Some days I can only remember the bad times. I still cannot shake those memories. I wonder if I ever will. For the most part, any anger I had toward Jason and his addiction has dissolved. But that doesn't really change the way I feel about this whole thing. It still fucking sucks, and it will for a long time.

I heard "Let It Be" in the car the other ( Read more... )

I keep having dreams about ex boyfriends. They've been good and bad. I don't know what they mean, exactly, but it shouldn't really be too hard to figure out. While it's obviously important to have a good connection with someone you're with, what has always been essential to me is just being with someone. It's going to take me a while to get used to ( Read more... )

I've done plenty of grieving in my lifetime, but I can't say that I've ever experienced denial like this.

I remember this theory Jason came up with called Disaster Therapy. To mend a disfunctional family or bring estranged family members or lovers back together, one would feign a terrible car accident or even death. It's a ridiculous theory, and he ( Read more... )

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to love anyone else the way I loved Jason. For now, it's not possible, but someday, perhaps, it will be. I have no problem loving anyone. I love everyone. But there's a big difference between love and love.

In retrospect, I believe I've only been in love with two people. I've loved others, and I've cared very ( Read more... )

Thought I was doing better come Saturday, because I had a pretty good time at the beach and at Pete's party. But Sunday was lonely. I felt like I was in a haze all day, just going through the motions, but not really feeling much of anything. I've been tired a lot. And I'm so sad that my heart actually hurts. It's been a long time since I've felt ( Read more... )

      Our first date wasn't typical, but, then, that was Jason--he was full of surprises. I had imagined having dinner in some fancy chain restaurant, but we ended up sharing takeout and intimate conversation under the soft yellow glow of the solitary lamp that illuminated his quaint dining room. But what I actually remember most about that night ( Read more... )

Last weekend I felt different parts of my life ending. I moved the tassle from the right to left and felt my college years drift away. I stood next to my best friend as she exchanged vows on a balmy Sunday afternoon, and I felt those remaining bits of adolescence fade away. Last night I discovered that Jason was found dead in his apartment on ( Read more... )

 Well, I have a sinus infection, my entire body aches, someone bashed into the front of my car today, and I am way behind on lesson planning or planning of any kind. I know that this is the way my life works, but I have yet to get used to the pattern.

Karma comes to mind, but I've never really believed in it...(I feel some philosophizing coming on, ( Read more... )

Today is a sad day. I look outside and see the world crying, so I think to myself, yeah, I can let a few tears out. I can commiserate.

Well after school today, I just lost it. My coop. had left, and I was in the room alone, just cleaning up a few things, and all sorts of emotions hit me at once. I felt incompetent, embarrassed, conflicted, guilty.

( Read more... )

The room isn't much bigger than a public restroom, and it smells oddly of piss and cherry-scented disinfectant. I feel like a prisoner here; athough I shouldn't. This is just the waiting room ( Read more... )