After The Blues (3/3): Part Two
Part Two
“It’s been awhile since I last been here.” Yoona says casually, shrugging the jacket off her shoulders. Jessica’s eyes fall on every item she finds in the cozy looking café. She feels vaguely familiar.
“I’m getting the sandwiches.” Yoona hands the menu to the waiter.
“I’ll get whatever she’s having.” Jessica says, never leaving her eyes off Yoona. The air between falls into silence and dipped in uncertainty. Eventually, they’ll have to talk. But Jessica couldn’t find the words to say. She opens and closes her mouth. Yoona smiles a little in amusement on the ‘fish’-like look Jessica is giving. It has been really a while.
Yoona props her elbows on the table and regards Jessica comfortably, “I forgive you.”
Jessica’s brows knitted together in disbelief. “This is not a joke, Yoona.”
“I forgive you.” Yoona says one more time.
Something stirred in Jessica. It is as though she doesn’t want to believe that Yoona would forgive her easily. Moreover, she feels guiltier than ever for having to be let off easily. “Why?” She says with an edge to her tone, wary with Yoona’s sudden forgiveness. “A week ago, you were .. Is it because we..”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Jessica. Us having sex has got nothing to do with me in forgiving you.”
Jessica isn’t sure if she should be offended or not. She looks at her questioningly, pushing the girl to explain more. The discomfort is showing more and more on her face while Yoona seems to be at ease.
“I think a year of holding a grudge against you is enough, don’t you think so?” Yoona sips her tea. “Besides, it’s tiring.” Then she continues in a low voice. “Frankly, I miss you.” Jessica smiles a little at this, ignoring how shitty she feels right now.
“What happened to us?”
Yoona shrugs and stares off into the distance. “Tiffany happened.” She murmurs and sighs dejectedly.
When their meals arrived, they feasted in silence. Yoona chancing a look at Jessica while the girl chewing into her food, and vice-versa. A question is nagging into corners of Jessica’s mind. Millions of questions running through her head, about Yoona and Tiffany, about Tiffany more.
At one point, Jessica catches Yoona gazing at her, and the girl sheds faint pink and bites into her sandwich a tad too quick. “How are you?” She asks with a tinge of concern. Despite what has become of their relationship, she still does care. She realizes.
“I’ve been alright.” Yoona answers after swallowing in the last bits of her sandwich. “You can ask.” She says after a few seconds. “About her. It’s okay.”
Jessica chews her lower lip in contemplation. It is a touchy subject. Tiffany hovering over their heads still despite not being here physically. Tiffany is still very much present, following Jessica or possibly the both of them like a shadow. Everywhere, her eyes search for a maroon-clothed person instinctively.
A heaviness forming in her chest. She pushes everything that is Tiffany out of her senses. But something about this place has managed to magnify the anxiety in her and pulling the unwanted emotions back into her system. She breathes in deeply and exhales. Her hands tremor under the growing weight on her shoulders.
Yoona’s fingers wrap around Jessica’s hands, her thumb rubbing in circles to calm her. “Jessica?” She sees the lost, the resignation, the heartbreak, in Jessica’s eyes.
“What is this place?” Jessica asks out of the blue.
“The Chives.”
And without a moment to consider (when has the heart ever?), hurtful pasts and stormy feelings washes over her. She couldn’t think. She couldn’t breathe. It is as though there is a vacuum sucking in the oxygen and the energy out of the room. Her condition worsens, causing Yoona to abruptly get off from her seat and shake Jessica. Her surroundings are muted. The headache she didn’t get before, only comes now to haunt her with nails in hand to drill into.
Yoona’s persistent shaking and squeezing, Jessica surfaces into reality. The distraught looking girl lets out of a breath, finally. Strangely to Yoona, Jessica starts to laugh humorlessly. “What the hell, Jessica?” Yoona leans back to gaze at Jessica. Up close, the dark circles under Jessica’s vacant eyes becomes much more visible. “Let’s get out of here.” Yoona says with a sigh and grabs Jessica’s hand, afraid that she might lose her once more.
//
At the doorstep of the flat, Jessica turns to Yoona who has been holding her hand the whole time. “Thank you.” She says breathily, a smile etching across her lips, and squeezes the younger girl’s hand. Yoona puts her arms around Jessica, embracing her. Jessica leans her head against Yoona’s shoulder, sighing into the affection. If only love could be this simple. If only she fell in love with her instead. “I’m really sorry.” She whispers. “For everything.” They didn’t really have the talk.
Hot breath dances across her skin, below her ear. Yoona plants a soft kiss on Jessica’s neck. “I forgive you.” She mouths the words when she pulls away from Jessica. They stay that way for a moment, at arm’s length, but still closer than they have ever been before.
“Do you know why Tiffany… last year?” Jessica asks with an incomplete question.
“I don’t know.” Yoona’s gaze drops onto her feet. “It could be the heroin. I gave her stability. And you gave her love.”
Immediately, Jessica regrets asking the question when she sees the life leaving Yoona’s eyes at the mention of Tiffany. She doesn’t have all the answers but she is contented with what she has now. She isn’t the only person who was left hurt last year.
“It could be just heroin.” Jessica adds in jokingly even though she feels like there is something stinging her heart. Yoona glances up to look at Jessica. There, it is the look. The longing in Yoona’s eyes. The shade of her irises softens. Nervousness riding up Jessica’s spine when Yoona’s hand reaches to caress her cheek.
In seconds, Yoona pulls Jessica in for a kiss, and Jessica feels like a highschooler at the end of the first date. Everything has felt so simple between them. It has almost become a dream. To feel the way she feels around Yoona. It is so surreal.
Unfortunately, images of Tiffany interrupted Jessica. She pulls away from Yoona’s lips. The lingering taste of the kiss remains on her mouth. “I can’t.” She chokes.
“I understand.” Yoona says in a low assuring voice, with a touch of disappointment. She steps away and turns to leave. She takes one last glance at Jessica, “It’s not impossible to fall in love with someone else.”
Jessica’s gaze follows Yoona until her figure disappears out of sight.
//
Days has passed
The amount of time Jessica and Yoona spent together is more than they ever had in the past year. It would be Yoona waiting for Jessica after the shift ends, and Jessica at Yoona’s doorstep with DVDs and packaged fatty food.
At times, they would be in each other arms, snuggling under the blankets, and watch reruns of Friends or John Hugh’s movies. And at times, they exchange normal drinks for hard ones to numb the feelings and vanish the awkwardness between them every time Yoona is at lost in her own feelings for Jessica.
They had been careful to not touch or stare too much.
Whereas Jessica is lost between Yoona and Tiffany. The mere thought of Tiffany still sends a great ache to her chest. Tiffany has not returned to her. That knowledge is difficult to swallow every time she is reminded by the playing of BP’s songs on the radio. She hates to think that she is using Yoona to replace the emptiness she feels. She hates herself at how undeserving she is of Yoona’s attention.
Because.. look at her. The girl’s fucking gorgeous. Has Jessica been blind or what? She already knew in the past that the girl is a looker. But it was when she had lunch out with Yoona a day ago that she realized how ethereally beautiful the girl is. They have done things together out in which she hasn’t never done with Tiffany. Hell, she doesn’t even know what ice-cream Tiffany likes.
So, a night with a little too much to drink and with hormones running high, the two giggle and stumble upon entering the flat. Their heated bodies sticking together. Jessica’s arms around Yoona’s neck. She breathes heavily against Yoona’s lips.
Subconsciously, drunk in alcohol and lust and Yoona’s flawless skin, she leaves wet kisses along Yoona’s jaw down to her neck. Yoona mumbles something, a slight moan leaving her lips as Jessica presses her body against hers. The younger girl groans when the knob jabs into her back, but is quieted when Jessica’s lips touch hers in hungry and messy kisses.
Yoona runs her hands through Jessica’s hair, leaning her head back to allow more access for Jessica to suck on her skin. Blood rushing through their veins. The rush, the eagerness, the desperation in between kisses and pants. The resistance they held in the past days only heightens the sexual desire for each other. The younger girl grips Jessica by the waist and lift her up to have her legs around the former. Jessica clings onto Yoona and pinning herself against her as if wanting to melt into the length of the latter’s body. Grateful for the lightweight Jessica is, Yoona guides the both of them to the sofa in the living room. Jessica’s straddling on her.
Quickly, Jessica sweeps her hair onto her right shoulder and pulls the cloth over her head. Yoona’s breath comes out in short gasps as her eyes are rewarded with the bare skin in front of her. She runs her hand across the smooth expanse of Jessica’s skin, and plant butterfly kisses all over her stomach. Jessica’s eyes close at the touch of Yoona’s lips against her. It is agonizingly slow.
Desperation is showing on her face. She tugs lightly on Yoona’s hair and flutter her eyes open to meet Yoona’s eyes. Daze and something a lot like lov.. reflecting off those eyes. “Jessica, I..” Jessica feels her heart clenched on the edge of a cliff, almost dropping. She has a sense of what Yoona’s going to say so her lips reconnect with Yoona’s before the latter has the chance to speak again. “Jess..”
Running out of patience, Jessica won’t allow another word to pass Yoona’s lips. The need to have Yoona in her and to be in her is growing incessantly. Her teeth tugs on Yoona’s lower lip lightly, earning a low groan from her. She leans back a little to get rid the only thing that’s separating Yoona’s skin from hers. Her head bowing down a little, she sees through her eyelashes and catches the lost in love on Yoona’s face. An ache shoots across her chest. She focuses on the buttons of Yoona’s blouse, cursing under her breath when her fingers fiddle and fail to undo them.
Fuck it.
Jessica rips them apart, the buttons flying off. And Yoona lets out the most adorable giggle, and it fills the air between with a sobering feel. The whole thing is so painstakingly slow, it is killing Jessica. The after-effects from the alcohol is wearing off. Her mood, as well.
“Fuck.” Jessica sighs in frustration, running her hand through her hair, and then watch Yoona watch her. “I can’t do this. We can’t do this.” She lets out a huff.
“We don’t need to rush.” Yoona says calmly, still a little buzzed. The quietness settles in between them for a while. Jessica soaks in the bare torso of Yoona’s. She presses her palms each on Yoona’s sides and runs her eyes down the length of her. Sealed lips and cloudy minds.
A certain kind of static forms in the air. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s something else. Because whatever it is, Yoona teaches Jessica to take slow with kisses that doesn’t lose its intensity. And every move Yoona takes is heavy with honest emotions and indefatigable passion. It’s tearing Jessica apart. It’s tearing her heart apart. At how much Yoona is spilling her emotions out to her. The pain follows her back and forth, and in every gasps of air they have to take.
Yoona does this for Jessica. For a girl she was pining years ago. She tucks her unrequited love in the pockets of her heart. A space that is dedicated to Jessica only. Unlike Jessica (a space she kept for Tiffany), Yoona would revisit this place and would try harder. And so, they kiss and kiss till their lips are numb, till their voice goes hoarse.
But a worded betrayal slips pass Jessica’s lips, subconsciously. A name that hit too close to Yoona’s heart.
“Tiffany..”
//
Hours has passed and Yoona’s eyes are sting with sleeplessness. She doesn’t really want to cry. Not right now, at least. Not when a girl named Jessica is sprawled across her bed, bare-breast, and her legs tangling with the bed sheets. Yoona sits on the edge of the bed, looking over her shoulder every few minutes to glance at the porcelain skin that she smeared with kisses hungrily before. She drops her head into her hands, running her fingers through the knots of her hair. Trying to think and feel other than what she feels for Jessica.
A name, which she now despised, rings in her ears. To think she was involved with the same girl a year before, seems so far away and impossible. But it is the same name, the same person, whom Jessica’s in love with. And Yoona’s scared that Jessica might be far too gone with the love she has for Tiffany. She hates knowing that. And she hates herself for ignoring Jessica’s stare-off looks that is meant for Tiffany. She hates Tiffany because the girl will never recognize the amount of weight she has put on Jessica, will never try to love Jessica more than Jessica loves her.
She understands Jessica, she thinks, because she did got sucked into the brooding eyes of Tiffany’s. The lazy smile. The unkempt appearance that the girl pulls off kind of perfectly, and she gets a pass for doing so. The after-sex songs played in the background. Only to realize the pounds in her account are only in three digit number at the end of their so-called relationship. She had been so stupidly and willingly to win Tiffany’s affection with green on her fingers.
Thankfully, she got out. She escaped from Tiffany’s fingers.
//
The smell of burnt toast and roasted coffee is enough to stir Jessica from her sleep. From the crack of the door, she could see Yoona’s side figure, the girl spreading peanut butter across the bread. One side of Yoona’s sleeves loosely hang off her bony shoulder. Her ombre hair cascading effortlessly down her spine. Jessica is swept under the beauty of it all.
She puts on Yoona’s sweater, and it’s long enough to have her thighs half-covered. The clothing smells of soap, like Yoona’s skin. Every inch of the skin Jessica discovers on Yoona, the routes she wandered on, sends her mind reeling. Approaching Yoona from behind, Jessica circles her arms around her. She could feel Yoona tense up at the intrusion and then relaxes. She pushes the front material of Yoona’s shirt, and her fingers touching her abdomen.
Jessica leans her forehead on the nape of Yoona’s neck and plant small kisses on her skin. She hears the silverware drop suddenly on the counter. A surge of electricity dances across Yoona’s skin. “Jessica.” She gasps when she feels the pads of Jessica’s finger almost reaching her breasts.
Gathering her strength, she grabs Jessica’s hands to stop her. As much as she loves this, last night’s slip of a name still echoes in her head, nagging her relentlessly. Every nicotine-like kiss Jessica leaves feels like a mixed of pleasures and burnt cigarettes. A sigh escapes Jessica’s lips.
“I think you should leave.” Yoona says with a crack at the end of her sentence. She suppresses the tears from falling. She’s afraid to turn around and look at Jessica in the eyes. But she does it, anyway.
Jessica takes two steps back promptly and makes out the noticeable dark circles under Yoona’s eyes.
“I don’t think.. it’s possible for us to be friends. Not right now, at least. You know it. I know it. One of us will end up falling in love.” The thing is, Yoona has already fallen in love. “And I can’t be that someone whom you run to when your heart is at pieces again.”
“But there’s always a place for you here. Always. Whenever you’re ready and whole..” She tapers off, wanting to believe that it could be true for Jessica.
“I can’t.” Jessica murmurs, feeling ashamed of herself. Yoona nods solemnly in understanding. Scratch that, Yoona doesn’t. And with that, Jessica leaves after collecting her stuffs.
//
Night in Bristol
In a low lit room, Tiffany stands in front of an audience with her hands gripping the sides of the podium. She has not been here for weeks. She thought she didn’t need it. But the past few days, she feels herself slipping away. Addicts-alike stares at her expectantly. She swallows and bows her head down to pull herself together.
“I’m Tiffany and I’m an addict.” The audience greets her in unison. Her nerves have calmed down. She gazes around the room, a familiar feeling settles inside of her. “It’s good to be here and it’s good to be anywhere clean.”
“I can’t shake the disease off me and one day, I’m dead certain it’ll kill me. People say your mind’s a freedom and no one else can take it. But I feel like I’m trapped in this hell hole. Not a day has passed where I did not think of getting the needle into my veins. My mind’s a prison.”
The audience voices in agreement. She continues, “This disease wants me dead, and is waiting for the chance to take me. I’ve been running and running away. Only to realize I’ve been running in circles. I’ve got scars on my arms, my hands, my feet, and my heart. I’ve lost and disrespected anyone who ever loved and cared for me. I’m cut from the same cloth as my mom. And that’s enough to make me want to lose myself in this disease again.”
“All too easily. I could do it tonight. I could do it now. I know I got another high in me but I doubt I’ll have another recovery.”
//
Night after
Drained from working a night shift, Jessica drags her feet down the path, almost reaching her flat. She hears the rustling of leaves and the scraping of feet against the ground. It’s dark and she could only make out the figure that’s standing in front of her flat.
But for whatever reason, she holds her breath and grips onto her bag. As she nears, the light from the street lamp casting over them, the figure notices Jessica’s approach and turns around.
“You’ve finally hid your keys in the right places.” The corners of Tiffany’s lips turns up lazily. Her eyes brighten when she sees Jessica. But Jessica doesn’t say anything and passes Tiffany like she doesn’t exist. Though every fiber of her seems to scream and beat for Tiffany.
As if she exists for Tiffany only.
Unlocking the door, Jessica feels Tiffany’s presence behind her. She pauses for a millisecond and resists the urge to turn around and throw her arms around her.
“Are you ignoring me?” Tiffany’s voice in disbelief. Anger is bubbling up in the back of Jessica’s throat. She enters her flat. Tiffany follows her into the living room. Jessica has changed the locks, moved the furniture here and there, changed the sheets, and changed everything that doesn’t remind Jessica of Tiffany. Yet she feels an indescribable void, as if there is something missing and she can’t seem to shake it off.
Her gaze meets Tiffany’s and realizes how the girl has fit in so well with the background. She might have changed almost everything but it doesn’t change the fact how the whole room feels like is just a tributary to Tiffany. Jessica moves to the center and drops her keys onto the table. She shrugs off her coat and waits.
“I came back.” is all Tiffany could offer her. And it isn’t enough for Jessica. “I’m sorry. I really want to make it right for us.”
Jessica lets out a dry chuckle at this and shakes her head. “Is there even an ‘us’?” Her voice rising and precise. “I waited for you! It has been almost two fucking weeks. And it took you so long to come back. What do you expect, Tiffany? A fucking welcome home banner? This place was never your home. If it is, you would have come a day later I left. You would come for me right away. No hesitations. No excuses.”
“You’re my home.” Tears are welling up in the corners of Tiffany’s eyes. She’s really trying. Especially after the silent vow she has made to herself when she left the program last night. But the look Jessica’s giving is enough to send chills and heartbreaks along the way.
“But you were never mine. You never make it mine.” Jessica retorts in exasperation. “You never make space in your cabinets for me. You never ask. You never try.” She tears her eyes away from Tiffany’s. “We only exists together in the four walls of your apartment. I used to have a life outside your world. I wanted to share it with you. I invited you with open arms. But you never came. You never wanted to.”
Tiffany tentatively walks across the stifled room to Jessica. “I love you.” She whispers as she inches closer to her. Wanting to sound out the vow she is willing to make for Jessica. But her time has run out.
“Is that the best you could give me?” Jessica spits. “You come crashing here with gifts of empty promises in your pockets.” She raises her arms to keep Tiffany away but the latter grabs her by the wrists. To stay away from a history that repeats itself, a past that never learns, and to be trapped to be in it.
“Please.” Tiffany chokes and pulls Jessica in, gripping her for dear life. Lost words swallowing back into her throat. Tears staining and sliding down her face. And Jessica fights the urge to kiss them away.
“I don’t deserve to feel like this, Tiffany.” The hardness is gone from Jessica’s voice, and is replaced by resignation. “I don’t deserve to live in fear. In fear of losing you in the morning. In fear of you not breathing beside me anymore or feel the missing warmth from your side of the bed. To feel like I can’t do anything about it. I-I can’t save you.” Her voice cracks. Her heart thumping against her chest, ready to fall out. “I can’t save you from your-r own demons.” Her eyes close, unable to withstand the pain she sees in Tiffany’s dark eyes.
“I don’t need to be saved. I only need you.” As much as she wishes it isn’t true, it is. Jessica has given her love but it will never be enough to be a cure to this disease. Tiffany is broken and knows deep down, if their relationship continues, she’ll break her as well.
“Give me a reason why. Give me a reason to stay.” Jessica says although there could never be a real answer to that. She thumps her fists against Tiffany’s chest, pushing her to just answer anyway and then stops. Tiffany just looks at her in silence. Words has failed the both of them. The tension eases but the hurt still hangs in the air. Tiffany uses her thumb to wipe away the fallen tear on Jessica’s cheek and releases her wrists. Despite her unwillingness to submit herself to Tiffany, she buries her head in the crook of Tiffany’s neck, and mumbles into her shoulders, “I slept with someone else.”
There, it is done. Words orbiting around them, and Jessica thinks this is really the end. She needed to say it. She needs Tiffany to shout at her, be furious, throw frustrated sighs, but there is none of that. She needs Tiffany to fight for her.
But nothing.
Tiffany just stands still, holding the girl who has supposedly cheated on her. Jessica might think it that way but Tiffany knows that it isn’t her fault. Because they were never a couple in the first place. Just two lost lovers in the middle ocean, floating about and eventually, they’re going to drown each other. “I forgive you.” She whispers, and plants a soft kiss on her hair.
“I can’t make you stay if you don’t want to.” She tells Jessica tenderly, stroking and tracing her fingers over her back, and imprinting the very anatomy of Jessica in her head. She sucks in a deep breath and blinks away the tears.
Pulling away, Jessica sees the resignation in Tiffany’s bones, the tiredness under her eyes, the vacancy, and the paleness of her skin. An empty shell which Jessica’s been trying tirelessly to fill with love. It is as if Tiffany’s body and mind has never known or tasted peace, and she has just given up on everything. Jessica has to restrain for sounding a gasp and reaching out to touch Tiffany’s beautiful face. Tiffany closes the distance between their lips. Their mouths stung with bittersweet pasts and what-could-have-beens. Jessica shuts her eyes, wanting so desperately to take whatever that’s eating Tiffany inside.
They taste the salt on their tongue, and neither of them know whose tears have fallen.
//
Jessica picks up a chip keychain from the table which was left by Tiffany when she was on her way out. She didn’t dare to see her out. Even if she did, her feet felt like they were rooted to the ground, and she is thankful for that.
She turns the chip to reveal a marking on it. It says, “3 months”. Her thumb runs over the embossed design, trying to make sense of it. And all she could come up is a bitter feeling lying in the pit of her stomach.
The pain hasn’t hit her yet fully. She is numbed, bottling up the feelings inside her system. It is only a matter of time before it erupts into waves of destruction.
//
Listening to the waves breaking against the wharves, Tiffany waits unthinkingly for a few minutes and then drops the tiny object into the sea. As the gravity pulls it down, the moonlight glints on the diamond. She watches the ring disappear into the dark waters and heaves a sigh. Clouds of smoke escapes her lips and it vanishes into thin air. Her vows lost in the wind, and brought away to the oceans.
She shoves her hands into the pockets of the coat and walks to wherever her dying heart leads her. Everything inside of her withered. There it is again, the ticking of a clock ringing in her ears.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
“I made a vow to carry you home. I really tried.”
- Bloc Party, So Here We Are
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