Fic: Witness Protection 24b/25
Go back to 12a right here.
Between getting back on the meds and finally opening up about his problems first to Chris and then to the therapist, Ben felt almost like himself when Don and Lisa came over for Friday night dinner and games. They'd just finished their second game of Settlers of Catan (his mom won the first game, but Ben managed to pull out a narrow win in the second) when the doorbell rang.
Everyone blinked in surprise.
"It's past ten," said Lisa. "Who in the world would be stopping by so late?"
"I'll go see," said Don, getting up and heading for the door.
Ben's hand felt twitchy and his heart started pounding. He'd feel a lot safer if he had a gun to pick up.
Then he heard a soft feminine voice talking to Don, and his heart froze.
He moved as if in a dream as he rose from his chair and drifted toward the front room, barely noticing the concerned questions from his mom and Lisa.
He stepped out of the hall into the front room, and stopped. His feet wouldn't move another step.
Don turned and stepped aside to reveal the woman standing on the front porch, but Ben already knew who it was.
Leslie's hair was a little longer, and in spite of the large sweater she wore over her jeans, he could tell that she'd lost weight. Her smile was tired and nervous.
But she was still Leslie. Her eyes shone just as bright as ever. And she was standing right in front of him-alive and well.
"I'm sorry, I should have called," she said, shaking her head. "I just . . . a mutual friend showed up in Pawnee and told me I should come. So I came."
Ben tried to take a step forward, but his feet still wouldn't move. He swallowed. "Chris?" he managed to croak.
She nodded, her smile softening. "Chris."
Their eyes locked, and silence fell. Ben felt like he might pass out, and realized it was because he'd stopped breathing.
"Um . . ." Don's voice broke the tension of the moment. "Do you, uh, want to come in?"
Leslie's smile vanished. "It's late. I don't know what I was thinking. I got a hotel room already-I should have stayed there instead of coming over so late. I should just go and come back tomorrow. I should go-"
"Don't leave." Ben's voice came out as barely more than a rough whisper.
He swallowed and forced his legs to move, stepping a few paces closer to where she stood shivering in the night air. "Don't leave," he repeated, feeling like his heart really would stop beating if she turned her back on him now. "Please."
"I'll stay," she said, stepping across the threshold. Her eyes looked over his shoulder. "If it's okay . . . ?"
"Please, Leslie. Come in. You're always welcome," his mother said from behind him. He turned his head to see her and Lisa staring between him and Leslie.
Don looked more than a little bemused, too. He cleared his throat. "Leslie, let me introduce you to my wife, Lisa." He gestured.
Lisa smiled and waved. "Hi. Good to meet you. Doreen's told me so much about you."
"I wish we could stay to chat," said Don, "but we were just getting ready to leave. Maybe we can see you again tomorrow?"
Leslie's eyes darted back to Ben for a moment before returning to Don. "I hope so."
Don and Lisa scrambled for their coats and made some hasty goodbyes before stepping out the front door and closing it behind them. Ben still hadn't managed to move from the place where his feet had taken root, but Leslie came a little further into the room. She kept sending nervous glances in his direction while shaking hands with Don and Lisa as they said goodnight.
Once the door was closed, his mom turned to them. "I'm going to put on a pot of coffee for you, and then I'm going to bed. Feel free to stay as long as you like."
Ben managed a smile as she moved as fast on her crutches as most people moved on their feet, leaving him alone in the front room with Leslie.
She held his gaze and took a deep breath. "So . . ."
It was the first time she spoke directly to him since agreeing to stay, and it was enough to break that spell that had been holding him frozen. "Sit. We should-we should sit. Right?" He gestured at the armchairs positioned in the cradle of the front bay window.
Leslie nodded. "Yes. Sitting sounds good. That's what people usually do in these situations, I think."
"Okay. We'll sit."
Ben perched on the edge of his armchair, torn between keeping a respectful distance (given how poorly their last interaction ended) and reaching out to touch her. God, he wanted to touch her-to feel, once and for all, that she was real and whole and sitting right next to him.
He noticed that Leslie did the same, balancing right on the edge of her chair as if those few extra inches closer to him meant something.
Maybe they did. Maybe they meant everything.
She came as soon as Chris told her to come. I fucked things up, but she still came.
They sat in silence for a moment before Leslie took a deep breath and spoke. "I should have come sooner. I wanted to, but I was worried that you didn't want to see me. But Chris said . . .he said that you probably did. So I decided to take a chance." She looked down at her hands until the very end. On the word "chance" her eyes darted up to meet his, a look of anxious hope suffusing her face.
Dozens of possible responses clouded Ben's mind, and he sat for a moment pondering which one to use before finally settling on the truth-or as close to the truth as he could come. "I've wanted to see you every minute of every hour of every day since I left Pawnee. But I don't deserve a second chance at that kind of happiness."
~ ~ ~
Leslie's heart ached all the more over the matter-of-fact tone in which Ben confessed his reason for avoiding her. It was as if he really believed it-and thought that everyone else would believe it, too. Including her.
He was thin and haggard, the lines around his eyes more pronounced than they'd been before their time apart. Somewhere along the way he'd given up on personal grooming, and his shaggy hair drooped low over his forehead while a short, scruffy beard obscured the lower half of his face.
The total impression of his appearance could be summed up in a single word: weary. Ben looked so damn weary.
Time to change that. If he'd let her.
"Lots of people don't deserve what life gives them, the good or the bad. So I don't care what you think you deserve. I'm here. I'm in your life. And I'm determined to stay in your life until you tell me to leave. So-" She paused just for a moment, to gather the courage to say what needed to be said next. "-are you going to tell me to leave?"
"No." His voice was rough and moisture stood glistening in his eyes, stubbornly refusing to turn into tears. "I don't want you to go."
"Good." Baby steps. She had to content herself with baby steps. No gathering him into her arms and smothering him with her kisses. She had to take it slow and easy. She couldn't screw this one up.
He nodded and swallowed, his eyes searching hers.
What next? Where to start?
Ben spoke first. "I saw-I saw you got your park. Lot 48. We weren't supposed to go on the internet, but Chris broke the rules for me. He found the article. A few articles, really, but that was the last one he brought home. You got your park." He let himself smile on the last sentence-a small, wistful smile.
She'd missed that smile so much. "I wish you could've been there for the groundbreaking. As happy as I was-as I am-that this park is finally being built, it felt a little empty. Because it's only happening as a PR stunt for Sweetums. Not because I successfully raised the funds and cut through the red tape and won the battle. It's bittersweet. I haven't been able to tell that to anyone, because they wouldn't understand. But you do, don't you?"
Ben nodded, clasping his hands between his knees and hunching forward. "Some people say that a win is a win, no matter how you get it. But some wins don't feel earned. And others come at too high a price."
A lump rose in her throat. "Yeah. They do."
One of Ben's tears finally pushed past the barrier of his eyelid and rolled down his cheek, only to be trapped like a glimmering dewdrop in his beard. Leslie stared at it as he spoke again.
"I want to apologize a million times over for staying when I should have left-for putting you in harm's way because I listened to my heart instead of my head. I want to-I need to-tell you how sorry I am. But I can't." He blotted the moisture from his cheek and wiped at his eyes. Leslie felt her own tears welling, hot and ready to spill.
Ben shook his head. "I can't because that would mean feeling sorry for what we had. And I can't. I can't feel sorry for that. I've tried to. I've tried so hard to convince myself that both our lives would've been better if we hadn't been together. But it never worked. And I hate myself for that. Because our relationship is what got you hurt. I should regret it, because it brought my problems and my danger down on you. I was selfish and greedy and stupid, and it got you hurt, and I should regret being with you because of that. But I don't. I don't." He wiped his eyes again and hung his head forward, avoiding her gaze. "I feel so fucking guilty for not regretting it. I'm sorry."
Leslie didn't bother wiping the tears away as they coursed down her cheeks. "I guess I finally understand why you've been avoiding me." She'd known this was going to hurt, but she hadn't realized how bad.
Ben sniffed and smiled-an expression of mixed relief and bitterness. "Now that one I can apologize for. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"I'm sorry, too." Her voice shook. "I should've come sooner. I shouldn't have let anything stop me. I'm sorry."
"Thank god for Chris, right?" Ben's expression was finally beginning to soften. He almost looked like himself again.
She nodded. "Thank god for Chris." Her hands twitched forward, reaching out him, but small side table and an unwieldy expanse of floor stood between them.
He must have noticed her movement because he frowned. "Why the hell are we sitting on these chairs?"
Leslie smiled-a smile so warm she could feel it coursing upward from her chest. "I have no idea."
She couldn't say which one of them stood first or if they rose simultaneously, but before she could take another breath they were both on their feet and her arms were wrapped around his lean torso and his arms had enfolded her whole upper body and they were both squeezing so tightly that she could hardly take that breath that she now needed pretty badly but she didn't even care. She laughed and cried, and Ben just cried, but she could handle that. Let him cry all he needed to-as long as it was on her shoulder.
The minutes slipped by. Leslie couldn't have said how long-who kept track of time during moments like this? They stood holding each other, swaying slightly first to the rhythm of their tears, and then to the softer rhythm of their breathing. She sucked in his scent, letting it fill her with memories of all the nights she spent wrapped in his arms. She traced the pattern of his backbones and shoulder blades with her fingers to remind herself that this wasn't all a dream.
Ben was the first to break the spell. "Thank you for coming," he murmured into her hair.
Leslie smiled against his shoulder. "Thank you for asking me to stay." She tilted her head up to meet his eyes-still moist and shining-to see the look of bewildered gratitude that they held. And then his lips met hers and she stopped thinking altogether.
His kiss was tentative and hungry all at once, and she pushed toward him with so much energy that their noses smashed a little, and her lips burned against the friction of his beard, but it was perfect all the same. When it ended she breathed a little faster and laughed with relief, clinging to him to steady herself. "I think I could use that pot of coffee now."
"Me too."
They held hands on their way to the kitchen, and she couldn't stop smiling as they found some mugs and sugar and he dug through the fridge to find the can of whipped cream that Leslie had left there after her visit almost a month ago.
"I can really do without," she said, leaning back against the counter edge, smiling at the site of him bending over, digging through the dimly lit fridge.
"No-I know it's still in here. I saw it a few days ago. Just give me a sec . . ." He shifted a few more items. "Found it!" He rose with a pleased smile that made her heart leap. He waved the can in front of him, showing it off, and then squinted and looked at it a little closer. "And it doesn't expire for two more weeks. We're good to go."
After doctoring their mugs of coffee to their tastes they sank onto Doreen's family room couch, snuggled close. The feeling of Ben's leg pushed up against hers and his arm wrapped around her shoulders was enough to make her forget all the problems that still stood in their way. She could worry about those tomorrow. For today, just sitting beside him was enough.
She took a big sip of her sweet caffeinated goodness and licked her lips. "I feel like there's so much to say-we have so much to catch up on. I don't where to start. Do you want to talk about you, or about me?"
"Not about me," Ben said immediately, his tone sharp.
Leslie held her tongue for a moment. This was one of the problems that could wait until tomorrow.
His voice softer, Ben said, "Catch me up on the people in the parks department. All of them, one at a time."
"Okay." She settled deeper into the crook of his arm. "Let's start with Ron. Believe it or not, he's been dating Tonya."
Ben blinked a few times. "Tonya Burdette? Federal marshal Tonya?"
"Yep. I thought you'd appreciate that." She grinned and settled in for a long night of stories.
~ ~ ~
Ben could listen to stories of Pawnee forever. He leaned into the couch cushions, holding Leslie close, and listened to her tales of Ron's unexpected new relationship, Tom's venture into the world of small-batch liqueur, Paul's return to his post as city manager, and a recent spat with the neighboring town of Eagleton over a shared park.
When she got to April and Andy, she had another bit of unexpected news. "So, their search for a new roommate eventually turned into a search for a cheaper home, and they found a great deal on a fully furnished condo that had been recently and unexpectedly vacated." She raised a teasing eyebrow.
"No," he said. "You mean-?"
"Yep. They took over the lease of your old condo, and April's weirdo friend Orin moved into the extra room. That guy gives me the creeps. But don't worry-we boxed up all of Chris's stuff and your stuff. I brought some to Doreen, but there are still a few boxes in my garage."
"You found room for more boxes in your garage?"
"Hey!" Leslie poked him. "You could show a little gratitude."
Ben smiled at her playful tone. God, he could really get used to this. He leaned his head against hers. "I am grateful. Really. Thank you."
"You're welcome." She nuzzled him back.
Ben let out a contented sigh and rested his head on her shoulder and the cushions, sinking into a position of total comfort. So what if he didn't deserve this.
Really. So what?
She was here. She was smiling and happy and alive. And she wanted to be with him. That was all that really mattered in the end, wasn't it?
Maybe if he told himself that enough times, he'd get over the guilt.
"Can you keep telling me about Pawnee? Tell me about how Mouse Rat is doing, and if Andy is still taking Krav Maga, and how all the businesses we partnered with for the 5k and Harvest Festival are doing. I want to hear everything. Please?" If he was going to let himself live inside this dream tonight, he might as well wade in all the way.
Leslie ran her hand down his arm until she reached his hand; she threaded her fingers through his. "Okay. I'll tell you everything."
Ben closed his eyes and listened.
~ ~ ~
Leslie blinked and gasped, waking with a start. It took her just a moment to remember where she was-Doreen's house, with Ben.
To be more specific, reclining against Ben, who was reclining against the arm of the sofa. Somehow, in the middle of catching him up on three months of Pawnee, they'd both drifted off to sleep.
Leslie smiled at the sight of him looking so peaceful. She reached up to gently push some of the hair off of his forehead and sighed. A quick glance at the wall clock determined that it was four-eighteen in the morning. And though she wanted to stay here like this until the sun came up, she knew she could sit still that long. She'd inevitably wake Ben up, and then they'd have to start dealing with things.
She wasn't ready to deal with things, yet. Neither was Ben. He needed his rest. And she needed a shower.
Carefully and slowly she wiggled out from under his arm. He twitched and shifted, but didn't wake up. She tip-toed out to the front room to get the purse she'd abandoned there. She pulled out a notepad and a pencil. She could probably get to the hotel, shower, change and come back all before Ben woke up, but she'd leave a note just in case.
As she scrawled the words, "I'll be back soon," she heard a cough and some movement from the family room. Maybe she'd woken him up, after all.
She crept back to the family room to find Ben sitting up, his disheveled hair sticking up at strange angles, his eyes blinking rapidly in the dim light. His eyes focused in on her. "You're here."
"I'm here." She stepped a little closer.
He shook his head, looking disoriented. "For a second there I thought it was all a dream." His eyes turned to the purse slung over her shoulder. "Were you leaving?"
The undisguised pain in his question hit her like a slap. She shook her head and quickly sat down beside him. "No. Well, yes, but also no. I was going to slip over to the hotel for a couple of hours to shower and change. I thought I'd be back before you woke up. I'm sorry."
"So you're not leaving?" He clutched at her hand.
She shook her head. "Not leaving. I just wanted you to sleep in peace for a few hours."
Ben nodded, looking more asleep than awake. "Okay."
"Okay." His eyes didn't seem to be focusing on anything anymore. "Time to get you back to bed."
"Okay."
Leslie stood and helped him to his feet. She held his hand as he shambled down the hall to his room. After he lay down on the bed she pulled the shoes off his feet and sat beside him, pushing the hair back from his face one more time. "You get some sleep."
"You can stay." He met her gaze with hopeful eyes.
Tempting-to wrap up in his comforter and snuggle close. She'd missed the snuggling so much. She shook her head. "I'm way too amped up to sleep. I'd just fidget and keep you awake."
"I don't mind," he said, his voice rough.
Leslie smiled. "You might not mind now, but you probably will at two in the afternoon when you're so tired you can hardly stand up. Go back to sleep. I'll go shower and change, and I'll be back by eight. Okay?"
He sighed and nodded. "Okay." He lifted his hand and traced the outline of her face with his fingertips. "Just make sure you come back."
"I will. I promise." She leaned over to place a delicate kiss on his lips. "I'll see you in a few hours."
"See you then."
At the hotel she shucked her traveling clothes and stepped into the hot shower.
This was happening. It was really happening. But she needed to be careful. They'd both been hurt. They both had more healing to do. Especially Ben. He had a whole life to rediscover, and years of built up anxiety and pain to deal with. She could help him, but she couldn't do it for him, and she couldn't push too hard.
She repeated that thought again and again as she tilted her face up to let the hot water stream over her.
Don't push too hard.
~ ~ ~
When Ben woke up alone in his bed it took him several minutes to convince himself that she'd really been there. That she was really coming back.
He emerged from his room at two until eight, and Leslie hadn't arrived yet. He stood at the window by the front door for most of a minute, watching and waiting.
No.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This wasn't healthy. He needed to get better-not just stay messed up in a whole new way.
I'll take a shower, and she'll be here when I get out.
He pulled himself away from the window and made his way to the bathroom, repeat the thought as he stripped and turned on the water. She'll be here when I get out.
He left the water lukewarm to shock him into greater wakefulness, and scrubbed his body fiercely. He needed to feel clean and fresh. He needed to feel like today was the start of something new.
Just as he was about to turn off the water there was a sharp rap on the bathroom door, and he heard his mother's voice. "Leslie just got here. I'm making breakfast."
"I'll be right out." His heart pounded and he let himself smile.
She came. She'd said she would, and she did. He shouldn't have worried. This was Leslie-she'd never let him down.
If only she could say the same about him.
He turned off the water and closed his eyes, wiping away the drips from his face. He couldn't let thoughts like that take over his mind at a time like this. Leslie was here. He needed to make the most of it.
A few minutes later, dressed and ready, he walked into the kitchen. Leslie already sat at the table, her fingers wrapped around a mug of coffee. Her whole face lit up like a summer day when she saw him.
God, she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
He helped his mom finish making some eggs and pancakes, and they kept the conversation light over breakfast. Ben and Leslie offered to do the cleanup afterward, and Doreen excused herself to do some "lesson planning," though Ben was pretty certain she just wanted to give them some privacy. Not that he minded.
"So," he said, rinsing a plate to stick in the dishwasher, "what do you want to do today?"
Leslie finished scraping the egg scraps off another plate into the disposal, and smiled up at him. "I was hoping you'd give me a tour of town."
Ben raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
"Really. I mean, it's your hometown. It shaped you and molded you. I want to hear all about it."
"I would have thought you'd have taken a tour when you first came to see my mom." He put the last of the plates in the dishwasher and rinsed off his hands.
"I did," replied Leslie with a casual shrug. "But there was still a little snow on the ground, and with her crutches Doreen wasn't up to anything more than a driving tour. I want to get my feet on the ground and really experience Partridge. Besides, different people always have different perspectives on places, even when they're from the same family."
"Okay." Ben tried to swallow the knot forming in his chest. He'd barely left the house since coming to see his mom, except for two excursions to the grocery store and one visit to Don's house. This would be more difficult. But he needed to start doing things like this. He needed to stop letting the anxiety trap him. "We'll take a tour."
A few minutes later, Ben slid behind the wheel of Leslie's car and headed into the center of town. Though he hadn't been home in several years, he remembered every street and every landscape. He managed to lament the closure of six different restaurants and businesses within the first five minutes of driving. But it was nice to see some of the new chains and businesses that had moved into Partridge in his absence.
The town center itself hadn't changed much. Ben parked alongside the small park there, and took Leslie's hand as they walked. The stately city offices still boasted impeccably maintained white columns across its entire façade. He pointed at the stairs. "They took my picture right there when I was sworn in. It was the proudest moment of my life." For the first time he smiled at the memory. After what he'd been through the past year, making some dumb mistakes in the public eye as a kid didn't seem like such a big deal anymore. He could almost laugh at it.
Leslie squeezed his hand and leaned against him. "Teenage me would have made-out with teenage you so hardcore."
Ben chuckled. "I'm pretty sure the feeling would have been mutual."
They strolled slowly around the town center and along main street. Ben pointed out all the old family shops that were still there, and all the businesses he held campaign events at. He showed her the street down to his old fishing hole, and the park where he attempted dirt bike stunts with his friends. He had a moment of anxiety when a black SUV with dark tinted windows drove by, but Leslie felt him tense up and rubbed his back until he relaxed.
As they walked and talked, Ben could almost imagine that he was Ben Wyatt again. That he'd been working in Pawnee for nearly a year, and had brought his girlfriend to Partridge for the first time to meet his family. He could pretend that he'd lived a normal, peaceful life, and had finally found the woman of his dreams to share it with. He could pretend that they'd never been apart. That she'd never been hurt. It was a fantasy he wanted to hold onto for as long as possible.
After sharing lunch at a little diner off the town center, Leslie led Ben back to her car. "There's one place I remember seeing with your mom that I think we need to go to together, but it'll take a short drive."
"Okay. Where to?"
"It's a surprise. I have to drive."
Ben let her take over the driver's seat and slide in beside her, eager to see what sort of surprise she could have managed to concoct in his own hometown. However, as she made a few turns, he began to suspect what their destination would be, and gripped the armrests. "Leslie-are you sure about this?"
"Yes. I understand if the ice rink makes you nervous, but there's something inside that you have to see."
Ben swallowed and nodded. Okay. He'd humor her.
A minute later they pulled up in front of the run-down old ice-rink that he'd long ago planned to replace with the ill-fated Icetown. The building had undergone some renovations eight years again, but those had already worn down enough for the rink to look as dreary and old as it had during his youth. With a sigh of resignation, Ben followed Leslie out of the car and through the entrance of the rink.
Thankfully, they by-passed the skate-rental desk. He certainly didn't feel up to a spin around the ice.
Instead, Leslie led him toward the spectator area. He raised his eyebrows at the sight of what appeared to be extremely new, vivid white bleachers taking the place of the rickety old ones of his memory. "Wow. That's a nice upgrade," he said.
"It is," she replied. "And take a look at the dedication plaque."
She pointed at a small bronze plaque on the wall just to the side of the bleachers. He stepped forward to read it.
"This public seating is dedicated in honor of Benjamin Adams, native son of Partridge, committed public servant, cancer research advocate and crusader for justice."
Ben's jaw dropped. "What? I-I-what the hell?"
Leslie smiled and shrugged. "Apparently the mayor's been getting some bad press this past year, and he thought a PR stunt involving a famous Partridge native would be good for his public image. He wanted to have an unveiling ceremony the week you got home, but Doreen managed to convince him that you weren't feeling up to it."
Ben shook his head. "I still don't understand. I was a pariah in this town. People egged my car last time I came to visit."
Leslie stood close to him and rubbed his back with one hand. "From what I hear, you can consider your past redeemed. I guess the folks around here like the idea of someone risking their life to bring justice to the families of cancer victims. You're a hometown hero now, whether you like it or not."
They stood in silence for a moment, Ben blinking in confusion at the plaque. He'd avoided talking to people since arriving, and most of them didn't seem to recognize him with the beard, so he hadn't experienced this collective change of heart, yet. It couldn't be true, could it?
"I wanted you to know that this is how people feel about you. About what you did," said Leslie softly. "I know you feel-god-all sorts of things, about how your time in Pawnee ended. And I know it's been eating you up inside. But you need to know that other people see you as a hero. The people of Partridge do. The people of Pawnee do. The families of the victims of Everson do. You're an amazing man, Ben. I hope someday you can understand why we feel that way."
Dozens of possible refutations to his hero status floated through his mind, but one driving thought pushed them all aside.
Time for some courage.
"I love you," he said. His stomach felt queasy and his heart raced, but the look of happy surprise on her face spurred him onward. "I've felt this way for a long time, but I never told you back in Pawnee because I didn't want you to feel obligated to wait for me. But I'm starting to realize that when you feel something you should just say it, because you might lose your chance forever and regret it for the rest of your life. So I'm telling you now. Leslie Knope, I am in love with you."
Leslie's answering smile was radiant, and moisture glistened in her eyes. "I love you too," she said with a shaking voice.
"I know. My mom told me."
Leslie's face cracked and laughter spilled out. Ben followed suit, letting the laughter well up deep inside him. Soon he was laughing so hard he could hardly breath.
None of his guilt or anxiety had vanished, but something new was rising to join those feelings-relief.
The dark times were over. He'd made it. They'd made it. Maybe it was time to let himself be happy again.
~ ~ ~
Leslie had suspected-hoped-that Ben felt this way for a long time, but nothing compared to actually hearing him say it. The sound of his laughter and the look of his smile convinced her that Ben had finally, finally, come home to her.
Though she'd been reminding herself since arriving on his doorstep that she needed to take things slow and careful, now was hardly the time for caution. Once their laughter subsided a little she wrapped her hands behind his neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss.
He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her close, sending tingles of warmth up and down her body. She wound her fingers up through his shaggy hair and kissed him with all the hunger and need that she'd been holding back since last night. He pulled her even closer, and all the tension and worry she'd been carrying for weeks melted away.
She let herself revel in the impromptu make-out until she glimpsed a passing mother leading two young children giving them a dirty look.
Leslie pulled back, sliding her hands down his chest. "Maybe we should take this outside."
"Yes. Absolutely." His voice was rough and eager.
Leslie grabbed his hand and half-jogged as she dragged him toward the car. No sooner had they slid into their seats and closed their doors then his hands were in her hair and his lips were moving against hers, leaving her face feeling raw from the rough burn of his beard.
She'd warned herself to be patient. She'd told herself to be careful. She knew she ought to take things slow.
Screw it.
She pulled back from him, gasping. "Do you want to go back to my hotel?"
"Yes." His voice rasped and his eyes darkened.
God, she needed this.
"Let's go." She clicked on her seatbelt and turned the key.
~ ~ ~
Ben followed Leslie to her hotel room with a rising sense of anticipation. Her radiant smile made his heart race.
Everything about this moment felt gloriously, exquisitely real. He wasn't dreaming, he wasn't fantasizing, he wasn't remembering. No-this was actually happening.
She loved him. She wanted him. They could be together again.
As soon as the door to her room clicked shut behind them he pulled her back in for another lingering kiss, reveling in the scent of her excitement.
She pushed his jacket off of his shoulders and he dropped it to the floor before tugging her sweater off over her head. He slid his hand under her thin button-up shirt and sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, smiling at the her moan of pleasure as he palmed her breast.
They stumbled toward the bed, kicking off their shoes and fumbling with belts and buttons.
Her jeans crumpled to the floor just beside the bed, and she tugged his down before moving to kneel on the bed. Ben kicked off his jeans and joined her, kissing her again and again. He could do this forever.
Leslie pushed her hands under his t-shirt, the feeling of her fingers on his skin tingling like electricity through his body. She grabbed his hem and tugged upward. He pulled back from her long enough to finish pulling it off, and then grinned and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist while she unbuttoned her shirt, a wanton smile on her face.
He leaned forward to kiss her neck and push her shirt off her shoulders to let it drop to the bed, and then raised his head to stare down at her body.
His heart stopped.
A vivid red circular scar marred the skin at the base of her rib cage on her right side.
He stared down at the scar, feeling dizzy, like he couldn't catch his breath.
"Ben?" Her voice carried a note of worry.
He closed his eyes and gasped for breath as memories of her red blood staining the white snow filled his mind.
He felt her hands on his face, pushing his hair back, and then she pulled him against her until his head rested on her shoulder.
"Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he muttered.
"It's okay. Really." She rubbed his back slowly. "I'm fine. You're fine. We're okay. We're going to get through this together."
He focused on the sound of her breathing, the warmth of her hand on his back, the scent of her skin. She was alright. She was right here. He didn't have to be afraid anymore.
He swallowed and took a few deep breaths. The memories subsided and his body calmed beneath her touch and soft whispers of reassurance.
A few minutes later he lifted his head and felt a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'm sorry. I ruined it." He closed his eyes again, fighting against the embarrassment and guilt. "I'm so screwed up. Why do you even love me?"
Leslie rested her hand on his cheek on forced him to meet her eyes. "I love you because I choose to love you. And I'm going to keep on choosing you. You have nothing to apologize for. Got it?"
He felt another tear slipping from his eye, and blotted it away with the back of his hand. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. But if she was going to give him this chance, he needed to work like hell to try to deserve it someday. "Got it."
"Good. Now-I know this freaked you out, but it's a part of me now. So I want you to get used to it, okay?" She took his hand and guided it to her scar. It felt thick and rough beneath his fingers.
"I have a matching one on the other side, see?" She angled her torso so he could see the larger, more irregular scar on her back.
He held his breath and slid his hand around to rest his palm against it.
"See?" she said. "I'm healing. It doesn't hurt anymore. I'm going to be fine. I'm the tree."
Ben narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What?"
Leslie smiled and shook her head. "Sorry-it's-well-I'll explain some other time. It just means that I won't let this stop me. I'm still going strong."
"You are, aren't you?" It amazed him how strong such a small person could be. There was nothing weak or delicate about Leslie Knope.
"And you are, too," she replied, resting her hand on his cheek again. "Or, at least you will be, if you keep getting the help you need."
"I will. I promise." He felt so much better already after getting back on the pills and talking to Chris and the therapist and now Leslie. It could only get even better. It had to.
"Because if we're going to go for this-if we want it to be real, and want it to work, that's what it will take." She sounded vulnerable for the first time all day.
Ben took another deep breath and nodded, taking both of her hands in his. "I want this to work. Not just us together, but your life-my life. I want it all to work. And I screwed up when I first came home. I-I wasn't ready, and I got stupid and went off my pills and hid when I should have been reaching out. I won't make that mistake again. I promise. I'll stay on the meds as long as I need them, and I'll keep going to the therapist, and, and anything else that I need to do. I promise."
Leslie smiled, a few of her own tears welling. "Good. That's what I want. That's what you need. And I promise I'll keep getting the help I need, too. Ann's been amazing, and I've been seeing a therapist, too. It was weird at first, but it really helps. It's helped me and it'll help you, too. I know it will. We'll do this together. We'll get the help we need together. Okay?"
The love and gratitude welling inside of him was almost enough to overwhelm him. He pulled her into a tight embrace. "Yes. Together. We'll do it together."
~ ~ ~
Leslie savored Ben's slow, careful kisses just as much as she had his more urgent kisses earlier. They took their time, running their hands over each other's bodies, remembering all the familiar curves and contours.
His fingers lingered on her new scars, but she didn't push him away. The scars were a part of her, now. She wanted him to love them as much as he loved the rest of her.
She moaned and tugged at his hair when he sucked her nipple into his mouth, and gasped when he dipped his fingers inside of her before sliding them up to rub over her clit.
He lifted his head to kiss her again, and she sucked on his lips and tongue, never wanting to let go. She ran her hand along his shaft and grinned at the way he shuddered. He shifted the movement of his fingers to make her shudder in return.
They moved languorously, eking every possible moment of pleasure out each other's touch. She'd waited almost four months to be with him again-now she wanted this time to last forever.
Her heat built slowly and surely, and when she couldn't stand it anymore she shifted to pull him between her legs. She trembled and cried out in ecstasy almost as soon as he slid inside of her. The wave of pleasure lingered as he continued to thrust, only ebbing slightly before he tensed and moaned, reaching his own climax.
They lay tangled around each other, her head resting on his shoulder.
"I love you so much," he murmured.
"I love you, too."
For the first time since Ben left Pawnee, she truly believed that everything was going to be okay.
TBC
Read the final chapter here.
Between getting back on the meds and finally opening up about his problems first to Chris and then to the therapist, Ben felt almost like himself when Don and Lisa came over for Friday night dinner and games. They'd just finished their second game of Settlers of Catan (his mom won the first game, but Ben managed to pull out a narrow win in the second) when the doorbell rang.
Everyone blinked in surprise.
"It's past ten," said Lisa. "Who in the world would be stopping by so late?"
"I'll go see," said Don, getting up and heading for the door.
Ben's hand felt twitchy and his heart started pounding. He'd feel a lot safer if he had a gun to pick up.
Then he heard a soft feminine voice talking to Don, and his heart froze.
He moved as if in a dream as he rose from his chair and drifted toward the front room, barely noticing the concerned questions from his mom and Lisa.
He stepped out of the hall into the front room, and stopped. His feet wouldn't move another step.
Don turned and stepped aside to reveal the woman standing on the front porch, but Ben already knew who it was.
Leslie's hair was a little longer, and in spite of the large sweater she wore over her jeans, he could tell that she'd lost weight. Her smile was tired and nervous.
But she was still Leslie. Her eyes shone just as bright as ever. And she was standing right in front of him-alive and well.
"I'm sorry, I should have called," she said, shaking her head. "I just . . . a mutual friend showed up in Pawnee and told me I should come. So I came."
Ben tried to take a step forward, but his feet still wouldn't move. He swallowed. "Chris?" he managed to croak.
She nodded, her smile softening. "Chris."
Their eyes locked, and silence fell. Ben felt like he might pass out, and realized it was because he'd stopped breathing.
"Um . . ." Don's voice broke the tension of the moment. "Do you, uh, want to come in?"
Leslie's smile vanished. "It's late. I don't know what I was thinking. I got a hotel room already-I should have stayed there instead of coming over so late. I should just go and come back tomorrow. I should go-"
"Don't leave." Ben's voice came out as barely more than a rough whisper.
He swallowed and forced his legs to move, stepping a few paces closer to where she stood shivering in the night air. "Don't leave," he repeated, feeling like his heart really would stop beating if she turned her back on him now. "Please."
"I'll stay," she said, stepping across the threshold. Her eyes looked over his shoulder. "If it's okay . . . ?"
"Please, Leslie. Come in. You're always welcome," his mother said from behind him. He turned his head to see her and Lisa staring between him and Leslie.
Don looked more than a little bemused, too. He cleared his throat. "Leslie, let me introduce you to my wife, Lisa." He gestured.
Lisa smiled and waved. "Hi. Good to meet you. Doreen's told me so much about you."
"I wish we could stay to chat," said Don, "but we were just getting ready to leave. Maybe we can see you again tomorrow?"
Leslie's eyes darted back to Ben for a moment before returning to Don. "I hope so."
Don and Lisa scrambled for their coats and made some hasty goodbyes before stepping out the front door and closing it behind them. Ben still hadn't managed to move from the place where his feet had taken root, but Leslie came a little further into the room. She kept sending nervous glances in his direction while shaking hands with Don and Lisa as they said goodnight.
Once the door was closed, his mom turned to them. "I'm going to put on a pot of coffee for you, and then I'm going to bed. Feel free to stay as long as you like."
Ben managed a smile as she moved as fast on her crutches as most people moved on their feet, leaving him alone in the front room with Leslie.
She held his gaze and took a deep breath. "So . . ."
It was the first time she spoke directly to him since agreeing to stay, and it was enough to break that spell that had been holding him frozen. "Sit. We should-we should sit. Right?" He gestured at the armchairs positioned in the cradle of the front bay window.
Leslie nodded. "Yes. Sitting sounds good. That's what people usually do in these situations, I think."
"Okay. We'll sit."
Ben perched on the edge of his armchair, torn between keeping a respectful distance (given how poorly their last interaction ended) and reaching out to touch her. God, he wanted to touch her-to feel, once and for all, that she was real and whole and sitting right next to him.
He noticed that Leslie did the same, balancing right on the edge of her chair as if those few extra inches closer to him meant something.
Maybe they did. Maybe they meant everything.
She came as soon as Chris told her to come. I fucked things up, but she still came.
They sat in silence for a moment before Leslie took a deep breath and spoke. "I should have come sooner. I wanted to, but I was worried that you didn't want to see me. But Chris said . . .he said that you probably did. So I decided to take a chance." She looked down at her hands until the very end. On the word "chance" her eyes darted up to meet his, a look of anxious hope suffusing her face.
Dozens of possible responses clouded Ben's mind, and he sat for a moment pondering which one to use before finally settling on the truth-or as close to the truth as he could come. "I've wanted to see you every minute of every hour of every day since I left Pawnee. But I don't deserve a second chance at that kind of happiness."
~ ~ ~
Leslie's heart ached all the more over the matter-of-fact tone in which Ben confessed his reason for avoiding her. It was as if he really believed it-and thought that everyone else would believe it, too. Including her.
He was thin and haggard, the lines around his eyes more pronounced than they'd been before their time apart. Somewhere along the way he'd given up on personal grooming, and his shaggy hair drooped low over his forehead while a short, scruffy beard obscured the lower half of his face.
The total impression of his appearance could be summed up in a single word: weary. Ben looked so damn weary.
Time to change that. If he'd let her.
"Lots of people don't deserve what life gives them, the good or the bad. So I don't care what you think you deserve. I'm here. I'm in your life. And I'm determined to stay in your life until you tell me to leave. So-" She paused just for a moment, to gather the courage to say what needed to be said next. "-are you going to tell me to leave?"
"No." His voice was rough and moisture stood glistening in his eyes, stubbornly refusing to turn into tears. "I don't want you to go."
"Good." Baby steps. She had to content herself with baby steps. No gathering him into her arms and smothering him with her kisses. She had to take it slow and easy. She couldn't screw this one up.
He nodded and swallowed, his eyes searching hers.
What next? Where to start?
Ben spoke first. "I saw-I saw you got your park. Lot 48. We weren't supposed to go on the internet, but Chris broke the rules for me. He found the article. A few articles, really, but that was the last one he brought home. You got your park." He let himself smile on the last sentence-a small, wistful smile.
She'd missed that smile so much. "I wish you could've been there for the groundbreaking. As happy as I was-as I am-that this park is finally being built, it felt a little empty. Because it's only happening as a PR stunt for Sweetums. Not because I successfully raised the funds and cut through the red tape and won the battle. It's bittersweet. I haven't been able to tell that to anyone, because they wouldn't understand. But you do, don't you?"
Ben nodded, clasping his hands between his knees and hunching forward. "Some people say that a win is a win, no matter how you get it. But some wins don't feel earned. And others come at too high a price."
A lump rose in her throat. "Yeah. They do."
One of Ben's tears finally pushed past the barrier of his eyelid and rolled down his cheek, only to be trapped like a glimmering dewdrop in his beard. Leslie stared at it as he spoke again.
"I want to apologize a million times over for staying when I should have left-for putting you in harm's way because I listened to my heart instead of my head. I want to-I need to-tell you how sorry I am. But I can't." He blotted the moisture from his cheek and wiped at his eyes. Leslie felt her own tears welling, hot and ready to spill.
Ben shook his head. "I can't because that would mean feeling sorry for what we had. And I can't. I can't feel sorry for that. I've tried to. I've tried so hard to convince myself that both our lives would've been better if we hadn't been together. But it never worked. And I hate myself for that. Because our relationship is what got you hurt. I should regret it, because it brought my problems and my danger down on you. I was selfish and greedy and stupid, and it got you hurt, and I should regret being with you because of that. But I don't. I don't." He wiped his eyes again and hung his head forward, avoiding her gaze. "I feel so fucking guilty for not regretting it. I'm sorry."
Leslie didn't bother wiping the tears away as they coursed down her cheeks. "I guess I finally understand why you've been avoiding me." She'd known this was going to hurt, but she hadn't realized how bad.
Ben sniffed and smiled-an expression of mixed relief and bitterness. "Now that one I can apologize for. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"I'm sorry, too." Her voice shook. "I should've come sooner. I shouldn't have let anything stop me. I'm sorry."
"Thank god for Chris, right?" Ben's expression was finally beginning to soften. He almost looked like himself again.
She nodded. "Thank god for Chris." Her hands twitched forward, reaching out him, but small side table and an unwieldy expanse of floor stood between them.
He must have noticed her movement because he frowned. "Why the hell are we sitting on these chairs?"
Leslie smiled-a smile so warm she could feel it coursing upward from her chest. "I have no idea."
She couldn't say which one of them stood first or if they rose simultaneously, but before she could take another breath they were both on their feet and her arms were wrapped around his lean torso and his arms had enfolded her whole upper body and they were both squeezing so tightly that she could hardly take that breath that she now needed pretty badly but she didn't even care. She laughed and cried, and Ben just cried, but she could handle that. Let him cry all he needed to-as long as it was on her shoulder.
The minutes slipped by. Leslie couldn't have said how long-who kept track of time during moments like this? They stood holding each other, swaying slightly first to the rhythm of their tears, and then to the softer rhythm of their breathing. She sucked in his scent, letting it fill her with memories of all the nights she spent wrapped in his arms. She traced the pattern of his backbones and shoulder blades with her fingers to remind herself that this wasn't all a dream.
Ben was the first to break the spell. "Thank you for coming," he murmured into her hair.
Leslie smiled against his shoulder. "Thank you for asking me to stay." She tilted her head up to meet his eyes-still moist and shining-to see the look of bewildered gratitude that they held. And then his lips met hers and she stopped thinking altogether.
His kiss was tentative and hungry all at once, and she pushed toward him with so much energy that their noses smashed a little, and her lips burned against the friction of his beard, but it was perfect all the same. When it ended she breathed a little faster and laughed with relief, clinging to him to steady herself. "I think I could use that pot of coffee now."
"Me too."
They held hands on their way to the kitchen, and she couldn't stop smiling as they found some mugs and sugar and he dug through the fridge to find the can of whipped cream that Leslie had left there after her visit almost a month ago.
"I can really do without," she said, leaning back against the counter edge, smiling at the site of him bending over, digging through the dimly lit fridge.
"No-I know it's still in here. I saw it a few days ago. Just give me a sec . . ." He shifted a few more items. "Found it!" He rose with a pleased smile that made her heart leap. He waved the can in front of him, showing it off, and then squinted and looked at it a little closer. "And it doesn't expire for two more weeks. We're good to go."
After doctoring their mugs of coffee to their tastes they sank onto Doreen's family room couch, snuggled close. The feeling of Ben's leg pushed up against hers and his arm wrapped around her shoulders was enough to make her forget all the problems that still stood in their way. She could worry about those tomorrow. For today, just sitting beside him was enough.
She took a big sip of her sweet caffeinated goodness and licked her lips. "I feel like there's so much to say-we have so much to catch up on. I don't where to start. Do you want to talk about you, or about me?"
"Not about me," Ben said immediately, his tone sharp.
Leslie held her tongue for a moment. This was one of the problems that could wait until tomorrow.
His voice softer, Ben said, "Catch me up on the people in the parks department. All of them, one at a time."
"Okay." She settled deeper into the crook of his arm. "Let's start with Ron. Believe it or not, he's been dating Tonya."
Ben blinked a few times. "Tonya Burdette? Federal marshal Tonya?"
"Yep. I thought you'd appreciate that." She grinned and settled in for a long night of stories.
~ ~ ~
Ben could listen to stories of Pawnee forever. He leaned into the couch cushions, holding Leslie close, and listened to her tales of Ron's unexpected new relationship, Tom's venture into the world of small-batch liqueur, Paul's return to his post as city manager, and a recent spat with the neighboring town of Eagleton over a shared park.
When she got to April and Andy, she had another bit of unexpected news. "So, their search for a new roommate eventually turned into a search for a cheaper home, and they found a great deal on a fully furnished condo that had been recently and unexpectedly vacated." She raised a teasing eyebrow.
"No," he said. "You mean-?"
"Yep. They took over the lease of your old condo, and April's weirdo friend Orin moved into the extra room. That guy gives me the creeps. But don't worry-we boxed up all of Chris's stuff and your stuff. I brought some to Doreen, but there are still a few boxes in my garage."
"You found room for more boxes in your garage?"
"Hey!" Leslie poked him. "You could show a little gratitude."
Ben smiled at her playful tone. God, he could really get used to this. He leaned his head against hers. "I am grateful. Really. Thank you."
"You're welcome." She nuzzled him back.
Ben let out a contented sigh and rested his head on her shoulder and the cushions, sinking into a position of total comfort. So what if he didn't deserve this.
Really. So what?
She was here. She was smiling and happy and alive. And she wanted to be with him. That was all that really mattered in the end, wasn't it?
Maybe if he told himself that enough times, he'd get over the guilt.
"Can you keep telling me about Pawnee? Tell me about how Mouse Rat is doing, and if Andy is still taking Krav Maga, and how all the businesses we partnered with for the 5k and Harvest Festival are doing. I want to hear everything. Please?" If he was going to let himself live inside this dream tonight, he might as well wade in all the way.
Leslie ran her hand down his arm until she reached his hand; she threaded her fingers through his. "Okay. I'll tell you everything."
Ben closed his eyes and listened.
~ ~ ~
Leslie blinked and gasped, waking with a start. It took her just a moment to remember where she was-Doreen's house, with Ben.
To be more specific, reclining against Ben, who was reclining against the arm of the sofa. Somehow, in the middle of catching him up on three months of Pawnee, they'd both drifted off to sleep.
Leslie smiled at the sight of him looking so peaceful. She reached up to gently push some of the hair off of his forehead and sighed. A quick glance at the wall clock determined that it was four-eighteen in the morning. And though she wanted to stay here like this until the sun came up, she knew she could sit still that long. She'd inevitably wake Ben up, and then they'd have to start dealing with things.
She wasn't ready to deal with things, yet. Neither was Ben. He needed his rest. And she needed a shower.
Carefully and slowly she wiggled out from under his arm. He twitched and shifted, but didn't wake up. She tip-toed out to the front room to get the purse she'd abandoned there. She pulled out a notepad and a pencil. She could probably get to the hotel, shower, change and come back all before Ben woke up, but she'd leave a note just in case.
As she scrawled the words, "I'll be back soon," she heard a cough and some movement from the family room. Maybe she'd woken him up, after all.
She crept back to the family room to find Ben sitting up, his disheveled hair sticking up at strange angles, his eyes blinking rapidly in the dim light. His eyes focused in on her. "You're here."
"I'm here." She stepped a little closer.
He shook his head, looking disoriented. "For a second there I thought it was all a dream." His eyes turned to the purse slung over her shoulder. "Were you leaving?"
The undisguised pain in his question hit her like a slap. She shook her head and quickly sat down beside him. "No. Well, yes, but also no. I was going to slip over to the hotel for a couple of hours to shower and change. I thought I'd be back before you woke up. I'm sorry."
"So you're not leaving?" He clutched at her hand.
She shook her head. "Not leaving. I just wanted you to sleep in peace for a few hours."
Ben nodded, looking more asleep than awake. "Okay."
"Okay." His eyes didn't seem to be focusing on anything anymore. "Time to get you back to bed."
"Okay."
Leslie stood and helped him to his feet. She held his hand as he shambled down the hall to his room. After he lay down on the bed she pulled the shoes off his feet and sat beside him, pushing the hair back from his face one more time. "You get some sleep."
"You can stay." He met her gaze with hopeful eyes.
Tempting-to wrap up in his comforter and snuggle close. She'd missed the snuggling so much. She shook her head. "I'm way too amped up to sleep. I'd just fidget and keep you awake."
"I don't mind," he said, his voice rough.
Leslie smiled. "You might not mind now, but you probably will at two in the afternoon when you're so tired you can hardly stand up. Go back to sleep. I'll go shower and change, and I'll be back by eight. Okay?"
He sighed and nodded. "Okay." He lifted his hand and traced the outline of her face with his fingertips. "Just make sure you come back."
"I will. I promise." She leaned over to place a delicate kiss on his lips. "I'll see you in a few hours."
"See you then."
At the hotel she shucked her traveling clothes and stepped into the hot shower.
This was happening. It was really happening. But she needed to be careful. They'd both been hurt. They both had more healing to do. Especially Ben. He had a whole life to rediscover, and years of built up anxiety and pain to deal with. She could help him, but she couldn't do it for him, and she couldn't push too hard.
She repeated that thought again and again as she tilted her face up to let the hot water stream over her.
Don't push too hard.
~ ~ ~
When Ben woke up alone in his bed it took him several minutes to convince himself that she'd really been there. That she was really coming back.
He emerged from his room at two until eight, and Leslie hadn't arrived yet. He stood at the window by the front door for most of a minute, watching and waiting.
No.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This wasn't healthy. He needed to get better-not just stay messed up in a whole new way.
I'll take a shower, and she'll be here when I get out.
He pulled himself away from the window and made his way to the bathroom, repeat the thought as he stripped and turned on the water. She'll be here when I get out.
He left the water lukewarm to shock him into greater wakefulness, and scrubbed his body fiercely. He needed to feel clean and fresh. He needed to feel like today was the start of something new.
Just as he was about to turn off the water there was a sharp rap on the bathroom door, and he heard his mother's voice. "Leslie just got here. I'm making breakfast."
"I'll be right out." His heart pounded and he let himself smile.
She came. She'd said she would, and she did. He shouldn't have worried. This was Leslie-she'd never let him down.
If only she could say the same about him.
He turned off the water and closed his eyes, wiping away the drips from his face. He couldn't let thoughts like that take over his mind at a time like this. Leslie was here. He needed to make the most of it.
A few minutes later, dressed and ready, he walked into the kitchen. Leslie already sat at the table, her fingers wrapped around a mug of coffee. Her whole face lit up like a summer day when she saw him.
God, she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
He helped his mom finish making some eggs and pancakes, and they kept the conversation light over breakfast. Ben and Leslie offered to do the cleanup afterward, and Doreen excused herself to do some "lesson planning," though Ben was pretty certain she just wanted to give them some privacy. Not that he minded.
"So," he said, rinsing a plate to stick in the dishwasher, "what do you want to do today?"
Leslie finished scraping the egg scraps off another plate into the disposal, and smiled up at him. "I was hoping you'd give me a tour of town."
Ben raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
"Really. I mean, it's your hometown. It shaped you and molded you. I want to hear all about it."
"I would have thought you'd have taken a tour when you first came to see my mom." He put the last of the plates in the dishwasher and rinsed off his hands.
"I did," replied Leslie with a casual shrug. "But there was still a little snow on the ground, and with her crutches Doreen wasn't up to anything more than a driving tour. I want to get my feet on the ground and really experience Partridge. Besides, different people always have different perspectives on places, even when they're from the same family."
"Okay." Ben tried to swallow the knot forming in his chest. He'd barely left the house since coming to see his mom, except for two excursions to the grocery store and one visit to Don's house. This would be more difficult. But he needed to start doing things like this. He needed to stop letting the anxiety trap him. "We'll take a tour."
A few minutes later, Ben slid behind the wheel of Leslie's car and headed into the center of town. Though he hadn't been home in several years, he remembered every street and every landscape. He managed to lament the closure of six different restaurants and businesses within the first five minutes of driving. But it was nice to see some of the new chains and businesses that had moved into Partridge in his absence.
The town center itself hadn't changed much. Ben parked alongside the small park there, and took Leslie's hand as they walked. The stately city offices still boasted impeccably maintained white columns across its entire façade. He pointed at the stairs. "They took my picture right there when I was sworn in. It was the proudest moment of my life." For the first time he smiled at the memory. After what he'd been through the past year, making some dumb mistakes in the public eye as a kid didn't seem like such a big deal anymore. He could almost laugh at it.
Leslie squeezed his hand and leaned against him. "Teenage me would have made-out with teenage you so hardcore."
Ben chuckled. "I'm pretty sure the feeling would have been mutual."
They strolled slowly around the town center and along main street. Ben pointed out all the old family shops that were still there, and all the businesses he held campaign events at. He showed her the street down to his old fishing hole, and the park where he attempted dirt bike stunts with his friends. He had a moment of anxiety when a black SUV with dark tinted windows drove by, but Leslie felt him tense up and rubbed his back until he relaxed.
As they walked and talked, Ben could almost imagine that he was Ben Wyatt again. That he'd been working in Pawnee for nearly a year, and had brought his girlfriend to Partridge for the first time to meet his family. He could pretend that he'd lived a normal, peaceful life, and had finally found the woman of his dreams to share it with. He could pretend that they'd never been apart. That she'd never been hurt. It was a fantasy he wanted to hold onto for as long as possible.
After sharing lunch at a little diner off the town center, Leslie led Ben back to her car. "There's one place I remember seeing with your mom that I think we need to go to together, but it'll take a short drive."
"Okay. Where to?"
"It's a surprise. I have to drive."
Ben let her take over the driver's seat and slide in beside her, eager to see what sort of surprise she could have managed to concoct in his own hometown. However, as she made a few turns, he began to suspect what their destination would be, and gripped the armrests. "Leslie-are you sure about this?"
"Yes. I understand if the ice rink makes you nervous, but there's something inside that you have to see."
Ben swallowed and nodded. Okay. He'd humor her.
A minute later they pulled up in front of the run-down old ice-rink that he'd long ago planned to replace with the ill-fated Icetown. The building had undergone some renovations eight years again, but those had already worn down enough for the rink to look as dreary and old as it had during his youth. With a sigh of resignation, Ben followed Leslie out of the car and through the entrance of the rink.
Thankfully, they by-passed the skate-rental desk. He certainly didn't feel up to a spin around the ice.
Instead, Leslie led him toward the spectator area. He raised his eyebrows at the sight of what appeared to be extremely new, vivid white bleachers taking the place of the rickety old ones of his memory. "Wow. That's a nice upgrade," he said.
"It is," she replied. "And take a look at the dedication plaque."
She pointed at a small bronze plaque on the wall just to the side of the bleachers. He stepped forward to read it.
"This public seating is dedicated in honor of Benjamin Adams, native son of Partridge, committed public servant, cancer research advocate and crusader for justice."
Ben's jaw dropped. "What? I-I-what the hell?"
Leslie smiled and shrugged. "Apparently the mayor's been getting some bad press this past year, and he thought a PR stunt involving a famous Partridge native would be good for his public image. He wanted to have an unveiling ceremony the week you got home, but Doreen managed to convince him that you weren't feeling up to it."
Ben shook his head. "I still don't understand. I was a pariah in this town. People egged my car last time I came to visit."
Leslie stood close to him and rubbed his back with one hand. "From what I hear, you can consider your past redeemed. I guess the folks around here like the idea of someone risking their life to bring justice to the families of cancer victims. You're a hometown hero now, whether you like it or not."
They stood in silence for a moment, Ben blinking in confusion at the plaque. He'd avoided talking to people since arriving, and most of them didn't seem to recognize him with the beard, so he hadn't experienced this collective change of heart, yet. It couldn't be true, could it?
"I wanted you to know that this is how people feel about you. About what you did," said Leslie softly. "I know you feel-god-all sorts of things, about how your time in Pawnee ended. And I know it's been eating you up inside. But you need to know that other people see you as a hero. The people of Partridge do. The people of Pawnee do. The families of the victims of Everson do. You're an amazing man, Ben. I hope someday you can understand why we feel that way."
Dozens of possible refutations to his hero status floated through his mind, but one driving thought pushed them all aside.
Time for some courage.
"I love you," he said. His stomach felt queasy and his heart raced, but the look of happy surprise on her face spurred him onward. "I've felt this way for a long time, but I never told you back in Pawnee because I didn't want you to feel obligated to wait for me. But I'm starting to realize that when you feel something you should just say it, because you might lose your chance forever and regret it for the rest of your life. So I'm telling you now. Leslie Knope, I am in love with you."
Leslie's answering smile was radiant, and moisture glistened in her eyes. "I love you too," she said with a shaking voice.
"I know. My mom told me."
Leslie's face cracked and laughter spilled out. Ben followed suit, letting the laughter well up deep inside him. Soon he was laughing so hard he could hardly breath.
None of his guilt or anxiety had vanished, but something new was rising to join those feelings-relief.
The dark times were over. He'd made it. They'd made it. Maybe it was time to let himself be happy again.
~ ~ ~
Leslie had suspected-hoped-that Ben felt this way for a long time, but nothing compared to actually hearing him say it. The sound of his laughter and the look of his smile convinced her that Ben had finally, finally, come home to her.
Though she'd been reminding herself since arriving on his doorstep that she needed to take things slow and careful, now was hardly the time for caution. Once their laughter subsided a little she wrapped her hands behind his neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss.
He wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her close, sending tingles of warmth up and down her body. She wound her fingers up through his shaggy hair and kissed him with all the hunger and need that she'd been holding back since last night. He pulled her even closer, and all the tension and worry she'd been carrying for weeks melted away.
She let herself revel in the impromptu make-out until she glimpsed a passing mother leading two young children giving them a dirty look.
Leslie pulled back, sliding her hands down his chest. "Maybe we should take this outside."
"Yes. Absolutely." His voice was rough and eager.
Leslie grabbed his hand and half-jogged as she dragged him toward the car. No sooner had they slid into their seats and closed their doors then his hands were in her hair and his lips were moving against hers, leaving her face feeling raw from the rough burn of his beard.
She'd warned herself to be patient. She'd told herself to be careful. She knew she ought to take things slow.
Screw it.
She pulled back from him, gasping. "Do you want to go back to my hotel?"
"Yes." His voice rasped and his eyes darkened.
God, she needed this.
"Let's go." She clicked on her seatbelt and turned the key.
~ ~ ~
Ben followed Leslie to her hotel room with a rising sense of anticipation. Her radiant smile made his heart race.
Everything about this moment felt gloriously, exquisitely real. He wasn't dreaming, he wasn't fantasizing, he wasn't remembering. No-this was actually happening.
She loved him. She wanted him. They could be together again.
As soon as the door to her room clicked shut behind them he pulled her back in for another lingering kiss, reveling in the scent of her excitement.
She pushed his jacket off of his shoulders and he dropped it to the floor before tugging her sweater off over her head. He slid his hand under her thin button-up shirt and sucked her bottom lip into his mouth, smiling at the her moan of pleasure as he palmed her breast.
They stumbled toward the bed, kicking off their shoes and fumbling with belts and buttons.
Her jeans crumpled to the floor just beside the bed, and she tugged his down before moving to kneel on the bed. Ben kicked off his jeans and joined her, kissing her again and again. He could do this forever.
Leslie pushed her hands under his t-shirt, the feeling of her fingers on his skin tingling like electricity through his body. She grabbed his hem and tugged upward. He pulled back from her long enough to finish pulling it off, and then grinned and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist while she unbuttoned her shirt, a wanton smile on her face.
He leaned forward to kiss her neck and push her shirt off her shoulders to let it drop to the bed, and then raised his head to stare down at her body.
His heart stopped.
A vivid red circular scar marred the skin at the base of her rib cage on her right side.
He stared down at the scar, feeling dizzy, like he couldn't catch his breath.
"Ben?" Her voice carried a note of worry.
He closed his eyes and gasped for breath as memories of her red blood staining the white snow filled his mind.
He felt her hands on his face, pushing his hair back, and then she pulled him against her until his head rested on her shoulder.
"Shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he muttered.
"It's okay. Really." She rubbed his back slowly. "I'm fine. You're fine. We're okay. We're going to get through this together."
He focused on the sound of her breathing, the warmth of her hand on his back, the scent of her skin. She was alright. She was right here. He didn't have to be afraid anymore.
He swallowed and took a few deep breaths. The memories subsided and his body calmed beneath her touch and soft whispers of reassurance.
A few minutes later he lifted his head and felt a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'm sorry. I ruined it." He closed his eyes again, fighting against the embarrassment and guilt. "I'm so screwed up. Why do you even love me?"
Leslie rested her hand on his cheek on forced him to meet her eyes. "I love you because I choose to love you. And I'm going to keep on choosing you. You have nothing to apologize for. Got it?"
He felt another tear slipping from his eye, and blotted it away with the back of his hand. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve her. But if she was going to give him this chance, he needed to work like hell to try to deserve it someday. "Got it."
"Good. Now-I know this freaked you out, but it's a part of me now. So I want you to get used to it, okay?" She took his hand and guided it to her scar. It felt thick and rough beneath his fingers.
"I have a matching one on the other side, see?" She angled her torso so he could see the larger, more irregular scar on her back.
He held his breath and slid his hand around to rest his palm against it.
"See?" she said. "I'm healing. It doesn't hurt anymore. I'm going to be fine. I'm the tree."
Ben narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What?"
Leslie smiled and shook her head. "Sorry-it's-well-I'll explain some other time. It just means that I won't let this stop me. I'm still going strong."
"You are, aren't you?" It amazed him how strong such a small person could be. There was nothing weak or delicate about Leslie Knope.
"And you are, too," she replied, resting her hand on his cheek again. "Or, at least you will be, if you keep getting the help you need."
"I will. I promise." He felt so much better already after getting back on the pills and talking to Chris and the therapist and now Leslie. It could only get even better. It had to.
"Because if we're going to go for this-if we want it to be real, and want it to work, that's what it will take." She sounded vulnerable for the first time all day.
Ben took another deep breath and nodded, taking both of her hands in his. "I want this to work. Not just us together, but your life-my life. I want it all to work. And I screwed up when I first came home. I-I wasn't ready, and I got stupid and went off my pills and hid when I should have been reaching out. I won't make that mistake again. I promise. I'll stay on the meds as long as I need them, and I'll keep going to the therapist, and, and anything else that I need to do. I promise."
Leslie smiled, a few of her own tears welling. "Good. That's what I want. That's what you need. And I promise I'll keep getting the help I need, too. Ann's been amazing, and I've been seeing a therapist, too. It was weird at first, but it really helps. It's helped me and it'll help you, too. I know it will. We'll do this together. We'll get the help we need together. Okay?"
The love and gratitude welling inside of him was almost enough to overwhelm him. He pulled her into a tight embrace. "Yes. Together. We'll do it together."
~ ~ ~
Leslie savored Ben's slow, careful kisses just as much as she had his more urgent kisses earlier. They took their time, running their hands over each other's bodies, remembering all the familiar curves and contours.
His fingers lingered on her new scars, but she didn't push him away. The scars were a part of her, now. She wanted him to love them as much as he loved the rest of her.
She moaned and tugged at his hair when he sucked her nipple into his mouth, and gasped when he dipped his fingers inside of her before sliding them up to rub over her clit.
He lifted his head to kiss her again, and she sucked on his lips and tongue, never wanting to let go. She ran her hand along his shaft and grinned at the way he shuddered. He shifted the movement of his fingers to make her shudder in return.
They moved languorously, eking every possible moment of pleasure out each other's touch. She'd waited almost four months to be with him again-now she wanted this time to last forever.
Her heat built slowly and surely, and when she couldn't stand it anymore she shifted to pull him between her legs. She trembled and cried out in ecstasy almost as soon as he slid inside of her. The wave of pleasure lingered as he continued to thrust, only ebbing slightly before he tensed and moaned, reaching his own climax.
They lay tangled around each other, her head resting on his shoulder.
"I love you so much," he murmured.
"I love you, too."
For the first time since Ben left Pawnee, she truly believed that everything was going to be okay.
TBC
Read the final chapter here.