When We Were Kings (Part Two: With No Need to Call Home)
Part One
Pairing: HimUp, HimLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 3k
If you find yourself alone, with no need to call home
Will you come back
- (X)
The invitation was thrown into the trash for all of twenty minutes before Himchan decided that burning it would be better. He watched the edges of the paper curl and flame as it disappeared. It felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders when it was finally, blessedly, gone.
He didn't even need to drink that night to fall asleep. The TV on in the background and a warm blanket were all he needed and for a rare night he dreamed of Jongup from before. Before Jongup had truly pitied him.
---
It had been months since Jongup had found the bag of crushed pills in his pocket and Himchan thought the matter had finally been put to rest. Jongup still looked at him curiously from time to time but Himchan had gotten so good at hiding his problem from the rest of the band and knew there was no way Jongup could know what was really going on. They'd gone back to normal, with Himchan relentlessly seeking him out and Jongup smiling bashfully but secretly reaching for his hand when no one was around.
Just being in the same room as him made Himchan instantly calm and relax on days when it was too hard to pretend he was the same old Himchan. Jongup truly was his favorite, even if he always said it teasingly. They were best friends and it was only natural that when everyone decided to switch roommates they gravitated towards each other.
"He snores," Yongguk informed him dryly as Jongup started unloading his duffel bag into the dresser. "And he's up half the night with the lamp on."
"I'll just take the lightbulb out," Jongup replied back with a smile. "And I snore, too, so it's okay."
Himchan stood in the corner and watched Jongup as he tucked his sheets around his new bed. A part of him was grateful and ecstatic that he would get to see more of Jongup. A huge part actually. About 95% of him. But the other 5% worried that keeping his secret hidden would be a lot harder with the one person who suspected him lying across the room all night. He would just have to learn to be sneakier.
"I'm going to go brush my teeth," Jongup turned and looked over his shoulder at him, long hair falling across his eyes. Himchan's breath caught and all he could do was nod. "I’m glad I'm finally with you, Himchannie."
After Jongup finished getting ready he placed himself on the bed beside Himchan and laid a cheek on his shoulder.
"Goodnight Jongup," Himchan knew Jongup was looking for the same measure of affection back but he didn't think he had it in him right now to do it. For as much as Jongup shied away from it in public, when they were alone he was constantly reaching for Himchan or sitting so close beside him that their legs were flat together.
"Things will get better now, right?" Jongup lifted his head, eyelashes fluttering against Himchan's cheek. His breath was warm against the sensitive skin of Himchan's neck. "Now that I'm here? You'll be better?"
The realization that maybe he hadn't been hiding things as well as he'd thought came as a shock. He had been so sure that no one knew.
"I'm fine, Jongup." He didn't want to, he knew it was a bad idea, but his arm slipped around the thin waist next to him. Jongup always wore the rattiest t-shirts to bed. Old ones that he'd had for years and were so worn out they were as thin as paper. His skin was warm through the material and Himchan could feel the smile curling up on his own flushed neck. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you. Don't worry about me."
"You're my favorite, too." The quiet words filled the room. For all the times Himchan had said the same words to him, Jongup had never spoken them in return.
Jongup's lips brushed so lightly against the corner of Himchan's jaw that he couldn't be positive later if it had actually happened. Before he could even form a response Jongup had already moved back into his own bed and turned his face to the wall.
Waiting for the tiny snores to come from across the room felt like it took hours and Himchan was on edge ages before they finally came. He kept his pills safe inside the cheap teddy bear Youngjae had won him at a carnival the year before. With a slit cut discreetly under his tail there was no way anyone would find them and it only took a few practiced seconds before Himchan had one out and under his tongue. No time for a drink of water. He swallowed it dry and let out a deep sigh of satisfaction when he felt the first tingle of relief.
When he dreamed he imagined Jongup's lips harder on his skin, his name breaking the relentless calm tone Jongup always used.
---
It took him a few years to figure out the exact right cocktail of drugs that would give him a moderate high (which was great for work or running errands), a damn good high (for weekends or days off) and the kind of high that he wanted when he wanted to forget everything and everyone and cease being Kim Himchan, former member of B.A.P, for a while. He called that one his Jongup High.
After that night, the one he didn't like to think about, his mom and dad had forced him into a hospital's rehab group. He stayed for six weeks and four days, completely sober and miserable, before he signed himself out and used his savings to rent an apartment so far out of Seoul that it felt like a different world. His parents finally gave up trying to reason with him after his mom showed up on his doorstep after a particularly rough run. When Himchan answered the door with bloodshot eyes, shaky hands and smelling like trash that had been set out in the hot sun all day, she shook her head and walked away. That was three years ago and he wondered if they ever spoke of him or if he was just a distant memory. That random boy in family reunion photos that no one can remember the name of.
That was when Junhong started showing up. At first it was regularly, a scheduled phone call every week and once a month they would meet for coffee. Himchan tried to always stay sober for those visits because he had a feeling Junhong was reporting back to his family and he wanted them to think they had over exaggerated his problems. But then Junhong started showing up randomly at his apartment. He also got to witness a Jongup High, a morning that Himchan wasn't particularly proud of. It had been Jongup's birthday and when he had seen the date on the calendar it broke him for three solid days. That was the first time he had lost a job.
When Junhong looked down at him, disgust and anger in his eyes, Himchan had become enraged. How dare any of them act like they had a right interfering in his life? This was his body to do with however he wanted and before he'd slammed the door in Junhong's face he'd gotten one good punch in. One hard hit in the jaw to show him he was tired of being babysat.
After that Junhong stopped coming by or calling for months. Himchan realized, after he'd come down from the buzz and sobered up a bit, that he was wrong of course. But it took four months for him to finally call and apologize. Junhong accepted his apology, cool and serene on the phone, but he still didn't come back for early morning coffee and donut visits like he used to.
Himchan figured it was just one more link to his past that he was slowly corroding away. The chain tethering him to the Earth was growing weaker with each passing week.
So when he came home from work three and a half weeks after receiving the wedding invitation, he was surprised and a tiny bit pleased when he saw Junhong sitting on the bench outside his apartment building.
"Junhong?" He jumped as if he didn't expect Himchan to actually acknowledge him. "What are you doing here?"
It had been eight months since he'd seen him last and that meeting had been planned and prepared for. Himchan tugged nervously at his uniform top and hoped the soup he had eaten for lunch hadn't splashed across the material without his knowing.
Junhong studied him for a second before he answered. His eyes slid down Himchan's ever-sinking frame and paused at the hips that could barely hold his pants up anymore without squeezing the belt to the smallest holes.
"Youngjae asked me to come."
He froze, keys halfway out of his pocket.
"Why aren't you going to his wedding?" Junhong took the keys out of his hand and pushed open the doors into the building. Obviously he planned on staying for a bit. "You RSVP'd no. Do you have to work? Surely they can let you off for one day."
Himchan didn't answer. He robotically followed his former friend through the lobby and up the stairs to the second floor where he lived. Junhong unlocked the door and made himself at home in the kitchen, unloading the shopping bag he had been carrying that Himchan hadn't paid attention to.
"I didn't want to show up and you feel like you had to cook for me," Junhong searched through the cabinets for the pots and pans. He pulled out a skillet and discreetly wiped it on his shirt. "I hope you still like bibimbap. I'm starving so I brought enough to make extra."
A lie and they both knew it. He brought extra so he could leave it with Himchan and play it off like it wasn't charity.
"I know it was just a pity invite," Himchan reached around him to grab two plates. "No one wants me there and that's fine. I’m okay with it."
"Youngjae asked me for your address. Of course he wants you there." Junhong poured rice into the cooker and turned it on. "We all want you there, Himchan. You're the one who moved three hours away and changed your phone number. Do you know how many times I had to beg your parents to give it to me?" Junhong's back was to him so Himchan couldn’t see his face but he figured it wasn't pretty by the way his shoulders were drawn up and his voice was snappy.
Himchan ran a finger around the lip of the plate. The fight had left him years ago and he didn't want to argue anymore. "Tell Youngjae thank you for the invite and I'm sorry I can't make it but-"
"They all know the truth," Junhong dropped his shoulders as he slowly spun around to look at him. "Is that why you don't want to see anyone? Because of what happened between us? They all know it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I told them everything when I got out of the hospital."
He hadn't known that. It didn't change anything of course. It actually made him feel even worse because it meant they had all known he wasn't the one responsible for Junhong's breakdown and they still had tried their hardest to forget about him. Even Jongup.
"You look good today," Junhong had moved towards him without him knowing and his hands were reaching for Himchan's shoulders. "Way too skinny and tired looking, but your eyes are clear. Are you doing better?" He stroked a hand through Himchan's greasy hair and pushed it away from his face.
"I'm addicted to prescription pain pills not cocaine," He batted the hands away, still not comfortable with being touched by anyone. "I'm not going to lose my teeth or age ten years overnight," Sometimes speaking the blunt truth made the people around him flinch and he always loved it. Why should he shy away from something he had to live with every second of every day? "You can't tell when I'm using or when I'm just tired and right now I’m just exhausted and annoyed."
Junhong stepped away with a sigh. He knew better than to argue with him anymore. They been going around in circles for years and Himchan thought today might finally be the day they finally had it out.
The dinner Junhong cooked was delicious and as the first home-cooked meal Himchan had eaten in months he ate three giant helpings. Junhong kept pushing more and more into his plate until Himchan pushed it away with a groan.
"You need to eat more," Junhong didn't say it admonishingly but Himchan was so on edge that everything the other man said raised his hackles up. He was expecting the explosion that was sure to come. Junhong didn't come all this way just to feed him. "You're almost skinnier than Guk was. Remember how worried about him we all were? Imagine if they could see how you're skin and bones now."
"Then I guess it's a good thing none of them will see me."
The skillet Junhong had been taking back to the sink was suddenly slammed down onto the dirty linoleum. There was a loud crack and Himchan counted that as part of his deposit he'll never get back. Junhong was always taller than him but right now with the raw anger in his eyes he looked terrifying as he stared Himchan down.
"Are you just trying to kill yourself, Himchan? Is that what you want? Because I gotta tell you, there are a lot easier ways of doing it than this slow miserable shit. Do you enjoy torturing your family? Making all of us nervous wrecks?" Junhong leaned down to pick the skillet up and dropped it loudly into the sink. "Did you know Daehyun had to go to therapy for two years after the band broke up? Or that Yongguk was so upset after you disappeared that he hired a detective to find you? Remember when you said you didn't know how your mother ended up on your doorstep and I said maybe the doctor told her? Well news flash. I lied. It was Yongguk. He cared enough about you to make sure you were still alive and I hope that makes you feel like absolute shit. We all love you and you don't even care."
"Junhong, I-"
"You broke his heart you know."
Himchan frowned, not understanding what Junhong meant. "What? Yongguk?"
"You slept with him and said you loved him and then you and I…" Junhong swallowed hard, his eyes trained onto the floor below him. The things that had happened that night were so long ago but had been locked up so tight inside both of them that it felt like just seconds earlier. "He isn't angry at me. Not as much. It took a long time for us to be friends again. But I can feel how he looks at me still though. Still blaming me for losing you and ruining everything even if he pretends he's over it."
Junhong took a ragged breath and ran a trembling hand over his face. He purposefully stepped as far around Himchan as he could and grabbed his coat from the back of the couch. An envelope, identical to the one Himchan had received a few weeks earlier was pulled from the inside pocket and placed carefully onto the coffee table.
Without another word he slipped through the doorway and the apartment was once again empty except for Himchan and his demons.
---
He wondered when Jongup had told Junhong what had happened between them. Was it immediately after he disappeared or did it take years and more effort than he could imagine? Their friendship was always so important to both of them and in one horrible, awful night it had been snapped into pieces because of him. What they had done had not been something special or something either of them really wanted. It was Junhong's fault, all of it, he had just been too tired to stop him
Guilt flickered through him for a split second as he imagined what Junhong had felt like when Jongup told them what had been going on in secret behind their bedroom door. It passed quickly though. Junhong had broken his kitchen floor, after all.
The new invitation was now stuck to the fridge in the same spot the last one had been.
Please respond by February 25. We look forward to seeing you!
He didn’t want to see any of them ever again.
He was desperate to see them again.
He wanted life back the way it used to be.
He knew things could never be the same.
You're my family, Youngjae had scrawled underneath the RSVP choices. Please come.
The tears threatening to leak out of the corners of his eyes were because he was tired, too tired to deal with anything else tonight.
The words on the paper started to swim together the longer he stared.
I am unable to attend. I will be in attendance.
He tried the counting trick and got to four hundred and forty-three before he gave up.
In the end the only thing that convinced him to lift his heavy arm and carefully place an X on the paper was Jongup's face. The destroyed look in his eyes as he opened the door and saw them together, Junhong's head between his legs, his fist pressed tight against his mouth as he tightened the other hand inside Junhong's knotted hair. But Jongup had missed the way his fist hid the words being mouthed against sweaty skin. Jongup, he'd breathed over and over until Yongguk's scream of anger had broken him out of the reverie.
The last thing he remembered before Yongguk's punch had sent him careening into blackness was how utterly defeated Jongup's eyes had looked.
He hadn't seen him since that night, since he was handcuffed and led out of the dorm by a police officer's painful grip on his shoulder.
I will be in attendance.
It was time for apologies.
Part Three
Pairing: HimUp, HimLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 3k
If you find yourself alone, with no need to call home
Will you come back
- (X)
The invitation was thrown into the trash for all of twenty minutes before Himchan decided that burning it would be better. He watched the edges of the paper curl and flame as it disappeared. It felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders when it was finally, blessedly, gone.
He didn't even need to drink that night to fall asleep. The TV on in the background and a warm blanket were all he needed and for a rare night he dreamed of Jongup from before. Before Jongup had truly pitied him.
---
It had been months since Jongup had found the bag of crushed pills in his pocket and Himchan thought the matter had finally been put to rest. Jongup still looked at him curiously from time to time but Himchan had gotten so good at hiding his problem from the rest of the band and knew there was no way Jongup could know what was really going on. They'd gone back to normal, with Himchan relentlessly seeking him out and Jongup smiling bashfully but secretly reaching for his hand when no one was around.
Just being in the same room as him made Himchan instantly calm and relax on days when it was too hard to pretend he was the same old Himchan. Jongup truly was his favorite, even if he always said it teasingly. They were best friends and it was only natural that when everyone decided to switch roommates they gravitated towards each other.
"He snores," Yongguk informed him dryly as Jongup started unloading his duffel bag into the dresser. "And he's up half the night with the lamp on."
"I'll just take the lightbulb out," Jongup replied back with a smile. "And I snore, too, so it's okay."
Himchan stood in the corner and watched Jongup as he tucked his sheets around his new bed. A part of him was grateful and ecstatic that he would get to see more of Jongup. A huge part actually. About 95% of him. But the other 5% worried that keeping his secret hidden would be a lot harder with the one person who suspected him lying across the room all night. He would just have to learn to be sneakier.
"I'm going to go brush my teeth," Jongup turned and looked over his shoulder at him, long hair falling across his eyes. Himchan's breath caught and all he could do was nod. "I’m glad I'm finally with you, Himchannie."
After Jongup finished getting ready he placed himself on the bed beside Himchan and laid a cheek on his shoulder.
"Goodnight Jongup," Himchan knew Jongup was looking for the same measure of affection back but he didn't think he had it in him right now to do it. For as much as Jongup shied away from it in public, when they were alone he was constantly reaching for Himchan or sitting so close beside him that their legs were flat together.
"Things will get better now, right?" Jongup lifted his head, eyelashes fluttering against Himchan's cheek. His breath was warm against the sensitive skin of Himchan's neck. "Now that I'm here? You'll be better?"
The realization that maybe he hadn't been hiding things as well as he'd thought came as a shock. He had been so sure that no one knew.
"I'm fine, Jongup." He didn't want to, he knew it was a bad idea, but his arm slipped around the thin waist next to him. Jongup always wore the rattiest t-shirts to bed. Old ones that he'd had for years and were so worn out they were as thin as paper. His skin was warm through the material and Himchan could feel the smile curling up on his own flushed neck. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you. Don't worry about me."
"You're my favorite, too." The quiet words filled the room. For all the times Himchan had said the same words to him, Jongup had never spoken them in return.
Jongup's lips brushed so lightly against the corner of Himchan's jaw that he couldn't be positive later if it had actually happened. Before he could even form a response Jongup had already moved back into his own bed and turned his face to the wall.
Waiting for the tiny snores to come from across the room felt like it took hours and Himchan was on edge ages before they finally came. He kept his pills safe inside the cheap teddy bear Youngjae had won him at a carnival the year before. With a slit cut discreetly under his tail there was no way anyone would find them and it only took a few practiced seconds before Himchan had one out and under his tongue. No time for a drink of water. He swallowed it dry and let out a deep sigh of satisfaction when he felt the first tingle of relief.
When he dreamed he imagined Jongup's lips harder on his skin, his name breaking the relentless calm tone Jongup always used.
---
It took him a few years to figure out the exact right cocktail of drugs that would give him a moderate high (which was great for work or running errands), a damn good high (for weekends or days off) and the kind of high that he wanted when he wanted to forget everything and everyone and cease being Kim Himchan, former member of B.A.P, for a while. He called that one his Jongup High.
After that night, the one he didn't like to think about, his mom and dad had forced him into a hospital's rehab group. He stayed for six weeks and four days, completely sober and miserable, before he signed himself out and used his savings to rent an apartment so far out of Seoul that it felt like a different world. His parents finally gave up trying to reason with him after his mom showed up on his doorstep after a particularly rough run. When Himchan answered the door with bloodshot eyes, shaky hands and smelling like trash that had been set out in the hot sun all day, she shook her head and walked away. That was three years ago and he wondered if they ever spoke of him or if he was just a distant memory. That random boy in family reunion photos that no one can remember the name of.
That was when Junhong started showing up. At first it was regularly, a scheduled phone call every week and once a month they would meet for coffee. Himchan tried to always stay sober for those visits because he had a feeling Junhong was reporting back to his family and he wanted them to think they had over exaggerated his problems. But then Junhong started showing up randomly at his apartment. He also got to witness a Jongup High, a morning that Himchan wasn't particularly proud of. It had been Jongup's birthday and when he had seen the date on the calendar it broke him for three solid days. That was the first time he had lost a job.
When Junhong looked down at him, disgust and anger in his eyes, Himchan had become enraged. How dare any of them act like they had a right interfering in his life? This was his body to do with however he wanted and before he'd slammed the door in Junhong's face he'd gotten one good punch in. One hard hit in the jaw to show him he was tired of being babysat.
After that Junhong stopped coming by or calling for months. Himchan realized, after he'd come down from the buzz and sobered up a bit, that he was wrong of course. But it took four months for him to finally call and apologize. Junhong accepted his apology, cool and serene on the phone, but he still didn't come back for early morning coffee and donut visits like he used to.
Himchan figured it was just one more link to his past that he was slowly corroding away. The chain tethering him to the Earth was growing weaker with each passing week.
So when he came home from work three and a half weeks after receiving the wedding invitation, he was surprised and a tiny bit pleased when he saw Junhong sitting on the bench outside his apartment building.
"Junhong?" He jumped as if he didn't expect Himchan to actually acknowledge him. "What are you doing here?"
It had been eight months since he'd seen him last and that meeting had been planned and prepared for. Himchan tugged nervously at his uniform top and hoped the soup he had eaten for lunch hadn't splashed across the material without his knowing.
Junhong studied him for a second before he answered. His eyes slid down Himchan's ever-sinking frame and paused at the hips that could barely hold his pants up anymore without squeezing the belt to the smallest holes.
"Youngjae asked me to come."
He froze, keys halfway out of his pocket.
"Why aren't you going to his wedding?" Junhong took the keys out of his hand and pushed open the doors into the building. Obviously he planned on staying for a bit. "You RSVP'd no. Do you have to work? Surely they can let you off for one day."
Himchan didn't answer. He robotically followed his former friend through the lobby and up the stairs to the second floor where he lived. Junhong unlocked the door and made himself at home in the kitchen, unloading the shopping bag he had been carrying that Himchan hadn't paid attention to.
"I didn't want to show up and you feel like you had to cook for me," Junhong searched through the cabinets for the pots and pans. He pulled out a skillet and discreetly wiped it on his shirt. "I hope you still like bibimbap. I'm starving so I brought enough to make extra."
A lie and they both knew it. He brought extra so he could leave it with Himchan and play it off like it wasn't charity.
"I know it was just a pity invite," Himchan reached around him to grab two plates. "No one wants me there and that's fine. I’m okay with it."
"Youngjae asked me for your address. Of course he wants you there." Junhong poured rice into the cooker and turned it on. "We all want you there, Himchan. You're the one who moved three hours away and changed your phone number. Do you know how many times I had to beg your parents to give it to me?" Junhong's back was to him so Himchan couldn’t see his face but he figured it wasn't pretty by the way his shoulders were drawn up and his voice was snappy.
Himchan ran a finger around the lip of the plate. The fight had left him years ago and he didn't want to argue anymore. "Tell Youngjae thank you for the invite and I'm sorry I can't make it but-"
"They all know the truth," Junhong dropped his shoulders as he slowly spun around to look at him. "Is that why you don't want to see anyone? Because of what happened between us? They all know it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I told them everything when I got out of the hospital."
He hadn't known that. It didn't change anything of course. It actually made him feel even worse because it meant they had all known he wasn't the one responsible for Junhong's breakdown and they still had tried their hardest to forget about him. Even Jongup.
"You look good today," Junhong had moved towards him without him knowing and his hands were reaching for Himchan's shoulders. "Way too skinny and tired looking, but your eyes are clear. Are you doing better?" He stroked a hand through Himchan's greasy hair and pushed it away from his face.
"I'm addicted to prescription pain pills not cocaine," He batted the hands away, still not comfortable with being touched by anyone. "I'm not going to lose my teeth or age ten years overnight," Sometimes speaking the blunt truth made the people around him flinch and he always loved it. Why should he shy away from something he had to live with every second of every day? "You can't tell when I'm using or when I'm just tired and right now I’m just exhausted and annoyed."
Junhong stepped away with a sigh. He knew better than to argue with him anymore. They been going around in circles for years and Himchan thought today might finally be the day they finally had it out.
The dinner Junhong cooked was delicious and as the first home-cooked meal Himchan had eaten in months he ate three giant helpings. Junhong kept pushing more and more into his plate until Himchan pushed it away with a groan.
"You need to eat more," Junhong didn't say it admonishingly but Himchan was so on edge that everything the other man said raised his hackles up. He was expecting the explosion that was sure to come. Junhong didn't come all this way just to feed him. "You're almost skinnier than Guk was. Remember how worried about him we all were? Imagine if they could see how you're skin and bones now."
"Then I guess it's a good thing none of them will see me."
The skillet Junhong had been taking back to the sink was suddenly slammed down onto the dirty linoleum. There was a loud crack and Himchan counted that as part of his deposit he'll never get back. Junhong was always taller than him but right now with the raw anger in his eyes he looked terrifying as he stared Himchan down.
"Are you just trying to kill yourself, Himchan? Is that what you want? Because I gotta tell you, there are a lot easier ways of doing it than this slow miserable shit. Do you enjoy torturing your family? Making all of us nervous wrecks?" Junhong leaned down to pick the skillet up and dropped it loudly into the sink. "Did you know Daehyun had to go to therapy for two years after the band broke up? Or that Yongguk was so upset after you disappeared that he hired a detective to find you? Remember when you said you didn't know how your mother ended up on your doorstep and I said maybe the doctor told her? Well news flash. I lied. It was Yongguk. He cared enough about you to make sure you were still alive and I hope that makes you feel like absolute shit. We all love you and you don't even care."
"Junhong, I-"
"You broke his heart you know."
Himchan frowned, not understanding what Junhong meant. "What? Yongguk?"
"You slept with him and said you loved him and then you and I…" Junhong swallowed hard, his eyes trained onto the floor below him. The things that had happened that night were so long ago but had been locked up so tight inside both of them that it felt like just seconds earlier. "He isn't angry at me. Not as much. It took a long time for us to be friends again. But I can feel how he looks at me still though. Still blaming me for losing you and ruining everything even if he pretends he's over it."
Junhong took a ragged breath and ran a trembling hand over his face. He purposefully stepped as far around Himchan as he could and grabbed his coat from the back of the couch. An envelope, identical to the one Himchan had received a few weeks earlier was pulled from the inside pocket and placed carefully onto the coffee table.
Without another word he slipped through the doorway and the apartment was once again empty except for Himchan and his demons.
---
He wondered when Jongup had told Junhong what had happened between them. Was it immediately after he disappeared or did it take years and more effort than he could imagine? Their friendship was always so important to both of them and in one horrible, awful night it had been snapped into pieces because of him. What they had done had not been something special or something either of them really wanted. It was Junhong's fault, all of it, he had just been too tired to stop him
Guilt flickered through him for a split second as he imagined what Junhong had felt like when Jongup told them what had been going on in secret behind their bedroom door. It passed quickly though. Junhong had broken his kitchen floor, after all.
The new invitation was now stuck to the fridge in the same spot the last one had been.
Please respond by February 25. We look forward to seeing you!
He didn’t want to see any of them ever again.
He was desperate to see them again.
He wanted life back the way it used to be.
He knew things could never be the same.
You're my family, Youngjae had scrawled underneath the RSVP choices. Please come.
The tears threatening to leak out of the corners of his eyes were because he was tired, too tired to deal with anything else tonight.
The words on the paper started to swim together the longer he stared.
I am unable to attend. I will be in attendance.
He tried the counting trick and got to four hundred and forty-three before he gave up.
In the end the only thing that convinced him to lift his heavy arm and carefully place an X on the paper was Jongup's face. The destroyed look in his eyes as he opened the door and saw them together, Junhong's head between his legs, his fist pressed tight against his mouth as he tightened the other hand inside Junhong's knotted hair. But Jongup had missed the way his fist hid the words being mouthed against sweaty skin. Jongup, he'd breathed over and over until Yongguk's scream of anger had broken him out of the reverie.
The last thing he remembered before Yongguk's punch had sent him careening into blackness was how utterly defeated Jongup's eyes had looked.
He hadn't seen him since that night, since he was handcuffed and led out of the dorm by a police officer's painful grip on his shoulder.
I will be in attendance.
It was time for apologies.
Part Three