H18] SECRET LOVE STORY (3/4)
Prompt Code: H18
Title: Secret Love Story
Oh, why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't it be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
He was left standing in their room, now letting the tears fall harder than before. What just happened? His attempt to make the younger admit to his wrong doings backfired and left him alone.
Job well done, Do Kyungsoo.
His eyes were full of water that he did not notice someone at the door. Once he did, he wiped his eyes using the back of his hand and walked slowly towards the form he saw. He was gathering his thoughts, thinking of what to say to Jongin now that the storm seemed to have gone, when he looked up and stopped in his tracks.
It wasn’t Jongin by the door.
“Soo,” he hears Baekhyun’s concerned tone, “What happened?”
He doesn’t need this right now; he doesn’t want to hear his best friend’s wise words and imputation. All he wants is Jongin back where he should be, but why does that thought seem hard to put into reality right now?
“Nothing you should mind, Baek,” he answers, ignoring the fact that his voice cracked a few times, “Don’t worry too much and go back to sleep. Sorry for waking you.”
Baekhyun seemed like he wanted to say some more, but he just gave him a dismissing look and moved to close the door.
No Jongin for tonight.
He breathes in, setting his heart back to place, righting the rhythm it should beat. He tries to clear his mind, forget what has gone through just minutes ago and pretend that everything is okay. Nothing has changed, nothing has to be changed. Feeling drained, he starts his trek to his bed, with his mind suddenly remembering how Jongin always asks him to just sleep beside him. Stupid brain, he thinks as he weaves a hand through his hair. He takes a detour, walking rapidly slow, and reaches for the switch. Once the lights were off, it seemed colder than he had wanted. Again, he walks to his bed, contemplating about what he really wanted.
Tomorrow, Kyungsoo thinks, Jongin will be back tomorrow and we’ll be able to fix this.
The scent of Jongin reeks from the bed beside his.
Kyungsoo ends up sleeping on Jongin’s bed.
-
Three days.
It has been three killing days.
It’s been three days since their fight and he is in their apartment, in his- their room, wondering where the younger may be. It’s such a hassle that he doesn’t have a social life, which roughly translates that he heads home as soon as his last subject dismisses them.
He sighs.
What is Jongin doing anyway? It’s been three days, and he repeats it in his head, three fucking days. He assumes that his boyfriend should have shown up right now. Especially, he presses, there is nowhere the younger could stay out for this long, is there?
Again, he sighs.
What is he even doing, moping around and all when actually it is his fault that he is in this kind of situation?
“It is me who has always been wrong. It has been since the moment I said yes to you when you asked that silly question during middle school!” - His mind brings him back to the moment he said this. When he blurted out words he shouldn’t have, he didn’t mean. He might have been mocking Jongin then, but it was just him acknowledging the truth. It really is me, isn’t it?
He walks to Jongin’s bed, his sweet haven for the past days, flooding himself with the scent of his boyfriend. Of course it was always him. He was the one stopping Jongin from his advances, he was the one preventing public displays of affection when the taller would start them, he was the one who restrains any sign that would show that he and Jongin are a couple to the public eye.
Now that he has started, he seems unable to stop.
He concludes now, that he is the reason Jongin is the way he is. He confronted him even with the promise that he wouldn’t. He accused him with no proof. He didn’t give Jongin the chance to love others because he kept him. He stopped the younger from having to go out and interact with new friends because he always wanted to be at home; to be hidden and locked out as what is right. It was definitely him who made the younger blow up and leave the way he did three days ago because he just couldn’t get his emotions under control.
More reasons start to pile up in his mind and he lets them. Accepting the truth is the first step to moving on and he needs that so he wouldn’t be expecting the younger to come home to him anymore.
But I want him to come home.
Well, great mind, have you any idea how he would have the guts to come home? To you?
If he does, though, if the younger would come home, he agonizes about the condition they’ll be in. He knows in himself that nothing will change; only the scars of the hurtful words they’ve said to each other would be the only indication of this event. He would not change.
Tomorrow, Kyungsoo thinks, tomorrow I’ll come up with a solution for this situation.
-
Kyungsoo smells a fragrance he has accustomed himself into- a vinous aroma that he has known since young, making him see his mom’s face in his dream, which turns into a nightmare once she shows up.
A small body jolts up awake and he recognizes his own lithe form which is now filled with beads of hot sweat. What a dream. He considered calling it a nightmare but stopped himself from doing so; he knows his mother loves- loved him more than anything in this world. There is another someone who I know loves me more than life itself but I threw him away.
He looks up to the ceiling as an apology to his late mother. Sorry, mom, for turning out this way. I had Jongin, who let me know and understand how colorful and meaningful life and love could be, but I rebelled against him and make him leave.
He sighs as he sits up and scrunches his eyes to the bright rays of sunlight seeping through the curtains. He hopes his days would be sunny and all things wonderful, bailing that thought after a minute, remembering that he’s sleeping on Jongin’s bed with no Jongin on it.
“Kyungsoo,” a disembodied voice calls out from outside the room, “Can you come out, please? I need to talk to you.”
He contemplates whether or not to go back to sleep to seem that he was really sleeping or getting up and ask what Baekhyun needs. Better go back to sleep, then.
“I know you’re awake, Soo,” the older says now in a singsong voice, “I heard your sigh all the way from here just seconds ago. Now don’t let me knock the whole morning and get your ass out here before I do it myself.”
If you could do that, you would have done it already.
“I have my ways, Do Kyungsoo, I just haven’t been using them for the past week to give you some space,” Baekhyun answers his thoughts, “One week is enough and I can’t take it anymore. One minute, Soo, I’ll be waiting.”
He grumbles about nosy friends and busy mornings but gets up anyway. He might hate Baekhyun at the moment but that won’t last long.
As he opens the door, he wonders idly why he was again friends with Byun Baekhyun, who had burnt eggs, burnt bacon, burnt rice and he was betting that the coffee made for him would taste bitter. But he goes back to his recent argument with himself and goes to the seat in front of Baekhyun with his head faced down.
“Baek, please tell me this food is not mine,” he whines once he’s seated, definitely wishing not to eat said food.
“Now, now, that is not how you treat a friend who has taken his time to make this for you. Show some gratitude.”
“Okay, thank you,” he answers sarcastically, eyeing the burnt meal, before saying in a lighter tone, “But I am not hungry.”
“Of course you are, you just woke up!” Baekhyun says, sounding offended, making him look up.
“Aw, Baek,” he moans, “Should I really eat this?”
“Yes, Do Kyungsoo, you should.”
His eyes dart to the burnt meal first, before staring blankly at his best friend again. Baekhyun sighs in exasperation.
“Look, Soo, this is how you are,” the man across his suddenly says in a firmer tone, ”You are served with a not-so-perfect meal and yet you hesitate and think that you could cook a better meal yourself. But why waste time and money when you could just accept my love and eat it just the way it is? I made it while thinking of you, you know.”
“What even, Baek? What are you saying?” he asks, astonished, before grabbing a fork and cuts a slice of egg and stuffing it in his mouth.
“Now that I’ve talked, see, you now eat it. That is what I’m trying to say,” the elder adjusts himself on his seat, “You haven’t been eating well the past few days, Yeol told me to cook for you or else he’d go ballistics.”
I believe I’ve been eating well, though?
“Thanks, to the both of you,” he says, truly grateful for his friends, “I just don’t have the appetite. I’ll eat, don’t worry.”
He grabs some bacon and rice and chews on it loudly for Baekhyun.
“If Jongin was the one who cooked for you, the plate would be clean right now,” the elder pointed out, most probably not missing the way his body shivered at the mention of the younger’s name.
“I’m not sure I agree with your over-confident statement,” he argues.
Baekhyun sighs, putting his arms on the table and his hands on his face, putting all his attention to him, “It’s been one week, Soo.”
“Oh, yes, thank you for stating the obvious,” he fills, looking down to his food to pretend that he was concentrating on eating it.
“You know what I’m talking about,” the elder’s stern voice says.
“Nope,” he tries to deny, stressing on the last syllable, “I do not.”
“Then would you mind telling me where Jongin is? Because he’s my friend and he’s been missing for a week now, which never happens, and shouldn’t happen because his boyfriend is waiting for him to come home,” Baekhyun snaps before fixing himself up again, breathing out through his nose to keep himself composed.
“If that’s why you’re looking for him, you should start by looking for his boyfriend.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do but his boyfriend doesn’t seem to care,” an aggravated voice answers.
“You’re wrong, then,” he says simply, picking with his food now, “I am not the boyfriend you’re looking for.”
“Now what does that even mean?” Baekhyun sounds really irritated.
“It means that you should ask his real boyfriend and not me because, if it isn’t already obvious, I do not know where he is,” he tries to say in a collected manner, hating the way his voice almost cracks at the end.
“How do you know he has another boyfriend?” the other asks, his tone causing Kyungsoo to look up, to see his friend gawking at him.
“I saw them,” he states in a matter-of-fact way.
“Where, what and how?” Baekhyun spills, “Tell me everything, or so help me I’ll kick you out of the house, too.”
The look on Baekhyun’s eyes made him pour out the words.
“I was on my way home last week when I saw Jongin walking up the street I was on. I thought he was going to fetch me up and I felt elated. Just for a little while, though, because not so soon after, he entered a Starbucks that was just around the corner. I didn’t mean to spy. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I was merely curious. When I got to the door, I quickly backed up because I saw him hugging this beautiful man. What’s even worse is that they seemed so happy to see each other. I went in after, just for good measure, of course. I bought a drink and all that but I only got to sit 3 tables away from theirs, so I did exert some effort to not be noticed. What was irritating, though, was that no matter how quiet the other tables were, I can’t seem to hear what they were talking about, and that really put me on edge. Don’t even mention the fact that Jongin was laughing his cute laugh and showing his bear smile to that man he was with. I felt like I was going out of my mind. It didn’t help either that Jongin kept glancing at the door ever since I came in; imagine how he would have reacted when he saw me there. It’s not like he could say that I’m his boyfriend, I know he won’t do that, which sucks but it’s my fault. I know that. But, now that I am thinking about it, I think I’d be cool if he did. It’d be better that way, and then would people stop hovering over my boyfriend.”
It was a few minutes after that Baekhyun reacted to his rant, smiling at first before laughing fully. Now this is not the reaction he’d imagined, he more of expected a supporting best friend rather than a laughing devil.
Especially when it seems that it is me he’s laughing at.
“What again did I do, or say rather, to make you laugh at me, you disposable creature?” he mocked in misery.
The laughing stopped, “Excuse me? Disposable? If I was disposable you wouldn’t be here right now.”
It was true. “I say such words when you laugh at me. Now, may I know the reason why?
“Soo, are you jealous?” Baekhyun asked him, a hint of a smile on his face.
Jealous? Who? Me?
“Nope,” he said confidently, keeping in mind that there is no reason for him to be.
“Right, of course there is no reason for you to be, right?” that smile on the other’s lips were starting to be irritating.
“Right.”
“Are you even sure that the man you saw with Jongin is his boyfriend? I mean, come on man, if you weren’t jealous you wouldn’t have jumped to such an easy conclusion,” the older says, looking genuinely curious.
“Then if he isn’t, who is he?” he asks dumbly. It didn’t help that his friend is now asking him the questions he’s been trying to avoid himself.
“Probably just a friend, Soo,” Baekhyun assures, his tone confident, “Jongin is in dance school, away from us. I’d be happy to know that he’s made good friends with someone who is not us.”
“Good… friends?” he thought aloud.
“Yes. It’s not like he’d stay a loner in school just because we’re not there with him,” the other said.
“Oh,” he answers, not knowing how to respond.
“Unless there was another reason for your fight?” the elder pipes in.
Well, not really, it’s just me.
“Soo…” it didn’t work that he remembers Jongin using that same tone.
“It’s just that… It’s me, Baek. It has always been me. Think about it, I don’t allow any PDA or such when we’re out, not even around you guys. I’m suffocating him from freedom and happiness and I know that that is not what he deserves- which if you look at a large picture means that he does not deserve me.”
Of course it’s me, haven’t we established that already?
“Has Jongin done anything to show that he was unhappy with the way you both are?” the other inquires.
“No.”
“Well that’s your answer, then. Soo, it’s your head and not you. You over think things too much that you forget all sense. Jongin doesn’t seem to mind the set-up you guys have, so don’t let your thoughts get to you,” Baekhyun stretches to him, looking at him intently.
“That’s out of the point. I can’t even say that I love him. No matter how many times he repeats those 3 words to me, I just can’t get myself to answer,” he voices out, not really meaning to but it just spilled out.
“We’d need an answer to that first, then,” the other says wistfully.
“What do you mean?” now he’s confused.
“Do you love Jongin?” Baekhyun stares at him with a guarded expression.
“What does that have to do with this?” he asks, looking away from the eyes on him.
“I want to know if the reason you can’t tell those words to Jongin is because, in harsh reality, is you don’t,” the other supplies easily, “I don’t want us to continue hurting Jongin now, do we?”
“What?” he hisses, “Are you out of your mind? I wouldn’t have said yes years ago if all I wanted was to hurt him.”
The man in front of him smiles. “Which brings me back to my question; do you love him?”
Do I? Well, of course I do. After all this time, all Jongin has done for me, if I can’t reciprocate the same amount of affection the younger has given me then I’ll be just like my mother.
A shiver runs down his spine.
Of all things, he definitely doesn’t want to be like his mother. He recalls how he felt, being all alone even when she was there, feeling unwanted. All the closed doors and secrets he can’t say and share to anyone. It was like being in prison when in actual reality; you were in the safest place in the world. What would he do if this is how he’s treating Jongin already? I don’t want it to be like that, never intended for it to be like that.
Jongin is the best thing that happened to me and if I can’t treat him right then I don’t deserve to be called his boyfriend.
He gathers his wits and breathes in before answering in a silent whisper.
“Yes.”
Why can't I say that I'm in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftops
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
One, two, three.
Drip, drop, drip, drop.
Four, five, si- oh no.
What a pity, Jongin thinks, that we seem to be unable to reach six… years. Together.
Now, now, Kim Jongin you should stop talking to yourself.
He sighs- a generic reaction to… everything.
It hasn’t even been a day. Hell, the sun hasn’t even risen, yet here he is moping outside their apartment door. He thinks that anyone who passes by their door will definitely look at him with shock, curiosity and probably pity for the way he looked. But, you see, he wouldn’t have it any other way. Jongin needs to stand his ground. He started this, he will end it.
The most obvious question, of course, is the how. Everything can go back to the way it was if he could just throw his pride away and go back inside their apartment and beg the elder for forgiveness for whatever happened between them that night.
But…
Ah, yes, the buts will be the biggest problem here.
Jongin thinks about the reason why he is lounging outside their dorm room in the first place and of course that is when everything falls into place.
I can’t go back in there because Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to be mine anymore.
It’s not like he’s ever been his, publicly rather, but if they can’t figure that one out… Jongin doesn’t even start to think of all the possible outcomes. He is sure he wouldn’t like it. Not to mention that his boyfriend seems to have concluded in his mind that he is in a relationship with someone else, someone not named Do Kyungsoo, which makes him rack his brain for any event that may have led the elder to think like that.
So the sigh is emitted once again.
This is confusing, he thinks as he scratches his head in frustration.
“Jongin?” he hears a familiar voice, not so low like Chanyeol but not so high like Baekhyun. He whips his head up, awkwardly removing the hand on his hair.
“Oh,” he says in monotone, trying to pass it as something he usually says, “Luhan hyung, what are you doing here?”
“Well, hello, Jongin,” his uninvited guest answers easily, ignoring his question, “I’m doing great, really great, for that matter. Thank you for asking.”
He rolls his eyes.
“You’ve been kicked out?” Luhan asks conversationally, not meaning to hover over him, but he was sitting down and that would have been possible. He sees the other glance at what should be his fully packed bags.
“Yeah,” he coughs to avoid more embarrassment, “I guess you could say that.”
“Whoa, who knew? How could that have happened?” it was nice that the older seemed to really want to know hence he positioned himself across Jongin and sat cross-legged.
“It’s a long story, really long, no one knew this could happen,” he grumbles a little before continuing, “Not even me.”
“Well… It does seem like that,” the other says, showing some laugh lines as he grins at him, punching his arm, “Where are you going to stay?”
“Dunno,” he answered honestly, biting his lip, “I am not thinking about that actually.”
Luhan snickers. “Of course you won’t,” he puts his hand on his chin, as if in deep thought, “Why don’t you sleep at our apartment first?”
He shoots his head up quickly it could have hurt. Could have.
“What? No, hyung, you don’t have to do that,” he answers in a rush, grateful for the offer but definitely shy to accept.
“Nah, come on, it’s not like you’ll be a bother, of course not,” the older assured, throwing another punch to his arm, “Yixing and his boyfriend are not due until next week, promising they’d pay for this week already, so their room is free. I am not accepting a no as an answer. It is because of you that we found a cheaper home, you know.”
“It’s not like I could just say yes, hyung,” he said sheepishly, “You know that.”
“You can and you will, dimwit,” the other declared as he stood up and grabbed for one of his bags, “Like I said, too: I won’t accept no as an answer.”
“Don’t I have a say in this?” he protests.
“I don’t think so,” the older says, eyeing his other bag, “No offense, dude, but you look beat.”
I am.
“Well, it was a long day,” he started, standing up now, too, feeling grateful, “With a definitely longer night.”
“I can agree with that,” Luhan says, glancing at him, leading the way down the stairs, “Sehun will be happy to see you. He looks fond of you.”
“Ah. Who would have thought,” he says flatly.
The elder laughs. “No, really, he may not look like it but I know he does.”
“Whatever you say hyung,” he dismisses, “Thank you, though. I now think I’m too silly to have not thought of where I could stay the night.”
“No worries, Jongin! A good deed for a good deed,” the elder says as they reach the door, “Stay as long as you want.”
“Thank you.”
It was a good thing, Jongin thinks, that Sehun was fast asleep. He doesn’t even check the time, afraid of what he’d see and feel more apologetic to his good friend. After showing him inside, being hospitable and warm, Luhan leaves him to his work and goes to the room across the living room, bidding him a good night in a whisper.
He wishes it to be. Not that wishes seemed true at the moment.
Jongin doesn’t get much sleep.
-
Three days.
It’s been three days.
His days seem longer now, since he doesn’t spend the whole day thinking of what to say to Kyungsoo, or what to do with him at home. He doesn’t have the time to ponder over what to ask the elder to eat, or to choose a movie he’s sure the other would love to watch with him. In reality, he shies himself away from any thought that leads him to a person named Do Kyungsoo- which is harder than it seems because his thoughts and plans always surround the elder.
School wasn’t any better either, what with being with Luhan meant that his boyfriend would definitely be with him, too. It wasn’t healthy, whatever they were doing, kissing each other in public like they do. Jongin thinks that their excuse of not being able to live without the other was just an excuse for their actions. Okay, he admits, they are just in love. But he still hoped they could show any sign of sympathy… and respect for that matter.
Luhan never asked for an explanation or a broader story on why he was kicked out of their dorm- since that is what he thinks, has concluded. It’s not like Kyungsoo kicked him out; of course, he was the one who let himself out. He guesses that it was to save Kyungsoo from himself, too, so that he wouldn’t have another reason to reject Jongin. He was thankful, for Luhan and Sehun, for keeping him company and not sniffing their noses into his problem. It was easier that way, although 3 days of being away from his boyfriend for the first time in 5 years is hard as it already is, he was hoping that the first move would come from the older.
Some may say that it’s false hope and that he shouldn’t be holding on to something that he isn’t sure of but he knows. He always will if it’s Kyungsoo. He may not have any physical proof that what they have is something worth fighting for but if anyone asks him, he’s sure of Kyungsoo, which is all that matters.
Right now, he was wasting time being lazy in the supposed bedroom of the friends of the couple he is now living with. Yixing and Suho, Luhan said, were the names of the two they were expecting in about four days. He was grateful for his friend’s generosity, but after seeing firsthand on how… expressive his new friends are about their love for each other, he was planning on finding somewhere else to live at to escape the probable overzealous PDA of the couples that would fill the apartment in a few days.
He sighs, finding nothing else to do.
If this was the Jongin last week, he probably wouldn’t even need to think about anything, since Kyungsoo would be the only one that’d fill his thoughts. However, that wasn’t the situation right now. Like he was thinking earlier, he shouldn’t be thinking of… him.
A more profound sound of a sigh emits from his lips.
I’m not doing a very good job about that. Stupid heart.
What could be the best thing to do right now, then?
Jongin curls himself to sleep after a few minutes.
Part 4