Never Good Enough; (Jongin/Jinri); (2/3)
Jinri figures that she was just never good enough.
Not for Jongin, not for f(x), and not even for herself.
-
Jinri gets her big break in 2009- she is in the final line up for the newest girl group.
That means that she gets to debut in f(x) after four years of long, hard work. That means her dreams feel a little less far away, and that she has something to look forward to and work towards- now, more than ever.
By that time, Jongin has just hit his two-year mark in the company, and he is desperate to catch up (to her, to the other trainees, to everyone).
The moment Jinri finds out and is promptly excused by one of the board directors, she squeals in excitement alongside the four other girls that will soon become her sisters. Then, after that, she immediately runs to the first person she thinks of.
She tears down the halls and rushes as fast as she can to the boy’s dormitories. “Jongin, Kim Jongin!” Jinri chants his name quietly his name as she runs. She bows quickly to the attendants on the first floor but doesn’t stop, way too excited to exchange pleasantries. Jinri runs with a destination in mind; she turns the usual five-minute walk into a two-minute run.
By the time Jinri is winded, but still completely running on adrenaline, she stops short of a familiar looking door with the numbers 114 glued on the front. “Kim Jongin!” she pounds on the door, excited. “Kim Jongin, open up!”
It only feels right to share the news with Jongin first.
The door opens slowly and Jinri is met with a disheveled and sleepy Kim Jongin. “What?” he demands, irritable at being woken up at an ungodly hour of nine a.m. (Because, yes, anything earlier than eleven was simply blasphemous.)
(And then he sees that it’s Jinri and he feels a tad less irritable.)
“I get to debut Jongin, I get to debut.” Jinri is smiling so widely that her mouth and cheeks hurt, but she can’t stop. She has been waiting so long for something to come out of her hard work, and now that it finally has, she just can’t stop smiling.
He stares blankly at her for a moment before his mind finally processes her words- and then he feels something very much akin to excitement.
The slow smile he gives her when she excitedly babbles on about the news is completely genuine. It doesn’t seem like she’ll stop anytime soon on her own accord, so Jongin can’t help but cut her spiel off short. He can’t help hugging her, twirling her around in the process, and telling her that she is going to be a big hit.
(Jinri falls for Jongin the moment she feels his arms encircling her waist, the moment he picks her up out of pure happiness for her, the moment he breaks out into the most beautiful smile she has ever seen- the moment is all hers, and it makes her fall so hard that she almost can't breathe.)
He also can’t help the creeping little sensation that feels strangely like sadness.
Jongin tells her softly after he lets her down not to leave him behind.
“Leave you behind?” Jinri asks. She is still smiling. “Don’t be stupid, Jongin.”
(She ends up telling him the same thing three years down the line.)
-
Practice is even harder now, now that a group has been established; the higher ups are pushing them hard, expecting them to excel and debut. There is always the little threat of being kicked out, of having your chance thrown away- and that’s what makes all of them work that much harder.
And they are all working hard, but somehow, it doesn’t seem like enough.
On one of these certain days, when Jinri’s just not feeling up to par, she can’t help but sigh and ask, ““What if I’m not good enough for the group, Jongin? What if I just slow everyone down?” during one of their regular phone calls.
Jongin gives her the same response every single time. “Shut up, Jinri.”
-
f(x) formally debuts.
-
The night of their formal debut, Jinri cries. She cries the hardest she has cried since she was six and scraped her knee after jumping a fence.
She cries tears of happiness.
She cries tears of success.
She cries tears of hope.
-
It is a strange feeling, Jongin thinks, to see Jinri more through a screen than in person.
f(x) is going through their first round of promotions with La Cha Ta and they’re so busy that Jongin hasn’t seen Jinri face-to-face in a whole month.
It is a weird feeling- it feels like something very much like loneliness, and that makes Jongin feel kind of sick. He supposes it’s because he has gotten used to seeing Jinri on a weekly basis, and has gotten even more used to being able to talk to her (on the phone, by email, or exchanging texts), on an almost daily basis.
When he suddenly can’t do any of those things like he is used to, Jongin almost doesn’t know how to react. She is too busy to pick up his calls, doesn’t have time to reply to emails, and has practically abandoned texting in the past month.
He knows it’s not her fault- she’s out there, living her dreams and working hard. He knows that he is proud of her, knows that he shouldn’t be selfish and expect that everything would be the same, but-
Jongin vaguely figures that he has Jinri withdrawals.
And that kind of scares him.
-
Jongin has no idea how many times he has watched that damn La Cha Ta music video. (Although he finds it rather telling that he knows both the lyrics and choreography by heart.)
(He consoles himself by figuring out that he’s not the only one that can’t stop watching the blasted video- Jongin thinks that both he and Taemin can dance to La Cha Ta rather well.)
He thinks that the song is catchy, that the dance is fun, and that they all look quite pretty (although they’ve all always been pretty)- but he doesn’t quite like how Jinri is wearing those tight pants, because Jinri in those pants is just not fair.
But he supposes that it’s okay (and that he is kind of a creep, because now he is even monitoring her clothing), because it looks like she’s happy.
Or at least, she looks happy (and rather fucking adorable), when she is waving up at Sunyoung. So he supposes that it’s alright.
Anything’s alright, as long as she can smile like that (because he loves seeing that smile).
Jongin, in his completely biased opinion, finds that Jinri is the cutest of them all- and he is proud of that too. (Although Taemin would beg to differ- when the older boy tells him that it’s all about the maknaes, Jongin tells Taemin that he can shove it.)
But as he watches on, sees some of their live performances, notices how f(x) is slowly getting the recognition and attention of the public, a feeling of dread slowly starts sinking in.
And at first, he doesn’t know why. He just feels like a horrible friend because, wow, Jinri has only just debuted but he’s already acting like a prick- what with the feeling of dread and everything.
But regardless of all of that, he knows what he feels- it is the digging sensation of being abandoned.
He feels left behind.
-
He is proud of her, so unbelievably proud, but he can’t help the stupid overwhelming feeling that creeps up on him when he least wants it to.
It has been several months since he has last really seen her, and it is only during a brief break in between one of the Chu~ practices that he gets to have a private moment with her. He finally gets to voice all the worries that have been secretly building up since the moment she told him that she would be able to debut.
“Don’t leave me behind, okay?” He sounds more timid than usual, but to be fair, he is showing more vulnerable feelings than usual. Which, he supposes, isn’t really a problem, considering that he is only doing so in front of Jinri.
The actual problem lies in the fact that he is showing vulnerable feelings in the first place because Jinri is in no way obligated to actually do something about those said feelings.
And now he kind of wishes that he could take back the last twenty (no, make that thirty, so he has time to turn back and run the fuck away) seconds of his life.
Jinri only looks at him with soft eyes and a tired smile on her face. “Shut up, Jongin.”
-
“I’m tired.” Tired of all the verbal abuse, tired of the lack of sleep, and tired of living constantly on the edge. It has only been four months since f(x) has formally debuted, but Jinri is tired.
All Jongin can do is pat her head softly and murmur, “But you’re living the dream.”
Jinri stops, effectively pulling him to a stop when she latches onto his arm. She stares at him straight in the eyes and is so sincere that it almost hurts. “You will be too.”
It’s a little more believable when Jinri says it.
-
It is about a year into f(x)’s career, and Jinri asks a question before her mind really processes it. “Jongin, what do you think of the word talentless?” She supposes that the question had been on her mind for so long that it finally just escaped on its own accord. Jinri looks at him expectantly, staring at him openly.
He looks back at her blankly, like he didn’t quite understand the question. “What are you asking?”
“Just,” she thinks for a moment, wondering if the question wasn’t as clear as she thought, before saying, “I’m just asking if you have an opinion on it.” As an afterthought, Jinri adds, “Or the people that are considered it.”
It is when Jongin hears her afterthought that something clicks in his mind and he immediately understands what Jinri is asking (and what she needs to hear).
Jongin looks thoughtful for a moment, but he already knows how he is going to answer. “I don’t know,” he gives a feigned careless shrug. “I don’t have an opinion.”
“How can you not have an opinion?” Jinri’s tone is exasperated as she stares at Jongin. It is a taboo word in the industry that they are in; it is something that no one wants to be.
But it is something that she is called, and she hates it. She hates the stigma, the wholehearted negativity of the word. It makes her feel like she isn’t good enough, and that’s terrible, but of course Jongin wouldn’t have an opinion on it- her thought process takes a cynical turn as she frowns slightly. Of course Jongin wouldn’t have an opinion on it because Jongin is Jongin, and Jongin is amazing and-
Jongin gives Jinri a playful bop on the head when he realizes that she is no longer paying attention to him- and it’s not like he can have that. “Well, the word doesn’t apply to either of us, so I don’t have an opinion on it.” His tone sounds rather teasing, but he means every single word.
A hint of an appreciative smile can be found on Jinri’s lips as she shakes her head and pushes Jongin slightly. “You’re ridiculous, Jongin.”
When he smiles back at her and the small smile on her lips morphs into a bright grin, Jongin feels like he is on top of the world.
(It is in that moment, when Jongin is stuck just stupidly grinning back at the girl he has known since he was thirteen, that something in Jongin’s mind finally clicks and everything slides into place.
It is in that moment that Jongin realizes just how bad he has it for Choi Jinri.)
-
Jinri feels particularly exhausted and one with the practice room floor as she lays there, undisturbed. Practice has just finished for the day, and the routine that they had to learn only resulted in Jinri being in copious amounts of pain. (But in her defense, NU ABO has particularly annoying choreography.)
The other four members of f(x) had left to do their own thing after the instructor signaled for the end of practice; Jinri had opted to stay on the floor and breathe life back into her abused lungs. She lied in the center of the room peacefully, just focusing on calming her breathing and thinking mundane things like “I wonder if practice is going to suck tomorrow,” and “If I’m good, maybe Vic umma will buy me ice cream”.
But of course, something has to disturb her peace. And unsurprisingly, it is her cell phone that does the trick.
She inches and squirms and rolls over to the device that was left haphazardly on the floor. “Hello?” she picks up the call right before it goes into voicemail. In the back of her mind, Jinri thinks that her timing is flawless.
“What are you doing right now?” The voice that she hears is a familiar one. It is a voice that unmistakenly belongs to Kim Jongin.
Jinri contemplates making up an elaborate lie that Jongin is undoubtedly not going to believe, but realizes that she doesn’t have the energy to do even that. “Nothing.”
“Okay, cool, where are you right now?” He sounds a little impatient, and more than a little rushed. That sends off a little warning sign in Jinri’s mind. While she would normally tease him about wanting to see her, she figures that now is not the time.
Jinri lazily looks up to see the room number pinned to the door. “Practice Room 17.” And then Jinri hears an audible click that sounded very much like someone hanging up. She scoffs lightly and pouts. “Not even a bye?”
It takes about a minute for Jinri to hear footsteps pounding their way towards and across all the practice rooms. Before she even has time to be afraid of the noise, the door to the room she is in slams open.
“Hi.” she greets an excited looking Kim Jongin with a smile. She sits up slightly and says, “Fancy seeing you here.”
He stomps over to her so quickly that Jinri doesn’t even have time to try and escape. He squats down so that he is near eye-level and has the biggest shit-faced grin that he has ever grinned (which is saying something) and breathes out one word. “EXO.”
Jinri’s reaction is to stare blankly in response; she’s hoping that he doesn’t actually expect her to know what that is. “What is that?”
“Our group name.” He says this proudly, and the implication is so heavy that Jinri nearly sits back down.
It takes five long seconds before the words fully sink in and then Jinri is standing up- but only for a moment, because in the next, she is tackling him to the ground and hugging him and laughing in pure happiness for her friend.
(She later tries to pick him up and twirl him like how he did to her when she announced that she would be debuting, which leads to her failing almost pitifully and falling to the ground.
Jongin takes it upon himself to have this scene not classify as a total fail; he helps Jinri up to her feet gingerly, grins at her, and then scoops her up in his arms. He twirls her around until they both fall back onto the ground pathetically, laughing and sharing grins that couldn’t be seen anywhere else.)
-
A group of twelve is formed, and practice gets increasingly hardcore each and every single day. (He takes a little bit of solace in knowing that Joonmyun and Luhan have to suffer and soldier through with him.)
It takes several months, and the group of twelve is divided into two subgroups, but it is decided that Jongin (no, Kai) will be the face of EXO-K (alongside Luhan for EXO-M).
He feels fucking fantastic once that is announced (because, hey, Jinri’s the visual too).
-
The general plan for EXO at the moment is to have a shitload of teasers that will essentially tease the people that will become their fans throughout the course of a one hundred day period (to which they will then formally make a debut afterwards).
It sounds like an easy market scheme- raise awareness, get people interested, and keep the hype up.
And fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on preference) for Jongin, the majority of the video teasers go to him.
The teasers are long and end up taking a major toll on Jongin.
He’s glad that he is working towards his goal, that he will soon be able to stand on that stage and do what he is meant to do, but goddamn, it gets tiring.
Choreography after choreography is being piled upon him and he is expected to memorize all of them. And then after he memorizes all of them, he is expected to execute them flawlessly and in a way that will make everyone worship the ground he dances on.
The expectations and pressure to excel and succeed are enough to crush someone’s soul and dig it into the unforgiving ground (that is most likely called hell).
He knows he should feel thankful, is thankful, of all the exposure that he is going to get from the teasers; Jongin feels guilty in knowing that not everyone is going to be featured in the same amount that he is, but it’s not like he chose to be the poster boy of EXO. He is just given orders and is expected to follow through with them.
And even though he knows all of that, knows that if he doesn’t do everything the way they want him to, then his career is on the line- it’s still tiring.
It is during one of Jongin’s lunch breaks that he gets some well-deserved alone time. Usually, he has at least one other member with him at all times; today, however, only Jongin is filming, which means that he gets to wallow by himself all in his lonely lonesome.
He’s about ready to place his head on the cafeteria table and just sleep until his break is over, but his phone vibrates slightly in his pocket. He takes out the offending device with a little sigh and stares at the notification blankly.
What stares at him in return eventually makes Jongin break out in a grin.
One New Text Message
From: Jinri
You’re amazing. Hwaiting!!
Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so tired anymore.
-
Jongin is amazing.
That is what Jinri thinks when she sees Jongin learning choreography after choreography for what seems like endless teasers. (Because yes, she had gotten a sneak preview; Jongin had handed her one of the recordings that consisted of about three to four teasers.)
She tries not to think too bitterly when she recalls that he has never considered dancing something he had to work at- it is just something that he enjoys.
To Jinri, dancing is something that is painful and hard and unforgiving. She hadn’t always thought so, and rather enjoyed dancing up until debut- but hurtful words and blind criticism had long taken out any enjoyment Jinri held for dancing.
But to Jongin- he enjoys it, lives for it.
And simply put, Jongin looks amazing when he is doing something that he enjoys (but the same thing causes Jinri so much pain that she wants to just lay there and cry sometimes).
So amazing, that he makes Jinri feel like a particularly insignificant gnat when next to him.
And while he can smile at her, make her laugh, and be a friend, the feeling never really dissipates.
When she sees what he brings to his group, and what he can do, she can’t help but sigh and feel like she’s just not good enough.
It’s not even enough that she constantly feels the need to live up to her own group mates, to not fall behind and drag them down- nope. It’s just not enough, because even Jongin makes her feel useless.
-
Jinri doesn’t consider herself a jealous person. Not really. But sometimes, she is so jealous of Jongin that it almost physically hurts.
She really wishes that she could dance like him. He has a natural talent for it, a finesse that is hard to find even in their over populated and over talented industry.
Maybe if she could dance like that, people wouldn’t say that she isn’t good enough for her own group. Maybe then, she would be recognized for who she is. And maybe then, she would finally feel like she is actually good enough for f(x).
-
It is rehearsal time for the concert that is going to happen in several hours.
She fans herself lightly; f(x) has just finished their own rehearsal, and now all five of the girls are milling around, conversing or resting.
Except for Jinri.
Jinri is watching EXO on stage, dancing to a rough version of what Jinri assumes is “History,”- she assumes, of course, because she doesn’t actually know. But it’s the word that stands out the most to her when they sing, so that is her guess. (She knows that it is going to be a single later on, but Jinri also knows that they are still working on it- because hey, Choi Jinri knows an unfinished song when she hears one.)
I need you and you want me, in this planet called Earth
Every every every day, in the history that I make
EXO making history? Jinri doesn’t doubt it; she knows all twelve of them, has grown up with most of them. And she knows that they will make a wave in the industry- maybe not right away, but eventually. They will make their own history. Jinri is sure of it because of the people in the band; everyone is going to fall in love with them. She knows it, because how can people not? (Especially, her biased mind adds, when Kim Jongin is their frontman.)
The group of twelve isn’t even performing today; it is just practice for when they actually do get to perform live (in about a year).
“What are you doing, Ssul?” she hears someone poke her shoulder innocently and is greeted with the cheerful face of Amber Liu.
“Just watching, hyung,” she murmurs, turning her head back to focus on EXO.
Amber makes a noise of understanding before asking, “Well, do you want to go out and buy some drinks? The princess is demanding for some mango milk tea.” Amber laughs good-naturedly as she talks about ‘the princess’- Soojung always liked mango flavors too much.
“No, I’ll just stay here.” Jinri smiles and turns back to look at Amber, shaking her head in confirmation of her answer.
Amber laughs good-naturedly again and looks at the stage. “Aw, why? Too busy watching the boyfriend to go buy drinks with me?”
An instant blush decorates Jinri’s cheeks as she pushes her unnie (that she loves to call hyung) slightly. “What are you talking about, hyung?” She huffs and pouts, which just makes Amber laugh harder.
“Nothing, never mind~” It is the last thing Amber says before she walks. Amber thought it was rather cute that Jinri would never talk about the clearly there feelings she had for Jongin (because all of f(x) knew, and had known, for a long while that Jinri felt something more) but didn’t want to push the subject. A little bit of teasing was okay, but she didn’t want to cause Jinri to be awkward or anything with Jongin by pushing it.
Jinri continued to pout, but went back to looking at the stage. “What boyfriend?” she muttered, eyesight naturally zeroing in on Jongin’s figure.
(But, okay, maybe she had a teeny tiny little crush on him.)
(Because unlike Jongin, Jinri had always been aware of her feelings. She had known that she liked him the moment he picked her up and spun her around when she had announced her upcoming debut.)
Jinri can hear in the background someone saying, “Kai, one more time! You’re leading, so don’t slack off!” and she automatically frowns. One of their personal dance instructors had come along to see the show, and was already supplying helpful criticism.
But however helpful, it still makes Jinri frown. Not because of the speaker, of course. She adores that man.
It’s more about what he’s saying- or rather, whose name he is calling.
Kai- it’s a name that she has never gotten used to, never wants to get used to (because Jongin is Jongin and that should be the end of that).
-
In the blink of an eye, it is suddenly the summer of 2011.
f(x) is currently sitting in a comfortable room and being interviewed; they have just returned with Pinocchio, and so far, it has been doing well on the charts. Jinri isn’t asked a lot of questions; Sunyoung and Victoria take to answering most of them anyway.
The interviewer does ask Jinri one question in particular though- “Are you happy?” Jinri knows that the interviewer is asking about the success about the album, but the question makes her think of different things.
But because she is in front of a camera and they are filming her every single move, her mouth curves into a happy smile and she answers simply. “Yeah, I am.”
That is what she says, but it is not what she thinks. And it is not what she thinks because it is hard being truly happy when it feels like the rest of the world is hating on you for no apparent reason. (Because, yes, she does search for herself on the internet.)
But at the moment, she figures that she is happy enough. It’s hard not to be, with how well they’ve been doing, with how much people support her, with how much she loves f(x).
She just hopes this happiness will stay with her.
-
f(x) has their first win with Pinocchio; the first time that confetti rains down on them and they are given a trophy and bouquet, Jinri just stands there in shock. She feels so much in that moment that she just doesn’t know what to do with herself.
The next several moments all happen in a fast, happy blur. A winning speech is given, a tight group hug commences, and tears fall.
It is the happiest moment since debut.
And what it means is that f(x) has finally been recognized, is finally being awarded for their hard work.
So just for a moment, Jinri thinks that maybe, just maybe, they’re all good enough to stay in the industry. That they have made their mark, that they won’t be easily forgotten, and that they mean something to people.
And maybe, just maybe, she’s good enough too.
end.
part three.
Not for Jongin, not for f(x), and not even for herself.
-
Jinri gets her big break in 2009- she is in the final line up for the newest girl group.
That means that she gets to debut in f(x) after four years of long, hard work. That means her dreams feel a little less far away, and that she has something to look forward to and work towards- now, more than ever.
By that time, Jongin has just hit his two-year mark in the company, and he is desperate to catch up (to her, to the other trainees, to everyone).
The moment Jinri finds out and is promptly excused by one of the board directors, she squeals in excitement alongside the four other girls that will soon become her sisters. Then, after that, she immediately runs to the first person she thinks of.
She tears down the halls and rushes as fast as she can to the boy’s dormitories. “Jongin, Kim Jongin!” Jinri chants his name quietly his name as she runs. She bows quickly to the attendants on the first floor but doesn’t stop, way too excited to exchange pleasantries. Jinri runs with a destination in mind; she turns the usual five-minute walk into a two-minute run.
By the time Jinri is winded, but still completely running on adrenaline, she stops short of a familiar looking door with the numbers 114 glued on the front. “Kim Jongin!” she pounds on the door, excited. “Kim Jongin, open up!”
It only feels right to share the news with Jongin first.
The door opens slowly and Jinri is met with a disheveled and sleepy Kim Jongin. “What?” he demands, irritable at being woken up at an ungodly hour of nine a.m. (Because, yes, anything earlier than eleven was simply blasphemous.)
(And then he sees that it’s Jinri and he feels a tad less irritable.)
“I get to debut Jongin, I get to debut.” Jinri is smiling so widely that her mouth and cheeks hurt, but she can’t stop. She has been waiting so long for something to come out of her hard work, and now that it finally has, she just can’t stop smiling.
He stares blankly at her for a moment before his mind finally processes her words- and then he feels something very much akin to excitement.
The slow smile he gives her when she excitedly babbles on about the news is completely genuine. It doesn’t seem like she’ll stop anytime soon on her own accord, so Jongin can’t help but cut her spiel off short. He can’t help hugging her, twirling her around in the process, and telling her that she is going to be a big hit.
(Jinri falls for Jongin the moment she feels his arms encircling her waist, the moment he picks her up out of pure happiness for her, the moment he breaks out into the most beautiful smile she has ever seen- the moment is all hers, and it makes her fall so hard that she almost can't breathe.)
He also can’t help the creeping little sensation that feels strangely like sadness.
Jongin tells her softly after he lets her down not to leave him behind.
“Leave you behind?” Jinri asks. She is still smiling. “Don’t be stupid, Jongin.”
(She ends up telling him the same thing three years down the line.)
-
Practice is even harder now, now that a group has been established; the higher ups are pushing them hard, expecting them to excel and debut. There is always the little threat of being kicked out, of having your chance thrown away- and that’s what makes all of them work that much harder.
And they are all working hard, but somehow, it doesn’t seem like enough.
On one of these certain days, when Jinri’s just not feeling up to par, she can’t help but sigh and ask, ““What if I’m not good enough for the group, Jongin? What if I just slow everyone down?” during one of their regular phone calls.
Jongin gives her the same response every single time. “Shut up, Jinri.”
-
f(x) formally debuts.
-
The night of their formal debut, Jinri cries. She cries the hardest she has cried since she was six and scraped her knee after jumping a fence.
She cries tears of happiness.
She cries tears of success.
She cries tears of hope.
-
It is a strange feeling, Jongin thinks, to see Jinri more through a screen than in person.
f(x) is going through their first round of promotions with La Cha Ta and they’re so busy that Jongin hasn’t seen Jinri face-to-face in a whole month.
It is a weird feeling- it feels like something very much like loneliness, and that makes Jongin feel kind of sick. He supposes it’s because he has gotten used to seeing Jinri on a weekly basis, and has gotten even more used to being able to talk to her (on the phone, by email, or exchanging texts), on an almost daily basis.
When he suddenly can’t do any of those things like he is used to, Jongin almost doesn’t know how to react. She is too busy to pick up his calls, doesn’t have time to reply to emails, and has practically abandoned texting in the past month.
He knows it’s not her fault- she’s out there, living her dreams and working hard. He knows that he is proud of her, knows that he shouldn’t be selfish and expect that everything would be the same, but-
Jongin vaguely figures that he has Jinri withdrawals.
And that kind of scares him.
-
Jongin has no idea how many times he has watched that damn La Cha Ta music video. (Although he finds it rather telling that he knows both the lyrics and choreography by heart.)
(He consoles himself by figuring out that he’s not the only one that can’t stop watching the blasted video- Jongin thinks that both he and Taemin can dance to La Cha Ta rather well.)
He thinks that the song is catchy, that the dance is fun, and that they all look quite pretty (although they’ve all always been pretty)- but he doesn’t quite like how Jinri is wearing those tight pants, because Jinri in those pants is just not fair.
But he supposes that it’s okay (and that he is kind of a creep, because now he is even monitoring her clothing), because it looks like she’s happy.
Or at least, she looks happy (and rather fucking adorable), when she is waving up at Sunyoung. So he supposes that it’s alright.
Anything’s alright, as long as she can smile like that (because he loves seeing that smile).
Jongin, in his completely biased opinion, finds that Jinri is the cutest of them all- and he is proud of that too. (Although Taemin would beg to differ- when the older boy tells him that it’s all about the maknaes, Jongin tells Taemin that he can shove it.)
But as he watches on, sees some of their live performances, notices how f(x) is slowly getting the recognition and attention of the public, a feeling of dread slowly starts sinking in.
And at first, he doesn’t know why. He just feels like a horrible friend because, wow, Jinri has only just debuted but he’s already acting like a prick- what with the feeling of dread and everything.
But regardless of all of that, he knows what he feels- it is the digging sensation of being abandoned.
He feels left behind.
-
He is proud of her, so unbelievably proud, but he can’t help the stupid overwhelming feeling that creeps up on him when he least wants it to.
It has been several months since he has last really seen her, and it is only during a brief break in between one of the Chu~ practices that he gets to have a private moment with her. He finally gets to voice all the worries that have been secretly building up since the moment she told him that she would be able to debut.
“Don’t leave me behind, okay?” He sounds more timid than usual, but to be fair, he is showing more vulnerable feelings than usual. Which, he supposes, isn’t really a problem, considering that he is only doing so in front of Jinri.
The actual problem lies in the fact that he is showing vulnerable feelings in the first place because Jinri is in no way obligated to actually do something about those said feelings.
And now he kind of wishes that he could take back the last twenty (no, make that thirty, so he has time to turn back and run the fuck away) seconds of his life.
Jinri only looks at him with soft eyes and a tired smile on her face. “Shut up, Jongin.”
-
“I’m tired.” Tired of all the verbal abuse, tired of the lack of sleep, and tired of living constantly on the edge. It has only been four months since f(x) has formally debuted, but Jinri is tired.
All Jongin can do is pat her head softly and murmur, “But you’re living the dream.”
Jinri stops, effectively pulling him to a stop when she latches onto his arm. She stares at him straight in the eyes and is so sincere that it almost hurts. “You will be too.”
It’s a little more believable when Jinri says it.
-
It is about a year into f(x)’s career, and Jinri asks a question before her mind really processes it. “Jongin, what do you think of the word talentless?” She supposes that the question had been on her mind for so long that it finally just escaped on its own accord. Jinri looks at him expectantly, staring at him openly.
He looks back at her blankly, like he didn’t quite understand the question. “What are you asking?”
“Just,” she thinks for a moment, wondering if the question wasn’t as clear as she thought, before saying, “I’m just asking if you have an opinion on it.” As an afterthought, Jinri adds, “Or the people that are considered it.”
It is when Jongin hears her afterthought that something clicks in his mind and he immediately understands what Jinri is asking (and what she needs to hear).
Jongin looks thoughtful for a moment, but he already knows how he is going to answer. “I don’t know,” he gives a feigned careless shrug. “I don’t have an opinion.”
“How can you not have an opinion?” Jinri’s tone is exasperated as she stares at Jongin. It is a taboo word in the industry that they are in; it is something that no one wants to be.
But it is something that she is called, and she hates it. She hates the stigma, the wholehearted negativity of the word. It makes her feel like she isn’t good enough, and that’s terrible, but of course Jongin wouldn’t have an opinion on it- her thought process takes a cynical turn as she frowns slightly. Of course Jongin wouldn’t have an opinion on it because Jongin is Jongin, and Jongin is amazing and-
Jongin gives Jinri a playful bop on the head when he realizes that she is no longer paying attention to him- and it’s not like he can have that. “Well, the word doesn’t apply to either of us, so I don’t have an opinion on it.” His tone sounds rather teasing, but he means every single word.
A hint of an appreciative smile can be found on Jinri’s lips as she shakes her head and pushes Jongin slightly. “You’re ridiculous, Jongin.”
When he smiles back at her and the small smile on her lips morphs into a bright grin, Jongin feels like he is on top of the world.
(It is in that moment, when Jongin is stuck just stupidly grinning back at the girl he has known since he was thirteen, that something in Jongin’s mind finally clicks and everything slides into place.
It is in that moment that Jongin realizes just how bad he has it for Choi Jinri.)
-
Jinri feels particularly exhausted and one with the practice room floor as she lays there, undisturbed. Practice has just finished for the day, and the routine that they had to learn only resulted in Jinri being in copious amounts of pain. (But in her defense, NU ABO has particularly annoying choreography.)
The other four members of f(x) had left to do their own thing after the instructor signaled for the end of practice; Jinri had opted to stay on the floor and breathe life back into her abused lungs. She lied in the center of the room peacefully, just focusing on calming her breathing and thinking mundane things like “I wonder if practice is going to suck tomorrow,” and “If I’m good, maybe Vic umma will buy me ice cream”.
But of course, something has to disturb her peace. And unsurprisingly, it is her cell phone that does the trick.
She inches and squirms and rolls over to the device that was left haphazardly on the floor. “Hello?” she picks up the call right before it goes into voicemail. In the back of her mind, Jinri thinks that her timing is flawless.
“What are you doing right now?” The voice that she hears is a familiar one. It is a voice that unmistakenly belongs to Kim Jongin.
Jinri contemplates making up an elaborate lie that Jongin is undoubtedly not going to believe, but realizes that she doesn’t have the energy to do even that. “Nothing.”
“Okay, cool, where are you right now?” He sounds a little impatient, and more than a little rushed. That sends off a little warning sign in Jinri’s mind. While she would normally tease him about wanting to see her, she figures that now is not the time.
Jinri lazily looks up to see the room number pinned to the door. “Practice Room 17.” And then Jinri hears an audible click that sounded very much like someone hanging up. She scoffs lightly and pouts. “Not even a bye?”
It takes about a minute for Jinri to hear footsteps pounding their way towards and across all the practice rooms. Before she even has time to be afraid of the noise, the door to the room she is in slams open.
“Hi.” she greets an excited looking Kim Jongin with a smile. She sits up slightly and says, “Fancy seeing you here.”
He stomps over to her so quickly that Jinri doesn’t even have time to try and escape. He squats down so that he is near eye-level and has the biggest shit-faced grin that he has ever grinned (which is saying something) and breathes out one word. “EXO.”
Jinri’s reaction is to stare blankly in response; she’s hoping that he doesn’t actually expect her to know what that is. “What is that?”
“Our group name.” He says this proudly, and the implication is so heavy that Jinri nearly sits back down.
It takes five long seconds before the words fully sink in and then Jinri is standing up- but only for a moment, because in the next, she is tackling him to the ground and hugging him and laughing in pure happiness for her friend.
(She later tries to pick him up and twirl him like how he did to her when she announced that she would be debuting, which leads to her failing almost pitifully and falling to the ground.
Jongin takes it upon himself to have this scene not classify as a total fail; he helps Jinri up to her feet gingerly, grins at her, and then scoops her up in his arms. He twirls her around until they both fall back onto the ground pathetically, laughing and sharing grins that couldn’t be seen anywhere else.)
-
A group of twelve is formed, and practice gets increasingly hardcore each and every single day. (He takes a little bit of solace in knowing that Joonmyun and Luhan have to suffer and soldier through with him.)
It takes several months, and the group of twelve is divided into two subgroups, but it is decided that Jongin (no, Kai) will be the face of EXO-K (alongside Luhan for EXO-M).
He feels fucking fantastic once that is announced (because, hey, Jinri’s the visual too).
-
The general plan for EXO at the moment is to have a shitload of teasers that will essentially tease the people that will become their fans throughout the course of a one hundred day period (to which they will then formally make a debut afterwards).
It sounds like an easy market scheme- raise awareness, get people interested, and keep the hype up.
And fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on preference) for Jongin, the majority of the video teasers go to him.
The teasers are long and end up taking a major toll on Jongin.
He’s glad that he is working towards his goal, that he will soon be able to stand on that stage and do what he is meant to do, but goddamn, it gets tiring.
Choreography after choreography is being piled upon him and he is expected to memorize all of them. And then after he memorizes all of them, he is expected to execute them flawlessly and in a way that will make everyone worship the ground he dances on.
The expectations and pressure to excel and succeed are enough to crush someone’s soul and dig it into the unforgiving ground (that is most likely called hell).
He knows he should feel thankful, is thankful, of all the exposure that he is going to get from the teasers; Jongin feels guilty in knowing that not everyone is going to be featured in the same amount that he is, but it’s not like he chose to be the poster boy of EXO. He is just given orders and is expected to follow through with them.
And even though he knows all of that, knows that if he doesn’t do everything the way they want him to, then his career is on the line- it’s still tiring.
It is during one of Jongin’s lunch breaks that he gets some well-deserved alone time. Usually, he has at least one other member with him at all times; today, however, only Jongin is filming, which means that he gets to wallow by himself all in his lonely lonesome.
He’s about ready to place his head on the cafeteria table and just sleep until his break is over, but his phone vibrates slightly in his pocket. He takes out the offending device with a little sigh and stares at the notification blankly.
What stares at him in return eventually makes Jongin break out in a grin.
One New Text Message
From: Jinri
You’re amazing. Hwaiting!!
Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so tired anymore.
-
Jongin is amazing.
That is what Jinri thinks when she sees Jongin learning choreography after choreography for what seems like endless teasers. (Because yes, she had gotten a sneak preview; Jongin had handed her one of the recordings that consisted of about three to four teasers.)
She tries not to think too bitterly when she recalls that he has never considered dancing something he had to work at- it is just something that he enjoys.
To Jinri, dancing is something that is painful and hard and unforgiving. She hadn’t always thought so, and rather enjoyed dancing up until debut- but hurtful words and blind criticism had long taken out any enjoyment Jinri held for dancing.
But to Jongin- he enjoys it, lives for it.
And simply put, Jongin looks amazing when he is doing something that he enjoys (but the same thing causes Jinri so much pain that she wants to just lay there and cry sometimes).
So amazing, that he makes Jinri feel like a particularly insignificant gnat when next to him.
And while he can smile at her, make her laugh, and be a friend, the feeling never really dissipates.
When she sees what he brings to his group, and what he can do, she can’t help but sigh and feel like she’s just not good enough.
It’s not even enough that she constantly feels the need to live up to her own group mates, to not fall behind and drag them down- nope. It’s just not enough, because even Jongin makes her feel useless.
-
Jinri doesn’t consider herself a jealous person. Not really. But sometimes, she is so jealous of Jongin that it almost physically hurts.
She really wishes that she could dance like him. He has a natural talent for it, a finesse that is hard to find even in their over populated and over talented industry.
Maybe if she could dance like that, people wouldn’t say that she isn’t good enough for her own group. Maybe then, she would be recognized for who she is. And maybe then, she would finally feel like she is actually good enough for f(x).
-
It is rehearsal time for the concert that is going to happen in several hours.
She fans herself lightly; f(x) has just finished their own rehearsal, and now all five of the girls are milling around, conversing or resting.
Except for Jinri.
Jinri is watching EXO on stage, dancing to a rough version of what Jinri assumes is “History,”- she assumes, of course, because she doesn’t actually know. But it’s the word that stands out the most to her when they sing, so that is her guess. (She knows that it is going to be a single later on, but Jinri also knows that they are still working on it- because hey, Choi Jinri knows an unfinished song when she hears one.)
I need you and you want me, in this planet called Earth
Every every every day, in the history that I make
EXO making history? Jinri doesn’t doubt it; she knows all twelve of them, has grown up with most of them. And she knows that they will make a wave in the industry- maybe not right away, but eventually. They will make their own history. Jinri is sure of it because of the people in the band; everyone is going to fall in love with them. She knows it, because how can people not? (Especially, her biased mind adds, when Kim Jongin is their frontman.)
The group of twelve isn’t even performing today; it is just practice for when they actually do get to perform live (in about a year).
“What are you doing, Ssul?” she hears someone poke her shoulder innocently and is greeted with the cheerful face of Amber Liu.
“Just watching, hyung,” she murmurs, turning her head back to focus on EXO.
Amber makes a noise of understanding before asking, “Well, do you want to go out and buy some drinks? The princess is demanding for some mango milk tea.” Amber laughs good-naturedly as she talks about ‘the princess’- Soojung always liked mango flavors too much.
“No, I’ll just stay here.” Jinri smiles and turns back to look at Amber, shaking her head in confirmation of her answer.
Amber laughs good-naturedly again and looks at the stage. “Aw, why? Too busy watching the boyfriend to go buy drinks with me?”
An instant blush decorates Jinri’s cheeks as she pushes her unnie (that she loves to call hyung) slightly. “What are you talking about, hyung?” She huffs and pouts, which just makes Amber laugh harder.
“Nothing, never mind~” It is the last thing Amber says before she walks. Amber thought it was rather cute that Jinri would never talk about the clearly there feelings she had for Jongin (because all of f(x) knew, and had known, for a long while that Jinri felt something more) but didn’t want to push the subject. A little bit of teasing was okay, but she didn’t want to cause Jinri to be awkward or anything with Jongin by pushing it.
Jinri continued to pout, but went back to looking at the stage. “What boyfriend?” she muttered, eyesight naturally zeroing in on Jongin’s figure.
(But, okay, maybe she had a teeny tiny little crush on him.)
(Because unlike Jongin, Jinri had always been aware of her feelings. She had known that she liked him the moment he picked her up and spun her around when she had announced her upcoming debut.)
Jinri can hear in the background someone saying, “Kai, one more time! You’re leading, so don’t slack off!” and she automatically frowns. One of their personal dance instructors had come along to see the show, and was already supplying helpful criticism.
But however helpful, it still makes Jinri frown. Not because of the speaker, of course. She adores that man.
It’s more about what he’s saying- or rather, whose name he is calling.
Kai- it’s a name that she has never gotten used to, never wants to get used to (because Jongin is Jongin and that should be the end of that).
-
In the blink of an eye, it is suddenly the summer of 2011.
f(x) is currently sitting in a comfortable room and being interviewed; they have just returned with Pinocchio, and so far, it has been doing well on the charts. Jinri isn’t asked a lot of questions; Sunyoung and Victoria take to answering most of them anyway.
The interviewer does ask Jinri one question in particular though- “Are you happy?” Jinri knows that the interviewer is asking about the success about the album, but the question makes her think of different things.
But because she is in front of a camera and they are filming her every single move, her mouth curves into a happy smile and she answers simply. “Yeah, I am.”
That is what she says, but it is not what she thinks. And it is not what she thinks because it is hard being truly happy when it feels like the rest of the world is hating on you for no apparent reason. (Because, yes, she does search for herself on the internet.)
But at the moment, she figures that she is happy enough. It’s hard not to be, with how well they’ve been doing, with how much people support her, with how much she loves f(x).
She just hopes this happiness will stay with her.
-
f(x) has their first win with Pinocchio; the first time that confetti rains down on them and they are given a trophy and bouquet, Jinri just stands there in shock. She feels so much in that moment that she just doesn’t know what to do with herself.
The next several moments all happen in a fast, happy blur. A winning speech is given, a tight group hug commences, and tears fall.
It is the happiest moment since debut.
And what it means is that f(x) has finally been recognized, is finally being awarded for their hard work.
So just for a moment, Jinri thinks that maybe, just maybe, they’re all good enough to stay in the industry. That they have made their mark, that they won’t be easily forgotten, and that they mean something to people.
And maybe, just maybe, she’s good enough too.
end.
part three.