Axel is such a dweeb
Soooo, I totally forgot I had this just laying around, all ready to post. For some reason I thought I had some more to work on, but I opened it up and voila! I had actually finished it so long ago, I forgot I finished it.
HAVE FUN, KIDS.
Part One
Previous Part
Day 337
There's a shit storm brewing. I can feel it. Kinda like how old women feel storms coming. Except I'm young and hot.
Oh, and not a woman. That too.
There are no women in Organization XIII! Just twelve guys and a bitch! (Marluxia) Oh, I crack myself up.
Day 338
I think Demyx is missing. I hope Xigbar and Zexion don't notice, they both seem weirdly protective of him.
Ah, nope. False alarm. He's just off on a mission somewhere. No, wait, that's still a problem. I hope Mansex gave him written instructions this time. Once, he was sent on a grocery run to Traverse Town and came back with fourteen jars of honey from the Hundred Acre Woods.
It's almost like he listens.
Day 339
Meet me in Twilight Town.
Bring munny.
Also, stop leaving this laying around where people can read it.
You're such a retard.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. This is either a date or a robbery. Arg, I can't decide! What if he does remember poker night and is finally exacting his revenge? Should I risk life and limb for the possibility of fun times? (And maybe sexy times?)
Who am I kidding? I'm totally going. (I'll bring a taser just in case though.)
...I really hope he didn't read the part about him running into the freezer door. Or the part where I stalked him for a day. Knowing my luck, it's unlikely that he didn't.
What should one wear for a date/mugging? 'Cause I want to look good, but I always want to be able to fight. Or run away. Whatever. It also needs to be easy access if things go really well.
...Of course this isn't a problem because I just happen to have one-size-fits-all-purposes black cloak. I hate it when pre-Nobody thoughts sneak up on me like that. Like that one time with the espresso machine, and, well, let's save that story for some other day.
Day 340
Turns out it wasn't really a date or a mugging, but some sort of halfway in-between kind of thing. Well, once I found the little asshole.
I had to search the entire town before I finally found him up at this freaky mansion that wasn't technically even in the city. I called him on that, too. Anyways, we went back into town, where he proceeds to use my munny to buy those popsicles that Demyx likes. Then we took the train out to the beach and just sort of sat around eating said popsicles. Oh yeah, I paid for the train too. Jerk-face.
Then he starts to go on about how the beach makes him feel nostalgic or something (Roxas, if you read this, I was listening, I swear!) and starts beating me with a stick(?!) because that made him feel nostalgic too.
So we kinda fought/wrestled/threw sand and I totally would have won if he hadn't pushed me into the ocean. Damn my high center of gravity.
But then he smiled so I guess it was all ok.
Day 341
Fuuuuuck. Shit-storm Demyx made landfall.
So get this: While Demyx was cavorting about Atlantica, he got a little romantic with some red-head chick. This would have all been well and good, except for the part where he and Xigbar apparently have a thing. (This is both 'ew' and annoyingly obvious once it was made obvious. And the reason why Xigbar bought an aquarium.) And that would not have been shit-storm material in and of itself except for the part where Demyx had a thing with Zexion as well.
What. The. Fuck.
So now nobody is talking to anybody else, Demyx is confused as hell because he has a hippie 'free love' outlook on everything (but is still repenting for his red-bottomed ways by not being with either of them and hanging out with Xaldin?), Xigbar is trying hard to seem apathetic but is actually sulking on the ceiling of his room, and Zexion is filling his room with mothballs to cover up Demyx's smell.
Oh, and Mansex and Saïx are having some sort of tiff over who accidentally filed a Patrol Report in the Dangerous Individuals drawer. As always, signs will eventually point to me. I fucking hate Saïx.
But I'm doing good. I haven't said anything retarded to Roxas all day. Go me!
Day 342
I need to get out of this castle. I went to take a shower, and Vexen was in there 'collecting samples'.
I don't want to knoooooow.
Day 343
I'm gonna regret this so hard, but I signed myself up for some sort of recon mission. There's likely some well thought-out, elaborate write up on what I'm supposed to do, but there's truly an art to making it up as you go that evil bureaucracies simply don't appreciate. It's probably because you can't get art filled out and signed in triplicate.
Oh yeah, I'm headed to the Deep Jungle. I guess it's been on the quiet side lately, so I'm supposed to poke around and stir up some trouble. And of course the word 'covert' wasn't on the mission title. Lies. All lies.
Day 344
I found a plate of half-eaten pancakes in front of my door this morning.
I think the thing I miss most from my Somebody days is cause and effect. Now my existence is just an exercise in the non sequitur.
Wait, no, that's the fun part. Those pancakes were tasty, too.
...I don't think I've seen the cat in over a week. I wonder if he goes back to Wonderland when he disappears.
--------------------------------
Mission Report #34437
Agent: of Chaos
Location: Deep Jungle
Date: This month, this day, this year.
Mission: poke around without causing too much disturbance, otherwise they will run straightaway to the Gorilla Police who will have us all arrested. Seriously, it's the middle of nowhere in the middle of nowhere. I could play the alphabet on foghorns and no one would know we were there.
Conclusion: Not much to see except for a jaguar that would make a fucking sweet Nobody. I call dibs on credit right now.
Damage:
Surprisingly little (infinity) (it's the gift that keeps on giving)
Treehouse (1)
Expenses:
Bug spray (1) x 500munny
Sunsreen (1) x 455munny
Aloe Vera (5) x 1100munny
---------------
Total 6455munny
Gains:
Bugbites (17)
Sunburn (1)
Mysterious rash (1)
Comments: As this has been a reoccurring problem, I have taken the initiative and put a calendar in your room. Reference it when completing all forms in the future. The Investigative Committee requests that you file an Individuals of Note form regarding the jaguar. Damages, Expenses, and Gains should all be tangible items of value. However, your expenses will be reimbursed.
Please see Vexen about the rash, it would be most unfortunate if it were to spread to others.
-------------------------------
I knew that mission would be a bad idea. I should really listen to myself more.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to burn my cloak and bathe in aloe vera. I just need to double-check that Vexen is nowhere nearby when I do.
Day 345
If I was Zexion and read too many books for my own good, I would mention that today is 3-4-5 Triangle Day, but I'm not, so I won't. Why don't you have some fun with that little paradox.
As for general updates, I still itch like hell all over, Demyx, Xigbar, and Zexion are still not talking to each other, and Larxene and Marluxia are still slinking about together.
I'm hungry. I wonder if Roxas knows how to cook.
Day 346
Roxas did know how to cook (somewhat). There were waffles outside my door (half-eaten, again). Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but he's so trying to win me over with breakfast foods. Not that he needed the breakfast foods to do so, I am NLD-afflicted, if you recall.
Waffles are fucking awesome. Maybe I should buy him a present or something in exchange for the awesome waffles.
Ooo, there's even syrup for my waffles. How thoughtful.
Thoughtful waffles.
Waffles.
...Okay, it doesn't even look like a word anymore. Oh, and no change with the rest of the world. Still itchy, still angry, still creepy.
Day 347
I wonder when that calendar got on my wall; I'm pretty sure it wasn't there last week.
There was an omelet today. I kinda wish it was waffles again.
Day 348
Look, if you want to talk to me, just do it. You don't have to keep leaving food outside your door and not showing up. Freak.
Uh. Shit. If it wasn't Roxas leaving the munchies...
Day 349
Marluxia! Fuuuuuuuck.
I could be poisoned! I...I think I'm going to be sick, and I haven't even thought about why.
Day 350
Demyx decided to finally show himself again. Apparently he convinced Xigbar and Zexion that they are both his very special fluff-muffins and they've forgiven him. Man, if only I had known that being naïve got you out of trouble.
Anyways, he heard that I was somewhat perturbed by the Marluxia-food thing, so he was doing his damnedest to cheer me up. I gotta admit, dropping water balloons off the balconies was pretty fun, well, until Mansex showed up. We relocated to Traverse Town after that.
Great, now he's probably gonna make some speech about how Nobodies are incapable of having fun or something like that.
Day 351
Yep, totally called it.
Also, my mysterious rash has grown into the shape of a really freaky smiley face. Curse: yes or no? No, you're just being stubborn and not getting medication for it because that would mean seeing Vexen.
...How does he keep finding this? Roxas, how do you keep finding this? You leave it laying around wherever you go.
Which means you're following me.
Roxas?
Come on, you know leaving me to my assumptions will just be more trouble for you.
Aw...
Day 352
I finally had to go on patrol again. I think three weeks without it was a personal record though. Whoo.
-------------------------------
Patrol Record #1135
Agent: of Destruction
Clock-in Time: 4:06
Clock-out Time: 11:46
Encounters: Close, and of the Third Kind.
Issues: Marluxia has stolen the TV from the lounge and hidden it somewhere.
Comments: Your movie privileges will be revoked if you do not cease to quote them in completely unrelated places (for example: meetings, forms). Also, 'Issues' should, once again, be relevant to the actual task the form is referring to, i.e. Patrol.
-------------------------------
Saïx, again.
I still haven't figured out where Marluxia's gone and hidden the TV. I swear, if he's holed up somewhere just so he can watch Charlie's Angels reruns and get his Farrah-do just right I'm gonna kill him. And then take the TV back. And then maybe kill him again because I still don't know why he was leaving food outside my door.
Day 353
Word's going around that Mansex has got some sort of special project lined up, but no one heard it from anyone and no one knows what it's going to be, so...
Not all that helpful really.
Oh fuck, Demyx got on the roof again.
Day 354
Dear Diary,
My life is a spiraling abyss.
One: Marluxia has begun leaving me food in my room now. He's seen me sleeping. He may have even done scandalous things to me without my explicit consent. And he still hasn't brought any more waffles. (If he and Larxene are, in fact, a thing, I really hope she doesn't slaughter my ass in misplaced revenge.)
Two: I may have to go to Wonderland to find Cat. (Look, I named him!) Alternatively, I may have to go to Vexen's lab because he's captured Cat for some horrible experiments. Both are unpleasant and will require back-up.
Three: No changes on the Roxas front, and I saw him with Luxord yesterday. I...don't even know if that means anything.
Four: Saïx is an asshole.
Five: I'm worried that I may not be as awesome as I previously thought.
...
Mood: Apathetic
Oh, get over yourself.
On the upside, Roxas seems to still be following me.
Day 355
There was someone new in the castle today. I could have sworn it was the hot waitress from the pub in Traverse Town, but last I checked she was still alive and kicking. And the lady I saw was talking to a door.
Me and Roxas (er, Roxas and I; I think I knew an English professor when I was alive. Or maybe I was the English professor. And Roxas could have been my student, who needed to stay after class for some extra...assistance. We could have fucked on my desk. Or against the chalkboard. Maybe I wore ties just so I could blindfold him or tie him up or maybe he tied me up and...wait, where was I?)
Anyways, Roxas and I went on another ice-cream expedition. It was much better than last time because he didn't feel the need to attack me with a stick this go-round. We popped into Traverse Town on the way back and the hot waitress was still there.
She wasn't all that hot.
Comparatively, she is.
So, what, you grade hotness on a curve?
Yes. A standard Gaussian distribution to be precise. Since there are talking ducks in Traverse Town, this places the hot waitress firmly in the 'hot' end of the spectrum.
But that's only if you use the population of Traverse Town. If you include the other worlds, she'd likely end up on the high end of average.
Uh, Pride Lands and Deep Jungle mean anything to you? Not to mention Halloween Town and Port Royal. If we're including those worlds too, she's hot almost by simple virtue of being human.
But if that's the case, nearly all humans would be 'hot' and therefore doesn't make her an exceptional case of hotness.
Damn it all, Roxas, she's the fucking hot waitress. She just is. She's been the hot waitress since Xigbar found her in his second week of being a Nobody.
That's an appeal to tradition, it doesn't mean anything.
You know what, you're not allowed to hang out with Zexion anymore.
Day 356
The hot waitress look-a-like was trying to climb into the oven this morning.
...
There's a tie around my doorknob. There is a tie around my doorknob.
Uh, I need to find Roxas. I think I can remember to not giggle like a retard.
HAVE FUN, KIDS.
Part One
Previous Part
Day 337
There's a shit storm brewing. I can feel it. Kinda like how old women feel storms coming. Except I'm young and hot.
Oh, and not a woman. That too.
There are no women in Organization XIII! Just twelve guys and a bitch! (Marluxia) Oh, I crack myself up.
Day 338
I think Demyx is missing. I hope Xigbar and Zexion don't notice, they both seem weirdly protective of him.
Ah, nope. False alarm. He's just off on a mission somewhere. No, wait, that's still a problem. I hope Mansex gave him written instructions this time. Once, he was sent on a grocery run to Traverse Town and came back with fourteen jars of honey from the Hundred Acre Woods.
It's almost like he listens.
Day 339
Meet me in Twilight Town.
Bring munny.
Also, stop leaving this laying around where people can read it.
You're such a retard.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. This is either a date or a robbery. Arg, I can't decide! What if he does remember poker night and is finally exacting his revenge? Should I risk life and limb for the possibility of fun times? (And maybe sexy times?)
Who am I kidding? I'm totally going. (I'll bring a taser just in case though.)
...I really hope he didn't read the part about him running into the freezer door. Or the part where I stalked him for a day. Knowing my luck, it's unlikely that he didn't.
What should one wear for a date/mugging? 'Cause I want to look good, but I always want to be able to fight. Or run away. Whatever. It also needs to be easy access if things go really well.
...Of course this isn't a problem because I just happen to have one-size-fits-all-purposes black cloak. I hate it when pre-Nobody thoughts sneak up on me like that. Like that one time with the espresso machine, and, well, let's save that story for some other day.
Day 340
Turns out it wasn't really a date or a mugging, but some sort of halfway in-between kind of thing. Well, once I found the little asshole.
I had to search the entire town before I finally found him up at this freaky mansion that wasn't technically even in the city. I called him on that, too. Anyways, we went back into town, where he proceeds to use my munny to buy those popsicles that Demyx likes. Then we took the train out to the beach and just sort of sat around eating said popsicles. Oh yeah, I paid for the train too. Jerk-face.
Then he starts to go on about how the beach makes him feel nostalgic or something (Roxas, if you read this, I was listening, I swear!) and starts beating me with a stick(?!) because that made him feel nostalgic too.
So we kinda fought/wrestled/threw sand and I totally would have won if he hadn't pushed me into the ocean. Damn my high center of gravity.
But then he smiled so I guess it was all ok.
Day 341
Fuuuuuck. Shit-storm Demyx made landfall.
So get this: While Demyx was cavorting about Atlantica, he got a little romantic with some red-head chick. This would have all been well and good, except for the part where he and Xigbar apparently have a thing. (This is both 'ew' and annoyingly obvious once it was made obvious. And the reason why Xigbar bought an aquarium.) And that would not have been shit-storm material in and of itself except for the part where Demyx had a thing with Zexion as well.
What. The. Fuck.
So now nobody is talking to anybody else, Demyx is confused as hell because he has a hippie 'free love' outlook on everything (but is still repenting for his red-bottomed ways by not being with either of them and hanging out with Xaldin?), Xigbar is trying hard to seem apathetic but is actually sulking on the ceiling of his room, and Zexion is filling his room with mothballs to cover up Demyx's smell.
Oh, and Mansex and Saïx are having some sort of tiff over who accidentally filed a Patrol Report in the Dangerous Individuals drawer. As always, signs will eventually point to me. I fucking hate Saïx.
But I'm doing good. I haven't said anything retarded to Roxas all day. Go me!
Day 342
I need to get out of this castle. I went to take a shower, and Vexen was in there 'collecting samples'.
I don't want to knoooooow.
Day 343
I'm gonna regret this so hard, but I signed myself up for some sort of recon mission. There's likely some well thought-out, elaborate write up on what I'm supposed to do, but there's truly an art to making it up as you go that evil bureaucracies simply don't appreciate. It's probably because you can't get art filled out and signed in triplicate.
Oh yeah, I'm headed to the Deep Jungle. I guess it's been on the quiet side lately, so I'm supposed to poke around and stir up some trouble. And of course the word 'covert' wasn't on the mission title. Lies. All lies.
Day 344
I found a plate of half-eaten pancakes in front of my door this morning.
I think the thing I miss most from my Somebody days is cause and effect. Now my existence is just an exercise in the non sequitur.
Wait, no, that's the fun part. Those pancakes were tasty, too.
...I don't think I've seen the cat in over a week. I wonder if he goes back to Wonderland when he disappears.
--------------------------------
Mission Report #34437
Agent: of Chaos
Location: Deep Jungle
Date: This month, this day, this year.
Mission: poke around without causing too much disturbance, otherwise they will run straightaway to the Gorilla Police who will have us all arrested. Seriously, it's the middle of nowhere in the middle of nowhere. I could play the alphabet on foghorns and no one would know we were there.
Conclusion: Not much to see except for a jaguar that would make a fucking sweet Nobody. I call dibs on credit right now.
Damage:
Surprisingly little (infinity) (it's the gift that keeps on giving)
Treehouse (1)
Expenses:
Bug spray (1) x 500munny
Sunsreen (1) x 455munny
Aloe Vera (5) x 1100munny
---------------
Total 6455munny
Gains:
Bugbites (17)
Sunburn (1)
Mysterious rash (1)
Comments: As this has been a reoccurring problem, I have taken the initiative and put a calendar in your room. Reference it when completing all forms in the future. The Investigative Committee requests that you file an Individuals of Note form regarding the jaguar. Damages, Expenses, and Gains should all be tangible items of value. However, your expenses will be reimbursed.
Please see Vexen about the rash, it would be most unfortunate if it were to spread to others.
-------------------------------
I knew that mission would be a bad idea. I should really listen to myself more.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to burn my cloak and bathe in aloe vera. I just need to double-check that Vexen is nowhere nearby when I do.
Day 345
If I was Zexion and read too many books for my own good, I would mention that today is 3-4-5 Triangle Day, but I'm not, so I won't. Why don't you have some fun with that little paradox.
As for general updates, I still itch like hell all over, Demyx, Xigbar, and Zexion are still not talking to each other, and Larxene and Marluxia are still slinking about together.
I'm hungry. I wonder if Roxas knows how to cook.
Day 346
Roxas did know how to cook (somewhat). There were waffles outside my door (half-eaten, again). Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but he's so trying to win me over with breakfast foods. Not that he needed the breakfast foods to do so, I am NLD-afflicted, if you recall.
Waffles are fucking awesome. Maybe I should buy him a present or something in exchange for the awesome waffles.
Ooo, there's even syrup for my waffles. How thoughtful.
Thoughtful waffles.
Waffles.
...Okay, it doesn't even look like a word anymore. Oh, and no change with the rest of the world. Still itchy, still angry, still creepy.
Day 347
I wonder when that calendar got on my wall; I'm pretty sure it wasn't there last week.
There was an omelet today. I kinda wish it was waffles again.
Day 348
Look, if you want to talk to me, just do it. You don't have to keep leaving food outside your door and not showing up. Freak.
Uh. Shit. If it wasn't Roxas leaving the munchies...
Day 349
Marluxia! Fuuuuuuuck.
I could be poisoned! I...I think I'm going to be sick, and I haven't even thought about why.
Day 350
Demyx decided to finally show himself again. Apparently he convinced Xigbar and Zexion that they are both his very special fluff-muffins and they've forgiven him. Man, if only I had known that being naïve got you out of trouble.
Anyways, he heard that I was somewhat perturbed by the Marluxia-food thing, so he was doing his damnedest to cheer me up. I gotta admit, dropping water balloons off the balconies was pretty fun, well, until Mansex showed up. We relocated to Traverse Town after that.
Great, now he's probably gonna make some speech about how Nobodies are incapable of having fun or something like that.
Day 351
Yep, totally called it.
Also, my mysterious rash has grown into the shape of a really freaky smiley face. Curse: yes or no? No, you're just being stubborn and not getting medication for it because that would mean seeing Vexen.
...How does he keep finding this? Roxas, how do you keep finding this? You leave it laying around wherever you go.
Which means you're following me.
Roxas?
Come on, you know leaving me to my assumptions will just be more trouble for you.
Aw...
Day 352
I finally had to go on patrol again. I think three weeks without it was a personal record though. Whoo.
-------------------------------
Patrol Record #1135
Agent: of Destruction
Clock-in Time: 4:06
Clock-out Time: 11:46
Encounters: Close, and of the Third Kind.
Issues: Marluxia has stolen the TV from the lounge and hidden it somewhere.
Comments: Your movie privileges will be revoked if you do not cease to quote them in completely unrelated places (for example: meetings, forms). Also, 'Issues' should, once again, be relevant to the actual task the form is referring to, i.e. Patrol.
-------------------------------
Saïx, again.
I still haven't figured out where Marluxia's gone and hidden the TV. I swear, if he's holed up somewhere just so he can watch Charlie's Angels reruns and get his Farrah-do just right I'm gonna kill him. And then take the TV back. And then maybe kill him again because I still don't know why he was leaving food outside my door.
Day 353
Word's going around that Mansex has got some sort of special project lined up, but no one heard it from anyone and no one knows what it's going to be, so...
Not all that helpful really.
Oh fuck, Demyx got on the roof again.
Day 354
Dear Diary,
My life is a spiraling abyss.
One: Marluxia has begun leaving me food in my room now. He's seen me sleeping. He may have even done scandalous things to me without my explicit consent. And he still hasn't brought any more waffles. (If he and Larxene are, in fact, a thing, I really hope she doesn't slaughter my ass in misplaced revenge.)
Two: I may have to go to Wonderland to find Cat. (Look, I named him!) Alternatively, I may have to go to Vexen's lab because he's captured Cat for some horrible experiments. Both are unpleasant and will require back-up.
Three: No changes on the Roxas front, and I saw him with Luxord yesterday. I...don't even know if that means anything.
Four: Saïx is an asshole.
Five: I'm worried that I may not be as awesome as I previously thought.
...
Mood: Apathetic
Oh, get over yourself.
On the upside, Roxas seems to still be following me.
Day 355
There was someone new in the castle today. I could have sworn it was the hot waitress from the pub in Traverse Town, but last I checked she was still alive and kicking. And the lady I saw was talking to a door.
Me and Roxas (er, Roxas and I; I think I knew an English professor when I was alive. Or maybe I was the English professor. And Roxas could have been my student, who needed to stay after class for some extra...assistance. We could have fucked on my desk. Or against the chalkboard. Maybe I wore ties just so I could blindfold him or tie him up or maybe he tied me up and...wait, where was I?)
Anyways, Roxas and I went on another ice-cream expedition. It was much better than last time because he didn't feel the need to attack me with a stick this go-round. We popped into Traverse Town on the way back and the hot waitress was still there.
She wasn't all that hot.
Comparatively, she is.
So, what, you grade hotness on a curve?
Yes. A standard Gaussian distribution to be precise. Since there are talking ducks in Traverse Town, this places the hot waitress firmly in the 'hot' end of the spectrum.
But that's only if you use the population of Traverse Town. If you include the other worlds, she'd likely end up on the high end of average.
Uh, Pride Lands and Deep Jungle mean anything to you? Not to mention Halloween Town and Port Royal. If we're including those worlds too, she's hot almost by simple virtue of being human.
But if that's the case, nearly all humans would be 'hot' and therefore doesn't make her an exceptional case of hotness.
Damn it all, Roxas, she's the fucking hot waitress. She just is. She's been the hot waitress since Xigbar found her in his second week of being a Nobody.
That's an appeal to tradition, it doesn't mean anything.
You know what, you're not allowed to hang out with Zexion anymore.
Day 356
The hot waitress look-a-like was trying to climb into the oven this morning.
...
There's a tie around my doorknob. There is a tie around my doorknob.
Uh, I need to find Roxas. I think I can remember to not giggle like a retard.