The idea is good, but the writing seems far too clinically detached and sequential.
It sounds more like a man reciting what had happened to him in his past without managing to make the readers actually feel it. An increase in description, a bit more attempt at emotion: the story could've hit hard but instead feels as if it just missed what it was intending.
I agree, it's so dreadful. XD What/who on Earth was I channeling?!
But in a way, he IS detached...he's pretty much completely selfish in his internet experiences. He doesn't -feel- -- he reacts. I'm not sure whether I was trying to work to a stereotype of guys...but it seems slightly overdone to me. Hmm, I'll think about it, perhaps I could refine this some day.
In any case, thanks much for your comment! Dearly appreciated! (Though I'm kinda embarrassed someone actually commented on this one...it's quite lousy. XD)
Doesnt sound very guy-ish. Guys don seem to do so much talking, even in their heads. Unless he's a unique guy. But as he said so himself, I found him rather like an average guy.
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It sounds more like a man reciting what had happened to him in his past without managing to make the readers actually feel it. An increase in description, a bit more attempt at emotion: the story could've hit hard but instead feels as if it just missed what it was intending.
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But in a way, he IS detached...he's pretty much completely selfish in his internet experiences. He doesn't -feel- -- he reacts. I'm not sure whether I was trying to work to a stereotype of guys...but it seems slightly overdone to me. Hmm, I'll think about it, perhaps I could refine this some day.
In any case, thanks much for your comment! Dearly appreciated! (Though I'm kinda embarrassed someone actually commented on this one...it's quite lousy. XD)
Zhai'helleva, Stille'sawola,
~jenn~
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Good idea tho :)
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I'm sure there're guys out there who do much talkings in their heads. :)
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