[Trigger Warning] I Don't Need Anyone to Blame Me

[kaninchenzero]

Seriously I mean it about the triggers here.Trauma work is good for me, right? I mean. I'm supposed to be learning how to feel and still stay safe. Mostly what I'm feeling though is hurt and fear and anger. Those last two turn into terror and rage a lot. Which in me become depression and anxiety and I wind up not doing much of anything. It's

Comments

[colubra]

I don't think you HAVE to be ashamed that this was done to you. I can certainly understand being ashamed, but I don't think it's required.

I'm honored that I'm someone you'd feel safe talking to about this, and I am truly sorry you went through it. Hopefully, identifying the situation wll make dealing with the repercussions easier.

For my money; you deserved better than that, and there is no shame in that fact having been ignored. My congratulations on 'manning up' and looking this shit in it's ugly eyes.

[kaninchenzero]

I've been trying to figure out what to say. I think I have.

I appreciate the kindness in your comment. It means much that you read what I wrote and that you said what you did.

The last sentence hurts. I know it was meant to be humorous and not hurtful. I don't have much of a sense of humor around that subject at the best of times and these are not.

Just so you know.

[colubra]

Oh, crud. I was hunting for some OTHER way to say the idiomatic meaning that phrase had, and couldn't come up with a good one, and tried to play it off as funny, which didn't work. Looking back, I should've said 'buckling down' instead.
I completely get that it wasn't funny, and I'm sorry it hurt.

[kaninchenzero]

Thank you.

[kitrona]

All I can offer are hugs and a listening ear, and a shoulder if you need it.

And it's as big as it feels to you. There is no "out of proportion" when it's something like this, especially something that's been festering for so long.

[kaninchenzero]

Ah, thanks. I do a lot of external checks: Am I being annoying? Is my emotional response to whatever merited? Is it okay for me to be here? I like you--do you mind? I even know why. The people who raised me told me all the time that my perceptions of myself were wrong. I haven't quite figured out how to trust that what I feel is correct. So I check with other people.

[kitrona]

I do the same thing, for much the same reasons. It's lovely to be told, "That doesn't hurt." Um, scuse me, I'm the one inside my body, yes it does, thank you very much. But I hadn't realized until I read your comment how DEEP this crap goes.

*massive hugs*

[meloukhia]

Calling it what it is? Is huge. Telling us? Also huge. Articulating something which has remained unspoken and unacknowledged takes courage and strength and all of us who are carrying silent secrets which eat away at us know it.

It is big. And I am honored that I am one of the people you chose to share it with.

[kaninchenzero]

<3

[goddessgood]

*hugs*

Did a lot of internal dialogue reading this, trying to puzzle out how to feel about it as I went. Wasn't until I got to the end that it dawned on me that I've been in a somewhat similar spot. What matters most is owning how you feel, not what anyone else feels, whose fault it is or who should be ashamed. Hurt, angry, afraid and a multitude of others are all more than acceptable. This is a great big first step. I, for one, am pretty damn impressed and proud and a whole bunch of emotions that make very little sense to me, but more than anything I hope for wonderful things for you. Lots.

[kaninchenzero]

You are so sweet. I hope those things for you too.

[karjack]

Naming it is a huge step. Articulating it, calling it what it is. These things are intense and painful, but they also give that tangled jumble of knotted up feelings a name.

You know you didn't deserve any of it. No one does. But I know that what the head knows and what the heart feels don't always line up. I hope it helps to have others confirm it: it's not your fault, and you aren't to blame.

[kaninchenzero]

That is the hard part: applying what I know to be true for other people to myself. I'm bad at it. I'm working on that. Thank you for reading, and for your words.