Daily Journals, part 4
Here's the next bit! Oooh, is that plot I see? No, no it isn't.
Part One
Previous Part
Day 357
Yesterday was most excellent. Yes, yes it was.
....myonlycomplaintisthatwedidn'tacutallyusethetie.
Day 358
Apparently, two day ago could have been more excellent than it was (But it was still very, very excellent). So far, the rumors have been far more tantalizing than the actual event. I wonder if mentioning this to Roxas would fix that problem.
Day 359
It didn't.
Xigbar tells me that three days after sexy-times with no follow up sexy-times is the appropriate point for someone to get on with their life. I think he's full of shit and still upset that he has to share Demyx.
You hear that Xigbar? You are just a bitter, bitter old man. With only one eye. Ha.
Day 360
So I finally decided it was high time I found out if that Marluxia-Larxene thing was for real, which of course means stalking. And what do I find? A creepy sado-masochistic relationship defying the ideology that we have no feelings?
Noooooo.
I find that they have their own castle.
I hate it when Mansex plays favorites. This is so unfair!
And I still haven't gotten follow up sexy-times!
Day 361
So unfair!
Day 362
I talked to Larxene today. There were actual words. And by words, I, in fact, do not mean thinly veiled threats and vague suggestions of sexual incompetence. She also touched me. And I did not bleed.
What does this kinder, softer Larxene mean for the world? There is only a certain amount of nice-ness designated for all life, so in return, some poor bastard must have become an asshole overnight. No, wait! I see now, it's all just a clever plan to lure me into a false sense of security. It's like a frog in a pot of water. She'll keep turning up the nice-ness until it boils over and I die.
Yeah, that sounds more like Larxene.
Day 363
I shared my Larxene story/theory with Roxas. He said I'd been hanging around Demyx and his fluff-muffins too much. I told him he just didn't know Larxene as well as I did. He made me a hat out of tinfoil. I offered to show him all the scars I had received courtesy of Larxene.
I have never seen a kitchen empty out so fast, but on the other hand, Roxas and I had ourselves a good time.
(So there, Xigbar. A week is a perfectly normal span of time between sexy-times.)
Day 364
I have no idea what happened last night, but this morning I woke up and there were bits of bagel all over my room, peanut butter on the walls, and Demyx sleeping under my bed. Apparently, a good time was had by all.
Day 365
Awww, Roxas and Demyx threw me a death-day party! There was cake (with black icing, most befitting for a death-day cake) and presents and shenanigans and Saïx and Mansex didn't even come and break it up! Most everyone else came, which was pretty cool, even though they were probably just there for the cake. I swear, if we weren't already in the Organization to get our hearts back, I think most of us would have joined for the desserts.
I hate to say it, but Marluxia gave the best gift of all; the gift of being a non-creeper for a day. This was both awesome and disturbing. Awesome because Marluxia was a non-creeper for a day, disturbing because this means he's aware he's a creeper and does it on purpose.
I'm sure everyone can surmise what Roxas got for me. Heh, heh.
...
It was a fire-extinguisher with a note that said: "For when Demyx is not close-at-hand."
I doused him with it so at least both of us would be unhappy and un-sexed.
Day 366
Roxas tried to make up for the fire-extinguisher thing with cupcakes, but I refuse to forgive him until I get death-day sex.
Day 367
Still on a death-day sex stand-off. Roxas thinks he's dignified by not giving sex as a gift, but I see nothing wrong with it as long as it's just one particular person you're giving the sex to. Otherwise you'd just be a hooker. A very poor hooker.
There were also a bunch more Heartless lurking around, so Mansex had nearly everyone out on patrol. You know, he makes a big deal about everyone pulling their weight, but I think all he does is fill out forms and drink champagne.
Okay, occasionally he holds meetings and monologues at the moon, but still.
-------------------------------
Patrol Record #1176
Agent: Captain Blueballs
Clock-in Time: 9:35
Clock-out Time: 1:53
Encounters: Non-sexual.
Issues: There is something woefully lacking in my daily physical routine.
Comments: As has been stated before, numerical values are needed to empirically evaluate the value of an individual's work. If you find your physical abilities are not optimal, the gym is located on the floor below Proof of Existence, second door on the left from the Terrace of Oblivion.
-------------------------------
I can't tell if he's being condescending or deliberately obtuse. I WANT SEX, DAMMIT.
Day 368
I have been thwarted again. Roxas may desperately want to give me my well-deserved death-day present, but can't, because he's off in the middle of nowhere, a.k.a. the Pride Lands. Thanks, Mansex. Thanks a lot. Not only is Roxas very far away, he is also a lion.
I think I'll go complain to Demyx.
Demyx is gone too. Fine, I'll go complain to Xigbar.
He had a note on his door:
Xemnas - I left the reports with Saïx.
Xaldin - I so won our last match. You're just being a pussy.
Zexion - Demyx is coming with me this weekend.
Saïx - Give my reports to the Superior.
Axel - Whatever it is, it's your fault.
Demyx - Pack a bathing suit.
Luxord - I'm out of cash. Deal.
Roxas - Ignore him, he's being a baby.
It's official. Everyone hates me. Whenever everyone gets back from wherever they are, I am going to have a word with all of them. But especially Xigbar for giving shitty advice.
Day 369
Everyone's still gone. I was forced to hang around Larxene and Marluxia all day. I have electrical burns and a rash now, but at least they aren't Saïx.
I fucking hate Saïx.
Day 370
I got to go to the other castle today. Apparently it's the...um....la, la, la, stuff I can't talk about, never mind. But Mansex called me into a special meeting and everything. It was badass for all of a minute, until I remembered this is Mansex we're talking about. You know, the guy who probably worked in a patent office in his previous life. I guess he wanted Luxord or Xigbar instead, but I was the only one still here, so that's what he got. Well, Demyx is back, but, well, yeah...
I was even gracious enough to ignore that insult to my person because nyeh, I'm in on the...thing... and they're not. Ha!
Day 371
Hey, I'm back.
Roxas is back!
And only a little smelly! Fuck you.
...
OH GODDAMN YOU, MANSEX, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT ME ON PATROL TONIGHT?
If this was a moral dilemma, the obvious answer would be 'sex with Roxas', but no, it's a 'Saïx will cut me into tiny pieces' dilemma and I really, really don't want that to happen. THIS IS HARD.
-------------------------------
Patrol Record #1200
Agent: Axel, VIII
Clock-in Time: 10 or so.
Clock-out Time: 3.
Encounters: A lot. 286 <--Look, a number.
Issues: None. None at all. I am super-duper.
Comments: The Review Committee acknowledges your efforts to include numerical data. However, we also encourage you to be more specific and accurate in your reports.
-------------------------------
Problem solved. I brought Roxas with me.
The extra adrenaline was nice. Very, very nice. Uh, wow, I gotta lie down or something.
Day 372
That was the best death-day present ever. Even if it was nearly a week late.
Forgive me, Roxas, for doubting.
Your original present was still mean, though.
Day 373
At the other castle today. It seriously needs a name, and no one liked any of my suggestions. I wanted to call it the Castle Castlé, but Mansex didn't find it 'befitting of our image or purpose'. He's just gonna name it something weird or menacing, and that'll just cause trouble for everyone. Castle Cloak and Dagger, hm, I wonder if something nefarious is going on there.
Honestly.
Oh, and I'm absolutely verboten to take Roxas there. I bet he thinks I'll be too distracted to work or something.
Which is totally true, but I have to disagree on principle.
Day 374
I actually saw Lexaeus today. I was starting to think he was dead or ex-communicated or something, but nope. Alive and well and not a blasphemer. If anyone was wondering.
I am starting to worry about Cat, though. I'd seen bits and pieces of him up until a week ago or so, but since then, nothing. I hope he's just gone home or something, because I really don't want to mount a search-and-rescue.
Day 375
Luxord just came back from his mission with pirates. Not only that, but it's some sort of long-term deal. Again, Mansex, with the unfairness! I even went up to tell him that, clearly, the only way to remedy this is to let me have my own ninjas.
He told me that my complaint would not even be acknowledged unless I went through the proper channels, starting with filing both a Notice of Complaint and Requisition Form.
So now I'm stuck deciding what I'm more offended by: not having ninjas, or having to fill out forms to get ninjas.
Day 376
I think it's the forms.
Be right back, inciting anarchy.
Day 377
Okay, so I found out that causing anarchy is really hard when no one else cares and there aren't a lot of rules to break in the first place. I mean, sure, there's the 'No Fun' rule, but I break that one at every opportunity I find, so that doesn't cause any more anarchy than normal. I can't even skip out on patrol cause I'm not scheduled for it right now.
Hmm. Graffiti might work. That's rather anarchistic, right? Oh, I can even steal the paint!
Day 378
I conscripted Xigbar, Demyx and Roxas to help with the graffiti. I don't think Roxas wanted to, but I informed him as my boyfriend (hee!) he was contractually obligated to assist in all my endeavors. I now have a target spray painted to my back, but he did help.
We didn't really know what to paint, so we just put a bunch of, like, angry faces on Mansex's door and soliloquy balcony-thing. I wrote 'NINJAS!' too, so he'll know it's from me, and that I still want ninjas. I never forget, Mansex! Especially not that time with the espresso machine, and that stupid uniform, and, actually, I'd rather not share that.
Day 379
Today I cleaned up all the graffiti. It was that or get a beat-down from Saïx.
I'm really bad at anarchy.
Day 380
I've put the anarchy on hold for the time being because I have a new mystery! Remember how there was a hot waitress look-alike running about the castle, talking to doors and climbing in ovens? (Uh, actually just one oven, and only the once, because, uh, let's just say she's in a better place now. Maybe. I actually only know what happens when people die from Heartless-munchings. Anyways.) Well, now there's another one. The new one was wearing a really tragic gothic-hula skirt thing, but it was clearly the hot waitress. This one is still pretty weird, but at least she doesn't have the self-destructive tendencies.
Oh, and I think Roxas is sneaking out at night. I hope he isn't *gasp* seeing other people. (I had to write in the gasp, because otherwise it sounds really whiny and not sarcastic at all. And it sounds sarcastic because I'm really not concerned. Nope. Not at all. Roxas, where are you going?)
Day 381
I have patrol most nights. God, you're such a dweeb.
See, no worries then.
I saw Vexen dragging the new hot waitress look-alike back to his lab. I'm hoping it's because the hot waitress look-alike is one of his cloning experiments or something because otherwise, eugh.
Someone really needs to buy that man a sunlamp and some shampoo.
Day 382
Turns out it is a cloning experiment of some kind. I thought Vexen had mostly given that up because they came out all deformed and gross, but apparently he got better at it. Now they're just kind of wrong in the head. I told him that might be a problem, but he just laughed and did that freaky thing with his eyes, where one gets all big and the other goes all squinty.
So I guess he's got that covered then.
Day 383
Roxas caught me trying to do the crazy eye thing in the bathroom mirror.
I still don't know how he does it. I just look kinda sleepy when I try. This sucks, Vexen isn't allowed to be more evil looking than me!
Oh, but we might have a solution to the ninja problem. See, my little Nobody things are assassins, and Roxas' (still hard to say) are samurais, and since Vexen can apparently clone things now, maybe if we made some kind of mash-up, they'd be ninjas.
That, or end up as some kind of freak with a gun-sword thing. That'd be retarded.
Day 384
You really don't want to know how the Nobody mash-up went. Really, I promise. I had to take three showers to feel clean again.
Where the fuck is Roxas? I want comforting!
And by comforting, I mean sex.
Okay, maybe a little actual comforting.
Part One
Previous Part
Day 357
Yesterday was most excellent. Yes, yes it was.
....myonlycomplaintisthatwedidn'tacutallyusethetie.
Day 358
Apparently, two day ago could have been more excellent than it was (But it was still very, very excellent). So far, the rumors have been far more tantalizing than the actual event. I wonder if mentioning this to Roxas would fix that problem.
Day 359
It didn't.
Xigbar tells me that three days after sexy-times with no follow up sexy-times is the appropriate point for someone to get on with their life. I think he's full of shit and still upset that he has to share Demyx.
You hear that Xigbar? You are just a bitter, bitter old man. With only one eye. Ha.
Day 360
So I finally decided it was high time I found out if that Marluxia-Larxene thing was for real, which of course means stalking. And what do I find? A creepy sado-masochistic relationship defying the ideology that we have no feelings?
Noooooo.
I find that they have their own castle.
I hate it when Mansex plays favorites. This is so unfair!
And I still haven't gotten follow up sexy-times!
Day 361
So unfair!
Day 362
I talked to Larxene today. There were actual words. And by words, I, in fact, do not mean thinly veiled threats and vague suggestions of sexual incompetence. She also touched me. And I did not bleed.
What does this kinder, softer Larxene mean for the world? There is only a certain amount of nice-ness designated for all life, so in return, some poor bastard must have become an asshole overnight. No, wait! I see now, it's all just a clever plan to lure me into a false sense of security. It's like a frog in a pot of water. She'll keep turning up the nice-ness until it boils over and I die.
Yeah, that sounds more like Larxene.
Day 363
I shared my Larxene story/theory with Roxas. He said I'd been hanging around Demyx and his fluff-muffins too much. I told him he just didn't know Larxene as well as I did. He made me a hat out of tinfoil. I offered to show him all the scars I had received courtesy of Larxene.
I have never seen a kitchen empty out so fast, but on the other hand, Roxas and I had ourselves a good time.
(So there, Xigbar. A week is a perfectly normal span of time between sexy-times.)
Day 364
I have no idea what happened last night, but this morning I woke up and there were bits of bagel all over my room, peanut butter on the walls, and Demyx sleeping under my bed. Apparently, a good time was had by all.
Day 365
Awww, Roxas and Demyx threw me a death-day party! There was cake (with black icing, most befitting for a death-day cake) and presents and shenanigans and Saïx and Mansex didn't even come and break it up! Most everyone else came, which was pretty cool, even though they were probably just there for the cake. I swear, if we weren't already in the Organization to get our hearts back, I think most of us would have joined for the desserts.
I hate to say it, but Marluxia gave the best gift of all; the gift of being a non-creeper for a day. This was both awesome and disturbing. Awesome because Marluxia was a non-creeper for a day, disturbing because this means he's aware he's a creeper and does it on purpose.
I'm sure everyone can surmise what Roxas got for me. Heh, heh.
...
It was a fire-extinguisher with a note that said: "For when Demyx is not close-at-hand."
I doused him with it so at least both of us would be unhappy and un-sexed.
Day 366
Roxas tried to make up for the fire-extinguisher thing with cupcakes, but I refuse to forgive him until I get death-day sex.
Day 367
Still on a death-day sex stand-off. Roxas thinks he's dignified by not giving sex as a gift, but I see nothing wrong with it as long as it's just one particular person you're giving the sex to. Otherwise you'd just be a hooker. A very poor hooker.
There were also a bunch more Heartless lurking around, so Mansex had nearly everyone out on patrol. You know, he makes a big deal about everyone pulling their weight, but I think all he does is fill out forms and drink champagne.
Okay, occasionally he holds meetings and monologues at the moon, but still.
-------------------------------
Patrol Record #1176
Agent: Captain Blueballs
Clock-in Time: 9:35
Clock-out Time: 1:53
Encounters: Non-sexual.
Issues: There is something woefully lacking in my daily physical routine.
Comments: As has been stated before, numerical values are needed to empirically evaluate the value of an individual's work. If you find your physical abilities are not optimal, the gym is located on the floor below Proof of Existence, second door on the left from the Terrace of Oblivion.
-------------------------------
I can't tell if he's being condescending or deliberately obtuse. I WANT SEX, DAMMIT.
Day 368
I have been thwarted again. Roxas may desperately want to give me my well-deserved death-day present, but can't, because he's off in the middle of nowhere, a.k.a. the Pride Lands. Thanks, Mansex. Thanks a lot. Not only is Roxas very far away, he is also a lion.
I think I'll go complain to Demyx.
Demyx is gone too. Fine, I'll go complain to Xigbar.
He had a note on his door:
Xemnas - I left the reports with Saïx.
Xaldin - I so won our last match. You're just being a pussy.
Zexion - Demyx is coming with me this weekend.
Saïx - Give my reports to the Superior.
Axel - Whatever it is, it's your fault.
Demyx - Pack a bathing suit.
Luxord - I'm out of cash. Deal.
Roxas - Ignore him, he's being a baby.
It's official. Everyone hates me. Whenever everyone gets back from wherever they are, I am going to have a word with all of them. But especially Xigbar for giving shitty advice.
Day 369
Everyone's still gone. I was forced to hang around Larxene and Marluxia all day. I have electrical burns and a rash now, but at least they aren't Saïx.
I fucking hate Saïx.
Day 370
I got to go to the other castle today. Apparently it's the...um....la, la, la, stuff I can't talk about, never mind. But Mansex called me into a special meeting and everything. It was badass for all of a minute, until I remembered this is Mansex we're talking about. You know, the guy who probably worked in a patent office in his previous life. I guess he wanted Luxord or Xigbar instead, but I was the only one still here, so that's what he got. Well, Demyx is back, but, well, yeah...
I was even gracious enough to ignore that insult to my person because nyeh, I'm in on the...thing... and they're not. Ha!
Day 371
Hey, I'm back.
Roxas is back!
And only a little smelly! Fuck you.
...
OH GODDAMN YOU, MANSEX, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUT ME ON PATROL TONIGHT?
If this was a moral dilemma, the obvious answer would be 'sex with Roxas', but no, it's a 'Saïx will cut me into tiny pieces' dilemma and I really, really don't want that to happen. THIS IS HARD.
-------------------------------
Patrol Record #1200
Agent: Axel, VIII
Clock-in Time: 10 or so.
Clock-out Time: 3.
Encounters: A lot. 286 <--Look, a number.
Issues: None. None at all. I am super-duper.
Comments: The Review Committee acknowledges your efforts to include numerical data. However, we also encourage you to be more specific and accurate in your reports.
-------------------------------
Problem solved. I brought Roxas with me.
The extra adrenaline was nice. Very, very nice. Uh, wow, I gotta lie down or something.
Day 372
That was the best death-day present ever. Even if it was nearly a week late.
Forgive me, Roxas, for doubting.
Your original present was still mean, though.
Day 373
At the other castle today. It seriously needs a name, and no one liked any of my suggestions. I wanted to call it the Castle Castlé, but Mansex didn't find it 'befitting of our image or purpose'. He's just gonna name it something weird or menacing, and that'll just cause trouble for everyone. Castle Cloak and Dagger, hm, I wonder if something nefarious is going on there.
Honestly.
Oh, and I'm absolutely verboten to take Roxas there. I bet he thinks I'll be too distracted to work or something.
Which is totally true, but I have to disagree on principle.
Day 374
I actually saw Lexaeus today. I was starting to think he was dead or ex-communicated or something, but nope. Alive and well and not a blasphemer. If anyone was wondering.
I am starting to worry about Cat, though. I'd seen bits and pieces of him up until a week ago or so, but since then, nothing. I hope he's just gone home or something, because I really don't want to mount a search-and-rescue.
Day 375
Luxord just came back from his mission with pirates. Not only that, but it's some sort of long-term deal. Again, Mansex, with the unfairness! I even went up to tell him that, clearly, the only way to remedy this is to let me have my own ninjas.
He told me that my complaint would not even be acknowledged unless I went through the proper channels, starting with filing both a Notice of Complaint and Requisition Form.
So now I'm stuck deciding what I'm more offended by: not having ninjas, or having to fill out forms to get ninjas.
Day 376
I think it's the forms.
Be right back, inciting anarchy.
Day 377
Okay, so I found out that causing anarchy is really hard when no one else cares and there aren't a lot of rules to break in the first place. I mean, sure, there's the 'No Fun' rule, but I break that one at every opportunity I find, so that doesn't cause any more anarchy than normal. I can't even skip out on patrol cause I'm not scheduled for it right now.
Hmm. Graffiti might work. That's rather anarchistic, right? Oh, I can even steal the paint!
Day 378
I conscripted Xigbar, Demyx and Roxas to help with the graffiti. I don't think Roxas wanted to, but I informed him as my boyfriend (hee!) he was contractually obligated to assist in all my endeavors. I now have a target spray painted to my back, but he did help.
We didn't really know what to paint, so we just put a bunch of, like, angry faces on Mansex's door and soliloquy balcony-thing. I wrote 'NINJAS!' too, so he'll know it's from me, and that I still want ninjas. I never forget, Mansex! Especially not that time with the espresso machine, and that stupid uniform, and, actually, I'd rather not share that.
Day 379
Today I cleaned up all the graffiti. It was that or get a beat-down from Saïx.
I'm really bad at anarchy.
Day 380
I've put the anarchy on hold for the time being because I have a new mystery! Remember how there was a hot waitress look-alike running about the castle, talking to doors and climbing in ovens? (Uh, actually just one oven, and only the once, because, uh, let's just say she's in a better place now. Maybe. I actually only know what happens when people die from Heartless-munchings. Anyways.) Well, now there's another one. The new one was wearing a really tragic gothic-hula skirt thing, but it was clearly the hot waitress. This one is still pretty weird, but at least she doesn't have the self-destructive tendencies.
Oh, and I think Roxas is sneaking out at night. I hope he isn't *gasp* seeing other people. (I had to write in the gasp, because otherwise it sounds really whiny and not sarcastic at all. And it sounds sarcastic because I'm really not concerned. Nope. Not at all. Roxas, where are you going?)
Day 381
I have patrol most nights. God, you're such a dweeb.
See, no worries then.
I saw Vexen dragging the new hot waitress look-alike back to his lab. I'm hoping it's because the hot waitress look-alike is one of his cloning experiments or something because otherwise, eugh.
Someone really needs to buy that man a sunlamp and some shampoo.
Day 382
Turns out it is a cloning experiment of some kind. I thought Vexen had mostly given that up because they came out all deformed and gross, but apparently he got better at it. Now they're just kind of wrong in the head. I told him that might be a problem, but he just laughed and did that freaky thing with his eyes, where one gets all big and the other goes all squinty.
So I guess he's got that covered then.
Day 383
Roxas caught me trying to do the crazy eye thing in the bathroom mirror.
I still don't know how he does it. I just look kinda sleepy when I try. This sucks, Vexen isn't allowed to be more evil looking than me!
Oh, but we might have a solution to the ninja problem. See, my little Nobody things are assassins, and Roxas' (still hard to say) are samurais, and since Vexen can apparently clone things now, maybe if we made some kind of mash-up, they'd be ninjas.
That, or end up as some kind of freak with a gun-sword thing. That'd be retarded.
Day 384
You really don't want to know how the Nobody mash-up went. Really, I promise. I had to take three showers to feel clean again.
Where the fuck is Roxas? I want comforting!
And by comforting, I mean sex.
Okay, maybe a little actual comforting.