Fic: Home is where the heart is.
Title: Home is where the heart is
Author: jamie2109
Artist: writinchica2k
Beta(s): @psychosm1212
Word Count: ~23.5k
Rating: R (for language)
Characters/Pairings: Adam/Tommy
Content/Warnings/Enticements: Nope.
Summary: Twenty years later, a bit of tell-all interview.
A/N: Someone asked a question and the answer was, ‘We’ll never know unless twenty years down the track someone writes a tell-all book,’ as they tend to do, and everyone around at the time says, ‘I knew it!’ Well, I figured that I might not care in twenty years (or I might be dead), so I’d write my own version of it. That’s how this story began its journey. It doesn’t cover the whole time period, as that could be left for a sequel if I become inspired by something specific. Unfortunately, there is no sex in this story, so if you’re after that - sorry. It’s mentioned, though.
Anyway, thank you to my beta, @psychosm1212, and @2pussycat for the read through and thanks to everyone else who encouraged me when writing became difficult.
And a huge big thank you to writinchica2k for the amazing artwork developed from a pretty rough, unfinished draft. <333
Huge disclaimer here: This is FICTION. I’m not saying any of this is true at all. Events have been altered to fit the story line and readers should not think that’s how they happened.
Link to fic master post: AO3 / LJ / DW
Link to art master post: AO3 / LJ / DW
We’re treated to a cacophony of noise as Adam Lambert opens the door. He’s smiling and relaxed, dressed casually, even barefooted, but then it’s his home and we’re the guests.
His house, his rules.
This was made very clear to us before he agreed to this series of interviews. Or agreed to allow us to include his long-time guitarist in the interviews we’re doing to celebrate his twenty years in the business since he was runner up on American Idol. Tommy’s never been one to enjoy too much media attention.
It’s been made very clear to us that we are to take Adam as we find him today. In the past that’s usually meant being surrounded by entourage, and Tommy. Today it means being surrounded by - and being attacked at the knees by - assorted family members and children. And Tommy, of course, we assume.
Adam smiles apologetically and removes a small child about 4 years old from around his knees, swinging the urchin up and onto his hip, an action clearly familiar to him. He’s comfortable in his skin these days, still maddeningly attractive despite the years.
‘This,’ he says tweaking the child’s nose causing her to giggle and squirm, ‘is Abby McCrabby. So called because she is a cranky little thing. Don’t let appearances fool you.’ He grins at the child who pouts prettily at him.
‘Tell Tommy on you. I am not cranky!’ she says and even I can tell she would be a handful in a bad mood.
‘Alright, Missy, you go and tell Tommy that the lady is here to do the interview.’
He swings her to the ground and leans down to kiss her forehead.
‘Okay, Daddy,’ she says before scampering off, yelling ‘Tommy!’ at the top of her voice.
Adam merely rolls his eyes and shakes his head at her and then beckons us to follow. He leads us through the comfortable house to some huge double French doors that open, to my surprise, onto a panorama of garden, lawns, play equipment and the like. While that’s all very normal, the surprising thing is that the yard clearly adjoins the neighbouring house. I want to ask about the house but just as I open my mouth to speak, Adam asks if we want a drink. By the time that’s all sorted, the moment to ask about the house has passed.
*****
We’re sitting outside on the spacious patio. There are several children and friends playing happily in the pool some distance away. Some I recognise, some I don’t. The sun has brought out the casual, relaxed Adam, and his smile reminds one that while he’s almost fifty he still has that boy next door look; youthful despite there being no trace of the pancake makeup of his early days. Adam Lambert looks years younger than he should and it’s disconcerting as much for the fact that it’s clear he’s had no cosmetic surgery to help, as it is that he has for the most part escaped the ravages hard drinking and drugs often take on rock stars.
Adam’s eyes drift to the children often and he smiles easily, eyes full of love, but when he looks at Tommy sitting opposite him, I’m wondering how I could possibly offer this man anything in the way of conversation that could make him want to divert his attention away from Tommy. It feels voyeuristic just being there, watching them.
And all over again the question arises. Why are they not together?
It’s been well documented that Tommy joined the band as the bass player but right from the start the fans and Adam saw much more in him than that. He was always different from the rest of the band and not just because Adam singled him out and spent most of the first tour making out with him on stage. It seemed that he charmed whoever he came into contact with; there was always some mention of Tommy made whenever he accompanied Adam anywhere.
It’s also well documented that after Adam began seeing the boy from Finland, things changed. Adam calls that the darkest period in his life where he sunk to such lows of depression and addiction that he wasn’t sure he’d ever get out.
What isn’t so well documented is that Adam credits Tommy with dragging him kicking and screaming out of the career wrecking, life threatening slide into the dark.
‘Tommy saved my life,’ Adam says seriously, while Tommy sinks further back into his chair and pretends not to have heard. His blush gives him away though. ‘I’m serious,’ Adam continues. ‘If it hadn’t been for Tommy threatening to leave, I might not have pulled myself out of that spiral in time.’
‘Don’t be so melodramatic,’ Tommy says, rolling his eyes as he turns to speak to me. ‘I’m sure the sound of his career tanking would have made him realise what he was doing. Eventually.’
I turn to Adam and ask, ‘What happened?’ The details of that period of Adam’s life aren’t well known, despite there being a public activity in the form of a second album, some promo shows and a short tour. Of course that period also included the infamous overnight jail time in Finland, drunken party nights and more than one report of loud fighting between Adam and his then boyfriend.
‘Do you want the long story or the short story?’ Adam laughs and adds, ‘And before Tommy jumps in and reminds me that I cannot tell a short story, they’re both long.’
Tommy’s leg bounces and his toe bumps Adam’s shin. ‘Dick,’ he says fondly. ‘I’d say nothing of the sort.’
‘Liar,’ Adam replies, still smiling. ‘Story time with Abby usually takes hours because I can’t stop myself.’
‘Likes the sound of his own voice, this one,’ Tommy teases.
‘My voice pays the bills,’ Adam shoots back.
‘Surely that means you should be conserving it, dude.’ He’s softly spoken, and over the years the language has mellowed. I assume it’s because of the children. I’d earlier been told by Tommy that he has two children and it’s clear by the pride in his voice that they mean everything to him. ‘You’re not as young as you used to be.’ A mischievous grin breaks out over Tommy’s face and it strikes me.
He’s also still devastatingly gorgeous.
‘I’ll listen to whichever story you’re willing to tell,’ I say, grateful beyond measure that I’ve been afforded this privilege.
Adam thinks for a moment and then seems to make a decision. ‘Perhaps we should start at the start,’ he says and reaches over to take Tommy’s hand, lacing their fingers together. ‘Or, in the middle somewhere, actually.’ Of course I try not to think anything of it; the two of them have always been extremely affectionate on stage. And they’ve been playing together so long now that I should expect a level of intimacy that respects the length of their friendship.
I fail terribly, because it’s Adam and Tommy, and when have I ever been dispassionate about them?
It’s the fact that their fingers are laced together that indicates this is different, and there’s a buzzing behind my ears that makes me wonder if I am still breathing. My world seems to have tilted on its axis and nothing is what I thought.
‘It all started with a kiss,’ Tommy says, smiling at Adam like I’m not even there.
‘That kiss?’ I ask. Squeak. Everyone knows what that kiss was. The AMA kiss that broke a network. They both nod.
‘So you’ve been together this whole time?’
They both look at me and laugh. ‘Oh, shit no,’ Tommy replies, while Adam shrugs. ‘Well, not quite. Took me way longer than that to get my head out of my ass and realise what was going on. But if there’d been no kiss we wouldn’t be where we are today, that’s for damned sure.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well,’ Tommy smiles at Adam and then looks at me. ‘All the backlash and shit Adam put up with after that kiss really brought us closer together. Might have happened anyway, but it was a friendship formed on mutual admiration; we thought alike on so many things, but it was forged in steel afterwards.’
‘That’s right.’ Adam nods. ‘I thought I’d killed my career before it had even really begun but Tommy stuck by me and at times it felt like us against the world, you know. That kind of experience and that kind of loyalty earns trust and respect that becomes an integral part of you and you know it will never go away.’
He’s so intense and so sincere that you can’t help but feel envious of the deep bond they must share.
‘And of course, him making out with me on stage through most of the Glam Nation tour didn’t help much either. We kind of lived in each other’s pockets for six months. After that, I couldn’t get rid of him,’ Tommy jokes.
‘Like I tried,’ Adam shoots back. ‘I really tried, but he just up and informed the world that unless I slapped him across the face and told him to get out of my life, he was not going anywhere.’ Tommy grins at him. ‘And how could anyone slap that face?’
‘Sap,’ I say, finally recovering enough to join in their banter.
‘And proud of it. We could all use some more sap in our lives.’
‘You’re getting worse though. Every time one of the kids does something cute, you’re all “let me get my camera,” or sniffing into a tissue.’
‘Look who’s talking, Mr what-are-we-going-to do-when-they-leave-home.’
Tommy scowls playfully. ‘I’m older than you, and grumpy old men with grey hair and saggy tits are allowed to get emotional. It’s a rule.’
Adam laughs a full, rich laugh and I’d swear he looks no more than thirty-five. After a moment Tommy chuckles and I don’t feel bad about letting a giggle escape. Even Frank the camera man offers a smile.
‘Anyway, back to the story. I’ve got thousands of questions, but perhaps they’ll all be answered if the two of you just tell me your story. Your fans would string me up if I came away with this news and had no story to back it up.’
Adam looks at Tommy and takes a deep breath, sober now. ‘No backing out now, Tommy. You up for this?’
‘I haven’t changed my mind, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
‘I know, but you’ve got the biggest story to tell, you had the longest journey to get here, I’m just making sure.’
Tommy squeezes Adam’s hand and nods. ‘I’m cool with it, dude. We decided it needed to be told.’
Adam smiles at him proudly and then starts his story.
‘It all happened like this…’
*****
‘You’ve heard of love at first sight, haven’t you? Well, the first time I saw Tommy something in my mind snapped and I thought I’d gone crazy.’ Tommy laughs and nudges Adam’s leg with his foot again. ‘Just kidding,’ Adam amends. ‘What really happened was that something in me changed. People say we just clicked but I knew it was different than that. All those damned clichés and not one of them fit right. Tommy did, though; Tommy fit into my life and my band and into my fucking head right from the first time we met.
‘Auditions were always crap. I never knew how to let them down gently, so mostly I stayed off to the side, listening, “feeling out the musician’s aura” as Monte put it. I would shrug it off and remind him that he was the one who had to tell the applicants they weren’t wanted.
‘But Tommy walked in, had everyone laughing and under his spell in about five minutes, and I knew that for the first time in my life I was irretrievably lost. I didn’t have a say in it and I had no idea what it would mean to me, but there was a Tommy-shaped place inside of me and it would never leave.’
‘You’re not going to tell the whole story are you?’ Tommy asks. ‘We could be here for months.’
Adam looks thoughtful for a second and then gives him a wry smile. ‘I guess not. There are a few things no one needs to know. Like how you buy little boy underwear even now.’
Tommy splutters and then laughs. ‘Too late, dude, they’ve known about that forever.’
‘How about you, Tommy, what did you think the first time you met Adam?’
Tommy looks at Adam fondly. ‘I already knew how talented he was and what he looked like, but it was a surprise to see him make up free. I like his looks a lot more when he’s natural. I mean he’s hot all the time and some of the make-up he wore during GNT was amazing and made him look like some alien from planet fierce, I believe the fans used to say.’ Tommy grinned, ducking Adam’s swipe at his shoulder. ‘But I always love him natural. I was struck by his eyes. Always was a sucker for a decent set of eyes. I felt like he was reading my mind half the time.’
‘That must have been unnerving at an audition.’
‘Not really,’ Tommy replies. ‘I felt like I belonged there right away. Monte said “ah here’s the last piece of the puzzle” and that’s what it felt like.’
‘It was pretty obvious to fans that there was something special about your friendship, so how did it turn into something more?’
‘Looking back now, I think it was always going to happen eventually,’ Tommy replies candidly. ‘But I didn’t understand how to accept what I was feeling for the longest time. I’d only ever dated girls.’
‘That’s right, I remember Adam telling anyone who would listen that you were straight. It got to be a joke during GNT. Any time Adam was being interviewed fans rolled their eyes at the “Tommy is straight” line that always seemed to make it in there somehow.’
‘To be fair, I mentioned it several times, too.’
‘So was that a smokescreen?’ I ask. ‘Or a “say it enough times everyone will believe it” thing?’
‘Perhaps a little of that,’ Adam answers quietly. ‘It probably looked like I was over doing it but at the time it was a reminder of what I thought could never be mine.’ Adam’s voice is softer and Tommy squeezes his hand. ‘Not for want of trying on my part…’
*****
’Come and have dinner with me,’ Adam pleaded into his phone.
‘I’m at this thing with Monte,’ Tommy said shouting over the noise in the background.
‘I’m sure Monte will be fine without you. Please? I wanna spoil you a bit.’
Tommy laughed. ‘You do that every day, dude.’
‘Tommy,’ Adam said, a mock stern tone in his voice. ‘Get your pretty ass over here now.’
‘Flat ass, but ok, you win, boss man. Be there in ten.’
‘Good boy.’
Adam hung up and checked the hotel room, thanking his lucky stars that he’d been put up in a swanky hotel with a view. The hotel staff had been brilliant setting up a table for dinner, finding candles and organising a couple of dozen red roses to sit in a vase in the middle of a table set for two. Well, he reasoned, nerves stuttering around in his stomach, what else could he do on Valentine’s Day but spoil his favourite guy?
Minutes later, twelve minutes later to be exact, Tommy arrived, looking much as he usually did, though with what looked to be freshly applied lip gloss. Adam wanted to kiss those lips so badly; not chastely as was their habit, but down and dirty like the AMA kiss. Perhaps tonight…
Tommy gave him a peck on the cheek and whistled at the pretty picture the table set for two made against the backdrop of the open curtains and the view over the city.
‘Date pull out on you?’ he asked Adam. ‘That’s gotta suck being Valentine’s Day and all. Know how you like your schmoopy holiday.’ He patted Adam’s arm as he entered the room, and shrugged his leather jacket off before dropping down onto the sofa.
Adam frowned. ‘No, no one cancelled,’ he said as he shut the door and followed Tommy into the room. ‘I thought…’ he paused, wondering if his night had already turned pear shaped. Uneasy, he looked at Tommy who was smiling at him, waiting.
Then realisation obviously dawned on him. ‘Oh.’ Tommy looked around the room.
Adam wished he knew what Tommy was thinking. One of the reasons they got along so well was because they seemed to have the innate ability to read the others’ emotions. But Tommy’s face was expressionless at the moment, apart from a slight frown, and Adam had no idea what he was feeling.
In the end it didn’t really matter what Tommy was thinking, the fact he’d assumed Adam had a date clearly indicated Tommy had not given serious thought to them being together. And the lack of immediate enthusiasm for the intimate dinner for two kind of said it all, really.
Adam’s heart sank. Perhaps if he couldn’t read Tommy now, he’d been reading him wrong all along? Perhaps the bond they shared was not meant to be anything more than friends, nothing more than the flirting they did on stage. Nothing like what he had hoped and dreamed and had been certain he’d seen in the way Tommy responded to him, the way he cuddled up to Adam when he was feeling down or frustrated. Or happy. Or thankful.
This was such a bad idea. ‘Look, sorry, I’ll just…’ Adam moved to the table and blew out the candles, the smoke drifting up and disappearing in a perfect mockery of what the night had become. There was nothing he could do about the roses though.
‘It’s all right, Adam,’ Tommy said. ‘I don’t mind.’
Adam sighed. ‘Not minding wasn’t the reaction I’d hoped for,’ he said, risking a glance at Tommy. He didn’t really want to see pity in those gorgeous brown eyes, but he felt humiliated enough as it was, he may as well get it over with and be done with it all in one hit.
He was surprised to see that Tommy had moved to stand beside him. And there was a teasing glint in his eyes. ‘And what sort of reaction were you hoping for?’
‘Are you making fun of me, Tommy Joe?’ He tried to make it light hearted, but he was hurting inside. Of course Tommy wasn’t going to be having any ‘feelings’ for him, he was straight. As much as they both hated labels, one had been needed after the AMAs, so it had been straight seeing as Tommy only dated girls. But Adam had thought, believed, after everything, that Tommy’s sexuality was more fluid than that. Clearly he’d been wrong.
‘You know I don’t go in for this Valentine ’s Day stuff. Why would I think it was meant for me? That you’d want to do this schmoop for me?’
Adam clenched his jaw and shook his head, cursing himself for a fool. ‘Just forget it. It’s not important.’
There was no way he could let his idiocy ruin their friendship. It was better for everyone to just forget the whole thing and start again.
‘It is obviously important to you or you wouldn’t have done it,’ Tommy said, and when Adam looked at him the slight frown was back.
For something to do that wasn’t going to make him spill his guts all over the floor and make things worse, he picked up the vase of roses and moved them to the sideboard.
‘Adam, talk to me.’ He sounded concerned.
‘You’re important to me.’ Christ, now he’d done it.
‘I know that, but…’
‘But nothing,’ Adam interrupted, frustrated and embarrassed. ‘This was obviously a mistake, so just go back to Monte and finish whatever it was you were doing. We’ll have dinner another time.’
‘Wait, Monte isn’t anywhere near as important to me as you are. I want to fix this. I feel all weird now.’
‘Weird was the last thing I wanted you to be feeling.’ Adam sighed, defeated. Everything was wrong and he just wanted to crawl back into his skin and forget the whole night. He scrubbed his face with his hands, not knowing what to do with himself now.
He heard Tommy mutter ‘shit’ under his breath, then two arms slid around Adam’s waist and Tommy’s head tucked under his chin. It felt too good, too familiar and it wasn’t fair, but Adam wrapped his own arms around Tommy anyway and rested his cheek on Tommy’s ruffled hair. Adam’s body was warm where Tommy was pressed up against him. Why was something that felt so right, so…not?
‘C’mon, Adam,’ Tommy said, voice muffled. ‘I’m sorry. Let’s have dinner like you wanted. You’ve gone to all this trouble, we can’t waste it.’
‘Mood’s kinda ruined now,’ Adam said. There was something ridiculously wrong having dinner now with Tommy thinking it an obligation. Not. Going. To. Happen. He pulled out of the hug.
‘C’mon, don’t be so sensitive. We can still enjoy the food. I’m hungry.’
Adam looked at him in disbelief and no small amount of hurt. Was Tommy really that thoughtless?
‘Wow. Seriously? I organise an intimate, romantic dinner with a man I’ve loved from the first moment I set eyes on him. I get laughed at for it and rejected and you call me sensitive?’
‘Wait, this is for real?’ Tommy’s wide eyes looked huge in his face until he scrunched his face, looking as if he were trying to work things out. ‘I thought… I thought…you just liked all this flowers and candles stuff.’
It wasn’t fair that Tommy’s confusion was adorable. It hurt even more that Tommy seemed to have no idea.
‘Have you ever seen me set up a dinner like this for friends?’
Tommy shook his head. ‘You did this for me because you love me?’ Tommy questioned. ‘You wanted a romantic…oh, romantic. Right.’
Adam slumped down on the sofa. ‘Right,’ he said dropping his head back and closing his eyes, wishing this would all go away. He sensed Tommy sitting down beside him.
‘You know I love you to distraction, Adam, but I’m not…I’m not…’
‘I know. Someone somewhere is laughing their ass off at me, that’s for sure.’ He opened his eyes and looked at Tommy. ‘Look, I’m sorry, I misread things. Can we just forget this ever happened?’
Tommy’s slight body cuddled up close to Adam’s side and his arm slid across Adam’s stomach. ‘Nothing to apologise for. I like that I mean so much to you. I like the way we are with each other. I like you, Adam and I am so grateful you’re in my life, that you’ll always be in my life.’
‘But that’s as far as it goes, right?’
‘You mean the world to me. I’m not going to say I haven’t thought about it. The furore after the AMAs made me re-evaluate a lot of things. But I’m not going to risk what we have now, both friendship and work, for a what if.’
‘What’s a what if?’
‘What if I really can’t handle dating a guy. What if I hurt you because of it. What if it wrecks your career because you supposedly turned me gay. A hundred what ifs.’
‘I see.’ And he did. What they had now was amazing. Things in his career were starting to take off and he wanted Tommy along for the ride. If they mixed work and pleasure and something went wrong, he’d lose a work partner as well as his best friend. Adam understood that for Tommy the risk was greater because he’d never dated a man before let alone his boss, let alone his best friend. It was too much. Quietly though, his heart soared knowing he hadn’t been all wrong.
‘Ask me again in ten years,’ Tommy said, leaning up and kissing Adam’s cheek. ‘When you’re bigger than Ben Hur and we can both afford to never work again.’
Adam chuckled. He really, really loved Tommy. He turned and brushed a soft kiss across Tommy’s lips. ‘I’ll hold you to that.’
‘Good.’ Tommy smiled. ‘We’re good then?’
‘All good.’ Adam was as good as he was going to get with it. Resigned and still wanting so badly it hurt. And still ass over tit in love with his bass player.
Fuck it all anyway.
‘Right then, I’m famished. All this deep and meaningful conversation takes a lot of energy. Where is this intimate romantic schmoopy dinner you promised me?’
*****
‘You never told me how much that hurt,’ Tommy says softly, gripping Adam’s hand tighter, concern and regret lining his features.
Adam gives him a small reassuring smile. ‘No point, really. At the time I wanted you to be happy and I knew you’d feel bad. There was nothing to be done about it. I just had to get on with things and be happy with what you gave me. Which wasn’t all bad.’
‘It must have been hard working with him so closely,’ I say, reluctant to break into this moment and feeling bad for both of them.
Adam turns back to me, the sadness of his memory still etched around his eyes. ‘It was tricky for a while. I think there was a few weeks we spent apart, where I thought he was avoiding me. But then we had shows to get ready for, a tour to rehearse and we got busy. Some days were harder than others.’
‘For a while I wanted to kick myself, kick him, too if the truth be known.’ Tommy lets Adam’s hand go and sits forward. ‘Because it doesn’t matter how good you say things are, nothing will ever go back to how it was. We’d had this intense period of bonding over the AMA debacle and it felt like that was being eroded after that Valentine’s Day.
‘I tiptoed around him, careful not to push things.’ Tommy shrugs. ‘It just made things really awkward and weird. Then Sutan kicked my ass and reminded me that Adam was a big boy and could look after himself and he’d tell me if I went too far. So I did the only thing I could. Went back to loving the idiot as best I could.’ He winces slightly as Adam tugs on a lock of hair.
‘Not so much of the idiot thanks.’ But he’s smiling again which is a relief. ‘And it was better,’ Adam admits.
‘So, you mentioned you had a tour to rehearse for. Glam Nation Tour, I presume?’ They both nodded. ‘The stage play between you on that tour became a focal point. How did that develop?’
Adam shrugs. ‘A few other bands were doing it; it was nothing original as a concept. However, the fans had really taken to Tommy, as I knew they would.’
‘Yeah, Adam’s fans are amazing. You know they bought me a lap top when they found out I didn’t have one?’ Tommy, even after all these years, still seems so humbled by their generosity.
‘I remember.’ I laugh. ‘Must have been such a head rush to realise you had fans, too.’
He nods. ‘I still barely believe it. Back then…’ he shakes his head, ‘it just reminds me how grateful I am to have met Adam. To have been chosen by him to be in his band. I still have the lap top, kept safe in the back of the closet even though I don’t use it anymore.’
‘He always did underestimate his popularity,’ Adam says, smiling.
Even now, Tommy demurs. ‘Anyway,’ he says, ‘we were back to being close by tour, joined at the hip it felt like sometimes, so what was a few kisses on stage? We wanted to give the fans what they wanted.’
‘Yeah,’ Adam agrees. ‘It evolved naturally. I was still the front man, but there has always been this aura about the two of us on stage. Monte used to comment on it when we watched back videos. What did he call it again?’ Adam turns and asks Tommy.
‘He said, “you two orbit around each other like the sun and the moon,” which was a terrible analogy but we got the point. It freaked me out at first. I mean this was Adam’s show, he was the star, not me. I was just the bass player. It’s meant to be the guitarist that stands beside the singer doing all those solos. So I made sure to stand back and out of the way as much as I could. But he kept dragging me in and putting me in the spotlight.'
‘You were my anchor out there,’ Adam says. ‘I wanted you to experience the utter joy of having people screaming your name. The others all had such experience with big crowds.’
‘Well it seemed to work,’ I add. ‘Every show was sold out and the fans ate up the way you two connect on stage.’
‘It was no hardship kissing Adam that’s for sure,’ Tommy says, grinning.
I have to ask. ‘It stayed as kissing?’
‘On stage, of course! Mostly.’ Adam laughs.
‘Off stage?’
They both blush. It’s definitely an ‘ah huh’ moment. ‘Oh? Tell me more.’
‘Well truthfully, it was pretty much just kissing,’ Adam says.
‘True,’ Tommy adds. ‘But living closely as we were on tour for six months, occasionally-‘
‘Less than that,’ Adam interrupts. ‘Maybe twice…’
‘Okay, maybe twice. Add Munich and Amsterdam and an alcohol fuelled curiosity on my part…’
‘And my utter irresistibility…’
Tommy deadpans. ‘Nope, it was definitely the drugs.’
They both crack up and it feels like an inside joke. It’s really all I can do to smile at them, because there are interesting thoughts in my head about exactly what happened. Pretty sure I’m not going to be allowed a glimpse that far into their personal lives.
‘Europe was an eye opener,’ Tommy says when he stops laughing.
‘Yeah,’ Adam agrees. ‘There were many nights on the US leg of the tour that we’d all sit around drinking and relaxing. Tommy would always snuggle up to me, or use those strong fingers of his giving me a massage after a show.’
Tommy waggles his fingers. ‘Guitar playing gives your fingers strength, flexibility and endurance.’
‘Callouses, though,’ Adam says. ‘Anyway, he gives a great massage. Used to send me off into a bliss-filled stupor.’
‘Hedonist.’ Tommy jokes.
‘I never told him until later that whenever I felt like I needed one of his kisses I’d deliberately groan. A lot.’ Adam smirks. ‘He was, still is, always pretty free with his kisses.’
They look into each other’s eyes and smile that private smile they share. The one that speaks of thousands of shared thoughts and dreams and kisses and words.
‘You mentioned Europe being an eye opener, Tommy,’ I remind him. ‘In what way?’
‘Well,’ he says dragging his eyes back to mine. ‘While Adam and I were close, extremely close, it felt dysfunctional in many ways, because we weren’t together and yet there was something there. People assumed stuff that wasn’t happening, but maybe looked like it was and so they treated us as if it were.’
‘That’s right,’ Adam agrees. ‘I guess there was no mistaking what I wanted, even though I tried to hide my feelings as best I could.’
‘You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, Adam,’ I say.
‘Hm,’ is all he says, not sounding happy about it.
‘Europe was just freer,’ Tommy says. ‘And more unreal. It felt like a whole different world and my perspective changed on a lot of things. And you know what they say about best laid plans coming unstuck?’
*****
’Tommy, you coming?’ Isaac called from the hotel hallway outside Tommy’s room.
‘Later, I need some down time,’ Tommy called back. He really didn’t feel like braving the cold of the night, let alone the crowds at the club. Besides, watching Adam schmooze over some boy in a nightlclub was not his favourite way of spending an evening. Especially as he didn’t dance. At all. Ever. Which usually meant he table sat with Monte, nursing several drinks, and watching everyone else enjoy themselves.
He had to admit, he was tired. And confused as hell.
‘Tommy, open up,’ Isaac said.
Tommy sighed and opened the door, prepared to defend his need for some alone time, only to see the determined look on Isaac’s face. Clearly he wasn’t going to be able to escape the questions. Tommy knew that look so he stepped aside and let Isaac in. ‘I’m not really in the mood for this,’ he protested weakly, knowing it was futile.
‘Tough. This is the third time this week you’ve not wanted to go out with us. Adam thinks he’s done something to piss you off. Brooke thinks you’re missing home but Monte reckons you’re just wanking.’ Isaac finished with a grin that didn’t reach his eyes.
‘Not any of that,’ Tommy insisted. ‘And I’m not mad at Adam,’ he argued. ‘Just…fuck.’
‘Maybe that’s your problem,’ Isaac said slyly. ‘We all know there is something going on between the two of you.’
‘Nothing’s going¬-‘ Tommy started.
Isaac held his hands up in front of him. ‘Not our business what it is and I’m not interfering at all,’ Isaac interrupted. ‘But whatever is going on in that pretty head of yours is affecting the rest of us. This is not like you.’
‘You know I like time to myself,’ Tommy insisted.
‘Yes, and state side it was fine but over here you said you wanted to see all the nightlife, experience all the things.’
‘And so?’
‘We worry about you.’
‘Yeah, well you don’t need to worry about me,’ Tommy said, heading to the mini bar and grabbing a beer. ‘I’m fine. You can all go out and enjoy yourselves. Tell Monte I’m wanking if it makes you feel any better.’ He popped the cap and took a healthy swig of the cold beer. He grimaced at the taste and muttered under his breath. ‘We only ever end up watching Adam pick up his sleazy one night stands anyway.’
‘You’re jealous?’
Isaac’s incredulous tone makes Tommy swear silently.
‘Since when have you cared that he picks up more often than not?’
‘I don’t care,’ Tommy lied. He did care; he just had no idea why, and why now after he’d only ever given fleeting thought to dating Adam himself, way back at that awkward as fuck Valentine’s dinner.
‘You do or you wouldn’t be so bitchy about it,’ Isaac argued. ‘C’mon man, we can dance around this all night but we both know you’ll end up talking because I’m not leaving until you do. Or you can cut the shit now and just tell me what’s going on. Get it over and done with.’
Isaac was a real fucking piece of work when he was right. It wasn’t that often, really, but the man was perceptive when it came to his friends. Fucker, Tommy thought.
‘Geez, all right,’ he said giving in reluctantly. ‘Get yourself a beer and sit down.’
Isaac did as he was told with a barely concealed grin. ‘Will I have to tear the boss-man a new one after this?’ he asked.
‘What? No! What makes you say that?’
‘Just asking. Need to know if this is a three beer conversation or a six pack.’ Isaac sits down opposite Tommy.
A wry grin lifted the corner of Tommy’s mouth. ‘How do you figure that?’
‘Well,’ Isaac replied pulling the top off the bottle and taking a swig. ‘If I am going to hear about a sexual identity crisis, that might be a three beer job, but, man, if I need to rip the boss a new one and lose my job it might take a six pack.’
‘I think your job’s safe.’ Tommy feels oddly gratified that he has such a good friend in Isaac - who is pretty sure would never contemplate hurting Adam, least of all because Adam is twice his size. Isaac’s intentions were clear though; he was supporting Tommy all the way. Which was hardly fair to Adam really. None of this was Adam’s fault.
‘Sexual identity crisis it is then,’ Isaac grins. ‘Too bad, I coulda kicked his ass for you. After a six pack.’
‘Right.’ Tommy said doubtfully and then laughed. Despite the knot of confused anxiety sitting heavy in his stomach, he felt like he was being a drama queen about everything. It was all a bit ridiculous. Nice to see Isaac wasn’t intimidated by what was surely a mid-life crisis - at the ripe old age of twenty-nine.
For a moment Tommy played with the idea of telling Isaac it was really nothing, and joining the gang at the club. Isaac opening his beer, taking a long sip and looking at Tommy intently put paid to that idea. Isaac was like a bloody terrier; once he grabbed onto an idea he wasn’t letting it go until he was satisfied. And Tommy knew he would only be satisfied with the truth. Shit of it was though that Tommy was so damned confused he had no idea what the truth was.
‘So, spill. When did you decide that Adam’s dick did it for you?’
Tommy snorted and almost choked on his own beer.
‘Oh, come on, you can’t tell me nothing’s happened. All this kissing and cuddling and stupid cheesy nicknames for each other. I know you’re really close, besties even, but…’
Tommy tried to shrug it off as nothing. ‘Couple drunken hook-ups. Nothing much. A hand is a hand is a hand, right…?’ He failed spectacularly at being casual and he knew it.
‘Really? Don’t remember you ever offering me or Monte or Terr…’
‘Ew, Isaac,’ Tommy protested.
‘Which kinda proves my point.’
Tommy looked at him exasperated because that meant nothing at all. Nothing.
‘Tommy,’ Isaac said seriously. ‘There is nothing wrong with admitting you’re attracted to Adam. You denying it is kinda like you saying being attracted to a guy is a bad thing…’
‘I’d never think that!’ Tommy protested, annoyed Isaac could even suggest that.
‘How it comes across, dude. Everything you and Adam have been fighting against.
‘Really?’ Tommy felt like he’d been slugged in the gut. Was he really so set on preserving his heterosexuality at all costs? Even at the expense of making his attraction to Adam a less than desirable option?
‘Okay, so I am attracted to him,’ Tommy admitted. ‘I seriously don’t think that’s the problem though. It’s more why am I attracted to him.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Like…I mean he’s hot and he has amazing eyes and legs, and…’
‘Wait, are you going to list everything you like about him?’
‘No, why?’ Tommy frowned.
‘Just asking. I’d tune out for a while if you were.’
‘Dick,’ Tommy said, kicking his ankle.
‘Well, you talk about him all the time, Tommy. I heard it all before, dude.’
‘I do not talk about him all the time. Do I?’
Isaac nodded and Tommy sighed, giving in.
‘I just… like, he’s so great and I can never forget he gave me this amazing opportunity to experience all this…’
‘And you earned your place in this band. And don’t you ever forget it.’
‘I know, I know.’ Tommy nods. ‘But this attraction thing…it’s come out of nowhere.’
‘I doubt that. What’s the problem being attracted to him, then? You know he wears his heart on his sleeve for you. You gotta know it’s returned, dude.’
‘Is it attraction though, and not just gratitude?’ Tommy voiced the fear he’d been carrying the last few weeks. Ever since that hand hadn’t really felt like just any hand but Adam’s hand.
Even before then Tommy knew he’d do anything for Adam, he adored him, looked up to him, dare he even think it…worshipped him. But all that had become tangled in this thing he could only name as attraction. And what if it was for all the wrong reasons?
‘I can’t tell you how you feel, dude, but he’s obviously into you so you gotta make sure, cos it looks like he thinks it’s mutual.’
Tommy cringed and shook his head. ‘I know it kinda is, but we sorta talked about it.’
‘Kinda? Sorta? You talked or you didn’t.’
‘He…’ Damn, but this talking about “feelings” was shit. And Tommy was shit at it; he never could find the right words. ‘He …’ oh, fuck it, Tommy thought. ‘I told him… he asked me and I told him I couldn’t date him.’
‘Wow. For real?’ Isaac indicated he wanted another beer so Tommy, happy for the interruption, obliged. When he sat down again, Isaac faced him.
‘When?’
‘Ages ago. I mean I had thought about it, because yeah, I love the man to bits and we’re so good together on stage and close as brothers off stage and…’ Tommy shrugged.
‘But you still considered yourself straight?’
‘Something like that,’ Tommy agreed.
‘So why the action then?’
Tommy snorted. ‘You know that as well as we do. Drugs and alcohol and a latent curiosity freed when inhibitions flew out the window.’
‘So your straight is bendy now then?’
Tommy wrinkled his nose and shook his head. ‘Think Adam might be the only one I would have tried anything with. My only exception, if you will.’
‘Let me get this straight. You and Adam are so good together that you consider being with him, decide not to because you’re actually straight, and now after all these months, experiment with him, and decide that maybe you should after all?’
‘Well, yes but is the attraction real? Like, am I just getting used to all the kissing and cuddling because I’m so comfortable with him, or…?’
‘Does it matter that much why? You like the guy, you want him, so why not?’
Tommy huffed. ‘Because it has to be for the right reasons! What if it’s not?’
‘Then one of you gets hurt. Look, you take the same risk in any relationship you enter into. Wake up, Tommy. Love is worth nothing if it’s not worth the risk of getting hurt.
Part Two
Author: jamie2109
Artist: writinchica2k
Beta(s): @psychosm1212
Word Count: ~23.5k
Rating: R (for language)
Characters/Pairings: Adam/Tommy
Content/Warnings/Enticements: Nope.
Summary: Twenty years later, a bit of tell-all interview.
A/N: Someone asked a question and the answer was, ‘We’ll never know unless twenty years down the track someone writes a tell-all book,’ as they tend to do, and everyone around at the time says, ‘I knew it!’ Well, I figured that I might not care in twenty years (or I might be dead), so I’d write my own version of it. That’s how this story began its journey. It doesn’t cover the whole time period, as that could be left for a sequel if I become inspired by something specific. Unfortunately, there is no sex in this story, so if you’re after that - sorry. It’s mentioned, though.
Anyway, thank you to my beta, @psychosm1212, and @2pussycat for the read through and thanks to everyone else who encouraged me when writing became difficult.
And a huge big thank you to writinchica2k for the amazing artwork developed from a pretty rough, unfinished draft. <333
Huge disclaimer here: This is FICTION. I’m not saying any of this is true at all. Events have been altered to fit the story line and readers should not think that’s how they happened.
Link to fic master post: AO3 / LJ / DW
Link to art master post: AO3 / LJ / DW
We’re treated to a cacophony of noise as Adam Lambert opens the door. He’s smiling and relaxed, dressed casually, even barefooted, but then it’s his home and we’re the guests.
His house, his rules.
This was made very clear to us before he agreed to this series of interviews. Or agreed to allow us to include his long-time guitarist in the interviews we’re doing to celebrate his twenty years in the business since he was runner up on American Idol. Tommy’s never been one to enjoy too much media attention.
It’s been made very clear to us that we are to take Adam as we find him today. In the past that’s usually meant being surrounded by entourage, and Tommy. Today it means being surrounded by - and being attacked at the knees by - assorted family members and children. And Tommy, of course, we assume.
Adam smiles apologetically and removes a small child about 4 years old from around his knees, swinging the urchin up and onto his hip, an action clearly familiar to him. He’s comfortable in his skin these days, still maddeningly attractive despite the years.
‘This,’ he says tweaking the child’s nose causing her to giggle and squirm, ‘is Abby McCrabby. So called because she is a cranky little thing. Don’t let appearances fool you.’ He grins at the child who pouts prettily at him.
‘Tell Tommy on you. I am not cranky!’ she says and even I can tell she would be a handful in a bad mood.
‘Alright, Missy, you go and tell Tommy that the lady is here to do the interview.’
He swings her to the ground and leans down to kiss her forehead.
‘Okay, Daddy,’ she says before scampering off, yelling ‘Tommy!’ at the top of her voice.
Adam merely rolls his eyes and shakes his head at her and then beckons us to follow. He leads us through the comfortable house to some huge double French doors that open, to my surprise, onto a panorama of garden, lawns, play equipment and the like. While that’s all very normal, the surprising thing is that the yard clearly adjoins the neighbouring house. I want to ask about the house but just as I open my mouth to speak, Adam asks if we want a drink. By the time that’s all sorted, the moment to ask about the house has passed.
*****
We’re sitting outside on the spacious patio. There are several children and friends playing happily in the pool some distance away. Some I recognise, some I don’t. The sun has brought out the casual, relaxed Adam, and his smile reminds one that while he’s almost fifty he still has that boy next door look; youthful despite there being no trace of the pancake makeup of his early days. Adam Lambert looks years younger than he should and it’s disconcerting as much for the fact that it’s clear he’s had no cosmetic surgery to help, as it is that he has for the most part escaped the ravages hard drinking and drugs often take on rock stars.
Adam’s eyes drift to the children often and he smiles easily, eyes full of love, but when he looks at Tommy sitting opposite him, I’m wondering how I could possibly offer this man anything in the way of conversation that could make him want to divert his attention away from Tommy. It feels voyeuristic just being there, watching them.
And all over again the question arises. Why are they not together?
It’s been well documented that Tommy joined the band as the bass player but right from the start the fans and Adam saw much more in him than that. He was always different from the rest of the band and not just because Adam singled him out and spent most of the first tour making out with him on stage. It seemed that he charmed whoever he came into contact with; there was always some mention of Tommy made whenever he accompanied Adam anywhere.
It’s also well documented that after Adam began seeing the boy from Finland, things changed. Adam calls that the darkest period in his life where he sunk to such lows of depression and addiction that he wasn’t sure he’d ever get out.
What isn’t so well documented is that Adam credits Tommy with dragging him kicking and screaming out of the career wrecking, life threatening slide into the dark.
‘Tommy saved my life,’ Adam says seriously, while Tommy sinks further back into his chair and pretends not to have heard. His blush gives him away though. ‘I’m serious,’ Adam continues. ‘If it hadn’t been for Tommy threatening to leave, I might not have pulled myself out of that spiral in time.’
‘Don’t be so melodramatic,’ Tommy says, rolling his eyes as he turns to speak to me. ‘I’m sure the sound of his career tanking would have made him realise what he was doing. Eventually.’
I turn to Adam and ask, ‘What happened?’ The details of that period of Adam’s life aren’t well known, despite there being a public activity in the form of a second album, some promo shows and a short tour. Of course that period also included the infamous overnight jail time in Finland, drunken party nights and more than one report of loud fighting between Adam and his then boyfriend.
‘Do you want the long story or the short story?’ Adam laughs and adds, ‘And before Tommy jumps in and reminds me that I cannot tell a short story, they’re both long.’
Tommy’s leg bounces and his toe bumps Adam’s shin. ‘Dick,’ he says fondly. ‘I’d say nothing of the sort.’
‘Liar,’ Adam replies, still smiling. ‘Story time with Abby usually takes hours because I can’t stop myself.’
‘Likes the sound of his own voice, this one,’ Tommy teases.
‘My voice pays the bills,’ Adam shoots back.
‘Surely that means you should be conserving it, dude.’ He’s softly spoken, and over the years the language has mellowed. I assume it’s because of the children. I’d earlier been told by Tommy that he has two children and it’s clear by the pride in his voice that they mean everything to him. ‘You’re not as young as you used to be.’ A mischievous grin breaks out over Tommy’s face and it strikes me.
He’s also still devastatingly gorgeous.
‘I’ll listen to whichever story you’re willing to tell,’ I say, grateful beyond measure that I’ve been afforded this privilege.
Adam thinks for a moment and then seems to make a decision. ‘Perhaps we should start at the start,’ he says and reaches over to take Tommy’s hand, lacing their fingers together. ‘Or, in the middle somewhere, actually.’ Of course I try not to think anything of it; the two of them have always been extremely affectionate on stage. And they’ve been playing together so long now that I should expect a level of intimacy that respects the length of their friendship.
I fail terribly, because it’s Adam and Tommy, and when have I ever been dispassionate about them?
It’s the fact that their fingers are laced together that indicates this is different, and there’s a buzzing behind my ears that makes me wonder if I am still breathing. My world seems to have tilted on its axis and nothing is what I thought.
‘It all started with a kiss,’ Tommy says, smiling at Adam like I’m not even there.
‘That kiss?’ I ask. Squeak. Everyone knows what that kiss was. The AMA kiss that broke a network. They both nod.
‘So you’ve been together this whole time?’
They both look at me and laugh. ‘Oh, shit no,’ Tommy replies, while Adam shrugs. ‘Well, not quite. Took me way longer than that to get my head out of my ass and realise what was going on. But if there’d been no kiss we wouldn’t be where we are today, that’s for damned sure.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well,’ Tommy smiles at Adam and then looks at me. ‘All the backlash and shit Adam put up with after that kiss really brought us closer together. Might have happened anyway, but it was a friendship formed on mutual admiration; we thought alike on so many things, but it was forged in steel afterwards.’
‘That’s right.’ Adam nods. ‘I thought I’d killed my career before it had even really begun but Tommy stuck by me and at times it felt like us against the world, you know. That kind of experience and that kind of loyalty earns trust and respect that becomes an integral part of you and you know it will never go away.’
He’s so intense and so sincere that you can’t help but feel envious of the deep bond they must share.
‘And of course, him making out with me on stage through most of the Glam Nation tour didn’t help much either. We kind of lived in each other’s pockets for six months. After that, I couldn’t get rid of him,’ Tommy jokes.
‘Like I tried,’ Adam shoots back. ‘I really tried, but he just up and informed the world that unless I slapped him across the face and told him to get out of my life, he was not going anywhere.’ Tommy grins at him. ‘And how could anyone slap that face?’
‘Sap,’ I say, finally recovering enough to join in their banter.
‘And proud of it. We could all use some more sap in our lives.’
‘You’re getting worse though. Every time one of the kids does something cute, you’re all “let me get my camera,” or sniffing into a tissue.’
‘Look who’s talking, Mr what-are-we-going-to do-when-they-leave-home.’
Tommy scowls playfully. ‘I’m older than you, and grumpy old men with grey hair and saggy tits are allowed to get emotional. It’s a rule.’
Adam laughs a full, rich laugh and I’d swear he looks no more than thirty-five. After a moment Tommy chuckles and I don’t feel bad about letting a giggle escape. Even Frank the camera man offers a smile.
‘Anyway, back to the story. I’ve got thousands of questions, but perhaps they’ll all be answered if the two of you just tell me your story. Your fans would string me up if I came away with this news and had no story to back it up.’
Adam looks at Tommy and takes a deep breath, sober now. ‘No backing out now, Tommy. You up for this?’
‘I haven’t changed my mind, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
‘I know, but you’ve got the biggest story to tell, you had the longest journey to get here, I’m just making sure.’
Tommy squeezes Adam’s hand and nods. ‘I’m cool with it, dude. We decided it needed to be told.’
Adam smiles at him proudly and then starts his story.
‘It all happened like this…’
*****
‘You’ve heard of love at first sight, haven’t you? Well, the first time I saw Tommy something in my mind snapped and I thought I’d gone crazy.’ Tommy laughs and nudges Adam’s leg with his foot again. ‘Just kidding,’ Adam amends. ‘What really happened was that something in me changed. People say we just clicked but I knew it was different than that. All those damned clichés and not one of them fit right. Tommy did, though; Tommy fit into my life and my band and into my fucking head right from the first time we met.
‘Auditions were always crap. I never knew how to let them down gently, so mostly I stayed off to the side, listening, “feeling out the musician’s aura” as Monte put it. I would shrug it off and remind him that he was the one who had to tell the applicants they weren’t wanted.
‘But Tommy walked in, had everyone laughing and under his spell in about five minutes, and I knew that for the first time in my life I was irretrievably lost. I didn’t have a say in it and I had no idea what it would mean to me, but there was a Tommy-shaped place inside of me and it would never leave.’
‘You’re not going to tell the whole story are you?’ Tommy asks. ‘We could be here for months.’
Adam looks thoughtful for a second and then gives him a wry smile. ‘I guess not. There are a few things no one needs to know. Like how you buy little boy underwear even now.’
Tommy splutters and then laughs. ‘Too late, dude, they’ve known about that forever.’
‘How about you, Tommy, what did you think the first time you met Adam?’
Tommy looks at Adam fondly. ‘I already knew how talented he was and what he looked like, but it was a surprise to see him make up free. I like his looks a lot more when he’s natural. I mean he’s hot all the time and some of the make-up he wore during GNT was amazing and made him look like some alien from planet fierce, I believe the fans used to say.’ Tommy grinned, ducking Adam’s swipe at his shoulder. ‘But I always love him natural. I was struck by his eyes. Always was a sucker for a decent set of eyes. I felt like he was reading my mind half the time.’
‘That must have been unnerving at an audition.’
‘Not really,’ Tommy replies. ‘I felt like I belonged there right away. Monte said “ah here’s the last piece of the puzzle” and that’s what it felt like.’
‘It was pretty obvious to fans that there was something special about your friendship, so how did it turn into something more?’
‘Looking back now, I think it was always going to happen eventually,’ Tommy replies candidly. ‘But I didn’t understand how to accept what I was feeling for the longest time. I’d only ever dated girls.’
‘That’s right, I remember Adam telling anyone who would listen that you were straight. It got to be a joke during GNT. Any time Adam was being interviewed fans rolled their eyes at the “Tommy is straight” line that always seemed to make it in there somehow.’
‘To be fair, I mentioned it several times, too.’
‘So was that a smokescreen?’ I ask. ‘Or a “say it enough times everyone will believe it” thing?’
‘Perhaps a little of that,’ Adam answers quietly. ‘It probably looked like I was over doing it but at the time it was a reminder of what I thought could never be mine.’ Adam’s voice is softer and Tommy squeezes his hand. ‘Not for want of trying on my part…’
*****
’Come and have dinner with me,’ Adam pleaded into his phone.
‘I’m at this thing with Monte,’ Tommy said shouting over the noise in the background.
‘I’m sure Monte will be fine without you. Please? I wanna spoil you a bit.’
Tommy laughed. ‘You do that every day, dude.’
‘Tommy,’ Adam said, a mock stern tone in his voice. ‘Get your pretty ass over here now.’
‘Flat ass, but ok, you win, boss man. Be there in ten.’
‘Good boy.’
Adam hung up and checked the hotel room, thanking his lucky stars that he’d been put up in a swanky hotel with a view. The hotel staff had been brilliant setting up a table for dinner, finding candles and organising a couple of dozen red roses to sit in a vase in the middle of a table set for two. Well, he reasoned, nerves stuttering around in his stomach, what else could he do on Valentine’s Day but spoil his favourite guy?
Minutes later, twelve minutes later to be exact, Tommy arrived, looking much as he usually did, though with what looked to be freshly applied lip gloss. Adam wanted to kiss those lips so badly; not chastely as was their habit, but down and dirty like the AMA kiss. Perhaps tonight…
Tommy gave him a peck on the cheek and whistled at the pretty picture the table set for two made against the backdrop of the open curtains and the view over the city.
‘Date pull out on you?’ he asked Adam. ‘That’s gotta suck being Valentine’s Day and all. Know how you like your schmoopy holiday.’ He patted Adam’s arm as he entered the room, and shrugged his leather jacket off before dropping down onto the sofa.
Adam frowned. ‘No, no one cancelled,’ he said as he shut the door and followed Tommy into the room. ‘I thought…’ he paused, wondering if his night had already turned pear shaped. Uneasy, he looked at Tommy who was smiling at him, waiting.
Then realisation obviously dawned on him. ‘Oh.’ Tommy looked around the room.
Adam wished he knew what Tommy was thinking. One of the reasons they got along so well was because they seemed to have the innate ability to read the others’ emotions. But Tommy’s face was expressionless at the moment, apart from a slight frown, and Adam had no idea what he was feeling.
In the end it didn’t really matter what Tommy was thinking, the fact he’d assumed Adam had a date clearly indicated Tommy had not given serious thought to them being together. And the lack of immediate enthusiasm for the intimate dinner for two kind of said it all, really.
Adam’s heart sank. Perhaps if he couldn’t read Tommy now, he’d been reading him wrong all along? Perhaps the bond they shared was not meant to be anything more than friends, nothing more than the flirting they did on stage. Nothing like what he had hoped and dreamed and had been certain he’d seen in the way Tommy responded to him, the way he cuddled up to Adam when he was feeling down or frustrated. Or happy. Or thankful.
This was such a bad idea. ‘Look, sorry, I’ll just…’ Adam moved to the table and blew out the candles, the smoke drifting up and disappearing in a perfect mockery of what the night had become. There was nothing he could do about the roses though.
‘It’s all right, Adam,’ Tommy said. ‘I don’t mind.’
Adam sighed. ‘Not minding wasn’t the reaction I’d hoped for,’ he said, risking a glance at Tommy. He didn’t really want to see pity in those gorgeous brown eyes, but he felt humiliated enough as it was, he may as well get it over with and be done with it all in one hit.
He was surprised to see that Tommy had moved to stand beside him. And there was a teasing glint in his eyes. ‘And what sort of reaction were you hoping for?’
‘Are you making fun of me, Tommy Joe?’ He tried to make it light hearted, but he was hurting inside. Of course Tommy wasn’t going to be having any ‘feelings’ for him, he was straight. As much as they both hated labels, one had been needed after the AMAs, so it had been straight seeing as Tommy only dated girls. But Adam had thought, believed, after everything, that Tommy’s sexuality was more fluid than that. Clearly he’d been wrong.
‘You know I don’t go in for this Valentine ’s Day stuff. Why would I think it was meant for me? That you’d want to do this schmoop for me?’
Adam clenched his jaw and shook his head, cursing himself for a fool. ‘Just forget it. It’s not important.’
There was no way he could let his idiocy ruin their friendship. It was better for everyone to just forget the whole thing and start again.
‘It is obviously important to you or you wouldn’t have done it,’ Tommy said, and when Adam looked at him the slight frown was back.
For something to do that wasn’t going to make him spill his guts all over the floor and make things worse, he picked up the vase of roses and moved them to the sideboard.
‘Adam, talk to me.’ He sounded concerned.
‘You’re important to me.’ Christ, now he’d done it.
‘I know that, but…’
‘But nothing,’ Adam interrupted, frustrated and embarrassed. ‘This was obviously a mistake, so just go back to Monte and finish whatever it was you were doing. We’ll have dinner another time.’
‘Wait, Monte isn’t anywhere near as important to me as you are. I want to fix this. I feel all weird now.’
‘Weird was the last thing I wanted you to be feeling.’ Adam sighed, defeated. Everything was wrong and he just wanted to crawl back into his skin and forget the whole night. He scrubbed his face with his hands, not knowing what to do with himself now.
He heard Tommy mutter ‘shit’ under his breath, then two arms slid around Adam’s waist and Tommy’s head tucked under his chin. It felt too good, too familiar and it wasn’t fair, but Adam wrapped his own arms around Tommy anyway and rested his cheek on Tommy’s ruffled hair. Adam’s body was warm where Tommy was pressed up against him. Why was something that felt so right, so…not?
‘C’mon, Adam,’ Tommy said, voice muffled. ‘I’m sorry. Let’s have dinner like you wanted. You’ve gone to all this trouble, we can’t waste it.’
‘Mood’s kinda ruined now,’ Adam said. There was something ridiculously wrong having dinner now with Tommy thinking it an obligation. Not. Going. To. Happen. He pulled out of the hug.
‘C’mon, don’t be so sensitive. We can still enjoy the food. I’m hungry.’
Adam looked at him in disbelief and no small amount of hurt. Was Tommy really that thoughtless?
‘Wow. Seriously? I organise an intimate, romantic dinner with a man I’ve loved from the first moment I set eyes on him. I get laughed at for it and rejected and you call me sensitive?’
‘Wait, this is for real?’ Tommy’s wide eyes looked huge in his face until he scrunched his face, looking as if he were trying to work things out. ‘I thought… I thought…you just liked all this flowers and candles stuff.’
It wasn’t fair that Tommy’s confusion was adorable. It hurt even more that Tommy seemed to have no idea.
‘Have you ever seen me set up a dinner like this for friends?’
Tommy shook his head. ‘You did this for me because you love me?’ Tommy questioned. ‘You wanted a romantic…oh, romantic. Right.’
Adam slumped down on the sofa. ‘Right,’ he said dropping his head back and closing his eyes, wishing this would all go away. He sensed Tommy sitting down beside him.
‘You know I love you to distraction, Adam, but I’m not…I’m not…’
‘I know. Someone somewhere is laughing their ass off at me, that’s for sure.’ He opened his eyes and looked at Tommy. ‘Look, I’m sorry, I misread things. Can we just forget this ever happened?’
Tommy’s slight body cuddled up close to Adam’s side and his arm slid across Adam’s stomach. ‘Nothing to apologise for. I like that I mean so much to you. I like the way we are with each other. I like you, Adam and I am so grateful you’re in my life, that you’ll always be in my life.’
‘But that’s as far as it goes, right?’
‘You mean the world to me. I’m not going to say I haven’t thought about it. The furore after the AMAs made me re-evaluate a lot of things. But I’m not going to risk what we have now, both friendship and work, for a what if.’
‘What’s a what if?’
‘What if I really can’t handle dating a guy. What if I hurt you because of it. What if it wrecks your career because you supposedly turned me gay. A hundred what ifs.’
‘I see.’ And he did. What they had now was amazing. Things in his career were starting to take off and he wanted Tommy along for the ride. If they mixed work and pleasure and something went wrong, he’d lose a work partner as well as his best friend. Adam understood that for Tommy the risk was greater because he’d never dated a man before let alone his boss, let alone his best friend. It was too much. Quietly though, his heart soared knowing he hadn’t been all wrong.
‘Ask me again in ten years,’ Tommy said, leaning up and kissing Adam’s cheek. ‘When you’re bigger than Ben Hur and we can both afford to never work again.’
Adam chuckled. He really, really loved Tommy. He turned and brushed a soft kiss across Tommy’s lips. ‘I’ll hold you to that.’
‘Good.’ Tommy smiled. ‘We’re good then?’
‘All good.’ Adam was as good as he was going to get with it. Resigned and still wanting so badly it hurt. And still ass over tit in love with his bass player.
Fuck it all anyway.
‘Right then, I’m famished. All this deep and meaningful conversation takes a lot of energy. Where is this intimate romantic schmoopy dinner you promised me?’
*****
‘You never told me how much that hurt,’ Tommy says softly, gripping Adam’s hand tighter, concern and regret lining his features.
Adam gives him a small reassuring smile. ‘No point, really. At the time I wanted you to be happy and I knew you’d feel bad. There was nothing to be done about it. I just had to get on with things and be happy with what you gave me. Which wasn’t all bad.’
‘It must have been hard working with him so closely,’ I say, reluctant to break into this moment and feeling bad for both of them.
Adam turns back to me, the sadness of his memory still etched around his eyes. ‘It was tricky for a while. I think there was a few weeks we spent apart, where I thought he was avoiding me. But then we had shows to get ready for, a tour to rehearse and we got busy. Some days were harder than others.’
‘For a while I wanted to kick myself, kick him, too if the truth be known.’ Tommy lets Adam’s hand go and sits forward. ‘Because it doesn’t matter how good you say things are, nothing will ever go back to how it was. We’d had this intense period of bonding over the AMA debacle and it felt like that was being eroded after that Valentine’s Day.
‘I tiptoed around him, careful not to push things.’ Tommy shrugs. ‘It just made things really awkward and weird. Then Sutan kicked my ass and reminded me that Adam was a big boy and could look after himself and he’d tell me if I went too far. So I did the only thing I could. Went back to loving the idiot as best I could.’ He winces slightly as Adam tugs on a lock of hair.
‘Not so much of the idiot thanks.’ But he’s smiling again which is a relief. ‘And it was better,’ Adam admits.
‘So, you mentioned you had a tour to rehearse for. Glam Nation Tour, I presume?’ They both nodded. ‘The stage play between you on that tour became a focal point. How did that develop?’
Adam shrugs. ‘A few other bands were doing it; it was nothing original as a concept. However, the fans had really taken to Tommy, as I knew they would.’
‘Yeah, Adam’s fans are amazing. You know they bought me a lap top when they found out I didn’t have one?’ Tommy, even after all these years, still seems so humbled by their generosity.
‘I remember.’ I laugh. ‘Must have been such a head rush to realise you had fans, too.’
He nods. ‘I still barely believe it. Back then…’ he shakes his head, ‘it just reminds me how grateful I am to have met Adam. To have been chosen by him to be in his band. I still have the lap top, kept safe in the back of the closet even though I don’t use it anymore.’
‘He always did underestimate his popularity,’ Adam says, smiling.
Even now, Tommy demurs. ‘Anyway,’ he says, ‘we were back to being close by tour, joined at the hip it felt like sometimes, so what was a few kisses on stage? We wanted to give the fans what they wanted.’
‘Yeah,’ Adam agrees. ‘It evolved naturally. I was still the front man, but there has always been this aura about the two of us on stage. Monte used to comment on it when we watched back videos. What did he call it again?’ Adam turns and asks Tommy.
‘He said, “you two orbit around each other like the sun and the moon,” which was a terrible analogy but we got the point. It freaked me out at first. I mean this was Adam’s show, he was the star, not me. I was just the bass player. It’s meant to be the guitarist that stands beside the singer doing all those solos. So I made sure to stand back and out of the way as much as I could. But he kept dragging me in and putting me in the spotlight.'
‘You were my anchor out there,’ Adam says. ‘I wanted you to experience the utter joy of having people screaming your name. The others all had such experience with big crowds.’
‘Well it seemed to work,’ I add. ‘Every show was sold out and the fans ate up the way you two connect on stage.’
‘It was no hardship kissing Adam that’s for sure,’ Tommy says, grinning.
I have to ask. ‘It stayed as kissing?’
‘On stage, of course! Mostly.’ Adam laughs.
‘Off stage?’
They both blush. It’s definitely an ‘ah huh’ moment. ‘Oh? Tell me more.’
‘Well truthfully, it was pretty much just kissing,’ Adam says.
‘True,’ Tommy adds. ‘But living closely as we were on tour for six months, occasionally-‘
‘Less than that,’ Adam interrupts. ‘Maybe twice…’
‘Okay, maybe twice. Add Munich and Amsterdam and an alcohol fuelled curiosity on my part…’
‘And my utter irresistibility…’
Tommy deadpans. ‘Nope, it was definitely the drugs.’
They both crack up and it feels like an inside joke. It’s really all I can do to smile at them, because there are interesting thoughts in my head about exactly what happened. Pretty sure I’m not going to be allowed a glimpse that far into their personal lives.
‘Europe was an eye opener,’ Tommy says when he stops laughing.
‘Yeah,’ Adam agrees. ‘There were many nights on the US leg of the tour that we’d all sit around drinking and relaxing. Tommy would always snuggle up to me, or use those strong fingers of his giving me a massage after a show.’
Tommy waggles his fingers. ‘Guitar playing gives your fingers strength, flexibility and endurance.’
‘Callouses, though,’ Adam says. ‘Anyway, he gives a great massage. Used to send me off into a bliss-filled stupor.’
‘Hedonist.’ Tommy jokes.
‘I never told him until later that whenever I felt like I needed one of his kisses I’d deliberately groan. A lot.’ Adam smirks. ‘He was, still is, always pretty free with his kisses.’
They look into each other’s eyes and smile that private smile they share. The one that speaks of thousands of shared thoughts and dreams and kisses and words.
‘You mentioned Europe being an eye opener, Tommy,’ I remind him. ‘In what way?’
‘Well,’ he says dragging his eyes back to mine. ‘While Adam and I were close, extremely close, it felt dysfunctional in many ways, because we weren’t together and yet there was something there. People assumed stuff that wasn’t happening, but maybe looked like it was and so they treated us as if it were.’
‘That’s right,’ Adam agrees. ‘I guess there was no mistaking what I wanted, even though I tried to hide my feelings as best I could.’
‘You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, Adam,’ I say.
‘Hm,’ is all he says, not sounding happy about it.
‘Europe was just freer,’ Tommy says. ‘And more unreal. It felt like a whole different world and my perspective changed on a lot of things. And you know what they say about best laid plans coming unstuck?’
*****
’Tommy, you coming?’ Isaac called from the hotel hallway outside Tommy’s room.
‘Later, I need some down time,’ Tommy called back. He really didn’t feel like braving the cold of the night, let alone the crowds at the club. Besides, watching Adam schmooze over some boy in a nightlclub was not his favourite way of spending an evening. Especially as he didn’t dance. At all. Ever. Which usually meant he table sat with Monte, nursing several drinks, and watching everyone else enjoy themselves.
He had to admit, he was tired. And confused as hell.
‘Tommy, open up,’ Isaac said.
Tommy sighed and opened the door, prepared to defend his need for some alone time, only to see the determined look on Isaac’s face. Clearly he wasn’t going to be able to escape the questions. Tommy knew that look so he stepped aside and let Isaac in. ‘I’m not really in the mood for this,’ he protested weakly, knowing it was futile.
‘Tough. This is the third time this week you’ve not wanted to go out with us. Adam thinks he’s done something to piss you off. Brooke thinks you’re missing home but Monte reckons you’re just wanking.’ Isaac finished with a grin that didn’t reach his eyes.
‘Not any of that,’ Tommy insisted. ‘And I’m not mad at Adam,’ he argued. ‘Just…fuck.’
‘Maybe that’s your problem,’ Isaac said slyly. ‘We all know there is something going on between the two of you.’
‘Nothing’s going¬-‘ Tommy started.
Isaac held his hands up in front of him. ‘Not our business what it is and I’m not interfering at all,’ Isaac interrupted. ‘But whatever is going on in that pretty head of yours is affecting the rest of us. This is not like you.’
‘You know I like time to myself,’ Tommy insisted.
‘Yes, and state side it was fine but over here you said you wanted to see all the nightlife, experience all the things.’
‘And so?’
‘We worry about you.’
‘Yeah, well you don’t need to worry about me,’ Tommy said, heading to the mini bar and grabbing a beer. ‘I’m fine. You can all go out and enjoy yourselves. Tell Monte I’m wanking if it makes you feel any better.’ He popped the cap and took a healthy swig of the cold beer. He grimaced at the taste and muttered under his breath. ‘We only ever end up watching Adam pick up his sleazy one night stands anyway.’
‘You’re jealous?’
Isaac’s incredulous tone makes Tommy swear silently.
‘Since when have you cared that he picks up more often than not?’
‘I don’t care,’ Tommy lied. He did care; he just had no idea why, and why now after he’d only ever given fleeting thought to dating Adam himself, way back at that awkward as fuck Valentine’s dinner.
‘You do or you wouldn’t be so bitchy about it,’ Isaac argued. ‘C’mon man, we can dance around this all night but we both know you’ll end up talking because I’m not leaving until you do. Or you can cut the shit now and just tell me what’s going on. Get it over and done with.’
Isaac was a real fucking piece of work when he was right. It wasn’t that often, really, but the man was perceptive when it came to his friends. Fucker, Tommy thought.
‘Geez, all right,’ he said giving in reluctantly. ‘Get yourself a beer and sit down.’
Isaac did as he was told with a barely concealed grin. ‘Will I have to tear the boss-man a new one after this?’ he asked.
‘What? No! What makes you say that?’
‘Just asking. Need to know if this is a three beer conversation or a six pack.’ Isaac sits down opposite Tommy.
A wry grin lifted the corner of Tommy’s mouth. ‘How do you figure that?’
‘Well,’ Isaac replied pulling the top off the bottle and taking a swig. ‘If I am going to hear about a sexual identity crisis, that might be a three beer job, but, man, if I need to rip the boss a new one and lose my job it might take a six pack.’
‘I think your job’s safe.’ Tommy feels oddly gratified that he has such a good friend in Isaac - who is pretty sure would never contemplate hurting Adam, least of all because Adam is twice his size. Isaac’s intentions were clear though; he was supporting Tommy all the way. Which was hardly fair to Adam really. None of this was Adam’s fault.
‘Sexual identity crisis it is then,’ Isaac grins. ‘Too bad, I coulda kicked his ass for you. After a six pack.’
‘Right.’ Tommy said doubtfully and then laughed. Despite the knot of confused anxiety sitting heavy in his stomach, he felt like he was being a drama queen about everything. It was all a bit ridiculous. Nice to see Isaac wasn’t intimidated by what was surely a mid-life crisis - at the ripe old age of twenty-nine.
For a moment Tommy played with the idea of telling Isaac it was really nothing, and joining the gang at the club. Isaac opening his beer, taking a long sip and looking at Tommy intently put paid to that idea. Isaac was like a bloody terrier; once he grabbed onto an idea he wasn’t letting it go until he was satisfied. And Tommy knew he would only be satisfied with the truth. Shit of it was though that Tommy was so damned confused he had no idea what the truth was.
‘So, spill. When did you decide that Adam’s dick did it for you?’
Tommy snorted and almost choked on his own beer.
‘Oh, come on, you can’t tell me nothing’s happened. All this kissing and cuddling and stupid cheesy nicknames for each other. I know you’re really close, besties even, but…’
Tommy tried to shrug it off as nothing. ‘Couple drunken hook-ups. Nothing much. A hand is a hand is a hand, right…?’ He failed spectacularly at being casual and he knew it.
‘Really? Don’t remember you ever offering me or Monte or Terr…’
‘Ew, Isaac,’ Tommy protested.
‘Which kinda proves my point.’
Tommy looked at him exasperated because that meant nothing at all. Nothing.
‘Tommy,’ Isaac said seriously. ‘There is nothing wrong with admitting you’re attracted to Adam. You denying it is kinda like you saying being attracted to a guy is a bad thing…’
‘I’d never think that!’ Tommy protested, annoyed Isaac could even suggest that.
‘How it comes across, dude. Everything you and Adam have been fighting against.
‘Really?’ Tommy felt like he’d been slugged in the gut. Was he really so set on preserving his heterosexuality at all costs? Even at the expense of making his attraction to Adam a less than desirable option?
‘Okay, so I am attracted to him,’ Tommy admitted. ‘I seriously don’t think that’s the problem though. It’s more why am I attracted to him.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Like…I mean he’s hot and he has amazing eyes and legs, and…’
‘Wait, are you going to list everything you like about him?’
‘No, why?’ Tommy frowned.
‘Just asking. I’d tune out for a while if you were.’
‘Dick,’ Tommy said, kicking his ankle.
‘Well, you talk about him all the time, Tommy. I heard it all before, dude.’
‘I do not talk about him all the time. Do I?’
Isaac nodded and Tommy sighed, giving in.
‘I just… like, he’s so great and I can never forget he gave me this amazing opportunity to experience all this…’
‘And you earned your place in this band. And don’t you ever forget it.’
‘I know, I know.’ Tommy nods. ‘But this attraction thing…it’s come out of nowhere.’
‘I doubt that. What’s the problem being attracted to him, then? You know he wears his heart on his sleeve for you. You gotta know it’s returned, dude.’
‘Is it attraction though, and not just gratitude?’ Tommy voiced the fear he’d been carrying the last few weeks. Ever since that hand hadn’t really felt like just any hand but Adam’s hand.
Even before then Tommy knew he’d do anything for Adam, he adored him, looked up to him, dare he even think it…worshipped him. But all that had become tangled in this thing he could only name as attraction. And what if it was for all the wrong reasons?
‘I can’t tell you how you feel, dude, but he’s obviously into you so you gotta make sure, cos it looks like he thinks it’s mutual.’
Tommy cringed and shook his head. ‘I know it kinda is, but we sorta talked about it.’
‘Kinda? Sorta? You talked or you didn’t.’
‘He…’ Damn, but this talking about “feelings” was shit. And Tommy was shit at it; he never could find the right words. ‘He …’ oh, fuck it, Tommy thought. ‘I told him… he asked me and I told him I couldn’t date him.’
‘Wow. For real?’ Isaac indicated he wanted another beer so Tommy, happy for the interruption, obliged. When he sat down again, Isaac faced him.
‘When?’
‘Ages ago. I mean I had thought about it, because yeah, I love the man to bits and we’re so good together on stage and close as brothers off stage and…’ Tommy shrugged.
‘But you still considered yourself straight?’
‘Something like that,’ Tommy agreed.
‘So why the action then?’
Tommy snorted. ‘You know that as well as we do. Drugs and alcohol and a latent curiosity freed when inhibitions flew out the window.’
‘So your straight is bendy now then?’
Tommy wrinkled his nose and shook his head. ‘Think Adam might be the only one I would have tried anything with. My only exception, if you will.’
‘Let me get this straight. You and Adam are so good together that you consider being with him, decide not to because you’re actually straight, and now after all these months, experiment with him, and decide that maybe you should after all?’
‘Well, yes but is the attraction real? Like, am I just getting used to all the kissing and cuddling because I’m so comfortable with him, or…?’
‘Does it matter that much why? You like the guy, you want him, so why not?’
Tommy huffed. ‘Because it has to be for the right reasons! What if it’s not?’
‘Then one of you gets hurt. Look, you take the same risk in any relationship you enter into. Wake up, Tommy. Love is worth nothing if it’s not worth the risk of getting hurt.
Part Two