The Scattered Stars Effect part four
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.5K
part three
At 3:45 Himchan was already staring at the clock above his cubicle and praying the minute hand would move faster. He wanted to see his daughter and reassure himself that he hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of his life.
He trusted Jongup. Himchan kept telling himself that as the time moved closer and closer to when he could go home. He trusted Jongup and Hayoung trusted Jongup. That was all he needed. His instincts couldn’t be wrong.
“You leaving early today?” Yongguk popped his head around the wall and smiled in at him. “I think I might take off, too. Want to go grab a drink?”
“Sorry.” Himchan mumbled, his fingers tapping nervously on his desk. “I promised Hayoung I’d be home early tonight.”
Yongguk waited for him to keep the conversation going, sighing when he realized that once again Himchan wasn’t yet ready to turn sociable. “Okay. Another time then?”
Himchan nodded absentmindedly. He jumped up the second four o’clock appeared on the clock and grabbed his briefcase, running wildly towards the door. It took him three times to slide his punch card through but when the green light finally glowed success he was out the door and running towards his home as quickly as possible.
The trip home felt like an eternity and he groaned with relief when he spotted his apartment building up ahead. When he burst through the door he couldn’t even check to see if Hayoung was home safe because the exertion from sprinting home had him doubled over and gasping for breath.
“Is he going to throw up?”
Jongup shushed Hayoung and helped Himchan to the table. “Are you alright? Do you want a drink of water?”
He nodded thankfully, gulping the bottle down before he was able to lift his head. “I ran home.”
“I can see that.” Jongup laughed softly from behind him, his palms running in soothing circles across Himchan’s tight shoulders. “Were you worried we wouldn’t be here?” He didn’t sound offended, merely amused, as his fingers dug into the tight muscles.
“I trust you.” Himchan sighed into the touch and let Jongup relax him until his breathing went back to normal. “It’s just…”
Jongup’s thumb brushed across the nape of his neck. “It’s okay. I would be the same way. But no worries. We’re fine, we’ve done some painting at the bakery and Hayoung was in the middle of her homework.”
Himchan lifted his head enough to see Hayoung at the end of the table chewing on her eraser as she slowly mouthed the words on her worksheet. “I remembered halfway home that I never gave you a key so I was worried you were both stranded in the hall.”
The hands working wonders on his tired back stopped until he whined for them to keep going. “I might have picked the lock.” Jongup admitted. “Hayoung wants me to teach her now.”
He didn’t know Jongup could pick locks. That was another thing he mentally added to the small list of Jongup-isms he had been learning over the past few months. Whereas their lives were an open book, Jongup kept his own book tightly shut, only rarely offering tidbits of information to them.
“Daddy, Jongup said that if I do all of my homework and eat everything on my plate that he’ll take me to the park!” Hayoung jumped onto her seat and leaned across the table towards him. “Do you want to go with us? Please?”
“Of course I do.” He finally was calmed down enough to move away from Jongup’s magic fingers but he locked the knowledge that they worked wonders into the back of his mind for future occasions. “What’s for supper?”
---
Weeks passed with Jongup a steady staple in their lives. Eventually he even started showing up even on the weekend mornings to help with breakfast and with a list of things he was going to take them to do that day. The park, new restaurants, art classes at local libraries, cooking classes (for Himchan only, he informed him wryly), even a walking tour of historic buildings in the city.
Himchan’s refrigerator which previously housed only Hayoung’s school masterpieces was now covered in snapshots of the three of them at various places and brightly colored reminders Jongup had made because Himchan was so forgetful.
Hayoung has ballet at 4 instead of 4:30 tomorrow
We’re out of milk and cheese
Don’t forget to pick up dry cleaning after work
Hayoung + Jongap = best frends. no daddys!
He smiled every time he saw a new post-it slapped onto the top of the fridge because the more they used the more excited Hayoung became. Jongup had taught her how to make recycled art and post-it rainbows were her new favorite.
“Sometimes I wonder if you sit and think of random things to say just so she has more paper to play with.”
Jongup winked from the table where he was folding the laundry. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” He held up Hayoung’s pink bed sheets, the same ones she had been using since she was two and moved to a big girl bed. “These are getting faded. I’ll get her some new ones this weekend.” A green post-it was scribbled on and placed on the fridge alongside one reminding them the school carnival was next weekend. “We’re going to need more post-it’s.”
“Don’t even think of making a post-it just to say we need more post-it’s.” Himchan warned, blocking him from moving towards the fridge.
“But she likes it!” Jongup reached around him but Himchan grabbed his arms to hold him still. “Hayoung! Daddy’s being mean to me!”
She slid into the kitchen from her bedroom, hands clenched tight around a cluster of markers. “Don’t!” Her tiny fists beat angrily against Himchan’s legs until he snorted and let go of Jongup. “My Jongup!”
Jongup jumped behind her and picked her up to use as a shield. “Get ‘em baby.”
Himchan pretended her weak hits and kicks were painful, but was laughing too hard to be believable. “Come here, daddy’s sorry. He won’t be mean to your Jongup anymore.”
Her arms clutched at Himchan’s shirt as she dragged him closer until the three were huddled together in the middle of the kitchen. “See?” She picked up Himchan’s arm and motioned for him to move it around Jongup’s back. “Happy family.”
Himchan smiled at Jongup as his hand moved to his back, palm flat against Jongup’s thin t-shirt.
“Your turn.” Hayoung demanded, eying Jongup.
He awkwardly put an arm around Himchan’s waist, keeping his face buried in Hayoung’s hair.
Hayoung was so happy that she closed her eyes and kissed each of them on their foreheads. “I love you daddy. I love you papa.”
Jongup leaned back in shock and stared at an equally surprised Himchan. “What did you say?”
She blinked innocently at them. “I can’t call you daddy because I already have a daddy. But you’re my other daddy and Mijung said she calls her daddy papa so now I’m calling you papa, too.” She wiggled her way free and picked up her dropped markers. “I’m going to finish coloring. Come get me when it’s TV time.”
They watched her run back into her bedroom and slam the door behind her. Jongup felt like his throat was closing in and equal parts mortification and happiness coursed through his brain. “I didn’t tell her to call me that I promise.”
Himchan still had his arm around Jongup and he had to squeeze to hold the shaky man in place. “I know, I’m not mad.” He waited until Jongup was steady again and took an awkward step away. “I’ll correct her when you go home.”
He didn’t know how to say that he didn’t want her corrected but at the end of the day he wasn’t her father and that was something he needed to deal with on his own. Himchan knew what was best and if it made him uncomfortable then Jongup wanted nothing to do with it.
But he couldn’t help the ache in his chest the memory the word gave him.
---
The front door opened with a flourish and Himchan grinned at him from the other side. “Today,” He announced with a conspiring grin towards Hayoung. “We have a surprise for you.”
He took in their winter coats and mittens and rebuttoned his own coat buttons. “Where are we going?”
Hayoung grabbed his hand, pulling him down the hallway behind her. “It’s a secret! Daddy thought of it all by himself!”
Jongup looked at Himchan, smiling that the other had thought of him. “Uh-oh if it’s a daddy idea then it’s probably not a very good one.”
“Hey!” Himchan poked him hard in the ribs. “My ideas are fantastic!”
“You made us go to an old women convention. My jacket still smells like baby powder.”
Himchan winced. “My mom said there was going to be a free buffet. How was I supposed to know it was for her quilting club?”
They headed down the street towards the larger part of the city that they rarely ventured to. Jongup always told them that if they couldn’t find something to amuse themselves in their own neighborhood that it wasn’t worth the time. It was so cold out now that the trees were completely bare and frost sparkled on the graying trunks. They walked taking turns holding Hayoung and using their own body heat to keep her warmer.
“Do I get a hint?”
Hayoung shook her head. “No hints!”
Jongup wanted to let them surprise him but deep down he was nervous. He hated surprises. Not knowing what was coming made his stomach curl up into knots because he didn’t have a lot of experience with good surprises.
“Getting close.” Himchan smiled at him over the top of Hayoung’s pink knitted hat. “Two more streets.”
Quickly calculating where they were in the city, Jongup tried to remember what exactly was two streets away that they thought he would like.
“Oh no.” He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and slapped a palm over his mouth.
“What’s wrong?” Hayoung wiggled out of her father’s arms and wrapped her hands around Jongup’s clenched fist. “Are you sick?”
He nodded, the nausea creeping up his throat made the movement feel disorienting. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry Hayoung. I think I’m going to throw up.”
She tugged on his coat until he lowered his head towards her. “Let me feel your forehead. Daddy can always tell I’m sick when he does that.”
Her mitten covered hand was placed on Jongup’s head, but he was too anxious to correct her. He had to get out of here, he was too close to ruining everything.
“You feel warm.” Hayoung decided. “Daddy we have to take Jongup home and take care of him.” She pulled Jongup’s hand towards Himchan’s and pressed them together. “When I don’t feel good daddy holds my hand and it makes me feel better.”
Himchan had stayed silent through the whole exchange, his probing eyes boring deep into Jongup’s wild ones. He could tell Jongup wasn’t being truthful. “Sudden onset flu?”
Jongup pleaded silently with him to go along with it for Hayoung’s sake. “It sometimes comes on in a moment.”
“Okay.” Himchan smiled at his daughter but both of their eyes were heavy with disappointment. “Let’s get Jongup home and you can fix him some soup.”
She nodded and pushed Himchan away so she could hold Jongup’s hand. “I’ll take care of you. Do you like chicken soup? Grandma always puts tofu in mine and it’s gross.”
He pulled her hand closer to his chest and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I love chicken, it’s my favorite.”
When Himchan glanced at him with questions in his gaze, Jongup averted his eyes because he didn’t even know where to start explaining.
---
“Are you going to tell me what happened?”
Jongup stiffened at the quiet words Himchan uttered when he shut Hayoung’s door after telling her goodnight.
“Would you be mad if I didn’t?” Himchan didn’t answer and Jongup was too nervous to turn around and see the displeasure in his eyes. “I don’t like to talk about myself. And that’s a part of me that I don’t want you to ever find out about.”
He took a deep breath and waited for Himchan to blow up at him like he deserved. The gentle hand on his shoulder made him jump in surprise.
“I’ve told you that I trust you.” Himchan’s breath on his ear was warm and Jongup wanted to lean into him and spill every dirty secret and every horrible lie he’d ever told. He wanted someone to know him, really know him inside and out, and tell him he was still good. He tried so hard to be good. “You love art so much and we thought you would enjoy going to the museum. But if you don’t want to share that with us then I know you have a good reason.”
Jongup was still as the pads of Himchan’s fingers slipped across his nape and into his mess of hair. He was weeks overdue for a cut but right at this moment he was grateful he had been too lazy to find a barber because then there would be nothing for Himchan’s hand to slide through, fingers twisting in the long strands and tugging just enough to make Jongup’s stomach buzz with electricity.
“Jong-“
“Daddy?” Hayoung blinked blearily at them from the doorway, her doll dangling beside her. “I forgot to go to the bathroom before bed.”
Himchan led her to the bathroom without another word to Jongup, leaving him wondering what he could possibly have wanted to say to him.
---
The first time daddy ever broke Hayoung’s heart was when he told her Mijung couldn’t spend the night because she was a bad influence on her. It took a few weeks for her to forgive him and even now, three months later, she still growled a little every time she thought about it.
The second time was when daddy argued with grandma in the kitchen when he came to pick her up after school. Papa (because daddy couldn’t tell her what she could think in her own head) had to work at the bakery because Mr. Lee was sick so grandma was the one waiting for her after school. She didn’t like going to grandma’s as much as she liked coming home with papa. They read books and did fun art projects together and sometimes he even let her braid his hair. His hair wasn’t as pretty as daddy’s was, but it was longer and he sat still better than daddy did.
“Stupid Mr. Lee.” She mumbled, slashing a thick black X through her drawing she had brought home from school. If they wanted to send her to smelly old grandma’s house then she wasn’t going to give them the drawing of the puppy she wanted for her birthday. Now they were going to have to pick one out themselves and it would be more work and she probably wouldn’t even like it.
“I don’t care mother I’m not going t-“
“Well no one asked you.”
“She doesn’t need anything that Jongup and I aren’t giv-.”
Hayoung cocked her head to the side and listened to daddy’s voice as it got louder and louder in the kitchen. He sounded as mad as she felt about coming to grandma’s.
She wasn’t supposed to spy. Daddy had told her it was rude and she might hear things she wasn’t old enough to understand. Hayoung bit her lip as she tried to decide if getting in trouble was worth whatever they were yelling about.
“It’s time to find someone else, Himchan. It’s been almost four years since-“
Daddy sounded like he was hissing when he interrupted her. Interrupting was another thing he told her to work on. “I know exactly how long it’s been. And we’re doing fine. Hayoung’s teacher says she’s one of the smartest kids in her class and she’s happier than she’s ever been. A mother won’t change any of that.”
This time Hayoung’s ears pricked up and she dropped her paper and crayons to the floor to run to the bedroom door. She peeked through the crack and saw daddy standing by the sink with his arms crossed and grandma frowning angrily at him from the other side of the table. They never talked about mommy when she could hear them.
“She’s almost six and she needs two parents. A father and a mother. You’ve always done your best by her but you can’t tell me a woman in the house wouldn’t make your lives easier.” Grandma looked like she was going to cry and Hayoung felt bed for all the mean things she had thought about her after school. It wasn’t her fault she was smelly. Mijung said her grandma was stinky, too. It must just be a grandma thing.
Daddy’s eyebrows were pulled together as he stared at her. “Of course Hayoung needs someone more stable in her life. Someone who’s there when she gets home and cooks her supper and puts her to bed every night. And she has that. Jongup gives her all of that and they adore each other.”
Papa also had eyes that sparkled like a prince and when he smiled at daddy they lit up all pretty and happy. Hayoung was pretty sure he liked daddy more than her but she wasn’t mad about it. She wanted someone to love daddy as much as she did.
“That’s not the same and you and I both know it. That man is not her mother and he never could be.” Grandma closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “I like Jongup. He’s very sweet with Hayoung and I know he would do anything for her. But what happens when he moves on, Himchan? What happens when he wants to start his own family? Who will be there to pick up the pieces?”
This time daddy looked sad and Hayoung could feel her heart beating so fast inside of her and her eyes started to blink because they felt wet and heavy. He wouldn’t leave them, he promised, he had sworn to her with a hand on top of her favorite doll that he would never ever go away like mommy did.
“How old is she?”
Grandma smiled at him. “She’s twenty-seven. A little older than you but she’s been in America for a few years and was too busy with school and work to date anyone. Her mother’s in my quilting club and showed me pictures.”
Hayoung’s chin trembled. “Don’t do it, don’t do it.” She whispered through the crack. If daddy found her a new mommy then they’d never see papa again. “Please, please, please.”
When Himchan sighed and took the folded piece of paper grandma handed him Hayoung’s heart felt like it was breaking right in half and bleeding into her belly. Every breath was like sharp needles inside of her throat. This was worse than when Mijung couldn’t spend the night. That only made her mad this but made her want to die just to make daddy feel bad. Then he’d know he was stupid, they were all so stupid.
She had to go tell papa what grandma and daddy were doing. He’d stop this because he loved them more than anyone else did. He wouldn’t let daddy marry some ugly old lady.
The lock on the window was tight but Hayoung pulled and pulled until it creaked open and the cold air from outside crept into the bedroom. Her shoes and coat were still out in the kitchen and they’d ask her why she needed them if she snuck in there to get them. She looked down at her thin tights and told herself that she had to do this. For papa.
The crack she had made was barely big enough to fit through and she scraped her knee across the window frame when she crawled out. A tear in her tights showed tiny drops of blood forming which was really scary but if she didn’t look at it then it was okay.
As she climbed down the slippery metal steps she felt frightened but Jongup had taught her a song to sing when she needed to be brave.
“In a small white boat, in the blue sky.”
The street she came out on was backwards from where they usually left. Should she turn left or right?
“Are a cinnamon tree and a rabbit.”
What if papa was mad at her for coming? He’d probably call daddy and they would both yell at her.
“Without sail and without oar, yet gliding.”
An old man sitting across from her on the bus bench yelled at her to stop and wanted to know where her parents were but she was too fast for him. Mijung always told her she was such a fast runner that she could circle the entire planet in six minutes and twenty-three seconds. No one could catch her. Not until she told papa the horrible news and he made the hurting in her heart go away and he rubbed her feet until they didn’t feel so numb and cold anymore.
“Gliding smoothly to a western shore.”
part five
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.5K
part three
At 3:45 Himchan was already staring at the clock above his cubicle and praying the minute hand would move faster. He wanted to see his daughter and reassure himself that he hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of his life.
He trusted Jongup. Himchan kept telling himself that as the time moved closer and closer to when he could go home. He trusted Jongup and Hayoung trusted Jongup. That was all he needed. His instincts couldn’t be wrong.
“You leaving early today?” Yongguk popped his head around the wall and smiled in at him. “I think I might take off, too. Want to go grab a drink?”
“Sorry.” Himchan mumbled, his fingers tapping nervously on his desk. “I promised Hayoung I’d be home early tonight.”
Yongguk waited for him to keep the conversation going, sighing when he realized that once again Himchan wasn’t yet ready to turn sociable. “Okay. Another time then?”
Himchan nodded absentmindedly. He jumped up the second four o’clock appeared on the clock and grabbed his briefcase, running wildly towards the door. It took him three times to slide his punch card through but when the green light finally glowed success he was out the door and running towards his home as quickly as possible.
The trip home felt like an eternity and he groaned with relief when he spotted his apartment building up ahead. When he burst through the door he couldn’t even check to see if Hayoung was home safe because the exertion from sprinting home had him doubled over and gasping for breath.
“Is he going to throw up?”
Jongup shushed Hayoung and helped Himchan to the table. “Are you alright? Do you want a drink of water?”
He nodded thankfully, gulping the bottle down before he was able to lift his head. “I ran home.”
“I can see that.” Jongup laughed softly from behind him, his palms running in soothing circles across Himchan’s tight shoulders. “Were you worried we wouldn’t be here?” He didn’t sound offended, merely amused, as his fingers dug into the tight muscles.
“I trust you.” Himchan sighed into the touch and let Jongup relax him until his breathing went back to normal. “It’s just…”
Jongup’s thumb brushed across the nape of his neck. “It’s okay. I would be the same way. But no worries. We’re fine, we’ve done some painting at the bakery and Hayoung was in the middle of her homework.”
Himchan lifted his head enough to see Hayoung at the end of the table chewing on her eraser as she slowly mouthed the words on her worksheet. “I remembered halfway home that I never gave you a key so I was worried you were both stranded in the hall.”
The hands working wonders on his tired back stopped until he whined for them to keep going. “I might have picked the lock.” Jongup admitted. “Hayoung wants me to teach her now.”
He didn’t know Jongup could pick locks. That was another thing he mentally added to the small list of Jongup-isms he had been learning over the past few months. Whereas their lives were an open book, Jongup kept his own book tightly shut, only rarely offering tidbits of information to them.
“Daddy, Jongup said that if I do all of my homework and eat everything on my plate that he’ll take me to the park!” Hayoung jumped onto her seat and leaned across the table towards him. “Do you want to go with us? Please?”
“Of course I do.” He finally was calmed down enough to move away from Jongup’s magic fingers but he locked the knowledge that they worked wonders into the back of his mind for future occasions. “What’s for supper?”
---
Weeks passed with Jongup a steady staple in their lives. Eventually he even started showing up even on the weekend mornings to help with breakfast and with a list of things he was going to take them to do that day. The park, new restaurants, art classes at local libraries, cooking classes (for Himchan only, he informed him wryly), even a walking tour of historic buildings in the city.
Himchan’s refrigerator which previously housed only Hayoung’s school masterpieces was now covered in snapshots of the three of them at various places and brightly colored reminders Jongup had made because Himchan was so forgetful.
Hayoung has ballet at 4 instead of 4:30 tomorrow
We’re out of milk and cheese
Don’t forget to pick up dry cleaning after work
Hayoung + Jongap = best frends. no daddys!
He smiled every time he saw a new post-it slapped onto the top of the fridge because the more they used the more excited Hayoung became. Jongup had taught her how to make recycled art and post-it rainbows were her new favorite.
“Sometimes I wonder if you sit and think of random things to say just so she has more paper to play with.”
Jongup winked from the table where he was folding the laundry. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” He held up Hayoung’s pink bed sheets, the same ones she had been using since she was two and moved to a big girl bed. “These are getting faded. I’ll get her some new ones this weekend.” A green post-it was scribbled on and placed on the fridge alongside one reminding them the school carnival was next weekend. “We’re going to need more post-it’s.”
“Don’t even think of making a post-it just to say we need more post-it’s.” Himchan warned, blocking him from moving towards the fridge.
“But she likes it!” Jongup reached around him but Himchan grabbed his arms to hold him still. “Hayoung! Daddy’s being mean to me!”
She slid into the kitchen from her bedroom, hands clenched tight around a cluster of markers. “Don’t!” Her tiny fists beat angrily against Himchan’s legs until he snorted and let go of Jongup. “My Jongup!”
Jongup jumped behind her and picked her up to use as a shield. “Get ‘em baby.”
Himchan pretended her weak hits and kicks were painful, but was laughing too hard to be believable. “Come here, daddy’s sorry. He won’t be mean to your Jongup anymore.”
Her arms clutched at Himchan’s shirt as she dragged him closer until the three were huddled together in the middle of the kitchen. “See?” She picked up Himchan’s arm and motioned for him to move it around Jongup’s back. “Happy family.”
Himchan smiled at Jongup as his hand moved to his back, palm flat against Jongup’s thin t-shirt.
“Your turn.” Hayoung demanded, eying Jongup.
He awkwardly put an arm around Himchan’s waist, keeping his face buried in Hayoung’s hair.
Hayoung was so happy that she closed her eyes and kissed each of them on their foreheads. “I love you daddy. I love you papa.”
Jongup leaned back in shock and stared at an equally surprised Himchan. “What did you say?”
She blinked innocently at them. “I can’t call you daddy because I already have a daddy. But you’re my other daddy and Mijung said she calls her daddy papa so now I’m calling you papa, too.” She wiggled her way free and picked up her dropped markers. “I’m going to finish coloring. Come get me when it’s TV time.”
They watched her run back into her bedroom and slam the door behind her. Jongup felt like his throat was closing in and equal parts mortification and happiness coursed through his brain. “I didn’t tell her to call me that I promise.”
Himchan still had his arm around Jongup and he had to squeeze to hold the shaky man in place. “I know, I’m not mad.” He waited until Jongup was steady again and took an awkward step away. “I’ll correct her when you go home.”
He didn’t know how to say that he didn’t want her corrected but at the end of the day he wasn’t her father and that was something he needed to deal with on his own. Himchan knew what was best and if it made him uncomfortable then Jongup wanted nothing to do with it.
But he couldn’t help the ache in his chest the memory the word gave him.
---
The front door opened with a flourish and Himchan grinned at him from the other side. “Today,” He announced with a conspiring grin towards Hayoung. “We have a surprise for you.”
He took in their winter coats and mittens and rebuttoned his own coat buttons. “Where are we going?”
Hayoung grabbed his hand, pulling him down the hallway behind her. “It’s a secret! Daddy thought of it all by himself!”
Jongup looked at Himchan, smiling that the other had thought of him. “Uh-oh if it’s a daddy idea then it’s probably not a very good one.”
“Hey!” Himchan poked him hard in the ribs. “My ideas are fantastic!”
“You made us go to an old women convention. My jacket still smells like baby powder.”
Himchan winced. “My mom said there was going to be a free buffet. How was I supposed to know it was for her quilting club?”
They headed down the street towards the larger part of the city that they rarely ventured to. Jongup always told them that if they couldn’t find something to amuse themselves in their own neighborhood that it wasn’t worth the time. It was so cold out now that the trees were completely bare and frost sparkled on the graying trunks. They walked taking turns holding Hayoung and using their own body heat to keep her warmer.
“Do I get a hint?”
Hayoung shook her head. “No hints!”
Jongup wanted to let them surprise him but deep down he was nervous. He hated surprises. Not knowing what was coming made his stomach curl up into knots because he didn’t have a lot of experience with good surprises.
“Getting close.” Himchan smiled at him over the top of Hayoung’s pink knitted hat. “Two more streets.”
Quickly calculating where they were in the city, Jongup tried to remember what exactly was two streets away that they thought he would like.
“Oh no.” He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and slapped a palm over his mouth.
“What’s wrong?” Hayoung wiggled out of her father’s arms and wrapped her hands around Jongup’s clenched fist. “Are you sick?”
He nodded, the nausea creeping up his throat made the movement feel disorienting. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry Hayoung. I think I’m going to throw up.”
She tugged on his coat until he lowered his head towards her. “Let me feel your forehead. Daddy can always tell I’m sick when he does that.”
Her mitten covered hand was placed on Jongup’s head, but he was too anxious to correct her. He had to get out of here, he was too close to ruining everything.
“You feel warm.” Hayoung decided. “Daddy we have to take Jongup home and take care of him.” She pulled Jongup’s hand towards Himchan’s and pressed them together. “When I don’t feel good daddy holds my hand and it makes me feel better.”
Himchan had stayed silent through the whole exchange, his probing eyes boring deep into Jongup’s wild ones. He could tell Jongup wasn’t being truthful. “Sudden onset flu?”
Jongup pleaded silently with him to go along with it for Hayoung’s sake. “It sometimes comes on in a moment.”
“Okay.” Himchan smiled at his daughter but both of their eyes were heavy with disappointment. “Let’s get Jongup home and you can fix him some soup.”
She nodded and pushed Himchan away so she could hold Jongup’s hand. “I’ll take care of you. Do you like chicken soup? Grandma always puts tofu in mine and it’s gross.”
He pulled her hand closer to his chest and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I love chicken, it’s my favorite.”
When Himchan glanced at him with questions in his gaze, Jongup averted his eyes because he didn’t even know where to start explaining.
---
“Are you going to tell me what happened?”
Jongup stiffened at the quiet words Himchan uttered when he shut Hayoung’s door after telling her goodnight.
“Would you be mad if I didn’t?” Himchan didn’t answer and Jongup was too nervous to turn around and see the displeasure in his eyes. “I don’t like to talk about myself. And that’s a part of me that I don’t want you to ever find out about.”
He took a deep breath and waited for Himchan to blow up at him like he deserved. The gentle hand on his shoulder made him jump in surprise.
“I’ve told you that I trust you.” Himchan’s breath on his ear was warm and Jongup wanted to lean into him and spill every dirty secret and every horrible lie he’d ever told. He wanted someone to know him, really know him inside and out, and tell him he was still good. He tried so hard to be good. “You love art so much and we thought you would enjoy going to the museum. But if you don’t want to share that with us then I know you have a good reason.”
Jongup was still as the pads of Himchan’s fingers slipped across his nape and into his mess of hair. He was weeks overdue for a cut but right at this moment he was grateful he had been too lazy to find a barber because then there would be nothing for Himchan’s hand to slide through, fingers twisting in the long strands and tugging just enough to make Jongup’s stomach buzz with electricity.
“Jong-“
“Daddy?” Hayoung blinked blearily at them from the doorway, her doll dangling beside her. “I forgot to go to the bathroom before bed.”
Himchan led her to the bathroom without another word to Jongup, leaving him wondering what he could possibly have wanted to say to him.
---
The first time daddy ever broke Hayoung’s heart was when he told her Mijung couldn’t spend the night because she was a bad influence on her. It took a few weeks for her to forgive him and even now, three months later, she still growled a little every time she thought about it.
The second time was when daddy argued with grandma in the kitchen when he came to pick her up after school. Papa (because daddy couldn’t tell her what she could think in her own head) had to work at the bakery because Mr. Lee was sick so grandma was the one waiting for her after school. She didn’t like going to grandma’s as much as she liked coming home with papa. They read books and did fun art projects together and sometimes he even let her braid his hair. His hair wasn’t as pretty as daddy’s was, but it was longer and he sat still better than daddy did.
“Stupid Mr. Lee.” She mumbled, slashing a thick black X through her drawing she had brought home from school. If they wanted to send her to smelly old grandma’s house then she wasn’t going to give them the drawing of the puppy she wanted for her birthday. Now they were going to have to pick one out themselves and it would be more work and she probably wouldn’t even like it.
“I don’t care mother I’m not going t-“
“Well no one asked you.”
“She doesn’t need anything that Jongup and I aren’t giv-.”
Hayoung cocked her head to the side and listened to daddy’s voice as it got louder and louder in the kitchen. He sounded as mad as she felt about coming to grandma’s.
She wasn’t supposed to spy. Daddy had told her it was rude and she might hear things she wasn’t old enough to understand. Hayoung bit her lip as she tried to decide if getting in trouble was worth whatever they were yelling about.
“It’s time to find someone else, Himchan. It’s been almost four years since-“
Daddy sounded like he was hissing when he interrupted her. Interrupting was another thing he told her to work on. “I know exactly how long it’s been. And we’re doing fine. Hayoung’s teacher says she’s one of the smartest kids in her class and she’s happier than she’s ever been. A mother won’t change any of that.”
This time Hayoung’s ears pricked up and she dropped her paper and crayons to the floor to run to the bedroom door. She peeked through the crack and saw daddy standing by the sink with his arms crossed and grandma frowning angrily at him from the other side of the table. They never talked about mommy when she could hear them.
“She’s almost six and she needs two parents. A father and a mother. You’ve always done your best by her but you can’t tell me a woman in the house wouldn’t make your lives easier.” Grandma looked like she was going to cry and Hayoung felt bed for all the mean things she had thought about her after school. It wasn’t her fault she was smelly. Mijung said her grandma was stinky, too. It must just be a grandma thing.
Daddy’s eyebrows were pulled together as he stared at her. “Of course Hayoung needs someone more stable in her life. Someone who’s there when she gets home and cooks her supper and puts her to bed every night. And she has that. Jongup gives her all of that and they adore each other.”
Papa also had eyes that sparkled like a prince and when he smiled at daddy they lit up all pretty and happy. Hayoung was pretty sure he liked daddy more than her but she wasn’t mad about it. She wanted someone to love daddy as much as she did.
“That’s not the same and you and I both know it. That man is not her mother and he never could be.” Grandma closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “I like Jongup. He’s very sweet with Hayoung and I know he would do anything for her. But what happens when he moves on, Himchan? What happens when he wants to start his own family? Who will be there to pick up the pieces?”
This time daddy looked sad and Hayoung could feel her heart beating so fast inside of her and her eyes started to blink because they felt wet and heavy. He wouldn’t leave them, he promised, he had sworn to her with a hand on top of her favorite doll that he would never ever go away like mommy did.
“How old is she?”
Grandma smiled at him. “She’s twenty-seven. A little older than you but she’s been in America for a few years and was too busy with school and work to date anyone. Her mother’s in my quilting club and showed me pictures.”
Hayoung’s chin trembled. “Don’t do it, don’t do it.” She whispered through the crack. If daddy found her a new mommy then they’d never see papa again. “Please, please, please.”
When Himchan sighed and took the folded piece of paper grandma handed him Hayoung’s heart felt like it was breaking right in half and bleeding into her belly. Every breath was like sharp needles inside of her throat. This was worse than when Mijung couldn’t spend the night. That only made her mad this but made her want to die just to make daddy feel bad. Then he’d know he was stupid, they were all so stupid.
She had to go tell papa what grandma and daddy were doing. He’d stop this because he loved them more than anyone else did. He wouldn’t let daddy marry some ugly old lady.
The lock on the window was tight but Hayoung pulled and pulled until it creaked open and the cold air from outside crept into the bedroom. Her shoes and coat were still out in the kitchen and they’d ask her why she needed them if she snuck in there to get them. She looked down at her thin tights and told herself that she had to do this. For papa.
The crack she had made was barely big enough to fit through and she scraped her knee across the window frame when she crawled out. A tear in her tights showed tiny drops of blood forming which was really scary but if she didn’t look at it then it was okay.
As she climbed down the slippery metal steps she felt frightened but Jongup had taught her a song to sing when she needed to be brave.
“In a small white boat, in the blue sky.”
The street she came out on was backwards from where they usually left. Should she turn left or right?
“Are a cinnamon tree and a rabbit.”
What if papa was mad at her for coming? He’d probably call daddy and they would both yell at her.
“Without sail and without oar, yet gliding.”
An old man sitting across from her on the bus bench yelled at her to stop and wanted to know where her parents were but she was too fast for him. Mijung always told her she was such a fast runner that she could circle the entire planet in six minutes and twenty-three seconds. No one could catch her. Not until she told papa the horrible news and he made the hurting in her heart go away and he rubbed her feet until they didn’t feel so numb and cold anymore.
“Gliding smoothly to a western shore.”
part five