i've been lame lately. acting lame, is what i mean. especially toward matthew and i don't know why he doesn't even seem to care or notice. it's a good thing, but i feel sorry for it. i've become tons of things i didn't want to become, but the most relevant one is insecure. insecure in the way he feels. insecure in what he's doing or who he's ( Read more... )

at night i dream about him not feeling the way he says he does.

everything is so goddamn good
that i have to be scared.

( Read more... )

today it was 70 degrees so i sunbathed for a little while. and then i went to matthews and we sat on the cement outside of his window in the sun and sort of cuddled, and then blew bubbles in eachothers faces and ate easter candy that his parents bought us. he put a fake tattoo on his belly and we played tic tac toe. then i took a nap in his bed ( Read more... )

happy birthday, benny j. <3

today i'm going to do nothing. that sounds so good.

this year has gone by so fast except i feel like the things that have happened in it happened a very long time ago. a very long time ago in which i can't remember how i felt or what i've seen or who i knew and i can't see any of it. i see the corners of his apartment but in the middle of the memory there is just black. i see our bodies but there ( Read more... )

i've never felt so blank in my entire life. i can't even explain it. i spend six hours being bored out of my mind, bored and braindead and just existing. not thinking not really moving just fucking sitting there. and then i go to matthews and he leaves for an hour and i just sit there some more. i don't feel anything. i don't feel alive awake ( Read more... )

i want to just start over ( Read more... )

i tore myself up like paper and hid myself in a box, i put myself away, under a shelf or some thing, some where to collect dust, and i swear that i tried to become you, so i could see how you see me. so i could see why when you walk upon floor boards in my house than have been here before you or me, you tell me that it feels like home. why this ( Read more... )