Culture Shock, Chapter 8: Inter-Cultural Relations (Baltar)
Series Title: Culture Shock
Chapter Title: Inter-cultural Relations (Baltar), 8/12
( Chapter 1) ( Chapter 2) ( Chapter 3) ( Chapter 4) ( Chapter 5) ( Chapter 6) ( Chapter 7)
Author:kappamaki33
Rating: PG-13 (for language--and not just "frak")
Characters: Ensemble
Summary: Crack. Starbuck's magic Viper needle leads the Fleet to modern-day Earth. And the Colonials thought learning to live with the Cylons was hard...
Notes: Much thanks to trovia for the artwork! Oh, Gaius. I was tempted to wait until I had all the remaining chapters ready to post, but I just couldn't any more. Just keep in mind that the pay-off to one of the bigger jokes in this chapter--and you likely won't even realize it's a joke until you see the pay-off--doesn't come until Chapter 12. Special thanks to safenthecity for letting me steal her brilliant Cylon paternity episode of Maury for Chapters 2 and 12. (Original is here.)
Chapter 8: Inter-Cultural Relations (Baltar)
Felix and Louis weren’t the only Galacticans getting smashed that afternoon. On that same day, Gaius Baltar sat alone at the bar of a seedy hotel restaurant in Tallahassee, Florida. His participation in Dr. Devlin’s research project had been short-lived. It ended prematurely when he discovered what “linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers” meant when Dr. Devlin’s boyfriend, Vinny “The Icebox” Callahan, walked in on Gaius and Devlin in the middle of an “experiment” involving a fume hood, handcuffs, and chocolate mousse. Luckily, there’d been no permanent damage, and the bruise around Gaius’s eye was exiting the painful purple-and-blue stage and shifting into the unappealing but painless yellow-and-green phase.
With nothing to do or to tie him down, Gaius had wandered aimlessly for the past few weeks, spending his advance stipend and the cash gift the GEECs had given him on alcohol and hotel rooms of questionable health and safety code compliance to make his money stretch as long as possible, since there was no telling when he’d get more.
He had considered trying for a professorship at another university. He certainly could have found a position if he had been persistent enough, he was certain. But the first few deans Gaius had spoken to had questioned his credentials, saying they’d never heard Caprica University and would therefore need extra references from him. This had bruised Gaius’s ego so greatly that he hadn’t even bothered to explain that his prior employers and colleagues were unavailable due to nuclear holocaust; instead, he simply decided he wouldn’t deign to take a position from such charlatans, even if one was offered to him on a silver platter.
He had also thought about rejoining his cult, though they hadn’t parted on the best of terms. Back when he’d been secure in his position with Dr. Devlin, Gaius had gotten a little too drunk one night, called Paulla on a lark, and had been a teensy bit too open with her about his spiritual views in general and his opinion of his followers in particular. He couldn’t remember much for details, but he did distinctly recall the words “infidel,” “heathen whore,” and “unworthy to smite in the name of God,” and he was pretty sure he hadn’t been the one saying any of them.
The Church of the One True God had become even more successful on Earth than it had been in the Fleet. Thanks to Jeanne’s surprising marketing acumen and the fact that Paulla, it seemed, had just as much unwavering conviction and aggression in the boardroom as she did when smiting, the Church of the One True God had not only become a minor cultural phenomenon but a very profitable business entity. They had two TV shows. One, A Really Long Journey of Faith: One True God 101, sometimes replayed recordings of Gaius’s old sermons but increasingly had Jeanne or Paulla preaching the word themselves to a live studio audience. They were doing an admirable job filling in the many blank spots in his theology that he hadn’t bothered with, Gaius admitted. The other program, Arm Yourself!: Everything You Need to be a Soldier for the One True God, was fast becoming one of the top-rated programs on QVC, offering cultist-made icons, relics, and other divinely-inspired necessaries, such as the Make Your Own Home Altar Kit and the Holy Pipe of Heavenly Vengeance™, now available in copper, brass, and stainless steel.
Three days before, Gaius had swallowed his pride and called OTG, Inc., prepared to beg for a job as a speaker on A Really Long Journey or even as a product model on Arm Yourself! Thankfully they’d put him through to Jeanne instead of Paulla, but apparently word of his drunken phone call had gotten out, because she politely but very coolly thanked him for his interest before saying that unless he’d improved enough at his miraculous healings that he could perform them on cue, OTG, Inc. did not have any open positions suited to his talents.
Gaius had also considered moving to Vancouver. He’d heard from Leoben, whom he’d run into in Nashville, that the Canadian and British Columbian governments had been particularly supportive of alien immigrants. Leoben said they had set up special programs to place Colonials in rather upscale government-funded housing and help with job placement until the Colonials acclimated to their new environment. It sounded like a wonderful opportunity to Gaius, who was really becoming desperate, but he knew he didn’t dare cross the northern border. While they had been held in quarantine, Lieutenant Hoshi had taken Gaius aside and made it rather clear that he should select somewhere to live that was far, far away from Felix Gaeta-preferably the moon, but another country would have to do. For as big of a pushover as he was with Gaeta, Gaius quickly learned that Mr. Hoshi could be downright intimidating with anybody else.
Gaius sighed and sank down on his stool until his nose was nearly even with the lip of the bar. This eye line gave him an even better view of how empty his glass was.
“Barkeep,” Gaius called, “I’ll have another of whatever this is, with an extra shot of whatever it is that makes it alcoholic.”
When the bartender took his glass, Gaius looked down the bar and noticed for the first time that there were two very pretty young women sitting at the other end. They were whispering and tittering to one another, idly swirling the straws in their colorful fruity drinks.
“My gods, I must be sick,” Gaius muttered to himself rather loudly. “I’m too depressed to even hit on them.” He let his head fall to the bar with a thump.
He didn’t even sit up when the bartender brought him his drink, but he did lift his head when he felt light fingers on his shoulder.
“ ‘Scuse me,” said one of the women he’d seen earlier. Now they were standing on either side of him. Gaius sat up and straightened his shirt. “My friend and I were wondering: where’re you from?”
“Pardon?”
The girls giggled again. “You’re a foreigner, right?” the one on the right, the redhead, said, cocking her head provocatively and running her hand down Gaius’s arm. “Like, you’re English?”
Gaius wanted nothing more at that moment than to be English, whatever exactly it was, because the way she said it, it sounded to him like it must be a synonym for “about to get laid.” “Well, I am very, very far away from home…”
“Gawd, Candy, you insulted him,” said the brunette, rolling her eyes at her friend. “They call themselves British, ‘cause we won the Revolutionary War.”
Though Gaius didn’t know much about Earth history, even he was pretty sure the brunette had some of the details wrong. He didn’t understand why he was such a magnet for not-so-bright human women and yet also managed to attract extremely intelligent Cylons and men with equally little effort, but he couldn’t say he much cared. He was just happy the magnetism still worked on Earth.
The redhead gave her friend a scathing look, but she rolled with the brunette’s comment well. She pretended to look guilty, sticking out her lower lip. “Aw, I’m sorry. It’s just that your accent is so sexy, I got all flustered.”
“My accent? Really?” That surprised Gaius. Yes, women had told him his accent made him sound intelligent before, but never sexy. Some Capricans had even thought he must have a speech impediment, since his Caprican accent sounded so little like that of everyone else from Caprica. But really, for a poor kid from Aerilon, he’d done quite well at mimicking it closely enough to get by, Gaius thought.
“Oh yeah,” purred the brunette, snuggling up closer to Gaius and not-so-subtly rubbing her breast against his arm. Gaius took a sip of his drink to keep from smiling like a giddy idiot. Subtlety was vastly overrated. “All the really hot actors have British accents. Daniel Craig, Colin Farrell-”
“Orlando Bloom, Hugh Jackman,” added Candy the redhead.
“Antonio Banderas,” said the brunette. Candy gave her a funny look, but she didn’t say anything.
“Look, I am, like, so incredibly sorry for saying English instead of British earlier,” said Candy. “Is there anything Becky Ann and I can do to make it up to you?”
Becky Ann had removed the festive little paper umbrella from Gaius’s drink and was sliding her tongue along the toothpick portion in a way that made him shiver.
Gaius played along. “Hmm,” he pretended to ponder. “I am just as ignorant of your local customs as you are of mine. I would love to have a bit of a cultural exchange. You know, share some of my country’s…practices….see some of the local sights from an insider’s perspective,” he said, unabashedly speaking to Candy’s breasts so she’d catch the hint. “And I am so very lonely, being so far from…uh, British-lon…”
“We should start by making sure you know how to use everything in an American hotel room. I bet they don’t have coin-operated vibrating beds in England, do they?” Candy said.
Gaius was amazed she could keep a straight face. He was also quite surprised and a little startled by Becky Ann’s strength as she nearly lifted him off the barstool and pointed him toward the exit. He had just enough time to realize that Becky Ann rather reminded him of Paulla and to wonder if that was a good or a bad thing before Candy completely distracted him by slipping her hand into his back pocket.
“Just to let you know, the airline lost our luggage, so we don’t have any pajamas,” Becky Ann said as they made their way out of the bar. She took one of Gaius’s arms, and Candy took the other.
“Now in America, we’re all about everybody being equal, so it’s only fair you don’t wear your pajamas, either,” added Candy.
Gaius couldn’t help it. He tipped his head back and muttered gleefully, “The One True God bless America.”
On to Chapter 9: Literature (Roslin and Adama) Coming Soon...
Chapter Title: Inter-cultural Relations (Baltar), 8/12
( Chapter 1) ( Chapter 2) ( Chapter 3) ( Chapter 4) ( Chapter 5) ( Chapter 6) ( Chapter 7)
Author:kappamaki33
Rating: PG-13 (for language--and not just "frak")
Characters: Ensemble
Summary: Crack. Starbuck's magic Viper needle leads the Fleet to modern-day Earth. And the Colonials thought learning to live with the Cylons was hard...
Notes: Much thanks to trovia for the artwork! Oh, Gaius. I was tempted to wait until I had all the remaining chapters ready to post, but I just couldn't any more. Just keep in mind that the pay-off to one of the bigger jokes in this chapter--and you likely won't even realize it's a joke until you see the pay-off--doesn't come until Chapter 12. Special thanks to safenthecity for letting me steal her brilliant Cylon paternity episode of Maury for Chapters 2 and 12. (Original is here.)
Chapter 8: Inter-Cultural Relations (Baltar)
Felix and Louis weren’t the only Galacticans getting smashed that afternoon. On that same day, Gaius Baltar sat alone at the bar of a seedy hotel restaurant in Tallahassee, Florida. His participation in Dr. Devlin’s research project had been short-lived. It ended prematurely when he discovered what “linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers” meant when Dr. Devlin’s boyfriend, Vinny “The Icebox” Callahan, walked in on Gaius and Devlin in the middle of an “experiment” involving a fume hood, handcuffs, and chocolate mousse. Luckily, there’d been no permanent damage, and the bruise around Gaius’s eye was exiting the painful purple-and-blue stage and shifting into the unappealing but painless yellow-and-green phase.
With nothing to do or to tie him down, Gaius had wandered aimlessly for the past few weeks, spending his advance stipend and the cash gift the GEECs had given him on alcohol and hotel rooms of questionable health and safety code compliance to make his money stretch as long as possible, since there was no telling when he’d get more.
He had considered trying for a professorship at another university. He certainly could have found a position if he had been persistent enough, he was certain. But the first few deans Gaius had spoken to had questioned his credentials, saying they’d never heard Caprica University and would therefore need extra references from him. This had bruised Gaius’s ego so greatly that he hadn’t even bothered to explain that his prior employers and colleagues were unavailable due to nuclear holocaust; instead, he simply decided he wouldn’t deign to take a position from such charlatans, even if one was offered to him on a silver platter.
He had also thought about rejoining his cult, though they hadn’t parted on the best of terms. Back when he’d been secure in his position with Dr. Devlin, Gaius had gotten a little too drunk one night, called Paulla on a lark, and had been a teensy bit too open with her about his spiritual views in general and his opinion of his followers in particular. He couldn’t remember much for details, but he did distinctly recall the words “infidel,” “heathen whore,” and “unworthy to smite in the name of God,” and he was pretty sure he hadn’t been the one saying any of them.
The Church of the One True God had become even more successful on Earth than it had been in the Fleet. Thanks to Jeanne’s surprising marketing acumen and the fact that Paulla, it seemed, had just as much unwavering conviction and aggression in the boardroom as she did when smiting, the Church of the One True God had not only become a minor cultural phenomenon but a very profitable business entity. They had two TV shows. One, A Really Long Journey of Faith: One True God 101, sometimes replayed recordings of Gaius’s old sermons but increasingly had Jeanne or Paulla preaching the word themselves to a live studio audience. They were doing an admirable job filling in the many blank spots in his theology that he hadn’t bothered with, Gaius admitted. The other program, Arm Yourself!: Everything You Need to be a Soldier for the One True God, was fast becoming one of the top-rated programs on QVC, offering cultist-made icons, relics, and other divinely-inspired necessaries, such as the Make Your Own Home Altar Kit and the Holy Pipe of Heavenly Vengeance™, now available in copper, brass, and stainless steel.
Three days before, Gaius had swallowed his pride and called OTG, Inc., prepared to beg for a job as a speaker on A Really Long Journey or even as a product model on Arm Yourself! Thankfully they’d put him through to Jeanne instead of Paulla, but apparently word of his drunken phone call had gotten out, because she politely but very coolly thanked him for his interest before saying that unless he’d improved enough at his miraculous healings that he could perform them on cue, OTG, Inc. did not have any open positions suited to his talents.
Gaius had also considered moving to Vancouver. He’d heard from Leoben, whom he’d run into in Nashville, that the Canadian and British Columbian governments had been particularly supportive of alien immigrants. Leoben said they had set up special programs to place Colonials in rather upscale government-funded housing and help with job placement until the Colonials acclimated to their new environment. It sounded like a wonderful opportunity to Gaius, who was really becoming desperate, but he knew he didn’t dare cross the northern border. While they had been held in quarantine, Lieutenant Hoshi had taken Gaius aside and made it rather clear that he should select somewhere to live that was far, far away from Felix Gaeta-preferably the moon, but another country would have to do. For as big of a pushover as he was with Gaeta, Gaius quickly learned that Mr. Hoshi could be downright intimidating with anybody else.
Gaius sighed and sank down on his stool until his nose was nearly even with the lip of the bar. This eye line gave him an even better view of how empty his glass was.
“Barkeep,” Gaius called, “I’ll have another of whatever this is, with an extra shot of whatever it is that makes it alcoholic.”
When the bartender took his glass, Gaius looked down the bar and noticed for the first time that there were two very pretty young women sitting at the other end. They were whispering and tittering to one another, idly swirling the straws in their colorful fruity drinks.
“My gods, I must be sick,” Gaius muttered to himself rather loudly. “I’m too depressed to even hit on them.” He let his head fall to the bar with a thump.
He didn’t even sit up when the bartender brought him his drink, but he did lift his head when he felt light fingers on his shoulder.
“ ‘Scuse me,” said one of the women he’d seen earlier. Now they were standing on either side of him. Gaius sat up and straightened his shirt. “My friend and I were wondering: where’re you from?”
“Pardon?”
The girls giggled again. “You’re a foreigner, right?” the one on the right, the redhead, said, cocking her head provocatively and running her hand down Gaius’s arm. “Like, you’re English?”
Gaius wanted nothing more at that moment than to be English, whatever exactly it was, because the way she said it, it sounded to him like it must be a synonym for “about to get laid.” “Well, I am very, very far away from home…”
“Gawd, Candy, you insulted him,” said the brunette, rolling her eyes at her friend. “They call themselves British, ‘cause we won the Revolutionary War.”
Though Gaius didn’t know much about Earth history, even he was pretty sure the brunette had some of the details wrong. He didn’t understand why he was such a magnet for not-so-bright human women and yet also managed to attract extremely intelligent Cylons and men with equally little effort, but he couldn’t say he much cared. He was just happy the magnetism still worked on Earth.
The redhead gave her friend a scathing look, but she rolled with the brunette’s comment well. She pretended to look guilty, sticking out her lower lip. “Aw, I’m sorry. It’s just that your accent is so sexy, I got all flustered.”
“My accent? Really?” That surprised Gaius. Yes, women had told him his accent made him sound intelligent before, but never sexy. Some Capricans had even thought he must have a speech impediment, since his Caprican accent sounded so little like that of everyone else from Caprica. But really, for a poor kid from Aerilon, he’d done quite well at mimicking it closely enough to get by, Gaius thought.
“Oh yeah,” purred the brunette, snuggling up closer to Gaius and not-so-subtly rubbing her breast against his arm. Gaius took a sip of his drink to keep from smiling like a giddy idiot. Subtlety was vastly overrated. “All the really hot actors have British accents. Daniel Craig, Colin Farrell-”
“Orlando Bloom, Hugh Jackman,” added Candy the redhead.
“Antonio Banderas,” said the brunette. Candy gave her a funny look, but she didn’t say anything.
“Look, I am, like, so incredibly sorry for saying English instead of British earlier,” said Candy. “Is there anything Becky Ann and I can do to make it up to you?”
Becky Ann had removed the festive little paper umbrella from Gaius’s drink and was sliding her tongue along the toothpick portion in a way that made him shiver.
Gaius played along. “Hmm,” he pretended to ponder. “I am just as ignorant of your local customs as you are of mine. I would love to have a bit of a cultural exchange. You know, share some of my country’s…practices….see some of the local sights from an insider’s perspective,” he said, unabashedly speaking to Candy’s breasts so she’d catch the hint. “And I am so very lonely, being so far from…uh, British-lon…”
“We should start by making sure you know how to use everything in an American hotel room. I bet they don’t have coin-operated vibrating beds in England, do they?” Candy said.
Gaius was amazed she could keep a straight face. He was also quite surprised and a little startled by Becky Ann’s strength as she nearly lifted him off the barstool and pointed him toward the exit. He had just enough time to realize that Becky Ann rather reminded him of Paulla and to wonder if that was a good or a bad thing before Candy completely distracted him by slipping her hand into his back pocket.
“Just to let you know, the airline lost our luggage, so we don’t have any pajamas,” Becky Ann said as they made their way out of the bar. She took one of Gaius’s arms, and Candy took the other.
“Now in America, we’re all about everybody being equal, so it’s only fair you don’t wear your pajamas, either,” added Candy.
Gaius couldn’t help it. He tipped his head back and muttered gleefully, “The One True God bless America.”
On to Chapter 9: Literature (Roslin and Adama) Coming Soon...