When We Were Kings (Part Eight: For the Deepest Scars Disappear)
Part Seven
Pairing: HimUp, DaeLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 6.4K
Time will save you,
You don't need to save yourself.
And if you need me now, you know I am here.
For the deepest scars disappear.
- (X)
His hands twitched with the need to reach out and touch Jongup but his brain finally came back online and he stopped dead still in the center of the room.
“Hi.”
Jongup stared at him calmly, but his eyes betrayed him. He looked between Himchan and Junhong with sadness and resignation.
“Hi,” He finally said back. “It’s been a long time.”
“Seems like forever,” Himchan agreed. “How are you?”
Jongup shrugged, eyes still moving between them. “Why is Junhong still here? Can’t you two stay away from each other for fifteen minutes?”
The anger in his voice surprised Himchan. He looked back towards Junhong with confusion.
“I told you I’m not leaving him alone with you unless he specifically asks me to,” Junhong shut the door behind him and leaned against it. “And even then I reserve the right to say no.”
“So do you two just enjoy rubbing it into my face then?” The stony façade cracked for a split second and the old Jongup emerged, the one with needy eyes that Himchan could never say no to. “You both stomped on my heart and made me feel like the world’s biggest fool and I can’t even get ten seconds to just apologize so I can go home and forget this night even happened?”
He broke off with a choked sob and covered his face with a shaky palm. Himchan and Junhong traded equal looks of hesitation.
“What do you possibly have to apologize for?” He started to take another step forward but Junhong’s warning hand on his arm held him back. “Jongup. Why do you think you need to apologize to me?”
Jongup took a ragged breath before carefully composing his features back into the cold Jongup-mask they had first encountered.
“It’s my fault you were left alone that night. I knew you were a drug addict and I knew Junhong was out of control. If I hadn’t of ignored you after,” He swallowed and Himchan knew he was remembering the hard kisses and tender words of that night, “After we slept together, you wouldn’t have gotten so bad.”
“Jesus Jongup,” He thought he had every version of this conversation planned, every possible scenario there could be was calculated and prepared for, but he had never expected this. “That was all on me. On us,” He motioned beside him to a frozen Junhong. “We both share the blame for that night equally. You had nothing to do with it. We were sick and we used each other to get through a rough night. That’s all.”
The tiny boy looked even more frail as he shook his head, fingertips swiping at his wet cheeks. “I wanted to make you suffer. I thought that if I refused to even look at you that you would love me enough to try harder,” He laughed humorlessly and closed his eyes. “I really was a fool.”
Himchan didn’t know what he could possibly do to defuse this unexpected situation. He had always imagined Jongup hating him and their first meeting being full of screaming and fury and everything this moment was not.
“I’m glad you’re getting better,” Jongup continued. His voice was back to the blasé tone that tried to show he didn’t care at all. “And that you two are happy. I was angry at you both for a long time and I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “At least I know you’ll take care of each other.”
By the time Junhong and Himchan had processed his words and realized what assumptions he had made, Jongup was already halfway to the door.
Himchan reached out the mere inches to where Jongup was apart from him and encircled his wrist. He tried to open his mouth and tell Jongup that he was so completely wrong on so many levels but he first he had to get past the realization that he was touching him for the first time in years.
“Jongup…” Junhong took action and held his hands up. “I know it’s my fault that you have the wrong idea but believe me, you have the absolute worst idea.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jongup shook Himchan’s touch free and smiled weakly at him. “I got over you a long time ago. This was just something I needed to get off my chest.”
He wanted to tell Jongup that he might be over him, but that the same could never be true for him.
“I loved you,” Jongup shoved the final dagger into his heart. “But I could never be with a drug addicted loser.”
The split-second decision Junhong was faced with as Jongup exited the room was either to follow his former best friend and give him the beating of his life, or rush towards Himchan as he dissolved against the floor.
“Shh,” He held Himchan against his chest and smoothed fingers through his hair. The cruel words Jongup had flung at him on his way out were settling into his pores and climbing their way up his bloodstream. He needed his pills, he needed his whiskey, he need a Jongup-high. “Just stay calm and breathe and we’ll get everything sorted out. He’s angry at the both of us, not just you, don’t put all of this on yourself.”
He didn’t even hear what Junhong was saying to comfort him, his entire body was screaming for relief. Even though he had wanted Jongup angry at him he didn’t want to be torn down to get it. He wanted closure and apologies, not to be tortured.
“I’m going to get Yongguk,” Junhong promised, setting him against the wall and squeezing his hands. “Don’t move, don’t think, don’t do anything but wait for us. We’ll take you out of here.”
With one final look back he rushed through the back towards the crowd of people already up and dancing, making the room seem larger and harder to maneuver than before.
Himchan’s chest was tight and he hated himself for falling apart over this, but it was too late. There was only one thing left that would help cure him.
He knew when he left rehab that he should have deleted the phone number. It was pure idiocy to leave it there in his phone book, dangling in his face like a carrot. He told himself every night to erase it but a tiny part of him was never rehabilitated. That small insignificant piece of his soul told him to keep it for when he was tired of pretending.
“Yeah.”
He named Youngjae’s town and waited.
“You’ve been quiet,” The Ninja questioned.
“Please,” He named the town again and swallowed raggedly, the pressure building to a breaking point in his head. “It’s an emergency.”
“Give me ten minutes. I’ll text you an address.”
There were no goodbyes, the phone beeped loudly in his ear letting him know the call was disconnected. Himchan shoved it back into his pocket and climbed to his feet. He hoped the door behind the desk led outside because there was no way he could go back through the party and face everyone like this. His deceit would be splattered all over his face and everyone would know how pathetic he really was.
“I’m sorry Junhong,” He murmured as he stood on the threshold, teetering on his heels between the safety of the office and the unknown of outside. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
His phone buzzed in his pocket.
Corner of 17th and Main. Behind the movie theater.
He took a deep breath and stepped out.
---
Junhong stormed through the room, not hearing the greetings from the thick crowd as he shoved people out of his way. Yongguk was where he had left him, head on his arms and Daehyun chattering beside him not caring that his tablemate wasn’t paying attention.
“Get up,” He slapped Yongguk’s arm hard enough to make him hiss and come to full alertness. “We have to get Himchan out of here.”
“What’s wrong?” Daehyun was oblivious to the drama that had been building behind the scenes but he knew the expression on Junhong’s face meant pure fury. “Where’s Himchan? Is he okay?”
“No,” He tried to convey to Yongguk with his eyes what was going on and thankfully it worked, his lips slackening and curses pouring from them as he stumbled to his feet. “We have to hurry.”
Daehyun jumped up to, all previous traces of humor gone and body stiff. “I’ll get Jongup to help.”
They barred his way, Yongguk crossing his ams and sighing at Junhong.
“He deserves to know.”
“Himchan doesn’t want anyone else to know,” Junhong looked desperately towards the corner where the hallway started. They didn’t have time for this. Himchan needed them and every second they were away it would only get worse.
Yongguk grabbed Daehyun by the wrist and pulled him along behind them, neither managing to keep up with a racing Junhong. By the time they made it back to the offices Junhong was already inside tearing it apart and yelling for Himchan.
“He’s gone,” His heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Why would he he leave? “Did you pass him?” Where could he possibly go?
“No,” Yongguk tried to assess the situation calmer than Junhong was. “Where does that door lead?”
They opened it to reveal the night air and Junhong let out a quiet moan. They all knew what Himchan was going to do and it wasn’t good.
“Pick up, pick up,” Junhong chanted, trying to reach him on his cellphone. He didn’t expect an answer but still felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes when it rang through to voicemail. “His mom put a tracker on his phone. It will take a while but I can narrow it down pretty close.” The app pulled up a map of the world and slowly started to spin as it tried to locate one phone in billions.
Daehyun stood at the doorway, full of confusion and growing anger at being left out of whatever they were talking about. He silently slipped out of the room and tiptoed back to the party, eyes scanning for the person he was looking for.
He finally spotted Jongup making his way to the door, his fiancé’s fingers gripped tight in his hand as he dragged her along.
“But I’m having fun! I don’t want to leave!”
“What did you do?” He jumped in front of his red-faced former band member and poked a finger sharply into his shoulder. “What did you do to him?”
Jongup shoved him away, snarling at the accusation. “Nothing he wouldn’t have done to me. Get out of the way Daehyun. We’re leaving.”
“I’m not,” She wriggled free and smoothed her skirt down. “He gets like this sometimes, Daehyunnie. Just take him somewhere and let him break something and he’ll calm down.” With a grin that showed she got exactly what she wanted, she turned and flounced back into the crowd of partygoers.
“What did you do to him?” Neither noticed her departure. Daehyun was still staring remorsefully at someone he thought he knew. “You’re the only person who could send him back to that. You’re the only one who could destroy every piece of dignity he’s built back up.” Anger coursed through him when he thought of what Himchan was going through right now, what he was planning on doing. “So what,” He took a step forward, so close now to Jongup that he could see the muscles tightening around his frightened eyes. “Did you do?”
Jongup licked his lips and looked away. “I told him exactly what I thought of him.”
“That you thought the sun rose out of his mouth and a fairy was born every time he laughed?” At Jongup’s confused glance, Daehyun rolled his eyes. “We all had eyes, Jongup.” The time for talking had gone on long enough. Every second they wasted was another step Himchan took towards ruining everything he had done for himself. “Come on.”
“It’s put him in Korea. We’re getting there,” Junhong updated him as he reentered the office. He didn’t look up from his phone until Yongguk’s chest rumbled with a predatory growl. “What the fuck is he doing here?” He pushed himself off from the edge of the desk and stormed towards Jongup. Before the others could open their mouths to protest Junhong had already sent the smaller boy sprawling onto the ground, hand cupping his jaw.
“I deserved that,” Jongup sat hunched over until the pain started to subside. When he finally lifted his head they could see the reddening skin around his mouth that was rapidly starting to swell. “But I’m pretty sure you deserve one, too.”
Junhong was so furious that the room was starting to blur around the corners and all he could see was Jongup with a giant target sign on his face. He started towards him again but Yongguk was quicker this time and yanked his arms behind his back to hold him still.
“This won’t help find Himchan,” He chastised him firmly. “Kick his ass later.”
“What do you mean?” Jongup was still shaky as he climbed to his feet. “Where did Himchan go?”
“To screw everything up,” He spat at him, still struggling to free himself from Yongguk’s grip. “Because of you.”
Jongup looked between the three with a frown. “I don’t really see how my opinion did anything. You all made it crystal clear a long time ago that my feelings don’t matter.”
Daehyun growled and stomped a foot onto the ground. “Would someone please tell me what’s going on here?”
They had forgotten there was someone in the room who wasn’t caught up with everything and it took them a few moments to process Daehyun’s request. Finally, everything clicked for Jongup first and he threw his head back with a laugh.
“What, are you two embarrassed to let the rest of the band know? You don’t mind shoveling your shit all over me but Daehyun is lucky enough to stay out of it?” With a sneer he motioned his head towards Junhong. “Him and Himchan have been dating since the band broke up.”
The unexpected news shocked Daehyun and he looked at Junhong with wide eyes as everything started to finally make sense. If Jongup thought he was going to be on his side he was sorely mistaken when Daehyun finally chuckled.
“Did you make him think that?” He shook his head, eyes twinkling with amusement as Junhong flushed with embarrassment. “This whole time, you flaunted Himchan in front of him, didn’t you. That’s horrible, Junhonggie.”
“He started it,” Junhong muttered back. “Refusing to speak to me until I ambushed him at work. Making me feel like I committed adultery when I didn’t even know they had slept together!”
“What? Really? When did you two sl-“
“I’ll fill you in later,” Yongguk whispered, slapping a hand over Daehyun’s mouth.
Jongup scrubbed his palms over his eyes, “You all knew he was mine. Everyone knew it. Even my parents knew about it.”
Yongguk let him go when Junhong slumped, the fight going out of him. “I was sick, Jongup. I didn’t know what I was doing. You don’t know what it was like feeling like there’s a dozen voices inside you pulling you every which way. You don’t know how many times I wished I was dead. And Himchan,” He took a deep breath. “Himchan was the same way. Only for different reasons. We both needed to forget how much we hated ourselves for ten minutes.”
“But why did you stay together then?” Jongup rubbed a thumb over his sore lip and winced when it came away red with his blood. “Why didn’t you stop when you got better and didn’t need him anymore?”
“I’m not dating Himchan,” He told him impatiently. “I never have. He’s my friend, he’s my best friend actually. I still need him just as much as I did back then but it’s different now. I need to know he’s okay or I can’t be okay. He did this for you. He forced himself to get cleaned up and come here tonight because he wanted to tell you he was sorry. That he knows he was an idiot, and trust me when I say that he hated himself a lot more than you could have hated him.” When he noticed Jongup’s eyes glistening in the dim room he grew even angrier. This could have all been avoided if they had acted like grownups for five seconds. “You’re all he’s thought about every single second of every single horrible day since he left the band. And you basically just told him you wished he was still a drug addict.”
“You’re lying,” Jongup shook his head and refused to listen. “You’re just trying to make yourself look better so I won’t punch you back. Just admit it, just tell me you love-“
“I’m in love with Daehyun.”
The news was unexpected to everyone in the room, Junhong included. He didn’t know why he’d said that, he hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, but now that it was out there he felt a hundred pounds of stress lift off his back.
“I love Daehyun,” He repeated quietly, not sure yet if he could look his boyfriend in the eyes. “Not Himchan.”
There was silence as each person in the room tried to process the news in a different way. Right when Yongguk opened his mouth to ask a question Junhong’s phone beeped loudly.
“Got him,” Junhong grabbed it and raced out the door, partially to find Himchan and a little bit because he was terrified of everyone’s reaction.
It wasn’t until he reached the next block that Jongup caught up with him, panting from trying to keep up with Junhong’s longer legs.
“What’s he doing?” He gasped when Junhong stopped to check the map. “Where did he go?”
“Nowhere good,” Junhong replied distractedly. They were two blocks away from the tiny pinpoint blinking on his screen. He prayed under his breath as they ran that they weren’t too late. “Next corner.”
They found Himchan slumped on top of a milk crate behind a grocery store, head in his hands and body rocking rhythmically to whatever he was mumbling under his breath.
“Himchan?” Junhong held an arm up in front of Jongup, not sure if Himchan would be able to handle seeing him if he was using again. “Channie?”
“I told you I couldn’t do this,” Himchan squeezed his arms around his head and rocked harder. “I told you. People like me don’t get better, Junhong.”
He stepped forward slowly until he could kneel and gently peel Himchan’s arms off of his head. “Yes you can. You did so good, Channie. We’re all proud of you. Even if you mess up. You just have to start over and try again until you get it right. No one’s disappointed in you.”
“I called him,” Himchan lifted his head and blinked unfocused eyes at Junhong. “He knows people everywhere.” His fists had been clenched the entire time and he finally opened his left hand. A matchbook-sized baggie of pills was crumpled up inside of it. “It was all I could afford.”
Junhong quickly swiped the bag out of his hand and placed it in his own suit pocket. “Did you take any?” He didn’t get an answer so he gripped Himchan’s cheeks and shook him slightly. “Himchan. Pay attention. Did you take one?”
“I just wanted to tell him I was sorry,” Himchan hung his head and gripped at Junhong’s arms. “I wanted to apologize and then go home and that would be it. How stupid was I.”
The icy glare Junhong shot Jongup warned him to stay back. “You weren’t stupid. He was. He hasn’t seen how hard you worked to pull yourself out of it. If he did he would know you didn’t deserve what he said to you.”
The other boys finally caught up to them and stopped beside Jongup. Daehyun was wheezing and holding his chest, his eyes moving rapidly between the two boys in the alley.
“I want to go home now,” Himchan rose unsteadily to his feet and let Junhong wrap an arm around his waist, his face buried into the taller boy’s neck. “I want to call my parents.”
“Okay,” Junhong led him past the three boys, Himchan still oblivious to what was happening around him. “Yongguk, get my keys out of my pocket and run and get the car. We’ll meet you halfway.”
It was strange for the youngest to be ordering the oldest around but none of them noticed, Yongguk nodding and jumping to attention.
Daehyun grabbed onto the other side of Himchan and helped support his weight as Junhong half-carried him toward the street.
“What about J-“
“Forget about him,” Junhong cut him off. “He’s not ever coming near Himchan again.”
---
They made it back to the car without any more words, Jongup following silently behind them.
Daehyun immediately climbed into the backseat and held his hands out. When Himchan was safely in beside him, Daehyun pushed his head into his lap and carded his fingers through the sweat-dampened head.
“Let me come.”
“You have ten seconds to get as far away from us as possible or I swear to God I will do worse damage than a hit to the jaw,” Junhong warned him.
Jongup stood beside the car door and watched as Daehyun murmured softly to the boy in his lap.
“You and Himchan never…” He closed his eyes and gripped the car’s roof with a white-knuckled grip. “This whole time?”
Junhong slammed the back door shut and whirled around to face him. “Five seconds.”
The resigned nod Jongup gave him as he stepped away almost made Junhong feel sorry for the way he was treating him. But then he remembered the bag of pills in his pocket and he decided he wanted to punch him again.
“If you care about Himchan at all you will leave us alone tonight,” He finally acquiesced. “Let me take care of him the same way I always have and you can maybe talk to him tomorrow. If he is up to it,” And if he didn’t already fall off the wagon and ruin everything, was unspoken.
Jongup covered his mouth and turned away, his stride back into the reception hall was jerky and uncoordinated but Junhong knew he would do what he had asked of him. He knew that if Jongup truly meant the horrible things he had said that he wouldn’t be so brokenhearted right now. He just wished Jongup had waited to hear Himchan out before tearing out his heart and stomping on it.
“I’ll tell Jae what’s going on and meet you guys back at the hotel,” Yongguk placed a hand on Junhong’s shoulder and smiled awkwardly at him. “You and Dae huh.”
He shrugged, catching Daehyun’s eye in the backseat. “Is it weird?”
Yongguk laughed. “Kid, this whole night’s been weird. I’m pretty much convinced everything that’s happened has been a dream.” He chuckled to himself as he walked off.
“You ready?” He adjusted his mirror and looked at Daehyun through it. Daehyun nodded, his full attention on Himchan at the moment. “Okay Himchan, we’re leaving. You’re doing great.”
The town was half-empty and quiet so Junhong raced through all of the red lights he hit on the way, only having to stop once for a woman on a bike who yelled at him as he slammed on his brakes.
“Himchan, I’m going to ask you again,” He tried to keep his voice level but he was worried it bordered on hysterical. “Please answer me this time. Did you take anything?”
The silence from the backseat was terrifying.
Finally Himchan pulled himself up to a sitting position and rubbed at his swollen eyes.
“No.”
The word was flat and robotic but Junhong gave a deep sigh of relief and relaxed into the seat.
“I almost did,” Himchan tugged at the hem to his suit jacket and pulled at a stray string. “I had it in my hand.”
“What stopped you?” Daehyun curled himself around him and brought Himchan closer to him again. “We weren’t there to help you.”
He stared out the window. “My mom. I broke her heart once. I won’t do it to her again.”
They reached the hotel and Himchan gladly let them pull him towards the room. He sunk into the giant bed and groaned in relief.
“You need a shower,” Junhong told him before walking into the bathroom and flushing the pills in the toilet. “Let me call your parents while you’re in there and fill them in. Your mom would be freaked out if you called her sounding as near death as you do.” He flipped Himchan over and patted his stomach. “If it makes you feel any better, I gave him a fat lip.”
Himchan snorted and grabbed for the pillow Junhong had ripped away from him. “That does help a little. Thanks Junhong.” He sat up and stretched his back until there was a satisfying crack. “And thanks to you too, Daehyun. I’m sorry you had to see me so upset like that.” He smiled sadly. “Jongup tends to do that to me.”
Daehyun shrugged, “Don’t worry about me. I just wish I had known you two were together back then. It would have made everything that’s happened a little less confusing.”
They waited until they heard the shower start up to finally look at each other.
“So you love me.”
“Jesus,” Junhong winced. “You just jumped right in there. Couldn’t you have given me a couple days before bringing it up?”
Daehyun grabbed for the tie hanging around Junhong’s neck and pulled his head down. “It’s been almost eight months, you giant baby. If you didn’t love me by now I would be a little worried.”
“Maybe I’m just using you to because you’re better than the medicine.”
“Maybe I’m okay with that,” Daehyun still had to stand on his toes to reach Junhong’s lips but the warm brush against his own was always worth the shame at having to reach for it.
Junhong leaned closer so that he could press his cheek against the fluttering pulse in the smaller boy’s neck. “I didn’t mean that,” He could admit it now that his face was hidden from Daehyun’s eyes. “About the medicine.”
“I know,” Daehyun’s fingers were warm against the skin of his back as he expertly tugged at the tucked-in shirt Junhong’s pants. “I’ve been in love with you since you spent fifty dollars trying to win me that stupid fish doll at the fair and finally got mad and stole it when the worker wasn’t looking.”
“He had big lips,” Junhong flicked a tongue against the quickening pulse under him. “It looked like you.”
He could feel hear Himchan dropping something in the shower and it jerked him out of his Daehyun-fueled haze. The eyes looking back at him when he lifted his head were heavy and needy but that would have to wait. They had to take care of Himchan first.
“I love you too, by the way,” Daehyun spoke up as Junhong searched for Himchan’s mother in his contact list. “Just in case you were wondering.”
---
It was two in the morning before they managed to force Himchan into bed and almost three when he finally drifted off into a fitful sleep. They had spent an entire hour trying to convince his mother that no, she really didn’t need to drive up tonight and get him, he was perfectly safe with Junhong.
Yongguk offered to stay up and keep watch in case Himchan needed anything. “I’m used to being up all night,” He supplied, grinning as he showed off a video his wife had sent him during the wedding. “He’s trying to talk. All he does is make noises and laugh all day.”
“Are you sure he’s your kid?” Daehyun murmured so that only Junhong could hear.
“Thanks Gukkie,” He smiled but couldn’t hold it on his face for very long. “I’m beat. It’s been a long day and I still have to drive Himchan home before heading towards my own home tomorrow.”
They gently rolled the snoring boy to the edge of the bed so they could lie down. Daehyun climbed into the middle and patted the empty spot next to him. “Want me to rub your head?”
He nodded gratefully and sunk into the sheets made blissfully warm from Himchan being there a few seconds before. It took all of his willpower to at least kiss Daehyun goodnight before he closed his eyes and fell into an immediate sleep.
“Still weird,” Was the last thing he heard Yongguk say before all he knew was blackness.
---
“And you’ve got your cellphone?”
Himchan yawned and held up his phone, waving it in Junhong’s face.
“And some water? It’s a long way home and I don’t want you to get sick.”
He very obviously held the water bottle in his other hand but he waved it over his head anyway to humor his friend.
“And what about-“
“I swear Junhong, if you don’t leave him alone I’m taking back the I love you’s,” Daehyun kicked at the suitcase at his feet. “Hurry up and take Himchan home because it’s already going to be supper time when you get back and you still have to cook for me.”
They obediently got to their feet and reached for their bags, stepping over a sleeping Yongguk sprawled across the floor.
“Leave him,” Junhong told them. “Check-out isn’t until noon and I left set his alarm. He needs the rest. Keep guard all night, my ass,” He mumbled under his breath as they opened the door.
At least Youngjae had picked a pretty time of year to have his wedding. The weather was warm but they still carried jackets just in case. Himchan closed his eyes and breathed deeply when they came outside. It smelled like freshly cut grass and sunshine and it gave him a tiny bump of energy when he greatly needed it.
“I hope my car’s still at the reception hall,” Daehyun grumbled, struggling to keep up with the taller boys. “This seems like a quiet town. You don’t think anyone would mess with it right? I spent a lot of money on th-“
“Well at least I did some damage,” Junhong interrupted him. They halted in the middle of the parking lot and stared at the slumped figure beside their car. “Maybe I should do both sides to make it even.”
Jongup scrambled to his feet and palmed the red and blue bruise marring his jaw, “I’d let you but I really don’t want you to.” He locked eyes with Himchan in the back of their group and stepped towards them. “Himchan.” When Daehyun intercepted him, eyes more venomous than Junhong’s, he stopped and held his hands up beside him. “I just want to talk to him. Calmly. And alone.”
“Over my dead body.”
“It’s okay,” Himchan placed a hand on Daehyun’s tightened shoulders. “It’s okay, Dae. I’m fine.”
Junhong popped the trunk to the car and put their suitcases inside. He slid his fingers into Daehyun’s and dared anyone to say something about it. “We’re going to go across the street for breakfast.” He pointed to the small diner promising homemade waffles on their sign. “I can see you from the window. And I will be watching.”
Before they left he gave one final admiring glance to the puffiness his hit had given Jongup’s otherwise perfect skin. “Damn, I’m good.”
They were silent as they waited for the two boys to cross the street and move out of earshot. Finally, Jongup turned back to him and sighed loudly. “This entire damn time Himchan. Every day for years. You two together is all I’ve thought about. And come to find out he’s been dating Daehyun?”
“I thought you hated me.”
“No,” Jongup shook his head and tried to smile but couldn’t figure out how to make it work so he gave up. “Never.”
They didn’t know what to do and the silence grew to an uncomfortable level but Himchan didn’t care. He had spent so long imagining what an older Jongup would look like and it was everything he had dreamed of. Last night it had been bad lighting and bad timing but today he could take it all in, remember every part of him to take home.
“I was horrible to Junhong,” Jongup admitted quietly, glancing across the street to see Junhong point at his eyes and then point to him. “I ignored his calls and was rude every time he showed up to see me. I couldn’t look at him and not remember that night.” His fists clenched before he shook his head and came back to the present. “Were you high that night? Or did you do it knowing what was happening?”
“Mainly drunk,” Himchan told him softly. “A little high.”
He nodded, eyes swinging back up to meet his. “I don’t love her.”
“It’s not my business,” He wasn’t going to ruin things for Jongup, he promised himself. “Maybe now that you have closure with me you can try harder with her.”
Jongup stared him down so deeply that Himchan thought he could see straight into his heart and through his soul.
“I never wanted closure,” Jongup finally replied. “I only wanted you.”
It wasn’t enough, not anymore. Sweet words were fine when they were younger and softer and full of dreams of what the world was like.
But Himchan was older and tired and he craved safety. Jongup wasn’t safe. It would burn him alive and turn him to ashes.
“That man I was in those days isn’t here anymore, Jongup,” He felt for the phone in his pocket, confident that if he called him Junhong would come running to save him. “I’m sorry. I wish he was,” He would give anything to be the person who deserved Jongup’s heart, he would die a thousand deaths to have him again. “Go home to your fiancé. Get married and have a good life. For me.”
Jongup wiped at the wetness threatening to leak from the corner of his eyes. “It’s not fair.”
“I know,” A lot of things that happened in the last few years didn’t feel fair. “I know it’s not. I wish we could start over, too,” He reached for Jongup’s hand, the skin rough under his palm. Electric currents spiked through his body and he quickly withdrew his touch, not wanting to push himself over the edge again. “But I can’t like this, Jonguppie. If I lost you again I wouldn’t make it through it this time.”
“That night we slept together,” Jongup steadied himself and licked his chapped lips, lips that Himchan still dreamed about sometimes. “Did you mean it when you told me you loved me? Or was it the drugs talking?”
He could see Junhong standing at the window, hands cupped around his face as he tried to see better through the bright sunlight. When he finally caught a glimpse of the devastation spread across Himchan’s face he grabbed Daehyun and headed towards the exit.
“I meant it.”
“Okay, enough talking,” Junhong barreled his way across the road, ignoring the honk from a caught off guard driver. “I gave you ten minutes and now I’m going to have to spend the entire five hour drive home trying to pull him out of whatever you did.” He grabbed Himchan and pushed him towards the front seat of his car.
If he’d been a better person he would have fought him, tried to say one more apology to the boy whose heart was as crushed as his own, but all of the fight was out of him and he let Junhong shove him down into the seat without speaking.
“You good?” Junhong buckled himself in and patted his knee as he pulled out of the parking lot, leaving Jongup far behind them. “He say anything else I should punch him for? Because I’m itching to. I don’t really need a good reason.”
“I’m fine,” He meant it, too. His heart felt free after telling Jongup what he had been waiting so long to do. “Really.”
Daehyun watched until they turned the corner and couldn’t see Jongup standing alone in the parking lot anymore. “I think Himchan already punched him right in the heart,” He remarked with a frown. “Why was he crying?”
He didn’t answer, pulling his phone out and texting his mom that they were heading home.
“I’m hungry,” Himchan felt the stirrings of hunger in his gut for the first time in ages. “Let’s get some burgers. With fries.” His stomach made an angry growl. “No. Onion rings.”
He was going to be okay, he promised himself. Nothing could ever be as hard as walking away from the person he loved but knowing it was for the best. And if someday down the line they tried again maybe it would work. But right now he was smiling and he was alive and the only high he craved was the one he would get when he walked through the front door and hugged his parents.
Everything would be okay.
A/N Not sure if I will put the DaeLo chapter under the When We Were Kings title or make them their own special one but it should be coming next.
Pairing: HimUp, DaeLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 6.4K
Time will save you,
You don't need to save yourself.
And if you need me now, you know I am here.
For the deepest scars disappear.
- (X)
His hands twitched with the need to reach out and touch Jongup but his brain finally came back online and he stopped dead still in the center of the room.
“Hi.”
Jongup stared at him calmly, but his eyes betrayed him. He looked between Himchan and Junhong with sadness and resignation.
“Hi,” He finally said back. “It’s been a long time.”
“Seems like forever,” Himchan agreed. “How are you?”
Jongup shrugged, eyes still moving between them. “Why is Junhong still here? Can’t you two stay away from each other for fifteen minutes?”
The anger in his voice surprised Himchan. He looked back towards Junhong with confusion.
“I told you I’m not leaving him alone with you unless he specifically asks me to,” Junhong shut the door behind him and leaned against it. “And even then I reserve the right to say no.”
“So do you two just enjoy rubbing it into my face then?” The stony façade cracked for a split second and the old Jongup emerged, the one with needy eyes that Himchan could never say no to. “You both stomped on my heart and made me feel like the world’s biggest fool and I can’t even get ten seconds to just apologize so I can go home and forget this night even happened?”
He broke off with a choked sob and covered his face with a shaky palm. Himchan and Junhong traded equal looks of hesitation.
“What do you possibly have to apologize for?” He started to take another step forward but Junhong’s warning hand on his arm held him back. “Jongup. Why do you think you need to apologize to me?”
Jongup took a ragged breath before carefully composing his features back into the cold Jongup-mask they had first encountered.
“It’s my fault you were left alone that night. I knew you were a drug addict and I knew Junhong was out of control. If I hadn’t of ignored you after,” He swallowed and Himchan knew he was remembering the hard kisses and tender words of that night, “After we slept together, you wouldn’t have gotten so bad.”
“Jesus Jongup,” He thought he had every version of this conversation planned, every possible scenario there could be was calculated and prepared for, but he had never expected this. “That was all on me. On us,” He motioned beside him to a frozen Junhong. “We both share the blame for that night equally. You had nothing to do with it. We were sick and we used each other to get through a rough night. That’s all.”
The tiny boy looked even more frail as he shook his head, fingertips swiping at his wet cheeks. “I wanted to make you suffer. I thought that if I refused to even look at you that you would love me enough to try harder,” He laughed humorlessly and closed his eyes. “I really was a fool.”
Himchan didn’t know what he could possibly do to defuse this unexpected situation. He had always imagined Jongup hating him and their first meeting being full of screaming and fury and everything this moment was not.
“I’m glad you’re getting better,” Jongup continued. His voice was back to the blasé tone that tried to show he didn’t care at all. “And that you two are happy. I was angry at you both for a long time and I’m sorry.” He shrugged. “At least I know you’ll take care of each other.”
By the time Junhong and Himchan had processed his words and realized what assumptions he had made, Jongup was already halfway to the door.
Himchan reached out the mere inches to where Jongup was apart from him and encircled his wrist. He tried to open his mouth and tell Jongup that he was so completely wrong on so many levels but he first he had to get past the realization that he was touching him for the first time in years.
“Jongup…” Junhong took action and held his hands up. “I know it’s my fault that you have the wrong idea but believe me, you have the absolute worst idea.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jongup shook Himchan’s touch free and smiled weakly at him. “I got over you a long time ago. This was just something I needed to get off my chest.”
He wanted to tell Jongup that he might be over him, but that the same could never be true for him.
“I loved you,” Jongup shoved the final dagger into his heart. “But I could never be with a drug addicted loser.”
The split-second decision Junhong was faced with as Jongup exited the room was either to follow his former best friend and give him the beating of his life, or rush towards Himchan as he dissolved against the floor.
“Shh,” He held Himchan against his chest and smoothed fingers through his hair. The cruel words Jongup had flung at him on his way out were settling into his pores and climbing their way up his bloodstream. He needed his pills, he needed his whiskey, he need a Jongup-high. “Just stay calm and breathe and we’ll get everything sorted out. He’s angry at the both of us, not just you, don’t put all of this on yourself.”
He didn’t even hear what Junhong was saying to comfort him, his entire body was screaming for relief. Even though he had wanted Jongup angry at him he didn’t want to be torn down to get it. He wanted closure and apologies, not to be tortured.
“I’m going to get Yongguk,” Junhong promised, setting him against the wall and squeezing his hands. “Don’t move, don’t think, don’t do anything but wait for us. We’ll take you out of here.”
With one final look back he rushed through the back towards the crowd of people already up and dancing, making the room seem larger and harder to maneuver than before.
Himchan’s chest was tight and he hated himself for falling apart over this, but it was too late. There was only one thing left that would help cure him.
He knew when he left rehab that he should have deleted the phone number. It was pure idiocy to leave it there in his phone book, dangling in his face like a carrot. He told himself every night to erase it but a tiny part of him was never rehabilitated. That small insignificant piece of his soul told him to keep it for when he was tired of pretending.
“Yeah.”
He named Youngjae’s town and waited.
“You’ve been quiet,” The Ninja questioned.
“Please,” He named the town again and swallowed raggedly, the pressure building to a breaking point in his head. “It’s an emergency.”
“Give me ten minutes. I’ll text you an address.”
There were no goodbyes, the phone beeped loudly in his ear letting him know the call was disconnected. Himchan shoved it back into his pocket and climbed to his feet. He hoped the door behind the desk led outside because there was no way he could go back through the party and face everyone like this. His deceit would be splattered all over his face and everyone would know how pathetic he really was.
“I’m sorry Junhong,” He murmured as he stood on the threshold, teetering on his heels between the safety of the office and the unknown of outside. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
His phone buzzed in his pocket.
Corner of 17th and Main. Behind the movie theater.
He took a deep breath and stepped out.
---
Junhong stormed through the room, not hearing the greetings from the thick crowd as he shoved people out of his way. Yongguk was where he had left him, head on his arms and Daehyun chattering beside him not caring that his tablemate wasn’t paying attention.
“Get up,” He slapped Yongguk’s arm hard enough to make him hiss and come to full alertness. “We have to get Himchan out of here.”
“What’s wrong?” Daehyun was oblivious to the drama that had been building behind the scenes but he knew the expression on Junhong’s face meant pure fury. “Where’s Himchan? Is he okay?”
“No,” He tried to convey to Yongguk with his eyes what was going on and thankfully it worked, his lips slackening and curses pouring from them as he stumbled to his feet. “We have to hurry.”
Daehyun jumped up to, all previous traces of humor gone and body stiff. “I’ll get Jongup to help.”
They barred his way, Yongguk crossing his ams and sighing at Junhong.
“He deserves to know.”
“Himchan doesn’t want anyone else to know,” Junhong looked desperately towards the corner where the hallway started. They didn’t have time for this. Himchan needed them and every second they were away it would only get worse.
Yongguk grabbed Daehyun by the wrist and pulled him along behind them, neither managing to keep up with a racing Junhong. By the time they made it back to the offices Junhong was already inside tearing it apart and yelling for Himchan.
“He’s gone,” His heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Why would he he leave? “Did you pass him?” Where could he possibly go?
“No,” Yongguk tried to assess the situation calmer than Junhong was. “Where does that door lead?”
They opened it to reveal the night air and Junhong let out a quiet moan. They all knew what Himchan was going to do and it wasn’t good.
“Pick up, pick up,” Junhong chanted, trying to reach him on his cellphone. He didn’t expect an answer but still felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes when it rang through to voicemail. “His mom put a tracker on his phone. It will take a while but I can narrow it down pretty close.” The app pulled up a map of the world and slowly started to spin as it tried to locate one phone in billions.
Daehyun stood at the doorway, full of confusion and growing anger at being left out of whatever they were talking about. He silently slipped out of the room and tiptoed back to the party, eyes scanning for the person he was looking for.
He finally spotted Jongup making his way to the door, his fiancé’s fingers gripped tight in his hand as he dragged her along.
“But I’m having fun! I don’t want to leave!”
“What did you do?” He jumped in front of his red-faced former band member and poked a finger sharply into his shoulder. “What did you do to him?”
Jongup shoved him away, snarling at the accusation. “Nothing he wouldn’t have done to me. Get out of the way Daehyun. We’re leaving.”
“I’m not,” She wriggled free and smoothed her skirt down. “He gets like this sometimes, Daehyunnie. Just take him somewhere and let him break something and he’ll calm down.” With a grin that showed she got exactly what she wanted, she turned and flounced back into the crowd of partygoers.
“What did you do to him?” Neither noticed her departure. Daehyun was still staring remorsefully at someone he thought he knew. “You’re the only person who could send him back to that. You’re the only one who could destroy every piece of dignity he’s built back up.” Anger coursed through him when he thought of what Himchan was going through right now, what he was planning on doing. “So what,” He took a step forward, so close now to Jongup that he could see the muscles tightening around his frightened eyes. “Did you do?”
Jongup licked his lips and looked away. “I told him exactly what I thought of him.”
“That you thought the sun rose out of his mouth and a fairy was born every time he laughed?” At Jongup’s confused glance, Daehyun rolled his eyes. “We all had eyes, Jongup.” The time for talking had gone on long enough. Every second they wasted was another step Himchan took towards ruining everything he had done for himself. “Come on.”
“It’s put him in Korea. We’re getting there,” Junhong updated him as he reentered the office. He didn’t look up from his phone until Yongguk’s chest rumbled with a predatory growl. “What the fuck is he doing here?” He pushed himself off from the edge of the desk and stormed towards Jongup. Before the others could open their mouths to protest Junhong had already sent the smaller boy sprawling onto the ground, hand cupping his jaw.
“I deserved that,” Jongup sat hunched over until the pain started to subside. When he finally lifted his head they could see the reddening skin around his mouth that was rapidly starting to swell. “But I’m pretty sure you deserve one, too.”
Junhong was so furious that the room was starting to blur around the corners and all he could see was Jongup with a giant target sign on his face. He started towards him again but Yongguk was quicker this time and yanked his arms behind his back to hold him still.
“This won’t help find Himchan,” He chastised him firmly. “Kick his ass later.”
“What do you mean?” Jongup was still shaky as he climbed to his feet. “Where did Himchan go?”
“To screw everything up,” He spat at him, still struggling to free himself from Yongguk’s grip. “Because of you.”
Jongup looked between the three with a frown. “I don’t really see how my opinion did anything. You all made it crystal clear a long time ago that my feelings don’t matter.”
Daehyun growled and stomped a foot onto the ground. “Would someone please tell me what’s going on here?”
They had forgotten there was someone in the room who wasn’t caught up with everything and it took them a few moments to process Daehyun’s request. Finally, everything clicked for Jongup first and he threw his head back with a laugh.
“What, are you two embarrassed to let the rest of the band know? You don’t mind shoveling your shit all over me but Daehyun is lucky enough to stay out of it?” With a sneer he motioned his head towards Junhong. “Him and Himchan have been dating since the band broke up.”
The unexpected news shocked Daehyun and he looked at Junhong with wide eyes as everything started to finally make sense. If Jongup thought he was going to be on his side he was sorely mistaken when Daehyun finally chuckled.
“Did you make him think that?” He shook his head, eyes twinkling with amusement as Junhong flushed with embarrassment. “This whole time, you flaunted Himchan in front of him, didn’t you. That’s horrible, Junhonggie.”
“He started it,” Junhong muttered back. “Refusing to speak to me until I ambushed him at work. Making me feel like I committed adultery when I didn’t even know they had slept together!”
“What? Really? When did you two sl-“
“I’ll fill you in later,” Yongguk whispered, slapping a hand over Daehyun’s mouth.
Jongup scrubbed his palms over his eyes, “You all knew he was mine. Everyone knew it. Even my parents knew about it.”
Yongguk let him go when Junhong slumped, the fight going out of him. “I was sick, Jongup. I didn’t know what I was doing. You don’t know what it was like feeling like there’s a dozen voices inside you pulling you every which way. You don’t know how many times I wished I was dead. And Himchan,” He took a deep breath. “Himchan was the same way. Only for different reasons. We both needed to forget how much we hated ourselves for ten minutes.”
“But why did you stay together then?” Jongup rubbed a thumb over his sore lip and winced when it came away red with his blood. “Why didn’t you stop when you got better and didn’t need him anymore?”
“I’m not dating Himchan,” He told him impatiently. “I never have. He’s my friend, he’s my best friend actually. I still need him just as much as I did back then but it’s different now. I need to know he’s okay or I can’t be okay. He did this for you. He forced himself to get cleaned up and come here tonight because he wanted to tell you he was sorry. That he knows he was an idiot, and trust me when I say that he hated himself a lot more than you could have hated him.” When he noticed Jongup’s eyes glistening in the dim room he grew even angrier. This could have all been avoided if they had acted like grownups for five seconds. “You’re all he’s thought about every single second of every single horrible day since he left the band. And you basically just told him you wished he was still a drug addict.”
“You’re lying,” Jongup shook his head and refused to listen. “You’re just trying to make yourself look better so I won’t punch you back. Just admit it, just tell me you love-“
“I’m in love with Daehyun.”
The news was unexpected to everyone in the room, Junhong included. He didn’t know why he’d said that, he hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that, but now that it was out there he felt a hundred pounds of stress lift off his back.
“I love Daehyun,” He repeated quietly, not sure yet if he could look his boyfriend in the eyes. “Not Himchan.”
There was silence as each person in the room tried to process the news in a different way. Right when Yongguk opened his mouth to ask a question Junhong’s phone beeped loudly.
“Got him,” Junhong grabbed it and raced out the door, partially to find Himchan and a little bit because he was terrified of everyone’s reaction.
It wasn’t until he reached the next block that Jongup caught up with him, panting from trying to keep up with Junhong’s longer legs.
“What’s he doing?” He gasped when Junhong stopped to check the map. “Where did he go?”
“Nowhere good,” Junhong replied distractedly. They were two blocks away from the tiny pinpoint blinking on his screen. He prayed under his breath as they ran that they weren’t too late. “Next corner.”
They found Himchan slumped on top of a milk crate behind a grocery store, head in his hands and body rocking rhythmically to whatever he was mumbling under his breath.
“Himchan?” Junhong held an arm up in front of Jongup, not sure if Himchan would be able to handle seeing him if he was using again. “Channie?”
“I told you I couldn’t do this,” Himchan squeezed his arms around his head and rocked harder. “I told you. People like me don’t get better, Junhong.”
He stepped forward slowly until he could kneel and gently peel Himchan’s arms off of his head. “Yes you can. You did so good, Channie. We’re all proud of you. Even if you mess up. You just have to start over and try again until you get it right. No one’s disappointed in you.”
“I called him,” Himchan lifted his head and blinked unfocused eyes at Junhong. “He knows people everywhere.” His fists had been clenched the entire time and he finally opened his left hand. A matchbook-sized baggie of pills was crumpled up inside of it. “It was all I could afford.”
Junhong quickly swiped the bag out of his hand and placed it in his own suit pocket. “Did you take any?” He didn’t get an answer so he gripped Himchan’s cheeks and shook him slightly. “Himchan. Pay attention. Did you take one?”
“I just wanted to tell him I was sorry,” Himchan hung his head and gripped at Junhong’s arms. “I wanted to apologize and then go home and that would be it. How stupid was I.”
The icy glare Junhong shot Jongup warned him to stay back. “You weren’t stupid. He was. He hasn’t seen how hard you worked to pull yourself out of it. If he did he would know you didn’t deserve what he said to you.”
The other boys finally caught up to them and stopped beside Jongup. Daehyun was wheezing and holding his chest, his eyes moving rapidly between the two boys in the alley.
“I want to go home now,” Himchan rose unsteadily to his feet and let Junhong wrap an arm around his waist, his face buried into the taller boy’s neck. “I want to call my parents.”
“Okay,” Junhong led him past the three boys, Himchan still oblivious to what was happening around him. “Yongguk, get my keys out of my pocket and run and get the car. We’ll meet you halfway.”
It was strange for the youngest to be ordering the oldest around but none of them noticed, Yongguk nodding and jumping to attention.
Daehyun grabbed onto the other side of Himchan and helped support his weight as Junhong half-carried him toward the street.
“What about J-“
“Forget about him,” Junhong cut him off. “He’s not ever coming near Himchan again.”
---
They made it back to the car without any more words, Jongup following silently behind them.
Daehyun immediately climbed into the backseat and held his hands out. When Himchan was safely in beside him, Daehyun pushed his head into his lap and carded his fingers through the sweat-dampened head.
“Let me come.”
“You have ten seconds to get as far away from us as possible or I swear to God I will do worse damage than a hit to the jaw,” Junhong warned him.
Jongup stood beside the car door and watched as Daehyun murmured softly to the boy in his lap.
“You and Himchan never…” He closed his eyes and gripped the car’s roof with a white-knuckled grip. “This whole time?”
Junhong slammed the back door shut and whirled around to face him. “Five seconds.”
The resigned nod Jongup gave him as he stepped away almost made Junhong feel sorry for the way he was treating him. But then he remembered the bag of pills in his pocket and he decided he wanted to punch him again.
“If you care about Himchan at all you will leave us alone tonight,” He finally acquiesced. “Let me take care of him the same way I always have and you can maybe talk to him tomorrow. If he is up to it,” And if he didn’t already fall off the wagon and ruin everything, was unspoken.
Jongup covered his mouth and turned away, his stride back into the reception hall was jerky and uncoordinated but Junhong knew he would do what he had asked of him. He knew that if Jongup truly meant the horrible things he had said that he wouldn’t be so brokenhearted right now. He just wished Jongup had waited to hear Himchan out before tearing out his heart and stomping on it.
“I’ll tell Jae what’s going on and meet you guys back at the hotel,” Yongguk placed a hand on Junhong’s shoulder and smiled awkwardly at him. “You and Dae huh.”
He shrugged, catching Daehyun’s eye in the backseat. “Is it weird?”
Yongguk laughed. “Kid, this whole night’s been weird. I’m pretty much convinced everything that’s happened has been a dream.” He chuckled to himself as he walked off.
“You ready?” He adjusted his mirror and looked at Daehyun through it. Daehyun nodded, his full attention on Himchan at the moment. “Okay Himchan, we’re leaving. You’re doing great.”
The town was half-empty and quiet so Junhong raced through all of the red lights he hit on the way, only having to stop once for a woman on a bike who yelled at him as he slammed on his brakes.
“Himchan, I’m going to ask you again,” He tried to keep his voice level but he was worried it bordered on hysterical. “Please answer me this time. Did you take anything?”
The silence from the backseat was terrifying.
Finally Himchan pulled himself up to a sitting position and rubbed at his swollen eyes.
“No.”
The word was flat and robotic but Junhong gave a deep sigh of relief and relaxed into the seat.
“I almost did,” Himchan tugged at the hem to his suit jacket and pulled at a stray string. “I had it in my hand.”
“What stopped you?” Daehyun curled himself around him and brought Himchan closer to him again. “We weren’t there to help you.”
He stared out the window. “My mom. I broke her heart once. I won’t do it to her again.”
They reached the hotel and Himchan gladly let them pull him towards the room. He sunk into the giant bed and groaned in relief.
“You need a shower,” Junhong told him before walking into the bathroom and flushing the pills in the toilet. “Let me call your parents while you’re in there and fill them in. Your mom would be freaked out if you called her sounding as near death as you do.” He flipped Himchan over and patted his stomach. “If it makes you feel any better, I gave him a fat lip.”
Himchan snorted and grabbed for the pillow Junhong had ripped away from him. “That does help a little. Thanks Junhong.” He sat up and stretched his back until there was a satisfying crack. “And thanks to you too, Daehyun. I’m sorry you had to see me so upset like that.” He smiled sadly. “Jongup tends to do that to me.”
Daehyun shrugged, “Don’t worry about me. I just wish I had known you two were together back then. It would have made everything that’s happened a little less confusing.”
They waited until they heard the shower start up to finally look at each other.
“So you love me.”
“Jesus,” Junhong winced. “You just jumped right in there. Couldn’t you have given me a couple days before bringing it up?”
Daehyun grabbed for the tie hanging around Junhong’s neck and pulled his head down. “It’s been almost eight months, you giant baby. If you didn’t love me by now I would be a little worried.”
“Maybe I’m just using you to because you’re better than the medicine.”
“Maybe I’m okay with that,” Daehyun still had to stand on his toes to reach Junhong’s lips but the warm brush against his own was always worth the shame at having to reach for it.
Junhong leaned closer so that he could press his cheek against the fluttering pulse in the smaller boy’s neck. “I didn’t mean that,” He could admit it now that his face was hidden from Daehyun’s eyes. “About the medicine.”
“I know,” Daehyun’s fingers were warm against the skin of his back as he expertly tugged at the tucked-in shirt Junhong’s pants. “I’ve been in love with you since you spent fifty dollars trying to win me that stupid fish doll at the fair and finally got mad and stole it when the worker wasn’t looking.”
“He had big lips,” Junhong flicked a tongue against the quickening pulse under him. “It looked like you.”
He could feel hear Himchan dropping something in the shower and it jerked him out of his Daehyun-fueled haze. The eyes looking back at him when he lifted his head were heavy and needy but that would have to wait. They had to take care of Himchan first.
“I love you too, by the way,” Daehyun spoke up as Junhong searched for Himchan’s mother in his contact list. “Just in case you were wondering.”
---
It was two in the morning before they managed to force Himchan into bed and almost three when he finally drifted off into a fitful sleep. They had spent an entire hour trying to convince his mother that no, she really didn’t need to drive up tonight and get him, he was perfectly safe with Junhong.
Yongguk offered to stay up and keep watch in case Himchan needed anything. “I’m used to being up all night,” He supplied, grinning as he showed off a video his wife had sent him during the wedding. “He’s trying to talk. All he does is make noises and laugh all day.”
“Are you sure he’s your kid?” Daehyun murmured so that only Junhong could hear.
“Thanks Gukkie,” He smiled but couldn’t hold it on his face for very long. “I’m beat. It’s been a long day and I still have to drive Himchan home before heading towards my own home tomorrow.”
They gently rolled the snoring boy to the edge of the bed so they could lie down. Daehyun climbed into the middle and patted the empty spot next to him. “Want me to rub your head?”
He nodded gratefully and sunk into the sheets made blissfully warm from Himchan being there a few seconds before. It took all of his willpower to at least kiss Daehyun goodnight before he closed his eyes and fell into an immediate sleep.
“Still weird,” Was the last thing he heard Yongguk say before all he knew was blackness.
---
“And you’ve got your cellphone?”
Himchan yawned and held up his phone, waving it in Junhong’s face.
“And some water? It’s a long way home and I don’t want you to get sick.”
He very obviously held the water bottle in his other hand but he waved it over his head anyway to humor his friend.
“And what about-“
“I swear Junhong, if you don’t leave him alone I’m taking back the I love you’s,” Daehyun kicked at the suitcase at his feet. “Hurry up and take Himchan home because it’s already going to be supper time when you get back and you still have to cook for me.”
They obediently got to their feet and reached for their bags, stepping over a sleeping Yongguk sprawled across the floor.
“Leave him,” Junhong told them. “Check-out isn’t until noon and I left set his alarm. He needs the rest. Keep guard all night, my ass,” He mumbled under his breath as they opened the door.
At least Youngjae had picked a pretty time of year to have his wedding. The weather was warm but they still carried jackets just in case. Himchan closed his eyes and breathed deeply when they came outside. It smelled like freshly cut grass and sunshine and it gave him a tiny bump of energy when he greatly needed it.
“I hope my car’s still at the reception hall,” Daehyun grumbled, struggling to keep up with the taller boys. “This seems like a quiet town. You don’t think anyone would mess with it right? I spent a lot of money on th-“
“Well at least I did some damage,” Junhong interrupted him. They halted in the middle of the parking lot and stared at the slumped figure beside their car. “Maybe I should do both sides to make it even.”
Jongup scrambled to his feet and palmed the red and blue bruise marring his jaw, “I’d let you but I really don’t want you to.” He locked eyes with Himchan in the back of their group and stepped towards them. “Himchan.” When Daehyun intercepted him, eyes more venomous than Junhong’s, he stopped and held his hands up beside him. “I just want to talk to him. Calmly. And alone.”
“Over my dead body.”
“It’s okay,” Himchan placed a hand on Daehyun’s tightened shoulders. “It’s okay, Dae. I’m fine.”
Junhong popped the trunk to the car and put their suitcases inside. He slid his fingers into Daehyun’s and dared anyone to say something about it. “We’re going to go across the street for breakfast.” He pointed to the small diner promising homemade waffles on their sign. “I can see you from the window. And I will be watching.”
Before they left he gave one final admiring glance to the puffiness his hit had given Jongup’s otherwise perfect skin. “Damn, I’m good.”
They were silent as they waited for the two boys to cross the street and move out of earshot. Finally, Jongup turned back to him and sighed loudly. “This entire damn time Himchan. Every day for years. You two together is all I’ve thought about. And come to find out he’s been dating Daehyun?”
“I thought you hated me.”
“No,” Jongup shook his head and tried to smile but couldn’t figure out how to make it work so he gave up. “Never.”
They didn’t know what to do and the silence grew to an uncomfortable level but Himchan didn’t care. He had spent so long imagining what an older Jongup would look like and it was everything he had dreamed of. Last night it had been bad lighting and bad timing but today he could take it all in, remember every part of him to take home.
“I was horrible to Junhong,” Jongup admitted quietly, glancing across the street to see Junhong point at his eyes and then point to him. “I ignored his calls and was rude every time he showed up to see me. I couldn’t look at him and not remember that night.” His fists clenched before he shook his head and came back to the present. “Were you high that night? Or did you do it knowing what was happening?”
“Mainly drunk,” Himchan told him softly. “A little high.”
He nodded, eyes swinging back up to meet his. “I don’t love her.”
“It’s not my business,” He wasn’t going to ruin things for Jongup, he promised himself. “Maybe now that you have closure with me you can try harder with her.”
Jongup stared him down so deeply that Himchan thought he could see straight into his heart and through his soul.
“I never wanted closure,” Jongup finally replied. “I only wanted you.”
It wasn’t enough, not anymore. Sweet words were fine when they were younger and softer and full of dreams of what the world was like.
But Himchan was older and tired and he craved safety. Jongup wasn’t safe. It would burn him alive and turn him to ashes.
“That man I was in those days isn’t here anymore, Jongup,” He felt for the phone in his pocket, confident that if he called him Junhong would come running to save him. “I’m sorry. I wish he was,” He would give anything to be the person who deserved Jongup’s heart, he would die a thousand deaths to have him again. “Go home to your fiancé. Get married and have a good life. For me.”
Jongup wiped at the wetness threatening to leak from the corner of his eyes. “It’s not fair.”
“I know,” A lot of things that happened in the last few years didn’t feel fair. “I know it’s not. I wish we could start over, too,” He reached for Jongup’s hand, the skin rough under his palm. Electric currents spiked through his body and he quickly withdrew his touch, not wanting to push himself over the edge again. “But I can’t like this, Jonguppie. If I lost you again I wouldn’t make it through it this time.”
“That night we slept together,” Jongup steadied himself and licked his chapped lips, lips that Himchan still dreamed about sometimes. “Did you mean it when you told me you loved me? Or was it the drugs talking?”
He could see Junhong standing at the window, hands cupped around his face as he tried to see better through the bright sunlight. When he finally caught a glimpse of the devastation spread across Himchan’s face he grabbed Daehyun and headed towards the exit.
“I meant it.”
“Okay, enough talking,” Junhong barreled his way across the road, ignoring the honk from a caught off guard driver. “I gave you ten minutes and now I’m going to have to spend the entire five hour drive home trying to pull him out of whatever you did.” He grabbed Himchan and pushed him towards the front seat of his car.
If he’d been a better person he would have fought him, tried to say one more apology to the boy whose heart was as crushed as his own, but all of the fight was out of him and he let Junhong shove him down into the seat without speaking.
“You good?” Junhong buckled himself in and patted his knee as he pulled out of the parking lot, leaving Jongup far behind them. “He say anything else I should punch him for? Because I’m itching to. I don’t really need a good reason.”
“I’m fine,” He meant it, too. His heart felt free after telling Jongup what he had been waiting so long to do. “Really.”
Daehyun watched until they turned the corner and couldn’t see Jongup standing alone in the parking lot anymore. “I think Himchan already punched him right in the heart,” He remarked with a frown. “Why was he crying?”
He didn’t answer, pulling his phone out and texting his mom that they were heading home.
“I’m hungry,” Himchan felt the stirrings of hunger in his gut for the first time in ages. “Let’s get some burgers. With fries.” His stomach made an angry growl. “No. Onion rings.”
He was going to be okay, he promised himself. Nothing could ever be as hard as walking away from the person he loved but knowing it was for the best. And if someday down the line they tried again maybe it would work. But right now he was smiling and he was alive and the only high he craved was the one he would get when he walked through the front door and hugged his parents.
Everything would be okay.
A/N Not sure if I will put the DaeLo chapter under the When We Were Kings title or make them their own special one but it should be coming next.