the ugly-ness of competition

[januarysun]

Well, i'm starting to realize that I am competitive to a fault. like, once i see a challenge that I feel i need to take on, it consumes my life and i can't let it go until i feel that i win. this seems to have become the case with dan's ex girlfriend. it's completely ridiculous because 1. they aren't even friends 2. we are engaged, so it's not like

Comments

[dirtycloud]

girl, you let those feelings accumulate, and it's like you put a big sign on the universe saying "bad vibes GO HERE"

you need to probe your angry feelings about this girl and come to the root of what really troubles you. i guarantee it really is an insecurity or fear you feel about yourself that your mind is masking with these bad feelings for this other person.

you have to remember, harboring bad feelings for this person is like having them walking through your life every day. even worse, because you can't hit them and make them go away. i think once you come to terms with the true message behind these feelings, you'll find you're able to let go of them with greater ease.

remember: you only feel strongly about things you care about: so why do you care about this person so much? start by asking yourself this question, and keep asking yourself questions until you come to the heart of it.

[januarysun]

yeah, i did that already...and this is what i came up with. at first i thought it was an insecurity, but then when i thought about it some more, i realized that i don't think it is. it's a competition thing. i should have clarified that she isn't like, constantly on my mind, it's only when she gets brought up in conversation that i start thinking about it again. it all really started when dan and i got into a huge fight about her making a comment about me. that's probably why i hate her so much. she caused a HUGE fight, like with tears and everything, it still makes me mad when i think about it because dan thought i should just let her comment slide (which of course is the right thing to do in most cases) and i wanted to say something back and it escalated between dan and i instead of her and i. but,she's not the only person i hold a grudge against. i have trouble with grudges in general. like, i still hate "fat laurie" some whore i went to high school with that made out with my boyfriend when i was 16. it's so freaking bizarre. i

[dirtycloud]

it happens. there are still some people i wouldn't want to be in a room with. i just do my best to avoid them. out of sight, out of mind i guess...

[januarysun]

i'm having one of those days where i'm VERY critical of myself. and i feel like a bad person for getting pretty angry at things that most people can let slide.

[redvector]

I have no advice for overcoming, merely commiseration. therefore, I will keep mum!

[januarysun]

well, thanks for the sympathy anyway, frank :-)