Out Of Choices Update
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 6: Discernment (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape, 4. Defeat, 5. Triumph)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 3,044
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
from Edward's POV
6. Discernment
I couldn’t bear the thought of being locked up in another classroom. I was so consumed by my anger and emotions that I felt like I could lose control at any second. It wasn’t safe for me to be around humans anymore. I needed to get away and clear my head. I found Emmett in the hallway outside of our Spanish class and stopped only briefly in the hallway to flip him my keys.
“What’s up bro?” he inquired casually.
“Nothing,” I grumbled. “I just have to go. Tell our teacher I was ill and drive everybody home, ok? Oh, and Alice has that mentoring thing after school so someone will need to come back and get her.”
‘You ok?’ he asked me silently, his expression worried.
I shook my head and took off. I didn’t want to explain any further. I don’t think I could have for I didn’t understand much of it myself. And I couldn’t stop to try and put it in to words. No amount of support from my brother would soothe my nerves at this point. I needed to be alone, to find a way to reorganize my thoughts and let off some steam, and a good run would surely do that for me. I begrudgingly ordered my legs to walk at a human pace towards the parking lot. With each step closer to the forest my mask of humanity became more uncomfortable. The forest called to me. The hard cement pavement pressed against the soles of my feet uncomfortably. As soon as the softness of the forest floor was underfoot I could feel my control dissolving and the moment I was sure that I could not be seen from the school I allowed my feet to take me into the speed that I so urgently needed.
I was halfway to Seattle by the time I allowed myself to slow, before I felt alone enough to stop and abated enough to consider the events of the afternoon. My exchange with Bella had left me excessively agitated and confused. I was more of a mess emotionally today than I had been physiologically the day we first crossed paths. The physiological symptoms from that first day were agonizing and painful but logical, because Bella’s blood appealed to me in such a piercing and violently intense way. But the emotional tumult I found myself currently in was completely illogical. This girl was nothing to me, no better than an annoyance and yet I found myself almost smothered by a multitude of emotions, anger and irritation and confusion and even some phantom emotion that I had yet to name. How was it possible that she could elicit not just these emotions but do so with such strength and potency as to overwhelm my sensibility?
And she was so curiously unaffected by it all! It was infuriating! None of my attempts at manipulation had brought forth anything of consequence. In fact there was not really any response at all from her. I questioned whether or not I had studied Bella’s habits closely enough. Perhaps I had to delve deeper into her psyche to get at the things that really bothered her? Or was this simply a case of emotional incapability? Conceivably something could have happened in her past that had emotionally stunted her or even rendered her wholly incapable of feeling emotion at all. While that certainly seemed to be the way she reacted with regard to me, I had seen her get angry with other students. Surely she was capable of other emotions besides anger even if I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes. The realization only left me with more questions.
I began to ponder what she had made me feel today. Anger was most certainly one of the emotions. I was angry that I could not get a response from her, angry that she was able to ignore me so thoroughly yet somehow manage to note my small mistake with Mr. Banner, angry that Mike had interrupted us, and angry that I had lost the game. My anger at her lack of response was one in the same with my anger at losing the game to her. It was based more on control than sense. I simply did not like to lose and it didn’t happen very often. My brothers would attest to that. Of course my brothers had always accused me of cheating because I was able to read their minds the moment they decided a move and correct my own strategy accordingly. Bella’s closed mind did not afford me the normal advantages I was used to in this department.
My anger at Mike’s disruption was similar to my anger towards Bella ignoring me so entirely. Mike’s interruption had prevented me from securing Bella’s attention exclusively, and Bella’s ability to so fully ignore me had kept me from securing the attention that I sought from her at all. So basically I was angry because I didn’t get the attention I was seeking from Bella and because I had lost the game. The problem became crystal clear. I was a two-year-old child, or at least had the emotions of a two year old. The confusion and irritation were simply side effects of the loss. My anger shifted inwards. There was no one to be angry with but myself. Imbecile didn’t seem like a strong enough derogation to use. Only a callow and stupid man would allow himself to be manipulated as I had done and by the single biggest danger in my existence. It was more than pathetic. There was no excuse for it.
Keeping Bella safe from me seemed to be evolving into something increasingly more complicated. My control had slipped. My mask had slipped. My survival skills had crashed and burned with so little effort on Bella’s part that I was almost embarrassed by it. I needed all of these tools and more if I had any hope of succeeding at keeping her alive. I needed more understanding of the entire situation, not just of the things I was feeling but also of Bella Swan herself, and I had no clue how to get what I needed. Her secrets were tightly bound in the depths of her mind and her mind was completely closed off from everyone, including me. There were no sisters or brothers I was aware of that I could go to for information. I knew nothing of her family situation. I vowed to look into it further. Someone from somewhere in the timeline of Bella’s life would have to know some of her well-protected secrets. I might have to be cunning, I might have to be cruel but I would get to the bottom of it. After all, killing the girl was certainly crueller than dredging up her past.
But what of the other emotion that I had felt so profoundly, the one that felt so strangely new and unfamiliar, the one that I did not understand? Perchance it was tied to the anger brought on by Bella’s superb observational skills. I couldn’t decide if I was truly angry with Bella for noticing my slip up or angry with myself for making the mistake in the first place. Likely it was a little bit of both. Above everyone else I had to be on guard around her. There was no room for error and allowing her to see me lose control for even the briefest of moments was indeed a grave error. I could not allow it to happen again. I suppose it was unreasonable for me to assume that she would be like other humans with respect to observations. She was unlike any other human I had come across in so many ways. Her keen awareness was just another illustration of Bella’s bizarrely unique station in my life.
So how had she made me feel - uncertain, unskilful, gauche, exposed. Perhaps the notion of exposition was important here? Did her considerable observational skills make me feel fearful that she might figure out what I was? No, even for her that seemed highly unlikely. It had to be more than exposure that had me reeling. Was I just a poor sport, lamenting over having lost for the first time? It didn’t think so. It felt like more than that. After all, the bottom line was controlling my thirst. Beyond controlling the girl’s actions during our class together to aid in that end I had no want to control the girl. I had no want to be around the girl whatsoever. I was forced into thinking about her for preparation’s sake. It’s not as if I was allowing myself to daydream about what she would taste like or how I might outwit her to kill her. In fact it was the exact opposite. I only wanted to outwit her to keep us both safe. It was her manipulation that was keeping me from doing so.
It was a first to have fallen prey to manipulation though. I’d never experienced it before. It just wasn’t possible until Bella, what with my gift for reading thoughts. Not that I was entirely dependent on my gift either. My kind were notoriously smart, observant and quick and I was no exception. It was admirable really to posses such skills that would circumvent someone as intelligent as myself.
I was suddenly uncomfortable and realized that the same fleeting fear that had predisposed the unknown emotion was creeping back up on me. I took a deep breath and relaxed, easing myself into the fear instead of fighting it, allowing it to over take me completely. The fear gave way and I was left with an image of light filling my mind. I struggled to understand it and to apply it to Bella’s manipulation. Filtering out the feelings of uncertainty and awkwardness that her manipulation had instilled in me, a number of things became clear. She was the first human that I had ever encountered that took such a concerted effort on my behalf to deal with. She was certainly the first human to ever make me feel anything richer than boredom or disdain. And without a doubt she was the only human who had ever beat me at my own game. As I examined the newness, rawness and strength of emotion this girl had wrought in me something clicked. Perhaps that was the crux of it? Not the emotions that she had made me feel but the fact that she had made me feel anything at all? The vexing disruption in my life that was Bella Swan had somehow made me feel, feel beyond the bounds of my kind, feel something I had long ago feared lost, my own humanity. Bella may be a vexation and she may be a disruption, but she was also a salvation of sorts. And the unnamed emotion I was drowning in? Awe.
~~~~~
My latest revelation left me even more unsettled. The duplicity of being in awe of the girl’s ability to make me feel human again and of loathing the desperate desire for her blood could not be resolved to any peaceful satisfaction. My mood was impossibly more edgy and foul than it had been earlier in the day. I hid away in my room, wishing to keep to myself until I more fully understood the situation and how to handle it. It’s not that my family wouldn’t be supportive or even helpful in some cases, more that I could not resist the strong inclination to remain reticent in the matter. Bella was an enigma and as hard as I tried to be disinterested in her I was anything but. It was almost a perverse game of torture now, one that seemed to be endlessly more complicated with each passing second.
I waited alone for darkness to set in and steal the safety and brightness of the human world. I needed to befriend the shadows to achieve my goals tonight. I had spent much of the last hour rationalizing what I was about to do. It was all rather preposterous really considering the many crimes I had committed during my lifetime. Breaking and entering was hardly a crime at all relative to some of the atrocities I had been privy to. It was more the reason behind the crime that I was rationalizing - that I was stooping to illegal means to gain information on a girl I wanted to murder. I could dress it up any way I wished but that was in essence what I was after. I sighed, disgusted with myself, but that didn’t stop me from slinking off into the night once I was satisfied that the darkness was thick enough.
I didn’t bother with my car. It would only alert my family to my errand thus opening myself up for a multitude of questions I did not wish to answer. I would rather say nothing than lie to them outrightly. I made my way back to the school through the forest. The building that housed the office was almost completely darkened. I was pleased, as it would make my job simpler. I went around behind the building and away from any traffic on the street so my privacy would be assured. The large metal door was locked. The gentleman in me checked before I proceeded to snap the lock with my hands. It was just easier and less messy than breaking a window. I had the strength. Why not use it?
I wasted no time seeking out the filing cabinets and scanning the drawers for ‘S.’ I had to know. This was the only way. After blowing out one long breath I opened the drawer and ran my fingers over the tabs as my eyes perused the names. It wasn’t difficult to find, located right between Lorraine Stanton and Adam Sweetin. I was disgusted with myself but pulled the folder out and opened it anyway.
The words flew by my greedy eyes as I set all of the details of Bella’s scholastic career into my memory, her achievements - grade point averages and dean’s list appointments and recommendations of character, and her failures - detentions, countless unaccounted for absences and a suspension for fighting. Her life had seemingly done a complete reversal, from top of the class to bottom of the barrel, but due to what? I read further. It was all there in black and white, tens of notes from concerned teachers chronicling Bella’s downward spiral. It started with phrases like “no longer participating in class” and “disinterested in school activities” and moved on to “inattentive” and “uncommunicative” and “nonreactive behaviour.” There were multiple recommendations for counselling that characterized her as combative and angry. That was the Bella Swan I knew. What had changed her into that?
My hands anxiously flipped the pages of the file searching for the psychologist’s notes. Did I really want to find them? I had never felt like a bigger cad in my life. I reminded myself that this was for both our goods, for my livelihood and her life and while it alleviated little of my guilt it gave me the determination to go on. My eyes fell upon a single page of parchment that stood out from the other plainer printed pages. It reminded me of stationary I had seen amongst Carlisle’s things, sheets he used for doctor’s notes, the information I had been looking for.
“Bella is a complex, intelligent girl who is reeling from the loss of her mother. Her behaviour is well with the normal range of what is expected from a child who has lost a parent to terminal disease. Her anger is vast and intense but understandable as her relationship with the deceased was the singular defining relationship of her life. Her father died in her infancy and she has no other family. While she has accepted the reality of her mother’s death I do not believe that the consequences of her death have fully hit yet. Upon reading family histories, school records and interviews with Bella I must conclude that she is not past the worst of her grieving yet. The amount of time required for her recovery is undetermined. I believe that only time and patience will aid in Bella’s success in coming to terms with her loss. I would recommend further counselling once she is resettled with her uncle.”
I blinked disbelievingly at the sheet in front of me dated almost three months prior to today’s date. Bella had still not yet come out of the anger phase of grieving. I simultaneously struggled to understand her profound loss and accept the resulting self-hatred for how I would exploit the information. Surely there was nothing more evil and ruthless than to manipulate pain of such a personal and deep magnitude. The irony was not lost on me, that I was willing to inflict malevolent and iniquitous pain on the girl to avoid killing her, a misery that would likely burn far worse than the pain of death. That in order to prove to myself that I was not just a monster ruled by its bloodlust that I was willing to become a different monster, something so heinous and nefarious as to obliterate the feelings of someone else just to prove a point. Killing her would be far more just than what I was about to do.
I replaced the contents of the folder and placed the folder into the drawer. I left no trace of ever having been there and skulked away into the darkness. The cover of night could not hide my shame. I argued with myself for most of the night. Was I even capable of such treachery? There had to be another way. I endlessly searched my mind for the elusive course of action that would relieve me of the horrible schemes that plagued my thoughts. I saw her face in my mind, the blankness of her expression, the nothingness, the detached manner with which she conducted her day-to-day activities. Was I willing to replace Bella’s numbness with the most severe of misery? Was I willing to absolutely crush my opponent to ensure a victory? I did not know the answer to that question.
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Chapter 6: Discernment (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape, 4. Defeat, 5. Triumph)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 3,044
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
from Edward's POV
6. Discernment
I couldn’t bear the thought of being locked up in another classroom. I was so consumed by my anger and emotions that I felt like I could lose control at any second. It wasn’t safe for me to be around humans anymore. I needed to get away and clear my head. I found Emmett in the hallway outside of our Spanish class and stopped only briefly in the hallway to flip him my keys.
“What’s up bro?” he inquired casually.
“Nothing,” I grumbled. “I just have to go. Tell our teacher I was ill and drive everybody home, ok? Oh, and Alice has that mentoring thing after school so someone will need to come back and get her.”
‘You ok?’ he asked me silently, his expression worried.
I shook my head and took off. I didn’t want to explain any further. I don’t think I could have for I didn’t understand much of it myself. And I couldn’t stop to try and put it in to words. No amount of support from my brother would soothe my nerves at this point. I needed to be alone, to find a way to reorganize my thoughts and let off some steam, and a good run would surely do that for me. I begrudgingly ordered my legs to walk at a human pace towards the parking lot. With each step closer to the forest my mask of humanity became more uncomfortable. The forest called to me. The hard cement pavement pressed against the soles of my feet uncomfortably. As soon as the softness of the forest floor was underfoot I could feel my control dissolving and the moment I was sure that I could not be seen from the school I allowed my feet to take me into the speed that I so urgently needed.
I was halfway to Seattle by the time I allowed myself to slow, before I felt alone enough to stop and abated enough to consider the events of the afternoon. My exchange with Bella had left me excessively agitated and confused. I was more of a mess emotionally today than I had been physiologically the day we first crossed paths. The physiological symptoms from that first day were agonizing and painful but logical, because Bella’s blood appealed to me in such a piercing and violently intense way. But the emotional tumult I found myself currently in was completely illogical. This girl was nothing to me, no better than an annoyance and yet I found myself almost smothered by a multitude of emotions, anger and irritation and confusion and even some phantom emotion that I had yet to name. How was it possible that she could elicit not just these emotions but do so with such strength and potency as to overwhelm my sensibility?
And she was so curiously unaffected by it all! It was infuriating! None of my attempts at manipulation had brought forth anything of consequence. In fact there was not really any response at all from her. I questioned whether or not I had studied Bella’s habits closely enough. Perhaps I had to delve deeper into her psyche to get at the things that really bothered her? Or was this simply a case of emotional incapability? Conceivably something could have happened in her past that had emotionally stunted her or even rendered her wholly incapable of feeling emotion at all. While that certainly seemed to be the way she reacted with regard to me, I had seen her get angry with other students. Surely she was capable of other emotions besides anger even if I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes. The realization only left me with more questions.
I began to ponder what she had made me feel today. Anger was most certainly one of the emotions. I was angry that I could not get a response from her, angry that she was able to ignore me so thoroughly yet somehow manage to note my small mistake with Mr. Banner, angry that Mike had interrupted us, and angry that I had lost the game. My anger at her lack of response was one in the same with my anger at losing the game to her. It was based more on control than sense. I simply did not like to lose and it didn’t happen very often. My brothers would attest to that. Of course my brothers had always accused me of cheating because I was able to read their minds the moment they decided a move and correct my own strategy accordingly. Bella’s closed mind did not afford me the normal advantages I was used to in this department.
My anger at Mike’s disruption was similar to my anger towards Bella ignoring me so entirely. Mike’s interruption had prevented me from securing Bella’s attention exclusively, and Bella’s ability to so fully ignore me had kept me from securing the attention that I sought from her at all. So basically I was angry because I didn’t get the attention I was seeking from Bella and because I had lost the game. The problem became crystal clear. I was a two-year-old child, or at least had the emotions of a two year old. The confusion and irritation were simply side effects of the loss. My anger shifted inwards. There was no one to be angry with but myself. Imbecile didn’t seem like a strong enough derogation to use. Only a callow and stupid man would allow himself to be manipulated as I had done and by the single biggest danger in my existence. It was more than pathetic. There was no excuse for it.
Keeping Bella safe from me seemed to be evolving into something increasingly more complicated. My control had slipped. My mask had slipped. My survival skills had crashed and burned with so little effort on Bella’s part that I was almost embarrassed by it. I needed all of these tools and more if I had any hope of succeeding at keeping her alive. I needed more understanding of the entire situation, not just of the things I was feeling but also of Bella Swan herself, and I had no clue how to get what I needed. Her secrets were tightly bound in the depths of her mind and her mind was completely closed off from everyone, including me. There were no sisters or brothers I was aware of that I could go to for information. I knew nothing of her family situation. I vowed to look into it further. Someone from somewhere in the timeline of Bella’s life would have to know some of her well-protected secrets. I might have to be cunning, I might have to be cruel but I would get to the bottom of it. After all, killing the girl was certainly crueller than dredging up her past.
But what of the other emotion that I had felt so profoundly, the one that felt so strangely new and unfamiliar, the one that I did not understand? Perchance it was tied to the anger brought on by Bella’s superb observational skills. I couldn’t decide if I was truly angry with Bella for noticing my slip up or angry with myself for making the mistake in the first place. Likely it was a little bit of both. Above everyone else I had to be on guard around her. There was no room for error and allowing her to see me lose control for even the briefest of moments was indeed a grave error. I could not allow it to happen again. I suppose it was unreasonable for me to assume that she would be like other humans with respect to observations. She was unlike any other human I had come across in so many ways. Her keen awareness was just another illustration of Bella’s bizarrely unique station in my life.
So how had she made me feel - uncertain, unskilful, gauche, exposed. Perhaps the notion of exposition was important here? Did her considerable observational skills make me feel fearful that she might figure out what I was? No, even for her that seemed highly unlikely. It had to be more than exposure that had me reeling. Was I just a poor sport, lamenting over having lost for the first time? It didn’t think so. It felt like more than that. After all, the bottom line was controlling my thirst. Beyond controlling the girl’s actions during our class together to aid in that end I had no want to control the girl. I had no want to be around the girl whatsoever. I was forced into thinking about her for preparation’s sake. It’s not as if I was allowing myself to daydream about what she would taste like or how I might outwit her to kill her. In fact it was the exact opposite. I only wanted to outwit her to keep us both safe. It was her manipulation that was keeping me from doing so.
It was a first to have fallen prey to manipulation though. I’d never experienced it before. It just wasn’t possible until Bella, what with my gift for reading thoughts. Not that I was entirely dependent on my gift either. My kind were notoriously smart, observant and quick and I was no exception. It was admirable really to posses such skills that would circumvent someone as intelligent as myself.
I was suddenly uncomfortable and realized that the same fleeting fear that had predisposed the unknown emotion was creeping back up on me. I took a deep breath and relaxed, easing myself into the fear instead of fighting it, allowing it to over take me completely. The fear gave way and I was left with an image of light filling my mind. I struggled to understand it and to apply it to Bella’s manipulation. Filtering out the feelings of uncertainty and awkwardness that her manipulation had instilled in me, a number of things became clear. She was the first human that I had ever encountered that took such a concerted effort on my behalf to deal with. She was certainly the first human to ever make me feel anything richer than boredom or disdain. And without a doubt she was the only human who had ever beat me at my own game. As I examined the newness, rawness and strength of emotion this girl had wrought in me something clicked. Perhaps that was the crux of it? Not the emotions that she had made me feel but the fact that she had made me feel anything at all? The vexing disruption in my life that was Bella Swan had somehow made me feel, feel beyond the bounds of my kind, feel something I had long ago feared lost, my own humanity. Bella may be a vexation and she may be a disruption, but she was also a salvation of sorts. And the unnamed emotion I was drowning in? Awe.
~~~~~
My latest revelation left me even more unsettled. The duplicity of being in awe of the girl’s ability to make me feel human again and of loathing the desperate desire for her blood could not be resolved to any peaceful satisfaction. My mood was impossibly more edgy and foul than it had been earlier in the day. I hid away in my room, wishing to keep to myself until I more fully understood the situation and how to handle it. It’s not that my family wouldn’t be supportive or even helpful in some cases, more that I could not resist the strong inclination to remain reticent in the matter. Bella was an enigma and as hard as I tried to be disinterested in her I was anything but. It was almost a perverse game of torture now, one that seemed to be endlessly more complicated with each passing second.
I waited alone for darkness to set in and steal the safety and brightness of the human world. I needed to befriend the shadows to achieve my goals tonight. I had spent much of the last hour rationalizing what I was about to do. It was all rather preposterous really considering the many crimes I had committed during my lifetime. Breaking and entering was hardly a crime at all relative to some of the atrocities I had been privy to. It was more the reason behind the crime that I was rationalizing - that I was stooping to illegal means to gain information on a girl I wanted to murder. I could dress it up any way I wished but that was in essence what I was after. I sighed, disgusted with myself, but that didn’t stop me from slinking off into the night once I was satisfied that the darkness was thick enough.
I didn’t bother with my car. It would only alert my family to my errand thus opening myself up for a multitude of questions I did not wish to answer. I would rather say nothing than lie to them outrightly. I made my way back to the school through the forest. The building that housed the office was almost completely darkened. I was pleased, as it would make my job simpler. I went around behind the building and away from any traffic on the street so my privacy would be assured. The large metal door was locked. The gentleman in me checked before I proceeded to snap the lock with my hands. It was just easier and less messy than breaking a window. I had the strength. Why not use it?
I wasted no time seeking out the filing cabinets and scanning the drawers for ‘S.’ I had to know. This was the only way. After blowing out one long breath I opened the drawer and ran my fingers over the tabs as my eyes perused the names. It wasn’t difficult to find, located right between Lorraine Stanton and Adam Sweetin. I was disgusted with myself but pulled the folder out and opened it anyway.
The words flew by my greedy eyes as I set all of the details of Bella’s scholastic career into my memory, her achievements - grade point averages and dean’s list appointments and recommendations of character, and her failures - detentions, countless unaccounted for absences and a suspension for fighting. Her life had seemingly done a complete reversal, from top of the class to bottom of the barrel, but due to what? I read further. It was all there in black and white, tens of notes from concerned teachers chronicling Bella’s downward spiral. It started with phrases like “no longer participating in class” and “disinterested in school activities” and moved on to “inattentive” and “uncommunicative” and “nonreactive behaviour.” There were multiple recommendations for counselling that characterized her as combative and angry. That was the Bella Swan I knew. What had changed her into that?
My hands anxiously flipped the pages of the file searching for the psychologist’s notes. Did I really want to find them? I had never felt like a bigger cad in my life. I reminded myself that this was for both our goods, for my livelihood and her life and while it alleviated little of my guilt it gave me the determination to go on. My eyes fell upon a single page of parchment that stood out from the other plainer printed pages. It reminded me of stationary I had seen amongst Carlisle’s things, sheets he used for doctor’s notes, the information I had been looking for.
“Bella is a complex, intelligent girl who is reeling from the loss of her mother. Her behaviour is well with the normal range of what is expected from a child who has lost a parent to terminal disease. Her anger is vast and intense but understandable as her relationship with the deceased was the singular defining relationship of her life. Her father died in her infancy and she has no other family. While she has accepted the reality of her mother’s death I do not believe that the consequences of her death have fully hit yet. Upon reading family histories, school records and interviews with Bella I must conclude that she is not past the worst of her grieving yet. The amount of time required for her recovery is undetermined. I believe that only time and patience will aid in Bella’s success in coming to terms with her loss. I would recommend further counselling once she is resettled with her uncle.”
I blinked disbelievingly at the sheet in front of me dated almost three months prior to today’s date. Bella had still not yet come out of the anger phase of grieving. I simultaneously struggled to understand her profound loss and accept the resulting self-hatred for how I would exploit the information. Surely there was nothing more evil and ruthless than to manipulate pain of such a personal and deep magnitude. The irony was not lost on me, that I was willing to inflict malevolent and iniquitous pain on the girl to avoid killing her, a misery that would likely burn far worse than the pain of death. That in order to prove to myself that I was not just a monster ruled by its bloodlust that I was willing to become a different monster, something so heinous and nefarious as to obliterate the feelings of someone else just to prove a point. Killing her would be far more just than what I was about to do.
I replaced the contents of the folder and placed the folder into the drawer. I left no trace of ever having been there and skulked away into the darkness. The cover of night could not hide my shame. I argued with myself for most of the night. Was I even capable of such treachery? There had to be another way. I endlessly searched my mind for the elusive course of action that would relieve me of the horrible schemes that plagued my thoughts. I saw her face in my mind, the blankness of her expression, the nothingness, the detached manner with which she conducted her day-to-day activities. Was I willing to replace Bella’s numbness with the most severe of misery? Was I willing to absolutely crush my opponent to ensure a victory? I did not know the answer to that question.
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