J[a]e•lous•y 2
title: Jaelousy [2/2]
pairing: Jaesu
rating: pg-13
genre: melodrama
length: 9346 words, two shot
summary: Jaejoong has it bad for quite a few years and one day he decides that he's had enough. He has a plan... but it all goes so spectacularly wrong.
a/n: Here's part 2. Thanks for your patience ;) This got longer than I expected. I hope you enjoy it^^
Junsu called back when it was already very late, Jaejoong didn’t pick up on purpose. He was lying on his bed in the dark, the cell-phone right next to him moving infinitesimally with the vibration mode on and its screen lightening up Junsu’s name. He watched the light die out, he had his excuse ready, had thought it through several times during the last hours, but he didn’t want to lie to Junsu over the phone. His own voice would probably give him away; he would make a fool of himself such as by stuttering over the simplest of words. He didn’t want to hear the sadness in Junsu’s voice, the disappointment he would be causing. He felt pathetic.
His screen lightened up again; a new message by Junsu. This he could deal with, the temptation was big. The preview of the message looked harmless so far, so he opened it.
“Hyung, are you awake yet?”
Now that he had opened it and that Junsu could see that he had read it, he had to reply, even if the question was already answered.
“Yes,” he answered after a while.
“Why didn’t you pick up my call?”
“Was busy,” he lied, it was far easier when Junsu couldn’t hear his voice.
“Hyung, Wednesday evening, second floor, 1 seat, can you make it?”
He sighed, he hated himself for this. “I’m sorry, Junsuya. I’ve looked into my calendar and I’ll be recording some new songs for my next album that day.”
After five minutes he received another message. “No problem, in that case I can offer 1 seat on the first floor for Thursday afternoon and 1 seat, second floor, Thursday evening.”
He felt horrible, especially after Junsu made the effort to search for the free, sought-after seats.
“Thank you…”
“But?”
“But I’ll be in the recording studio that day, too.”
“I knew you’d be like this.”
“I’m sorry! I’m really meeting up with some musicians in the recording studio this whole week.” He would go to hell for this, he was sure. Either that or he better make his lie a truth later on.
“Okay. What did you call me for then?”
Right, what did he call him for in the first place? Oh, the confession. “I just wanted to know when do you have time for my house-warming party?”
“Didn’t you say that you already held one?”
“Yes but this is just for you and Yoochun since you two haven’t seen my new apartment yet.” He would disinvite Yoochun later on so he had his private time with Junsu. “I’m at the recording studio till Friday but my weekend is clear.”
“I can’t, Saturdays I’m practicing with the musical crew for the Sunday-performances.”
“Oh,” he wrote disappointedly as he noticed that he wasn’t going to see Junsu for the rest of August. He didn’t deserve any better, he thought to himself.
“Yeah.”
“You aren’t mad at me, right, Junsu?” He wrote when he realised that Junsu didn’t even bother to invite him for the Sunday performances. Perhaps he knew that Jaejoong wouldn’t come anyway. It still would be nice to be asked out.
“Should I be?” It took a while for that message to reach him. He hated mind-games and he hated pretence. He couldn’t wait to get it over with the confession.
It took a while for him to reply, too. “I wub woo.” he wrote, adding hearts and as many emojicons as he could think of. He knew Junsu wouldn’t take it seriously.
It provoked the wanted effect, Junsu laughed in letters.
-
That was the last he heard of Junsu till late September, hence Jaejoong had withdrawal symptoms. Jaejoong prepared for his next album alone, went to the drama awards alone, vacationed alone, and he borrowed Yoochun’s Yacht to go fishing alone, a thing he had never done before. He thought he was going crazy. According to Yoochun and to Junsu’s twitter page, Junsu spent the holidays with his twin brother Junho in Hawaii. Chuseok came and went, and Jaejoong spent the last days till Junsu’s return in a very lousy state, missing him awfully. Why he didn’t contact Junsu before was due to his feeling of guilt, why Junsu didn’t contact him was a mystery, or either due to similar reasons. So by the time their next NII shooting was around the corner, he got excited.
“Tomorrow it’s going to happen, Yoochun. Tomorrow after the shooting I’m going to tell him,” he said over the phone.
“Eh Hyung, there is no shooting tomorrow. Tomorrow is the movie premiere, the NII shooting is the day after.”
“What, are you sure?”
“Yes. We’re invited to the Wish movie premiere, remember?”
“Is Junsu coming?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then it doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell him tomorrow anyway.”
“All right, best of luck.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I watch?”
“Nope.”
“Hyung, that’s unfair!”
“See you tomorrow, Yoochun.” He hung up before he could hear further protest.
The next day they met at the hair-salon, it was the usual place they gathered at before an event. He greeted Yoochun with a tight hug; he hadn’t seen him for quite a while either. “I’ve missed you, Hyung,” said Yoochun.
“Me, too. You look good today,” he commented on Yoochun’s style. The group was supposed to wear black for the day.
“Thanks,” Yoochun grinned and side-eyed him up and down. “And you look like you’re about to admit your undying love for someone. You’re really taking no risks.”
“Shut up. Is Junsu already here?”
“No, I just came myself and haven’t spotted him yet.”
They took their seats and a group of stylists immediately busied themselves with their make-up and hair. They were almost done when Junsu entered through the door in a tight-fit all in black suit with his shirt’s two top bottoms left undone. His hair looked tousled but he gathered all the attention in the room like a magnet anyway. Jaejoong was caught between feasting on the sight and wanting to cover Junsu up so nobody could look at him.
“Hyung, please close your jaw,” Yoochun whispered in his ear.
He tore his eyes away from Junsu and looked at him. “Is he provoking on purpose?”
Yoochun shook his head in that you’re-embarrassing kind of way.
“Hey Junsu-sama!” screamed Yoochun across the room and stood up to greet him. Junsu’s face instantly beamed up at the familiar voice.
“Hey buddy, long time no see.” He heard Junsu say as they hugged.
When Jaejoong found that was long enough, he stood up to intervene. He suavely got between them and put his arms around Junsu’s slender hips. He noticed Junsu had lost a lot of weight which made him want to feed him. “Hey Junsu.”
He saw Junsu’s broad smile from up-close for just a second before he leaned his head on Junsu’s shoulder, deeply breathing in his intoxicating scent. It was comforting, that and Junsu’s hand that shot up to his freshly made hair.
“Hey Hyung.” That word woke up all kinds of emotions in him.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered.
Junsu’s chest rumbled with his melodious laugh. “I’ve missed you, too, Hyung.”
Junsu patted his head three times before he made attempts to break free from Jaejoong’s hold. Jaejoong grasped him tighter, ignoring the people that watched them.
“How come you didn’t hug me that tight when we met?” Only when Yoochun said that did they get away from each other.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes at Yoochun secretly, mentally telling him to stop it.
Yoochun gave him a secretive smirk in turn.
While Junsu got his hair done Jaejoong and Yoochun sat by and questioned him about Hawaii. They also told Junsu what they had been up to and by the time they were finished, Junsu was declared ready to go.
“So how do I look?” asked Junsu self-consciously in front of the mirror.
Edible. Jaejoong was almost going to say that loud.
“Fuck, I can’t go with you guys like this.” Yoochun said.
“Why not?” asked Junsu.
“I look like a student and you two will look like you’re on a sexy date in comparison!”
“Yah!” Junsu and he both shouted in protest. He was still pleased that he wasn’t the only one blushing.
“Shut up, Yoochun,” he said.
“What, it’s true!”
“Should I maybe take off my jacket? Am I dressed too formally in this suit?”
“No way!” Jaejoong shouted before he could stop himself. He didn’t want Junsu to expose his slender body form to everyone. He wanted to keep this sight to himself.
“I think you should,” Yoochun disagreed. “It’s a movie premiere, not an award show!”
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at Yoochun. “But-”
“We all should look casual,” Yoochun insisted.
Junsu slowly took off his jacket and watched the result in the mirror; he seemed to like it that way while Jaejoong wanted to cover Junsu’s visibly sexy form up again. He sent a death-glare in Yoochun’s direction who stretched out his tongue at him.
“Okay, I’ll leave the jacket off,” Junsu decided. “Let’s go.”
They left the hair salon together and when they took their seats in the group’s van he told Yoochun how much he hated him.
“Shut up, Hyung. Don’t act like I didn’t do you a major favour, too. You and I both know how much you love the sight.”
“You fucking tease,” he said. Later he found out that Yoochun was right though, he could barely keep his eyes off Junsu. Even when he tried not to look as the cameras flashed their arrival at the scene, he found his eyes following Junsu around every other moment. Yoochun side-eyed him more than once when he turned to him. “You’re so obvious, it’s embarrassing,” his eyes would say. “It’s your fault so, shut up,” he would reply telepathically.
Then he would observe Junsu some more, despite trying not to, and at one point Junsu caught him staring. Jaejoong froze, and didn’t know how to react any other way in front of the cameras, but Junsu loosened his tension by only laughing and asking what was wrong as they looked into each other’s eyes for just a second.
“Nothing,” he whispered, so Junsu shrugged and turned away.
They left the cameras behind and went into the theatre where Jaejoong took the seat next to Junsu, shoving Yoochun purposefully away to the other side.
After the actors introduced themselves, the lights went out and they had a moment of silence before the movie started. Jaejoong took this opportunity to make his move, even though his nervousness was jutting out of his head by then. He looked at Junsu and for the second time Junsu caught him in the act. He didn’t say a word; he looked back and waited for Jaejoong to say something.
“I’ve got to tell you something,” Jaejoong said, collecting his bravery.
“What is it?”
Just in that moment the surround-sound started going off. Fucking great timing, he cursed inwardly. “It can wait.”
Junsu shrugged and turned his head to the screen. The movie began.
He sighed.
“Chicken,” Yoochun whispered from his other side. He threw popcorns at him in reply.
After the movie one of their managers drove them back to the hair salon where they had parked with their individual cars. Only Junsu’s car wasn’t there so, Jaejoong took this opportunity to ask him for his time again.
“Hey Junsu, do you want to come to my place?”
“Um thanks, but it’s late and I’m tired. Another time maybe?”
Sadness and disappointment flooded him. “Should I drop you off then?”
“No, I won’t bother you, I’ll go with the manager.”
“Oh, okay,” he said, “see you tomorrow then.”
“See you tomorrow. Bye Hyung, bye Yoochun!”
“Bye Junsu!” said Yoochun.
“Bye bye, sleep well and don’t be up late!” said Jaejoong.
“Yeah.” They watched Junsu and the manager in the group’s van disappear around the corner till they walked to their own cars.
“Was he mad at me?” Jaejoong asked.
“He seemed so, didn’t he?” said Yoochun.
“Tomorrow I’ll confess to him.”
“I’ve heard this before.”
“Tomorrow it’s really going to happen, Yoochun.”
“I’ll believe it once it’s done. Goodnight, Hyung!”
“Goodnight, see you tomorrow,” said Jaejoong and watched Yoochun also disappear around the corner.
That night Jaejoong slept anything else but good, once he was able to fall asleep his dreams were filled with various Junsus rejecting him in every possible way.
He tried not to let his head hang down the next morning, tried to stay as positive as he could. After all he was going to meet Junsu again which was something at least. Any day with Junsu in it was better than any day without him, and NII shootings were especially nice because there was always a bright atmosphere with Junsu around.
Today Jaejoong would confess to him, he was convinced of it. With that attitude he got ready and made his way to the set.
Yoochun and Junsu were both already there, so he quickly changed into his NII clothes to catch up with them. He greeted them before he got his hair and makeup done, then the two did their individual shoots. After he was also done with his individual shoot, there was a pause where the set was adjusted with different lightening and background, meaning they had to be on standby.
“Hey Yoochunah, where`s Junsu?”
“No idea, the last minute he was walking around here somewhere.”
“Hmm.” Jaejoong searched for him but didn’t find him. Then he pulled out his cell-phone, filming himself to update his fans. “What do you think Junsu is doing?” he asked into the camera. He filmed Yoochun next who sat in front of the mirror and adjusted his hat. “This is Yoochun!” he said.
“Who are you going to show this?”
“Hmm?”
“Who are you going to send this film to?”
“The fans.”
“Ah, can I watch what you were filming?”
“Sure but it isn’t a lot.”
He handed his phone over to Yoochun who replayed the short filmed sequence. A short while later he said, “Hyung, he was right behind you!”
“What?”
“Look, when you started filming, he went through that door.”
Yoochun pointed to the said door, and Jaejoong thanked him, took his phone back and went through it. Junsu was also sitting on a chair in front of a similar mirror. He was fussing with his hair even though Jaejoong found it was already perfectly in place.
“Hey Junsu, can I take a film with you? It’s for the fans,” he asked as he approached Junsu slowly.
“Sure. What do I have to do?” Junsu asked Jaejoong’s mirrored self, not turning around.
“Nothing much,” Jaejoong said and smiled to himself before he embraced Junsu from behind. Junsu stiffened, just when Jaejoong whispered into the sensitive spot of his neck did he unfreeze, it could have also been a shiver running down his spine, Jaejoong wasn’t sure. “a smile would be nice though.”
They did the peace sign together, and Junsu did smile, however forced it looked.
Jaejoong sent the video away and then put his phone into his pocket but he didn’t let go of Junsu.
“Hey Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t come to your Elisabeth performances. You were mad at me, right?”
Junsu sighed and put his hand on top of Jaejoong’s arms that surrounded him. “A bit,” he admitted.
“I knew it. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.”
“I promise I’ll come to your next musical though, all right?”
“All right. Promise you will visit it twice instead.”
Jaejoong smiled at Junsu in the mirror. “I promise.”
Junsu held out his pinkie finger and Jaejoong took it with his own, holding onto it for a long time. Lost in thought, he bent down to kiss the junction between Junsu’s shoulder and back-of-neck.
“Hyung, that tickles!” Junsu giggled, trying to shrug him away. Jaejoong held on.
“Junsu, what are you doing tonight after the shooting?”
“Ehhh…nothing. Why?”
“Come visit me.”
“What?”
“House-warming party, remember? Just you and me, and Yoochun if he has time. It will be fun. I’ll cook dinner for us and we’ll play video games all night long. How does that sound?”
“Okay.”
“What really?” he asked unbelievingly. He didn’t expect Junsu to agree that fast.
“Yes,” Junsu smiled.
“Fantastic!” he beamed. “I’ll go and tell Yoochun!” He left Junsu in a run, excited and afraid at the same time.
The next minute he found Yoochun he told him, “I invited Junsu to my second house-warming party.”
“What about me? Am I not invited?”
“You were invited but you didn’t have time, just to be sure.”
“You’re unbelievable!”
“You apologised because, unfortunately, you have some important filming going on tomorrow so you have to rest earlier for the night.”
“Understood. So you’re going to tell him tonight?”
“Yes, I’m really going to tell him.”
“You’ll call me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“JYJ on the set for the group-shots, please!” the photographer called for them, the standby pause was over.
“Best of luck, Hyung.” Yoochun hugged him.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t forget, no matter what outcome, I’ll be there for you, got it?”
“Got it.”
“Because we’re…”
“Perfect.”
“Exactly.”
After the shooting Junsu was a little perplexed when Yoochun didn’t follow them into the same car. Jaejoong told him the fib without looking into his face, he hoped Junsu wouldn’t be able to read him like Yoochun was.
With his heartbeat ringing in his ears he opened the door to his new apartment for Junsu later. It was the first time Junsu entered it and he wanted Junsu to have a good impression of the place, so he had kept it tidy for the whole week. “Welcome to my home, sweet home.”
His dog Hiro greeted them at the door with loud bellowing, although it was tiny yet.
“Woah, congratulations! It looks awesome. Hi Hiro!”
“Thanks,” he said as he fondly observed how Junsu stroked Hiro’s belly. They took off their shoes and entered the living room, Junsu not letting go of the dog as he did so. “Feel at home and take a look around while I cook us dinner.”
“All right. Wow, so that’s the famous gorilla you keep posting pics about.”
“Oh you saw that? Haha.”
“Yeah, twitter is full of those pics.”
“Haha, its name is Rilala, by the way.”
“Hi Rilala, I’m Junsu.”
Jaejoong shook his head with a smile on his face. “What do you want to eat, Junsu?”
“I’ve longed for your Kimchi stew for quite some time now, Hyung.”
“All right, Kimchi stew it is then,” Jaejoong grinned.
Ten minutes later, Junsu declared he had seen every corner of the house and took a seat at the table next to the kitchen so he could watch Jaejoong cooking. That made him very nervous but luckily he didn’t burn anything.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring any gift for the house, Hyung.”
“It’s okay; I brought you on short notice. You can do that next time.”
“Yeah.”
“You being here is also gift enough for me.”
Junsu laughed at that.
By the time he was finished with the stew, Junsu’s mouth was watering. It was an old trick; make the guest see what you’re cooking and they want to eat it that much more. It worked every time. Junsu ate half the pot all by himself which made him very happy. He found Junsu was much too skinny anyway. While Junsu was still eating, he made Hiro his dinner, too.
“You little rascal,” he told his dog while stroking it behind its ears. “How come you act more loyal to Junsu than to me?”
Hiro ate from his bowl without a care in the world. He laughed.
“The stew was amazing!” Junsu said after dinner and patted his stomach.
“Thanks, do you want some more?”
“No, I think I’m going to burst.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Then have a drink at least, what do you want?”
“A coke will do.”
“Sure.” He put the dirty plates into the dishwasher and then took two cans of coke out of his fridge. “Let’s have these in the game-room.”
Jaejoong’s game-room consisted of a huge LED screen, a very comfortable couch, dimmed lights, and every game-console existent on earth.
Junsu’s eyes shone at the sight of the many games.
“Go on and pick one,” said Jaejoong and Junsu attacked the mountain of CDs, some still unwrapped.
“Oh my God, what to choose, what to choose? This is so hard!”
Jaejoong laughed, he felt like he was watching the little kid that entered Charlie’s chocolate factory.
“Oh my God, what’s FIFA 14 doing on your desk? This isn’t supposed to be out yet!”
“Um, I kind of know one of the creators, it’s a prototype yet.” Junsu side-eyed him. “What?”
“Why am I not surprised in the least? Do your social circles have no end?”
“Hehe. What are you waiting for? Shove it in, let’s have a round.”
Junsu beamed. “All right, but I’m so going to beat you, Hyung.”
“We’ll see.”
One and a half hours later, Junsu beat him in five out of six matches, and that sixth time Jaejoong only beat him because Junsu shot the ball into the wrong goal. Probably because he was very exhausted by that time.
During the seventh match Jaejoong decided it was time to approach the issue before Junsu fell asleep. Even Hiro had made it itself comfortable on Junsu’s lap.
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m approaching your goal and you’re not stopping me.”
“Yeah Hyung.”
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“You’re cute when you’re sleepy.”
“Thanks Hyung.”
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you for driving me home and for protecting me from Seok Cheon-hyung that time when I was drunk. He’s been hitting on me since he broke up with his boyfriend.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Then it was my pleasure, Hyung.”
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“What would you do if I told you something that could change the whole JYJ dynamics?”
Junsu didn’t answer for a long time. “Junsu, are you asleep?”
“No. I’d still want to know what you have to say. I don’t think we should keep secrets from one another at this point.”
“Oh, I agree.”
“Is it something that Yoochun knows?”
“Yeah.”
“For how long?”
“For quite a while.”
“Then don’t you think you should tell me, too, Hyung?”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. Junsu?”
“Yeah Hyung?”
“I love you.”
“I know you’re ga- wait, what?”
“Junsu? Goal.”
“I’m sorry, Hyung, can you repeat that?”
“Goal.”
“No, the other thing.”
“Oh. I said I loved you. What did you think I was going to say?”
Junsu’s eyes were blown wide open, suddenly not looking sleepy one tiny bit. “I thought you were going to come out to me just now!” he screamed, surprising the drowsy Hiro so much that it jumped from his lap, bellowing its protest.
“Why did you think that?”
“There were the signs since Yoochun’s party…”
“Well, am I not doing that, too?”
“Wait Hyung, are you serious?”
Jaejoong blushed furiously. “Is it so ridiculous of me to love you?”
“I didn’t say such a thing-”
“If it is, then let’s forget I ever said such a thing.” He went and sat next to Junsu for a moment. He hugged him and whispered, “I’m sorry. It was a joke. I’ll never do it again.” Then he stood up, took his pack of cigarettes and left for the balcony.
The whole day he didn’t find it necessary to smoke a single cigarette, now he felt like smoking the whole package. When the sound of his barking dog and the front door slamming shut carried over, not even the cool night air could dry the hot tears on his face fast enough. It took him a whole hour to smoke the pack, he was faster than usual, his pulls on each cigarette longer than usual, but his brain still not being foggy enough to bear and handle with the pain in his chest. He didn’t move from the spot he was standing on in the slightest and if the coldness from the night numbed his body, he didn’t care. He would accept death gladly at this point because what was deader than a soul rejected by its love.
Just for a moment he even played with the ludicrous thought to jump past the balustrade. He was curious what it would be like, would it hurt? Much more than the pain he was already feeling? Should he jump? Should he not? Would people notice at this hour? Would people try to prevent it? Probably not. How would they?
His phone ringed. It was Yoochun.
He took the call as a healthy distraction; his last cigarette had burned out anyway. “How was it?”
“Yoochunah… I told him.”
Jaejoong didn’t even have to tell him that it went bad, Yoochun knew from the difference in the colour of his voice.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Hyung!”
“I told him that I loved him and he... left. He left, Yoochun.”
“I'm so sorry, Hyung, this is my entire fault.”
“How on earth is this your fault, Yoochunah?”
“I pushed you! It was me who encouraged you to confess. I thought-”
“No, it was me who wanted to tell him, Yoochunah. Do you know what I can't stop thinking about?”
“What, Hyung?”
“Whitney Houston.”
“I think you've gone barking mad. Don't do anything stupid, Hyung. Stay where you are! I'll be there in five minutes.”
“No, shut up, will you. I'm talking about that Whitney Houston song we used to sing together. I can't stop thinking about this.” Jaejoong started to sing the part in his mind, despite the coldness and all the smoke in his lungs shaking his voice more than normal, not to forget that painful knot in his throat. Important was that he sang with what was left of his heart.
“Don't make me close one more door, I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms if you dare, must I imagine you there?”
A pair of arms encircled him around his middle; scaring him and making him jump on his spot. How he didn't hear the approach was possibly due to his concentration being focused somewhere down beyond the balustrade. Or maybe Yoochun was right and he was going crazy. The body held him harder though, it was as cold as his own felt; real.
“Don't walk away from me.” The body sang against his back, it had Junsu's voice which was impossible since Junsu had left. With his free hand Jaejoong felt for the hands on his stomach, they were as veiny as Junsu's, too. “I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you.”
The last note that the voice held faded perfectly away with an experienced ease that only one person that he knew pulled off like this. Jaejoong sobbed.
“Hyung, what is going on in there?”
“You won't believe me...”
“Is that Yoochun on the phone? Give me the phone, please.”
Jaejoong did as he was told as if in trance. One arm around his waist disappeared, leaving behind a stretch of skin that missed the contact.
“Yoochunah,” he heard behind his back, Jaejoong didn't dare to turn around yet. “Can he call you back tomorrow? No, don't come over. No! Jaejoongie-Hyung and I need to talk, in private. No, I can't tell you. No, he'll talk to you tomorrow if he wants to, goodnight!” The call was ended like that and the phone was put into one of his back-pockets, he didn't know if he should find it awkward.
The arms re-tightened around his middle, creating little warmth between them. Jaejoong figured if it was a dream, he didn't ever want to open his eyes.
“I'm sorry I left without saying anything. I needed to clear my mind for a bit, and Hiro needed a walk, too. You can't confine him in here, you know. He needs to get out from time to time.”
Jaejoong couldn't believe his ears. “You took Hiro out for a walk?”
“Yeah, and he loved it.”
“Huh.” He was speechless.
“I'm sorry, I didn't know it would make you smoke all these.” A foot kicked at the dead stubs across the floor, brushing his leg as it did so. “You must have been pained, a lot.”
Jaejoong wanted to agree but his voice was lost for the moment.
“Did you move from this spot at all?”
He shook his head like a five year old child, dreading any chastising words.
“Yeah, I can feel that, you're ice-cold.”
He coughed, clearing his throat. “You're not any better, Junsu.”
“I know… but I needed the fresh air. Come on, let's get inside to warm up so we can talk, yeah?”
Jaejoong shook his head again. He held onto Junsu's arms with both of his as Junsu made attempts to go. He needed to keep this illusion intact.
“Shush, it's okay,” Junsu murmured against his ear, stroking his middle. Jaejoong realised he was sobbing once more only when the comfort slowly calmed him down. “I'm not going to leave again. I'm going to stay and we're going to talk about everything.”
“Can't we talk here?” He asked, dreading the moment Junsu's arms left him.
“Hyung, you'll catch a cold.”
“I don't care.”
A pause followed but Junsu didn't let go of him. He stepped even closer and leaned his head on Jaejoong's shoulder, making him stop breathing for an instant.
“To be honest, I was a little mad at you, Hyung.”
Please don't be
“I kind of knew there was something between Yoochun and you that you wouldn't tell me for a while and it made me feel left out.”
I'm sorry
“I was also upset that you told Yoochun before you told me-”
I'm so sorry
“-but now I think it must have been so hard on you, Hyung. Not being able to tell me for all these years, you must have been scared.”
Yes
“It's only natural you needed someone to talk to, I'm glad Yoochun was there for you.”
Thank you
“Did you really think I was going to ignore it when you told me that you love me?”
Yes
“That I would act as if nothing happened like you told me to?”
“Yes,” he said loudly.
“How on earth could I when everything makes much more sense? I've had time to think about it during the walk. Over the years you've been doing everything I asked of you, without ever asking for something in return… you were so selfless and it just makes so much sense!”
It does?
“I told you to go blond all those years ago and you did although it was such a drastic change for you. I told you to go into the rock genre and you blindly did! I told you to promise me to stay by my side and you foolishly did! I even named your dog Vick! Do you love me that much, Hyung?”
You have no idea, he wanted to say. “You finally noticed,” he said instead.
“I'm so stupid- and I came to you after every one of my break-ups, talking to you about my love-life! I'm so sorry. It must have been really hard to bear that.”
“I was jealous,” he admitted.
“Of course you were! Is that why you didn't come to watch Elisabeth either? God, even that makes sense now!”
Jaejoong nodded, his hair stroking Junsu's cheek.
“You must have thought I was going to reject you.”
“Aren't you? You left after all.”
Junsu avoided the answer. “Did you have crazy thoughts while I went out? Like the world would end so it wouldn't hurt to jump down here?”
“You know what heart-ache is like.”
“Don't even go there, Hyung. Don't you ever think about that again.” Junsu had his stern, dead-serious voice on. “I'm sorry I didn't read the signs, Hyung. You were so obvious when I think about it, but I didn't realise how you felt.” Junsu's words reminded him of Yoochun's, like a déjà-vu.
“It’s funny how I heard this before. Why do you guys keep apologising when it's me who can't control myself? I should be the one to apologise.”
“Hyung, you can't control who you fall in love with. It just happens.”
“Yeah but I could have told you earlier. I still should apologise for bringing you in this uncomfortable situation so, I’m sorry. Come on; let's get it over with the rejection. No need to drag it out. I'll survive it, I promise.”
“Don't be sorry for confessing your honest feelings to me, Hyung. Even if I might not feel the same way-”
“I knew it.” Jaejoong was ready to accept defeat.
“I'm not going to reject you.”
“You… you're not?”
“How could I when I should be thankful for them?”
“What?” Maybe Junsu was barking mad at this point, too.
“You know how much I value your trust and constant presence in my life, Hyung. I might not love you the same way that you love me, but I do. Any person in this world would be lucky to receive so much of your love, Hyung. Just remember your millions of fan girls… and fan boys.”
“But they’re not you.”
“That’s why I’m saying thank you that you're giving it to me.”
“You're just saying that because you're too nice to reject me,” he said bitterly.
“I think the coldness is finally messing with your brain, Hyung," Junsu chuckled into his side. “I just told you that I'm willing to give us a chance.”
Us, what a beautiful word, thought Jaejoong, too beautiful to be true.
“Please don't lie to me, Junsu. It's not funny at this point.”
Junsu sighed into his shoulder-blades and unwound his arms. If it were an illusion, it would break at this point, Jaejoong would find himself being lonely again, and he would be talking to Yoochun on the phone to distract himself from dark thoughts.
There was no such thing though.
Junsu's hoarse voice still reached his ears. “Tell you what, Hyung, I'll go back inside and you'll follow me when you're ready to deal with this. I promise I won't leave. I will wait for you and we’ll decide what to do next.”
The balcony-door was opened and closed with the wind. Once again he was alone, and he realised how bad that was. All kinds of thoughts crossed his mind.
Behind his balcony’s door a whole world with new opportunities awaited him, yet he was standing here in the cold night. Maybe everything was just a sick dream of his, maybe he would wake up in the morning and nothing would be changed. Maybe he would wake up and notice he already got rejected. Maybe Junsu’s presence was just a ghost in his head.
But what if it weren’t? What if Junsu were indeed waiting inside, ready to begin anything with him? What if they did begin a relationship and everything would go wrong? What if Junsu realised he didn’t want to be together with another man at all? What if it just didn’t work out between the two of them, and what if they couldn’t go on to be in one group after that?
Jaejoong pondered over all these little scenarios for a long time, anxious over each.
Was it worth a try though, if there were just the slightest quantity of a positive outcome?
Definitely
As long as Junsu could be waiting inside, they could begin something, and they could become happy together, Jaejoong decided it was definitely worth a try.
After what felt like hours Jaejoong turned around and walked away from the balustrade. His body was still numb with coldness but the feeling was returning to some of his fingers as he tore the door open and re-entered his apartment. Everything was dark inside, too, except for the far away dim light of his game-room. He staggered to it cautiously, fearing what awaited him, and what not.
The LED screen was turned off, that was the first thing that he noticed. The stack of video games was also tidied up to its right order. There was his ordinary couch, but Junsu, his wonderful Junsu was sitting on it. A heavy stone that weighed down his patched up heart dissolved at the sight of him looking at the black screen with dark circles under his eyes while his hands played with the fur of Hiro on his lap.
Jaejoong took out his phone and captured the image, it was an old habit. He wanted to keep all these little secret images to himself to analyse and adore them later. Maybe that wasn’t necessary anymore, he reconsidered. He put his phone away.
He stepped forward and drew Junsu’s attention that followed his every move. He was tired so, when Jaejoong took Hiro out of his lap and placed his dog on the floor next to their feet Junsu didn’t protest. He didn’t protest either when Jaejoong slowly claimed the place on Junsu’s lap. He wrapped his knees around Junsu’s thighs and his arms around Junsu’s shoulders while never breaking the eye-contact with him. He was nervous but he tried not to show it. “You’re much warmer than me now,” he told him.
Junsu didn’t say a word, his hands however wandered into Jaejoong’s hair, stroking his strands up and down in that familiar rhythm. “I love your hands,” he purred. “Did you know they’re the reason why I started to like you?”
“Really? No wonder you kept telling around that your ideal had pretty hands.”
“Do you remember that time when Yoochun fought with me and I was really down?”
“Yeah.”
“What was that about again?”
“Yoochun’s love-interest was in love with you instead, so he was mad at you.”
“Really? But that’s so stupid since I couldn’t do anything about it.”
“It was stupid.”
“Anyway, you came and comforted me like this, that’s when it started.”
“That was ages ago.”
“I know,” he said and leaned his head on Junsu’s shoulder, enjoying the closeness and how Junsu didn’t stop stroking him. “I also love how you love each of my pets more than me. After they’ve been treated by you, they rarely remember who their master is.”
“That’s because you don’t treat them that well. Pets need a walk in the nature from time to time, and they need to be petted like this.” Jaejoong closed his eyes at the caresses along his scalp, he felt like he could finally fall into a restful slumber. “But it’s okay, it’s because you didn’t experience this, that’s why you wouldn’t know, Hyung.”
“I love how you understand me so well, Junsu. You’re the only one patient enough. You and Yoochun.”
“But I’m more patient than Yoochun.”
Jaejoong smiled into Junsu’s shoulder. “You are,” he said as he turned his nose to Junsu’s neck and sniffed at the intoxicating scent. “Junsuyah?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
The hands stopped stroking his hair so Jaejoong sat up to look into Junsu’s eyes again.
He was relieved to see kindness in them and to feel the hands coming around his torso instead.
“Thank you for entrusting your heart with me, Hyung. I promise I won’t break it,” Junsu spoke softly between them.
“Junsu, I don’t want you to feel obligated to start something with me out of pity.”
“It’s not out of pity!”
“It’s not? I would hate you if it was.”
“I said it’s not!”
“Okay, I just wanted to check.”
Junsu was chewing his lips and Jaejoong couldn’t stop looking at them. He didn’t know whether Junsu was doing it on purpose or not.
“Junsu?”
“Mmm?”
“I really want to kiss you.”
Junsu’s jaw dropped open. “Right now?” He asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, right now.”
“O-okay,” he said while his cheeks gained a healthy pink colour. “W-what should I do? Will you do it or should I-”
Jaejoong smiled at his sudden shyness. “Just close your eyes and let me do the rest.”
“A-all right.”
He carefully enclosed Junsu’s face within his hands, angled his own head and leaned forward till he could tell every single one of Junsu’s lashes apart. Junsu was hissing when he was just a breath away and he was starting to squint his eyes again which reminded Jaejoong of the cornfield-almost-kiss. “I… can’t do it. Not like this,” Jaejoong whispered.
All at once two hands pressed into the back of his neck which made him advance forward.
“Mmpf!”
It was hard when he bumped against Junsu’s lips, but Junsu made up for it with cute, massaging movements. It was like Junsu’s magical hands in his hair, he knew exactly how to comfort. Jaejoong took over from then on, sucking on the cherry-red skin that he had wanted to taste for years. It was better than what he had always imagined. Junsu was very cooperative when he pushed the lips apart with a wet tongue, leaving behind a trace of his saliva on Junsu’s mouth, as if to mark the entrance as his. And when their tongues touched, it was like a jigsaw was solved, two puzzle pieces finally clicking into place. This was what Jaejoong had always wanted to feel during a kiss, what he had looked for and hadn’t found. Because none of his previous kisses had been with Junsu.
He was so into it and leaning all of his weight on Junsu that the latter fell backwards against the couch with Jaejoong hovering over him. When Jaejoong readjusted his hips, Junsu put on the brakes and pushed at his chest.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to-” he immediately excused himself.
“You were sucking on my tonsils…” Junsu said out of breath.
“You’re a good kisser, and you taste delicious,” Jaejoong offered with a grin. A new blush blossomed on Junsu’s cheeks, he kissed it just before Junsu shoved at him again.
“And you taste like an ashtray.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Let me sit up when you are.” He helped Junsu up and hugged him with his whole body again. He left a kiss on Junsu’s sensitive neck before he put his chin on Junsu’s shoulder once more.
“Please be my boyfriend, Junsu,” he murmured.
“On one condition,” Junsu said and connected his arms around Jaejoong’s back.
“What is it?”
“Quit smoking. I want you to show me that you’re worth it and that you’re earnest about your feelings, Hyung.”
“But that’s hard!”
“I’m not going to let you kiss me again if you don’t stop!”
Jaejoong chuckled. He felt gloriously happy which he hadn’t done in ages. “All right. I’ll do it for you but give me time.”
“I’ll give you time till New Year’s. You can come and check up on me after that, Hyung.”
“That’s a long time till then!”
“We won’t see each other before that anyway, Hyung, what with you being busy with your second album preparations and me with my next musical.”
Next musical, it hit Jaejoong like a fist to his intestines. He sat up and gazed worriedly into Junsu’s eyes.
“I also got a condition, Junsu.”
“What is it?”
“Please don’t date anyone else till I quit smoking.”
“What, you mean I can do it after that?”
“Very funny.”
“I know.”
“I’m serious, Junsu.”
“Don’t worry. You know how loyal I am once I commit myself to someone.”
Jaejoong smiled bitter-sweetly at the memory of Junsu’s past relationships. “I do.”
“That does not mean I don’t want exclusivity in return though.”
“That won’t be a problem,” he coughed. He didn’t mention that he was one kind of loyal to Junsu for years now. “I still want you to keep the skin-ship within a limit during your new musical.”
Junsu had an evil grin that contorted his beautiful face. “Are you jealous?”
Oh, honey, you have no idea. “I’m very jealous.”
Junsu giggled into his face, which was adorable in every other situation. In that situation, it pissed Jaejoong off.
“Shut up! I hate you.”
“I would believe you if you didn’t wrinkle your nose, Hyung.”
Jaejoong gasped. “How do you know that? Did Yoochun tell you?”
“It was me who told Yoochun about this detail.”
“What? That’s not fair! How come I don’t know these things about you guys?”
Junsu hugged him tighter. “I’m sure you do, Hyung. Just close your eyes and think about it. What does Yoochun always do before a fib?”
Jaejoong did as he was told. He closed his eyes and imagined Yoochun telling him something utterly ridiculous. He observed his facial expression with his inner eye, and then he saw it. “He keeps sucking his lips inwardly but since he’s a bad liar he bursts out laughing a second after anyway.”
“Exactly,” Junsu’s breath was not far from his ear. “What do I do?”
Jaejoong’s own breath hitched and he felt warm. He knew what Junsu was doing during a lie, he had always known it. “Your hands go to the back of your neck to scratch the short hair there.”
“Amazing how well we know each other without really realising it, right?”
Jaejoong opened his eyes and blocked Junsu’s line of vision. He had an impulsive idea.
“Junsu, do you think that we’ll make a good couple one day?”
Junsu stared at him, baffled. One of his hands rose to the back of his neck out of reflex. Jaejoong intervened and held it hostage with his own.
“Don’t you even dare lie. I know all of your secrets.”
“Damn.”
“Junsu, I warn you,” he threatened.
Junsu closed his eyes and hung his head low. “I think that we’ll be great together.”
Jaejoong was completely enamoured of Junsu all over again. “Aww, you really think so?”
“Yes, and I’m going to deny it if you ever ask me again.”
“You’re cute when you pout.”
Junsu yawned.
“You’re also cute when you’re sleepy.”
“So I heard.”
Jaejoong stood up from Junsu’s lap and took him by the hand. “Let’s go to sleep, love.”
“What did you just call me?”
“Nothing, you must be hallucinating,” said Jaejoong. What Junsu didn’t see was that he wrinkled his nose.
-
Four months passed and Jaejoong was on the way to keep one of his promises. Christmas was spent busily at work and he didn’t see much of his members in weeks. His second album was a hit on various charts, just as Junsu’s new musical was in the theatres. December was everything everybody ever talked about these days and he was on his way to surprise-visit Junsu and convince himself of the musicals’ awesomeness.
Now that his concerts were over and that he had time, Jaejoong could show Junsu that he kept his promises from September. Jaejoong didn’t only successfully quit smoking over New Year’s, he was also going to visit December twice, but Junsu had yet to find out about that.
Jaejoong didn’t go alone the first time; he brought half the C-JeS entourage with him to support Junsu in masses. He was sad that Yoochun couldn’t make it since he was busy filming for his new drama and movie, but Yoochun sent his brother Yoohwan on his behalf.
Before the show they gave supporting interviews together and individually, and Jaejoong got so excited that he made a complete fool of himself when it was his turn. He knew he was being silly when he saw Yoohwan in a corner palming his own face in shared embarrassment.
“I hope you only have a little ski-skin-ship with the female actresses…” Jaejoong stuttered during his interview, as if everybody else needed to know that he was being jealous. To cover his silliness he started to giggle, a thing that Junsu usually did, not him. “Hehe… and it would be nice if you focused more on your acting performance. Fighting! Hehehe.” At this point Yoohwan burst out laughing, too.
The horrible thing was, he wasn’t even drunk and he was behaving like that. No, he was just in love.
He was so in love that he didn’t care about the cameras filming the various hugs that he shared with Junsu in greeting. Yoohwan told him later that it looked like he couldn’t keep his fingers off Junsu, maybe he was right. The surprise was a total success though; Junsu couldn’t believe the group of them waltzed in in his support only so he kept asking what was wrong when Jaejoong hugged him yet again. “What’s up, huh?”
“What what’s up?” asked Jaejoong innocently.
“Is today a special day or something?”
“Every day you perform in a musical is a special day.”
Junsu laughed in disbelief, but his whole face was glowing which was a rare sight. This boosted Jaejoong’s ego immensely because for the first time it was him who was causing that glow and not one of Junsu’s previous girlfriends.
Now it was only them, and another couple of kissing scenes he had to endure.
But it was half as bad when Jaejoong knew that Junsu was loyal to him. “That was a horrible kiss, the girl has no chance against me, she doesn’t even know how to hold him,” he kept whispering to Yoohwan during the performance who found Jaejoong was exhibiting a totally hilarious behaviour anyhow.
“There’s one thing I can’t deny, Hyung. It’s never ever boring with you around.”
“My pleasure, Yoohwan. I’m glad I’m amusing you so much.”
After the show Jaejoong locked himself up in Junsu’s dressing room with Yoohwan on the lookout behind the door. They had agreed upon a secret sequence of knocking signals which was going to warn him if someone came by. Yoohwan guaranteed him five minutes of silence at least.
Junsu was sitting on his chair in front of the make-up table and enjoying the display.
“You Mister, are in big trouble,” Jaejoong pointed an excusing finger at him. “Did you clean your shameful mouth yet?”
Junsu grinned but shook his head. “Will you do that for me, Hyung?”
Jaejoong walked up on him and got a comfortable seat on Junsu’s lap. “All right,” he said and took a wet tissue from the make-up table to wipe at Junsu’s mouth with it. Junsu observed him calmly, letting it happen as if he gloried in the attention. When Jaejoong was done, he briefly kissed Junsu on the lips, reclaiming his territory. “There, all clean and better,” he declared.
“Thanks. You look marvellous today, Hyung. Did you dress up for me?”
Jaejoong smiled. “Oh, you noticed. It’s for you, and for the cameras. Your acting was outstanding, by the way.”
Junsu’s arms wandered around his waist and pulled him closer, he almost gasped. “Really?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not jealous anymore.”
“I heard that you quit smoking, Hyung.”
Jaejoong lightened up at the change of topic, “Yes. I’m wonderful, aren’t I?”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“You know what that means?”
“What, Hyung?”
“That your ass is mine.”
“Oh, I didn’t know my ass was part of the deal.”
“You know what I mean. You are now my-”
Junsu laughed in that melodious way of his. “Boyfriend, I know. Thank you for keeping your promise and for having visited me today, Hyung.”
“It’s my pleasure. I’m here to collect my reward.”
“What reward?”
Jaejoong smirked. He put his arms around Junsu’s neck and leaned forward till their mouths touched. It was soft and nice to play with Junsu’s thick lips, but he didn’t stop till he could part them to suck on the sweet nectar in Junsu’s mouth instead. He groaned when Junsu did the same to him, Junsu hadn’t done that before. It surprised and aroused him all together. Following a series of knocking sounds, he broke away from Junsu.
“You don’t taste like an ashtray anymore…” Junsu mumbled while panting uncontrollably.
“Surprise, surprise. What do I taste like now?”
“I don’t know what it is but it’s tasty.”
Jaejoong grinned as he stood up, he bent down for just another brief moment to speak into Junsu’s ear. “You can find out what it is the next time I visit you.”
Junsu’s eyes shone brightly which pleased him. He knew it meant a lot to Junsu. “You’ll visit me again, Hyung?”
“I promised, remember? I said I’ll watch it twice.”
“When will you come again?”
“Ah, but I’m not going to give away the date, it would ruin the surprise effect, wouldn’t it?” He winked.
“That’s so mean.”
The door burst open with two female stylists and one distressed Yoohwan intruding into the room.
They didn’t complain about the impudence.
Jaejoong only complained when the stylists touched his Junsu way too intimately. It looked like they were exploiting their role too much.
“Yoohwanah,” he whispered, “did one of them just touch his butt?”
“I think so, Hyung,” Yoohwan whispered back.
“Junsuya, can I talk to you in private for a second?”
“What is it?” asked Junsu when they were alone in a corner of the room.
Jaejoong removed invisible lint from Junsu’s shoulders as he smiled dangerously. “What are they doing?”
“They help me getting in and out of the musical outfits. Why?”
“Tell them that you’re committed by the end of the day or I won’t come back.”
“Are you jealous again?” Junsu grinned from ear to ear.
“Oh yes, I’m jealous and I’m threatening you which is never a good combination.”
“I like it when you’re feisty.”
“That’s at least one thing that you like about me. By the end of the day, I’m warning you, Junsu!”
“All right,” said Junsu and took him into his arms to squeeze him which consoled him a little. “And there are a lot of things that I like about you, Hyung.”
Junsu’s warmth and scent worked like a tranquilliser on him. “Will you tell me what they are?”
“I’ll tell you on your next visit.”
“That’s so mean.”
“So are you, Hyung.”
“Well, now I’ll definitely have to come back.”
“I’ll look forward to it.”
“Bye bye Junsu,” Jaejoong squeezed him tight for a last time, taking in breaths full of Junsu’s ambrosial odour.
“Bye, Hyung, till I see you again.”
Junsu let go of him and Jaejoong clapped him lightly on the butt in farewell. It was worth it to see how Junsu blushed in front of the stylists.
“Come on, Yoohwan, let’s go!”
“Are we going? Bye Junsu-hyung!”
“Bye Yoohwanah, give Yoochun my best regards!”
They left the dressing room and closed the door behind them but Jaejoong lingered around for a minute longer.
“Are we spying, Hyung?” asked Yoohwan.
“Shht!” Jaejoong hushed him. “I want to know if he’s going to tell them.”
“Tell them what?”
“Hush!”
Junsu was talking with the stylists; their voices were muffled by the door but still recognisable when he was quiet enough.
“The trousers are next.”
“I’ll do that by myself, thanks. Hey you’ve got a pretty eye-liner there.”
Jaejoong’s eyes narrowed.
The stylists chuckled. “Thanks.”
“Where did you buy that?”
“I bought it at the shopping-mall close-by, it’s the new one by Clio. Why?”
“I thought I should get my girlfriend one of those.”
Jaejoong was scandalised. “Did he just make me his girlfriend?”
“Hyung, isn’t it the thought that counts?” whispered Yoohwan.
“Oh, you’ve got a girlfriend?” said one of the stylists. Jaejoong bet she got disappointed. His mood, however, went proportionally up.
“Yeah,” said Junsu.
Jaejoong nodded, that was it, Junsu had kept his words. Not like he had imagined it but he told them anyway.
The rumour mill was enlivened now, and Jaejoong hoped that the girls spread the news of Junsu being out of the market. It was time to go.
“Yoohwanah,” he spoke in low tones. “Let’s leave on tip-toes.”
Yoohwan put his thumbs up and also spoke under his breath, “okay, Hyung. I feel like I’m in a James Bond movie.”
Jaejoong suppressed a laugh at how silly they looked. “Thrilling, right?”
“Did I tell you that it’s never boring with you, Hyung?”
“I think you did, but you can always repeat that part.”
“It’s never boring with you, never ever.”
-
<--Part 1 - Epilogue
pairing: Jaesu
rating: pg-13
genre: melodrama
length: 9346 words, two shot
summary: Jaejoong has it bad for quite a few years and one day he decides that he's had enough. He has a plan... but it all goes so spectacularly wrong.
a/n: Here's part 2. Thanks for your patience ;) This got longer than I expected. I hope you enjoy it^^
Junsu called back when it was already very late, Jaejoong didn’t pick up on purpose. He was lying on his bed in the dark, the cell-phone right next to him moving infinitesimally with the vibration mode on and its screen lightening up Junsu’s name. He watched the light die out, he had his excuse ready, had thought it through several times during the last hours, but he didn’t want to lie to Junsu over the phone. His own voice would probably give him away; he would make a fool of himself such as by stuttering over the simplest of words. He didn’t want to hear the sadness in Junsu’s voice, the disappointment he would be causing. He felt pathetic.
His screen lightened up again; a new message by Junsu. This he could deal with, the temptation was big. The preview of the message looked harmless so far, so he opened it.
“Hyung, are you awake yet?”
Now that he had opened it and that Junsu could see that he had read it, he had to reply, even if the question was already answered.
“Yes,” he answered after a while.
“Why didn’t you pick up my call?”
“Was busy,” he lied, it was far easier when Junsu couldn’t hear his voice.
“Hyung, Wednesday evening, second floor, 1 seat, can you make it?”
He sighed, he hated himself for this. “I’m sorry, Junsuya. I’ve looked into my calendar and I’ll be recording some new songs for my next album that day.”
After five minutes he received another message. “No problem, in that case I can offer 1 seat on the first floor for Thursday afternoon and 1 seat, second floor, Thursday evening.”
He felt horrible, especially after Junsu made the effort to search for the free, sought-after seats.
“Thank you…”
“But?”
“But I’ll be in the recording studio that day, too.”
“I knew you’d be like this.”
“I’m sorry! I’m really meeting up with some musicians in the recording studio this whole week.” He would go to hell for this, he was sure. Either that or he better make his lie a truth later on.
“Okay. What did you call me for then?”
Right, what did he call him for in the first place? Oh, the confession. “I just wanted to know when do you have time for my house-warming party?”
“Didn’t you say that you already held one?”
“Yes but this is just for you and Yoochun since you two haven’t seen my new apartment yet.” He would disinvite Yoochun later on so he had his private time with Junsu. “I’m at the recording studio till Friday but my weekend is clear.”
“I can’t, Saturdays I’m practicing with the musical crew for the Sunday-performances.”
“Oh,” he wrote disappointedly as he noticed that he wasn’t going to see Junsu for the rest of August. He didn’t deserve any better, he thought to himself.
“Yeah.”
“You aren’t mad at me, right, Junsu?” He wrote when he realised that Junsu didn’t even bother to invite him for the Sunday performances. Perhaps he knew that Jaejoong wouldn’t come anyway. It still would be nice to be asked out.
“Should I be?” It took a while for that message to reach him. He hated mind-games and he hated pretence. He couldn’t wait to get it over with the confession.
It took a while for him to reply, too. “I wub woo.” he wrote, adding hearts and as many emojicons as he could think of. He knew Junsu wouldn’t take it seriously.
It provoked the wanted effect, Junsu laughed in letters.
-
That was the last he heard of Junsu till late September, hence Jaejoong had withdrawal symptoms. Jaejoong prepared for his next album alone, went to the drama awards alone, vacationed alone, and he borrowed Yoochun’s Yacht to go fishing alone, a thing he had never done before. He thought he was going crazy. According to Yoochun and to Junsu’s twitter page, Junsu spent the holidays with his twin brother Junho in Hawaii. Chuseok came and went, and Jaejoong spent the last days till Junsu’s return in a very lousy state, missing him awfully. Why he didn’t contact Junsu before was due to his feeling of guilt, why Junsu didn’t contact him was a mystery, or either due to similar reasons. So by the time their next NII shooting was around the corner, he got excited.
“Tomorrow it’s going to happen, Yoochun. Tomorrow after the shooting I’m going to tell him,” he said over the phone.
“Eh Hyung, there is no shooting tomorrow. Tomorrow is the movie premiere, the NII shooting is the day after.”
“What, are you sure?”
“Yes. We’re invited to the Wish movie premiere, remember?”
“Is Junsu coming?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then it doesn’t matter. I’m going to tell him tomorrow anyway.”
“All right, best of luck.”
“Thanks.”
“Can I watch?”
“Nope.”
“Hyung, that’s unfair!”
“See you tomorrow, Yoochun.” He hung up before he could hear further protest.
The next day they met at the hair-salon, it was the usual place they gathered at before an event. He greeted Yoochun with a tight hug; he hadn’t seen him for quite a while either. “I’ve missed you, Hyung,” said Yoochun.
“Me, too. You look good today,” he commented on Yoochun’s style. The group was supposed to wear black for the day.
“Thanks,” Yoochun grinned and side-eyed him up and down. “And you look like you’re about to admit your undying love for someone. You’re really taking no risks.”
“Shut up. Is Junsu already here?”
“No, I just came myself and haven’t spotted him yet.”
They took their seats and a group of stylists immediately busied themselves with their make-up and hair. They were almost done when Junsu entered through the door in a tight-fit all in black suit with his shirt’s two top bottoms left undone. His hair looked tousled but he gathered all the attention in the room like a magnet anyway. Jaejoong was caught between feasting on the sight and wanting to cover Junsu up so nobody could look at him.
“Hyung, please close your jaw,” Yoochun whispered in his ear.
He tore his eyes away from Junsu and looked at him. “Is he provoking on purpose?”
Yoochun shook his head in that you’re-embarrassing kind of way.
“Hey Junsu-sama!” screamed Yoochun across the room and stood up to greet him. Junsu’s face instantly beamed up at the familiar voice.
“Hey buddy, long time no see.” He heard Junsu say as they hugged.
When Jaejoong found that was long enough, he stood up to intervene. He suavely got between them and put his arms around Junsu’s slender hips. He noticed Junsu had lost a lot of weight which made him want to feed him. “Hey Junsu.”
He saw Junsu’s broad smile from up-close for just a second before he leaned his head on Junsu’s shoulder, deeply breathing in his intoxicating scent. It was comforting, that and Junsu’s hand that shot up to his freshly made hair.
“Hey Hyung.” That word woke up all kinds of emotions in him.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered.
Junsu’s chest rumbled with his melodious laugh. “I’ve missed you, too, Hyung.”
Junsu patted his head three times before he made attempts to break free from Jaejoong’s hold. Jaejoong grasped him tighter, ignoring the people that watched them.
“How come you didn’t hug me that tight when we met?” Only when Yoochun said that did they get away from each other.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes at Yoochun secretly, mentally telling him to stop it.
Yoochun gave him a secretive smirk in turn.
While Junsu got his hair done Jaejoong and Yoochun sat by and questioned him about Hawaii. They also told Junsu what they had been up to and by the time they were finished, Junsu was declared ready to go.
“So how do I look?” asked Junsu self-consciously in front of the mirror.
Edible. Jaejoong was almost going to say that loud.
“Fuck, I can’t go with you guys like this.” Yoochun said.
“Why not?” asked Junsu.
“I look like a student and you two will look like you’re on a sexy date in comparison!”
“Yah!” Junsu and he both shouted in protest. He was still pleased that he wasn’t the only one blushing.
“Shut up, Yoochun,” he said.
“What, it’s true!”
“Should I maybe take off my jacket? Am I dressed too formally in this suit?”
“No way!” Jaejoong shouted before he could stop himself. He didn’t want Junsu to expose his slender body form to everyone. He wanted to keep this sight to himself.
“I think you should,” Yoochun disagreed. “It’s a movie premiere, not an award show!”
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at Yoochun. “But-”
“We all should look casual,” Yoochun insisted.
Junsu slowly took off his jacket and watched the result in the mirror; he seemed to like it that way while Jaejoong wanted to cover Junsu’s visibly sexy form up again. He sent a death-glare in Yoochun’s direction who stretched out his tongue at him.
“Okay, I’ll leave the jacket off,” Junsu decided. “Let’s go.”
They left the hair salon together and when they took their seats in the group’s van he told Yoochun how much he hated him.
“Shut up, Hyung. Don’t act like I didn’t do you a major favour, too. You and I both know how much you love the sight.”
“You fucking tease,” he said. Later he found out that Yoochun was right though, he could barely keep his eyes off Junsu. Even when he tried not to look as the cameras flashed their arrival at the scene, he found his eyes following Junsu around every other moment. Yoochun side-eyed him more than once when he turned to him. “You’re so obvious, it’s embarrassing,” his eyes would say. “It’s your fault so, shut up,” he would reply telepathically.
Then he would observe Junsu some more, despite trying not to, and at one point Junsu caught him staring. Jaejoong froze, and didn’t know how to react any other way in front of the cameras, but Junsu loosened his tension by only laughing and asking what was wrong as they looked into each other’s eyes for just a second.
“Nothing,” he whispered, so Junsu shrugged and turned away.
They left the cameras behind and went into the theatre where Jaejoong took the seat next to Junsu, shoving Yoochun purposefully away to the other side.
After the actors introduced themselves, the lights went out and they had a moment of silence before the movie started. Jaejoong took this opportunity to make his move, even though his nervousness was jutting out of his head by then. He looked at Junsu and for the second time Junsu caught him in the act. He didn’t say a word; he looked back and waited for Jaejoong to say something.
“I’ve got to tell you something,” Jaejoong said, collecting his bravery.
“What is it?”
Just in that moment the surround-sound started going off. Fucking great timing, he cursed inwardly. “It can wait.”
Junsu shrugged and turned his head to the screen. The movie began.
He sighed.
“Chicken,” Yoochun whispered from his other side. He threw popcorns at him in reply.
After the movie one of their managers drove them back to the hair salon where they had parked with their individual cars. Only Junsu’s car wasn’t there so, Jaejoong took this opportunity to ask him for his time again.
“Hey Junsu, do you want to come to my place?”
“Um thanks, but it’s late and I’m tired. Another time maybe?”
Sadness and disappointment flooded him. “Should I drop you off then?”
“No, I won’t bother you, I’ll go with the manager.”
“Oh, okay,” he said, “see you tomorrow then.”
“See you tomorrow. Bye Hyung, bye Yoochun!”
“Bye Junsu!” said Yoochun.
“Bye bye, sleep well and don’t be up late!” said Jaejoong.
“Yeah.” They watched Junsu and the manager in the group’s van disappear around the corner till they walked to their own cars.
“Was he mad at me?” Jaejoong asked.
“He seemed so, didn’t he?” said Yoochun.
“Tomorrow I’ll confess to him.”
“I’ve heard this before.”
“Tomorrow it’s really going to happen, Yoochun.”
“I’ll believe it once it’s done. Goodnight, Hyung!”
“Goodnight, see you tomorrow,” said Jaejoong and watched Yoochun also disappear around the corner.
That night Jaejoong slept anything else but good, once he was able to fall asleep his dreams were filled with various Junsus rejecting him in every possible way.
He tried not to let his head hang down the next morning, tried to stay as positive as he could. After all he was going to meet Junsu again which was something at least. Any day with Junsu in it was better than any day without him, and NII shootings were especially nice because there was always a bright atmosphere with Junsu around.
Today Jaejoong would confess to him, he was convinced of it. With that attitude he got ready and made his way to the set.
Yoochun and Junsu were both already there, so he quickly changed into his NII clothes to catch up with them. He greeted them before he got his hair and makeup done, then the two did their individual shoots. After he was also done with his individual shoot, there was a pause where the set was adjusted with different lightening and background, meaning they had to be on standby.
“Hey Yoochunah, where`s Junsu?”
“No idea, the last minute he was walking around here somewhere.”
“Hmm.” Jaejoong searched for him but didn’t find him. Then he pulled out his cell-phone, filming himself to update his fans. “What do you think Junsu is doing?” he asked into the camera. He filmed Yoochun next who sat in front of the mirror and adjusted his hat. “This is Yoochun!” he said.
“Who are you going to show this?”
“Hmm?”
“Who are you going to send this film to?”
“The fans.”
“Ah, can I watch what you were filming?”
“Sure but it isn’t a lot.”
He handed his phone over to Yoochun who replayed the short filmed sequence. A short while later he said, “Hyung, he was right behind you!”
“What?”
“Look, when you started filming, he went through that door.”
Yoochun pointed to the said door, and Jaejoong thanked him, took his phone back and went through it. Junsu was also sitting on a chair in front of a similar mirror. He was fussing with his hair even though Jaejoong found it was already perfectly in place.
“Hey Junsu, can I take a film with you? It’s for the fans,” he asked as he approached Junsu slowly.
“Sure. What do I have to do?” Junsu asked Jaejoong’s mirrored self, not turning around.
“Nothing much,” Jaejoong said and smiled to himself before he embraced Junsu from behind. Junsu stiffened, just when Jaejoong whispered into the sensitive spot of his neck did he unfreeze, it could have also been a shiver running down his spine, Jaejoong wasn’t sure. “a smile would be nice though.”
They did the peace sign together, and Junsu did smile, however forced it looked.
Jaejoong sent the video away and then put his phone into his pocket but he didn’t let go of Junsu.
“Hey Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t come to your Elisabeth performances. You were mad at me, right?”
Junsu sighed and put his hand on top of Jaejoong’s arms that surrounded him. “A bit,” he admitted.
“I knew it. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.”
“I promise I’ll come to your next musical though, all right?”
“All right. Promise you will visit it twice instead.”
Jaejoong smiled at Junsu in the mirror. “I promise.”
Junsu held out his pinkie finger and Jaejoong took it with his own, holding onto it for a long time. Lost in thought, he bent down to kiss the junction between Junsu’s shoulder and back-of-neck.
“Hyung, that tickles!” Junsu giggled, trying to shrug him away. Jaejoong held on.
“Junsu, what are you doing tonight after the shooting?”
“Ehhh…nothing. Why?”
“Come visit me.”
“What?”
“House-warming party, remember? Just you and me, and Yoochun if he has time. It will be fun. I’ll cook dinner for us and we’ll play video games all night long. How does that sound?”
“Okay.”
“What really?” he asked unbelievingly. He didn’t expect Junsu to agree that fast.
“Yes,” Junsu smiled.
“Fantastic!” he beamed. “I’ll go and tell Yoochun!” He left Junsu in a run, excited and afraid at the same time.
The next minute he found Yoochun he told him, “I invited Junsu to my second house-warming party.”
“What about me? Am I not invited?”
“You were invited but you didn’t have time, just to be sure.”
“You’re unbelievable!”
“You apologised because, unfortunately, you have some important filming going on tomorrow so you have to rest earlier for the night.”
“Understood. So you’re going to tell him tonight?”
“Yes, I’m really going to tell him.”
“You’ll call me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“JYJ on the set for the group-shots, please!” the photographer called for them, the standby pause was over.
“Best of luck, Hyung.” Yoochun hugged him.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t forget, no matter what outcome, I’ll be there for you, got it?”
“Got it.”
“Because we’re…”
“Perfect.”
“Exactly.”
After the shooting Junsu was a little perplexed when Yoochun didn’t follow them into the same car. Jaejoong told him the fib without looking into his face, he hoped Junsu wouldn’t be able to read him like Yoochun was.
With his heartbeat ringing in his ears he opened the door to his new apartment for Junsu later. It was the first time Junsu entered it and he wanted Junsu to have a good impression of the place, so he had kept it tidy for the whole week. “Welcome to my home, sweet home.”
His dog Hiro greeted them at the door with loud bellowing, although it was tiny yet.
“Woah, congratulations! It looks awesome. Hi Hiro!”
“Thanks,” he said as he fondly observed how Junsu stroked Hiro’s belly. They took off their shoes and entered the living room, Junsu not letting go of the dog as he did so. “Feel at home and take a look around while I cook us dinner.”
“All right. Wow, so that’s the famous gorilla you keep posting pics about.”
“Oh you saw that? Haha.”
“Yeah, twitter is full of those pics.”
“Haha, its name is Rilala, by the way.”
“Hi Rilala, I’m Junsu.”
Jaejoong shook his head with a smile on his face. “What do you want to eat, Junsu?”
“I’ve longed for your Kimchi stew for quite some time now, Hyung.”
“All right, Kimchi stew it is then,” Jaejoong grinned.
Ten minutes later, Junsu declared he had seen every corner of the house and took a seat at the table next to the kitchen so he could watch Jaejoong cooking. That made him very nervous but luckily he didn’t burn anything.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring any gift for the house, Hyung.”
“It’s okay; I brought you on short notice. You can do that next time.”
“Yeah.”
“You being here is also gift enough for me.”
Junsu laughed at that.
By the time he was finished with the stew, Junsu’s mouth was watering. It was an old trick; make the guest see what you’re cooking and they want to eat it that much more. It worked every time. Junsu ate half the pot all by himself which made him very happy. He found Junsu was much too skinny anyway. While Junsu was still eating, he made Hiro his dinner, too.
“You little rascal,” he told his dog while stroking it behind its ears. “How come you act more loyal to Junsu than to me?”
Hiro ate from his bowl without a care in the world. He laughed.
“The stew was amazing!” Junsu said after dinner and patted his stomach.
“Thanks, do you want some more?”
“No, I think I’m going to burst.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Then have a drink at least, what do you want?”
“A coke will do.”
“Sure.” He put the dirty plates into the dishwasher and then took two cans of coke out of his fridge. “Let’s have these in the game-room.”
Jaejoong’s game-room consisted of a huge LED screen, a very comfortable couch, dimmed lights, and every game-console existent on earth.
Junsu’s eyes shone at the sight of the many games.
“Go on and pick one,” said Jaejoong and Junsu attacked the mountain of CDs, some still unwrapped.
“Oh my God, what to choose, what to choose? This is so hard!”
Jaejoong laughed, he felt like he was watching the little kid that entered Charlie’s chocolate factory.
“Oh my God, what’s FIFA 14 doing on your desk? This isn’t supposed to be out yet!”
“Um, I kind of know one of the creators, it’s a prototype yet.” Junsu side-eyed him. “What?”
“Why am I not surprised in the least? Do your social circles have no end?”
“Hehe. What are you waiting for? Shove it in, let’s have a round.”
Junsu beamed. “All right, but I’m so going to beat you, Hyung.”
“We’ll see.”
One and a half hours later, Junsu beat him in five out of six matches, and that sixth time Jaejoong only beat him because Junsu shot the ball into the wrong goal. Probably because he was very exhausted by that time.
During the seventh match Jaejoong decided it was time to approach the issue before Junsu fell asleep. Even Hiro had made it itself comfortable on Junsu’s lap.
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m approaching your goal and you’re not stopping me.”
“Yeah Hyung.”
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“You’re cute when you’re sleepy.”
“Thanks Hyung.”
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you for driving me home and for protecting me from Seok Cheon-hyung that time when I was drunk. He’s been hitting on me since he broke up with his boyfriend.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Then it was my pleasure, Hyung.”
“Junsu?”
“Hmm?”
“What would you do if I told you something that could change the whole JYJ dynamics?”
Junsu didn’t answer for a long time. “Junsu, are you asleep?”
“No. I’d still want to know what you have to say. I don’t think we should keep secrets from one another at this point.”
“Oh, I agree.”
“Is it something that Yoochun knows?”
“Yeah.”
“For how long?”
“For quite a while.”
“Then don’t you think you should tell me, too, Hyung?”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. Junsu?”
“Yeah Hyung?”
“I love you.”
“I know you’re ga- wait, what?”
“Junsu? Goal.”
“I’m sorry, Hyung, can you repeat that?”
“Goal.”
“No, the other thing.”
“Oh. I said I loved you. What did you think I was going to say?”
Junsu’s eyes were blown wide open, suddenly not looking sleepy one tiny bit. “I thought you were going to come out to me just now!” he screamed, surprising the drowsy Hiro so much that it jumped from his lap, bellowing its protest.
“Why did you think that?”
“There were the signs since Yoochun’s party…”
“Well, am I not doing that, too?”
“Wait Hyung, are you serious?”
Jaejoong blushed furiously. “Is it so ridiculous of me to love you?”
“I didn’t say such a thing-”
“If it is, then let’s forget I ever said such a thing.” He went and sat next to Junsu for a moment. He hugged him and whispered, “I’m sorry. It was a joke. I’ll never do it again.” Then he stood up, took his pack of cigarettes and left for the balcony.
The whole day he didn’t find it necessary to smoke a single cigarette, now he felt like smoking the whole package. When the sound of his barking dog and the front door slamming shut carried over, not even the cool night air could dry the hot tears on his face fast enough. It took him a whole hour to smoke the pack, he was faster than usual, his pulls on each cigarette longer than usual, but his brain still not being foggy enough to bear and handle with the pain in his chest. He didn’t move from the spot he was standing on in the slightest and if the coldness from the night numbed his body, he didn’t care. He would accept death gladly at this point because what was deader than a soul rejected by its love.
Just for a moment he even played with the ludicrous thought to jump past the balustrade. He was curious what it would be like, would it hurt? Much more than the pain he was already feeling? Should he jump? Should he not? Would people notice at this hour? Would people try to prevent it? Probably not. How would they?
His phone ringed. It was Yoochun.
He took the call as a healthy distraction; his last cigarette had burned out anyway. “How was it?”
“Yoochunah… I told him.”
Jaejoong didn’t even have to tell him that it went bad, Yoochun knew from the difference in the colour of his voice.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Hyung!”
“I told him that I loved him and he... left. He left, Yoochun.”
“I'm so sorry, Hyung, this is my entire fault.”
“How on earth is this your fault, Yoochunah?”
“I pushed you! It was me who encouraged you to confess. I thought-”
“No, it was me who wanted to tell him, Yoochunah. Do you know what I can't stop thinking about?”
“What, Hyung?”
“Whitney Houston.”
“I think you've gone barking mad. Don't do anything stupid, Hyung. Stay where you are! I'll be there in five minutes.”
“No, shut up, will you. I'm talking about that Whitney Houston song we used to sing together. I can't stop thinking about this.” Jaejoong started to sing the part in his mind, despite the coldness and all the smoke in his lungs shaking his voice more than normal, not to forget that painful knot in his throat. Important was that he sang with what was left of his heart.
“Don't make me close one more door, I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms if you dare, must I imagine you there?”
A pair of arms encircled him around his middle; scaring him and making him jump on his spot. How he didn't hear the approach was possibly due to his concentration being focused somewhere down beyond the balustrade. Or maybe Yoochun was right and he was going crazy. The body held him harder though, it was as cold as his own felt; real.
“Don't walk away from me.” The body sang against his back, it had Junsu's voice which was impossible since Junsu had left. With his free hand Jaejoong felt for the hands on his stomach, they were as veiny as Junsu's, too. “I have nothing, nothing, nothing... if I don't have you.”
The last note that the voice held faded perfectly away with an experienced ease that only one person that he knew pulled off like this. Jaejoong sobbed.
“Hyung, what is going on in there?”
“You won't believe me...”
“Is that Yoochun on the phone? Give me the phone, please.”
Jaejoong did as he was told as if in trance. One arm around his waist disappeared, leaving behind a stretch of skin that missed the contact.
“Yoochunah,” he heard behind his back, Jaejoong didn't dare to turn around yet. “Can he call you back tomorrow? No, don't come over. No! Jaejoongie-Hyung and I need to talk, in private. No, I can't tell you. No, he'll talk to you tomorrow if he wants to, goodnight!” The call was ended like that and the phone was put into one of his back-pockets, he didn't know if he should find it awkward.
The arms re-tightened around his middle, creating little warmth between them. Jaejoong figured if it was a dream, he didn't ever want to open his eyes.
“I'm sorry I left without saying anything. I needed to clear my mind for a bit, and Hiro needed a walk, too. You can't confine him in here, you know. He needs to get out from time to time.”
Jaejoong couldn't believe his ears. “You took Hiro out for a walk?”
“Yeah, and he loved it.”
“Huh.” He was speechless.
“I'm sorry, I didn't know it would make you smoke all these.” A foot kicked at the dead stubs across the floor, brushing his leg as it did so. “You must have been pained, a lot.”
Jaejoong wanted to agree but his voice was lost for the moment.
“Did you move from this spot at all?”
He shook his head like a five year old child, dreading any chastising words.
“Yeah, I can feel that, you're ice-cold.”
He coughed, clearing his throat. “You're not any better, Junsu.”
“I know… but I needed the fresh air. Come on, let's get inside to warm up so we can talk, yeah?”
Jaejoong shook his head again. He held onto Junsu's arms with both of his as Junsu made attempts to go. He needed to keep this illusion intact.
“Shush, it's okay,” Junsu murmured against his ear, stroking his middle. Jaejoong realised he was sobbing once more only when the comfort slowly calmed him down. “I'm not going to leave again. I'm going to stay and we're going to talk about everything.”
“Can't we talk here?” He asked, dreading the moment Junsu's arms left him.
“Hyung, you'll catch a cold.”
“I don't care.”
A pause followed but Junsu didn't let go of him. He stepped even closer and leaned his head on Jaejoong's shoulder, making him stop breathing for an instant.
“To be honest, I was a little mad at you, Hyung.”
Please don't be
“I kind of knew there was something between Yoochun and you that you wouldn't tell me for a while and it made me feel left out.”
I'm sorry
“I was also upset that you told Yoochun before you told me-”
I'm so sorry
“-but now I think it must have been so hard on you, Hyung. Not being able to tell me for all these years, you must have been scared.”
Yes
“It's only natural you needed someone to talk to, I'm glad Yoochun was there for you.”
Thank you
“Did you really think I was going to ignore it when you told me that you love me?”
Yes
“That I would act as if nothing happened like you told me to?”
“Yes,” he said loudly.
“How on earth could I when everything makes much more sense? I've had time to think about it during the walk. Over the years you've been doing everything I asked of you, without ever asking for something in return… you were so selfless and it just makes so much sense!”
It does?
“I told you to go blond all those years ago and you did although it was such a drastic change for you. I told you to go into the rock genre and you blindly did! I told you to promise me to stay by my side and you foolishly did! I even named your dog Vick! Do you love me that much, Hyung?”
You have no idea, he wanted to say. “You finally noticed,” he said instead.
“I'm so stupid- and I came to you after every one of my break-ups, talking to you about my love-life! I'm so sorry. It must have been really hard to bear that.”
“I was jealous,” he admitted.
“Of course you were! Is that why you didn't come to watch Elisabeth either? God, even that makes sense now!”
Jaejoong nodded, his hair stroking Junsu's cheek.
“You must have thought I was going to reject you.”
“Aren't you? You left after all.”
Junsu avoided the answer. “Did you have crazy thoughts while I went out? Like the world would end so it wouldn't hurt to jump down here?”
“You know what heart-ache is like.”
“Don't even go there, Hyung. Don't you ever think about that again.” Junsu had his stern, dead-serious voice on. “I'm sorry I didn't read the signs, Hyung. You were so obvious when I think about it, but I didn't realise how you felt.” Junsu's words reminded him of Yoochun's, like a déjà-vu.
“It’s funny how I heard this before. Why do you guys keep apologising when it's me who can't control myself? I should be the one to apologise.”
“Hyung, you can't control who you fall in love with. It just happens.”
“Yeah but I could have told you earlier. I still should apologise for bringing you in this uncomfortable situation so, I’m sorry. Come on; let's get it over with the rejection. No need to drag it out. I'll survive it, I promise.”
“Don't be sorry for confessing your honest feelings to me, Hyung. Even if I might not feel the same way-”
“I knew it.” Jaejoong was ready to accept defeat.
“I'm not going to reject you.”
“You… you're not?”
“How could I when I should be thankful for them?”
“What?” Maybe Junsu was barking mad at this point, too.
“You know how much I value your trust and constant presence in my life, Hyung. I might not love you the same way that you love me, but I do. Any person in this world would be lucky to receive so much of your love, Hyung. Just remember your millions of fan girls… and fan boys.”
“But they’re not you.”
“That’s why I’m saying thank you that you're giving it to me.”
“You're just saying that because you're too nice to reject me,” he said bitterly.
“I think the coldness is finally messing with your brain, Hyung," Junsu chuckled into his side. “I just told you that I'm willing to give us a chance.”
Us, what a beautiful word, thought Jaejoong, too beautiful to be true.
“Please don't lie to me, Junsu. It's not funny at this point.”
Junsu sighed into his shoulder-blades and unwound his arms. If it were an illusion, it would break at this point, Jaejoong would find himself being lonely again, and he would be talking to Yoochun on the phone to distract himself from dark thoughts.
There was no such thing though.
Junsu's hoarse voice still reached his ears. “Tell you what, Hyung, I'll go back inside and you'll follow me when you're ready to deal with this. I promise I won't leave. I will wait for you and we’ll decide what to do next.”
The balcony-door was opened and closed with the wind. Once again he was alone, and he realised how bad that was. All kinds of thoughts crossed his mind.
Behind his balcony’s door a whole world with new opportunities awaited him, yet he was standing here in the cold night. Maybe everything was just a sick dream of his, maybe he would wake up in the morning and nothing would be changed. Maybe he would wake up and notice he already got rejected. Maybe Junsu’s presence was just a ghost in his head.
But what if it weren’t? What if Junsu were indeed waiting inside, ready to begin anything with him? What if they did begin a relationship and everything would go wrong? What if Junsu realised he didn’t want to be together with another man at all? What if it just didn’t work out between the two of them, and what if they couldn’t go on to be in one group after that?
Jaejoong pondered over all these little scenarios for a long time, anxious over each.
Was it worth a try though, if there were just the slightest quantity of a positive outcome?
Definitely
As long as Junsu could be waiting inside, they could begin something, and they could become happy together, Jaejoong decided it was definitely worth a try.
After what felt like hours Jaejoong turned around and walked away from the balustrade. His body was still numb with coldness but the feeling was returning to some of his fingers as he tore the door open and re-entered his apartment. Everything was dark inside, too, except for the far away dim light of his game-room. He staggered to it cautiously, fearing what awaited him, and what not.
The LED screen was turned off, that was the first thing that he noticed. The stack of video games was also tidied up to its right order. There was his ordinary couch, but Junsu, his wonderful Junsu was sitting on it. A heavy stone that weighed down his patched up heart dissolved at the sight of him looking at the black screen with dark circles under his eyes while his hands played with the fur of Hiro on his lap.
Jaejoong took out his phone and captured the image, it was an old habit. He wanted to keep all these little secret images to himself to analyse and adore them later. Maybe that wasn’t necessary anymore, he reconsidered. He put his phone away.
He stepped forward and drew Junsu’s attention that followed his every move. He was tired so, when Jaejoong took Hiro out of his lap and placed his dog on the floor next to their feet Junsu didn’t protest. He didn’t protest either when Jaejoong slowly claimed the place on Junsu’s lap. He wrapped his knees around Junsu’s thighs and his arms around Junsu’s shoulders while never breaking the eye-contact with him. He was nervous but he tried not to show it. “You’re much warmer than me now,” he told him.
Junsu didn’t say a word, his hands however wandered into Jaejoong’s hair, stroking his strands up and down in that familiar rhythm. “I love your hands,” he purred. “Did you know they’re the reason why I started to like you?”
“Really? No wonder you kept telling around that your ideal had pretty hands.”
“Do you remember that time when Yoochun fought with me and I was really down?”
“Yeah.”
“What was that about again?”
“Yoochun’s love-interest was in love with you instead, so he was mad at you.”
“Really? But that’s so stupid since I couldn’t do anything about it.”
“It was stupid.”
“Anyway, you came and comforted me like this, that’s when it started.”
“That was ages ago.”
“I know,” he said and leaned his head on Junsu’s shoulder, enjoying the closeness and how Junsu didn’t stop stroking him. “I also love how you love each of my pets more than me. After they’ve been treated by you, they rarely remember who their master is.”
“That’s because you don’t treat them that well. Pets need a walk in the nature from time to time, and they need to be petted like this.” Jaejoong closed his eyes at the caresses along his scalp, he felt like he could finally fall into a restful slumber. “But it’s okay, it’s because you didn’t experience this, that’s why you wouldn’t know, Hyung.”
“I love how you understand me so well, Junsu. You’re the only one patient enough. You and Yoochun.”
“But I’m more patient than Yoochun.”
Jaejoong smiled into Junsu’s shoulder. “You are,” he said as he turned his nose to Junsu’s neck and sniffed at the intoxicating scent. “Junsuyah?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
The hands stopped stroking his hair so Jaejoong sat up to look into Junsu’s eyes again.
He was relieved to see kindness in them and to feel the hands coming around his torso instead.
“Thank you for entrusting your heart with me, Hyung. I promise I won’t break it,” Junsu spoke softly between them.
“Junsu, I don’t want you to feel obligated to start something with me out of pity.”
“It’s not out of pity!”
“It’s not? I would hate you if it was.”
“I said it’s not!”
“Okay, I just wanted to check.”
Junsu was chewing his lips and Jaejoong couldn’t stop looking at them. He didn’t know whether Junsu was doing it on purpose or not.
“Junsu?”
“Mmm?”
“I really want to kiss you.”
Junsu’s jaw dropped open. “Right now?” He asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, right now.”
“O-okay,” he said while his cheeks gained a healthy pink colour. “W-what should I do? Will you do it or should I-”
Jaejoong smiled at his sudden shyness. “Just close your eyes and let me do the rest.”
“A-all right.”
He carefully enclosed Junsu’s face within his hands, angled his own head and leaned forward till he could tell every single one of Junsu’s lashes apart. Junsu was hissing when he was just a breath away and he was starting to squint his eyes again which reminded Jaejoong of the cornfield-almost-kiss. “I… can’t do it. Not like this,” Jaejoong whispered.
All at once two hands pressed into the back of his neck which made him advance forward.
“Mmpf!”
It was hard when he bumped against Junsu’s lips, but Junsu made up for it with cute, massaging movements. It was like Junsu’s magical hands in his hair, he knew exactly how to comfort. Jaejoong took over from then on, sucking on the cherry-red skin that he had wanted to taste for years. It was better than what he had always imagined. Junsu was very cooperative when he pushed the lips apart with a wet tongue, leaving behind a trace of his saliva on Junsu’s mouth, as if to mark the entrance as his. And when their tongues touched, it was like a jigsaw was solved, two puzzle pieces finally clicking into place. This was what Jaejoong had always wanted to feel during a kiss, what he had looked for and hadn’t found. Because none of his previous kisses had been with Junsu.
He was so into it and leaning all of his weight on Junsu that the latter fell backwards against the couch with Jaejoong hovering over him. When Jaejoong readjusted his hips, Junsu put on the brakes and pushed at his chest.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to-” he immediately excused himself.
“You were sucking on my tonsils…” Junsu said out of breath.
“You’re a good kisser, and you taste delicious,” Jaejoong offered with a grin. A new blush blossomed on Junsu’s cheeks, he kissed it just before Junsu shoved at him again.
“And you taste like an ashtray.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Let me sit up when you are.” He helped Junsu up and hugged him with his whole body again. He left a kiss on Junsu’s sensitive neck before he put his chin on Junsu’s shoulder once more.
“Please be my boyfriend, Junsu,” he murmured.
“On one condition,” Junsu said and connected his arms around Jaejoong’s back.
“What is it?”
“Quit smoking. I want you to show me that you’re worth it and that you’re earnest about your feelings, Hyung.”
“But that’s hard!”
“I’m not going to let you kiss me again if you don’t stop!”
Jaejoong chuckled. He felt gloriously happy which he hadn’t done in ages. “All right. I’ll do it for you but give me time.”
“I’ll give you time till New Year’s. You can come and check up on me after that, Hyung.”
“That’s a long time till then!”
“We won’t see each other before that anyway, Hyung, what with you being busy with your second album preparations and me with my next musical.”
Next musical, it hit Jaejoong like a fist to his intestines. He sat up and gazed worriedly into Junsu’s eyes.
“I also got a condition, Junsu.”
“What is it?”
“Please don’t date anyone else till I quit smoking.”
“What, you mean I can do it after that?”
“Very funny.”
“I know.”
“I’m serious, Junsu.”
“Don’t worry. You know how loyal I am once I commit myself to someone.”
Jaejoong smiled bitter-sweetly at the memory of Junsu’s past relationships. “I do.”
“That does not mean I don’t want exclusivity in return though.”
“That won’t be a problem,” he coughed. He didn’t mention that he was one kind of loyal to Junsu for years now. “I still want you to keep the skin-ship within a limit during your new musical.”
Junsu had an evil grin that contorted his beautiful face. “Are you jealous?”
Oh, honey, you have no idea. “I’m very jealous.”
Junsu giggled into his face, which was adorable in every other situation. In that situation, it pissed Jaejoong off.
“Shut up! I hate you.”
“I would believe you if you didn’t wrinkle your nose, Hyung.”
Jaejoong gasped. “How do you know that? Did Yoochun tell you?”
“It was me who told Yoochun about this detail.”
“What? That’s not fair! How come I don’t know these things about you guys?”
Junsu hugged him tighter. “I’m sure you do, Hyung. Just close your eyes and think about it. What does Yoochun always do before a fib?”
Jaejoong did as he was told. He closed his eyes and imagined Yoochun telling him something utterly ridiculous. He observed his facial expression with his inner eye, and then he saw it. “He keeps sucking his lips inwardly but since he’s a bad liar he bursts out laughing a second after anyway.”
“Exactly,” Junsu’s breath was not far from his ear. “What do I do?”
Jaejoong’s own breath hitched and he felt warm. He knew what Junsu was doing during a lie, he had always known it. “Your hands go to the back of your neck to scratch the short hair there.”
“Amazing how well we know each other without really realising it, right?”
Jaejoong opened his eyes and blocked Junsu’s line of vision. He had an impulsive idea.
“Junsu, do you think that we’ll make a good couple one day?”
Junsu stared at him, baffled. One of his hands rose to the back of his neck out of reflex. Jaejoong intervened and held it hostage with his own.
“Don’t you even dare lie. I know all of your secrets.”
“Damn.”
“Junsu, I warn you,” he threatened.
Junsu closed his eyes and hung his head low. “I think that we’ll be great together.”
Jaejoong was completely enamoured of Junsu all over again. “Aww, you really think so?”
“Yes, and I’m going to deny it if you ever ask me again.”
“You’re cute when you pout.”
Junsu yawned.
“You’re also cute when you’re sleepy.”
“So I heard.”
Jaejoong stood up from Junsu’s lap and took him by the hand. “Let’s go to sleep, love.”
“What did you just call me?”
“Nothing, you must be hallucinating,” said Jaejoong. What Junsu didn’t see was that he wrinkled his nose.
-
Four months passed and Jaejoong was on the way to keep one of his promises. Christmas was spent busily at work and he didn’t see much of his members in weeks. His second album was a hit on various charts, just as Junsu’s new musical was in the theatres. December was everything everybody ever talked about these days and he was on his way to surprise-visit Junsu and convince himself of the musicals’ awesomeness.
Now that his concerts were over and that he had time, Jaejoong could show Junsu that he kept his promises from September. Jaejoong didn’t only successfully quit smoking over New Year’s, he was also going to visit December twice, but Junsu had yet to find out about that.
Jaejoong didn’t go alone the first time; he brought half the C-JeS entourage with him to support Junsu in masses. He was sad that Yoochun couldn’t make it since he was busy filming for his new drama and movie, but Yoochun sent his brother Yoohwan on his behalf.
Before the show they gave supporting interviews together and individually, and Jaejoong got so excited that he made a complete fool of himself when it was his turn. He knew he was being silly when he saw Yoohwan in a corner palming his own face in shared embarrassment.
“I hope you only have a little ski-skin-ship with the female actresses…” Jaejoong stuttered during his interview, as if everybody else needed to know that he was being jealous. To cover his silliness he started to giggle, a thing that Junsu usually did, not him. “Hehe… and it would be nice if you focused more on your acting performance. Fighting! Hehehe.” At this point Yoohwan burst out laughing, too.
The horrible thing was, he wasn’t even drunk and he was behaving like that. No, he was just in love.
He was so in love that he didn’t care about the cameras filming the various hugs that he shared with Junsu in greeting. Yoohwan told him later that it looked like he couldn’t keep his fingers off Junsu, maybe he was right. The surprise was a total success though; Junsu couldn’t believe the group of them waltzed in in his support only so he kept asking what was wrong when Jaejoong hugged him yet again. “What’s up, huh?”
“What what’s up?” asked Jaejoong innocently.
“Is today a special day or something?”
“Every day you perform in a musical is a special day.”
Junsu laughed in disbelief, but his whole face was glowing which was a rare sight. This boosted Jaejoong’s ego immensely because for the first time it was him who was causing that glow and not one of Junsu’s previous girlfriends.
Now it was only them, and another couple of kissing scenes he had to endure.
But it was half as bad when Jaejoong knew that Junsu was loyal to him. “That was a horrible kiss, the girl has no chance against me, she doesn’t even know how to hold him,” he kept whispering to Yoohwan during the performance who found Jaejoong was exhibiting a totally hilarious behaviour anyhow.
“There’s one thing I can’t deny, Hyung. It’s never ever boring with you around.”
“My pleasure, Yoohwan. I’m glad I’m amusing you so much.”
After the show Jaejoong locked himself up in Junsu’s dressing room with Yoohwan on the lookout behind the door. They had agreed upon a secret sequence of knocking signals which was going to warn him if someone came by. Yoohwan guaranteed him five minutes of silence at least.
Junsu was sitting on his chair in front of the make-up table and enjoying the display.
“You Mister, are in big trouble,” Jaejoong pointed an excusing finger at him. “Did you clean your shameful mouth yet?”
Junsu grinned but shook his head. “Will you do that for me, Hyung?”
Jaejoong walked up on him and got a comfortable seat on Junsu’s lap. “All right,” he said and took a wet tissue from the make-up table to wipe at Junsu’s mouth with it. Junsu observed him calmly, letting it happen as if he gloried in the attention. When Jaejoong was done, he briefly kissed Junsu on the lips, reclaiming his territory. “There, all clean and better,” he declared.
“Thanks. You look marvellous today, Hyung. Did you dress up for me?”
Jaejoong smiled. “Oh, you noticed. It’s for you, and for the cameras. Your acting was outstanding, by the way.”
Junsu’s arms wandered around his waist and pulled him closer, he almost gasped. “Really?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not jealous anymore.”
“I heard that you quit smoking, Hyung.”
Jaejoong lightened up at the change of topic, “Yes. I’m wonderful, aren’t I?”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“You know what that means?”
“What, Hyung?”
“That your ass is mine.”
“Oh, I didn’t know my ass was part of the deal.”
“You know what I mean. You are now my-”
Junsu laughed in that melodious way of his. “Boyfriend, I know. Thank you for keeping your promise and for having visited me today, Hyung.”
“It’s my pleasure. I’m here to collect my reward.”
“What reward?”
Jaejoong smirked. He put his arms around Junsu’s neck and leaned forward till their mouths touched. It was soft and nice to play with Junsu’s thick lips, but he didn’t stop till he could part them to suck on the sweet nectar in Junsu’s mouth instead. He groaned when Junsu did the same to him, Junsu hadn’t done that before. It surprised and aroused him all together. Following a series of knocking sounds, he broke away from Junsu.
“You don’t taste like an ashtray anymore…” Junsu mumbled while panting uncontrollably.
“Surprise, surprise. What do I taste like now?”
“I don’t know what it is but it’s tasty.”
Jaejoong grinned as he stood up, he bent down for just another brief moment to speak into Junsu’s ear. “You can find out what it is the next time I visit you.”
Junsu’s eyes shone brightly which pleased him. He knew it meant a lot to Junsu. “You’ll visit me again, Hyung?”
“I promised, remember? I said I’ll watch it twice.”
“When will you come again?”
“Ah, but I’m not going to give away the date, it would ruin the surprise effect, wouldn’t it?” He winked.
“That’s so mean.”
The door burst open with two female stylists and one distressed Yoohwan intruding into the room.
They didn’t complain about the impudence.
Jaejoong only complained when the stylists touched his Junsu way too intimately. It looked like they were exploiting their role too much.
“Yoohwanah,” he whispered, “did one of them just touch his butt?”
“I think so, Hyung,” Yoohwan whispered back.
“Junsuya, can I talk to you in private for a second?”
“What is it?” asked Junsu when they were alone in a corner of the room.
Jaejoong removed invisible lint from Junsu’s shoulders as he smiled dangerously. “What are they doing?”
“They help me getting in and out of the musical outfits. Why?”
“Tell them that you’re committed by the end of the day or I won’t come back.”
“Are you jealous again?” Junsu grinned from ear to ear.
“Oh yes, I’m jealous and I’m threatening you which is never a good combination.”
“I like it when you’re feisty.”
“That’s at least one thing that you like about me. By the end of the day, I’m warning you, Junsu!”
“All right,” said Junsu and took him into his arms to squeeze him which consoled him a little. “And there are a lot of things that I like about you, Hyung.”
Junsu’s warmth and scent worked like a tranquilliser on him. “Will you tell me what they are?”
“I’ll tell you on your next visit.”
“That’s so mean.”
“So are you, Hyung.”
“Well, now I’ll definitely have to come back.”
“I’ll look forward to it.”
“Bye bye Junsu,” Jaejoong squeezed him tight for a last time, taking in breaths full of Junsu’s ambrosial odour.
“Bye, Hyung, till I see you again.”
Junsu let go of him and Jaejoong clapped him lightly on the butt in farewell. It was worth it to see how Junsu blushed in front of the stylists.
“Come on, Yoohwan, let’s go!”
“Are we going? Bye Junsu-hyung!”
“Bye Yoohwanah, give Yoochun my best regards!”
They left the dressing room and closed the door behind them but Jaejoong lingered around for a minute longer.
“Are we spying, Hyung?” asked Yoohwan.
“Shht!” Jaejoong hushed him. “I want to know if he’s going to tell them.”
“Tell them what?”
“Hush!”
Junsu was talking with the stylists; their voices were muffled by the door but still recognisable when he was quiet enough.
“The trousers are next.”
“I’ll do that by myself, thanks. Hey you’ve got a pretty eye-liner there.”
Jaejoong’s eyes narrowed.
The stylists chuckled. “Thanks.”
“Where did you buy that?”
“I bought it at the shopping-mall close-by, it’s the new one by Clio. Why?”
“I thought I should get my girlfriend one of those.”
Jaejoong was scandalised. “Did he just make me his girlfriend?”
“Hyung, isn’t it the thought that counts?” whispered Yoohwan.
“Oh, you’ve got a girlfriend?” said one of the stylists. Jaejoong bet she got disappointed. His mood, however, went proportionally up.
“Yeah,” said Junsu.
Jaejoong nodded, that was it, Junsu had kept his words. Not like he had imagined it but he told them anyway.
The rumour mill was enlivened now, and Jaejoong hoped that the girls spread the news of Junsu being out of the market. It was time to go.
“Yoohwanah,” he spoke in low tones. “Let’s leave on tip-toes.”
Yoohwan put his thumbs up and also spoke under his breath, “okay, Hyung. I feel like I’m in a James Bond movie.”
Jaejoong suppressed a laugh at how silly they looked. “Thrilling, right?”
“Did I tell you that it’s never boring with you, Hyung?”
“I think you did, but you can always repeat that part.”
“It’s never boring with you, never ever.”
-
<--Part 1 - Epilogue