Week Three September Entry

[jellybeanchichi]

Pregnant pause
by JellybeanChiChi

The following is the  September week three entry for Brigits_Flame. The prompt was pregnant. Thanks for Ruth and Margaret for the beta and suggestions.

Comments

[mermaidbia]

*bounces around clapping her hands*

Oh, that was wonderful!

I think it's my favourite of yours so far...so fricking clever take on the promnpt, and you ROCK at realistic dialogue. There are so many things here that are done in a lovely way...Russell's stupidity*, the easy-going attitude of pregnant people among their peers, the way Russell tried to make it up (THAT really made me smile) the dialogue...it's a wonderful, hilarious piece of work.
I think my favourite bit would be this:

Lily saw Russell’s sincere look and just couldn’t say no. She opened the door wide and invited him in. Then she turned to her friends and yelled for their attention. “OK, ladies. Settle down. Everybody have their water intact?” The comment garnered a few chuckles. “OK, good. I’m going to give the floor to my friend, Russell. Now everybody, be nice.”I liked how Lily more or less silently gave her assent to Russell's apology by simply acting as though his fauxpas hadn't happened. And no backhanded comments a la "Okay, here's my friend Russell, who

[jellybeanchichi]

Wow. Thanks for the kudos. I appreciate it, especially the comments about dialogue. I work hard on that. Now, if I could only get my descriptions up to par :-)
I didn't know who Russell Peters was, but I found him on YouTube. Talking about immigrant families being different from white families --- that's how I felt growing up!
"My dad beat my ass."
"My dad beat my ass too!"
"I got sent to my room?"
"You got a room?"
Hilarious. And the part when he talks like his dad? Oh my God. I have never heard this guy before. Thanks for mentioning him!

"White people, please beat your kids."

[mermaidbia]

YESS!!! Russell Peters for President!!!

"Now this is a true story: I was at KFC in Beijing. 'cause I went to China...to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. Right..."

I wanna marry the guy, seriously.

[innana88]

You deserve any comments on the dialogue you get. You really did a bang-up job with it. I'm highly partial to dialogue in the first place, so when someone does it really well, I want to make sure to give kudos. So, kudos! Well done!

[cedarwolfsinger]

Very funny! Wonderful and FUNNY! Good luck!

[jellybeanchichi]

Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate it. It was fun to write.

Editor

[attentionhoard]

Hi there! I'm going to be one of your editors this round. Instead of correcting your grammar or structure (which may happen), I'm just going to read through your entry a few times and comment on anything that may stick out to me. This is the way I go about my edits. Everything I offer is a suggestion. Take it as lightly or serious as you'd like :)

1. Honestly, this was a strange piece to me. I wasn't quite sure of your intentions and it seemed very, very clunky. What I mean by that is that there seems to be bursts of little moments, without a strong firm spine. The story seemed unbalanced somehow. It's quite difficult to put my finger on it, but reading it through the few times that I have, it just doesn't flow to me. A lot of it, the dialogue, the jokes, Lily's violence, the overall story; it seems somehow forced. I'm just can't help but feel I'm missing something.

2.Some of your jokes seemed forced. ", trying to ground himself, but all he could think of was, “God, I have never see so many huge tits in one place that didn’t have

Re: Editor

[jellybeanchichi]

Hi,
Sorry you didn't like the piece. I did laugh when you mentioned "Lily's violence." Violence? Really? Sounds like you didn't like Lily.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read. I do wish you would offer concrete examples of how you think the piece would be improved. Make a concrete suggestion; change some sentences; add something; talk about specific character development. If you don't think there is a spine, offer a suggestion of how to create a better spine.
Even if you don't like a piece, you shouldn't offer vague criticism because it doesn't help me as a writer.
Best regards,
Jean

Re: Editor

[attentionhoard]

Today is a very busy day for me, but sometime this evening I'll go read through again and make specific references.

Re: Editor

[jellybeanchichi]

Hi,
Don't feel obligated. Just as this is a forum to become better writers, I offered advice to make you a better editor.
If you would like to offer edits, do so on your own time. No worries. If you are completed with your edit, think about some of the stuff I mentioned for future edits.
Thanks so much. Please know I am not hassling you for an edit. I will take some of your suggestions in consideration. If you would like to add more, it would be more than welcome.
Thanks, Jean

[hwango]

I hadn't scrolled all the way down the page, and at first I thought the story ended at “OH MY GOD! I THINK MY WATER BROKE!” , which I actually thought was a great way to end the story. Poor Russell - I'm sure he wishes it had ended there. = )

[jellybeanchichi]

Oh, wowsers. You are right. I should have ended it there. I hadn't even thought of it. And I was struggling with an ending too. Silly, silly. Should have followed my advice: less is more.

Thanks for that suggestion. I'm glad you came to read and replied.
- Jean

[libra_dragon]

Hi, one of the editors here.
First I am not good with grammer at all really when it comes to writing. So I can't really address that and I am sorry.

Reading through it I really enjoyed the piece and thought you did great with the dialogue. It was witty and funny if you ask me. I thought it followed pretty well and can't think of any ways right now to improve it. If I think of some I will come back and comment.

Best of luck!