he would get it over with once and for all, no more small hints that Junsu wouldn't get anyway or could misinterpret. He imagined it as an 'I love you' slipped during a video game in Junsu's or his own living room, or during a drive through the night-air that Junsu was so fond of. Bad idea, he would then think, he would never drive with me after that. He could let it slip during a casual goodbye-hug after work, or the annual birthday-hug. Already tried that, Jaejoong remembered, it didn't work. Even though Junsu had cutely complained about the goose-bumps he had gotten because Jaejoong’s ‘I love you’ had been whispered into his neck. Finding out one of Junsu’s sensitive spots was considered a small success. He could write the words in secret places in Junsu's house, waiting for him to discover his little notes, but he wouldn't be sure when the notes would be discovered. Too risky. He could write it as an electronic message and sent it to him, but he had already done it via Kakao talk and twitter so many times that the words had lost their weight and wouldn't be taken seriously the way he wanted them to. He could try to confess to Junsu at one of their trips to the beach, like not saying the words but drawing his name in the sand with hearts and trying to kiss him directly, but then he would think of Mahalo and he remembered he had already tried that, too, in front of the camera no less. The memory of Junsu’s face turning away in the last second broke him apart, even though he had laughed together with Junsu at that time. The cornfield-almost-kiss also came to mind; Junsu had lain under him - a perfect opportunity - but despite the grin on Junsu’s face, he had squinted his eyes so hard that Jaejoong hadn’t dared to go in for the kill, too pained by the expression. He cursed his actions, damning them for they seemed to be kidding to Junsu.
He wasn't even allowed to drunk-confess, no, he had even tried that, and ended up tonguing Junsu's neck and singing praises of his pheromones and scent even hours later, to the press above all. Junsu, of course, had shoved the reaction off to his drunken state and hadn’t taken it seriously; he had found it uproariously funny. Goodness, had Jaejoong been embarrassed later on!
He swore he wouldn't drink till he got it over with the confession. Drunken states were no joke, particularly the head-aches after...
No, he had to make it clear this time by saying the three words and meaning them, without breaking out into a smile, he had to stay serious.
So, what options was he left with? He could always invite Junsu to his new apartment since he hadn't seen it yet. For the last house-party Junsu had no time since he was busy with his second album preparations, so he could use this excuse to invite him alone.
Giving himself a confidence boost, he went to grab his cell-phone. He would call Junsu over, he could do this, he just had to sound casual. With shaking fingers he dialled Junsu's number, the first one on speed dial.
Instead of a ringtone he could hear their song In Heaven playing and that right at the part where he himself was singing. His heart was doing a back-flip in his chest.
♫ Those words; I can’t say them, I really can’t - as long as you are beside me ♫
Oh, the irony of it all, thought Jaejoong. Well yes, Jaejoong wrote the lyrics to the song after all, and there was no surprise about who he had in mind at this part.
Junsu was singing next, his natural hoarse voice being better than any liquid aphrodisiac. Jaejoong’s hands became sweaty.
♫ Waiting a little longer, walking in a dream, I come to the end that your inner eye must be closed ♫
Daaaaamn right, something in Junsu was ab-so-lute-ly too blind to see.
The refrain started but he didn’t pay attention to the lyrics anymore because he could hear his own pulse ringing in his ears.
When even that part supposedly finished, he started doubting whether Junsu was too busy taking his call. It probably rang already five times on Junsu’s end.
He was disappointed, he should hang up.
"Hello?" He heard as he was just about to press the disconnecting button.
His heart skipped a beat, he rapidly put the phone back to his ear. "Jaejoongie-Hyung?"
Oh God, Hyung! This word is the bane of my life!
"Oh Junsuya," he said, "what are you doing? Why weren't you answering the phone?"
"Hey! Hyung, I'm practicing for my next musical performance right now."
"Oh, Elisabeth?"
"Yes."
"Ah, when is your next performance?"
"Wednesday and Thursday, Hyung, do you want to come and watch? It will be difficult but I could reserve a seat for you."
To watch you kissing a woman AND another guy right in front of me? No, thanks. "Uh, I'll see if I have time and can make it."
"Okay, can I call you later, Hyung?"
"Yeah, babye." He hung up first, he always did. It was better than waiting for Junsu’s last hiss of voice to die out.
Great, he had about a couple of hours to make sure whether he had dates that could interfere with Junsu’s performances. So far he had been able to avoid watching Elisabeth, the whole first season of it and now the second. He would even make a schedule up if he had to.
-
To put it mildly, the last times Jaejoong had seen Junsu kissing someone hadn’t ended that well. The first of those times may have been through his computer screen but it hadn’t been any less shocking. He had stumbled upon a fan video of Junsu’s performance as Mozart, not that he had intentionally been searching for the particular kiss-scene. But to be honest, he had been curious; he had wanted to see what it had looked like when Junsu attached his lips to another person. Junsu had never kissed one of his girlfriends in front of the members; he was a very private person when it came to his relationships. Only his bruised lips had ever betrayed his actions, that and that stupid glow on his face. After a lot of mulling over and nail-chewing, Jaejoong had watched the scene, and oh, had he regretted it.
Jaejoong had been so jealous that one second his eyes had narrowed and his body had stiffened, and the next he had shot up from his chair and flipped it completely over. That innocent woman in the musical, that cute Nuna-actress had probably never harmed a fly in her life - he had been so jealous he had cursed her seven ways to hell. Thanks to his jealousy, and because he was such a masochist, Jaejoong had replayed the video the whole night till every image had been burned into his retinas and every millisecond had been memorized, while he was standing. He had noticed that Junsu had pouted into the kiss, his lips appearing redder than ever, he had analysed every crease those lips had created at contact, and he had noticed that Junsu had initiated the kiss, the actress passively accepting it. He had also observed the lack of tongue, which he had been grateful for if it hadn’t been for one last thing. He had seen a shared glow on Junsu’s and the actress’s face, as if some sparks had been exchanged, as if Jaejoong had just witnessed the moment of them falling in love.
It had been very late when Jaejoong had finally turned off his computer. Tired and dolefully he had made his way to his bed, with his thoughts elsewhere he had completely forgotten about the flipped chair. He had tripped over it, landing face-front on the floor. Lying there in the dark with a bruised forehead, pretending a more wretched person than him hadn’t existed on earth, he had wished he hadn’t foreseen a future relationship of Junsu but rather two very good actors at work. His wish hadn’t come true though, a year later she had become Junsu’s fourth girlfriend.
While a week later, this incident had still trailed after him and brought him more misfortune. After all the years of successful secrecy, Yoochun had become suspicious. It had been his own fault, Yoochun’s alarms had not ringed if it hadn’t been for his traitorous mouth running off, jealously addressing Junsu and unashamedly approaching him with the topic at work, while they had been filmed, as well. He had acted funnily and hyper as if it hadn’t bothered him deeply for the whole week.
“I saw your kiss-scene on the internet,” he had said. “You did it for real, didn’t you?”
“It was the first time,” Junsu had replied with a cautious smile.
“I mean, was it real?” he had asked, like he hadn’t known the answer.
“Yes.”
And because his masochistic nature had wanted another stab to the heart he had asked, “how was it?”
“How was what?” Junsu had coughed.
“How was the kiss?” he had insisted.
“Soft kind of feeling?”
Then they both had laughed loudly, Junsu out of embarrassment and Jaejoong to cover up that he had been burning inwardly.
Not five minutes later Yoochun had asked him to a changing cubicle. “Um, Jaejoong-Hyung, can I talk to you in private for a moment?”
With a foreboding feeling, like he had been caught in the act, he had followed the voice and left Junsu to be made up ready for a shoot. The second he had been inside the cubicle, Yoochun had drawn the curtain and cornered him against the wall before he had started whispering in accusing tones. “How did you really injure your forehead, Hyung?”
“I already said that I ran into a door.”
“Bullshit. You’re lying.”
“I’m not!”
“You keep wrinkling your nose the millisecond just before you lie.”
“I-I do not!”
“Does it have something to do with Junsu?”
“No.” He had tried to control his facial features at this point.
“Liar. You did it again, Hyung.”
Damn, he had inwardly cursed. Yoochun could and had read him better than anyone else, this had been a dangerous meeting. He had had to escape.
“And what’s this sudden interest in Junsu’s kissing scene?”
“Nothing, I was just happy for him.”
“Another lie. How was the kiss?” Yoochun had imitated his voice, “really, Hyung?”
Jaejoong had blushed, a thing he had rarely done in front of Yoochun. “What? Don’t act like you didn’t want to know about it!”
“I wouldn’t have gone into details! Why didn’t you just ask him how much spit he exchanged while you were at it, Hyung?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he had laughed.
“Hyung, does Junsu’s kissing bother you or something?” Yoochun had asked in a more serious tone.
“This meeting is over.” Jaejoong had shoved Yoochun aside and almost left the cubicle when he had frozen for a second.
“Oh, my God, it does!”
He had walked on without turning back.
Ten minutes later Yoochun had developed a devilish plan to find out the truth. While Jaejoong had been getting his make-up done, he had made Junsu wrestle with him over a phone to read some insider text messages, and that right behind Jaejoong so he had mirrored sight on every action. This had been the first and last time Jaejoong had ever been jealous of Yoochun. So much body-contact, Jaejoong had kept thinking, watching them with narrowed eyes. Why so much body-contact? If Junsu got any closer he would sit in Yoochun’s lap.
When Jaejoong had heard his own name being mentioned, his fibre of tension had been ripped and he had burst with a bout of temper. “Why do you talk about me behind my back?”
They had just laughed in response which had made him only more furious.
Hours after they had finished the photo-shoot, Jaejoong had still been mumbling grumpily, “insider jokes my ass. Keep laughing without me. Keep laughing about me.”
At one point Yoochun had heard it and broadly grinned at him. “Are you still mad about that, Hyung? There’s no need to be jealous.”
“I’m not jealous!”
“We weren’t laughing about you the whole time. I can’t believe how jealous you are right now, Hyung.”
“I said I’m not!”
“All I showed him were the text messages between me and my girlfriend. He was happy for me, why should you be jealous over that, Hyung?”
“I said- oh.”
“Oh, my God! See, you were jealous! But why? It’s not like he’s been spending more time with me than with you, or he’s been closer to me than to you.”
“I know.” Jaejoong had sighed ashamedly.
“Hyung, you see, either we accept it or not, Junsu has grown out of his Magnae-role, as well, what with him taking up roles with kissing and bed scenes. I know it makes us uncomfortable since we can’t arrange that image of his with the young boy that we’ve used to know… but he’s a grown up man now.” Yoochun’s little reprimanding speech had been quite mature and Jaejoong had known that every time Yoochun had said “we” or “us” he had actually meant “you”. It had made him feel very childish and reconsider who the real Hyung had been. More than once he had thought that in reality Yoochun had been a very old soul trapped inside a young body.
“I know, you are right,” he had admitted in capitulation, glad that Yoochun had been oblivious to the real reason.
“I usually am. Unless your jealousy is due to something completely else which… nah-” Yoochun, that damn telepathic bastard, had shaken his head, then changed his mind and read Jaejoong’s face again. Terrified, Jaejoong had seen it dawn on Yoochun in that moment. A series of expletives had left Yoochun’s mouth, right before a series of: “Oh. My. God. Oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my fucking-” his jaw had dropped at this point; Jaejoong had closed it for him. “Oh, my God, no! No, no, no!”
“Will you shut up before Junsu comes by and hears you?”
“Hyung, please, if you tell me no I will believe you. Please, tell me I am wrong.” Yoochun had begged, not wanting to accept this reality.
Jaejoong had sighed. “No. You’re wrong.”
“Okay,” Yoochun had nodded, still in shock. “I believe you.” This time he hadn’t read Jaejoong’s face, he had not wanted to see whether Jaejoong had told him the truth or not.
“Good- and not one word to Junsu, understand?” He had threatened.
Yoochun hadn’t protested.
“Now tell me more about your girlfriend. Who is she anyway?”
“Do you know who my co-star in Miss Ripley is?” Yoochun had accepted the pitiable distraction.
“Lee Da Hae? No way!”
“Well…”
-
A month later Junsu had invited them both to watch his performance in the musical Tears of Heaven, and Jaejoong had had a big problem with that. He had called Yoochun to tell him so. It had been time for Yoochun to finally hear the truth out of his own mouth.
“Yoochun, I can’t go to watch that musical.”
“Hyung, you can’t cancel that just a night before! Besides, Junsu already knows that we have no schedule for tomorrow. That’s why he invited us both on our free day!”
“I don’t care, I can’t go.”
“But why?” Yoochun had half-screamed into his device. “I know for a fact that you aren’t sick, Hyung!”
“…”
“Hyung?”
“I can’t watch Junsu kissing another person.”
He had practically heard how Yoochun’s jaw had cracked open at that, he had been able to visualise it before his inner eye, too. This had been one of the perks of being Yoochun’s soul-mate.
“Shut up.”
“I didn’t even say a thing!”
“Your actions speak for themselves.”
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!”
“Not this again…”
“Oh, my fucking- I knew it! You know when I said I believed you? Well, I didn’t. Since when?”
“A few… years?”
“Oh, my God! Why didn’t you ever tell me? You could have told me! It’s me, Yoochun! Your soul-mate, hello?”
“I couldn’t!”
“I could have helped you! I know Junsu the best! No, wait- you know Junsu the best! Oh, my God, why does everything make a sense now?”
“Yoochunah…”
There had been a long pause before Yoochun had replied after that.
“Hyung, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, we need to talk.”
“Tomorrow though, you definitely need to come, Hyung. If not, Junsu would ask questions and he would definitely think ill of you.”
“I don’t want him to think like that. But Yoochunah… I can’t endure it much longer.” He had confessed sadly.
“Jaejoong-Hyung, you have to endure it! Just a little longer, we’ll talk after that! I’ll bring Yoohwan along if that helps you to be distracted. We’ll have a great day together, I promise. Drink tonight if it helps, but tomorrow you must come!”
“All right,” Jaejoong had agreed.
That’s how Yoochun had found out and how it had been settled then.
-
Jaejoong had taken Yoochun’s words to heart and had gotten pissed. He had drunk so much that he had not fallen asleep but more likely into a coma, and when he had woken up, still alcoholised, then only because the symphony of his multiple alarm-clocks on the left, right, and in the centre of his bedpost had started, cannonading right above his head. The terrible head-ache after hadn’t started yet when he had gotten himself ready in slow-motion to leave for the musical. Yoochun calling him several times while he had been on his way had meant he had already been too late. He hadn’t taken up the phone, the knock-knock-knocking in his brain telling him he hadn’t been ready yet for Yoochun’s preaching. He had wanted to go back to sleep, so very much that on the little footway from the car to the musical-theatre he had thrown himself on the floor more than once, put his hands under his head and had just closed his eyes without any inhibitions. He hadn’t felt any embarrassment when people had told him it hadn’t been allowed to lie on the floor. “Oh really?” he had said with a smile, “but I do that a lot.” To prove his words he had stood up, walked a few steps, and had thrown himself back on the floor. He had repeated that cycle right to the moment Yoochun and his brother had met him on the way, and if that had been a camera following his every step, he hadn’t cared at that point.
He had had mood-swings, too. His moods had been so big in their difference, that he had gone from his drowsy state to extremely hyper in mere seconds, pulling out his cell-phone and playing strong beats while dancing in front of Yoochun. That a flock of female staff had formed around them hadn’t disturbed him in the slightest. That had lasted until Yoochun had said loudly, “you drank last night, right?” Only then he had replied with a goofy smile and thrown his arms around Yoochun to hide from the observing eyes of the strangers. Vaguely had he remembered the meeting with Junsu himself, it had been an on his behalf embarrassed Yoohwan who had told him later that he had thrown himself on Junsu’s lap and had called him “Oppa” a moment before he had hugged him and slurred an “I love you” as his departing words.
“Oh fuck, I didn’t!” He had said.
“Oh yes, you did, Hyung. It’s all on camera,” had a rather calm Yoohwan said.
“Oh shit, it isn’t!”
“Oh yes, it is. Hyung, since when?”
“Since when what?”
“Since when are you in love with him?” Well, that had been how Yoohwan had found out.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake! Am I that obvious?”
“No. I’d say your ‘I love you’ was a dead give-away though.” Usually Jaejoong had really liked the quality in Yoohwan to be very empathetic and to understand the people around him better than anyone else. Usually. He hadn’t liked it in that moment.
“Fuck! Did Junsu also notice? What did Junsu say?”
“I don’t think so. He didn’t say anything; he knew you were drunk so he just laughed.”
“Are you sure? What did he do when I called him Oppa? Oh, God!”
He kind of… patted your hair, as he would do to his cats.”
“What? Really?” Jaejoong’s hand had shot up to his head to fondle his own hair, as if he had been able to feel the after-traces of Junsu’s fingers.
“Hyung, you are having that goofy smile on again, it’s creepy.”
Jaejoong had wiped it off self-consciously. “Sorry.”
“Are you still drunk, Hyung? Or are you fit enough to watch the show?”
“I’m getting there, it’s half-half.”
“Good, ‘cause it’s starting.”
Yoochun had come back with three cans of coke, taking his seat next to Jaejoong’s other side.
“Did I miss anything?”
“Yes. Yoohwan knows.” Jaejoong had whispered.
“He knows?” Yoochun had pointed to Yoohwan and grinned broadly. “Well, guess who’s back to the world of the conscious? You’re even blushing again, Hyung.”
“I’m not.” Jaejoong had palmed his face nonetheless. His cheeks had felt warmer than expected.
“Did he also tell you how you called Junsu ‘Oppa’? That was hilarious!”
“He did.”
“And the part where you-”
“Stop it, will you.”
“I should have filmed it with my cam- oh wait, it is on camera! Ha!”
“Shut up.” Jaejoong had wanted the ground to swallow him up.
“Hyung, the show is starting,” Yoohwan had said.
The curtains had been pulled aside just as they had become still while the fans had started to cheer around them.
Jaejoong had taken a deep breath. “Guys, can one of you hold my hand?” he had asked, scared about running away. Both Yoochun and Yoohwan had slipped a hand each into his and pinned him like this to his seat. He had squeezed them, thankful they hadn’t made fun about that. “Let the show begin.”
When they had reached the kissing scene Jaejoong had not closed his eyes, just like he hadn’t when he had watched the Mozart scene on his screen, he hadn’t been able to turn away. He had paid attention to every detail, and despite the fact that his jealousy had reached a boiling point, it had slowly faded away when he had told himself that the actress had been only Haeri-nuna, a long time friend of theirs, a girl Junsu hadn’t had any feeling for because he still had feelings for his Mozart co-star. So Jaejoong’s short-timed hatred for Haeri had ebbed away like this and just been transferred to the other actress. Oh, how much Jaejoong had hated her when he had thought about it.
But he hadn’t had much time to think about her, he had been in too much awe by Junsu’s performance, thunderstruck not only by his improved singing but also acting; a new talent that had been unravelled and blossomed before his eyes, which had made him love Junsu that much more. He had felt ashamed that he hadn’t wanted to come at first and that he hadn’t come earlier. How in the world had he missed this? He had been touched and he had been glad that he had come in the end, right there to the place where he should be. The seat had belonged to him.
After the show they had congratulated Junsu on his performance and when they had sent Junsu off to have his after-party with his co-stars, Jaejoong had gone to Yoochun’s place to have “the talk” with him. It had lasted for hours, it had been sad, and it had been relieving, they had caught up on bonding time and more booze had loosened their tongues. Yoochun had even apologised to him for not reading his soul-mate correctly. “It must have been hard on you to keep that a secret for so long, Hyung. It shouldn’t have been necessary for you to tell me, I should have seen it. I don’t know why I haven’t read the signs.”
“Is’s not your fault, mate.” Jaejoong had slurred. “I’ve luved him for so long that… the way I acted around Jyunshu or the way I treated him only seemed natural to you. You were used to it, and to be honest- I’m very, veeery, verrrry good at keeping secress.”
They had fallen into each other’s arms, hugged and cried, had comforted each other and talked on but Jaejoong hadn’t remembered much more of that night. The important thing had been Yoochun being in on it, sometimes teasing him about the Junsu-issue and sometimes supporting him. Sometimes they had allied to make fun of Junsu together so they had something to giggle about in secret and they had analysed Junsu together because Jaejoong had found Junsu’s every reaction adorable. Yoochun had teased him about that, too.
-
Jaejoong wished he could recall that emotion of being proud of Junsu’s outstanding performance rather than the feeling of his own outstanding jealousy every time Junsu had a new musical. Jaejoong had recalled it only once during Mozart’s second run in the summer of 2011 and it had faded away instantly because he hadn’t liked how Junsu had treated that female co-star at all. Jung Sunah, it had been that summer that she had become Junsu’s fourth girlfriend, and their relationship had lasted for a year. Jaejoong hadn’t recalled the proud emotion after that though, that had been why he hadn’t gone to watch Elisabeth either- and he didn’t recall it now which meant he wasn’t going to go now. It was also because the Elisabeth actresses reminded Jaejoong more of the Mozart actress than the familiar Nuna from Tears of Heaven. It was as though he could sense whether Junsu was sexually attracted to his female counterparts or not. If Junsu weren’t, he would go gladly, and if Junsu were, then he would stay home. Elisabeth was more of a stay-home case. He wasn’t even going to think about the male actors that Junsu kissed, however briefly those kisses were. Jaejoong’s bigger part of hatred was aimed at Ock Juhyun, a dangerous Nuna. He not only cursed her seven but nine ways to hell.
-
Ever since the drunk-confession from two months ago Junsu was a little awkward with him. He hadn’t believed it at first but it had been Yoochun who had indirectly confirmed his suspicion. Jaejoong didn’t understand how it had all gone so spectacularly wrong. He had planned that confession for months. He had made Yoochun postpone his birthday party for this confession just so Junsu had had time to attend it. It had been the night before their second JYJ Membership Week, and he had been able to lure Junsu into a club, a place Junsu avoided like the plague, but he had come for Yoochun’s sake. His plan had been to loosen Junsu up with some drinks, make him move to the dance floor, dance up on him when nobody paid attention, get him aroused, and when the party ended, confess to him while driving him home. Reality had been the complete opposite. The music had been anything else but relaxing, the beat of it in a race with the beat of his heart. It had made him tremendously nervous. The lightings had been anything but supporting in his search for Junsu’s silhouette, and when he had spotted him an hour too late, Junsu had been danced up on by one of Yoochun’s friends. He had appeared at Jaejoong’s side much later; Jaejoong had already lost his nerves and had gone to the bar to have a drink. One drink had become two, two had become three and so on, and when he had become truly alcoholised, his sexual frustration and jealousy at the sight of Junsu’s shaking hips had died down. At one time Junsu had patted his arm away from his next drink, telling him he had had enough for the night. Normally, Jaejoong hadn’t become drunk by the amount of drinks he had had, but that night he had become very tipsy. So much that he had reached his touchy-feely state. It had been a state of legendary stories which Yoochun had no inhibitions in telling anyone who had wanted to listen. Allegedly, Jaejoong had hugged each of Yoochun’s friends who had appeared at the party till he had thrown his arms around Yoochun himself, kissing his cheeks and hugging him to the point that Jaejoong’s nose had been buried in Yoochun’s neck. “Happy belated birsday, Yoochwen.”
How he had gone from that point to tonguing Junsu’s neck had been a story according to Yoochun, meaning he had no idea whether it was true or not.
“Junsuya, help me! Junsu, I need some help, damn it!”
“Yoochwen, your voice is so loud. Make it stop ringing in my head.”
“JUNSU! Move your big ass over here! Jaejoong-hyung is all drunk. OW, stop biting me, Hyung!”
“Make it stop ringing!”
“JUNSU! OW!”
“I’m right here. Okay, I’ll take over. That’s enough, Hyung.”
“Here, take his arms, they’re out of control.”
“I’ve got him.”
“Junshyu! Hi.”
“You sure you’ve got him? Lean against the wall, he’s heavy.”
“We’ve already said hi, Hyung - Don’t worry, I’ve got him.”
“Jyunshu, Jyunshyu, Junshyu! You smell so nice, much better than Yoochwen.”
“See! He keeps doing it; he keeps sniffing which is disturbing as hell!”
“It’s all right, he's probably just searching for familiar scents. Don't babies do that too?”
“Are you comparing him to a baby now?”
“’M not a baby!”
“Why don’t you go and enjoy your party, Yoochun?”
“Jyunshu, you have the best pheromones! I think I’m addicted.”
“Hyung, please stop thinking! Junsu, are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”
“Yeah, just go. It’s better than him sniffing all of your friends anyway.”
“What did you just say?”
“Do you taste like you smell, Junshyu?”
“Ah!”
“Well, that doesn’t look like sniffing anymore to me.”
“I think you taste better, Jyunshu! Mmh~”
“Shit~ I mean- hahaha!”
“Hahaha! Stop that, Hyung! That tickles! Yoochun, what do you mean with shit? What do you mean with shit?”
“N-Nothing.”
“Yoochun, help me! I think he’s falling.”
“I’m not taking him back. Uh-uh.”
“Om nom nom nom-”
“Uh, I can feel his saliva all over my throat! Hahaha- will you stop tonguing me, Hyung?!”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Yoochun, help me get him out of here. He needs to go home.”
“Yum yum yummy-”
“I can’t leave, this is my b-day party! What should I tell the others?”
“Then make the way free and get me his car-keys.”
“Tell us what?”
“Oh hey, Seok Cheon-hyung! Haha!”
“Hey Hyung.”
“Hey guys.”
“Jyunshuuuu, you have the nicest scent in the world.”
“Hehehe, thanks Hyung.”
“What’s wrong with Jaejoongie?”
“Hyung, it’s nothing important. Jaejoong-hyung is just a little bit drunk. We need to get him home.”
“I could drive him home! You guys can enjoy your party.”
“That’s really nice of you, Hyung!”
“It’s okay, Hyung. I will drive him home.”
“Are you sure, Junsu? Do you think you can carry him?”
“Yes. Yoochun, can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Are you completely out of your mind?”
“Why now?”
“Have you forgotten who he is? That’s Hong Seok Cheon.”
“No shit. So?”
“He’s gay!”
“So?”
“Are you mad? You just offered him the golden opportunity to have a go at Jaejoongie-hyung!”
“Who’s having a go at me, Jyunshu?”
“He’s not like that. And what are you- the saviour of Hyung’s virtue? Please, he’s not a virgin.”
“He’s not gay, either.”
“How do you know that?”
“Just… just shut up and get the keys, and don’t forget his jacket.”
“Jyunshu, I’ve got to tell you something…”
“All right, I’ll get them. You make him stop babbling.”
“I don’t know how!”
“Jyunshu, is’s important~”
“Oh fuck- not now!”
“Hyung, can’t that wait?”
“Yes, Hyung, I’m sure that can wait!”
“Yoochun, what are you waiting for?”
“I’mtryingtopreventacatastrophe-”
“What did you say? Yoochunah, damn it! What do you know that I don’t?”
“Nothing. I’m off, you close his mouth.”
“I luv you, Junshu.”
“Oh shit!”
“Hahaha. I love you, too, Hyung. You’re pretty cute when you’re drunk.”
“Wait- you do? I mean, hehehe, of course you do! I love you, too, Hyung! And I love Junsu, and Junsu loves me, and we’re all a happy JYJ family!”
“Yoochunah! Will you get the keys or not? What the hell is wrong with you today?”
“Nooo, you don’t underssand, Junshu. I luv, luv, luv you! Different from Yoochwen.”
“What? Hahaha. I’m sure you don’t mean that.”
“I’ll get the keys!”
“About time.”
“I do!”
“Everybody move! Make some room, drunken ballast is on the way!”
“Ouch! Hyung, stop biting me!”
“But you’re not lissening. God! Why do you taste so good? Is that baby-powder?”
“Yoochun, hurry up! Uh, I think he’s kissing me now. My neck feels all sticky.”
“Keys, keys, keys! Junsuya, I have his jacket but I can’t find the fucking keys, damnit!”
“Junshyu… Junshyu… Junshyu!”
“What, Hyung?”
“Keys are in my pocket.”
So Junsu had driven him home in the end but for what it’s worth, he couldn’t remember it. He could remember the next day; the membership week, the fan-meeting, and another talk.
“You are fucking with me, Yoochun.”
“I’m not!”
“You are clearly fucking with me! See, I can remember some parts, like licking Junsu’s neck, and the taste of him-”
“That knows the whole world by now. Don’t you think that was too much information, Hyung?”
“-but it surely didn’t take place like that!”
“It surely did! Fine, don’t listen to me, Hyung. Why don’t you ask Junsu himself?”
“You know I can’t do that. So if I believed you, I’m not saying that I do, you basically tipped Junsu off with your weird behaviour!”
“I did not. It was you who told him that you loved him face-to-face, and he found the whole thing uproariously funny anyway. I don’t get why you are mad at me!”
“But you told him that I might be gay! No wonder he’s been acting awkward around me lately!”
“Hyung, he’s not awkward. You’re missing the point where he was over-protective of you. You two really need to talk about what happened.”
“What do you mean by that suddenly? Yoochunah, you would tell me if you knew something that I don’t, right?”
“Why do you two keep saying that? You’re putting me at the frontier which is stressing me! I don’t want to hear any more of it! You guys need to talk.”
“Yoochunah…”
“No, Hyung. Confess to him, isn’t that what you wanted to do anyway?”
“Yes, and it all went wrong, you were there. You saw it!”
“Do it again, sober-minded this time, please. Then you can come to me again and tell me every detail about it.”
-
Part 2-->