When We Were Kings (Part Three: Sorry Eyes of Those Left Behind)
Part Two
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3K
Time will save you
You don't need to save yourself
Sorry eyes of those left behind
When we were kids do these thing we oblige- (X)
Junhong's descent into madness wasn't as subtle and quiet as his own had been. The signs started suddenly and without warning, taking all of them by surprise. First it was the circles under tired eyes that never truly went away. When asked Junhong would furrow his brows in confusion and say he really didn't know why he wasn't sleeping well anymore.
After the sleepless nights Junhong would turn restless, playing video games by himself in the living room until breakfast, when he would complain about being too tired to practice the rest of the day.
The tears were the hardest to deal with though. They would come out of nowhere and he would be inconsolable for hours until he'd finally sobbed himself into exhaustion. It took a few weeks of every member taking turns holding the giant boy before they all came to the same conclusion that it was to be Himchan's job. They never talked about it, but secretly they all wondered why Junhong had chosen Himchan of all people to turn to for comfort. Himchan knew it was because he related to what Junhong was going through more than the rest of the band could. He was experienced in feeling like the world was being pulled out from under you and there was no escape so you grasped onto whatever you could find.
His relief was pills. Junhong's was insanity.
The first time Junhong lost control was two years into their formation as a group. He'd always been sensitive, crying the easiest and needing someone to coax him out of the apartment on long days, but they'd never thought about looking deeper into it. He was their baby and all he needed was their support, they all reasoned to themselves.
But when Youngjae caught him with the razor in his hands and blood on the sink they finally admitted the problem was worse than they could handle. Junhong got help and medicine and a private phone to use when he wanted to talk to his mom even if they were too busy for personal calls. He got better, he got worse, then better, it became a circle they were constantly tiptoeing their way around.
Himchan knew his problems were easily overlooked because of how much concern they were devoting to Junhong and as much as he loved the baby of their group he was silently thankful for his inner turmoil. The only person who still kept just as much attention on him was Jongup and he was keeping quiet. Worries and complaints were only voiced in their bedroom late at night while Himchan was shivering with want but too proud to get high with Jongup awake.
After a while the only way he could fall asleep was if Jongup was kneeling uncomfortably over him with a frown on his face as he massaged the wrinkles out of Himchan's brow. The pain in his eyes was like a bedtime storybook for him. He liked knowing he had power over Jongup, that it was up to him whether Jongup went to bed happy or angry.
"If you cared about us at all then you wouldn't do this, Himchan," Jongup's thumb was smoothing gently across his forehead while his other hand was attempting to pat down the bed in search of the contraband he knew had to be nearby. "You can get better if you'd just try. I'll help you, I'll go with you to meetings, or we can ask the company to let you take a break, or what if-"
"Be quiet for a few minutes, Jonguppie," He loved to listen to Jongup talk most of the time. The hesitant, gentle tone that was so at odds with the man's body it went with. It was such a contrast to his own feminine features and gravelly voice that Himchan had always chalked it up to another reason they were meant to be so close. Opposites attract and Jongup and him couldn't be more different.
But tonight he was tired after six hours of dance practice and his knee hurt from tripping over Junhong's clown feet. Tonight he wanted silence.
"I'm going to tell. I'll go to Yongguk right now and tell him everything."
The threat wasn't anything new. Jongup voiced it at least twice a week and it never happened. Himchan would merely sigh in heavy disappointment and it was enough to make Jongup apologize and climb into bed next to him, body warm and heavy as he wrapped himself tightly around Himchan's clammy one.
"And worry everyone even more? They already have Junhong to worry about. He's overdue for another week long crying jag."
"That's not fair," This time Jongup sounded like the disappointed one. "Junhong can't help what's happening to him. He's dying to find something that will help him get back to the way he was. You can get help anytime you ask and you choose to be pathetic."
The insult made Himchan flare white hot inside his veins. He didn't have a temper, never really saw the reason to get angry and hold grudges, but that Himchan had slowly been withering away over the years until all that was left was a blank shell where the normal rules no longer applied.
"I'm not the one sniveling and crying every night," He calmly raised an eyebrow at Jongup's stricken face. "Get out of my bed."
Jongup stared at him, lips parted in surprise. "Channie…"
"Get. Out."
He could feel the flames of anger licking their way up his chest. He knew he was wrong for doing this to the one person who cared enough to try and save him but he was too far gone. There was no saving him and it was a relief to finally know that. No more trying to be good, no more pretending that he gave a shit what happened to the band. He was free. Jongup's disappointment had finally set him free.
"I was faking it," Himchan's smile felt too big for his face and the more the lies spilled out the wider it grew. "The entire time. You were never my favorite. You were just the easiest to manipulate. Everyone laughs at you behind your back. Who's the pathetic one now?"
Jongup's eyes were red and his jaw was clenched tightly shut but he never let go of the hairsbreadth control he had over himself. He merely nodded as he climbed shakily out of Himchan's bed. The silence in the room was so loud that it roared its way into Himchan's brain. He could feel every beat of his heart and rush of blood as it flowed through his system. He could swear that he could even hear the sound of Jongup's wet eyelashes blinking furiously from across the room.
"Good night, Himchan." Jongup's voice was strained but polite, his figure disappearing under the heavy quilt he pulled over himself.
For the first time in his life, Himchan felt like a monster.
---
Jongup was casually indifferent to him after that and Himchan despised it. He was aching to apologize and wishing like hell that Jongup would just break down and scream at him for what he had said. Hit him, spit at him, anything to even the stakes between them.
Gone were the late-night scalp massages that he had fallen asleep to, no more bright smiles first thing in the morning as they stumbled out of bed. Jongup was now gone before he even opened his eyes and when he would come out of the bedroom there he'd be, already finishing breakfast and not meeting Himchan's gaze.
He knew that if he just reached out with open arms and pleaded forgiveness that their relationship would be back on track but if he couldn’t forgive himself for what he had said, he knew there was no way he could ever ask Jongup to.
"My head hurts," Junhong had been on such a high lately, a new combination of anti-anxiety meds seemed to be working, but the downhill fall always came on the back of a headache. They'd start slowly at first, with Junhong absentmindedly rubbing his temples. Then they'd notice him quietly whimpering as he blinked his strained eyes into focus. The vomiting was when they knew there was a doctor's appointment in the future for him. The migraines were so painful that he couldn't even lift his head from the rim of the toilet, bile mixing in with sweat as he panted into the bowl.
His body was the largest of the boy's in the band but he still somehow managed to fit himself into Himchan's lap, fist reaching up to clench into his pajama shirt. Himchan knew the routine by now, one hand bracing Junhong against him to keep him still, the other pressing a towel-covered heating pad to his forehead. Youngjae handed it to him in silence, eyes darting between the two boys on the couch and Yongguk's closed door. Himchan shooed him away.
"How bad?"
"Six out of ten," Junhong whispered back. "Six and a half."
Himchan figured they probably had about two weeks before they reached ten. The intervals between Normal Junhong and Scary Junhong were shorter and shorter and Himchan had overheard Yongguk and their manager talking about hospital stays and evaluations if something didn't change.
"Do you want me to find your pain pills?" Himchan considered it a very selfless act of self-control that he had stayed away from Junhong's pill bottles so far. As much as he loved hurting himself he would never willingly steal their baby's medicine. That was where he drew the line and he was proud that there still was a line. "I think Yongguk has them."
"No," Junhong was pressed so hard into the crook of his neck that Himchan felt choked but he kept quiet. It seemed to make Junhong feel better the tighter he was against someone. "They make me feel like a zombie. I'd rather be in pain." He made a face as he spoke, forming the words was hurting him.
Himchan rocked him gently in his arms, lips mouthing random songs he knew from the radio against Junhong's hair. It took him longer than normal to get him to sleep but eventually he felt Junhong's stiff body relax and the strangled breaths turned into slow, deep ones.
"Let me help," Youngjae reached for him and held his body still as Himchan slid off the side of the couch.
He rolled his stiff neck around until he felt the satisfying crack it made. "Thanks."
"He's getting worse," The blanket on the back of the couch was tucked tightly around him, Youngjae smoothing the sweat-dampened hair off of Junhong's cheeks. "Do you think we should call his mom and dad again?"
They had already threatened to remove Junhong from the band the first time he had fallen apart. The only thing that kept him in was Himchan's promise to take care of him.
"Not yet," He chewed on his lower lip and mentally calculated all of the different mixtures of medicine they had put him on. This was the seventh in under two years, the fourth this year alone and there were still three months left. "Give him one more chance to pull out of it. We have two days off next week, maybe we can do something fun and keep him distracted from it."
Youngjae nodded but didn't look convinced. He muttered a tired Goodnight at him as he headed to the bedroom.
He decided he might as well head to bed, too. Not that he ever slept much anymore. The door was open a crack and the lamp was still on when he entered. Jongup was sitting on the edge of his bed, the teddy bear that had been such a clever hiding place was on the floor beside him.
Himchan shut the door behind him, deciding at the last second to lock it as well. He didn't know what Jongup was planning to do about his big reveal but he sure as hell didn't want anyone bursting into their business.
He quietly walked to his own bed and sat down, eyes narrowed at Jongup's frozen form. The bear had been ripped apart and pill bags were spilling out around it.
"I knew it was close," Jongup whispered, still not making eye contact with him. "You would go to sleep a mess and wake up happy. It had to be somewhere near your bed. But I never thought about the stupid doll."
"That's why I picked it," Himchan told him honestly. "Why were you still looking?"
This time Jongup's eyes snapped towards him and Himchan was relieved to see the pure fury reflecting back at him. He wanted him angry, he wanted him to fight, this was what his broken body had been waiting for.
"Because even if you're a drugged-out bastard I still don't want you to kill yourself."
Himchan barked out a fake chuckle. "I'm not going to kill myself on those. There's nothing in there that you can't get prescriptions for. I'm not that bad, Jongup."
"You're an idiot if you really believe that."
This time the silence in the room felt electric, like Himchan and Jongup were separate ends of a rubber band and it was seconds away from snapping. He could see the angry flush creeping across Jongup's bare chest, the way his lungs filled and emptied with deep, furious breaths.
"I have to believe it," Himchan had to look away from Jongup's eyes because one day he worried he would drown in them if he looked too long. "If I don't believe that then there's nothing left for me."
Jongup choked down a crazed laugh and reached for the pile of bags underneath him. He stormed to the door and Himchan could hear his precious pills being flushed down the toilet once again. So much money and effort and time wasted all because Jongup couldn't just let him go.
"There," Jongup stood in the doorway, body practically vibrating as he slammed the door behind him. "They're gone. What are you going to do now?"
"Buy more?" Himchan figured that wasn't the right answer when the doll flew across the room to thump against his chest. Jongup had a pretty good arm on him, he thought, rubbing the spot where a plastic eyeball had smacked him.
Suddenly Jongup was in his face, breath hot against his lips. He had Himchan by the shoulders and shoved him across the bed so hard that his head thudded against the wall.
"Did you mean it?" He clenched tight fistfuls of Himchan's shirt and shook him. "Did you mean what you said to me?"
The monster inside him wanted to say yes, to watch as Jongup broke to pieces in front of him. It would have moaned at the tears that would have slipped across his skin.
"No," His voice felt like sandpaper and he swallowed before he was able to speak again. "I just like hurting you."
Jongup rolled his jaw as he pondered what that meant. "Why?"
"Because you let me. Because you keep trying. Because I like it when you hate me."
"Does it help?" Jongup settled back in his lap and tilted his head. "With the cravings. Does it help?"
He nodded frantically. If Jongup moved even one centimeter to the left he would know firsthand how much he helped.
"Good." Jongup shifted his hips as if he knew exactly what was racing through Himchan's brain. A sharp intake of air from Himchan made his expression darken. He was doing this on purpose, was Himchan's last thought before Jongup leaned towards him, so close that all Himchan could see was his eyes and he was falling again. "Because I fucking hate you."
That kind of word coming from Jongup was as rare as snow in July and it was all Himchan needed to be one hundred percent positive that Jongup was doing this on purpose now.
"I hate what you're doing to the band," Jongup pushed him sideways so he wasn't slumped against the wall anymore. "I hate that we've all worked so hard for all of this and been through so much and you don't even appreciate it." Himchan was jerked up so that Jongup could yank at his t-shirt. It flew towards the door, quickly forgotten. "I hate that you touch Junhong more than you touch me and that you're the only one he comes to when he needs help."
Himchan's eyes rolled upwards when blunt teeth nipped at the corner of his jaw, working their way down past his racing pulse. "Jongup, I-"
"But most of all I hate what you're doing to yourself," When Jongup lifted his head the eyes looking mournfully at Himchan were wet, tear tracks glistening on his skin. "I don't care about the band, I don't care about Junhong, I hate you for putting yourself through this."
The last time he had been this desperate for anything was six months ago when he'd gone home to visit his parents for two weeks. They'd kept him so close that he hadn't had time to get high and he'd come back to the dorm almost in tears.
But back then he had gotten his fix and everything was okay in his world again. Right now he didn't think anything could take him out of this haze of Jongup. Their skin burned as it rubbed against each other and suddenly Jongup's lips were on his and his tongue was searching inside his mouth, bringing back gasps and the sound of his own name with it.
"I can be your drugs," Jongup reached between them to untie the cords holding Himchan's pajama pants up. "I can make you feel that way whenever you want me to."
Empty words because what Jongup was giving him and what the pills gave him were both needed but they couldn't exist in the same world together. He knew he could never have both.
But he had tonight, he had right this very second and Jongup alone would be enough.
"I hate you," Whispered against the corner of his lips.
"I hate you," Breathed into the dip of his throat.
"I hate you," Snarled at the sight of his shrunken hips.
"I h-"
"I love you," Himchan felt the way Jongup stilled above him. "I love you, Jongup."
Tomorrow he'd awaken and feel remorse for what he took from him, but tonight Jongup would be enough to satisfy him.
Part Four
Pairing: HimUp
Rated: PG13
Length: 3K
Time will save you
You don't need to save yourself
Sorry eyes of those left behind
When we were kids do these thing we oblige- (X)
Junhong's descent into madness wasn't as subtle and quiet as his own had been. The signs started suddenly and without warning, taking all of them by surprise. First it was the circles under tired eyes that never truly went away. When asked Junhong would furrow his brows in confusion and say he really didn't know why he wasn't sleeping well anymore.
After the sleepless nights Junhong would turn restless, playing video games by himself in the living room until breakfast, when he would complain about being too tired to practice the rest of the day.
The tears were the hardest to deal with though. They would come out of nowhere and he would be inconsolable for hours until he'd finally sobbed himself into exhaustion. It took a few weeks of every member taking turns holding the giant boy before they all came to the same conclusion that it was to be Himchan's job. They never talked about it, but secretly they all wondered why Junhong had chosen Himchan of all people to turn to for comfort. Himchan knew it was because he related to what Junhong was going through more than the rest of the band could. He was experienced in feeling like the world was being pulled out from under you and there was no escape so you grasped onto whatever you could find.
His relief was pills. Junhong's was insanity.
The first time Junhong lost control was two years into their formation as a group. He'd always been sensitive, crying the easiest and needing someone to coax him out of the apartment on long days, but they'd never thought about looking deeper into it. He was their baby and all he needed was their support, they all reasoned to themselves.
But when Youngjae caught him with the razor in his hands and blood on the sink they finally admitted the problem was worse than they could handle. Junhong got help and medicine and a private phone to use when he wanted to talk to his mom even if they were too busy for personal calls. He got better, he got worse, then better, it became a circle they were constantly tiptoeing their way around.
Himchan knew his problems were easily overlooked because of how much concern they were devoting to Junhong and as much as he loved the baby of their group he was silently thankful for his inner turmoil. The only person who still kept just as much attention on him was Jongup and he was keeping quiet. Worries and complaints were only voiced in their bedroom late at night while Himchan was shivering with want but too proud to get high with Jongup awake.
After a while the only way he could fall asleep was if Jongup was kneeling uncomfortably over him with a frown on his face as he massaged the wrinkles out of Himchan's brow. The pain in his eyes was like a bedtime storybook for him. He liked knowing he had power over Jongup, that it was up to him whether Jongup went to bed happy or angry.
"If you cared about us at all then you wouldn't do this, Himchan," Jongup's thumb was smoothing gently across his forehead while his other hand was attempting to pat down the bed in search of the contraband he knew had to be nearby. "You can get better if you'd just try. I'll help you, I'll go with you to meetings, or we can ask the company to let you take a break, or what if-"
"Be quiet for a few minutes, Jonguppie," He loved to listen to Jongup talk most of the time. The hesitant, gentle tone that was so at odds with the man's body it went with. It was such a contrast to his own feminine features and gravelly voice that Himchan had always chalked it up to another reason they were meant to be so close. Opposites attract and Jongup and him couldn't be more different.
But tonight he was tired after six hours of dance practice and his knee hurt from tripping over Junhong's clown feet. Tonight he wanted silence.
"I'm going to tell. I'll go to Yongguk right now and tell him everything."
The threat wasn't anything new. Jongup voiced it at least twice a week and it never happened. Himchan would merely sigh in heavy disappointment and it was enough to make Jongup apologize and climb into bed next to him, body warm and heavy as he wrapped himself tightly around Himchan's clammy one.
"And worry everyone even more? They already have Junhong to worry about. He's overdue for another week long crying jag."
"That's not fair," This time Jongup sounded like the disappointed one. "Junhong can't help what's happening to him. He's dying to find something that will help him get back to the way he was. You can get help anytime you ask and you choose to be pathetic."
The insult made Himchan flare white hot inside his veins. He didn't have a temper, never really saw the reason to get angry and hold grudges, but that Himchan had slowly been withering away over the years until all that was left was a blank shell where the normal rules no longer applied.
"I'm not the one sniveling and crying every night," He calmly raised an eyebrow at Jongup's stricken face. "Get out of my bed."
Jongup stared at him, lips parted in surprise. "Channie…"
"Get. Out."
He could feel the flames of anger licking their way up his chest. He knew he was wrong for doing this to the one person who cared enough to try and save him but he was too far gone. There was no saving him and it was a relief to finally know that. No more trying to be good, no more pretending that he gave a shit what happened to the band. He was free. Jongup's disappointment had finally set him free.
"I was faking it," Himchan's smile felt too big for his face and the more the lies spilled out the wider it grew. "The entire time. You were never my favorite. You were just the easiest to manipulate. Everyone laughs at you behind your back. Who's the pathetic one now?"
Jongup's eyes were red and his jaw was clenched tightly shut but he never let go of the hairsbreadth control he had over himself. He merely nodded as he climbed shakily out of Himchan's bed. The silence in the room was so loud that it roared its way into Himchan's brain. He could feel every beat of his heart and rush of blood as it flowed through his system. He could swear that he could even hear the sound of Jongup's wet eyelashes blinking furiously from across the room.
"Good night, Himchan." Jongup's voice was strained but polite, his figure disappearing under the heavy quilt he pulled over himself.
For the first time in his life, Himchan felt like a monster.
---
Jongup was casually indifferent to him after that and Himchan despised it. He was aching to apologize and wishing like hell that Jongup would just break down and scream at him for what he had said. Hit him, spit at him, anything to even the stakes between them.
Gone were the late-night scalp massages that he had fallen asleep to, no more bright smiles first thing in the morning as they stumbled out of bed. Jongup was now gone before he even opened his eyes and when he would come out of the bedroom there he'd be, already finishing breakfast and not meeting Himchan's gaze.
He knew that if he just reached out with open arms and pleaded forgiveness that their relationship would be back on track but if he couldn’t forgive himself for what he had said, he knew there was no way he could ever ask Jongup to.
"My head hurts," Junhong had been on such a high lately, a new combination of anti-anxiety meds seemed to be working, but the downhill fall always came on the back of a headache. They'd start slowly at first, with Junhong absentmindedly rubbing his temples. Then they'd notice him quietly whimpering as he blinked his strained eyes into focus. The vomiting was when they knew there was a doctor's appointment in the future for him. The migraines were so painful that he couldn't even lift his head from the rim of the toilet, bile mixing in with sweat as he panted into the bowl.
His body was the largest of the boy's in the band but he still somehow managed to fit himself into Himchan's lap, fist reaching up to clench into his pajama shirt. Himchan knew the routine by now, one hand bracing Junhong against him to keep him still, the other pressing a towel-covered heating pad to his forehead. Youngjae handed it to him in silence, eyes darting between the two boys on the couch and Yongguk's closed door. Himchan shooed him away.
"How bad?"
"Six out of ten," Junhong whispered back. "Six and a half."
Himchan figured they probably had about two weeks before they reached ten. The intervals between Normal Junhong and Scary Junhong were shorter and shorter and Himchan had overheard Yongguk and their manager talking about hospital stays and evaluations if something didn't change.
"Do you want me to find your pain pills?" Himchan considered it a very selfless act of self-control that he had stayed away from Junhong's pill bottles so far. As much as he loved hurting himself he would never willingly steal their baby's medicine. That was where he drew the line and he was proud that there still was a line. "I think Yongguk has them."
"No," Junhong was pressed so hard into the crook of his neck that Himchan felt choked but he kept quiet. It seemed to make Junhong feel better the tighter he was against someone. "They make me feel like a zombie. I'd rather be in pain." He made a face as he spoke, forming the words was hurting him.
Himchan rocked him gently in his arms, lips mouthing random songs he knew from the radio against Junhong's hair. It took him longer than normal to get him to sleep but eventually he felt Junhong's stiff body relax and the strangled breaths turned into slow, deep ones.
"Let me help," Youngjae reached for him and held his body still as Himchan slid off the side of the couch.
He rolled his stiff neck around until he felt the satisfying crack it made. "Thanks."
"He's getting worse," The blanket on the back of the couch was tucked tightly around him, Youngjae smoothing the sweat-dampened hair off of Junhong's cheeks. "Do you think we should call his mom and dad again?"
They had already threatened to remove Junhong from the band the first time he had fallen apart. The only thing that kept him in was Himchan's promise to take care of him.
"Not yet," He chewed on his lower lip and mentally calculated all of the different mixtures of medicine they had put him on. This was the seventh in under two years, the fourth this year alone and there were still three months left. "Give him one more chance to pull out of it. We have two days off next week, maybe we can do something fun and keep him distracted from it."
Youngjae nodded but didn't look convinced. He muttered a tired Goodnight at him as he headed to the bedroom.
He decided he might as well head to bed, too. Not that he ever slept much anymore. The door was open a crack and the lamp was still on when he entered. Jongup was sitting on the edge of his bed, the teddy bear that had been such a clever hiding place was on the floor beside him.
Himchan shut the door behind him, deciding at the last second to lock it as well. He didn't know what Jongup was planning to do about his big reveal but he sure as hell didn't want anyone bursting into their business.
He quietly walked to his own bed and sat down, eyes narrowed at Jongup's frozen form. The bear had been ripped apart and pill bags were spilling out around it.
"I knew it was close," Jongup whispered, still not making eye contact with him. "You would go to sleep a mess and wake up happy. It had to be somewhere near your bed. But I never thought about the stupid doll."
"That's why I picked it," Himchan told him honestly. "Why were you still looking?"
This time Jongup's eyes snapped towards him and Himchan was relieved to see the pure fury reflecting back at him. He wanted him angry, he wanted him to fight, this was what his broken body had been waiting for.
"Because even if you're a drugged-out bastard I still don't want you to kill yourself."
Himchan barked out a fake chuckle. "I'm not going to kill myself on those. There's nothing in there that you can't get prescriptions for. I'm not that bad, Jongup."
"You're an idiot if you really believe that."
This time the silence in the room felt electric, like Himchan and Jongup were separate ends of a rubber band and it was seconds away from snapping. He could see the angry flush creeping across Jongup's bare chest, the way his lungs filled and emptied with deep, furious breaths.
"I have to believe it," Himchan had to look away from Jongup's eyes because one day he worried he would drown in them if he looked too long. "If I don't believe that then there's nothing left for me."
Jongup choked down a crazed laugh and reached for the pile of bags underneath him. He stormed to the door and Himchan could hear his precious pills being flushed down the toilet once again. So much money and effort and time wasted all because Jongup couldn't just let him go.
"There," Jongup stood in the doorway, body practically vibrating as he slammed the door behind him. "They're gone. What are you going to do now?"
"Buy more?" Himchan figured that wasn't the right answer when the doll flew across the room to thump against his chest. Jongup had a pretty good arm on him, he thought, rubbing the spot where a plastic eyeball had smacked him.
Suddenly Jongup was in his face, breath hot against his lips. He had Himchan by the shoulders and shoved him across the bed so hard that his head thudded against the wall.
"Did you mean it?" He clenched tight fistfuls of Himchan's shirt and shook him. "Did you mean what you said to me?"
The monster inside him wanted to say yes, to watch as Jongup broke to pieces in front of him. It would have moaned at the tears that would have slipped across his skin.
"No," His voice felt like sandpaper and he swallowed before he was able to speak again. "I just like hurting you."
Jongup rolled his jaw as he pondered what that meant. "Why?"
"Because you let me. Because you keep trying. Because I like it when you hate me."
"Does it help?" Jongup settled back in his lap and tilted his head. "With the cravings. Does it help?"
He nodded frantically. If Jongup moved even one centimeter to the left he would know firsthand how much he helped.
"Good." Jongup shifted his hips as if he knew exactly what was racing through Himchan's brain. A sharp intake of air from Himchan made his expression darken. He was doing this on purpose, was Himchan's last thought before Jongup leaned towards him, so close that all Himchan could see was his eyes and he was falling again. "Because I fucking hate you."
That kind of word coming from Jongup was as rare as snow in July and it was all Himchan needed to be one hundred percent positive that Jongup was doing this on purpose now.
"I hate what you're doing to the band," Jongup pushed him sideways so he wasn't slumped against the wall anymore. "I hate that we've all worked so hard for all of this and been through so much and you don't even appreciate it." Himchan was jerked up so that Jongup could yank at his t-shirt. It flew towards the door, quickly forgotten. "I hate that you touch Junhong more than you touch me and that you're the only one he comes to when he needs help."
Himchan's eyes rolled upwards when blunt teeth nipped at the corner of his jaw, working their way down past his racing pulse. "Jongup, I-"
"But most of all I hate what you're doing to yourself," When Jongup lifted his head the eyes looking mournfully at Himchan were wet, tear tracks glistening on his skin. "I don't care about the band, I don't care about Junhong, I hate you for putting yourself through this."
The last time he had been this desperate for anything was six months ago when he'd gone home to visit his parents for two weeks. They'd kept him so close that he hadn't had time to get high and he'd come back to the dorm almost in tears.
But back then he had gotten his fix and everything was okay in his world again. Right now he didn't think anything could take him out of this haze of Jongup. Their skin burned as it rubbed against each other and suddenly Jongup's lips were on his and his tongue was searching inside his mouth, bringing back gasps and the sound of his own name with it.
"I can be your drugs," Jongup reached between them to untie the cords holding Himchan's pajama pants up. "I can make you feel that way whenever you want me to."
Empty words because what Jongup was giving him and what the pills gave him were both needed but they couldn't exist in the same world together. He knew he could never have both.
But he had tonight, he had right this very second and Jongup alone would be enough.
"I hate you," Whispered against the corner of his lips.
"I hate you," Breathed into the dip of his throat.
"I hate you," Snarled at the sight of his shrunken hips.
"I h-"
"I love you," Himchan felt the way Jongup stilled above him. "I love you, Jongup."
Tomorrow he'd awaken and feel remorse for what he took from him, but tonight Jongup would be enough to satisfy him.
Part Four