Listen, internet (particularly you youngsters, who (let's face it) probably aren't on lj anyway, but should be, because here is some truth for you): my friends and I, we've been joking for awhile now about Second Puberty. See, you hit a certain age, which I will not name because I am a lady, and things? They start to happen.

LIke what, you ask, ( Read more... )

This Monday is frozen, this whole week stilled by cold. The ground is dull and hard. Every heel strike my boots make sounds hollow; the rubber is too cold to yield against the pavement. Instead, the impact shivers up the back of my legs, stopping just short of my spine.

Inside, it's no better. Part of me is always cold, no matter how well- ( Read more... )

It really is too late for me to be an astronaut, isn't it?

Unless I pay someone to fly me to the moon, Lance Bass-style, I'm never going to wake up weightless. I'm never going to watch the sun rise over the Earth. I'm never going to tweet from outer space, let alone take jaw-dropping pictures of the deserts and rivers and cities we know, ( Read more... )

I really hate salad. This may come as a surprise to some of you, given how much I consume. But it's true.

I eat salad at mealtimes, but I don't consider it a food. It's a pile of leaves, or of chunky vegetables, or (if the chef has gotten all fancy-like) finely chopped sticks. It's something I put in my mouth to stop myself from putting other ( Read more... )

I would be a terrible, terrible auntie.

This is how I know: my neighbours acquired a puppy. I know because they came over to apologize for it; they were worried that its whining during crate training might disturb me. Oh no, I assured them, I don't mind at all. I used to have dogs back home--I hardly even hear it! Don't give it another thought ( Read more... )

The following things actually happened during an hour-long conversation between me, the top third of the refrigerator and the bottom half of the liquor cabinet, a blinding set of pot lights, the right side of my mom's face, and my father's left ear. And, occasionally, when he coughed, his left elbow.

My mother rotated the entire computer rather ( Read more... )

Sometimes I go home. Or on vacation. Or out on my balcony, for hours on end.

I disappear into books. Or blogs. Or Netflix. The Walking Dead, Dexter, Charlie Wilson's War.

I play sports. (Or at least I try.) I play the field. (Or at least I try.)

I drink wine. I eat crackers.

I lose myself at work.

I start a million different pieces, finish none ( Read more... )

I. what i watched on my christmas vacation: one-line movie reviews

Dark Knight Rises: That kid from 3rd Rock sure turned out well.
The Bourne Legacy: Say no to drugs.
Skyfall: James Bond + Home Alone
Jiro Dreams of Sushi: Eldest kids get the shaft.
Lawless: Mennonite girls shouldn't date boys with a still.
Premium Rush: This entire movie could have been ( Read more... )

There comes a point in the lifespan of an extended cold where people lose all sympathy for you ( Read more... )

Help, internet: a dilemma. I have been watching an old man in a pretty sharp blazer attempt to use air canada's web check-in for nearly 15 minutes now. This should be a 15-second procedure. Do I try to step in, aging and emasculating him in the process, or do I let him learn on his own, the way nature intended ( Read more... )