being bullied… again

[jim_p]

I had a dream last night that I was being bullied. I was in a place that had elements of both a workplace and a public school… we were seated at office desks getting various work-type things done, but I remember having to catch a yellow school bus home at a particular time

Comments

[koshmom]

I totally concur. My brother had a way of doing terribly annoying things to me at the flip of a finger, and then he was expert at manipulating our parents to turn me into a "whiner", then privately chuckling to me with his success. They were stupid things, but really annoying: changing a TV channel I was watching at the apex of the action, so that after the inevitable parental intercession that segment of the show would be over and I lost anyway. Or turning off lights in the room when I'm comfortably cuddled in a blanket reading a book, then leaving the house so I had to get up myself. Don't even mention the feeling of being in a prison with inmates defined as grade school/high school classmates. I had no place in my heart for them while I was enduring their daily nonacceptance of my humanity, let alone now for reunions, etc. It really irks me when people say "Get over it". Am I now supposed to somehow feel close to my brother because now he's a "good guy" who still refuses to acknowledge me when he's travelling near my home (

[jim_p]

To me, deliberate hurtfulness is one of the very few things I cannot forgive under any circumstances, and bullying falls squarely in this category. If a bully later shapes up and becomes human I will acknowledge their growth, but I still can't bring myself to forgive the damage they've done.

It's like the parable of the plate: Smash a plate on the ground, then tell it you're sorry. The apology does not make the plate whole.

[spinrabbit]

Yeah. I'm working really hard on re-structuring the stuff in my head that I installed to get through those days. I'm not actually a box turtle, and while attempting to be one "worked" in that I got to the other side of that time alive, there are all sorts of people bits that have gotten mis-shapen, hardened, or atrophied in the process and it's difficult and painful to recruit them into adult-human-type activity and form.

As for "getting over" maltreatment that's continuing, fuck that noise.