02: Every sperm is sacred or; uncomfortable vaginal situations are fucking inevitable.

[jamesmcvoy]

It absolutely goes without saying that your life changes when you sign your soul away. It also goes without saying that you, be you man or woman, must alter certain habits. Stop humming whilst you brush your teeth. Stop that before you co-habitate. That nasty habit, while cute in the beginning, will turn into a fucking nuisance a few years down the

Comments

[chsev]

I'm still reeling from vaginal infections and the scene that you painted for me, give me a few minutes.

[jamesmcvoy]

Take your time, Chloe. These things are rarely pleasant, I know. Take a deep breath, relax. Walk around, stretch...then come back and have another giggle.

[jamesmcvoy]

What now, Headey? More fruit salad?

[jamesmcvoy]

ARE YOU STILL ON ABOUT THAT? GOOD FUCK. I'm practically senile! You're lucky I remember your name.

[samr]

That's important information if I ever choose to tie the knot. And a TMI PSA: I've wasted many sacred swimmers.

[jamesmcvoy]

It's the only information you'll need, promise. Then you're a terrible follower of Cathol, Sam Riley. May you burn in hell.

[rashidajones]

I got to vaginal infections and made a noise equivalent to verbal random lettering. It's too early in the am for this, McAvoy.

[jamesmcvoy]

I actually thought you said "I got a vaginal infection..." and did much of the same until I bothered to stop screaming at your icon. It's never too early, Sheena E. Never.

[rashidajones]

In the interest of preserving what few remaining threads of sanity we have left, I think we should stick to swapping tales from the hood and not personal lady problems. Some things should never be mentioned before breakfast, Morris D.

[jamesmcvoy]

You've completely lost it, Foxy Brown. Swapping tales from the hood is in the same league as sharing personal lady problems. Both are very uncomfortable to admit, both lead to desperate fits of hysterics, both leave us craving for a 40 of Old E and a bag of Flaming Hots. Bet you didn't know I knew about those, did you.

[annemarie_duff]

Well, cheers. Now nobody can look at you without thinking of curtain-togas, and nobody will be able to look at me without thinking that I'm reaching for trousers that are too tight. And yet when have you ever turned to me and said, "Anne-Marie, darling. Lover. Friend. You can see right through that top"? Yeah, never. I don't know if you kept your gob shut due to some erotic knowledge that there wasn't a bra there or because you just thought it was funny, but it's probably best for you, me, the couch and the bed that you don't expound upon that one.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't expect marriage to a slightly younger man to be difficult. Kind of like adopting an overgrown child that is working his way through all of Freud's stages with manic glee. (Do not touch me there.) But you were new to marriage and so was I, and I didn't expect it to be some sort of fairytale. If I could cohabitate with you, might as well get the bonuses out of it, right? Sharing your space with anyone is uncomfortable, even more so when you know that you'

[jamesmcvoy]

Thing is, Annie, your skimpy fucking tops won't lead to rabid tit chafing. Were that the case? I'd slap them off your chest in a very Conan-like fashion. YOU. WOMAN. MAKE TITS FLAKE. TAKE OFF SHIRT. Complete with chest thumping and the like. But in all truth, it's probably a mix of both. What is erotic will always be hysterical.

I'm skipping all that piss to focus on one thing: your arse and your aversion to my sticking it. Just let it happen. I can always get you pissed and do it anyway. You won't know the difference and I'm not so full of myself to say I won't stoop that low. Haha what's this rot, Pretty? You're still getting paid. Waggle waggle.

HAHAHA WHAT A FOUL WENCH YOU ARE TO MENTION THOSE THINGS IN PUBLIC. No one cares a toss about any of that and I CAN'TBELIEVEYOUWENTHERE. You're so lucky I still feel guilty about giving you the flu or else you'd be on the sofa. BEAUTIFUL ENDEARMENTS OR NOT.

[annemarie_duff]

If I had any interest in seduction whatsoever, I'd actually log that in my mind somewhere. Or if I really wanted to contribute to your tits chafing by refusing to get topless while you're eagerly awaiting it. Bouncing up and down like you do. Since when are you from the Highlands? Christ. Yes, that's why I laugh in bed.

Well, you are going to pay for saying that. Pretty remarks aside, what kind of a woman do you think I am? And you'll just retort that I'm one silly enough to marry you, which is true. But I do have a little bit of dignity, and I'm saving it for our five year wedding anniversary. So fuck off.

LIKE YOU'RE NOT EQUALLY FOUL TO MENTION ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN THIS POST? You're supposed to be the one to protect me, not to lead a smear campaign against me by rendering me human! You'd just be tackling me on the sofa, waggling profusely. Sigh.

[jamesmcvoy]

I can't believe you just said that. Scratch it. I can. Doesn't make you any less of a sodding liar, you beautiful beast of a bitch, you. Just for that, I'm not getting your fags in the morning. You're entirely on your own.

I think you're a woefully misguided woman who doesn't know what's best for her or her arse, of course. ...but that, too! Hahah dignity. YOU fuck off with that. You lost the luxury of dignity the moment you said "...yeah, okay. I do."

HAHAH BUT YOU LIKE IT, YOU DAFT COW. And I do protect you. In the way that matters, at least. I keep you warm when we're out for a walk, I light your fags, creepily rub your shoulders when you're cold. I even wring and hang your knickers when you leave them in the sink. The least you can do for me is be human; the least. IIIIII'm waggling profusely now.